1. Our New White Elephant
At exactly 12.32pm on Saturday I was giggling away as Gianluca Pazzini walloped in the first ever goal at the new Wembley. Naturally he was being marked by a West Ham centre half at the time but it amused me none the less.
What surprised me most about the new Wembley was not the padded seats, the Somme like pitch or the Seafood and Champagne bar (although that was something of a shock) but rather the people inhabiting the stadium.
I was surrounded by thousands of what I could only describe as "young people". Now Mama Shark insists that I too was once an infant but I can't remember it. Anyway, had aliens landed at Wembley on Saturday, were it not for the game of football going on, they would have assumed that this was some sort of Fake Jamaican Accent Convention.
Or, as I believe they like to be known, 'The National Association of Innit'.
2. The Game
Starting with the Under-21 game first then. This was rather like watching a training game, to nobody's great surprise.
The Italians were significantly better than England, employing the highly unusual tactic of passing and moving. England were somewhat lacklustre, with only David Bentley really displaying an international class technique. But he looks like the sort of chap who doesn't return his library books so I hold that against him.
Alarmingly there were several English players on the pitch who looked simply clueless against the swift, highly skilled Italian attackers. Certainly not least amongst equals were our very own Anton Ferdinand and Nigel Reo-Coker. Ferdinand, especially was woeful. Perhaps his nan was ill again.
3. The Evening Blues: Israel 0 - 0 England
Tel Aviv was a laugh wasn't it? The only thing that surprises me about England anymore is that anyone is surprised at all.
Look at the players: Andy Johnson, Phil Neville, Paul Robinson, Jamie Carragher (at left back), Aaron Lennon (at left midfield) - these are not international class footballers.
Look at the manager: Here is a man whose Middlesbrough team were so dull that local children used to deliberately get sent to detention on Saturday's so they didn't have to go and watch the crap on display at The Riverside.
Be still my beating heart.
4. The Middle 8
Interesting to see the rest of the country catching up on the Francis Lampard bandwagon and throwing themselves headlong on to it.
By my reckoning Lampard in an England shirt has now reverted to being the player he was at West Ham. A near useless central playmaker whose only contribution is to take up good attacking positions and score the occasional goal. Unlike at Chelsea, where the team are dominant and he has Essien to do all his running and Makalele to do all of his defensive work, this England team are middling at best.
With so little creativity, England require a player in the central role who makes things happen rather than reacting to them. For all his undeniable talents, this is not Lampard. There is a fellow at Liverpool who might fit the bill, but we're busy marooning him on the right.
5. Department Of Delusion : Part 342
Andy Johnson is a better option for England than Jermain Defoe.
Possibly the maddest decision taken by an Englishman since someone decided to try and set the River Thames on fire to celebrate the Millennium.
6. Trying To Open The Andorra: Andorra 0 - 3 England
Like a school bully smashing up the little kid at the back of the bike shed, this was a thoroughly unrewarding victory.
The absence of Lampard allowed Gerrard the dominant central role that I've been demanding since 2 paragraphs ago, and look how it paid off. If only Maclaren read The H List.
I will reiterate my earlier point however. It seems churlish to me to question the players desire to represent their country. One does not reach international level without having a near maniacal thirst for personal success.
Therefore, for instance, I do not hold Stewart Downing responsible for his continued ineptness. I'm sure he cares, I'm just equally sure that it's irrelevant because he appears to have no control over his feet. Even more sadly, he may actually be the best option we currently have on the left which is indicative of the gradual lowering of quality required to be an England international in recent years.
7. Why Gerrard Should Be Captain
Exhibit A your honour. Not that two goals against Andorra should be anybody's job application but I have been stating for some time now that John Terry shouldn't be in England's team, let alone the captain.
Shouting loudly at your team mates whilst being continually turned inside out by international class strikers does not a skipper make. I'd rather hitch my wagon to the man who inspired the comeback at Istanbul and then made me cry for a fortnight last May.
Why we haven't made Gerrard the centrepiece of our national team for the past 5 years is a mystery. Instead Maclaren seems determined to shoehorn in as many 'big name' players (and Downing) as he can, in a vain attempt to replace tactical nous with Premiership derring do. And look how well it's working.
8. Your Summer Plans For 2008
You might want to get into cricket and Wimbledon innit.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Blackburn Rovers 1 - 2 West Ham (And Other Miracles)
1. Just In Case You'd Forgotten
"Win" - verb (used without object)
1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.
2. to succeed by striving or effort:
3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary.
I'm not so sure about the effort bit but there you go.
