Hull City vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 21/11/2009

1. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

This article marks something of an epoch for The H List, being published as it is from the southern hemisphere.

In a frankly ridiculous bid for increased market share, Headhammer Shark and I have taken the bewilderingly radical approach of posting one author to Australia and it was I who took one for the team, typing as I am in shorts, t-shirt and 30-degree heat.

I have an equally baffling theory that the resultant time difference gives me a better chance of uploading articles in a quasi-punctual fashion. Not difficult when we currently publish once every Mayan dynasty.

2. Opportunity Knocks

Back in mid-October, had I offered you five points from Arsenal, Sunderland, Villa and Everton would you have taken it?

From the first three games, definitely, despite the frustration of letting a two goal lead slip at The Stadium of Light. A wasteful loss to an under par Everton side, however, contributed to a sense of missed opportunity.

To take eight points from those tricky fixtures would have not only provided us with a tangible buffer to the relegation zone but, more importantly, really given the team what would have been a warranted boost of confidence.

As it is, I feel that any confidence accrued post-Villa took an appreciable knock after the Everton match – the kind of knock which could manifest itself against Hull, when the added momentum from a win against The Toffees would have stood us in fine stead for our trip up North.

3. Opposition

As I am positioned ‘Down Under’ in a land rife with opposites, I can almost persuade myself that Saturday’s visit to Hull City constitutes a top four clash, but of course it doesn’t. It’s a tooth and nail, bare-knuckle fistfight of a fixture.

Occupying two of the bottom four league positions, taking three points from this match is a must for both teams.

Natural Selection and all laws of nature suggest that it is us who should emerge victorious from this squalid affair, but being West Ham we will obviously do everything in our power to subvert the accepted wisdom of Evolution by preaching Creationist dogma from atop the 3-million year old fossilised remnants of Jimmy Bullard’s knees.

Hull City are a bad team. You don’t need me to tell you that, it’s more than apparent each week. Last season’s survival was wholly due to a remarkable early season run, something they have been incapable of this year.

A chronic case of Second Season Syndrome has gripped the KC Stadium and they are ill-equipped to deal with it. The opportunity to bolster in the January transfer window will do them little good if manager Phil Brown is still holding the purse strings, although it may present us with the chance to offload Nigel Quashie for £27million.

A 2-1 home win against Stoke City last time out postponed the Chairman’s axe from slicing into Phil Brown’s bronzed neck. It would be sweet to nudge the self-regarding Brown a step closer to the exit.

4. Picture Book

'Oi, Phil! What's your position on the concept of humility?'

5. History

Last season we managed to escape from Hull with just the 1-0 defeat, coming as it did in the midst of Zola’s early shaky run courtesy of a header from the now £12million-rated defender (UNBELIEVEABLE), Michael Turner.

Cole and Ilunga both missed great chances in the first half and Carlton also rattled the bar at 1-0 down. It was a familiar tale of creating more gilt-edged chances than a lesser team, who inevitably get the winner with their sole attempt.

The match was also notable for the fact that Marlon King took time out from beating women to make an appearance.

This season’s early shaky run may be at an end, although the jury’s still out. Saturday is a crunch test in that regard.

6. Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Is your team full of underachieving egomaniacs about to crash out of World Cup qualification? Just use these.

7. Cole-Fired

It came as a surprise to no-one that the absence of Carlton Cole against Everton and for the majority of the Villa game shone a retina-searing light on our dearth of potent attacking options.

Young Zavon Hines did remarkably well against Villa, poaching as he did the injury-time winner. He was however as wasteful as lottery-winning chav in the Everton match, and alongside Guillermo Franco forms a front line with zero physical presence.

Franco looks a more accomplished player than David DiMichele, with a sound touch and composure when in possession. However, at this early stage I may as well have drawn the comparison that Hitler slaughtered slightly less people than Stalin.

Cole’s remarkable early season form has inevitably attracted the attention of some of the big guns, with Liverpool and Manchester United sniffing around our nubian prince. He has emerged as a player that three of the traditional Big Four are craving.

The Club have again insisted that our star performers are not for sale and that our finances are not so precarious that we are unable to resist a £20million+ offer. We all know that to sell Cole constitutes Premiership suicide and any income gained will be swiftly negated by the absence of the TV money guaranteed by survival.

He is a solid incarnation of the shadow of a player he once threatened to be, and while I was always an admirer of his endeavour, the addition of a killer instinct, tenacity, close control and Optimus Prime-esque strength has slowly led me to fall in love with him.

If that assertion doesn’t cause him to move on come January, then we should be able to hang onto him ‘til the summer.

8. Phil Clown

Sometimes people come into our lives at just the right time. Serendipity, kismet, karma... Call it what you will, but very occasionally The Fates conspire to provide us with a tonic when the prognosis looks bleak.

Mercifully, the austere prospect of writing an upbeat preview for a trip to Hull is assuaged by their unequivocal buffoon of a manager.

When he’s not giving halftime teamtalks on the pitch, leading the masses in a televised singsong as if he were Sir Cliff at Wimbledon, or conducting a live TV interview sat in front of a self-portrait big enough to make Chairman Mao blush, Phil Brown is busy taping radio mics to his face.

How can I add anything to make him look anymore stupid?

When invited onto a live Sunday morning chat show, what kind of a man’s thought processes constitute:

‘Right, what to wear.... Blue pinstripes, pink sweater. Risqué? Tell you what, I’ll deflect any abject shame by slinging said jumper casually over the shoulders.’

The most nauseating thing is you know that he was in the mirror for a good hour, bellowing fashion stratagems downstairs to Mrs. Brown as she whisked up the Aunt Bessie’s pudding batter.

Sorry, Phil. You’re not nibbling on a delicate brioche on the Champs Elysees, sipping an espresso and sifting through Le Monde.

You’re in Hull.

West Ham United vs Arsenal: Match Preview - 25/10/2009

1. Black Dog

Writing this crap can have an effect on the soul. It’s a sorry state of affairs when the highlight of the season thus far has been a riot.

There has been precious little to cheer. Any cause célèbre (Cole’s screamer against tottenham) has swiftly been negated (Cole’s mesmeric through-ball to Defoe), and the only home win, albeit against Millwall, was a defeat until the 87th minute.

Maybe you reap what you sow. Heckling for attractive football over results has got me in this pickle and the ham-fisted nature of our attacking play has forced me to take a big bite out of a stale reality-sandwich.

2. Opposition

Our Premiership coffin already nicely taking shape, aristocratic fops, Arsenal, slum it at Upton Park on Sunday afternoon, sure to buff any splintered edges with their ivory-handled emery boards.

This season’s title-race looks to be the most open for years, and Arsenal currently look as likely as any to stake a solid claim.

Belgian centre-back Thomas Vermaelen has proven another astute purchase by Arsene Wenger. Already scoring four times this season and looking capable at the back, the left-footer provides balance in the middle alongside walking tantrum, William Gallas.

Cesc Fabregas continues to pull the strings in midfield and is sure to keep on kissing his badge right up until he signs for Barcelona.

Notably this season, the departure of Emmanuel Adebayor has enabled Robin Van Persie to finally take centre stage up front, emerging from the shadow of Adebayor and Thierry Henry.

Van Persie oozes class (except with the ladies) and his Feyenoord upbringing has lead to a touch of the Bergkamp’s in his close control, as illustrated by recent goals against Birmingham and Fulham.

The Gunners remain susceptible to conceding, risking defensive solidity for aesthetic perfection. As they often commit both full-backs forward, hitting them on the break at pace is as likely a route to goal as any, so Zavon Hines could prove useful.

Scoring could also prove useful. As could having a shot on goal. Getting a cross in might get us somewhere. And making a valid substitution before second half injury time is also something to consider.

Arsenal’s weakness since the departure of their famous back four has been a brittle underbelly to their beautiful play. As the likes of Bolton have proven on a few occasions, get in amongst them and they often fold rather than risk spilling their 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild.

Of course, we choose to eschew this established wisdom and take on the best footballing side in the League at actual football, for goodness sake. Inevitably, we often come off second best and I see no reason to believe that Sunday will be any different.

3. History

Last season’s corresponding fixture finished 2-0 to the Gunners, although we held our own for an hour until Julien Faubert deflected a shot into his own net.

The introduction of Emmanuel Adebayor in the second half highlighted the gulf in class and he competently put Arsenal two-up to seal the result.

Generally speaking, we haven’t done too badly against Arsenal over the years. The famous ‘last team at Highbury, first team at Emirates’ chant will always be something to cling to in these barren times, but that it takes on increasing importance tells its own story.

4. Attribute The Quote:

'One day I will be King of Europe...'

5. Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls

Right. The situation is dire. Which is almost as terminal as Dyer.

One win so far this season, five points from eight games, second bottom of the table and three tricky fixtures just round the corner.

At Stoke I stood among the meat pie-wielding masses to witness West Ham stroke the ball impotently from right wing to left without ever thinking to, I don’t know, run forwards?

The incessant lateral nonsense put me in mind of staring at windscreen wipers whilst driving through a torrential downpour. Right, left, right, left, right, left…. Futilely straining against the inevitable as the wheels come off and we aquaplane into oblivion.

