West Ham United vs Fulham: Match Preview - 04/10/2009

1. Same Old H List, Always Absent…

As HeadHammer Shark stagnates in his recliner, responding to his good lady wife’s pleas for a little help with the kids with a ‘whatever’-style gesture, never once taking his eyes from Wrestlemania on the Plasma, it has been left to me to post our bi-monthly article.

Yes, I missed the Bolton and Man City previews, but in hindsight can you blame me?

2. Opposition

Sunday afternoon sees us take on Fulham at Upton Park in what has arguably become a must-win game so early in the season.

Fulham have had marginally better start than us after an exceptional year where they snatched 7th place (their highest ever finish) and the final Europa League spot from under the noses of several other clubs whom many thought a safer bet.

Woy Hodgson has done a fantastic job since arriving at Cwaven Cottage, staving off near-imminent welegation in his first season before qualifying for Euwope the next.

Hist team are altogether a sterner test than in recent years and by no means a banker at home. Aussie international Mark Schwarzer is a competent ‘keeper, veteran Danny Murphy keeps things ticking over in midfield, they have two mobile full-backs (one of them a genius) and Bobby Zamora just does well to stay on his feet with Andy Johnson diving all over the place.

Saying that, they too are in the midst of a poor run, arriving on the back of three consecutive defeats to Arsenal, Man City and Wolves.

Another recent similarity is that they have their fair share of injury worries, with new signing Damien Duff recently joining Simon Davies and Brede Hangeland on the injury list.

I’ve heard rumours that King Paintsil plans on exposing Derren Brown’s devilry at halftime before zooming off in a jet-pack from the centre circle, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

3. Case For The Defence

Monday night’s defeat to Man City highlighted a few areas at the root of our current plight, the most stark of which was the shocking defending on display for both goals from Pope Tevez.

We’ve conceded three goals in each of our last three matches. Cripes.

There were some shocking lapses, not least when our entire defence were simultaneously struck by a bout of narcolepsy as Tevez nodded in City’s third, one of three City players free at the far post.

Tomkins is the real deal, but he is only seven years old and a lack of positional experience was evident when he tried to both mark a player and cover the ball simultaneously, resulting in him doing neither and leaving Tevez with a tap-in.

Da Costa had a decent debut, but Matthew Upson’s absence was clear. Upson’s injury lay-off and the news that Danny Gabbidon has picked up another injury again throws the wisdom of selling James Collins into question.

Fullback’s Ilunga and Faubert both appear a little off the pace, be that fitness-wise or positionally, but I expect better to come from both.

The prospect of Faubert at right-back is not as bone-chilling as it once was, and for that he deserves credit. While there are obvious deficiencies, I think he’s done pretty well so far this year and could yet make the unlikely transition from pantomime villain to back-end-of-a-pantomime-horse.

4. Picture Book

'World Cup winner? Two time FIFA World Player Of The Year? But can you handle this?!'

5. History

Last season saw us beat Fulham 3-1 at the Boleyn.

Gentleman John Paintsil graciously put one on a plate for David DiMichele after a couple of minutes, having cunningly disguised his genius for total defensive incompetence.

This was followed by an absolute scorcher from another former Hammer, Paul Konchesky, who drilled an unstoppable shot past Green from somewhere near Leyton. It was reminiscent of Konchesky’s goal in the 2006 FA Cup Final, except this time he meant it.

Finally, Carlton Cole was brought down for a penalty, converted by Noble, before scoring himself.

In recent times Fulham have been our bitches, with us recording seven wins and a draw from our last eight encounters.

6. Picture Book

'£80million? What does that buy you? Does it buy you this?!'

5. Form and Function

During Zola’s post-match interview on Monday, it appeared as if the penny had dropped that passing endeavour is not enough when you’ve got four points from six games.

He has described Sunday’s match as “a cup final” and Scott Duxbury has sacrificed a couple of goats to his pagan gods on top of the usual kindergarten playgroup.

For all our neat passing in midfield, this admirable approach rarely makes it into the final third nor translates into a meaningful shot on goal.

Invariably, we are able to pass our way out of tight situations in and around our own penalty area, competently resisting the temptation to hoof it clear. This then creates the illusion of the beginnings of a fluid attack, only for a pass to go astray soon after we cross into opposition territory.

Another issue is our chronic lack of width. No-one’s consistently getting down the wings and no-one’s getting crosses into one of the bigger aerial threats in the league.

What we’re left with is restricted space combined with overly intricate passing moves, which more often than not flounder upon midfield congestion.

I’m all for our style of play, which demonstrates a sea-change in comparison to the Curbishley-era when we all cried ourselves to sleep. I’m merely highlighting that our inability to mix things up means that once we’ve been figured out, we’re largely nullified.

West Ham 3 - 1 Fulham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Chairman Moan

Lifted directly from The Observer "Said and Done" column.

"Man of the week: Dave Whelan - says Man City are "ruining the heart and soul of football" by inflating prices and artificially skewing the market. "Money has gone through the window because some Arabian fellas or oil-rich sheikh has come in and said, 'Pay £90m for that player.' It is totally barmy and we all know that. The game will suffer in the end."

2003: Whelan's JJB Sports fined £6.7m by the OFT over claims they exploited fans by using inflated price-fixing of replica shirts to artificially skew the market. "This ruling," said Whelan, "makes me wonder what's happened to justice in this land."

Not lifted directly from The Observer

"Of course I'm interested in him, you don't get too many chairman prepared to screw over the fans like that. We're in discussions but I don't want to say too much as he's with another club. We do seem to have a mole leaking all our transfer targets to the press though" said Harry Redknapp. Live on Sky Sports News. Probably.

2. Hells Bells

Also lifted directly from The Observer "Said and Done" column

"Craig Bellamy, December 2008: "It's that time of year again - there's always a lot of speculation about people going in the transfer window. But I'm very happy at West Ham - I'm never going to go in and ask for a move."

• 16 January: Goes in, asks for a move. "

"All I know is that someone just told me the boy wants to come and play here" said Harry Redknapp. Live on Sky Sports News. Actually. And most definitely not tapping up our player.

3. The Opposition

I went in to this game with a tangible sense of foreboding. Fulham were unbeaten in 9 games, Bellamy was making Paul Ince look like an amateur, and Upton Park had the feel of a particularly solemn wake.

Mercifully, Fulham have a back 4 featuring full backs who weren't good enough for us, and therefore contributed three egregious errors to help us on our way.

I suspect that this performance was out of character given their recent success, but it would have to be noted that Fulham were woeful in this game. Aside from Konchesky's 30 yard Faustian pact I cannot remember a single effort threatening our goal. Even Andy Johnson, who is never slow to fall over when the opportunity presents, was unable to win a penalty, such was their lack of penetration.

Elsewhere, I was impressed by Brede Hangeland who is big like a Bond villain, and sadly familiar with Bobby Zamora, who worked hard but displayed Kuytian levels of awareness when presented with a couple of half chances.

I have little doubt that they will stay up, and one could cogently argue that Roy Hodgson deserves the Manager of the Year award for the turnaround he has manufactured at Craven Cottage. Unlike Phil Brown at Hull, they seem to be on the up, and he has not spent as hugely or as wastefully as his predecessor, Lawrie Sanchez.

"I'm interested in every single one of their players. Of course I am. This squad I've got here is rubbish, totally inept. They only spent £60m in the summer. You wouldn't even get Kaka's left arm for that. But obviously it's up to Fulham if they sell. It's nothing to do with me" said Harry Redknapp. Live on Sky Sports News. Probably.

4. The Statistics

Perhaps unsurprisingly we were on top in many ways in the ESPN Gamecast. This shows that we had 15 shots at goal to the visitors 11, but crucially Fulham mustered only 2 efforts on target against our 5. This shows an unusually clinical approach from us, and a strangely imperious defensive effort.

Oddly, our most attacking threat was once again Mark Noble, who continued to lead the way with 5 shots on goal. Di Michele also had 5, leaving Carlton Cole to look like a slacker with 3. This may mean nothing or it may be quite the revelation, but Noble has now been our most frequent shooter for two consecutive weeks. The biggest criticism of the Curbishley era was the failure to provide goalscoring midfielders, and it could be said that Zola has now hit upon a tight, narrow midfield system that is allowing Noble to join up with the strikers more often.

I'm not sure I think that Noble is playing brilliantly, but Collison and Behrami certainly are in great form, and my feeling is that it is their contributions as much as anything that are letting Noble advance so freely.

"Of course I'm interested in the ESPN Gamecast. You can't get a good website these days for love nor money. I'm down to the bare bones here" said Harry Redknapp. Live on Sky Sports News. Probably.