2. How It Happened
Another day, another abject away defeat. What a great half time talk from Curbs, splendid defending, they'll get their customary poxy second goal soon, when did Etherington come on? Hang on a minute, that's a penalty! That's a penalty! He'll miss, it's West Ham. He scored, Christ, the world's gone all Mariah Carey, That linesman is eagle eyed, hang on, how the hell did we not score there? We did score? How, when? Wait, who cares? God bless the Soviet bloc and their legacy to linesmen everywhere. 4 minutes? We'll never hold on, my heart can't take it. Just blow the whistle!
*Passes out*
3. Those Inspirational Messages
Here is a very interesting statistic. Since Alan Curbishley took over we have conceded 27 league goals in 13 games. "That's a very weird definition of interesting" I hear you say.
Well, what's most interesting (or disturbing) about that fact is that no less than 7 of those goals have come in the 15 minutes immediately after half time.
So, essentially a quarter of the goals we have conceded have come just after our inspirational leader has had the chance to rally his troops. I must say I find that interesting.
It's not all his fault I suppose. I'm pretty sure that he didn't say to Marlon Harewood on Saturday - "Hey Marlon, when we're marking up at corners, make sure you fall asleep whilst standing up. No harm can come of that".
4. The Statistics
We had 53% possession and turned that into 7 shots on target, as opposed to Blackburn's 3. Why do I feel like we were rubbish for 70 minutes then? Ah, the vagaries of being a football fan.
Clearly the best statistic of the day is that Bobby Zamora had 4 shots on target, none of which went in, and still scored a goal. Hurrah for myopia!
Marlon Harewood also committed 5 fouls which must be some sort of somnambulant record. He'll have to take pills for sleepfouling.
5. The Opposition
"Win" - verb (used without object)
1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.
2. to succeed by striving or effort:
3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary.
I'm not so sure about the effort bit but there you go.
2. How It Happened
Another day, another abject away defeat. What a great half time talk from Curbs, splendid defending, they'll get their customary poxy second goal soon, when did Etherington come on? Hang on a minute, that's a penalty! That's a penalty! He'll miss, it's West Ham. He scored, Christ, the world's gone all Mariah Carey, That linesman is eagle eyed, hang on, how the hell did we not score there? We did score? How, when? Wait, who cares? God bless the Soviet bloc and their legacy to linesmen everywhere. 4 minutes? We'll never hold on, my heart can't take it. Just blow the whistle!
*Passes out*
3. Those Inspirational Messages
Here is a very interesting statistic. Since Alan Curbishley took over we have conceded 27 league goals in 13 games. "That's a very weird definition of interesting" I hear you say.
Well, what's most interesting (or disturbing) about that fact is that no less than 7 of those goals have come in the 15 minutes immediately after half time.
So, essentially a quarter of the goals we have conceded have come just after our inspirational leader has had the chance to rally his troops. I must say I find that interesting.
It's not all his fault I suppose. I'm pretty sure that he didn't say to Marlon Harewood on Saturday - "Hey Marlon, when we're marking up at corners, make sure you fall asleep whilst standing up. No harm can come of that".
4. The Statistics
We had 53% possession and turned that into 7 shots on target, as opposed to Blackburn's 3. Why do I feel like we were rubbish for 70 minutes then? Ah, the vagaries of being a football fan.
Clearly the best statistic of the day is that Bobby Zamora had 4 shots on target, none of which went in, and still scored a goal. Hurrah for myopia!
Marlon Harewood also committed 5 fouls which must be some sort of somnambulant record. He'll have to take pills for sleepfouling.
5. The Opposition
Maybe Blackburn normally play a bit better than this but I thought they were woeful. Any team that can only muster three attempts on target against our defence just isn't trying hard enough.
Mark Hughes was understandably miffed at the end. There were a couple of minor refereeing decisions that went against his team but come on Mark - who or what is a Matt Derbyshire and what was he doing in the middle of a professional football game on Saturday. (Same question for Alan Curbishley, just replacing "Derbyshire" with "Etherington").
6. The Referee
Flawless.
7. OK, Maybe Not
Howard Webb has come in for quite a bit of criticism since Saturday but in truth it should be directed at his assistant Jim Devine who bizarrely allowed Zamora goal's despite a myriad of reasons not to do so, foremost of which being that it didn't cross the line.
That said, I thought the penalty decision was correct and that Tevez was clearly clipped. Had it been Steven Gerrard or Michael Owen in that scenario it wouldn't even have been second guessed as they are "honest" players (read: English).
The sending off of David Bentley was certainly pedantic but I have chosen to view it as some sort of karmic punishment for those shocking haircuts he used to showcase at Arsenal.
