Overly long writings about West Ham United FC. This is the kind of thing you might like, if you like this kind of thing.

Friday, May 18, 2007

The H List : End Of Year Player Ratings (And Other Ramblings)

And so before The H List flutters off into the sunset to ponder the feasibility of signing Carlos Tevez, whether "Canada's Next Top Model" can ever be as good as "America's Next Top Model" and resolving the Iraq issue, I firstly present to you the end of season player ratings and awards. Not content with issuing my own faint praise I have collated the votes of literally seven's of loyal readers and added these in too. So, without further ado:


Robert Green: Games: 26

It's really saying something when you leave Norwich and the defence in front of you gets worse. Sadly for Green he chose to join us in the year that our back four decided to not so much pour fuel on the defensive fire as wander round equipped with flame throwers.

It's hard to judge a keeper in such circumstances and there is certainly no doubt that Green himself was inconsistent for parts of the year. Crucially, when the need arose he was up to the challenge and performed brilliantly at the end of the season, including a miraculous one man show at the Emirates.

Has the added bonus of being Not Roy Carroll.

Mark: 7/10

Best Performance: Arsenal (a)

Roy Carroll: Games: 12 - Bookings: 2

It's always pleasing when your goalkeeper picks up more bookings than three of your centre backs despite spending more time in The Priory than in your goal. Didn't manage a Premier League clean sheet all year and by the end he was pretty much forgotten as Green reminded us all of what a top class goalkeeper could do when sober.

Carroll's season reached a shocking nadir when he was pictured in the london paper at a poker tournament, looking significantly older than companion Teddy Sheringham.

Mark: 3/10

Best Performance: Watford (a)


James Collins: Games: 16 - Bookings: 4

A season of significant progress for Collins as he saw off the challenges from the multitude of centre backs now at the club, and played an instrumental part in the end of season miracle. Physical strength and bravery make up for a lack of pace and some weird positional play, although he has a tendency to be exposed by top class strikers. Not that the latter proliferate in the Premier League.

And by the way, I don't think it would be unfair for at least one of our ten trillion defenders to score a bloody goal now and again.

Collins will start next season in possession of the jersey but may find himself out of favour as more illustrious companions return. Given the history of our medical department, he shouldn't worry too much - he will get another chance.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Man Utd (a)

Christian Dailly: Games: 10 (4) - Bookings: 1

Ah, Christian - the love of my life. Or so the song goes. In fact he did rather well this year considering that he's not really very good at football. A man for inclement weather and horrible games, and sadly we had plenty of both this year. Doubtless he will move on next year and he should leave as a valued servant, and hopefully with a plan to write an autobiography as I'd definitely buy it. Imagine the things he's seen.

Tellingly he managed to play in just one League victory all year, and in just one minute of the game at that.

Never was a man less suited to wearing the number 7 shirt.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Man City (h)

Calum Davenport: Games: 5 (1) - Bookings: 1

Signed in January, possibly accidentally, as Curbishley tried to increase his squad size to match that of the US Army in Iraq. Unfeasibly tall and thin, but with the accompanying aerial strength to match. A Herculean debut at Newcastle was followed by some indifferent form and, naturally, an injury.

Another who didn't play in a victory all year. This in itself doesn't make him useless, it simply makes him a West Ham January signing.

I don't see where he will fit in next year and may not survive the summer cull. I assume we are having a cull aren't we? I mean, sweet Jesus, our laundry bill alone must be equal to the GDP of Gambia.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Newcastle (a)

Anton Ferdinand: Games: 31 - Bookings: 5

Yes, there are a couple of things to cover here.

Possibly the stupidest man in the known Universe. Thinking that his ABH charge was unlikely to win him enough respect with whomever it is that cares about things like this, he was also caught skipping training to jet off to Carolina for a drink, and subsequently had a ruck at Time and Envy thereafter. I have not the words.

(And why in the name of Batman or Robin would you go to Time and Envy after your trip to Faces ended up in a Crown Court trial? Hey Anton! Get both your brain cells and rub them together, see if you can start us a fire in here will you?)

Probably would be sold if it weren't for the fact that the possibility of incarceration can tend to reduce a transfer fee somewhat. A shame as he is an excellent player when he puts his mind to it. Which is not something I ever want to be relying on.

