Overly long writings about West Ham United FC. This is the kind of thing you might like, if you like this kind of thing.

Monday, May 19, 2008

End Of Season Ramblings

I'm pretty sure that you have all forgotten what an update to The H List looks like, but I would hope that you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me.

I have been spending some time on the beautiful Amalfi Coast in Italy, amidst the bougainvillea and the citrus groves, eating my body weight in pasta and sampling some rather nice local beers. It must be said that it was lovely to spend time with people whose lives are unfettered by concerns over such trivialities as Lucas Neill's questionable positioning, our lack of midfield flair or traffic laws.

If I was thoroughly committed to the cause I would review our final four games of the season in some depth. Of course, the soporific nature of these games means that going into any kind of depth will automatically lead to widespread yawning.

In short, we managed a scarcely merited 2-1 home victory over Derby, that was so convincing the team was roundly booed from the pitch. Not the least remarkable element of this performance was that we somehow contrived to allow Tyrone Mears to score against us. Yes folks, that's T.Y.R.O.N.E/M.E.A.R.S.

After that triumph of the soul, we moved on to another home match with Kevin Keegan's revitalised Newcastle. And by 'revitalised' I of course mean "not quite as shit as usual". We surged into a 2 goal lead, with a pair of unusually good strikes from Noble and Ashton. Needless to say, the lead was squandered within twenty minutes as we conceded goals to those two titans of the modern game - Obafemi Martins and Geremi.

It should probably tell you all you need to know that the most significant action of the day was the Upton Park return of Paolo di Canio, who was roundly cheered and did not offer up a single fascist salute. Hurrah all round.

Thereafter came our plucky little trip to Manchester United where we once again proved ourselves to be indomitable in the face of a superior foe. With a whole twenty five minutes on the clock we had conceded 3 goals and packed it in for the afternoon. There was briefly time for Dean Ashton to continue his recent great run with another fine goal, before Nani had a brain aneurysm and headbutted Lucas Neill. We responded so well to having the extra man that we thereafter conceded another goal and never threatened to look competent again.

Our final game of the year saw the visit of Aston Villa who played us off the pitch and still left town with just a point, courtesy in the latest of a succession of cracking Ashton strikes. The game could potentially be described as exciting in the context of the months of preceding dross, but truthfully it was a right load of crap, with our success owing as much to Scott Carson's ridiculous career choice as anything else.

And, that folks, was that.

Thus, with the season behind us and the season ticket renewal forms nestling on the mantlepiece, bristling with the promise of our Ashton-less future, it is time to hand out some End of Year Awards. As with last year, we'd like to hear from you too, so please consider the following categories and then leave your selections in the "comments" section. We'll collate them and then disagree with you all entirely, before adding some brief summaries for the players.

Vote For:

(Least Worst) Player of the Year

2007 Winners:

The H List - George McCartney
Readers - Carlos Tevez

Performance of the Year (Team)

2007 Winners:

The H List - Man Utd (A)
Readers - Wigan (A)

Performance of the Year (Individual)

2007 Winners:

The H List - Robert Green v Arsenal (A)
Readers - Robert Green v Arsenal (A)

Best Goal

2007 Winners:

The H List - Bobby Zamora v Everton (H)
Readers - Bobby Zamora v Everton (H)

Worst Player*

2007 Winners:

The H List - Marlon Harewood
Readers - Marlon Harewood

*Given the holder of this title cannot retain it, this award has therefore been gratefully sponsored by the Society for the Protection of My Fathers Aorta.

Worst Team Performance

2007 Winners:

The H List - Manchester City (H)
Readers - Charlton Athletic (A)

Worst Individual Performance

2007 Winners:

The H List - Luis Boa Morte - Chelsea (H)
Readers - Marlon Harewood - Watford (H)

Best Opposition

2007 Winners:

The H List - Chelsea
Readers - Chelsea

Best Opposition Player

2007 Winners:

The H List - Dimitar Berbatov
Readers - Cristiano Ronaldo

Best Opposition Goal

2007 Winners:

The H List - Daniel Agger - Liverpool (A)
Readers - Shaun Wright-Phillips - Chelsea (H)

Worst Opposition (Sponsored by Middlesbrough FC)

2007 Winners:

The H List - Middlesbrough
Readers - Middlesbrough

Win it three times and they get to keep it!

The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposition Player

2007 Winners:

The H List - Michael Dawson
Readers - Frank Lampard

If you feel that there is something else upon which you simply must comment then please do so. If you could refrain from libel that would be mighty nice, although this has never stopped my erstwhile literary colleague The Boleyn Beluga, it has to be said.....

