The H List: Hull City 2 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

“HULL OR HIGH WATER”

HEADHAMMERSHARK

INT: STUDY

HEADHAMMERSHARK is whirring away uselessly at an iMac with an autocorrect designed by a madman. MARK KERMODE is sitting next to him, his hair perfect and unperturbed since 1984.

MARK KERMODE

Ooh, is this going to be a clever take on renowned Texan thriller “Hell or High Water” from acclaimed British director David Mackenzie?

HEADHAMMERSHARK

I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. I just like the play on words.

MARK KERMODE

I see. What about “Hull Metal Jacket”?

HEADHAMMERSHARK

What does that even mean?

MARK KERMODE

Look, whatever you do, just make sure you set it in a dystopian hellhole that accurately reflects the creaking at the seams of modern day society, like the original.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT: THE KCOM STADIUM

We are in Hull, UK City of Culture 2017 because of course it is. Many HULL CITY fans are wandering around, smiling pleasantly as a brass band plays in the background. Most WEST HAM fans appear to be as drunk as KERRY KATONA on a morning show. Around the stadium are rows of desolate streets and houses, with poverty writ large across the screen.

MARK KERMODE

Fair play to him, he’s nailed that.

INT: VISITORS CHANGING ROOM, KCOM STADIUM

The changing room is a hive of activity. SAM BYRAM and AARON CRESSWELL are having sun tan lotion rubbed into their shoulders, ANDY CARROLL is booking a booze cruise and ADRIAN is midway through a Dan Brown thriller where the villain will most likely be the same person it always is. JAMES COLLINS is looking for a restaurant serving a full English and showing old episodes of ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES.

SLAVEN BILIC

OK boys! This is it! If we lose today, then we’ll definitely lose at Arsenal on Wednesday which will mean we’ve lost five in a row. For some reason the chairmen have decided six defeats in a row is untenable, even though they employed Avram Grant, so winning today would probably save my job.

JOSE FONTE and ROBERT SNODGRASS
(checking their bank balances)

Count us in! We are definitely motivated by your job security, gaffer whom we have known for three weeks!

SLAVEN BILIC

OK, so the team is: Randolph in goal, the two oldest slowest guys in the middle, Cresswell on the left and Masuaku on the other side as we have no right back.

SAM BYRAM

Hey boss

SLAVEN BILIC

Yeah, it’s a pisser but we just don’t have any right backs at all. I even played Antonio, Nordtveit and Kouyate there earlier in the season. Imagine what a fucking shitshow that was!

SAM BYRAM

Hi boss, I’m right here.

SLAVEN BILIC

So, yep, Arthur on the right.

JULIAN DICKS

Er, Slav, what about playing Byram there?

SLAVEN BILIC

Who?

JULIAN DICKS

The skinny kid with the hair? He’s from Leeds so we all just assumed he was on day release but apparently he’s actually a player.

SLAVEN BILIC

He’s a right back?

JULIAN DICKS
(shrugging, looking at programme notes)

That’s what it says here.

SLAVEN BILIC

OK, whatever. The kid on the right. Holding midfielder is Kouyate with Noble and Lanzini alongside. Ayew and Snodgrass are wide –

In the background SOFIANE FEGHOULI is holding up INCRIMINATING PHOTOS of Bilic.

SLAVEN BILIC

Oh Christ. Yep, sorry. Nobes on the bench and Feghouli goes wide. Carroll up front. Now, seeing as we apparently bought Fonte for leadership qualities, and fans think the captain is really important because most fans are idiots and we need a captain, you’d think it might make sense for me to choose him. So, congratulations Andy Carroll – you’re the new West Ham skipper!

ANDY CARROLL, wearing a Club 18-30 t-shirt, falls off a barstool in the background as the rest of team line up to be called out by the referee.