5. The Referee

For a fixture between two fairly bland and inoffensive sides, there have been a strangely high number of red cards issued over the years. There should have been another here, when Paul Konchesky hacked down Carlton Cole inside the area with no other Fulham defender within hectares.

For reasons that escape most sentient beings, Phil Dowd chose not to send him off and instead made do with a penalty and a yellow card.

It should be pointed out that Konchesky appeared to have some sort of seizure moments before the foul, when he allowed Cole to run twenty yards to take the ball off him and run in on goal. So the yellow card might simply have been an acknowledgement that life didn't need to get any worse for the former Hammer.

Terrible decision though. On another day that might have led to firebombings.

"Of course I'd be interested in Phil Dowd. I have to referee my own training sessions here and I just give all the decisions to Parlo anyway otherwise he goes mad. Phil's one we're looking at for sure, but I don't want to say any more about it otherwise it will just be on the telly and in the papers" said Harry Redknapp. Live on Sky Sports News. Probably.

6. Zola Power

Before we move on to the really pressing events of the week (Bellamy, the absence of "Relocation, Relocation" from the schedules) it would seem fair to make an assessment of the current managerial tandem, who have master minded something of a resurgence during a run of fixtures against the soft underbelly of the league.

Let me be clear that I am not being sarcastic when I mention that last point. In fact if anything it's the most important criteria to note. My complaint about our start to the season was that we failed to take advantage of a soft run of fixtures, losing to the likes of West Brom, Hull and Bolton long before we encountered any of the bigger teams. As the season has progressed we have gradually evolved from a side who could only attack, to one who could barely attack, to the current incarnation who seem to be nicely balanced between the two, and are now taking points from those teams who we should be taking points from.

Zola has been unfailingly positive in his public pronouncements, and seems to believe greatly in both what he is doing, and those who are doing it for him. I am sure that there are those out there who could help correct me, but my feeling is that there have been very few poor performances since he took over. Even in defeat we have played reasonably adeptly, but have suffered from our lack of a cutting edge.

With the rebirth of Bellamy and Cole as bona fide Premier League players, we have really been playing very well recently, and both Clarke and Zola deserve much credit for that. We're a long way from home yet, but we're also only 2 points shy of Wigan, who are being lauded up and down the land for their excellent season.

More of the same please.

"Of course I'm interested in Zola. I used to tell Joe Cole to go and play like him. You can't coach players at this level. Except Darren Bent. He could use some help. Anyway, last I heard Zola was interested in coming here but I'm not going to say anymore about it. Our chairman is very interested I'd imagine. Look at how shit I'm doing to be fair." said Harry Redknapp. Live on Sky Sports News. Probably.

7. Farewell

Blimey, that Craig Bellamy's a card isn't he?

I refuse to be disappointed by footballers any more. I am sure that there are decent human beings who play the game and are ashamed by these antics, but they keep it well hidden wherever they are. Indeed, I find myself strangely underwhelmed by Bellamy's antics. Sure, going on strike so you can join tottenham is not any way to be behave, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. The truly curious thing to me is why he felt so strongly about tottenham when they had just signed Defoe, and were bottom of the league.

Manchester City is likely to provide more immediate succour for him, but in the long term he will be squeezed out by the likes of Robinho, Santa Cruz and whomever else arrives in the summer. The Sheiks did not take over at Eastlands to see decent Premiership players, which ultimately is all that Bellamy really is. Once he begins to warm the bench, he'll become disillusioned and move on again, for substantially less than £14m too.

Strangely, West Ham seemed to be something of a perfect match for him. A team built to his strengths, a huge weekly wage and a manager who he seemed to respect and who was seemingly developing him as a player.

The season ticket holder in me was enraged by the decision to sell, given that it's only going to lead to {insert no name Under 21 Italian striker here} joining courtesy of our new "world wide" scouting system. The accountant in me can't help but be impressed by the sale of a 29 year old, injury prone agitator, for twice what we paid for him. Sometimes I just don't know what to think.

As is always the case with West Ham, the test will be how we spend the money. I greatly favour purchasing a midfielder and a striker, which should be possible with £14m, and in fact I can't believe that tottenham wouldn't sell Bent and Huddlestone for a combined fee of about £11m, but sadly Duxbury looks to have burnt all our bridges there. Whoever they get in, I sincerely hope that someone somewhere is pointing out that it takes a while to adjust to the Premier League, and that we are currently a Carlton Cole injury away from a very bad situation up front.

Returning to Bellamy briefly, I do not believe that I will ever understand how a man can give £750,000 of his own money to develop a football academy in Sierra Leone, and at the same time go on strike because he was being forced to honour a contract that paid him £70,000 a week. The inner demons that guy must be fighting with....

8. A Quick Thought

From the sounds of it, we should probably be looking at Sandra Redknapp for a role up front. Based on Harry's many and varied descriptions she is not a scorer of great goals, but certainly a great goal scorer.

"Of course I'm interested in her.." said Redknapp zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9. Farewell, Again

See you Craig. Thanks for Portsmouth. It seems I can now refer to you a goblin again. Isn't it funny how the world works.

West Ham United vs Fulham: Match Preview - 18/01/2009

1. History

Fulham have the misfortune to count themselves amongst the two or three teams across the globe against whom we have a good record. We have lost but once in our last twelve encounters, recording seven wins and four draws along the way.

Prior to this year’s 2-1 away win at Craven Cottage, last season saw us come from 1-0 down at home to a Simon Davies free-kick before rallying to win 2-1, thanks to a header from Custard Cream Dean and a winner from Anton Ferdinand.

At the time, things were looking up - Julien Faubert made his debut, we had consolidated in the top half, a few players in the treatment room were declared “clinically not dead” and no-one knew quite how bad Julien Faubert was.

Of course from then on we were moored in 10th place until May and our aspirations for the season were sucked from us as if by a two dollar whore with a Dyson strapped to her face.

2. January Sale

Just halfway through this season’s transfer window and it already feels as if it has rumbled on for an age. With it’s dominance of recent headlines, this blog will inevitably follow suit until we can enjoy a few short months respite, before further news of firesale, financial irregularities and foreclosure.

The current rumour mill discharge can be summarised thusly:

(i) Herita Ilunga

No sooner had stories emerged of the club’s intention to hang onto Ilunga, than the newly rabid Rafa Benitez declares he could be interested in taking the Congolese to Anfield.

One would assume that part of our loan agreement is that we have first option and Zola has already declared his intention to make the move permanent.

Ilunga’s gaze could be turned by interest from the League leaders and at the moment I wouldn’t want to be the one to stand between Liverpool’s Spanish manager and whatever it is he wants - his recent outbursts missing only the requisite spittle, unkempt hair and him forcibly trying to ram a copy of The Big Issue in your face.

(ii) Bellamy & Parker

This story shows a stubborn and offensive refusal to die that Margaret Thatcher would admire. The latest rumours are that we have rebuffed three offers for Bellamy from Man City, the most recent being a £22million deal for both Bellamy (£12million) and Parker (£10million).

Both players have recently enjoyed their best form since joining West Ham, coincidentally in the run-up to the transfer window and tottenham continue to hover in the wings for Bellamy, making the frankly hilarious offer of a straight swap for Darren Bent.

(iii) Julien Faubert

The biggest disappointment since Terence Trent D’Arby’s second album, Faubert has been angling for a move away from Upton Park and has been quoted in the French media as saying:

“Zola has said he relies on me, but I don’t see anything coming. I didn’t play against Newcastle and I don’t know what he is up to. Right now my agent is discussing with clubs. Playing for a club such as Lyon is my priority to re-launch my international career. But the problem is that my selling price is very high.”

Sorry to be the one to break this to you, Julien, but that’s not the problem. The problem is you’re shit.

(iv) Luis Boa Morte

Just when you thought you’d had all the cold turkey you could stomach, the prospect of LBM’s departure to Hull City arises and knowing Luis as I do, he will surely take his big bag of hallucinogens with him.

However, having read HeadHammer Shark’s review yesterday, Luis has now decided to stay at Upton Park and ‘fight for his place in the team’.

The more likely reason is the inability of Hull to match whatever ridiculous wages Curbishley put him on and Luis’ desire to sport those white stilettos accessorised so tastefully with mini-umbrellas in the first half and these bobby dazzlers in the second.



(v) Lucas Neill

Joe Kinnear announced his interest in our captain and claimed that Neill’s agent (the commendably named Paddy Dominguez) has been contacted.

West Ham have reacted quickly to quash this story and “are astonished by reports today that a Premier League manager has claimed contact with one of our contracted players."

3. A Change Is Gonna Come

All this transfer speculation provides the men in charge with a clear choice and a great opportunity.