6 comments:

  1. Joe A1:34 PM

    (Least Worst) Player of the Year:

    George McCartney

    Performance of the Year (Team):

    Man Utd (H)

    Performance of the Year (Individual):

    John Paintsil vs Man Utd (H)

    Best Goal:

    Dean Ashton v Man Utd (A)

    Worst Player:

    Luis Boa Morte

    Worst Team Performance:

    Chelsea (H)

    Worst Individual Performance:

    Too many of Boa Morte's to list.

    Best Opposition:

    Man City (H)

    Best Opposition Player:

    Cristiano Ronaldo

    Best Opposition Goal:

    Carlos Tevez

    Worst Opposition (Sponsored by Middlesbrough FC):

    Middlesbrough


    The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposition Player:

    Frank (This one's for you Mum) Lampard

    ReplyDelete
  2. (Least Worst) Player of the Year

    Upson or Green (yeah I know...)

    Performance of the Year (Team)

    Man Utd (H)

    Performance of the Year (Individual)

    I admit a personal bias, but I'd have to say

    John Pantsil - Man U (H)


    Best Goal

    Ashton's header at Everton - gets better each time you see it


    Worst Player

    Tough... Lucas 'where am I?' Neill or Luis 'Portuguese Man of Poor' Boa Morte


    Worst Team Performance

    Plymouth Argyle (H), possibly.


    Worst Individual Performance

    Luis 'The Randomiser' Boa Morte at Spurs


    Best Opposition

    Chelsea at Upton Park (first 30 minutes)


    Best Opposition Player

    Tevez (oh come on)


    Best Opposition Goal

    Jermaine Defoe's penalty... cos it wasn't.


    Worst Opposition (Sponsored by Middlesbrough FC)

    Middlesbrough (why not)


    The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposition Player

    Fat Frank

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Boleyn Beluga9:03 PM

    (Least Worst) Player of the Year:

    George McCartney

    Performance of the Year (Team):

    Man Utd (H)

    Performance of the Year (Individual):

    King Paintsil's cameo vs Man Utd

    Best Goal:

    Either Ashton's header against Everton or McCartney's volley at home to Bolton (I'm allowed two votes)

    Worst Player:

    Hmmm... Let's see...
    Luis Boa Morte

    Worst Team Performance:

    Chelsea (H)

    Worst Individual Performance:

    Boa Morte away to tottenham.

    Best Opposition:

    Chelsea (H)

    Best Opposition Player:

    Michael Ballack

    Best Opposition Goal:

    Ballack at Upton Park

    Worst Opposition (Sponsored by Middlesbrough FC):

    Middlesbrough


    The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposition Player:

    Jermaine Defoe for his explosive substitute appearance for The Scum.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous10:19 PM

    Least Worst :

    Sweet George Macca

    [The only]Performance of the Year:

    Man Utd [H] especially last 25 minutes !!!

    Performance of the Year:

    Paolo Di Canio, from his Box to the Bobby Moore Lower

    Best Goal :

    Dean Ashton vs Man Utd

    Worst Player [ever]:

    LBM

    Worst Team Perfomance:

    Although spoilt for choice, Bolton away was a real cracker, with a special thanks to Curbs once again for his tactical nous, tactical awareness, & his committment to free flowing back passes from the half way line back to Green

    Worst Individual Perfomance :

    So many to choose from but for sheer pesrsistance this award has to go to [ who else ] but LBM !?!?


    Best Opposition :

    Chelsea [h], although they were down to 10 men they could still have beaten us if they they were reduced to 5

    Best Opposition Player

    Joe Cole [ come home Joe, & soon ]


    Best Oppostion Goal :

    Carlos Tevez @ Old Trafford..truly great goal

    Worst Opposition Player :

    Frank [ gracious ] Lampard

    Man of the Year :

    Curbs for his ability to snap up young / upcoming / creative players for next to nothing, his refusal to pay over the odds, his refusal to waste money on players who are injury prone / past it / useless old / crap / barely able to put one foot in front of the other without assistance !!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dan

    (Least Worst) Player of the Year:

    Nobby Solano (sweatiest man in football)

    Performance of the Year (Team):

    Man Utd (H)

    Performance of the Year (Individual):

    George McCartney vs Newcastle (H)

    Best Goal:

    One of Bowyer's goals. Derby (A)

    Worst Player:

    Luis Boa Morte

    Worst Team Performance:

    Tottenham (A)

    Worst Individual Performance:

    MOTD - for showing West Ham last every weekend....

    Best Opposition:

    Liverpool (A)

    Best Opposition Player:

    Torres

    Best Opposition Goal:

    Tyrone Mears

    Worst Opposition (Sponsored by Middlesbrough FC):

    Derby County


    The Michael Dawson Award for Worst Opposition Player:

    None - Boa Morte

    ReplyDelete
  6. Joe D1:00 PM

    Robin van Persie crap in the air, are you shitting me? How about the best volley of the decade, last year against Charlton? Though I have to admit his heading needs improving, which I blame on his Tin Tin-hairstyle.

    ReplyDelete