Not sure if I ever mentioned it but he also allowed Jon Fucking Stead to score against him.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Wigan (a)

Daniel Gabbidon: Games: 18 - Bookings: 1

Oft injured and seemingly sorely missed when absent. Which is ironic as he was woeful when he was fit. It probably didn't help that our medical team appear to have tried to treat his injuries using voodoo.

For the period when his groin was intact he looked diffident and hesitant, and failed spectacularly to recapture his form of a year ago. Quite possibly put off by the fact that he allowed Georgios Samaras to score twice against him in September. Yes, that's Samaras who scored 4 League goals all year. Not to mention that it's the same Man City side who scored 10 Home League goals all year.

I'm just off to headbutt the nearest iron pole.

Mark: 5/10

Best Performance: Arsenal (h)

Paul Konchesky: Games: 22 - Bookings: 7 - Sendings Off: 1

Painful. The decline that was so evident at the end of last year simply worsened before Curbishley arrived and promptly fell out with Konchesky again. Displaced by George McCartney, quite possibly as a result of not making a single accurate pass in the entire first half of the season.

Last seen not hacking down Jermain Defoe when needs really did must in the last minute against tottenham.

Mark: 4/10

Best Performance: Aston Villa (h)

George McCartney: Games: 16 (6) - Bookings: 4

The biggest surprise of the season, apart from the chilling moment when I realised Luis Boa Morte was on the pitch at Wigan. Young George proved to be far more consistent than anyone who learnt his trade at Sunderland has a right to be.

His late season form coincided with our defence not looking drunk for the last ten games of the year, and I have actually elevated him to the title of The H List Player Of The Year.

Explanation and inevitable backlash below.

Mark: 8/10

Best Performance: Wigan (a)

Tyrone Mears: Games: 3 (2) - Bookings: 1

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain." Oh and by the way, I also once saw Tyrone Mears appear in a Play Off Semi Final with "Tye" on the back of his shirt. Azkaban beckons.

Utterly, utterly pointless.

Mark : 3/10

Best Performance: Are you having a laugh?

Lucas Neill: Games: 11 - Bookings: 2

Not particularly fast, nor particularly technical but he is particularly Antipodean and therefore manages to get past all of these things and still be brilliant. I love him.

My favourite Australian. Not hard, admittedly, but the fact that he doesn't possess an indecipherable googly helps a great deal. (That's a cricket reference for all you American readers - I haven't started using a foreign language. Obmistop partakgfh)

Joined in a blaze of publicity, mostly around the fact that his wage packet was roughly equivalent to NASA's budget, and got injured within twenty minutes or so. As is tradition. Returned fit and well to lead us to safety and should take over the captaincy next year.

Also lead the team in assists according to the Actim statistics, which says absolutely nothing about the quality of our creative players.

Mark: 12/10

Best Performance: Arsenal (a)

John Paintsil: Games: 3 (2) - Bookings: 1

As a concept, John Paintsil was passable. A member of the really rather excellent Ghana team at the World Cup, his early season showings inspired some optimism, before he began to display all the spatial awareness of a coat hanger.

With hindsight, his signing was pretty strong evidence that Pardew had begun to lose whatever plot he was following at the time. Reached a season low by being out paced by Edgar Davids. Edgar Davids, I ask you? There are tectonic plates that shift faster.

Mark: 4/10

Best Performance: Liverpool (a)

Jonathan Spector: Games: 17 (8) - Bookings: 5

A grower. The footballing equivalent of REM. He's probably not immediately obvious in his usefulness, but eventually you begin to see some good things in there.

I'm not trying to pretend that he's especially talented or even the best of our regiment of right backs, but he's committed and doesn't appear all that intent on taking up drinking as a method of training, which sets him a apart from quite a few of our squad.

Has a tendency to unveil one horrific tackle per match. So long as he keeps aiming at the likes of Robin van Persie, I can live with it.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Arsenal (h)

Matthew Upson: Games: 2

What do you mean, who?

Seems a likeable enough bloke, if only for the fact that he told Steve Bruce where to go when he publicly questioned his loyalty. Yes folks, that was Steve Bruce with the shameless lack of self awareness.

Managed a whole 11 minutes against tottenham during which time he didn't appear to be committing tax fraud. Other than that I am simply not able to comment.