I found Curbishley's take on it all enlightening - "When you're down the bottom sometimes those decisions go either way". All well and good, but that does tend to imply that there are some decisions which don't go either way, does it not?
8. Hats Off
I am not a man who apologises often (There are those who would say that the previous sentence need not have continued after the first five words, but they'd be wrong). Therefore, a big well done to Alan Curbishley whose team selection was right and whose decision to introduce Mullins in place of the labouring Noble was the turning point in our performance.
Well done too - Lucas Neill, James Collins, Hayden Mullins, Bobby Zamora and especially, Carlos Tevez.
9. Hats On
Matt Etherington, Marlon Harewood, Nigel Reo-Coker, Anton Ferdinand - hmmm, where have I heard those names altogether before?
10. Ever Onwards
The cruel nature of football means that not only did Charlton win on Sunday, but our next fixture is on March 31 at home to Middlesbrough, which gives the most boring opponent in the Premiership a two week build up. I can hear all of you out there shouting "Villa", "Fulham" and "Watford" but in terms of pure dullness it's tough to top 'Boro.
Needless to say, you won't have to be bothering yourself with questions of that nature next season.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Great to see that rather than risk passing to Big 'Ol Useless Mike when he is within visual range of his goal, Paul Robinson has instead elected to simply start shooting from 95 yards instead.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Blackburn Rovers vs West Ham : 17 March 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
1. The Inevitable
We always lose at Blackburn.
As sure as night follows day and James Blunt's next single will be an affront to your ears, we will lose tomorrow. Don't meditate on a bad thing. We were relegated long ago and the more you invest emotionally in the rest of this season, the more difficult it will be to take when we go down after a shattering 3-0 defeat at Wigan.
2. The Pride Before The Fall
Anton Ferdinand has apparently been forced to apologise to the entire squad for his ever so slightly odd decision to lie about going to see his sick Granny in the Isle of Wight, and instead going to South Carolina on a jolly up.
Aside from the fact that a storyline like that would be rejected by Footballers Wives on the grounds that it's too unrealistic, there is more sinister side to the whole affair.
Apparently his two week wage fine amounted to £40,000.
West Ham and the Oxford English dictionary - the only two places in the world where reward comes before success.
3. The Blitz Spirit
"I'm not worried about a points deduction" says ever chirpy livewire, Alan Curbishley "We have to win some first". And that's just the kind of attitude that explains why we're not all speaking German , eh?
4. The History
We actually played quite well at Ewood Park last season. We still lost, naturally, but it wasn't our customary abject capitulation. The last West Ham player to score a winning league goal at Blackburn was Lee Chapman. Oh, how we laughed.
Of course Blackburn will forever be remembered as the ground where we lost 7-1 in 2001/02. This coming a week after Roeder promised an improvement on the previous Saturday's 5-0 defeat at Everton. I can't work out if the 1 goal scored means it was a better or worse result.
Of course the question you're all dying to ask is "Hey Shark, when was the last time we did the double over Blackburn?" - and the answer, of course, is the tremendously obvious one of 1966.
5. The Opposition
Blackburn are one of those teams who you ignore and pay absolutely no attention to until you realise you have to play them and that they are in the mix for a UEFA Cup spot. They have lots of players who are anonymously pretty good with the likes of Benni McCarthy and Ryan Nelsen being primary examples.
All that being true doesn't mean that they are not eminently beatable. Just not by us.
6. Moan About The House
Rumours abound (do they ever do anything else?) that Nigel Reo Coker might return to the team tomorrow after his suspension, but that Lucas Neill will retain the captaincy. Whether this will any impact on the rest of the team remains to be seen but it will be warmly received by the travelling fans at least.
Of course, there would be plenty out there who would argue that Mark Noble did more in the first half against tottenham alone than Reo-Coker has done all year and that the latter should have no chance at all of returning. And I would be among them. The danger of course being that Reo-Coker would doubtless sulk for the entire journey up to Blackburn. Which is quite a long one.
7. Neill Down?
I'll bet that Lucas Neill gets a toasty reception tomorrow. It's tough to think that Blackburn's fan will be all that enamoured of a player who defected from their European charge and joined the bottom of the table doormat for the rest of the Premiership.
What's weirder still is that he allegedly is prepared to stay and play in the Championship next year.
8. Some Things Never Change
A poor start, a modest semi recovery before a spectacular implosion and decline. Marvellous to see that I can still write exactly the same about the England cricket team as I can about West Ham's season.
We always lose at Blackburn.
As sure as night follows day and James Blunt's next single will be an affront to your ears, we will lose tomorrow. Don't meditate on a bad thing. We were relegated long ago and the more you invest emotionally in the rest of this season, the more difficult it will be to take when we go down after a shattering 3-0 defeat at Wigan.