Should they refuse every offer for all key players regardless of fees, it would send out a strong message to onlookers, potential buyers, players, staff and fans on the direction West Ham intend to go.

If they cash-in on a few of those considered vital to any progression, there is nothing to stop any remaining top players looking for the exit, citing the club’s obvious lack of genuine ambition.

To resist any and all overtures for our top players would provide the club with a shot in the arm for the second half of the season that an extra £10million in the coffers could not – particularly as that money is likely to be swallowed by the black hole of our finances.

Resistance would also help to restore some confidence among those who are unsure of the Board’s long-term intentions.

4. Opposition

Fulham are enjoying a robust season thus far, having stealthily positioned themselves in midtable without drawing any attention. They have steadily gone about their business, picking up points here and there with no great fanfare and find themselves well placed at the halfway mark.

Jimmy Bullard remains their best player but has begun to do what Chuck D specifically asked him not to, and believe the hype. He has demanded a ‘double your money’ deal from his employers, lest he ply his trade elsewhere. Bolton have recently ended their interest in Bullard and so he may find himself in an awkward position unless someone else comes in for him.

The genius of Jimmy Bullard is that he detracts attention from Fulham’s true talisman, King John Paintsil. Sunday will mark Paintsil’s first return to Upton Park since a summer move across town along with Bobby Zamora, and the pair should both be on the receiving end of a warm reception.

JP is looking forward to the match, but has made clear his desire to do as well as possible for The Cottagers, as he is such an exemplary professional.

“I will be very happy to see the West Ham fans as I love them so much. They were really behind me when I was there and they gave me a lot of support.”

5. Sheikh Your Moneymaker

The week’s big story has been Manchester City’s pursuit of AC Milan’s playmaker, Kaka. While it has been firmly established on the Upton Park terraces that he is not as good as John Paintsil, he apparently still commands a fee of £100million and a weekly wage of £500,000.

This whole wage madness began at Old Trafford back in 2001 when new arrival Sebastian Veron was put on £50,000 per week, smashing the clubs previously strict wage structure. This lead to the likes of Keane, Giggs, Scholes and Beckham demanding parity and Pandora’s Box was left as exposed as Audley Harrison’s jaw.

From there we find ourselves in the position where the average wage of a Premiership footballer is now around £20,000 a week, rising up to the current high of the £130,000 Robinho is “earning”.

The figures involved in this proposed transfer are frankly ridiculous and would set a dangerous precedent in these uncertain times. If City succeed, Kaka will earn nearly three times as much as Robinho, who in turn earns nearly twice as much as his nearest teammate. This will surely only lead to unrest amongst the squad and raise the bar inexorably.

What would stop Stephen Ireland (a good, but not great player) from then demanding £100,000 a week? That then becomes the benchmark for above average players and before you know it Lucas Neill wants an annual wage of £4billion and the over-stretched finances of several clubs cause many of them to fall like so many Audley Harrisons.

Arsene Wenger succinctly summarised Man City’s proposal as potentially causing “an inflationary trend in a deflationary world.” Obviously there are positives to having Kaka gracing Premiership pitches from Stamford Bridge to St James’s Park, but the overall effects of this transfer could provoke the death knell of English football’s dominance of Europe.

6. Coming Apart At The Teams

Whilst still remaining tight overall, a few gaps are beginning to appear in the league table. The usual suspects (and Villa) are edging away, there is an eight point gap between Everton in 6th and Hull in 8th and we are six points clear of relegation-destined tottenham.

Ourselves and Fulham are locked together on 26 points, although Fulham have a better goal difference and a game in hand after last week’s scheduled encounter with Blackburn Rovers was frozen out.

A win for either team would help establish them as a top half outfit and keep the spectre of relegation at bay, as it is still plausible that any team from 8th down could get sucked into an end-of-season scrap.

7. Picture Book

Bolton weren't sufficiently impressed with Jimmy Bullard's new suit to sign him in January.

8. Claret And Blue In Green

An interesting if off-message article in the news this week was of 16-year old Tyler Rix, a former Academy player who was forced to make a decision between his two loves, football and music.

Rix chose music and its paid off as he has recently been awarded a £1million four-album deal with Universal Classics and Jazz.

One can only hope that the young Rix can continue the long tradition of great football music, like Crystal Palace’s ‘Glad All Over’ or ‘The Anfield Rap’.

9. Gentleman John

The following is an extract from the new book by Craig Murray, former UK Ambassador to Uzbekistan and prominent political activist:

“In December 2008 I found myself sitting next to Baroness Amos on an airport bus heading for the plane to Accra. Once on board she moved to Business class while due to overbooking I was downgraded to Economy Plus.

I shared this fate with John Paintsil, the Fulham and Ghana wing-back. We sat together and I must say he is delightful. He was flying back for two days mid-season to take his sick father to hospital. He was extremely polite and unassuming, helped other passengers with their luggage, put up with my conversation about football, and was evidently devoted to his wife and children.

At the end of the flight I saw him search through the cabin to find one of the British Airways Unicef envelopes to make a donation, while not drawing anyone else’s attention to his gift. We hear a great deal about the terrible behaviour of Premier League footballers. But I am sure there are other John Paintsils.”

Apart from that last line, I couldn’t agree more.

Fulham 1 - 2 West Ham (And Some More Tevezgate)

This weeks column will be a little different. No, it won't be well written or funny, but it will have a pre match comment, a first half and then a distinct second half. This is really in order to let me write a report on the Fulham game whilst launching into some Tevezian areas of debate.

Pre Match Warm Up

1. Get This

As a matter of interest, if we had managed the not wildly implausible feat of beating West Brom, we would now be top of the league.

Currently, we sit 2 points behind Chelsea and Liverpool, level with Arsenal, 4 points clear of Man Utd and 10 points clear of tottenham. Naturally, our nearest challengers for the UEFA Cup spot that we currently occupy are Hull City.

We are the most free scoring team in the top 6.

Statistics are brilliant.

The First Half

2. Get Them

Two post match quotes from the managers:

Roy Hodgson: "If you look at the possession statistics and that of the chances created it would be in our favour"

Gianfranco Zola: "I think it wasn't luck, I think we played a good match. There was only one team that deserved to win and I'm pleased that it was West Ham".

To get two more conflicting statements than that you would need to ask Sarah Palin and my two year old daughter a question about foreign policy (my daughter has had her passport for two years you see), and yet strangely both Zola and Hodgson are wrong.

The statistics do not in any way support the assertion that Fulham dominated this match, but having said that, it wasn't exactly as one sided an affair as Zola seems to think. I can't agree that Fulham deserved to win this game, but there is a reasonable argument somewhere that they deserved something from the game.

I suppose I am concluding that all in all this was a strange game. Let's leave it at that.

3. The Statistics

As mentioned above, it would be hard to contest that Fulham were especially dominant in this match. They mustered a surprising 20 shots to our 17, but only 2 were on target against 7 from us. Given that they scored with one of those shots, this actually meant that Robert Green made just one save all match. Ho hum.

Possession was split with a 53% share in our favour, although even that doesn't really tell us much. Incredibly, Jimmy Bullard attempted 8 shots all on his own, all from free kicks, and 7 of which were directed straight at our wall. It's hard to believe he doesn't still play for us with accuracy like that.

Craig Bellamy had a couple of efforts when he came on. I think now would be a good time to move on.

4. The Opposition

For a long time I have to admit that I found Fulham to be fairly pointless. Under Tigana they played nice football, had an attacking outlook and were quite entertaining. Then they spent £11m on Steve Marlet which precipitated the current global banking crisis, and I lost some respect for them.

Under Coleman and Sanchez they were simply there, never going down but never really contributing. Sort of like the Belgians.

It should be noted, however, that under Roy Hodgson they have gained a new lease of life. Their survival last year was impressive, and they have begun to pick up a few players that don't make my eyes glaze over and my eyelids heavy. The midfield quartet of Gera, Davies, Bullard and Murphy is quite tasty and Zamora and Johnson seems like a functional pairing up front.

I shall not go overboard - we did beat them after all - but there are lots more reasons to hope Fulham stay up than previously. Unlike, say, Middlesbrough who are currently setting a world record in pointlessness and should probably just be closed down to save us all a lot of hassle.

5. The Referee

Mr A Marriner took charge of this match and had a somewhat eventful time. In between penalising Scott Parker for pretty much every challenge he made, he sent off Andy Johnson for a couple of nasty tackles. Although I am the model of impartiality, given that he was lucky not go for the first one on Illunga I have limited sympathy for the cheating little gobshite.

With West Ham cruising at 2-0 up and Fulham struggling, for reasons best known to himself and an opiate farmer in Afghanistan, Lucas Neill decided to handle an innocuous ball into the box. It wasn't immediately obvious but it looked close enough and Marriner gave it. Pretty hard to blame the referee for that.