Zola came out after the game saying that he took solace in the manner of our play, but I can’t see how. Yes, we dominated Stoke for spells, but dominating a team like Stoke is not enough.

For all the tidy play out of our own half, after a few side to sides, we often resort to a hopeful ball up to Cole. If that is always to be the ultimate result, why not lump it up there early before he’s surrounded by three defenders?

No-one is threading in neat passes, and more endemic is that no-one is finding any space when not in possession. Give the ball, stand still, get it back, pass it sideways.

If Mark Noble receives possession on the edge of the area again and turns back towards Rob Green, I’m going to loop Cheryl Cole’s new video on his TV. With the vision off and the sound up.

6. Picture Book

Arsene Wenger illustrates the need for a high-fibre diet

7. Behrami Army

Valon Behrami is West Ham’s night light – he never illuminates proceedings to a huge extent, but you’re always glad he’s there. More than most, he seems to understand what it is that endears a player to the fans.

While Junior Stanislas and Julien Faubert were lauding the former’s injury-time equaliser against a 10-man Fulham, it was Behrami dragging them back to the halfway line for the re-start.

Always full of running and never short of endeavour, he’d be one of the first names on my teamsheet – along with myself up front, a coked-up Mark Ward on the wing (imagine the pace) and HeadHammer Shark, the proverbial bus parked in front of the goal.

Although he constitutes one half of a suspect defensive axis with Faubert down our right-hand side, Behrami is arguably our most consistent performer.

The antithesis of the self-important Nigel Reo-Coker and one of the few positives from the Curbishley era, Behrami knows the score:

“I think the team has to lift the crowd. If they see that every player challenges and runs, it’s easier for the people to get behind you… it’s down to us, the players.”

West Ham United vs Fulham: Match Preview - 04/10/2009

1. Same Old H List, Always Absent…

As HeadHammer Shark stagnates in his recliner, responding to his good lady wife’s pleas for a little help with the kids with a ‘whatever’-style gesture, never once taking his eyes from Wrestlemania on the Plasma, it has been left to me to post our bi-monthly article.

Yes, I missed the Bolton and Man City previews, but in hindsight can you blame me?

2. Opposition

Sunday afternoon sees us take on Fulham at Upton Park in what has arguably become a must-win game so early in the season.

Fulham have had marginally better start than us after an exceptional year where they snatched 7th place (their highest ever finish) and the final Europa League spot from under the noses of several other clubs whom many thought a safer bet.

Woy Hodgson has done a fantastic job since arriving at Cwaven Cottage, staving off near-imminent welegation in his first season before qualifying for Euwope the next.

Hist team are altogether a sterner test than in recent years and by no means a banker at home. Aussie international Mark Schwarzer is a competent ‘keeper, veteran Danny Murphy keeps things ticking over in midfield, they have two mobile full-backs (one of them a genius) and Bobby Zamora just does well to stay on his feet with Andy Johnson diving all over the place.

Saying that, they too are in the midst of a poor run, arriving on the back of three consecutive defeats to Arsenal, Man City and Wolves.

Another recent similarity is that they have their fair share of injury worries, with new signing Damien Duff recently joining Simon Davies and Brede Hangeland on the injury list.

I’ve heard rumours that King Paintsil plans on exposing Derren Brown’s devilry at halftime before zooming off in a jet-pack from the centre circle, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

3. Case For The Defence

Monday night’s defeat to Man City highlighted a few areas at the root of our current plight, the most stark of which was the shocking defending on display for both goals from Pope Tevez.

We’ve conceded three goals in each of our last three matches. Cripes.

There were some shocking lapses, not least when our entire defence were simultaneously struck by a bout of narcolepsy as Tevez nodded in City’s third, one of three City players free at the far post.

Tomkins is the real deal, but he is only seven years old and a lack of positional experience was evident when he tried to both mark a player and cover the ball simultaneously, resulting in him doing neither and leaving Tevez with a tap-in.

Da Costa had a decent debut, but Matthew Upson’s absence was clear. Upson’s injury lay-off and the news that Danny Gabbidon has picked up another injury again throws the wisdom of selling James Collins into question.

Fullback’s Ilunga and Faubert both appear a little off the pace, be that fitness-wise or positionally, but I expect better to come from both.

The prospect of Faubert at right-back is not as bone-chilling as it once was, and for that he deserves credit. While there are obvious deficiencies, I think he’s done pretty well so far this year and could yet make the unlikely transition from pantomime villain to back-end-of-a-pantomime-horse.

4. Picture Book

'World Cup winner? Two time FIFA World Player Of The Year? But can you handle this?!'

5. History

Last season saw us beat Fulham 3-1 at the Boleyn.

Gentleman John Paintsil graciously put one on a plate for David DiMichele after a couple of minutes, having cunningly disguised his genius for total defensive incompetence.

This was followed by an absolute scorcher from another former Hammer, Paul Konchesky, who drilled an unstoppable shot past Green from somewhere near Leyton. It was reminiscent of Konchesky’s goal in the 2006 FA Cup Final, except this time he meant it.

Finally, Carlton Cole was brought down for a penalty, converted by Noble, before scoring himself.

In recent times Fulham have been our bitches, with us recording seven wins and a draw from our last eight encounters.

6. Picture Book

'£80million? What does that buy you? Does it buy you this?!'

5. Form and Function

During Zola’s post-match interview on Monday, it appeared as if the penny had dropped that passing endeavour is not enough when you’ve got four points from six games.

He has described Sunday’s match as “a cup final” and Scott Duxbury has sacrificed a couple of goats to his pagan gods on top of the usual kindergarten playgroup.

For all our neat passing in midfield, this admirable approach rarely makes it into the final third nor translates into a meaningful shot on goal.

Invariably, we are able to pass our way out of tight situations in and around our own penalty area, competently resisting the temptation to hoof it clear. This then creates the illusion of the beginnings of a fluid attack, only for a pass to go astray soon after we cross into opposition territory.

Another issue is our chronic lack of width. No-one’s consistently getting down the wings and no-one’s getting crosses into one of the bigger aerial threats in the league.

What we’re left with is restricted space combined with overly intricate passing moves, which more often than not flounder upon midfield congestion.

I’m all for our style of play, which demonstrates a sea-change in comparison to the Curbishley-era when we all cried ourselves to sleep. I’m merely highlighting that our inability to mix things up means that once we’ve been figured out, we’re largely nullified.

West Ham United vs Liverpool: Match Preview - 19/09/2009

1. Opposition

Eternal bridesmaid’s, Liverpool, are in town this week, clutching the withered bridal bouquet of Manchester United’s dominance.

The Reds have suffered a couple of blips already this season, with losses to tottenham and Villa. They do, however, come to Upton Park on the back of a 4-0 victory at home to Burnley, largely courtesy of ex-Hammer, Yossi Benayoun, who scored three and set up the other.

Whether they finally have the necessary quality and depth to win their first title since 1990 remains in doubt. The renewed commitment of Gerrard, Torres and Benitez will have bolstered fans, but the lack of major investment in real quality will likely hinder genuine title prospects.

Not that this should matter to The Reds come Saturday. We have been so subservient to them these last 30+ years that I half expect our players to doff their caps in the tunnel, perspiration still glistening on the brow from scrubbing the Liverpool team bus.

Victory at the weekend is as likely as Jamie Redknapp spelling ‘analytical competency’ without the use of a Speak & Spell. In fact, I’d wager he couldn’t even say it.

2. Nature vs Nurture

Premier League clubs this week agreed on new rules which state that eight out of twenty-five first team squad members must be ‘home-grown’ from next season.

No worries for us, but before you think ‘Wow, Arsenal are going to fold!’, the term ‘home-grown’ is misleading. Any player, foreign or otherwise, that has been at one club for three years or more between the ages of 16 and 21 qualifies.

On this basis, Cesc Fabregas is ‘home-grown’, as would Ronaldo have been at Manchester United prior to his departure.

Arsene Wenger’s considerable internet grooming skills can therefore remain extra-curricular.

3. Stop The Rot

While it is too early to start looking into competitive hotel rates in Doncaster for next season, we do come into this game on the back of two poor performances.

A nothing draw at Ewood Park was followed by a defeat at Wigan so turgid that even eternal nice guy, Frankmundo Zola, saw fit to declare the performance unacceptable.

The immediate chances of us nipping this downturn in the bud seem slight, with our next two games being at home to Liverpool and then away to Man City.

What is the best catalyst for recovery: to have a proper go and suffer a potential rout? Or adopt a conservative approach and, who knows, maybe nick a point?

I’d go for the former, but what do I know? I thought Kieron Dyer was a sound purchase.

4. History

This fixture constituted the penultimate home game of last season and culminated in a 3-0 defeat. Steven Gerrard put the visitors 1-0 up within a minute and 2-0 up after 38, before the game was settled late on by Ryan Babel.

Nothing much noteworthy from us, bar David DiMichele’s curious stuttering dive right on the stroke of halftime when clean through on goal.