SLAVEN BILIC

Now remember boys, the script is very clear. We’re playing a shit team away from home at the end of the season. Custom dictates that we dominate the first half and take an early lead, before squandering all other chances to extend that same lead, OK? Then, we allow a second half comeback to gift them an unlikely win and really cement our season as being a complete waste of time. Usually this will require a subtle change of tactics from the opposition, a substitute no one has ever heard of coming on and changing the game and probably goals from two players who've never scored before. Everybody clear? OK, get out there!

MANUEL LANZINI

What script is this that you keep referring to, boss?

SLAVEN BILIC

The one we’re in right now.

MANUEL LANZINI

This is all very meta.

The team exit, with many wearing goggles and with beach towels thrown over their shoulders.

Julian Dicks turns to Edin Terzic

JULIAN DICKS

Was Feghouli in flip flops?

FONTE hangs back to have a word with Bilic.

JOSE FONTE

As I’m not skipper, what should I do boss?

SLAVEN BILIC

Well, definitely don’t get booked before you’ve literally even touched the ball.

CUT TO:

EXT: CENTRE CIRCLE, KCOM STADIUM

Referee MIKE JONES is booking JOSE FONTE before he has LITERALLY even touched the ball.

CUT TO:

EXT: DUGOUT, KCOM STADIUM

Slaven Bilic is pacing around the technical area as his team are dominating Hull City. After an impressive opening, Carroll slips his marker and rifles home the opening goal.

SLAVEN BILIC

He’s like bloody Kryptonite isn’t he? The closer he gets to home, the stronger he is.

EDIN TERZIC

I don’t think that’s how Kryptonite works.

SLAVEN BILIC

It would really have to in order to fit this simile so let’s assume it does. He’s useless in London, but bring him to Middlesbrough or Hull and he’s unstoppable. I’m really excited about our away game at Newcastle next year.

EDIN TERZIC

But they’re coming up aren’t they?

CUT TO:

EXT: KCOM STADIUM AWAY END

There are West Ham fans everywhere. HEADHAMMERSHARK is stood mere feet from the HULL fans. Behind him are some fellow Hammers who have devoted quite some time and money to BOLIVIAN MARCHING POWDER on the way up. It is like a scene from Apocalypse Now, but with more STONE ISLAND. There is a WOMAN in the home end.

DRUNK WEST HAM FANS

She’s got chlamydia, she’s got chlamydia

HEADHAMMERSHARK

Wait, why are we singing this?

EVEN DRUNKER WEST HAM FAN

Because of our famous Cockney wit, and also because she has committed the unpardonable sin of attending a football game whilst being a woman and must be put in her place. Bantz, LOLZ, locker room talk.

HEADHAMMERSHARK

Am I in an episode of Life on Mars or something?

DRUNK WEST HAM FANS

She’s got chlamydia, she’s got chlamydia

HEADHAMMERSHARK

There is absolutely no way that this will rebound spectacularly at any point. No sirree.

EVEN DRUNKER WEST HAM FAN
(to some Hull fan four feet away)

You mug! How do you like this? We pay your benefits! Hahahahaha

HEADHAMMERSHARK

No sirree.

CUT TO:

INT: KCOM STADIUM, VISITORS CHANGING ROOM

SLAVEN BILIC

Great half lads. You’ve followed the script perfectly. Hull really are absolutely terrible, but you’ve only scored once despite being demonstrably the better side. Now, we need to follow the script so-

DAVID and JACK SULLIVAN come wandering into the changing room.

DAVID SULLIVAN

I’m really sorry to interrupt, Slaven, but I wanted to let you know that despite me having no formal involvement in transfers unless they are a success, we’re readying a three year contract offer for Pablo Zabaleta. He ticks a lot of boxes for me as he’s in Jack’s fantasy football team, I’ve heard of him before, and nobody else sane wants to buy him so I can get into a bidding war with myself.

SLAVEN BILIC

This isn’t a great time, to be honest Mr Chairman, but can I suggest we keep it under wraps for now and perhaps revisit on Monday?

Meanwhile, Jack is tweeting in the background.

DAVID SULLIVAN

Sure, no worries, it won’t leave this room.

