From The Ritz To The Rubble
Eons ago I thought to myself that it might be quite fun to write a weekly column about West Ham. Here was a chance to mock the rest of the Premier League, wage a ridiculous hate campaign against Michael Dawson and watch us meander to 11th in the table whilst filing away the general concept of Nigel Quashie in the drawer marked "Insane".
Bet you all want my hot tip for the Grand National now.
A couple of Alan's and a biscuit magnate later we're rooted to the bottom of the league staring longingly up at Watford. Which is one hell of a fall from grace.
Anyway, my original plan was to try and focus on some of the statistical points of interest throughout the season. With that in mind I thought I'd write this interim column whilst we await the infernal torture that will be our next fixture.
Some interesting numbers for you, they relate to the Premiership only:
21 - total number of goals scored by West Ham this season
28 - combined number of goals scored by Didier Drogba and Francis Lampard this season
4 - total away goals scored by West Ham all season
4 - total goals scored by Reading in their last 3 away games
8 - goals scored by Gareth Barry
7 - combined goals scored by Marlon Harewood, Carlton Cole, Kepa, Carlos Tevez and Teddy Sheringham
50 - goals conceded by West Ham this year
38 - combined goals conceded by Man United and Chelsea this year
(So in short we score too few and concede too many. Quite the detective am I)
125 - number of days between Bobby Zamora's 5th and 6th goals of the season
2 - number of seconds it took Bobby Zamora to cup his ear to the crowd after scoring that goal
34,696 - West Ham's average attendance this season
34,844 - Chelsea's average Champions League home attendance for games against anyone other than Barcelona (they are a massive club though - Peter Kenyon says so)
1 - the number of times West Ham have won back to back games this season
0 - the number of times Man Utd have lost back to back games this season
11 - away games without scoring for West Ham this year
1 - away games without scoring for Man Utd this year (at West Ham, naturally)
4 - clean sheets kept by West Ham this season
8 - clean sheets kept by defensive titans Charlton this season
6 - points gained by Alan Curbishley for West Ham
12 - points gained by Alan Pardew for Charlton
c£30m - profit made by Terence Brown from the sale of West Ham
£0 - initial investment made by Terence Brown in West Ham (he was loaned the money by the Cearns family in exchange for getting abused by the fans in their place)
40 - minutes played by Matthew Upson since joining West Ham
£150,000 - cost per minute of that contribution (based on a £6m transfer fee)
It's tough to see why we're going down isn't it........