A mistake by Jamie Carragher had let the diminutive Italian in, and DiMichele took the retrospectively admirable decision to showcase his emerging ballerina skills, as his future was so obviously not in football.

We have won just one league encounter against Liverpool from the last fourteen, losing ten. Liverpool’s away form is good (six wins from seven ) and our home form is bad (one win from four).

A failure to score in our last two games against considerably weaker opposition than Saturday’s also does not bode well. Neither does Liverpool’s seven goals scored in back-to-back wins.

One chink in Liverpool’s armour is from set-pieces, from which all seven goals conceded this season have come.

5. Out With The Old, In With The Old

This season’s must-have ageing striker accessory is Mexico international, Guillermo Franco, who this week signed on a free transfer following the expiry of his contract with Villareal.

Argentine-born Franco comes with some international pedigree, enjoying a recent goal-scoring spree in Mexico’s World Cup qualifying campaign.

His motivation is to consolidate that place during a World Cup year. Ours is more likely the chance to harvest his organs when Dean Ashton dies.

6. So Long, Alonso

The main Merseyside transaction of the summer involved Xabi Alonso, departing as he did for Real Madrid after largely being hung out to dry since Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez flirted with Gareth Barry last year.

In came Alberto Aquilani from AS Roma, who is yet to make his debut for the club and so will obviously do so this Saturday and score eleven goals.

Alonso’s departure is a puzzlement to me because most people outside of Benitez could see that he was an instrumental part of this side.

While Gerrard and Fernando Torres often take the plaudits, Alonso was always adept at keeping things ticking over in midfield with good vision and an impressive range of passing.

They did get £30million for him, but to me he was exactly the kind of unsung, genuine quality that makes Championship winning sides. A bit like Wedge Antilles – no, he won’t get the princess or slay a Sith Lord, but by god he’ll do a job for you.

7. Diamanti Geezer

Alessandro Diamanti was given his first cameo against Wigan last week and provided the spark that was so sorely lacking.

He went very close with a free-kick (ostensibly something of a speciality) and hit the post late on.

Zola has spoken of his intention to ease him into the pace of the English game, so he is perhaps unlikely to start on Saturday, but I don’t see why not. Packing the midfield with like-for-like players has done little for us in recent weeks.

8. Sex Sells

It has been announced that current Birmingham City co-owner, Dave Sullivan, intends to leave the midlands club should a proposed takeover go through.

Sullivan has stated his intention to remain in football and is a well known West Ham fan. Indeed, the prospect of his investment in the club has already been touted this year.

Comically, he made his fortune in pornography in the late ‘70’s and therefore is fully qualified to add his name to the long line of morally sound businessmen to have invested in West Ham.

He said earlier this week: "Following the takeover I will be looking for a new challenge where my experience, success, sound business acumen and readily available editions of Razzle will make a difference."

The commercial possibilities are mind-boggling and the West Ham DVD selection could soon become unrecognisable: ‘Frank McAvennie Scythes The Hammerettes With His Two-Footed Tackle’ etc.

9. It Makes You Proud

Prospective investor Dave Sullivan (left). There’s nothing I can add to this photo to make it any funnier.

Wigan Athletic vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 12/09/2009

1. A Change Of Tack

I don’t know about you, but personally I think this blog has become just a little too considered in recent weeks at the expense of our bread and butter.

Perilous flirtation with the threat of legal action has been discarded in favour of sound reasoning, and that has to change.

I plan to address this dumbing down of the groundless histrionics which lie at the core of any self-respecting madman’s agenda - it’s political correctness gone mad.

If we could afford solicitors here at The H List, I’m sure we’d be paying them far too much for doing too little, so it’s about time these imaginary leeches earned their scandalously fictitious pay cheques.

2. ‘Av it

Wigan owner, Dave Whelan, upon being asked with which fist he will punch his grand-daughter to sleep with tonight.

3. Opposition

The latest episode in our inexorable march to midtable sees us visit everyone's favourite least favourite team, Wigan Athletic.

Wigan's summer activity largely involved big name departures - Luis Antonio Valencia went to Man United in a bid to slip into the Brylcream-slickened shoes of Cristiano Ronaldo, and Steve Bruce was unavoidably whisked north to Sunderland by the haphazard nature of his physics-resistant snout.

Lee Cattermole was ensnared in Bruce’s rhinal vortex meaning that, along with Wilson Palacios and Valencia, Wigan have lost arguably their three most influential players in little over a year, albeit for a tidy profit.

That Dave Whelan is ploughing said profit into child labour technologies is both deplorable and typical of the man.

In came former Wigan player Roberto Martinez, arriving as he did from Swansea, to take the reins of Whelan's immoral sweat shop.

A surprising opening day victory away to Villa has since been marred by a home defeat to Wolves, a 5-0 thumping by Man Utd, a 2-1 away loss to Everton and an embarrassing 4-1 defeat at Blackpool in the Carling Cup.

So they’re obviously about due for a result.

4. Nowhere Man

HeadHammer Shark’s unrequited love has left him high and dry, although for whom is still unclear.

Lucas Neill was on the verge of signing for Atletico Madrid this week, a deal which fell through at the last minute. Fellow Spanish side Real Zaragoza also declared an interest, but were perturbed by the Aussie’s wage demands. The latest is that Sunderland are to offer Neill £40,000-per-week.

Prior to the Madrid deal collapsing, Neill claimed that his motivation was the opportunity to play in the Champions League. Funny. The very same opportunity presented to him by Liverpool in 2007 didn’t stop him signing for a team in the midst of a relegation battle for a considerably higher wage.

The old excuse of 'testing himself against the best' doesn't wash either. The last time I checked John Pantsil still played in The Premier League.

Despite all his protestations (according to the man himself, a move to Madrid would represent “a brave decision”), money is clearly his only motivation. Just how many Kit Kat Chunkys can one man buy??

While I never shared HeadHammer Shark’s unbridled love of Neill, he certainly played a major role in our battle against relegation and showed glimpses of his old form towards the end of last season - when he was in the shop window.

I would have a whole lot more respect for him if he came out with the truth, or even kept his mouth shut, instead of spouting translucent platitudes.

5. The Story So Far…

We have experienced a gamut of outcomes in just the first three games of the season: a comfortable win at Wolves, a narrow and frustrating loss at home to tottenham, and a lame duck draw away at Blackburn.

Our underwhelming forays into the transfer market dictate that we must see out the next four months with a reasonably threadbare attack. I am thus far equally underwhelmed with our attempts at a 4-3-3 system, particularly as it invariably reverts to a 4-5-1 coupled with a frustrating amount of hopeful balls lobbed up to Carlton Cole.

Regardless of personnel available, we should at least explore a trusty old 4-4-2, if only to give opposition defenders something/someone else to think about and thereby freeing up more space for Big Carlton.

One of Jiminez, Dyer or Diamanti should partner the big man, with one of the remaining two floating in behind. Use Stanislas as an impact substitute and Noble, Parker and Collison/Valon Behrami to do the graft in midfield.

The industrious and popular Behrami made his return from injury in a midweek reserves 6-0 win over Birmingham, playing for an hour. In the same game Alessandro Diamanti scored twice either side of half-time, with both goals direct from free-kicks.

For a West Ham side this is as rare as me getting through any ITV football coverage without writing a death threat to the producer.

6. You And I Are Gonna Live Forever

It took no time this season for Convicted Price Fixer Dave Whelan to fire the first shot in our ceaseless war of attrition. When I heard the news that the already self-promoting JJB Stadium had been renamed The DW Stadium, my first thought was 'he's left the 'CPF' off the front.'

My second, more hysterical thought was that this immodest move from Whelan was a personal slight, one I aim to repay in kind. An attempt to re-name this blog ‘Stand Up To Suspect Northern Tradesmen’ has been met with a stony silence by my employer (who doesn’t pay me any wage, by the way).

Whelan's Stalinist attempt to add 'immortality' to his already questionable résumé does nothing for his public persona. We can only hope that in time, this vacuous monument to evil is felled as easily as Eduardo, and the armies of children toiling in Whelan’s gulags are freed.

7. Internazionale

Wednesday night saw Fabio Capello’s England book their place at the 2010 World Cup Finals in South Africa, thanks to a commanding 5-1 defeat of Croatia at Wembley Stadium.

West Ham representatives Matthew Upson and Rob Green both did well, Upson cementing his place as first reserve centreback in the absence of Rio Ferdinand, and Green notably contributing when called upon.

Green made a fine save down to his left late on and smothered the follow-up, only to concede while prostrate during the ensuing mêlée, as John Terry was on the line busily directing his mother towards some unguarded handbags.

8. The Power Of Authority

Football’s governing bodies have recently bared their teeth and for once have done so meaningfully.

Eduardo Da Silva punished retrospectively for diving against Celtic? A good thing.

Chelsea banned from transfer dealings for two years for yet again tapping up young talent? Brilliant.

‘Get up, you diving cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!’

Blackburn Rovers 0 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Two Coins For The Boatman

If you should ever find yourself watching a game of football that is worse than this debacle, then pray that your affairs are in order, for you, my friend, are in Hades.