Several phones begin beeping around the room as news of the Zabaleta bid flashes up on several preferred West Ham websites and media outlets.

DAVID SULLIVAN

I have absolutely no idea how that keeps happening.

They leave.

SLAVEN BILIC

OK, so as I was saying, we really need to stick to the script-

DAVID GOLD enters the room.

DAVID GOLD

Hi everyone, I’m David Gold. You might remember me from such other scripts as “Did you know I lived at 442 Green Street?” and “Come and see my gardens, everyone!”

SLAVEN BILIC

Sure, Mr Chairman, hi. I’m a little busy preparing my team to throw away three points.

DAVID GOLD

Of course, it’s the West Ham Way! I just wanted to let you know that myself and my fellow board members are going to put out a strongly worded statement in support of you tomorrow. I really can’t fathom where all these rumours about your position are coming from.

KARREN BRADY
(comes charging into the room)

David, can I just get you to quickly sign off on today’s Mediawatch? It has three stories about a new manager including one about Jaap Stam because Slaven parked in my space this morning and pissed me off.

Gold looks embarrassed and starts to shuffle out of the room.

DAVID GOLD

Karren, for fucks sake, you couldn’t have picked a worse time. All the best boys, especially you Sofiane – playing in Crocs, well I never. I wouldn’t have got away with that at West Ham boys when I was 15. All the best. dg

They leave.

SLAVEN BILIC

OK lads, we’re running out of time, but we quickly need to change our tactics.

MANUEL LANZINI

Why would we do that?

SLAVEN BILIC

It’s in the script Manuel. So, from now on, even though Andy’s been terrorising them like an EU passport with a Brexiteer, we’re going to aim all our crosses at Feghouli for him to head in at the far post.

MANUEL LANZINI

All of them?

SLAVEN BILIC

ABSOLUTELY ALL OF THEM!

SOFIANE FEGHOULI

What is “heading”?

In the background, Lanzini receives a WhatsApp message from Dimitri Payet with links to available houses in the Marseille area.

CUT TO:

EXT: TOUCHLINE, KCOM STADIUM

KAMIL GROSICKI is introduced as a substitute. Literally nobody has ever heard of him before, so no West Ham player attempts to tackle him for the next forty five minutes.

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM PENALTY AREA, KCOM STADIUM

JAMES COLLINS bumps shoulders with HARRY MAGUIRE. The latter falls over like someone has LEFT THE BAR HATCH OPEN

JAMES COLLINS

That’s the sort of shit I’ve been looking for! Del Boy fell over and Trigger made a face!

HARRY MAGUIRE

My eyes, my eyes! Forsooth, how can thou deny me a penalty? I have been most grievously injur'd!

MIKE JONES

Harry, look at the size of you, for fucks sake. If I stuck a bit of cladding around your arse and cemented you into the ground in Notting Hill I could get £850,000 for you.

MARCO SILVA
(going batshit crazy)

Vengeance, will be mine!

SLAVEN BILIC

Calm down, Marco. Give it a minute mate.

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM PENALTY AREA, KCOM STADIUM A MINUTE LATER

ANDREW ROBERTSON is advancing into the area somewhat menacingly. Fonte and Byram are doing the MACARENA by a barbecue, and DARREN RANDOLPH is hastily scrambling up from his beach towel.

ANDREW ROBERTSON

Behold! I am the son of Robert, and I bite my thumb at you sir.

SAM BYRAM

Should one of us try and tackle him?

JOSE FONTE

Maybe, but he’s really Feghuoli’s man.

They peer through binoculars to see Feghouli miles upfield buying a fake Rolex from a guy on the beach.

JOSE FONTE

Yeah, maybe we sh-

Robertson scores from a Grosicki pass. This is so predictable that Mark Kermode gives it a ONE STAR review because the plot twist could be seen A MILE OFF.

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM TECHNICAL AREA, KCOM STADIUM

SLAVEN BILIC

I wonder if I should change my tactics?