2. The Pride Before The Fall
Anton Ferdinand has apparently been forced to apologise to the entire squad for his ever so slightly odd decision to lie about going to see his sick Granny in the Isle of Wight, and instead going to South Carolina on a jolly up.
Aside from the fact that a storyline like that would be rejected by Footballers Wives on the grounds that it's too unrealistic, there is more sinister side to the whole affair.
Apparently his two week wage fine amounted to £40,000.
West Ham and the Oxford English dictionary - the only two places in the world where reward comes before success.
3. The Blitz Spirit
"I'm not worried about a points deduction" says ever chirpy livewire, Alan Curbishley "We have to win some first". And that's just the kind of attitude that explains why we're not all speaking German , eh?
4. The History
We actually played quite well at Ewood Park last season. We still lost, naturally, but it wasn't our customary abject capitulation. The last West Ham player to score a winning league goal at Blackburn was Lee Chapman. Oh, how we laughed.
Of course Blackburn will forever be remembered as the ground where we lost 7-1 in 2001/02. This coming a week after Roeder promised an improvement on the previous Saturday's 5-0 defeat at Everton. I can't work out if the 1 goal scored means it was a better or worse result.
Of course the question you're all dying to ask is "Hey Shark, when was the last time we did the double over Blackburn?" - and the answer, of course, is the tremendously obvious one of 1966.
5. The Opposition
Blackburn are one of those teams who you ignore and pay absolutely no attention to until you realise you have to play them and that they are in the mix for a UEFA Cup spot. They have lots of players who are anonymously pretty good with the likes of Benni McCarthy and Ryan Nelsen being primary examples.
All that being true doesn't mean that they are not eminently beatable. Just not by us.
6. Moan About The House
Rumours abound (do they ever do anything else?) that Nigel Reo Coker might return to the team tomorrow after his suspension, but that Lucas Neill will retain the captaincy. Whether this will any impact on the rest of the team remains to be seen but it will be warmly received by the travelling fans at least.
Of course, there would be plenty out there who would argue that Mark Noble did more in the first half against tottenham alone than Reo-Coker has done all year and that the latter should have no chance at all of returning. And I would be among them. The danger of course being that Reo-Coker would doubtless sulk for the entire journey up to Blackburn. Which is quite a long one.
7. Neill Down?
I'll bet that Lucas Neill gets a toasty reception tomorrow. It's tough to think that Blackburn's fan will be all that enamoured of a player who defected from their European charge and joined the bottom of the table doormat for the rest of the Premiership.
What's weirder still is that he allegedly is prepared to stay and play in the Championship next year.
8. Some Things Never Change
A poor start, a modest semi recovery before a spectacular implosion and decline. Marvellous to see that I can still write exactly the same about the England cricket team as I can about West Ham's season.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Lies, Damn Lies And....
From The Ritz To The Rubble
Eons ago I thought to myself that it might be quite fun to write a weekly column about West Ham. Here was a chance to mock the rest of the Premier League, wage a ridiculous hate campaign against Michael Dawson and watch us meander to 11th in the table whilst filing away the general concept of Nigel Quashie in the drawer marked "Insane".
Bet you all want my hot tip for the Grand National now.
A couple of Alan's and a biscuit magnate later we're rooted to the bottom of the league staring longingly up at Watford. Which is one hell of a fall from grace.
Anyway, my original plan was to try and focus on some of the statistical points of interest throughout the season. With that in mind I thought I'd write this interim column whilst we await the infernal torture that will be our next fixture.
Some interesting numbers for you, they relate to the Premiership only:
21 - total number of goals scored by West Ham this season
28 - combined number of goals scored by Didier Drogba and Francis Lampard this season
4 - total away goals scored by West Ham all season
4 - total goals scored by Reading in their last 3 away games
8 - goals scored by Gareth Barry
7 - combined goals scored by Marlon Harewood, Carlton Cole, Kepa, Carlos Tevez and Teddy Sheringham
50 - goals conceded by West Ham this year
38 - combined goals conceded by Man United and Chelsea this year
(So in short we score too few and concede too many. Quite the detective am I)
125 - number of days between Bobby Zamora's 5th and 6th goals of the season
2 - number of seconds it took Bobby Zamora to cup his ear to the crowd after scoring that goal
34,696 - West Ham's average attendance this season
34,844 - Chelsea's average Champions League home attendance for games against anyone other than Barcelona (they are a massive club though - Peter Kenyon says so)
1 - the number of times West Ham have won back to back games this season
0 - the number of times Man Utd have lost back to back games this season
11 - away games without scoring for West Ham this year
1 - away games without scoring for Man Utd this year (at West Ham, naturally)
4 - clean sheets kept by West Ham this season
8 - clean sheets kept by defensive titans Charlton this season
6 - points gained by Alan Curbishley for West Ham
12 - points gained by Alan Pardew for Charlton
c£30m - profit made by Terence Brown from the sale of West Ham
£0 - initial investment made by Terence Brown in West Ham (he was loaned the money by the Cearns family in exchange for getting abused by the fans in their place)
40 - minutes played by Matthew Upson since joining West Ham
£150,000 - cost per minute of that contribution (based on a £6m transfer fee)
It's tough to see why we're going down isn't it........