2. What Can You Say?

I can't pretend that this article will give you great insight into the machinations of this game. In truth, there was barely anything that could warrant being described as a "machination" unless you consider two goalkeepers whacking the ball to each other to qualify.

This game was actually a terrible indictment of the Premier League and everything it has come to represent. Here were two teams playing their third games of the season and already looking as though they were each quietly content to play out an interminable 0-0 draw. Blackburn had started slowly and were without a point, meaning that Sam Allardyce was always likely to play for a draw first, whilst we were aware from home modelling our revolutionary "one striker" system as decreed by our Icelandic creditors.

It's ridiculously idealistic of course, but you would think that someone somewhere might consider that there are actual paying CUSTOMERS at these games. I don't need to see my team win necessarily, nor do I even need to see goals to be entertained but I do like to see something approaching ambition and attacking intent. I expect nothing of Allardyce, but I am disappointed in Zola (*).

(*) - Yes, I accept that we were away from home against Allardycian spoilers, and we kept a clean sheet and that our squad is put together based upon the whims of our bankers, but still - colour me disgruntled.

3. The Statistics

As much as I would love to pin the blame for this crime against football on Blackburn, we must shoulder some of the blame. Although we had the greater possession, at 54%, we did almost nothing with it and generated just a single solitary shot at goal. One! ONE! 1 against Paul Robinson. That's negligence pure and simple.

The home side had six goalbound efforts but none that I can really recalling troubling Robert Green, and in fact both keepers could probably have set up a domino table in the corner of the pitch with no noticeable impact on the end result.

Elsewhere Carlton Cole had 6 shots and managed to get just one on target. There is a word for this and that word is Darrenbentian.

4. The Opposition

A Blackburn season ticket can cost as little as £199 which is either a steal in today's over inflated market, or daylight robbery when they serve up shit like this, depending on your view. Seriously, I feel sorry for Rovers fans if this is what they can look forward to for the rest of the year. Once upon a time they were a good team with quality players. Now, they are ... not.

Of course, everyone knows what to expect from Allardyce. Your team won't be relegated with him at the helm, but at the same time you have to be prepared to leave your principles at the door and accept the terrible football that will inevitably come your way.

Allardyce always strikes me as a man using the latest cutting edge technology, algorithms and data points in order to prove that the earth is flat. Sure, we hear all about his modern approach, and he talks a decent game in terms of how he prepares his teams but you cannot ignore that they play Stone Age football.

Watching Jason Roberts chase around on his own whilst the rest of the team made sure not to over extend themselves was an early indicator that Blackburn weren't going to spend this game being hoisted on their own overly ambitious petard.

We should be better than this, but we are not. With only one striker, and two mercurial sorts behind him (Stanislas/Dyer and Jiminez) then we always seem likely to struggle if the opposition don't over commit. Our much publicised decision not to get in another striker looks even more ludicrous in the light of this game, and not only because of the inherent danger in not having cover for Cole, but also the inflexibility. We couldn't switch to 4-4-2 even if we wanted to with our current personnel. I haven't forgotten about Hines or Nouble by the way, but teenagers who haven't started a Premier League game between them are not suitable back up, no matter what the Club's PR machine tells you.

5. Flat Earth Society Meeting Boils Over

Referee looks in weirdly broken mirror

6. Transfer Window Special

Anyway, enough of this crap. I refuse to analyse this game any further. It was terrible and I strike it from my memory.

Instead lets focus on West Ham's awesome transfer window performance, which appears to have melted the interweb in East London.

Our activity was as follows:

- James Collins sold to Aston Villa for an "Undisclosed" amount, widely believed to be £5m.
- "Record signing" Savio exchanged for Fiorentina's Portugese defender Manuel da Costa and £3m.
- Herita Ilunga signed permanently! Yes, we're still counting that one!
- Alessandro Diamanti bought from Livorno for £5m (or £1.5m depending on who you believe) after sponsors SBOBet held a raffle to raise the funds.
- Luis Jiminez signed on loan from Inter Milan with an option to make the deal permanent if we find sunken treasure between now and the end of the season.
- Various unheralded European youngsters signed to lull you into thinking we are Arsenal-lite.

Based on the above do you therefore assess West Ham United's transfer policy to be:

a) An ongoing sophisticated policy of analysing a worldwide network of young talent, evaluating their place within our revolutionary new Project using relevant and cutting edge metrics before selling them on at their maximum value to be replaced with younger, cheaper options.

b) Not a policy at all, but an ongoing exercise in very well disguised asset stripping designed to service our huge debt, whilst hoping to keep us moderately attractive enough for the mythical new buyers.

c) Insane.

d) The same as it has always been since I have followed West Ham. Cash in, and spin it to the fans.

Once upon a time I believed in the Project. I really did. Even allowing for Duxbury's inclement success with oral cuddling, I was prepared to buy into the notion that someone had at last developed a cogent business model for the Club.

I didn't think that it was worth trumpeting that from the rooftops, because it did rather strike me as something that we should have been doing years ago, but none the less I concurred with the thought process. A small club like us can only pretend to compete in the ridiculously unfair market that we operate in, if we take advantage of any market inefficiencies that exist.

As such, the Club has decided to focus on developing young players, identifying reasonably priced foreigners and then extracting maximum value for older players where we have replacements available. And good for them - that is a sensible and viable business model for a team like us. Duxbury also deserves credit for his hire of Zola, who was nobody's idea of a good choice and yet he currently occupies an almost talismanic position in view of what (hasn't) happened in this transfer window.

If you look at comparable teams in other sports, they are able to achieve success with an operating model such as this and I give them credit for realising that. We cannot compete with the lunatics at Eastlands, or even the wasters at White Hart Lane, whilst we don't get the annual subsidy from UEFA like the "Big 4" so we are making some sort of attempt to equalise things outside of simply spending a load of money we don't have, a la every promoted team of the late 90's.

The fact we play in such a deliberately uncompetitive environment is not the Club's fault, and they are doing the best they can.

But here's the rub. It's mostly proven to be bullshit hasn't it?

I don't doubt that the Club is on a reasonably sound economic footing, but the problem is that we are not a single entity anymore, wrapped up as we are in an Icelandic web of bankruptcy. We cashed in last January to the tune of £20m and another £8m or so in this window. Our outgoings in that time have been nowhere near that amount, unsurprisingly, which simply highlights that this money is being used for things other than the development of our squad.

The problem is that Duxbury gave two interviews this summer, clearly stating that we would sign two strikers, that he was really clocking up the airmiles in the process of doing this, but it didn't matter because he got to go to Franco's house for barbecues.

Now, with our much touted purchase of Savio looking fairly ill judged, and no strikers signed before the deadline it rather leaves in tatters the notion that Gianluca Nani is going to save the club with his magic address book, and does leave Duxbury looking a bit shifty at best, and a flat out liar at worst.

I doubt things are going to change much until we get new owners, but my biggest area of concern is that what little money we have seems to be being spent on some strange purchases. Alessandro Diamanti, a Serie B midfield star was brought in at some expense, at a time when we were crying out for a striker. And I mean lying prostrate on the floor, wailing like a baby.

Diamanti may well turn out to be a steal. He may also turn out to be Savio. I would rather have spent the money on a slightly surer thing. (Niko Krancjar springs to mind, although he'd spring back out again fairly quickly I imagine). It's hardly news to suggest that we are light in the striking department, but it does fairly boggle the mind that we are a Cole injury or suspension away from starting 17 year old Frank Nouble up front. On his own.

And then yesterday, James Collins departed. For £5m. When Andy Turner went for £12m. *rips out spleen*.

Certainly we are equipped to replace him with Gabbidon and Tomkins, but given that he was Zola's first choice so far this season, it is fair to suggest that in the managers eyes at least, we just got weaker for no apparent gain.

At this point, the League is probably crap enough to let us tread water until January, but the problem is that I can only foresee outgoings in that window and perhaps the odd Serie B loanee coming in to give us a boost up front.

I'm not saying I want us to mimic Stoke (ever, in any sense at all), but blimey they did spend £11m in this window. So it's not that there isn't money around English football at the moment, it's more that there isn't any around East London. And I'm not sure that projects can work without any funding at all....

The H List Goes All Modern, Like

We are now on Twitter!

http://twitter.com/TheHList

We're not sure what this means. But follow us anyway. And we'll let you know when The H List is next updated.

Millwall - Through A Glass Darkly

Before I begin, a confession.

I did not go to the game on Tuesday against Millwall. There were a variety of reasons : I am still protesting the clubs disgraceful decision to remove the two free Cup games from my season ticket some 12 years ago, I am trying to save a bit of money at present and it was the last in the series of Desperate Romantics with which I am rather taken (that's a joke before anyone firebombs my house).

But since the game and the surrounding hoopla I have been rather astounded at the level, and indeed the inaccuracy of the coverage. Old pros are wheeled out to deliver platitudes and say exactly what they think they should be saying rather than anything especially insightful, whilst columnists fall over themselves to deliver "stinging broadsides" about the death of the game yet all the while they are simply regurgitating the stale nonsense that they always spout. Research? Context? Not round here guv'nor.