CUT TO:

EXT: HULL CITY PENALTY AREA, KCOM STADIUM

A SUCCESSION of crosses arrive at the back post for Feghouli. He puts them all wide with a variety of beach tools, including once with a SWINGBALL racquet and once with a SURFBOARD. He is now wearing FLIPPERS.

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM TECHNICAL AREA, KCOM STADIUM

EDIN TERZIC

God no, you're fine.

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM PENALTY AREA, KCOM STADIUM

ALFRED N'DIAYE hits the post from 10 yards out. Randolph nearly saves it before remembering he doesn't save anything.

SLAVEN BILIC

I wonder if I should change my tactics?

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM TECHNICAL AREA, KCOM STADIUM

Bilic is readying a substitution. The number 7 is flashed on the board. Feghouli sees this and holds up an incriminating picture of Bilic.

EDIN TERZIC

For fucks sake

SLAVEN BILIC

Sorry Sofiane.

The board is changed. Off comes Snodgrass.

ROBERT SNODGRASS

How did I do boss? Did I do what you asked?

SLAVEN BILIC

Show everybody that £10m really doesn't get you much these days? You betcha!

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM PENALTY AREA, KCOM STADIUM

ANDREA RANOCCHIA comes striding into the box. Several West Ham defenders are engaged in a game of beach cricket.

ANDREA RANOCCHIA

Behold! I am Ranocchia, destroyer of worlds. Alack! I have not troubled the scorers verily but here I am, as unlikely a scorer as e'er there was!

MANUEL LANZINI

Why do all the Hull players talk like Shakespeare characters, but as though the writer doesn't have any grasp of Shakespearean language at all?

ARTHUR MASUAKU

City of culture, innit?

MANUEL LANZINI

I can't wait until I get to Marseille.

JOSE FONTE

Hey Cheik - can you mark Ranocchia? Seems like one of us should.

CHEIKHOU KOUYATE is struggling to erect a parasol, Masuaku rushes to help him. Randolph is playing BADMINTON. Ranocchia heads in the winner.

SLAVEN BILIC

I wonder if I should change my tactics?

CUT TO:

EXT: WEST HAM TECHNICAL AREA, KCOM STADIUM

Bilic is looking around for a substitute. He settles on JONATHAN CALLERI, who is lying on a sun lounger, wearing a MANKINI.

SLAVEN BILIC

Jesus Christ, did you even bring any boots?

Behind him, the fourth official holds up the board to show six minutes of injury time.

MARCO SILVA

(going batshit crazy)

Where the fuck did you get six minutes from? My goalkeeper just spent five minutes pretending to be injured so I simply cannot understand where this time has come from.

On the pitch, another cross makes its way to the Hull back post where Feghouli heads it wide.

CUT TO:

EXT: KCOM STADIUM AWAY END

Hull fans are giving it plenty, shockingly. This is making West Ham fans VERY ANGRY.

DRUNK WEST HAM FANS

We taunted you mercilessly when we were winning and now you're doing the same to us. This is OUTRAGEOUS. We demand physical combat, now.

POLICE OFFICER

I'm throwing you out.

EVEN MORE DRUNK WEST HAM FAN

But I want to fight them!

POLICE OFFICER

You can fight them outside.

EVEN MORE DRUNK WEST HAM FAN

Brilliant - wait, what?

Several West Ham fans are ejected. Nobody fights anybody. It's almost as though it was all just the posturing of teenagers.

CUT TO:

EXT: CENTRE CIRCLE, KCOM STADIUM

ANDRE AYEW is here. He has yet to touch the ball.

CUT TO:

EXT: HULL PENALTY AREA, KCOM STADIUM

Manuel Lanzini is here, still wriggling his little heart out. Andy Carroll is also here, still destroying Hull central defenders. Another cross inexplicably makes its way to Feghouli.

SOFIANE FEGHOULI

You would think that having played in Spain for many years, and being a clearly very talented footballer that I would be able to head this football.

(punctures it with a speargun)

Huh, well you'd be wrong.