West Ham 0 - 1 Reading (And Other Ramblings)

1. We're Supposed To Do This Without Parental Help - Sweetie, That's Orphan Talk

You guessed it. Homer and the gang are back. Tonight's update is peppered with Simpson's quotes. I can't keep putting this column together without them - my wife needs an explanation as to why I'm weeping while I write this.

2. Make Me Proud...Or At Least Less Ashamed

What joyous occasion is this? We are above Sheffield United. On goal difference. It is little wonder we had a storm of biblical proportions at the game yesterday - wasn't Neil Warnock one of the 7 plagues of Egypt?

I can't say I'm surprised by yesterday. There are children in the Gabon who were not surprised about yesterday.

3. Call This An Unfair Generalization If You Must, But Old People Are No Good At Everything

Actually, maybe not. Teddy Sheringham was excellent when he was wheeled on yesterday. I genuinely thought his tenure with us was over but the fact remains that he is one of only three players we have who has any guile or creativity, Benayoun and Tevez being the others. And the problem is that those three have been in and out of the team all year. The remainder of the team run around very fast, which worked well for a year but seems to have ground to a halt now. The footballing equivalent of The Circle Line, if you will.

4. What IS Your Fascination With My Forbidden Closet Of Mysteries?

Take a quick look at our fixture list so far. Charlton (h), Watford (a), Liverpool (a), Aston Villa (h), Newcastle (h), Manchester City (a) and Reading (h). This is the soft underbelly of the league. Gaining 5 points from that set of games should be grave cause for concern as we have much tougher tests ahead.

Now far be it for me to tell Alan Pardew what he should be working on in training (Defending) but we surely do need to work on something (Defending) over the next two weeks (Defending).

(Defending).

5. See Ya In Court, Simpson. Oh, And Bring That Evidence With Ya; Otherwise, I Got No Case And You'll Go Scot-Free.

How in the name of Glenn Roeder is it possible for a team to have 69% possession and lose? Think about that - for every 10 minutes of that game we had the ball for 7 of them. And turned it into nothing. Jehovas Witnesses have a better conversion percentage than that.

To make matters worse Reading only mustered 1 shot on target all game and scored with it. No arguments that it was a fantastic strike from Seol but I'd have preferred it if maybe one of our players had meandered out to try and tackle him. But then I'm an old fashioned coot.

6. Maybe, Just Once, Someone Will Call Me "Sir" Without Adding, "You're Making A Scene."

Roy Carroll loves a scrap doesn't he? Any excuses and he will leg it out of his goal for a pointless argument. Of course, it is quite easy to do that when you know that nobody will ever attempt to hit you. This is how Robbie Savage has acquired a nano-reputation as a "hardman". In much the same way that Josh Hartnett is an "actor", or Robbie Williams is a "musician".

7. Kids, Just Because I Don't Care Doesn't Mean I'm Not Listening

I don't think I've longed for a Ghanaian man as much as I'm longing for John Paintsil right now. I don't even care that he can't spell his name right. It never stopped me loving Ashlee Simpson after all. Wait, wait - forget I said that.

8. They Think They're So High And Mighty, Just Because They Never Got Caught Driving Without Pants

I am not Sam Allardyce, therefore I do not believe that every defeat can be attributed to the performance of the referee. That said, Uriah Rennie officiated this game like an amoeba.

9. Oh, Everything Looks Bad If You Remember It

Over the course of our past 5 games I have disproved the commonly held notion that a man cannot disembowel himself using only spaghetti.

10. That Guy Impressed Me And I Am Not Easily Impressed. Wow. A *Blue Car*.

Reading can certainly defend well. I am a big fan of Steven Sidwell too, although it is simply rude to run 80 yards and head a last minute effort off the line. You'd never catch Nigel Reo-Coker doing anything so strenous.

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

Big ol' useless Mike went off with a head injury yesterday. It doesn't feel right kicking a man when he's down, so I thought this week we could focus on his England colleague Jermaine Jenas (it hurts just to type that).

Yesterday Jenas added another beauty to his list of "Reasons Never To Pick Him For England Again". When attempting to strike a late shot with his right foot he accidentally kicked it with his left instead. Meditate on that for the moment and then consider that this man was selected instead of a 5th striker for the World Cup. And now cry.