Eons ago I thought to myself that it might be quite fun to write a weekly column about West Ham. Here was a chance to mock the rest of the Premier League, wage a ridiculous hate campaign against Michael Dawson and watch us meander to 11th in the table whilst filing away the general concept of Nigel Quashie in the drawer marked "Insane".
Bet you all want my hot tip for the Grand National now.
A couple of Alan's and a biscuit magnate later we're rooted to the bottom of the league staring longingly up at Watford. Which is one hell of a fall from grace.
Anyway, my original plan was to try and focus on some of the statistical points of interest throughout the season. With that in mind I thought I'd write this interim column whilst we await the infernal torture that will be our next fixture.
Some interesting numbers for you, they relate to the Premiership only:
21 - total number of goals scored by West Ham this season
28 - combined number of goals scored by Didier Drogba and Francis Lampard this season
4 - total away goals scored by West Ham all season
4 - total goals scored by Reading in their last 3 away games
8 - goals scored by Gareth Barry
7 - combined goals scored by Marlon Harewood, Carlton Cole, Kepa, Carlos Tevez and Teddy Sheringham
50 - goals conceded by West Ham this year
38 - combined goals conceded by Man United and Chelsea this year
(So in short we score too few and concede too many. Quite the detective am I)
125 - number of days between Bobby Zamora's 5th and 6th goals of the season
2 - number of seconds it took Bobby Zamora to cup his ear to the crowd after scoring that goal
34,696 - West Ham's average attendance this season
34,844 - Chelsea's average Champions League home attendance for games against anyone other than Barcelona (they are a massive club though - Peter Kenyon says so)
1 - the number of times West Ham have won back to back games this season
0 - the number of times Man Utd have lost back to back games this season
11 - away games without scoring for West Ham this year
1 - away games without scoring for Man Utd this year (at West Ham, naturally)
4 - clean sheets kept by West Ham this season
8 - clean sheets kept by defensive titans Charlton this season
6 - points gained by Alan Curbishley for West Ham
12 - points gained by Alan Pardew for Charlton
c£30m - profit made by Terence Brown from the sale of West Ham
£0 - initial investment made by Terence Brown in West Ham (he was loaned the money by the Cearns family in exchange for getting abused by the fans in their place)
40 - minutes played by Matthew Upson since joining West Ham
£150,000 - cost per minute of that contribution (based on a £6m transfer fee)
It's tough to see why we're going down isn't it........
Sunday, March 04, 2007
West Ham 3 - 4 tottenham (And Other Ramblings)
1. This Is Why I Don't Have A Cat
There really is only so much a man can take. If the Americans were inflicting this kind of mental torture on the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay they would definitely be had up in front of the War Crimes commission at Nuremberg.
I've longed since consigned this season to the wastebasket but I could seriously do without West Ham kicking the crap out of my psyche on the way there. We're all in agreement -we are a Championship side. With that in mind could we just revert to the prototypical abject 2-0 defeats that we're all so used to, please?
After all, it ain't the disappointment that kills you, it's the hope.
2. The Write Stuff
Read this and weep - http://observer.guardian.co.uk/sport/story/0,,2026282,00.html. If even half of this stuff is true then it would seem to explain the unending flurry of tripe we've been subjected to this year.
It's hardly going to be a major surprise to any West Ham fan with a laptop and a cerebrum that there are huge problems in the dressing room but to have it all so publicly dissected in this manner is getting fairly dull.
I think we all get it. They're a bunch of ill disciplined clowns who are trampling all over the best traditions of the club we all love. We're all very proud.
3. In Sickness And In Health
I cannot say enough about our medical staff. Using the pioneering methods made famous by Dr Harold Shipman they managed to keep Matthew Upson on the pitch for an entire 11 minutes.
At this rate he'll have played nearly a whole game for us by the time he leaves in the summer.