Will either go on to be a very solid signing for us, or will go down as the biggest waste of money in our history. Which is really saying something.

Mark: Can someone get a mark after only 41 minutes? Oh alright then, 5/10.

Best Performance: Aston Villa (a) (A whopping 30 minute period of Not Getting Injured, followed by a whole lot of Getting Injured)


Yossi Benayoun: Games: 25 (4) - Bookings: 4 - Goals: 3

Did a passable impression of a complete tool for most of the season. Innocuous and apparently unimpressed at the notion of having to fight for his place. So much so that at any given opportunity he cried off injured, whilst miraculously being fit for Israel's European Qualifiers.

When fit and motivated, however, he remains our sole source of creativity not ensconced in a Wigan baiting Carlos Tevez sized body. His 2 goal bravura performance against Fulham was a thing to behold and his form in the run in was crucial to our success/staying up (I'm not sure that the latter can ever be the former).

Scored a goal against Wigan that was so good I spontaneously combusted.

Has apparently been persuaded to stay with a(nother) ridiculous wage hike. Because the first one produced such a positive response.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Fulham (h)

Luis Boa Morte: Games: 8 (6) - Bookings: 1 - Goals: 1

I'm not sure if any of you have ever picked up on this but I don't really rate Luis Boa Morte. Shocking I know, but I tend to view him as essentially being cellular waste. You probably didn't notice the subtle nuances in the writing.

Signed for £5.5m and immediately fell over. Probably. I can't deny that I have seen him play well, just never for us. Indeed his performance against Chelsea is probably the worst I have ever seen from a West Ham player. The sort of thing to make you question why exactly it is that we should Just Be Saying No to drugs?

Redeemed himself with a goal at Wigan but highlighted both the Arsenal and Man Utd away victories by missing glorious chances that my 18 month old daughter could have done better with.

Portuguese - so really should be a much better diver.

Mark: 4/10

Best Performance: Bolton (h)

Lee Bowyer: Games: 18 (2) - Bookings: 5

Started brightly, flickered, disappeared for a bit, returned again, looked alright but not that good and then disappeared into the Great Abyss where Curbishley keeps all our under performing midfielders in a giant locker.

Sacrificed, quite possibly literally, after the 3-0 debacle at Sheffield United and has not been seen since. Still hasn't scored for us, which is officially impossible when you consider that our third top scorer this year was Hayden Mullins.

Another to have fallen out with Curbishley, which seems to be some sort of initiation ceremony.

Mark: 5/10

Best Performance: Charlton (h)

Matthew Etherington: Games: 24 (3) - Bookings: 2

Another of the must do better club. Or often in Etherington's case - Must Do Something, Anything, You Lazy Coward.

Had his moments, for sure, notably shrugging of Mathieu Flamini to create our last minute winner against Arsenal. (Note that shrugging off Flamini requires not so much skill as not expiring in the process).

Has indicated that he fancies a move and I doubt anyone will be barring the door. Has struggled with gambling problems, which also appears to be some sort of initiation rite at West Ham.

Mark: 4/10

Best Performance: Arsenal (a)

Javier Mascherano: Games: 3 (2) - Bookings: 1

You might have heard about this. The Argentine World Cup star who joined West Ham and couldn't displace Hayden Mullins or Nigel Quashie, so instead moved on to Liverpool where he displaced Xabi Alonso and will now play in the Champions League final.

Nigel Quashie?! Surely you jest? There are mollusc's who could displace Nigel Quashie from the West Ham team.

Anyway, this was an almost incredible waste of talent, and one of the many reasons why I don't quite buy into the Curbishley for Mayor campaign. I say almost, as this is West Ham and it seems somewhat inevitable that signing a player of this quality would lead to heartache. As opposed to Athens, where it has led Liverpool.

Never played in a game where we either scored or won any points. I kid you not. Can now consider himself as a true West Ham fan at least.

Mark: 4/10

Best Performance: Palermo (h)

Hayden Mullins: Games: 21 (9) - Bookings: 4 - Goals: 2

My Player of the Year at the half way stage, but I think the accolade went to his head as he busied himself playing like a drain for quite a while after. Saw off the challenge of Mascherano only to be unfairly dropped, however, for Nigel Quashie (as is anybody who is dropped for Nigel Quashie) and was reduced to the role of late defensive substitute towards the end. This is the equivalent of repelling the Roman Empire and subsequently being invaded by Andorra.