To my mind, any analysis of the events of Tuesday needs to separate out clearly the events inside the stadium from those outside. Some fat losers running on to the pitch in order to get themselves on the tv hardly stands comparison to a man being stabbed while walking to a game.

So let's address the stuff inside first:

Inside The Madness

One key element about this game which has been overlooked in the rush to judgement is that it kicked off at 7.45pm. A whole day and evenings worth of drinking was done prior to this match and without the contributions of Messrs Stella and Artois I imagine that things might have turned out a little differently. Prior encounters in the Championship involved Sunday morning kick offs and mounted Police by the battalion. Here, with the benefit of booze there seems to have been a groundswell of enmity which manifested itself in the second half tussles by the Dr Martens Stand.

Look, I wasn't there so I can't comment with authority but everyone I have spoken to says that the atmosphere in the ground was crackling. Slightly poisonous and certainly not friendly, but electric nonetheless. The scuffles in the corners were regrettable, but the posturing of teenagers and old men does not equal the death of English football. I post occasionally on the West Ham forum In The Brown Stuff and it was brilliantly described on there as follows:

"There is nothing quite as funny as the hate contorted face of a 19 year old, standing on a plastic seat, doing an estuary haka at the opposition fans separated by nothing other than a wall, a 30 yard DMZ, another wall, 300 stewards, 200 riot police and all the other supporters who are standing in front of him" - SurfaceAgentX2Zero

Amen to that. "Disgusting scenes" crowed Phil Thompson on Sky Sports. I'm sorry but I can't get worked up about this. Football supporters taunting and abusing each other? Wow. Some seats being chucked about? Begorrah. Certainly it's not a moment for the human race to capture for posterity and put into a time capsule, but it's not the Louisana Superdome either.

The pitch invasion is another matter entirely. I have no time for people who seek attention for themselves to the detriment of the broader cause and I hope they all get banned. These were grown men who should know better and young kids with little more than a sheep like tendency to follow the leader. I would harbour a guess that those who were on the pitch on Tuesday were not regular matchgoers. How could they be? Those of us who go each week know that the price for this transgression is a lifetime ban. Hardly worth it for the chance to appear on the back of the Metro whilst the country mocks your obesity.

This man is an embarrassment to football apparently. As opposed to the entire human race.

This isn't the first pitch invasion at a football match of course. I recall one in April 2003 when England beat Turkey on their way to qualification for Euro 2004. It wasn't on the same scale, but it was in a brighter spotlight. I have searched around for the articles published at the time demanding that England be banned from the competition and I can't find them. Weird - maybe Phil Thompson didn't see that game.

I'm not condoning anyone who runs on the pitch. It's stupid. It's beyond my ability to explain. But I don't think it marks a watershed in the return of wide scale hooliganism. If you hold a public event and 25,000 people turn up then you run the risk of there being quite a few dickheads in that number. C'est la vie - ban them, fine them, move on and save the hyperbole for something worthwhile.

Outside, In The Darkness

Events outside Upton Park appear to be very different. Again, without actually being there I can't comment with authority (although that hasn't stopped anyone in the national media), but it's safe to say that things were a little hairy.

The standard line here is that if two groups of like-minded individuals want to get together and have a punch up, then why not? Let them do it. So long as no innocent people get involved then who the hell cares? And I can almost get on board with that. I don't understand it, and I don't want to be present, but if 300 guys want to go to a car park in Beckton for a scrap then frankly it doesn't bother me.

But the problem is that this doesn't seem to be what happens. A man was stabbed at a game of football last night. I can't reconcile that. A 44 year old man who was apparently taking his teenage sons to a game of football, and he was stabbed. Facts are hard to come by from the media (they are inconvenient when an agenda has to be pursued), but it seems he was a Millwall fan who was simply in the midst of a larger crowd and paid the price. I am certain that he wasn't walking along discussing the merits of Keynesian economics and making a peace sign, but still - stabbed?

Of course, this rivalry goes back a long way, to a 1926 dockers strike if you believe the legend, but it would be a mistake to assume that the varying factors that led to violence here would be repeated elsewhere. This was two teams with a hardcore support, in the midst of a long feud, meeting in midweek and not having played against each other for a while. Add in that Millwall had reduced numbers of tickets available, and that large numbers of regular West Ham fans seem to have stayed away, allowing a casual population to attend and I would say that you have the perfect storm for a bit of civil disobedience.

Also, consider that two days earlier we played tottenham without much incident and nobody foresaw the end of civilisation. I'm not condoning violence at football, and some of the indiscriminate stuff from Tuesday was disgraceful, but I also don't condone reactionary media reporting that deals solely in platitudes and half truths.

And while we're at it let's nail some myths:

This will cost us the World Cup!

The FA have announced their desire to host the 2018 World Cup. Shaun Custis of The Sun was proudly announcing to the world this morning that there is now a SERIOUS doubt about our ability to win the bid. Now bear in mind that the internecine politics of FIFA are such that winning a World Cup is largely related to the quality of bribes made to the various delegates who make the decision.

If hooliganism made any difference then neither Holland or Germany would ever host major tournaments, yet both have done so since 2000. Crowd violence makes no difference - football is much too corrupt for that I am afraid. And Shaun Custis is a fungus.

I should be able to take my kids to this game!

This isn't a myth, per se, as it really shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility for a parent to take their child to a football game without fear of violence. Indeed it's commendable for those who decided not to be put off by the prospect of a bit of thuggery.

But here's the rub - I should be able to let my 4 year old play in my front yard. Sure it's open to the road but everyone should drive at the speed limit, and yes any passers by could grab her but those people should be locked up. Except that my ideals aren't those of the rest of the world so I can't do that, and I don't.

If you took your child to this game and were outraged at what you saw, then fair enough. If you took your child to this game and were surprised at what you saw, then you are naive in the extreme.

West Ham should be kicked out of the Cup! Or bombed!

This old chestnut. Perhaps we could get Lord Griffiths down so he can tell us what would have happened were it not for the pitch invasion.

Banning us from the tournament would be a huge step. Almost unprecedented considering the crime (I hesitate to say totally unprecedented as my memory only goes back so far), and certainly a decision that could have momentous consequences down the road. It won't happen but it's a nice easy soundbite for the faux outraged columnists to put into their articles.

This was the Police's fault!

I have yet to have it explained to me with conviction, how it can be the Police's fault if I make racist chants, or throw a bottle indiscriminately at a crowd or run on to the pitch after a goal. There is such a thing as personal responsibility and independent thought. It's kind of what sets us apart from the plants.

Sure, the Police could have done a better job of preventing the opportunities for these things to occur, but even so you don't get to blame someone else for your own actions. Well, unless you're a celebrity, obviously.

This was Junior Stanislas's fault for celebrating so ... well, at all!

Professor Phil Thompson again, criticising 19 year old Junior Stanislas for not realising how his celebration would incite a pitch invasion and a "riot" and the sacking of Constantinople. Sounds reasonable. Oh no, wait...it's actually bollocks once again.

Phil was saying all this whilst commentating for Sky Sports. They obviously condemn any kind of football violence as evidenced by the adverts they were carrying for the new hooligan film "The Firm" and the fact that they showed "Green Street" for several months on their movie channels. You see, they hate football violence. Unless it's profitable.

It was disrespectful to Jack Collison!

Many media types were aghast that fans were running on the pitch while Jack Collison was suffering through the loss of his father. Try as I might I am unable to find any kind of link between these two things. If you take that line of thinking further, then it was also disrespectful to Calum Davenport but I haven't heard anyone mentioning that. Running on the pitch is stupid, it doesn't matter who is playing on the pitch at the time.

West Ham fans are in good shape!

Seriously, why have you taken your top off? You're shaming the rest of us, man.

I appreciate that not everyone is going to be ripped like me, but for the love of God if you have to be fat and a total prick at least keep your bloody shirt on...

An H List Special: A Battle For Hearts And Minds

1. The Headlines

Good morning, and welcome to a special edition of the widely derided H List.

In the news this week, Senator Edward Kennedy has died of cancer at the age of 77, bringing to an end the largest political dynasty in American history, and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown came under increasing pressure over the early release of convicted Lockerbie bomber, Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi.

Oh, and West Ham are directly responsible for our crumbling society having raised armies of the undead to kill the firstborn of every taxpayer in the country.

2. Out Of The Frying Pan And Into The Fire

Everyone knows by now that West Ham vs Millwall on Tuesday night is the malignant parasite at the core of our rotting society.

I am in no way condoning the behaviour of all those who fought through the night, but for those who were there it was obvious that an undeniable link existed between the aggro and the atmosphere.

To enjoy one is not to applaud the other, but this was the best atmosphere I have experienced at Upton Park since the stadium went all-seater. Right through the 120-minutes there was a palpable and increasing tension, the whole place charged with the anticipation of what could happen.

Millwall’s early goal stoked the fire and it simmered continually until exploding into the almighty roar which greeted Junior Stanislas’ 88th-minute equaliser.

I’m trying to strike the right tone here, balancing how I felt without wanting to come across as a thug endorser, but so far as the crowd dynamic went, I loved every minute of it.