6. The Flourishing Left

I can't say for sure that I completely understand our new formation, or even whether it's having any impact. That may sound somewhat silly given results, but I'm not quite ready to salute the revolution simply on the back of beating Newcastle and Fulham.

So yes, this may be the Emperor's New Clothes, but it certainly seems to have perked up Matthew Etherington either way. Having waited 11 months for a goal, he now has two in a week and seems liberated by the new system. His finish here was a splendid effort, although there was something poignantly familiar about watching a winger sprint clear of Konchesky and Paintsil to score.

He is being helped enormously by the presence of Herita Illunga behind him, whose early performances are enough to suggest that George McCartney isn't going to be quite as sorely missed as we feared. Illunga has a neatness about his play that appeals, and his willingness to advance deep into opposition territory is welcome, even if it leaves the terrifying prospect of Neill and Upson on their own against quick forwards, slow forwards or indeed any sentient beings with the gift of mobility.

7. The Return Of Our Midfield

Having spent quite some time mocking our midfielders for their uniform lack of creativity it behooves me to eat some humble pie and acknowledge that since the arrival of Zola, Mark Noble has set up two goals in as many games, Etherington has scored twice and Valon Behrami has yet to actually stop moving.

In Noble's case I'm not going to break out the champagne just yet as Newcastle and Fulham aren't exactly Arsenal circa 1989, but it's a start.

Scott Parker is quite possibly not made of balsa wood.

8. Cole Patrol

Got nicked. Ran the Fulham defence ragged. Scored. Made some post match comments that looked like they used English. Job done.

2nd Half

OK, now I know for a fact that some legal types read this blog, mostly because they all offer their services immediately after The Boleyn Beluga posts anything.

I'd like to hear from you all. I appreciate that maybe you're not all experts in the area of sports law, or even the arcane rules apparently being operated by the FA, but even so let's hear your thoughts.

You see, I have a question and it maybe entirely obvious, but it interests me none the less. Before I get to my question, let me recap a few things just in case anyone has been living in the state of Alaska for the last week and has had no exposure to the rest of the Universe. Last week an Independent FA Tribunal decided that Sheffield United were indeed entitled to claim compensation from West Ham as a result of the shenanigans around Carlos Tevez.

We ended up in this position after Sheffield United had failed with two original appeals of the original Premier League verdict and a further challenge in the High Court. As I understand it these were mainly rejected because those courts could only rule on the legality of the original decision rather than whether the outcome was "sensible".

Having successfully tried the case through the media, Sheffield United were finally able to find a kangaroo court to their liking when they spoke to the FA, who by pure coincidence are a body at war with the Premier League. Under the rules of the FA, governing all member clubs, both West Ham and Sheffield United were bound to attend the tribunal and yield all right to an appeal of the decision.

Here, things got hairy as Sheffield United were able to bring to bear a great deal of media outrage and hyperbole, calling witnesses as varied as Graham Taylor, Alan Shearer and Henry Winter (Chief Dickhead for The Daily Telegraph) to make the argument that without Tevez we would have been relegated.

Shockingly at the culmination of the hearing the panel agreed, stating that they were certain West Ham would have accrued three less points without the Argentine, and describing Tevez as "infinitely more talented than any other player in the side". Sheffield United are now claiming £30m and given the ludicrous nature of the initial decision it doesn't seem like the craziest notion in the world that they might get it.

And so to return to the question I mentioned when I first started writing this brief recap sometime back in the late 90's - "If the commission decide that we should pay Sheffield United £30m........ why don't we just refuse to pay? "Hear me now, your judgement is flawed and if you want my money I shall see you in the High Court where your argument about parallel universes will have no weight"

Now, that may appear nonsensical but hear me out.

The FA is a private organisation, which is the reason that we were forced to attend the hearing in the first place. If we disregard their rules presumably we'll be chucked out of the FA which would have a whole heap of other problems but I don't see any legal mechanism by which we can be forced to pay the bloody money, right?

Of course Sheffield United could take us to the High Court, but presumably this would be advantageous to us because no judge in the cosmos would agree with a ruling that is basically one step removed from saying "Well my tarot cards indicate..."?

Clearly I am to the law what Victoria Beckham is to neuroscience but is any of this plausible or simply the ramblings of an idiot raging against the dying of the light? It wouldn't be the first time..

Fulham vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 27/09/2008

1. Why Are We Here Again?

Not an existentialist query, just a plea for confirmation.

Jesus, what a couple of weeks.

Managers being sacked, speculation swirling around Upton Park, well-dressed Italians consolidating their influence, the mutated offspring of once-dead court cases rising from the grave, West Ham scoring freely at home with good football and the US Government stalling over a $700billion package to move Wall St in it's entirity to Jerusalem where Paul McCartney plans to symbolically batter it down with his ex-wife's prosthetic leg whilst singing 'Give Peace A Chance'.

Just once this year it would be nice to write a preview centred on sporting matters.

2. The King And I

The most telling aspect of this Saturday's trip to Craven Cottage is of course that West Ham fans will be reunited with the majestic sight of a marauding John Pantsil running around any part of the pitch he sees fit and hurling himself acrobatically through the air for little or no reason, albeit in a white shirt.

Regardless of who he plays for (bar the obvious), King Pantsil will always be a hero to me and as such he shall be commemorated in these pages with The H List's first pictures. Et voila...

See here how brave KP tries vehemently to kick Brian McBride's head off - a figurehead of the common man taking on the world's superpower. What a biting social commentator.

3. Happy Hunting Ground

Craven Cottage has proven fertile ground for us during the Premiership years and it must be the only place in the land where we remain unbeaten. I would hazard a guess that the boys have even contrived to lose to the local school kids at our Chadwell Heath training ground on occasion.

For some considerable time we have always managed to come away from Fulham with either a win by a single goal or a scoreless draw, so it seems as good a place as any to get our stuttering away campaign out of the blocks.

4. The Opposition

Woy Hodgson has done a great job since taking over at Fulham (as was so insightfully predicted on these very pages), pulling off an improbable relegation escape akin to our own and strengthening his squad in the summer, wisely resisting the temptation to overstretch and lose sight of Fulham's place in the natural order of things.

We are all aware that the strengthening of Fulham came at a cost to our own squad, with Bobby Zamora and King Pantsil making the switch across the capital in the summer months. With the Board's insistence of a cut in the wage bill, Zamora's position was always precarious after a return of just one goal last season and a goal that came against the porous Derby County.

Bobby seems to have flourished at Fulham, turning in some top class frontman displays and scoring a lovely goal against Bolton. He, like many others, is a player who needs regular football to show his best form and I don't think any of us would begrudge him a successful spell at Craven Cottage.

Another former West Ham player, Jimmy Bullard, is the lynchpin of the Fulham side. A Newham lad and Hammers fan, Bullard's work ethic was forged from working his way up to top flight football via a host of clubs. Having started out in non-League football, Bullard came to West Ham via Gravesend & Northfleet but failed to break into the team. Spells at Peterborough and Wigan followed before Chris Coleman brought him to Fulham where he has successfully returned from serious injury to become the fulcrum of the side.

Bullard is Fulham's main creative outlet and forms a competent central midfield partnership with Danny Murphy. That these two are of much the same style and calibre as our own central pairing of Scott Parker and Mark Noble, should make for an interesting contest.

Andy 'Kojak' Johnson was Fulham's main transfer indulgence, but the slaphead with the most annoying goal celebration in world football still flatters to deceive and I'm perplexed as to how he can boast even a handful of England caps. He reminds me of Kevin Phillips in that one swallow does not make a summer.

Woy has Fulham playing some decent football and Saturday's encounter has all the ingredients of a decent game. Fulham's impressive early home form coupled with our lamentable away displays could see a turning of the tides, but the Zola-effect should still have some way to run and it's a match where a positive result is certainly achievable.

5. Picture Book

Upon reflection, I think it's fair to say that we've all wanted to kick Harry Kewell in the face at some stage in our lives. And to whom do you think that errant boot belongs? That's right - our very own King Pantsil, selflessly living the dream on behalf of his people.

6. Sheffield Appeal Works

For those of you who haven't got round to reading HeadHammer Shark's Newcastle review below, he makes some very salient points regarding the neverending Tevezgate in his final entry (I'd skip the rest).

It appears that our torrid affair with controversy is ceaseless. This morning it has been reported that more than a few Sheffield United players plan on suing West Ham for loss of earnings in light of their relegation from the Premier League 4,000 years ago.

These fine pillars of men are riled that their pay packets have sunk below the 20,000-per-week mark and that they have been made to pay a financial cost for their own incompetence and distinct lack of class on and off the pitch.

