West Ham 1 - 0 Sheffield United (And Other Ramblings)

1. How Do You Say Refund In Icelandic?

Does anyone know if there is any truth in the rumour that Eggert Magnusson was seen after this game outside shouting at Terence Brown in the car park "I thought you said they were professional?"

2. Our New Youth Policy

I'm all for indoctrinating young kids into the West Ham way, but the petrified look on Magnusson's 2 year old grandson's face was enough to make even the most hard hearted Hammer feel for the lad.

In fairness to him though I felt he displayed better movement in his brief stint on the pitch than Matthew Etherington did all day.

3. The Battle Of Nicknames

This game did exhibit two of the more manly nicknames in British football - "The Hammers" versus "The Blades". Both of which possess slightly more testosterone than "The Shrimpers", which is what our near neighbours Southend United go by.

Of course all three simply do not compare to the South African team who are actually named "Dangerous Darkies". And you can Google that if you think I'm making it up.

4. I'll Never Get That Two Hours Back

This game was atrocious. Sheffield United came and played solely for a 0-0 draw whilst we are so lacking in creativity that our goalkeeper actually advanced further up the left flank in the first half on Saturday than our left winger.

There are ways innumerable that I could have better spent my Saturday afternoon:

Painting the inside of my airing cupboard, having a root canal, alphabetising my school reports, learning French etc....

By the way, I hope you all appreciate the deliciousness of beating Sheffield United by virtue of a well worked corner routine.

5. The Statistics

We had 56% possession, that we converted to 7 shots on target. All well and good, but few who were there could deny that this was a poor performance overall. Especially given that the opposition were not exactly "ept".

6. The Opposition

I suppose I've touched on it above but I don't really class Sheffield United as actual Premiership opposition. Teams like this are the footballing equivalent of a romantic comedy. One comes along every year and you go to see it because you are forced to, you despise it because it's the same old turgid crap as always and it will simply disappear into the abyss to be replaced by another one exactly the same next year.

7. The Referee

Mike Riley simply looks hapless. He gets a lot of decisions wrong and appears to have absolutely no muscles in the lower half of his body.

That said, I thought that it was a clear foul by Derek Geary on Robert Green and thus his last minute blowing up to disallow a goal for Sheffield United was correct.

8. Carlos On The Way?

Much has been made of Carlos Tevez storming out of Upton Park following his substitution. In truth, I thought he looked devoid of match fitness and although he showed flashes of inspiration we seemed to be crying out for a more physical presence up front.

I probably would have replaced him with Harewood rather then Sheringham but the principle seems to have been the same. Indeed, Pardew himself suggested that he wanted more height on the pitch to defend set pieces.

Much will depend now on how Tevez reacts to his inevitable fine. Presumably, if he is suitably contrite Pardew will forgive him and play him at Everton next week. If not then we've probably seen the end of him.

I say give him a break - he's 22 and he doesn't speak much English. Sort of like Lee Bowyer but with potential. Class strikers are hard to come by and he is obviously frustrated by his inability to score. Once the first goal arrives I think we'll see the best of Tevez - I just hope that it's not at Valencia or Barcelona that it happens.

9. So Long, Colin

Neil Warnock will be a loss to the Premiership in terms of his quoteability, but for the odious nature of his team it won't be tough to wave him goodbye.

It was instructive to see Paddy Kenny timewasting from the very first dead ball of the day. You reap what you sow Colin.

And while we're talking of young Paddy....

10. Special Guest Appearance : Token Paddy Kenny Slaughtering

Following his little contre-temps last week, Neil Warnock has banned Paddy from going to curry shops in Halifax.

And judging from the state of him that might leave Paddy with a fair bit of spare time....