Likely punishment will involve a fine and a stern talking to, but more pointedly, in the aftermath of the furore, this could arguably signal the last time that such an atmosphere on such a scale is generated at Upton Park.

If they could be fostered regularly without the stabbings and burning buses, then football would be better off.

3. Fever Pitch

To an extent, it appears as if the three pitch invasions during the second half have caused more umbrage among the even-handed media than the rioting outside.

The fact is that only around fifty morons with an average age of 17 ran onto the pitch, using mobile phones to record their audition tapes for ‘Green Street 3 – Scraping The Barrel’. They were immediately subject to a cacophony of booing from the remaining 24,000 in the stands.

True, there was a kerfuffle over in Chav Corner towards the end of the match, but to describe it as “sickening” and akin to scenes of the late-70’s and early-80’s is bunkum.

I thought the policing inside the stadium was if anything, a little light. I expected a bigger Police presence for such a high-risk encounter and it would have dissuaded a lot of the ICF-wannabes from storming onto the pitch.

4. Back To The Studio….

As I was at the game, I was spared the painstaking analysis by every news channel in the country, but have since been informed of the considered approach of Sky Sports and their experienced journalist and ex-Liverpool player, Phil ‘Gonzo’ Thompson.

From what I gather, the erudite and disciplined reporting went as follows:

Anchor: Disturbing scenes at Upton Park, Phil – what’s happening?

Thompson: Aagh, this is sickening. This is not what we want to see at a football match, we thought these days were over.

Producer in Phil’s earpiece: That’s good, Phil. Use more emotive language.

Thompson: They’re scum these people

Producer: I like it

Thompson: It may be early, but I don’t think it’s an overstatement to suggest that we’re witnessing the end of civilisation

Producer: Don’t overplay it, Phil. Report the scene…

Thompson: There are people all over the pitch. Horrific scenes. A man in a wheelchair has just dropped his hotdog. He’d only just bought it. I’m disgusted. Both Clubs should be disbanded. I haven’t seen such mayhem since…

Anchor: Heysel?

Producer: Aaaand... cut to the live feed

Anchor: We can now cross live to our roving reporter on Green Street. Steve?

Reporter: You join me in a war-zone. I’m in a war-zone! The mayhem and violence is disorientating, I feel as if I’m losing myself in the blood and the guts. I... I can’t be sure, but I think I saw Hammers fans invoking the spirit of Pol Pot.

Anchor (to camera): Sky Sports understands West Ham have instigated regime change in a bid to revive the tyranny of the Khmer Rouge, live on Sky Sports. Steve, you're live on Sky Sports, can you describe the scenes? Live? On Sky Sports?

Reporter: Policemen running for their lives, the unmistakeable stench of bloodlust in the air, I can imagine West Ham fans feasting upon the corpses of pensioners. I can’t see it, but I can certainly imagine it.

Anchor (to camera): Disturbing reports there of cannibalism on Green Street. Another Sky Sports exclusive. Steve, just how does a normal person deal with these everyday east London scenes?

Reporter: I simply don’t know. I’m unsettled and confused. I just phoned my mum to tell her to piss off for no reason. I’ve never done that before, and for that reason can only attribute these actions directly to West Ham United. Back to you...

Anchor: Startling testimony there from our reporter. Phil, what's the situation inside the ground?

Producer: Let’s embellish a little. No-one at home has the pictures to prove you wrong.

Thompson: They’re burning kids. I don’t believe it. They’re tying kids to the crossbar and burning them

Producer: Say ‘scum’ again.

Thompson: Scum.

Producer: And ‘death’.

Thompson: Scum and death.

5. Considered Opinion

OK, so the above may have been dramatised by about 5%.

Generally, West Ham have come off worse in the media analysis of Tuesday night, probably down to the sheer disparity in numbers, but we all know that Millwall fans are no shrinking violets.

I can not believe that anyone with an interest in football could have thought that there wasn’t going to be trouble at this game, and while rioting is obviously not the way to conduct oneself, all those who took young children to the match showed equally poor judgement.

The amount of calls to Radio 5 Live afterwards which began with the phrase ‘I took my 4-year old along tonight. I’m stunned…’ beggared belief. What did you expect? To be greeted at the gates by Kris Akabusi and a party-bag?

Now wouldn't that be something.

6. Picture Book


The Daily Mail ensured they had a photographer at the scene to underpin their journalistic integrity

6. It's A Funny Old Game

Tuesday night was an unsual experience, although I daresay some of that conclusion has been tainted by the ceaseless coverage since.

In this age of information saturation, journalists do their research on Wikipedia, anything published on the internet is given unwarranted credence and any old mug (ahem...) can publish something for public consumption.

The worrying thing is how easily some people so readily accept what they're spoonfed and how many others can knowingly present and publish ill-conceived opinion as fact.

Thankfully, here at The H List no-one listens to our opinions and were someone to do so, that would be grounds enough to disregard anything else they ever said.

8. Jack The Lad

A special mention this week for Jack Collison.

In light of his father’s recent death, no-one expected him to feature on Tuesday.

Having received a lengthy ovation, Collison held his own during the match and was also the main force in trying to shepherd the morons from the field during the pitch invasions.

At the end of what must have been an incredibly emotional night for him, he was escorted from the field in tears to the heartfelt applause of the crowd.

Hats off to you, Jack. As if you weren't already, your conduct and composure cemented you in our thoughts that night.

9. What Preview?

Oh yeah, we’re away to Blackburn on Saturday.

West Ham 1 - 2 tottenham hotspur (And Other Ramblings)

1. Scene 1

(Interior, darkly lit): Gianfranco Zola is stood on a stepladder whispering conspiratorially in Carlton Cole's ear:

Zola: "Caroltone...conspiratorially"
Cole: "What?"
Zola: "Nothing, it's just a bad joke between me and HeadHammerShark"
Cole: "That prick"
Zola: "You said it. Now listen - Fabio Capello is here today
Cole: (brightening) "To see me"
Zola: (uncertainly) "Er, sure, he will see you, yes"
Cole: "Excellent. I'm gonna play more brillianter than usual"
Zola: "Your use of language is as esoteric as ever"
Cole: (beaming) "Thanks!"
Zola: "Yes, anyway I suspect he is here to see whether or not you can link up with Defoe. This is important Caroltone, because you could go to the World Cup if you do well this year. Good link play is the key. Got it."
Cole: "Yes, sure"
Zola: "OK, I've got to go. Duxbury is wanting to sort out another fucking barbecue. All I want is a striker and he keeps going on about discussing his bloody project over a nice glass of Beaujolais. I've got Frank Nouble on the bench, who I have literally met twice and needs help with his fucking homework and they've got Crouch. It's a bloody joke...(fades)"
Cole: (aloud, to himself) "Hang on. Defoe plays for them doesn't he? Not us? So how do I link up with Defoe today? Hmm ..."

2. I Did Find This Slightly Funny


3. The Statistics

This always seemed to have the makings of an even enough game, and so it proved as we had 5 efforts on target to the visitors 6, and split possession 47:53 in their favour. To slightly redress this balance it should be pointed out that both sides mustered only 3 efforts at goal from inside the respective penalty areas and tellingly tottenham scored from two.

Once more the offensive load for us fell squarely on the shoulders of Carlton Cole who did a fair impression of a battering ram. He had 6 efforts at goal, scored once and drew 3 fouls which was tied for most in the match. In short, up until he had a brain fade and gifted the undeserved equaliser, he was giving the visitors an extremely tough time.

Another interesting if only slightly apropos number, is £103m. This is the amount of money that tottenham have spent in the last 12 months on their playing staff. Consider that Manchester City operate on another plane altogether, and then realise that no team has spent more than spurs in that time. For comparison Chelsea and Arsenal have spent £69.8m combined in the same period.

This outlay has yielded tottenham an 8th place finish (to follow up 11th the year before). I am not saying this to mock them neccesarily, but to point out that whilst we all crave an injection of cash into our club it is worth pausing to examine what it can look like when done badly. Let's just say that if I was Joe Lewis/ENIC I think I might want a little more bang for my buck.

4. The Opposition

When noted Hammers fan John Cleese finalised his divorce last week he had to agree to a settlement that left his 3rd wife richer than he was. Cleese responded by saying "I got off lightly. Imagine what I would have had to give her if she contributed anything". It's a nice line, and pretty funny and it did feel appropriate this weekend as the tottenham fans sang "2-1 in your Cup Final" whilst celebrating as though they had a won a ... Cup Final.

You see, a lot of us find tottenham fans hard to take for the obvious reasons, but it's the delusions of grandeur that grate the most. However, I would always say to any suffering Hammers - it could be worse. Imagine what they would be like if they were actually successful? Seriously, they spend money like a Champions League team and invariably waste it on players who aren't quite good enough to play at that level and therefore can't progress them to that point. I don't doubt that Harry Redknapp will push them further forward this season, with some good signings like Crouch and Palacios helping, no doubt, but as for whether they can challenge the "Big 4" or even the next tier such as Villa and Man City it's probably too early to tell.

I do wish that Jermain Defoe still played for us though.