What is the world coming to when an employee is judged on personal performance and rewarded accordingly? The Yorkshire industrialists of years gone by must be spinning in their stainless steel graves.

Surely there must be a court in the land, or indeed the continent, that can see this whole case for the folly it is. We at The H List receive two or three summonses a week for innocuous investigative journalism into Heather Mills’ alleged funding of Hezbollah.

Naturally, not every neutral will agree with us, but I’d guess that in spite of their personal opinion, they can see that this case has mutated into so much more than West Ham United vs Sheffield United.

I personally have no time for Scott Duxbury and think he is an unsightly stain on our once fine reputation. He has a bit too much of the Peter Kenyons about him and his corporate smugness has no place in our club, but the ruling as it stands would be every bit as momentous as the Bosman, in a wholly negative way.

To not nip these dangerous precedents in the bud is to risk the very essence of the national game, to move the theatre of contest from the pitch to the law courts.

McCabe, Colin, Sean Bean and all that lot may think they have struck a blow for justice, but they risk irrevocably undermining the game they purport to love and becoming the real villains of the piece. History will judge them harshly should they succeed and football’s once sacrosanct and last enduring appeal would be lost.

7. Cole Parole

Just when you thought we had found a competent striker who could play more than three successive games or wasn’t an embarrassment to the shirt, Carlton Cole goes and gets himself nicked for drink-driving.

Getting pulled over at 4-30am on the morning before a game you will miss because of ‘injury’ is a fine way to endear yourself to your new manager. The Little Big Man has fined Cole the standard two weeks wages and given him a right ticking off, which must have looked something like The Borrowers meets Shaft.

I always thought of Cole as a grafter who largely kept his head down and got on with the job (relatively speaking, these are professional footballers) and I was disappointed to hear of his transgression.

Come on, Carlton, pull your socks up – you’re no John Hartson.

8. Struck Down Striker

Dean Ashton’s shortbread lapse of last week has seen him directed to the operating theatre for exploratory surgery on his ankle, which will keep him out for at least a month. Our brittle strike force has been further hampered by doubts over comparative ever-present Carlton Cole, who has a raging hangover and with every week that he doesn’t play, Craig Bellamy threatens to fade from existence much like Marty McFly in Back To The Future.

David di Michele has surely done enough to warrant a place in the starting line-up this weekend regardless of who else is available. He looked a handful at West Brom and an accomplished threat against Newcastle.

Don’t be surprised if Freddie Sears gets the nod to start on Saturday. Sears was the recipient of some encouraging praise from the manager after our familiar, comedic capitulation at Watford in midweek and he could be our best available option alongside di Michele.

An hour for Sears and a run out for Bellamy if you’re interested, Gianfranco… Gianfranco?

9. Baptism Of Pantsil

In our final photo of the article, we see how this young Moroccan Number 17 is about to get the rude awakening of his life. Look at him, all wet behind the ears, blissfully unaware of his imminent demise - he has absolutely no idea of KP’s aptitude for aerial gymnastics.

Fulham 0 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. An Admission - This Article Is Brought To You Via The Magic Of Football First

Before I begin this column, there is a truth that must come out. I did not go to this game, and instead followed events via TalkSPORT, an experience which is not dissimilar to listening to a pair of schizophrenics on acid.

I digress. You see, if I have to pay £45 to watch Clint Dempsey try and play football, then I'm expecting a few sweeteners in the deal, like maybe some lapdances, or a new Toyota Hilux or free private education for both my daughters.

2. Three Chords And The Truth

Let's be up front about this. No summary of this game can begin anywhere other than in the 87th minute, primarily as this was the first time that anyone did anything interesting. The incident in question saw Nolberto Solano burst through on to a "through ball" from Luis Boa Morte (more on that later), clatter Antti Niemi in the neck and elbow the loose ball in to the net, albeit accidentally.

Now, no sensible observer could claim that it was a fair goal, so naturally the Match of the Day analysts saw no problem with it. This is utter nonsense. If that goal had been given against West Ham I'd have been lobbying my MP for an Early Day Motion. There have been lots of ridiculous statements in the press along the lines of "These things happen when you're down the bottom" as though that is somehow justification for obscenely bad officiating.

Of course, I wouldn't want anyone thinking that I actually give a monkey's about Fulham but it would be farcical to try and claim that this was anything other than a robbery.

3. The Statistics

There are a curious set of numbers for this game. Fulham had no less than 14 (!) shots on target, despite the fact that they did not muster a worthwhile chance until the 85th minute. It must be pointed out that there is something to be said for ignoring statistics occasionally, on account of how they only reveal the uselessness of statistics.

We had the ball for a hefty 57% of the time, which we translated into 6 shots on target, half of which were from Carlton Cole and thus went straight at Niemi. These seem like odd figures to me, because a superficial evaluation would lead you to think that the home side were the better team, when in fact they were almost seminally appalling.

All of the above doesn't discount the fact that there can't be any argument that this game was 100% tedious.

4. The Opposition

Ah, Fulham. Mohammed Al Fayed's marvellous marriage of affluence and effluent. Never has so much been spent on so little. It's not Roy Hodgson's fault of course, given that Lawrie Sanchez took £20m in the summer and blew it (and boy did he blow it) on the entire Northern Ireland team.

Apart from the inestimable Jimmy Bullard it's hard to pick a player from this team who is anything other than an average Premier Leaguer at best. It is fairly telling that Brian McBride remains their only potent attacking threat, despite being as mobile as Ayers Rock, whilst Diomansy Kamara is the best non goalscoring, non passing, no vision Senegalese striker in the League this side of El Hadji Diouf.

They will grace the Championship. And soon.

5. The Referee

Quite apart from missing Nolberto Solano's neck high tackle on Niemi, Howard Webb had a questionable game. He did well enough in patches until eventually succumbing and awarding Fulham some fairly ludicrous free kicks, purely because the home fans were feeling somewhat displeased with life at the time. If you are being intimidated into making incorrect decisions by Fulham fans then I'm thinking "career change" should be high on your list of priorities.

He also sent off Leon Adreason for some late dissent which was probably fair enough on both sides, and he didn't send off Paul Stalteri despite him scoring that winner for tottenham last year, which would have been spectacularly unfair but would have made me very happy.

The strange decision to allow Solano's goal was a mistake and a bad one, but somewhat understandable considering the participants. Niemi is hardly the second coming of Bert Trautmann, whilst our bruising Peruvian winger isn't exactly Tommy Lawton reincarnated. Truth be told, Solano showed greater desire and Niemi should have been tougher. These things happen and if Fulham feel that aggrieved about it they could always score a goal or two themselves.

6. Alright, Then

Apparently as a child, Clint Dempsey based his game on that of Diego Maradona.

{I am speechless. You'll have to insert your own joke here}

7. Cole Patrol

Our erstwhile frontman continues to have an oximoronic season for the ages. His approach play remains excellent, or at least better than anyone else we currently have, but his composure in front of goal tends to rival that of a Daily Mail reader at an Immigration conference. Three times he had great chances on Saturday and each occasion saw Niemi barely tested.

I am not as down on Cole as the rest of the Universe. I think he is a willing trier, unlike Ashton who is several spare tyres, and I actually think is more skilful than he is given credit for. Of course, he is not given any credit at all by most Hammers fans so that isn't hard.

I could certainly live with him scoring a few more goals, or indeed not pausing when clean through on goal to complete a devilishly tricky Sudoku puzzle, thus allowing Paul Konchesky to run 70 metres and block his eventual shot. But then I am a hard taskmaster.

8. It Goes Ashton And On And On

As Cole's star rises, so does Dean Ashton's wane. He is now a clear second choice to Cole, and no amount of blonde hair dye can disguise that balding pate either. Inside of Dean Ashton lurks a splendid centre forward, along with several plates of biscuits judging from the size of him, and it is the most frustrating element of our season that we have yet to see him emerge.

I retain hope that he can recapture the lost magic, but there is a feeling that persists that he cannot work with Curbishley. The latters infatuation with 4-5-1 will never suit the immobile Ashton, and a pairing with Cole doesn't seem like the answer. Truthfully his progression probably relies upon the safe return of Craig Bellamy, which doesn't augur well considering the Welshman was last seen hobbling off to hospital yelling "The knee bone is not connected to the scapula, you fool!" at our physio.

9. The Luis Boa Morte Experiment

Boa Morte returned to the lineup again, proving that Matthew Etherington must be clinically dead, and quite possibly that the Portugese is holding Alan Curbishley's family somewhere.

