West Ham 0 -2 Newcastle (And Other Ramblings)

1. What The Hell Happened?

OK, I know I was away for a week, and I apologise for that, but someone sure took their eyes off the road didn't they? 1 goal in 3 home games? That's Roederian.

2. Speaking Of Which......

If you look up the word "galling" in the dictionary it is defined by the phrase - "Lose to a team coached by Glenn Roeder". If you have a particularly expansive version it will say "Lose at home to a team coached by Glenn Roeder, without scoring and whilst allowing Obafemi Martins to get his first goal".

To be honest I'm not entirely sure that the lads ever got over the disappointment of finding out that Titus Bramble wasn't going to be playing. That's got to have been a blow.

3. The Stats

Even the stats are dull for this game. We had 51% possession and mustered 3 shots on target. OK then.

One recurring stat is that we are completely incapable of keeping a clean sheet. In all 6 games this year we have conceded, and we have done so first in 5 of those games. It will be interesting to see how long Pardew persists with this current back 4. I love the fact that we are so geared towards scoring goals but I can't help feeling that the rest of the Premiership are starting to cotton on to us now and as such we are constantly having to chase games. And are not doing a great job of it.

By the way - that 49% possession that Newcastle had can probably be attributed solely to Paul Konchesky, who had a severe attack of the Wayne Quinns today.

4. How To Get Off Scott Free

I know it's puerile and pretty childish but I do love to see opposition players sent off. That said Scott Parker certainly should have gone today. In fact if I didn't know better I'd have sworn he was a Sheffield United player.

Parker actually got away with it by comitting two bad fouls within about 8 seconds of each other. Rob Styles had his hand moving towards his pocket to book him the second time as well before realising that this would mean a red card and bottling the decision.

I must say - when I saw him in that McDonalds ad all those years ago I didn't think he'd turn out to be quite so dirty.

5. A Little Advice

If you're a Newcastle fan and you're pondering going to see the Toon anytime soon may I make a suggestion. Make sure you have a replica shirt. I think it's the law.

6. Have You Seen My Ghost?

Jonathan Spector does not exist.

7. The Opposition

Without wishing to damn them with faint praise Newcastle are probably the most ordinary team we will lose to this year. Which is quite something when you consider we will definitely contrive to lose to Bolton at some point. They have a decent midfield, Shay Given (get well soon) and not much else. And for Gods sake, scoring a goal against West Ham does not make Obafemi Martins a £10m player. Marlon King does it regularly after all.

In case you think I'm being a little harsh check out the Newcastle back 4 who kept a clean sheet against us today - Carr, Ramage, Moore and Babayaro. Please excuse me while I see if I can gouge out my Adam's Apple with a banana.

8. The Referee

Rob Styles was Rob Styles. He got some things right and a lot of things wrong. I've highlighted the Parker decision but there was also a curious moment in the first half when Shola Ameobi first fouled Danny Gabbidon, then handballed it and then played in Martins who put it wide when he should have scored. Perhaps the handball cancelled out the foul?

9. Peter Ramage

This fellow deserves his own section. Usually when I watch a Premiership game it reminds me that no matter how talented you might have been as a kid, you are still light years from those at the top of their profession.

Every now and again, however, I see a player who makes me think that if I had just worked a little more on my left foot, stayed off the smack and had a little luck, I too could have been a contender. Step forward Peter Ramage. The man backs up Titus Bramble after all.

In case you think I'm being a little too anti-Newcastle then please note that Tyrone Mears is fast making a believer out of me too.

10. Something To Warm The Heart

The other day I saw a small child kitted out head to toe in full replica kit. Shirt, shorts and pulled up socks - the works. It was really quite nice to see. Of course, it was an Arsenal "4 - Fabregas" kit so I playfully lobbed some rocks at him and good naturedly wrestled him to the floor. But once they re-set his shoulder, I have no doubt he'll find it hilarious too.

11. An Inconvenient Truth

The media reaction to the Glenn Roeder incident has been quite interesting. Neither MoTD or Sky have shown the full set of pictures highlighting Roeder's repeated gesturing to the Newcastle fans. In truth, it wasn't particularly outrageous but it was fairly unedifying none the less. And of course, trying to goad the fans of a club decimated by your own incompetence is surely the footballing version of a Pyrrhic Victory. But no-one has mentioned that.

In summary then, let's face it - if you return to your former workplace and have to be escorted away by Police you probably haven't covered yourself in glory.

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

Apparently when Nottingham Forest sold Michael Dawson they got £4m for him. I have but one question. Where can I get one?

..........Elsewhere..........

......Man Utd lost at home to Arsenal. Manc fans should seek solace in the fact they are still undefeated against English teams.........Chelsea beat Liverpool with a splendid goal from Didier Drogba. I know - far out man.......Fulham got a goalless draw at tottenham. I might just creep out on a limb and suggest that was not the best game to watch...........Blackburn beat Man City. Francis Jeffers played in this game. Here is a man who has been transferred for over £10m and if you want to truly depress yourself just think that you could probably give the world clean drinking water for that much money.........