4. The Statistics
I think we should whistle right on by the actual scoreline, seeing as how I'm liable to burst in to tears if I analyse it again. We had 53% possession and both teams had 14 attempts on goal. In all a draw would probably have been a fair result but this is us and they are them and that's pretty much been the script for quite some time now.
Had this performance been turned in even 2 games ago I might have believed that it could be translated into some sort of actual fight against relegation but as it stands it's simply a large rusty nail being emphatically whacked into our coffin.
5. The Referee
Infuriating. I'm several miles past blaming referees for our continued ineptitude but Mike Dean didn't help matters today.
He gave 6 yellow cards to us and just 1 to tottenham despite some fairly hefty tackling on both sides. Indeed, "England's" Michael Dawson spent 90 minutes hacking several lumps out of Carlos Tevez whilst conceding just one foul. Ironically that one was probably an incorrect decision and Tevez duly whacked in the resulting free kick. Which was mildly enjoyed by us all. .
6. The Opposition
tottenham are really just an average Premiership team with some above average players up front. Berbatov and Lennon are class. Ghaly and Jenas are an embarrassment to the concept of professionalism in modern football. The man who really changed the game was Tom Huddlestone, whose impressive array of passing skills was the key to tottenham's second half revival.
Well, that and the interesting mix of injuries, substitutions and stupidity that left us with 4 strikers on the pitch at full time.
Still it must have been a nice novelty for their fans to attend a match where the home fans actually make some noise and where the home goal keeper is international class.
7. A Noble Quest
In the main there isn't a great deal of prescience to this column but I can't help but feel slightly vindicated as a result of Mark Noble's performance today. After a season of watching under performing egotists being selected ahead of him it was great to see him seize his chance with a high class goal and first half display.
It was a shame that he fell away in the second half due to the introduction of Huddlestone and a lack of match practice, but that's not really surprising given that this was his first league start of the season.
I would hope that the likes of Reo-Coker, Harewood and Ferdinand are currently feeling totally ashamed that it took a teenager to spark us into action rather than our "established" Premiership stars. I might just pop down to Faces and see if they are.
8. Music For Every Situation
To the tune of Volare:
Lasagne, whoah
Lasagne, whoah
I laughed myself to bits
When tottenham got the shits
Some of you fellows are wasted on the terraces.
And one for Curbishley himself (shamelessly stolen from "In The Brown Stuff"). Morrissey was a man of great foresight:
I was looking for a job and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
I think we all know how you feel brother.
9. Silver Linings
Carlos Tevez and his celebration.
Which is otherwise known as Olympic class straw clutching.
By the way, what was that half time entertainment all about? Putting two Chinamen up a stick just seems odd and possibly illegal to me.
10. I Just Can't Manage Anymore
Poor old Curbishley. I came away from this game seething like the rest of you but it seems futile to continue pointing fingers. Curbishley's flaws are many but it wasn't him who made the ill judged tackle on Lennon, or pretended to go and see his nan and instead went to South Carolina (!) for a booze up.
He's been left with a squad of players so removed from reality that I can only imagine how one goes about trying to instill some sort of unity and purpose.
Of course, what's even madder is that he was on the shortlist for the England job. And lost to Steve Maclaren.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Stone me if I couldn't actually tell the difference between the completely immobile 15 foot Chinese mascot at half time and big old useless Mike. I haven''t seen that many useless hoof's since I last bet on the Grand National.
There really is only so much a man can take. If the Americans were inflicting this kind of mental torture on the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay they would definitely be had up in front of the War Crimes commission at Nuremberg.
I've longed since consigned this season to the wastebasket but I could seriously do without West Ham kicking the crap out of my psyche on the way there. We're all in agreement -we are a Championship side. With that in mind could we just revert to the prototypical abject 2-0 defeats that we're all so used to, please?
After all, it ain't the disappointment that kills you, it's the hope.
2. The Write Stuff
Read this and weep - http://observer.guardian.co.uk/sport/story/0,,2026282,00.html. If even half of this stuff is true then it would seem to explain the unending flurry of tripe we've been subjected to this year.
It's hardly going to be a major surprise to any West Ham fan with a laptop and a cerebrum that there are huge problems in the dressing room but to have it all so publicly dissected in this manner is getting fairly dull.
I think we all get it. They're a bunch of ill disciplined clowns who are trampling all over the best traditions of the club we all love. We're all very proud.
3. In Sickness And In Health
I cannot say enough about our medical staff. Using the pioneering methods made famous by Dr Harold Shipman they managed to keep Matthew Upson on the pitch for an entire 11 minutes.
At this rate he'll have played nearly a whole game for us by the time he leaves in the summer.