To be fair to him, no one could ever question Boa Morte's effort. He spends most of the game chasing after lost causes, usually as a direct result of his concrete boots and abysmal first touch. One such instance occurred in the build up to our goal, when he chested down Lucas Neill's cross so deftly that it bounced a full 15 yards away, equidistant between Solano and Niemi and extremely distant from Boa Morte.

Of course, I could write an entire article making smart remarks about Luis Boa Morte but I shall not. He does his best, and given the Big Time Charlies who derailed our season last year, it is perhaps not the worst thing in the world to have some more limited but committed types.

10. Highlights

I am not sure if I have been clear enough about the truly dismal fare that was served up on Saturday. It was somewhat unfortunate that with this being the anniversary of Bobby Moore's death, two of his former teams produced a game so awful that it would have kept him rapidly revolving in his grave for the whole 90 minutes.

Doubtless you are therefore eager to get the highlights. Here they are - just ignore the Japanese analysis for the first few seconds - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM. Enjoy... (thanks to my friend Daryn for the link)....

Fulham vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 23/02/2008

1. The Magnificent Dozen (Less One)

If there is any justice in this world (which there isn't - the enduring popularity of The Brit Awards is testimony to that), I would be declared Supreme Ruler Of The Boleyn Ground. My first act as your new leader would be to ensure a mandatory uniform be necessary to gain entry to Upton Park.

And it would be thus:

www.tshirts365.com/sportshop/productpage/1,17576,7582_10059_1654842,00.html?productid=276063&aff=105

2. Wome Wasn't Built In A Day

When Woy Hodgson took over at Fulham, I for one was quite surpwised at the selection and thought it an inspired choice.

He is one of the few Englishmen who have genuine managewial cwedentials wanging fwom top level Euwopean football with Inter Milan to major internationals, having lead Switzerland to World Cup USA '94 - a tournament for which England failed to qualify.

However, it seems as though Woy has inhewited a stacked deck at Cwaven Cottage and will need a couple of years or more to establish Fulham as a solid Pwemiership outfit.

Should he fail, he faces having his Hawwods store card wevoked and be the latest addition to the ever-gwoing list of people accused of conspiwing to murder Dodi Fayed.

3. The History

Last season's corresponding fixture ended in a 0-0 draw, but our record at Craven Cottage is very good. We remain unbeaten there in the Premiership and have claimed 10 out of a possible 12 points since 2002. In fact, we haven't lost away to Fulham since the 1974/'75 season.

While historically things look good, the same old problems persist. Our matches this year have produced fewer goals than any other club in the league - surely a consequence of Curbishley's stifled style of play.

We do possess the fourth best defensive away record, but our lack of bite upfront would explain why we have won just one of our last five games - and that came courtesy of an injury time penalty.

One ray of hope is that our good defensive away record is in stark contrast to Fulham's home one. Derby aside, they have conceded more goals at home than anyone other team this season.

This game marks the end of an 'easy' period which should have seen us make some ground on those above. Our next four fixtures are Chelsea (h), Liverpool (a), The Scum (a) and Blackburn (h) - although knowing us, we'll pick up twelve points there.

Of course we won't.

4. Captain Marvel

It is fitting that Sunday sees the 15th anniversary of the death of Bobby Moore, a day after the two clubs he played for go head-to-head.

While his three seasons at Fulham are a mere footnote to his career after sixteen glorious years at Upton Park, Moore is still fondly remembered at Craven Cottage and demanded the respect of football fans the world over.

Lucas Neill has spoken this week of how he still gets a "tingle" when he thinks of his name on a list that boasts England's only World Cup-winning captain, but that's obviously where any comparisons end. Matty Upson has also spoken of his pride at wearing the famous West Ham Number 6 shirt.

Neill has confessed that earlier in the season he was guilty of trying too hard to be a captain as opposed to just a good player and leading by example, but he's shown no signs of turning that corner just yet.

Bobby Moore, widely regarded as the greatest defender to have ever played the game, should rightly be remembered at this weekend's match. In retirement he was criminally overlooked in comparison to the likes of Bobby Charlton and Geoff Hurst.

West Ham aside, it is only the recent Goliath of a statue outside the new Wembley Stadium that bares fitting tribute to the embodiment of what a footballer should be.

Oh to have him on the teamsheet now.

5. Hail To The Thief

Firstly, Mohammed Al Fayed is a famously litigious man and so I salute him in all his endeavours, all of which are cracking good value. However, as a bogus pseudo-journalist of sorts, I am forced to speak of a story brought to my attention recently by a blaspheming unbeliever.

Not so long ago there was an 'exclusive' promotion in Harrods whereby discerning customers could treat themselves to a single glass of Dom Perignon 1975 for a measly £250. For one glass. That's £250 for one glass.

Of course, the promotion came with all the usual corporate spiel, but it was plain to see this for what it was (said the soon-to-be-penniless dissenter) - a scam akin to paying £7 million for Seth Johnson.

As outrageous as this seemed, the offer should have come as no surprise from a man who charges a whopping £45 for a bog-standard ticket to see what is essentially a glorified Championship team. Apparently, some chimney-sweeps have turned their noses up at the fee.

They know not the value of 90-minutes in the company of a man happy to close one of the largest and most popular shops in the Western world in order to pander to a bleach-skinned pop star turned paedo.

6. He We Are Now, Entertain Us

When I'm not acclaiming the wonders of the world's finest department store or denouncing that Nazi, the Duke Of Edinburgh, I enjoy a good read, an innovative tune or a slice of cinematic splendour.

On those rarest of occasions - with the planets in necessary alignment, ITV broadcasting anything worth watching bar football - I am also partial to the increasingly rare sight of an entertaining home fixture at Upton Park.

Not necessarily a win, just some entertainment.

A few short years ago, this wasn't such a far-fetched concept. This season however, you can count the number of exciting home games on the fingers of a man who juggles live grenades for a living. Some performances have been so dour, it's surprising suicide rates among Hammers fans haven't matched those of Bridgend teenagers.

Come on, lads - how about a bit of caution-to-the-wind football? Our Premiership status is assured and Europe is a pipedream - why not some kamikaze, Keegan-esque football for the last few games to cheer the home support?

For formation ideas, I refer you to the soon-to-be mandatory home uniform detailed above.

7. Tom, Dick And Lucas

During my youth, I misspent my time in a variety of ways. Very occasionally I was not protesting outside the Home Office at their excessively stringent Visa requirements for the many down-trodden Egyptian billionaire migrants in the UK.

During the quiet times, I was force-fed many classic films from the 1960's - one of which was the POW tale, 'The Great Escape'.

When it's not being desecrated by the tiresome England Supporters band, this film surely ranks among the greats. One scene in particular has popped into my mind more than once when watching our captain this year.

Sir Dickie Attenborough and his right-hand man Gordon Jackson have done all the hard work in preparing their men for escape and the perils of fleeing through enemy territory. Everything was taken care of, right down to those sneaky Nazis and their ingenious language trip-up techniques.

Things are going swimmingly as Dickie and Gordon, posing as Frenchmen, board a bus for neutral Switzerland, only to come a cropper when Jackson replies in English to a Nazi gesture of "Good luck".

Consider the following fictitious post-match interview with Herr Neill:

"Another tedious goalless draw here at Upton Park, Lucas."
"Cheers, mate."
"Yet more staggering positional play and desperate strong-arm tactics from yourself."
"Thanks, mate."
"Still, you must be chuffed at having fooled your paymasters that you are a professional right-back?"
"Sure am, mate."

*Cue stricken look of panic as Lucas realises the game is up*

Well, Lucas - the game has been up for some time now. What on earth has happened to our roguish, more-than-competent defender of last season??

8. Injury List... Blah Blah Blah

Craig Bellamy is out for six weeks and may well have to be put down. Curbishley has decided that Bobby Zamora and Julien Faubert will need at least another 45 reserve team games before he risks releasing them from their bubblewrap cocoons.

Curbs has been gracious enough to allow Scott Parker back into full training as of Monday and said that he may even get a game or two before retirement. Meanwhile, rumours abound that we will bid for Eidur Gudjohnsen in the summer - just so that our over-cautious manager can saw his legs off and imprison him in our Hotel California of a treatment room.

I'm getting sick and tired of hearing Curbishley say this player is 'still a few weeks away' and that player has 'only had half an hour in the reserves'. His record as manager thus far is the epitome of average - won 18, lost 18, drawn 10.

At least when we were scrapping around the lower end of the league, one might feel a jolt of adrenaline now and then.

West Ham 3 - 3 Fulham (And Other Ramblings)

1. The Department Of Blind Optimism

Home wins are just sooooo last year.

That's 2 games unbeaten! 3 goals for the second consecutive match - we're a lean mean goal machine! And it's been a good couple of weeks since we let in 6.

