Overly long writings about West Ham United FC. This is the kind of thing you might like, if you like this kind of thing.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

West Ham 3 -1 Charlton (And Other Ramblings)

1. Is Anybody Else Having Trouble Seeing?

I made the mistake of looking directly at Roy Carroll's jersey and my eyes have only just stopped bleeding.

2. Jimmy Doesn't Score

Much like George W Bush I believe that man and fish can peacefully co-exist. Now, I also believe that the West Ham back 4 and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink can spend an afternoon together without the former feeling the need to donate goals to the latter. That's now 2 games in a row that JFH has failed to score against us. Laugh? I nearly bought my own beer, kids.

3. Things To Be Pleased About

Lee Bowyer was assisterrific. 3 key contributions and a shot that curled on to the post after a really quite tremendous move. All in all he looked rather like a professional footballer, unlike his last stint with us, when he looked the exact opposite. Which would be Seth Johnson.

John Paintsil has declared that his aim for the season is to get all the fans spelling his name properly. Now that isn't all that lofty a goal but it's better than the entire England's squad's desire to "write" an autobiography. Either way, he looked pretty impressive when he came on. Quick, nimble and not a bad passer. Of course he was playing against Bryan Hughes, who is a lampshade with a football shirt draped over him, but you can only beat what's put in front of you.

As a collective unit we were outstanding. Full of pace and inventiveness and much too good for Charlton even when they were at full strength. Bobby Z scored twice and Carlton Cole netted with his second touch. All of which bodes well for our Ashtonless near future.

Hayden Mullins was outstanding without doing anything noticeably briliant. What an oxymoron. Djimi Traore was awful without doing anything much at all. What a moron.

4. Things To Be Worried About

Tyrone Mears looked pretty overwhelmed by it all. He could have been put off by Charlton's odd choice of sock.

Danny Gabbidon and Anton Ferdinand didn't have much to do, but they didn't look all that glorious doing it. I suspect that it's a lack of match sharpness but they really want to sort that out before we go to Liverpool next week. I rather suspect that Steven Gerrard will present more of a threat than Matt Holland.

5. White Lightning

Was our entire outfield line up wearing white boots?

6. 3 Is A Magic Number

According to BBC MoTD we had 67% of the possession. Which you really should against 10 men.

That converted into 16 attempts on goal but just a paltry 5 on target, which isn't all that clever. Charlton apparently managed 3 efforts on target but I can't for the life of me remember them. I'm pretty sure that tally includes the incident when Darren Bent gave it back to Carroll from a drop ball. And anytime you're relying on chivalry to pad out your stats, then you've been mullered.

Zamora scored twice from 3 shots on goal, although I'd scarcely characterise his second goal as a bona fide shot. Still, I'm not complaining.

7. I Suppose He Does Traore

It amazes me that professional footballers still stand in front of quick free kicks. Then again, it amazes me that Djimi Traore is still a professional footballer. The next time you think your career is going well just remember that Djimi Traore has a Champions League winners medal. It's important to stay grounded folks.

8. The Referee

There was quite a bit of grumbling about Howard Webb inside the ground. I personally thought he was fairly consistent. He got the first decision of the match wrong and pretty much everything else thereafter. Gabbidon should certainly have been booked and quite possibly sent off for his handball, whilst two perfectly good goals were ruled out for Harewood and Darren Bent. On the England Managers Scale of Rubbishness I'd grade his performance as Erikssonian.

9. The Opposition

It's quite hard to judge a team when they play in a game officiated by plankton. Charlton look quite good up front and below average everywhere else. Andy Reid weighs approximately 24 stone and has all the pace of parliamentary reform but he does have the skill set of a Premiership footballer I suppose, and should help. Unlike Talal El-Karkouri who has the skill set of a film extra.

In honour of Iain Dowie and his legendary "bouncebackability" statement I have decided to create my own phrase - "hasnoability" (see "Dawson, Michael (n)")

10. Farewell

Just wanted to say a quick goodbye to Eidur Gudjohnsen, the only man at Chelski with both an English accent and a passing familiarity with sentence construction. One thing I shall not miss is his goal celebration which annoyed the life out of me. For that very same reason I hate it when Malcolm Christie scores, which is akin to saying you hate it when asteroids land on your roof so I won't meditate on it too long.


.......Aston Villa got a draw at Arsenal which constitutes a victory for Martin O'Neill over all known forces in the Universe........Bolton beat tottenham, with Kevin Davies scoring. This must be like being bitten by a non-venomous snake - I guess it won't kill you but I bet it makes you cry.....Newcastle beat Wigan. Kieron Dyer missed his 147th successive game with injury. At this point I'll just assume he's in a coma........Sheffield United drew with Liverpool. No reports yet as to whether Paddy Kenny ate anyone......Portsmouth beat Blackburn to go top of the league, which is a sentence I never thought I'd type whilst we were still using fossil fuels...........Reading beat Boro. I'd consider that a victory for the Red-Headed League.......Everton got a streaky win over Watford. Interestingly Andy Johnson didn't take their penalty. If he's not going to take them then he won't benefit from his diving this year and Mikel Arteta could win the Golden Boot.Seriously.......Man United beat Fulham 5-1 which I'd treat as a fantastic result if I were a Fulham fan.......Chelski beat Man City and Francis Lampard scored with a deflected shot. I suspect the sun might rise tomorrow.....

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

As mentioned above Kevin Davies scored against tottenham this weekend. Last season he scored 7 times in 37 games, which is y'know, crap. Anyhow Michael Dawson and the tottenham defence let him score against them this weekend. The only sensible conclusion to be drawn from this is that Michael Dawson is a large, flat piece of wood.

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