Will always be remembered for allowing Linvoy Primus (3 career goals at the time) to score twice against him on Boxing Day. This is theoretically possible under the Laws of the Association Football, but completely impossible under the Laws of Nature.

Conceivably on his way in the summer, which is a shame. Could still be a valuable squad member, and if nothing else, I find his hair fascinating.

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Blackburn (h)

Shaun Newton: Games: 0 (3)

The appendix of the squad. Should have been removed even if he wasn't doing anything.

Returned from a drugs ban straight back into the squad. All while Mascherano and Noble played Top Trumps on the sidelines. Curbishley strikes again.

Now at Leicester and could be mauled by a Triceratops whilst taking his kestrel for a stroll, for all I care.

Mark: 0/10

Best Performance: Leaving

Mark Noble: Games: 10 - Bookings: 1 - Goals: 2

If nothing else, Noble single handedly increased the high five frequency in the team from "Occasional" to "After Every Bloody Tackle". I'll admit that I was expecting to see a "Down Below - You're Too Slow" before too long.

Elsewhere his psychotic desire to succeed has endeared him to a fan base deprived of passion for much of the year. Curbishley may have fallen arse backwards into it, but he did happen upon a very solid midfield pairing in Noble and Reo-Coker.

Has a chance to cement a place next year as his erstwhile partner is likely on his way. Will have to work hard as there is no question that we are looking for substantial upgrades in midfield. Maybe a Javier Mascherano type, but that's just wishful thinking.

Mark: 8/10

Best Performance: Arsenal (a)

Nigel Quashie: Games: 7 - Bookings: 2

We beat it! The curse of Quashie was no match for us! A mere four relegations into his career and the Jonah finally survives the drop. Quite possibly as a direct result of his not being anywhere near the team.

As near to a pointless signing as is possible in this day and age. We might as well have signed Joan Rivers for all the good it did us.

Nigelled our midfield up to the max though. His last appearance was against tottenham, when he limped off to leave us with a midfield of Tevez: Noble : Bowyer : Harewood. It's tough to see how we let in two goals in a minute to end that game.

Mark: 3/10

Best Performance: Newcastle (a)

Nigel Reo-Coker: Games: 35 - Bookings: 13 (Thirteen) - Goals: 1

Ah Nigel. We're always making plans for you. A lot of them involved execution, and certainly I'd like to see your agent be sellotaped naked to the Millenium Eye and covered in bird seed. A shocking start and middle to the season, combined with an awful lot of negative publicity.

Nevertheless he came good when we needed him and gave some Titanic displays at the end of the year. That's Titanic in the sense of "being like a Titan" as opposed to starting off well and sinking badly, killing loads of people with Billy Zane running around all over the place.

Seems likely to join tottenham as their supply of average central midfielders is perilously close to dropping below 20. Any deal should start with the phrase "Give us Tom Huddlestone then" and end with "I don't care how good Jermaine Jenas is at karaoke, it's Huddlestone or nothing. And you weren't poisoned you dumbass".

I actually don't want to see Reo-Coker disappear as I still think there is a decent player in there somewhere and I'm sick of seeing our young players blossom elsewhere (or regress to an amoebic like state in the case of Jermain Defoe).

Mark: 6/10

Best Performance: Wigan (a)


Carlton Cole: Games: 5 (12) - Bookings: 2 - Goals: 2

Carlton Cole started only 5 games all year? Christ, it was a long season.

I don't know what we were expecting out of a man who failed at Villa and Charlton, two teams where the sole criteria for being a success is to not keel over in your medical.

Flitted in and out of the squad all year as one Alan or another was enticed by the physicality and potential, only to be immediately put off by the lack of effort and solitary brain cell.

Scored within 12 seconds of coming on. Should have retired there and then.

Mark: 5/10

Best Performance: Newcastle (a)

Marlon Harewood: Games: 19 (13) - Bookings: 5 - Goals: 3

Oh brother where art thou? An abysmal, Ashton Kutcher type season for big Marlon. With the rest of the Premiership having figured him out - he's big, he's fast, he has the cranial capacity of an Aero bar - poor Marlon looked lost all year.

Briefly flickered at Newcastle as he turned Peter Ramage inside out for 20 minutes, but alas I can't give him too much kudos for this as there are washer women in Liberia who could do that.

All the signs are that he will move on, which is a shame as I still have some faith that he could do a job for us. Sadly, that job might well be stewarding at this point. It is a good thing in one respect though, as it will likely add about 5 years to my father's life expectancy.

Mark: 3/10

Best Performance: Newcastle (a)

Kepa: Games: 1 (7) - Goals: 1

Balder than one might expect for a 23 year old, and miles better in the air than one might expect for a West Ham centre forward. Hence he won't be a West Ham centre forward for much longer.

Did well on debut and quickly regressed to the mean as we dragged him down to our level. Truthfully he isn't built for a Premiership relegation battle and his main contribution to the cause might have been inspiring Bobby Zamora to hitherto unseen levels of performance.

Saw him outside the ground once, had a flash car and a very attractive girlfriend. Imagine my surprise.

Mark: 5/10

Best Performance: Liverpool (h)

Teddy Sheringham: Games: 4 (13) - Bookings: 3 - Goals: 2

The season started well enough as he bagged Miss UK, Danielle Lloyd, possibly as he was the only judge who voted for her. On the pitch it can't be argued that he did okay, despite being old enough to worry about his State Pension.

Disappeared from the scene as his girlfriend started burning crosses on Big Brother, and he began to concentrate more on his burgoening poker career.

Apparently got very upset when we denied him a move to Charlton in the transfer window, which makes me think he didn't quite understand that he would have had to have gone and played for them.

Mark: 6/10

Best Peformance: Blackburn (h)

Pope Carlos Tevez I: Games: 19 (7) - Bookings: 4 - Goals: 7

What is left to say about the little man? How about - he's rubbish! He needs to work on his technique! He's a poor man's Malcolm Christie!

I could say all of these things of course, but it wouldn't make them true. It would just make me an idiot, and therefore ideally placed to write about football for a broadsheet newspaper.

Amidst all the hullabaloo has been missed the fact that mere months ago, Tevez was apparently the root of all our problems. 7 goals later and he is The Messiah. The truth probably lies somewhere in between - neither he or Mascherano should ever have been blamed for the varying incompetencies of the Alan's, whilst it does need to pointed out that it took him 19 games to score.

There was no lack of effort or quality, but things simply didn't seem to run his way. Once the all important first goal went in against tottenham, he was off and so were we, culminating in an identikit 1-0 win at Old Trafford and a severe outbreak of Idiot all over North West England.

The tottenham game remains the greatest goal celebration ever at West Ham.

Mark: 8/10

Best Performance: tottenham (h)

Bobby Zamora: Games: 27 (5) - Bookings: 3 - Sendings Off: 1 - Goals: 11

From a series of displays so bad that dogs in surrounding streets were simply laying down and dying, to a series of displays so good that priests were convinced the Second Coming was imminent. Quite the turnaround from Bobby.

With goals hard to come by, and a seemingly revolving door next to Tevez it badly needed someone to grab the mantle and lead the line. A goal that never crossed the line (my favourite type) at Blackburn, and some sumptuous strikes against Everton and Arsenal. Finished as our leading goalscorer and decidedly not killing dogs with his first touch.

Either the start of a long run in the side or a brief flirtation with greatness, preceding a reversion to mediocrity next year. Either way - cheers Bobby.

Mark: 7/10

Best Performance: Everton (h)

The H List End Of Season Awards

(Least Worst) Player Of The Year

The H List: George McCartney (Also receiving consideration: Tevez, Zamora, Noble)

The H List Readers: Carlos Tevez (Also receiving votes: Green)

Perhaps not surprising. You probably think I'm just being difficult and you might be right, but I have taken the term "Of The Year" literally. I'm not trying to argue that McCartney is a better player than Tevez (I am difficult, not insane), but I am arguing that he has been our most consistent player of the year. I'm not sure I can truly say that a centre forward who went 19 games without a goal has been our best performer over the course of a season.

We wouldn't have stayed up without Tevez, clearly, but we wouldn't have done it without our defence either. No doubt you'll all mock me. I am strong, I will survive (and I'm going on holiday to San Diego next week anyway so I'll get over it).

Performance Of The Year (Team)

The H List: Man United (a) (Also receiving consideration: Wigan (a), Arsenal (a), Man Utd (h))

The H List Readers: Wigan (a) (Also receiving votes: Man Utd (a), tottenham (h), Man Utd (h))

Like a paternal teacher, I admire you callow youths. You're young, I doubt you've ever seen us score 3 times away from home so I don't blame you for getting carried away. But listen.

Old Trafford, last game of the season, you have to win to stay in the Premiership. And you do. I don't want to hear any garbage about weakened teams either. They started with 11 internationals, even if one of them was Wes Brown, who is an "International" in the sense that he has a nationality.

Best Perfomance (Individual)

The H List: Robert Green (Arsenal - A) (Also receiving consideration - Tevez, tottenham - H)

The H List Readers: Robert Green (Arsenal - A) (Also receiving votes: None)

About as close as a "Name Your Favourite Person Called Jesus" competition. The only clean sweep as every voter went for Green. Nothing to see here, move along, West Ham keeper does impression of large brick wall.

Best Goal

The H List: Zamora (Everton - H) (Also receiving consideration: Benayoun (Wigan - A), Benayoun (Fulham - H), Tevez (Man Utd - A))

The H List Readers: Zamora (Everton - H) (Also receving votes: Tevez (tottenham - H), Noble (Bolton - H), Tevez (Chelsea - H), Benayoun (Wigan - A))

For a long time it looked rather like we wouldn't score a decent goal all year. One dodgy goal at Blackburn later and off we went. Every week seemingly produced a gem, with Zamora's belter against Everton winning the popular vote. I did consider choosing Boa Morte against Wigan as it seems churlish not to pick an act of God.

Worst Player

The H List: Marlon Harewood (Also receving consideration: Tyrone Mears, Roy Carroll)

The H List Readers: Marlon Harewood (Also receiving votes: Pretty much all of 'em)

Cheer up Marlon, I doubt you'll appear anywhere on this list again.

Worst Team Performance

The H List: Man City (h) (Also receiving consideration: Charlton (a), Wigan (h), Sheff Utd (a))

The H List Readers: Charlton (a) (Also receving votes: Reading (a), Wigan (h), Bolton (a))

Fair enough, I can't argue with the choice of Charlton, but the capitulation at home to a truly, madly, deeply appalling Man City team simply broke my spirit, topped off nicely by watching a man named DaMarcus waltzing through our back 4 to score the winner.

Depressingly, we could have chosen essentially any away game prior to March.

Worst Individual Perfomance

The H List: Luis Boa Morte (Chelsea - H)

The H List Readers: Marlon Harewood (Watford - H)

And Marlon says "Bugger"

Best Opposition

The H List: Chelsea (Also receiving consideration: Palermo, Reading)

The H List Readers: Chelsea (Also receiving votes: Palermo, Reading, Chesterfield, Watford)

Clearly not for entertainment purposes but rather a grudging admiration for efficient football. Rather like the Galactic Empire. Sure they were evil, genocidal maniacs but you can't deny that they all had the right uniforms, and I'll bet they had an impressive dental plan.

Best Opposition Player

The H List: Dimitar Berbatov (tottenham) (Also receiving consideration: Sidwell (Reading), Huddlestone (tottenham), Essien (Chelsea))

The H List Readers: Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd) (Also receiving votes: Essien (Chelsea), Berbatov (tottenham), Drogba (Chelsea), Scholes (Man Utd))

Considering that we allowed someone of the dubious quality of Mido to score against us this year you'd have to assume that it can't be that hard to look good against us. Even so, Berbatov looked great, probably accentuated by the cesspit of rubbish around him, and Ronaldo was great all year. Except against us, I would say, but what do I know.

Someone did vote for Michael Dawson. Michael Dawson, presumably.

Best Opposition Goal

The H List: Daniel Agger (Liverpool) (Also receiving consideration: Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Tainio (tottenham), Cotterill (Wigan)

The H List Readers: Shaun Wright-Phillips (Chelsea) (Also receiving votes: Agger (Liverpool), Tonge (Sheff Utd), Crouch (Liverpool)

You say potato, I say spud. Given the varying states of disarray that our defence was found in throughout the season before April, I'd say you'd have to have been paraplegic, or Craig Bellamy, not to have scored a blinding goal against us.