Everything is coming up roses, people.

2. The Department Of Actual Facts

Number of games played against Reading, Portsmouth, Man City, Newcastle, Fulham, Middlesboro, Watford - 11

Points won - 3

Those numbers would tend to indicate that mediocrity rules. I have aspirations that we too can be mediocre one day.

3. The Statistics

As is customary these days, we enjoyed more possession to the tune of 58% but for all our bluster, vim and vigour we don't really have the incisiveness that was so evident last season.

Incredibly, Luis Boa Morte was the victim of no less than 10 fouls on Saturday. I'm guessing that when he left Fulham he cut the ends off all their socks because that it is by some distance the worst battering that any of our players have taken this season.

Naturally, that nasty little gobshite Michael Brown committed the most fouls of anybody on the pitch with 5. You can take the boy out of Sheffield United....

4. The Opposition

Chris Coleman thought that it would have been a 'travesty' if Fulham hadn't got anything from this game. I think if they'd got cholera then that would have been ok but for them to get a point was robbery.

Leaving aside the ridiculous lack of action from the referee over the consistent cynical fouling, anytime you accidentally score your first goal then you can scarcely claim you 'deserve' something out of the game.

5. The Referee

I'm not really in favour of blaming referees for poor results. It's like blaming Virgin Megastore for the musical output of James Blunt.

Of course, when you've got one who's running round with his pools coupon sticking out of his top pocket with the West Ham v Fulham fixture clearly marked as a draw it is cause for concern.

The gripe about the decision not to award a foul for the challenge on Dailly in the lead up to Christanval's goal was legitimate, although Reo Coker was probably fortunate to still be on the pitch at that point. Not as lucky as Christanval though who should have gone for his foul on Tevez.

Bobby Zamora's red card was rather stupid. Quite why he felt the need to make that tackle is beyond me, particularly when Poll was refereeing as he was. Craply.

6. Alan's A Bit Tense

Has anybody else noticed that Alan Curbishley can't quite decide if he should be using 'they', 'us', 'we', 'them' or 'that shower of Pardew's' when he refers to West Ham?

Alright, Alan, I think we've got the message - you haven't been here long and it's all Pardew's fault. Is there any chance you might be able to fit a quick session in on defending set pieces though? I know the lads are busy with their court appearances and car purchasing sprees but see what you can do.

7. Let's Go Old School

I have a suggestion for next week. Play 2-3-5 like they did back in the old days when footballers earned £3 a week and weren't all complete tosspots.

See the thing is that we have no fit central defenders for our trip to Newcastle so we may as well see if we can't get all 5 of our strikers in the team. Given that Newcastle play Peter Ramage and Stephen Taylor in their back 4 they are essentially only playing 2 defenders themselves so it should even itself out.

8. Curbing Everybody's Enthusiasm

What on earth is going on when Javier Mascherano, Matthew Etherington, Marlon Harewood, Teddy Sheringham, Paul Konchesky and Mark Noble cannot get into our squad of 16 but Shaun Newton, fresh from failing a drugs test and not playing a match in 7 months is guaranteed a spot?

I'm all for Nigelling up in the middle of the park if it means we get our foot in a bit more often but come on, why is this guy still getting paid?

9. We're Consistent At One Thing

Our continued ability to let the detritus of the Premiership score against us. Not content with letting Mido do it, we upped (or lowered depending on how you view it) the bar by letting DaMarcus Beasley and Kevin Davies notch before finally settling on the excess waste material that is Tomas Radzinski. Of course, he did score his goal inadvertantly but apparently they all count.

10. Yossi!

Great to have you back mate. Absolutely no idea where you've been all season but it's a pleasure to have someone on the pitch who looks able to create something for himself.

And boy doesn't he just love a chip against this lot?

11. You Show 'Em Bob

It's de rigeur these days at those moments of Halley's Comet-like frequency when England take a wicket, for the guys involved to roll the ball back to the umpire to enable both hands to be free for some high five action. At West Ham there seems to be a different approach.

Good call from Zamora then to cup his ear to the crowd a la Reo Coker after scoring. As though one goal since September is how you ram the taunts of disgruntled fans back down their throats. And they wonder why footballers are viewed with all the love and affection of solicitors and traffic wardens.

12. Back To The Future

I'm sorry to say this but this season has all the hallmarks of our Roederian relegation. An unisipiring manager, injuries at key positions and a chronic lack of belief on the pitch. What is different is that we have a huge warchest to spend - it's just that no one wants any of it. We're being turned down like a Robbie Williams CD at my wedding. Frequently, quickly and with much abuse. Any time someone decides that they're not leaving Watford to come to you, it is a bad day.

My own preferences would be for another striker - David Nugent would be my target, and a centre back - at this point, anyone with an intact groin would suit me.

Of course, deep down I believe that our current squad are good enough to escape relegation this year but they have played like it so rarely my faith has been sorely tested.

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

Some people would describe this website as a 'low paid, anarchic mess'.

Which is, of course, an anagram of 'Michael Dawson is crap'. Now I don't want you to think I'm a 'callously shadowless anti-semite' when I say that. Which is of course an anagram of 'Michael Dawson is totally useless'......

Something To Ponder

Those of you who know me well will know that Mrs Shark and Ms Shark Junior are now in New Zealand pending my arrival in a couple of weeks.

Aside from the very real fear that I may have scurvy by the time I get there, I will also not really be able to update The H List during the month of February.

Therefore, if there is any one out there who fancies writing it for a few games then please, let me know. The pay ain't great and the hours are shocking but you do get to coat Michael Dawson so it does have it's perks.......

West Ham vs Fulham/Portsmouth (And Other Ramblings)

Fulham 0-0 West Ham

1. Why I Subscribe To Sky

I trust you all had a Merry Christmas. I wonder if you, as I did, flicked through the channels late on Christmas night, whilst sitting on the sofa feeling a little bit 'Paddy Kenny', and discovered the truly mental - "Michael Bolton - A Tribute on Ice"?

'What the hell is this - has he died?' I said, out loud, with perhaps a bit too much hope in my voice judging by the shocked gasps from the gallery. Apparently not, but there he was, standing beside an ice rink, butchering Nessun Dorma like, well, Michael Bolton, as some poor girl tried to ignore her bleeding ears and do a few back flips.

Anyway, this was all so surreal that I began to wonder if I wasn't living out some odd kind of experiment like The Truman Show whereby I am made to suffer purely for the entertainment of others.

A little tangential I know but it would certainly go a long way towards explaining how we could lose at home to Newcastle, Reading, Wigan and Portsmouth.

(And by the way - who the hell sings at their own tribute show?)

2. Errant Knight

Let's go back a bit - before I went through the looking glass to a world where Michael Bolton is worthy of tribute, and reminisce a little. Fulham seems a long time ago now, but we were actually quite good. Indeed if it were a boxing match we would have won comfortably on points.

If it was an actual boxing match it would have been crap though. Are there two softer teams in the league than us and Fulham?

I digress - we were unlucky with injuries again though. Zat Knight was injured for this game which gave Fulham an unfortunate fillip as it meant they could play an actual professional footballer in the middle of their defence instead. Knight was absent, having broken his jaw whilst "mucking around at home with his brother". If I ever get the chance to go back in time I'd like to come back and see Chris Coleman's reaction to getting that news.

You might imagine that if I had a power such as that I might choose something a bit more momentous like the Crucifixion, the "I have a dream" speech or us winning away from home but none of those would have fit the joke. Do keep up.

3. Y2K + 7?

Just in case you believe in these sorts of things I did notice a couple of worrying phenomena during this game that could indicate the world is shortly about to end:

Matthew Etherington hit the bar. With a header.

Marlon Harewood controlled a ball with his right foot and hit a swivelling half volley on to the post with his left.

Some Fulham fans sung.

Get as many bottles of water into your basement as you can.

4. The Statistics

We had 49% of possession which is evidence of a fairly competitive game. The difference being that we carved out a number of good chances, hitting the woodwork twice and twice having balls cleared off the line.

Fulham's best chance fell to Brian McBride who tried to slot it home whilst having an epileptic fit of some kind. He didn't score anyway.

5. The Referee

Chris Foy got the three major decisions of the game wrong. He failed to award Fulham a penalty after adjudging Spector to have fouled Tomasz Radzinski in the first half. Why anyone would bother to foul Radzinski is beyond me but there you go, he did, and it should have been a spot kick.

He then missed Liam Rosenior handling on the line at the other end before sending off Paul Konchesky with 5 minutes left after a perfectly timed tackle on Wayne Routledge.