5. Scene 2

(Interior, Carlton Cole's head, words cannot accurately describe the setting):
Cole: "Blimey, it's hot"
Cole's Id: "Whatever, Carlton. We're doing alright today. A goal would be good"
Cole: "Yeah, you might be right. I don't think this geezer can contain me"
Cole's Id: "Well he is Sebastien Bassong"
Cole: "Yeah, he is. How much did they pay for him again?"
Cole's Id: "Not relevant Carlton. How about that goal then?"
(Ball arrives in the air. Cole controls and turns on his left foot)
Cole: "It's on my left foot. I'm not so good with my left"
Cole's Id: "Just spank it. Fabio likes stuff like that"
Cole: "Alright, where's Bassong?"
Cole's Id: "On his arse"

(WALLOP)

(Crowd goes wild. Fades...)

6. The Referee

I'd never claim to be a fan of Mark Clattenburg. In fact, I doubt any football fan anywhere considers themself to be a "fan" of a referee, but he didn't do much to win me over here. That said, I am still not a subscriber to the theory that a referee can be directly responsible for a defeat.

Ho hum, should have sent off Defoe, just for a larf.

7. Scene 3

(Exterior, Upton Park, Centre Circle):

Cole: "I just scored. That's pretty good. Fabio will dig that I reckon. Mind you, there wasn't any link play there. Of course, there isn't anyone for me to actually link with these days. Not since they started that Project where they sell all the players and replace them with Jonathan Spector. I wonder what I should do".

(Ball is suddenly played to Cole by Assou-Ekotto)

Cole: "Blimey. That was a terrible ball. Now for some link up play. Hang on - there's Jermain. Free as a bird. I could slip him in here"

(Plays Puskas-esque through ball)

Cole: "Oh shit - hang on..."

8. Kudos

I enjoyed significant chunks of this performance, largely because it convinced me that this wafer thin squad might yet be able to transcend their own limitations and compete at the sharp(er) end of the league.

Bright spots included Noble and the aforementioned Carlton Cole, who continued to excel in our new 4-3-3 formation. Kieron Dyer sadly but predictably failed to appear having made a whopping 73 minute appearance at Wolves. His replacement Junior Stanislas was also promising as he gave Vedran Corluka a torrid time raiding up our left wing.

Behind him Jonathan Spector coped alright with a tough assignment on his weaker side against Aaron Lennon. Now Lennon is a notionally good player, who sounds a lot better than he actually is. That he scored a goal with his left foot will probably see that part of our penalty area designated as a World Heritage Site, and as such I can't criticise the passage of play beforehand. Spector showed his man in on his weaker foot, and then chose a remarkably inopportune time to fall over. C'est la vie, except that it does seem to happen with alarming frequency against this lot...

9. Department Of The Totally Obvious

We don't have enough strikers. I'm only writing it down just so that I don't look as though I didn't realise this in a few months time.

10. I Still Hate You

Welcome to a new, regular feature of the column ... amusing pictures of Phil Brown. And by amusing, I mean amusing for us rather than for him.

"Phil Brown sings on the pitch at Hull. Yes, you read that right."

11. An Addendum

I have been debating whether or not to write anything about this, but it seems strange not to do so considering that I am a West Ham fan and blogger. Calum Davenport was stabbed in the legs this weekend, and Jack Collison's 46 year old father was killed on the way to watch the game.

I can offer little if anything that is cogent or relevant at a time like this. Neither man will ever read this blog, and I am fortunate enough to not have experienced either event so I'm hardly what you'd call useful. None the less I wish them both well and hope that they can recover in their own way. Sure, it's mawkish and sentimental but some things do transcend football and I think I'd feel worse if I didn't write something here...

West Ham United vs tottenham hotspur: Match Preview - 23/08/2009

1. Opposition

What more is to be said about tottenham?

If this blog had any grounds whatsoever to complain about being over-worked, then I could be forgiven for simply cutting and pasting Spurs-related articles from one season to the next.

Let’s see, this year they are apparently well placed to steal Champions League qualification.

Previous seasons of chronic under-achievement are a thing of the past and their prudent squad additions of the summer see them with the best-equipped squad outside the Big Four.

As part of their revolving-door transfer policy, they have re-signed a partially effective, partially redundant striker on the fringes of the England squad, whilst incurring a sizeable loss.

They continue to be managed by a man with all the financial scruples of a cash-strapped Dick Turpin.

Unfortunately, they have been in good nick so far this season, looking the better team against Liverpool on opening day and putting five past Hull City in midweek. But, as the saying goes, all that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

2. They Seek Him Here, They Seek Him There

Our imperative pursuit of a striker continues apace, along with the need for the Club to again refute speculation of the need to sell.

The lack of progress with either Luca Toni or Eidur Gudjohnsen hints that those deals may now be dead, only to be replaced with the prospect of French-born, Moroccan international, Marouane Chamakh.

Chamakh has already been linked with Arsenal this season, but the stoic Wenger sneered through the smoke of his slim Panatella at the asking price, only willing to offer Bordeaux the £5million he found down the back of the Chesterfield in his palatial office.

Chamakh arguably offers a better prospect than other targets as while unproven in English football, he is just 25-years of age.

His contract with the French Champions does, however, expire next summer and he is rumoured to be keen on seeing out this deal and joining Arsenal on a free next year, enjoying the benefits of the signing-on fee and Royal Doulton china tea-set he can expect.

3. History

Last season’s corresponding fixture is the nadir of Gianfranco Zola’s tenure.

To go down 2-0 with barely a whimper was a real disappointment and almost as unexpected as the sight of Ledley King putting Spurs one up. This is a man with a compacted ball of biscuit crumbs for a knee, out-jumping our entire defence at a corner.

Always striving for improvement in the exasperation stakes, we then allowed none other than feared Scot, Jamie O’Hara to score a 25-yard thunderbolt on the break, having just seen a Carlton Cole effort cleared off the line in the dying seconds.

Everyone left the stadium that night ruefully staring at their bootlaces, cursing the players for a sore lack of effectiveness.

Our recent history against tottenham has been a source of embarrassment for some years, particularly as one assumes that the fixture’s importance to the fans must filter through to the players, from a Mark Noble, a Fanzine or a disgruntled Pearly King.

Harry’s voodoo over us since leaving Upton Park only adds to the chagrin and this is certainly an opponent against whom we are owed a performance or two.

4. Land Of The Giants

With the World Cup less than a year away, competition for places is hotting up and opportunities to shine drying up.

It’s clear that Fabio Capello plans on using a big target man and the two main contenders should be on view this Sunday.

Peter Crouch returned to his boyhood club this summer for £9million and continues to cast his hat into the ring by showing just what can be done with Twiglets for legs, a fit girlfriend and a cheeky one-liner.

He has however been ousted in recent months by our own Carlton Cole, who has shown sufficient form to be considered the current front-runner.

While fairly evenly matched in the air and on the deck, Cole is better at holding off opponents and bringing others into play, thanks to having upper body strength superior to that of an elderly meerkat.

If he can add 20 goals this season, he should be able to see off that rampaging super spider once and for all.

5. Picture Book

Harry Redknapp enjoyed 'catching up' with Luis Boa Morte

6. Hey, Big Spender

tottenham’s main signings this summer were Sebastian Bassong from Newcastle and Peter Crouch from Portsmouth.

Redknapp has fashioned an image as a crafty, wheeler-dealer type, adept at unearthing lesser known talents or conjuring an Indian Summer out of the odd veteran.

It often goes unreported however that for every Paolo DiCanio, there is a Florin Raducioiu, for every Marc Vivien-Foe, a Marco Boogers.

More recently, ‘Arry has adopted the guise of Fagin, a wizened old degenerate not to be trusted, who can call upon a regular gabble of adoring, uneducated halfwits, happy to follow him wherever the biggest bag of swag decrees.

I look forward to the day when Redknapp takes the natural Dickensian progression onto a Miss Faversham, whirling around the centre circle of Upton Park ablaze in a crumpled wedding dress.

7. Prophet And Loss

In last week’s preview for Wolves, I omitted a section at the last minute demanding improvement from Mark Noble.

I proffered the opinion that he has had plenty of time to consolidate his first team spot and while he is often solid, this is the season to take it up a notch and assert himself as a proper goal-scoring midfielder.

His display on Saturday therefore came as bittersweet, for I am now unable to contend that either Noble or indeed anyone takes on board a single thing written in these pages.

This week I have omitted a section whereby I make a cracking argument for Jermaine Defoe’s assassination and am eager to see how that pans out.

Wolves 0 - 2 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Welcome Back

I considered writing a season preview - Hell, I might even still do it - but I didn't want to overwhelm you with more than one post during a summer.

As such, we pick up where we left off, under a sweltering sun playing against a team who don't appear to be good enough for this division. Which is not to say that I really expected us to win this game, but merely to emphasise that things don't really seem all that different to last year to me.

2. Doom! And Gloom!

This was painted by the media as a decidedly tricky game to begin with. Away to a promoted side, who would be revelling in their Premiership experience and boosted by a boisterous home crowd. Now, I'm really not sure that a crowd can ever have that much impact on a game of football, and certainly not enough to make Jody Craddock into a Premiership footballer. He is after all, intrinsically still Jody Craddockian.