Both winners are notable as they feature nothing even closely resembling professional defending.

Worst Opposition

The H List: Middlesborough (Also receiving consideration: Nobody)

The H List Readers: Middlesborough (Also receiving votes: Wigan, Man Utd (!))

Yes! Yes! Boro! Boro! A million times Boro!

Perennial winners of this award. I know what you're thinking - "This is the frst year, what are you talking about?". Well, yes, that may be true, but I reckon they'll win again next year.

Truly, truly, truly, honestly rubbish. Truly.

The Michael Dawson Worst Opposition Player Award

The H List: Michael Dawson! (tottenham) (Also receiving consideration: Don't be silly)

The H List Readers: Frank Lampard (Chelsea) (Also receiving votes: John Terry (Chelsea), Christian Nade (Sheff Utd), Paddy Kenny (Sheff Utd), Peter Ramage (Newcastle), Jon Fucking Stead (Sheff Utd), James Beattie (Everton)

Some awards simply don't require explanation.

And Lastly

And thus ends the first year of The H List. A genuine thank you from me for reading, and an even more genuine thank you to any lawyers reading for not suing. I will update sporadically over the summer so please check back occasionally and keep spreading the word to anyone whom you think might be interested in the site.

Any and all feedback would be appreciated, The H List averages around 85 hits a day, which isn't much compared to some other web sites I can think of, but it's not bad for the inane ramblings of a pessimist.

And just because I am your most favouritest West Ham writer in the Universe:



  1. Well done Mr Shark on actually making me snort various substances out of my nose with laughter throughout the year.

    There should be an Hlist gag of the year, in which case my vote is for the Zamora/dog jobby. Great stuff.

  2. Dot Cotton12:58 PM

    Your marks were all over the shop and I was rather disappointed Kyel Reid didn't get a write up for his contribution over the course of the season, which I would like to add was more significant than 50% of our squad who did play. Jimmy Walker also deserved a mention, if only for the penalty save he made against Lampard 3 years ago!

    A great site, does what it says on the tin. I have now deleted all others from my favourites(including West Ham til I die) which is just inane dribblings from some bloke who I think likes West Ham and gets to the occassional game), a bit like yourself.......

    He may remove the link to your site after my comments.

  3. Anonymous6:31 PM

    Well done Hammerhead Shark. Enjoyed reading your blog this season. Looking forward to next season.

    From members of the Shark Clan.

  4. Overseas Iron7:10 PM


    The most useful site on t'internet for all travelling Hammers fans - and not too shabby once I returned home either.

    Worth the entrance fee alone (which I'd refuse to pay were it to be introduced) for the phrase: 'Nigelled up our midfield to the max'.

  5. Uncle Albert1:36 PM

    Keep it up Head Hammer.

    Perhaps some off-season speculation on our forthcoming signings, including Michael Dawson, would be appropriate.

    By the way, I haven't seen the preview or review from the Andy Woodman testimonial game yet. Is it a problem with my browser?

  6. Quick review for you then Uncle Albert.

    We won 4-1 and Kepa scored twice.

    Can you imagine his glee at finding out he was playing in that game? Oh to be a fly on the wall.

    Bowyer gave away the penalty from which Woodman scored. Get rid, I say.

    If Michael Dawson signs for us, I will implode.

  7. Anonymous11:52 AM

    Mr. Shark

    Your blog is one of the most entertaining around. Looking forward to next season already.

    From the land of the Egg


  8. Uncle Albert2:18 PM

    I called the Bowyer penalty deacle about 2 minutes before it happened, once I saw the sub keeper warming up.

    By the way, the sub keeper was called "Mann" I think, and had a silver/grey shirt on. 20 minutes after he came on, I was chatting to my mate next to me, turned back to the pitch, and there was a different chap in an orange top in goal.

    Did I miss an alien abduction?

  9. Uncle Albert2:19 PM


    What's a deacle?

    A debacle, surely!

  10. In reverse order then:

    Deacle equals expensive treacle

    Goalkeeping mystery - CLEARLY we need to sue Northampton.

    Andri - many thanks. Keep buying Eggy's biscuits.

  11. Ribery next to Real Madrid, not a rumour. Regards

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