All three of these, particularly the last one, merely highlighted how totally and utterly useless linesmen are these days. Konchesky clearly took the ball before Routledge tumbled over and the lino had a clear view of it. Rather than risk confrontation and assist the referee he took the easy option and kept quiet. When this card gets rescinded I sincerely hope that Chris Foy rings up the linesman and gives him a bit of abuse. Not only is it good for the soul every now and again (see "Dawson, Michael (n) - large inanimate object") but it might convince a few linesmen and women to expand their remit past merely awarding throw ins and corners.

6. The Opposition

Not since I last saw Sheffield United play (*shivers involuntarily*) have I seen a footballer go through 90 minutes and commit a foul every single time he was involved in play. Step forward then Michael Brown - one nasty little bastard if ever I saw one.

And perhaps not surprisingly a product of the Sheffield United youth academy, where one suspects they work on long throws, heading and granny bashing.

Also interesting to see that the player involved in the sending off was Wayne Routledge. A product of the Crystal Palace youth academy and a member of Iain Dowie's promotion winning team of 2004, who were master divers. Andy Johnson being first among cheats in that particular vintage.

It's interesting what a players history can tell you sometimes.

West Ham 1 -2 Portsmouth

1. There's Being Shocked And There's Being Shocking

Alan Curbishley pronounced himself "a bit shocked" at this first half display. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that he took some mind alteringly hard drugs during his sabbatical away from the game, because performances like this have been all too common at Upton Park this season.

I don't want to be the one who starts jerking his knee around uncontrollably but I do get a tad frustrated when games like this are casually swept under the carpet by pundits who say "Ashton comes back et voila - they'll be ok".

Well, no. Dean Ashton is coming back from a serious injury into a team bereft of confidence and seriously lacking creativity. Just how is he going to score any goals when we are playing 4-5-1 at home to bloody Portsmouth?

2. 4-5-1?

I don't want to offend Charlton fans unneccesarily but I have to say that perhaps Curbishley needs to adjust his expectations somewhat if he thinks it's acceptable to play this formation against anyone at home, let alone a team like Pompey.

That might have been ok at The Valley but it's not going to help him here. Not that there is any basis for us to have loftier aspirations than Charlton given the recent histories of both teams, but for whatever reason we do and Curbishley needs to be aware of that. Lose the crowd and you'll more than likely lose your job. Sort of like Gladiator but bloodier and more internecine.

This was a performance of such soporific listlessness that even yawning seemed like an act of great derring-do by comparison.

Just to clarify, I don't actually care if I offend any Charlton fans but I'm not intentionally trying to. I think they have enough to worry about what with having accidentally replaced Iain Dowie as manager with their coach driver for 11 games.

3. The Statistics

We had 60% possession in this game according to MoTD. This was somehow constructed into just 3 shots on target. It should give you some idea of the quality of this game that the team who had the ball for 3/5ths of the time managed one shot on goal every half an hour.

Just to throw the above into even sharper relief. If you imagine possession of the ball as the Superman films we had it right from the first one, all the way through General Zod and that weird one with Richard Pryor.

Sometimes it's easier to face surreality than reality.

4. The Opposition

Portsmouth remain impressive if only because they are so much more than the sum of their parts. They are well organised, solid defensively and in Pedro Mendes they have one of the Premiership's most underrated players. How tottenham considered him to be inferior to Jermain Jenas is a mystery. Mind you, how they consider anyone to be inferior to JJ is a profound conundrum.

All of that said - allowing Linvoy Primus to score against you is rather like shoving an apple up your nose. It's stupid, it's painful and absolutely impossible to do more than once in the same day.

5. While We're At It Department

How come when we've allowed a man with all the goalscoring frequency of a corpse to head the opening goal do we then promptly allow him to do it again? And why was he being marked by 5"11 Hayden Mullins?

The footballing equivalent of walking around a jail cell with your wallet open and moaning about being mugged.

6. Deja Vu

Just to go over a couple of points raised earlier this season:

This defending lark seems like a capital idea. Perhaps we'll give it a go one day.

Just what exactly is our midfield doing so well that Javier Mascherano cannot even get into the squad for games such as this? On that - in what situation are we ever likely to need both George McCartney and Christian Dailly on the bench? Because if it ever arises, it's probably time to abandon all hope.

Does Carlton Cole even exist anymore?

I bet when Carlos Tevez wrote home for Christmas he couldn't wait to tell his family how much he is enjoying watching Harewood and Zamora rampage around like two drunk elephants. His performance on Saturday showed more inspiration than the rest of them put together.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep watching the same old faces trotting out there and under performing against the sides that we need to beat. One off barnstormers against the top 3 can't be relied upon to keep us up when we are playing so appallingly against everyone else.

Give the Boys form the Barrio a proper go Curbs. I'd rather be hung as a wolf than a sheep.

7. Just To Quell Any Optimism

Our run in:

Arsenal (a)
Chelsea (h)
Sheffield Utd (a)
Everton (h)
Wigan (a)
Bolton (h)
Man Utd (a)

I especially love those last 2 games. This is not a 38 game season folks, especially now that Charlton have sacked the groundsman and installed an actual professional football manager.......

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

I've been wondering whether or not to call a truce with Big 'Ol Useless Mike but then I watched the highlights of tottenham's two games over Christmas and saw him give away a goal in each.

At this time of year it's not wise to ignore signs from above.

West Ham vs Fulham/Portsmouth : Christmas 2006 (Match Previews and Other Ramblings)

1. I Know, I Know, I Know

I'm sorry. I know I really should be doing a preview for each of these games but consider this. Imagine you are a jobbing session musician and the only two offers of work you have are for either James Blunt or Robbie Williams. Do you take one of them, or retain your dignity and take up employment as the back end of a pantomime horse?

That's kind of how I feel about the prospect of writing about playing both Fulham and Portsmouth in the space of four days.

So I've decided discretion is the better part of valour and gone for a combination.

2. Jolly Nice Chaps

Let's go chronologically then. We are off to Fulham first of all, a team who despite the huge weight of evidence to the contrary appear to be on course to survive another season in the Premiership.

This is despite the fact that Fulham's central defence consists of Zat Knight and Ian Pearce. Going through their first eleven makes for a who's who of Premiership mediocrity.

All of the above notwithstanding, they have lost just three times at home this season and have the best fanzine name around - "There's Only One F In Fulham".

Given that Fulham is quite possibly the least offensive football club in the land I can't find it within myself to mock them all that much. It follows therefore, that if you look hard enough you will find that Fulham FC is actually made entirely of marshmallow.

Aren't they cute?

3. Errant Knight

Great story about Zat Knight. He was originally playing in non-league football when Kevin Keegan signed him. Keegan resigned not long after, possibly through shame, but it was later revealed that the price for signing Knight was a set of tracksuits.

I don't know about you but I think they overpaid.

It is also a little known fact about Knight that he is exactly the same height as the Eiffel Tower. Although he is not as mobile.

4. Another Tidbit

I once heard a possibly mythical story about Chris Coleman and Alan Pardew.

As you may know they were both team mates at Crystal Palace and when we played Fulham in the Cup a couple of years ago, Pardew made a comment to the effect that he could never keep up drinking with Coleman as he had, and I quote, "..hollow legs..".

It probably seemed an innocuous enough quote at the time but apparently it caused much consternation to the Fulham boss as he was still embroiled in legal action at the time over the car crash that ended his career.

Probably an urban myth but it does show how far Pardew progressed with his media skills. By the end he was making strangely out of context comments all over the place without libelling anyone. That's nice work Al.

5. The History

We have had some success at Fulham in recent years. 3 wins in a row, including a 2-1 victory last year.

However, it's a measure of our frankly offensive away form, that I would imagine Fulham fans view tomorrow as a home banker.

6. That Other Lot

Portsmouth arrive on Boxing Day, having a season that they would not have imagined possible just six months ago. Harry Redknapp is using a familiar modus operandi - filling his squad with ageing veterans on high priced contracts (sound familiar?) and relying on some fantastic home form.

Whilst I have a suspicion that Redknapp is probably being just as casual with Pompey's finances as he was with our own, it isn't likely to have quite the same effect as they are now backed by some substantial Russian finances. Which is enough to mildly anger me.

You see, I am one of those guys who sticks his hands in his pockets when the time comes to give Redknapp his ovation. My main problem was that by the end he was not replacing those players he was selling with any of a similar standard. The writing on that particular wall probably came when Rigobert Song popped up in our defence in place of Rio Ferdinand.

7. The History

We haven't played Portsmouth all that often and we have yet to beat them in 3 tries since we both returned to the Premiership. Last year saw them thump us 4-2 at Upton Park as everyone associated with West Ham had their eyes firmly fixed on our FA Cup quarter final two days later at Man City.

And let me tell you, if we play that badly again I say we cancel New Year.