So while I'm not denying that the atmosphere at a football game can be inspirational, I simply can't agree that the basic skills of the participants can be altered by singing "Hi Ho Silver Lining".

There is no doubt, however, that promoted sides can be tricky to face on opening day, as evidenced by their record over the past 4 years - 5 wins, 4 draws, 3 losses - in their opening home fixtures. So, yes, this was a valuable win, but it won't look quite so flash after everyone else has won at Molineux by next May.

3. The Statistics

On another day this game could have ended up differently. Certainly we were the better team but I am not sure that we were dominant, so much as comfortable. As is often the case for newly promoted teams, our attacking play had a sharper edge to it, and the goal from Noble, especially, was evidence of the higher class of player available to us.

Overall, we shaded possession at 53% and crucially had twice as many efforts on target as the home side with 10 to their 5. We also managed to get caught offside 7 times which, frankly, hurts my spleen.

Robert Green was called into action early in the second half by Nenad Milijas, Wolves new signing, who astutely realised that most of his team mates were pretty crap and therefore that he was going channel Martin Petrov, and shoot at every opportunity no matter where he was on the pitch. Apart from this 5 minute shooting gallery, there was little to perturb our back four, even allowing for the mysterious presence of Julien Faubert at right back.

4. The Opposition

Yes, it's early, and yes they had a few injuries but Wolves weren't especially impressive here. Both Kightly and Doyle were out with injuries, thus depriving them of arguably their two best players for all I know, although admittedly if forced to write all I know about Wolves I would need only a HB pencil and the back of a postage stamp.

Doubtless for Wolves, they would have viewed this as an eminently winnable game given our historic propensity to travel with all the strength of the Zimbabwean dollar. Sadly for them, this is a different West Ham, and apart from the aforementioned little flurry after half time, there wasn't much to see here.

Of course, since then they have won at Wigan which should encourage them that the League is filled with quite a lot of dross, and if I were them I wouldn't consider it an impossible task to finish above any of Burnley, Hull, Stoke, Wigan, Blackburn, Birmingham or Bolton. I'd have to assume that less Greg Halford would be more beneficial though.

5. The Referee

Chris Foy is a referee about whom I can recall very little off the top of my head. In this game there wasn't a huge amount to get excited about, although naturally the home fans declared themselves tremendously aggrieved about most of the early decisions.

Again - less Greg Halford would help here.

6. I Love You

Gianfranco Zola appears to have mastered the "Wachoofuckinlookinat" pose.

Before we get too much further into the season I wanted to commit to print a brief discourse on the tremendous job that Zola is doing. In the face of overwhelming odds (i.e: Scott Duxbury thought it was a good idea), Zola was awarded the job last season and barring a stumble in November he has been stellar ever since.

Looked at in a vacuum, the results aren't especially wondrous, but the turnaround in the style of play, and the general resilience has been a marvellous thing to behold. As the squad has become gradually weaker, Zola has fashioned a pattern of play and a method which remains constant even as the personnel change.

Even last year he was winning at places like Stoke with only Tristan and di Michele to call upon up front, which is like successfully invading Russia with a boy scout troop.

It was exactly that kind of fortitude that showed here again. Cole up front with Jiminez and Dyer behind definitely smacked of being too lightweight for this game, but in the end we were very worthy winners.

Zola's greatest challenge may very well be off the pitch, as he struggles to preserve his squad in the face of the potential asset stripping ahead, but whatever it is that he is doing is working and he deserves huge praise for the job currently being done.

(Beating tottenham would be, like totally alright though Franco).

7. I Hate You

Phil Brown appears to have mastered the "I'mafuckintwat" pose.

Apropos of nothing much at all but Phil Brown appeared on national television dressed like this at the weekend. Even if you disagree with the points made at No. 6, then you'd have to agree that things could certainly be worse.

(Many thanks to loyalish reader Liam for the heads up on this crime against Jean Paul Gaultier)

8. Kudos

Mark Noble's opener was beautifully taken and certainly the first of it's type that I can recall us scoring for quite a while. My suspicion is that had it not gone in he would have been denied a place at Kieron and Carlton's Family Poker game on the bus ride home as both were better placed. great strike though, big season for Noble, World Cup blah blah blah *blows head off*.

9. Slightly Less Kudos

Jonathan Spector came on for a somewhat dazed Herita Ilunga, and proceeded to have three touches of the ball that were not so much "good" as "totally egregious". No harm came of it, and I still like Spector's attitude, versatility and haircut, but Christ he could only have started this season worse if he'd somehow impaled Robert Green.

10. Welcome Back!

Glad to have you all back reading again. Beluga and I have sat down and really analysed our output last season and decided that, yes, we really are quite lazy. So now you know...

Wolverhampton Wanderers vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 15/08/2009

1. Is It That Time Already?

It could be a case of "art" imitating life, or more likely a chronic lack of preparation, but I have followed West Ham's lead by leaving it 'til the last possible moment before preparing in earnest for the start of a new season.

Like the Hammers, the odd pass may go astray, I may not be at 100% match fitness, but thankfully we both have access to those splendid halftime hot-dogs - 'the greatest in the world'.

2. Opposition

We open our account this season with the glamour tie of the round - a visit to Wolverhampton. As uninspiring as this may be, it is the proverbial banana skin and a game from which I would be happy to escape with a draw.

Wolves have been guided to the Premier League by manager Mick McCarthy, who has been in the hot-seat there for three years.

I admire McCarthy for the way he stood up to Roy Keane's shameful mutiny in World Cup 2002 while he was Republic of Ireland manager, but am less enamoured with his association with Millwall (see you on the 25th).

Regardless of his team's competitiveness (McCarthy's Premiership win percentage is a staggering 5.4%), he will doubtless provide some competition for Steve Bruce in the Angular Hooter stakes.

Their biggest and somewhat surprising signing of the summer was that of Kevin Doyle from Reading for £6.5million. The Irish international was briefly linked with us last season (primarily by HeadHammer Shark) and his form this year will be key to Wanderer's survival.

Wolves have also very recently confirmed the season-long loan of Michael Mancienne from Chelsea. The mini-Predator will likely feature this weekend.

3. Summer Signings

In the not too distant past, we have made some close-season signings as ropey as Madonna's arms. This year we decided to buck that trend by making hardly any.

Our transfer activity has been altogether more subdued than... well, anyone. The standout moment came early on with the loan acquisition of playmaker Luis Jiminez from Inter Milan.

Jiminez is supposed to be the kind of player we've sorely lacked since the days of Benayoun and Tevez, and he displayed some nice, composed touches against Napoli in our last pre-season friendly.

Swiss left-back Fabio Daprela was another signing and a permanent one, signing a 5-year deal from the best named club in Europe, Grasshoppers Club Zurich.

Other than that, Luis Boa Morte od'd on Chinese opium again and will spend around 5-months zig-zagging his way back from the Far East.

For all Carlton Cole's excellent work, we are in dire need of a striker who is not hooked up to all manner of life-support machines.

Luca Toni of Bayern Munich and Eidur Gudjohnsen of Barcelona have both been touted recently and for me, it's Gudjohnsen all the way. I've seen Toni miss some absolute sitters for club and country, and LBM's got that market cornered thank you very much.

Also, if Julian Faubert starts at right-back ahead of Jonathan 'The Scourge Of Brazil' Spector, then we may as well all pack up and go home now.

4. How Much Is That Aussie In The Window?

One of the more protracted stories of the summer has been the next thunderous step in the career of tubby old Lucas Neill.

Neill rejected our intial contract offer, undoubtedly due to money as we were no longer willing to pay a King's ransom for his services.

Rumours persisted of a move to Galatasaray, then Man City, then Sunderland and it emerged this week that there remains an offer on the table from West Ham, which Neill has graciously put "on the shortlist", nestling as it does between 'bags more cash' and 'don't forget to buy four-dozen apple turnovers'.

Neill is obviously not alone in his mindset as a money-grabbing professional footballer, and his previous isn't good seeing as he chose us over Liverpool. But, attempting to adopt a neutral perspective, given his age, the fact he is captain, his already sizeable bank balance and his near-guaranteed place in our starting XI, money-aside I fail to see where he will get a better deal.

But cash is king and only time will tell what Lucas values more - a few extra grand a week or professional pride and access to 'the greatest hot-dogs in the world'.

5. History

We haven't played Wolves since our last stint in The Championship in 2004/'05, when our visit to Molineux resulted in a 4-2 defeat.

Hater-of-the-handicapped, Glenn Hoddle was in charge at the time and with things all square at 2-2 after 60 minutes, up stepped 'JUDAS!' Paul Ince to score a third before Carl Cort put things beyond us.

We have only managed two wins from our last seven visits to Wolves, but these matches span the last 25-years and can not fairly reflect the present day, so this sentence is largely useless.

The danger is of course that Wolves are newly-promoted and brimming with pre-season optimism. It will be a packed house and one promoted team always gets off to a flyer.

Failing a dominant display of total football from ourselves, we're pretty much on a hiding to nothing.

6. Picture Book

Joe public is asked for his verdict on the new home kit: