I'm pretty sure that you have all forgotten what an update to The H List looks like, but I would hope that you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me.
I have been spending some time on the beautiful Amalfi Coast in Italy, amidst the bougainvillea and the citrus groves, eating my body weight in pasta and sampling some rather nice local beers. It must be said that it was lovely to spend time with people whose lives are unfettered by concerns over such trivialities as Lucas Neill's questionable positioning, our lack of midfield flair or traffic laws.
If I was thoroughly committed to the cause I would review our final four games of the season in some depth. Of course, the soporific nature of these games means that going into any kind of depth will automatically lead to widespread yawning.
In short, we managed a scarcely merited 2-1 home victory over Derby, that was so convincing the team was roundly booed from the pitch. Not the least remarkable element of this performance was that we somehow contrived to allow Tyrone Mears to score against us. Yes folks, that's T.Y.R.O.N.E/M.E.A.R.S.
After that triumph of the soul, we moved on to another home match with Kevin Keegan's revitalised Newcastle. And by 'revitalised' I of course mean "not quite as shit as usual". We surged into a 2 goal lead, with a pair of unusually good strikes from Noble and Ashton. Needless to say, the lead was squandered within twenty minutes as we conceded goals to those two titans of the modern game - Obafemi Martins and Geremi.
It should probably tell you all you need to know that the most significant action of the day was the Upton Park return of Paolo di Canio, who was roundly cheered and did not offer up a single fascist salute. Hurrah all round.
Thereafter came our plucky little trip to Manchester United where we once again proved ourselves to be indomitable in the face of a superior foe. With a whole twenty five minutes on the clock we had conceded 3 goals and packed it in for the afternoon. There was briefly time for Dean Ashton to continue his recent great run with another fine goal, before Nani had a brain aneurysm and headbutted Lucas Neill. We responded so well to having the extra man that we thereafter conceded another goal and never threatened to look competent again.
Our final game of the year saw the visit of Aston Villa who played us off the pitch and still left town with just a point, courtesy in the latest of a succession of cracking Ashton strikes. The game could potentially be described as exciting in the context of the months of preceding dross, but truthfully it was a right load of crap, with our success owing as much to Scott Carson's ridiculous career choice as anything else.
And, that folks, was that.
Thus, with the season behind us and the season ticket renewal forms nestling on the mantlepiece, bristling with the promise of our Ashton-less future, it is time to hand out some End of Year Awards. As with last year, we'd like to hear from you too, so please consider the following categories and then leave your selections in the "comments" section. We'll collate them and then disagree with you all entirely, before adding some brief summaries for the players.
(Least Worst) Player of the Year
The H List - George McCartney
Readers - Carlos Tevez
Performance of the Year (Team)
The H List - Man Utd (A)
Readers - Wigan (A)
Performance of the Year (Individual)
The H List - Robert Green v Arsenal (A)
Readers - Robert Green v Arsenal (A)
The H List - Bobby Zamora v Everton (H)
Readers - Bobby Zamora v Everton (H)
The H List - Marlon Harewood
Readers - Marlon Harewood
*Given the holder of this title cannot retain it, this award has therefore been gratefully sponsored by the Society for the Protection of My Fathers Aorta.
Worst Team Performance
The H List - Manchester City (H)
Readers - Charlton Athletic (A)
Worst Individual Performance
The H List - Luis Boa Morte - Chelsea (H)
Readers - Marlon Harewood - Watford (H)
The H List - Chelsea
Readers - Chelsea
Best Opposition Player
The H List - Dimitar Berbatov
Readers - Cristiano Ronaldo
Best Opposition Goal
The H List - Daniel Agger - Liverpool (A)
Readers - Shaun Wright-Phillips - Chelsea (H)
Worst Opposition (Sponsored by Middlesbrough FC)
The H List - Middlesbrough
Readers - Middlesbrough
Win it three times and they get to keep it!
The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposition Player
The H List - Michael Dawson
Readers - Frank Lampard
If you feel that there is something else upon which you simply must comment then please do so. If you could refrain from libel that would be mighty nice, although this has never stopped my erstwhile literary colleague The Boleyn Beluga, it has to be said.....