4. The Statistics
I think we should whistle right on by the actual scoreline, seeing as how I'm liable to burst in to tears if I analyse it again. We had 53% possession and both teams had 14 attempts on goal. In all a draw would probably have been a fair result but this is us and they are them and that's pretty much been the script for quite some time now.
Had this performance been turned in even 2 games ago I might have believed that it could be translated into some sort of actual fight against relegation but as it stands it's simply a large rusty nail being emphatically whacked into our coffin.
5. The Referee
Infuriating. I'm several miles past blaming referees for our continued ineptitude but Mike Dean didn't help matters today.
He gave 6 yellow cards to us and just 1 to tottenham despite some fairly hefty tackling on both sides. Indeed, "England's" Michael Dawson spent 90 minutes hacking several lumps out of Carlos Tevez whilst conceding just one foul. Ironically that one was probably an incorrect decision and Tevez duly whacked in the resulting free kick. Which was mildly enjoyed by us all. .
6. The Opposition
tottenham are really just an average Premiership team with some above average players up front. Berbatov and Lennon are class. Ghaly and Jenas are an embarrassment to the concept of professionalism in modern football. The man who really changed the game was Tom Huddlestone, whose impressive array of passing skills was the key to tottenham's second half revival.
Well, that and the interesting mix of injuries, substitutions and stupidity that left us with 4 strikers on the pitch at full time.
Still it must have been a nice novelty for their fans to attend a match where the home fans actually make some noise and where the home goal keeper is international class.
7. A Noble Quest
In the main there isn't a great deal of prescience to this column but I can't help but feel slightly vindicated as a result of Mark Noble's performance today. After a season of watching under performing egotists being selected ahead of him it was great to see him seize his chance with a high class goal and first half display.
It was a shame that he fell away in the second half due to the introduction of Huddlestone and a lack of match practice, but that's not really surprising given that this was his first league start of the season.
I would hope that the likes of Reo-Coker, Harewood and Ferdinand are currently feeling totally ashamed that it took a teenager to spark us into action rather than our "established" Premiership stars. I might just pop down to Faces and see if they are.
8. Music For Every Situation
To the tune of Volare:
Lasagne, whoah
Lasagne, whoah
I laughed myself to bits
When tottenham got the shits
Some of you fellows are wasted on the terraces.
And one for Curbishley himself (shamelessly stolen from "In The Brown Stuff"). Morrissey was a man of great foresight:
I was looking for a job and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
I think we all know how you feel brother.
9. Silver Linings
Carlos Tevez and his celebration.
Which is otherwise known as Olympic class straw clutching.
By the way, what was that half time entertainment all about? Putting two Chinamen up a stick just seems odd and possibly illegal to me.
10. I Just Can't Manage Anymore
Poor old Curbishley. I came away from this game seething like the rest of you but it seems futile to continue pointing fingers. Curbishley's flaws are many but it wasn't him who made the ill judged tackle on Lennon, or pretended to go and see his nan and instead went to South Carolina (!) for a booze up.
He's been left with a squad of players so removed from reality that I can only imagine how one goes about trying to instill some sort of unity and purpose.
Of course, what's even madder is that he was on the shortlist for the England job. And lost to Steve Maclaren.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Stone me if I couldn't actually tell the difference between the completely immobile 15 foot Chinese mascot at half time and big old useless Mike. I haven''t seen that many useless hoof's since I last bet on the Grand National.
Friday, March 02, 2007
West Ham vs tottenham : 4 March 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
1. The Wanderer Returns
And so I'm back. Sadly the overweight soprano is well into her second aria, the good galleon "West Ham" is several leagues under the ocean and the Champion Hurdler has long since bolted the livery. In short, people, we are doomed.
Many thanks to those who wrote previews and reports whilst I was away. We didn't manage to get one done for Charlton but in fairness I think we'd all like to pretend that game never happened.
Fantastically, we're not bottom. I have decided that unceasing positivity is the key to not going mad between now and our Easter relegation.
(Which just goes to prove the folly of starting these previews before Saturday's games)
2. A Sign Of The Times
Rural New Zealand takes much the same view of the Internet as it does of road signs. So neither are very prevalent. Truthfully though, it has been merciful to be in the dark for the last month or so.
I did manage to read one very telling quote from Carlos Tevez whilst I was away. He stated that Curbishley hardly ever spoke to him. Instead he simply pinned the set piece formations up on the notice board and the players all had to go and read them when they were free.
When you think about it fully, this is a fairly stunning revelation. I have been a season ticket holder for many years and I've never seen any evidence that we have set piece formations.
3. Bet You Didn't See That Coming
On my return to cyber space I discovered that Matthew Etherington's long hinted at gambling addiction has finally come to light, although without any mention of the alleged behind the scenes brokering the club had to do in order to prevent him losing his kneecaps because of it.
It seems impossible to deny that Curbishley has been disastrous in pure man management terms, but those still pining for Pardew should not forget that he allowed two players to spiral into gambling addictions under his watch. It's overly simplistic to blame the manager for what is, after all, a deeply personal illness, but allowing players to gamble up to £30,000 on the team bus to games is ridiculous.
For God's sake, put a DVD on and make them watch that instead. I'd suggest a copy of our 6-0 defeat at Reading might be a start. Failing that, maybe The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They both have similar plots.
4. Medical Madness
When we get our first injury tomorrow, most likely during the warm up if recent trends are followed, keep an eye on our physios.
I have come to the conclusion that they run on to the pitch singing "The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone....." in lieu of any actual medical training.
5. The Crying Game
Being the irrepressible, Churchillian orator that he is, I have no doubt that Curbs will have the lads whipped into a frenzy tomorrow for the biggest game of our season. However, just on the off chance that he is not on form, take a quick look at him when we inevitably let in the first goal.
I'm guessing that by this point in the season he will have moved on from the simple head in hands routine to a full blown Willem Defoe in Platoon pose.
I didn't actually get to hear his post match interview after the massacre at Charlton but I've heard that it was something along the lines of "Well, we definitely won't be fighting them on the beaches, if that's what you're asking...".
6. The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times
I'm not going to deny that this season has been one long visit to the dentist, but I'd have to say it's probably not been as bad as the ill fated Bond Scheme season in the early 90's.
In his, frankly brilliant, weekly column for The Guardian, Russell Brand does a great job of explaining the perverse joy that can come from such desperation. I have great respect for all true supporters of their clubs. Even Man Utd and Chelsea have die hard fans worthy of admiration, irrespective of that fact that they are surrounded by tourists, and equally the hardy few who travel from Torquay to Hartlepool on a Tuesday night deserve medals.
But I can't believe that there are many clubs around the country who would have been able to muster up the kind of support that we did at Charlton. It is incredibly dispiriting to go to games knowing that we essentially have no chance of winning, but there is something to be said for having a chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all and singing a song about Christian Dailly.
Even more interestingly, friends and acquaintances who previously mocked me incessantly, now instead just look at me with that sad sort of look that's usually reserved for captive chimpanzees in the zoo.
7. Can I Javier Vote?
I signed an online petition in the week to abandon the Hammer of the Year award on the grounds that none of them deserve it. As anyone from my office will testify, I will sign pretty much anything but I do happen to agree with this one.
With that said, there is no way that the club is likely to actually do this as it would be an excruciating admission of the uselessness of the playing staff. With that in mind, I suggest we vote for the following:
1 - Javier Mascherano
2 - Mark Noble
3 - Dean Ashton
Young Hammer of the Year - Teddy Sheringham
It would make the last home game of the season at least somewhat palatable.
8. An Admission
I've spent a fairly decent portion of the season mocking the likes of Glenn Roeder, Fulham and Aston Villa. In spite of an injury list the size of the Angel of the North, Roeder has manoeuvred a decidedly average Newcastle team into the upper echelons of the league.
At the same time two terminally dull sides like Villa and Fulham will again be plying their wares in the Premiership next year.
All 3 would be absolutely no loss to English football if they were to disappear from view but it really does serve to highlight how unfathomably awful we have been this year that we are looking up to teams like this.
A point which studiously ignores the fact that we are currently staring up at everyone in the league.
9. The Game
I've been putting it off but I guess I should mention the game. Reo Coker is suspended, as is Robbie Keane, which is a minor victory for us. tottenham are pretty mediocre on the road but we're hardly playing at an impenetrable fortress here.
The corresponding fixture last year was, for many, the best game of the season. Carl Fletcher had possibly his finest moment in a West Ham shirt (other than when he called Francis Lampard a "fat bastard") by blasting in a 25 yarder to opening the scoring before Yossi Benayoun popped up ten minutes from time with a late winner. Deliciously this denied tottenham a Champions League spot at the expense of Arsenal and led to "Bubbles" being sung at Highbury during the last ever game played there.
Even more deliciously tottenham were struck by a mystery illness before the game. They claimed this was food poisoning, a charge that was later comprehensively disproved. And how we laughed.
Those who believe in karma might suspect that we're in for a bit of a battering tomorrow....
And so I'm back. Sadly the overweight soprano is well into her second aria, the good galleon "West Ham" is several leagues under the ocean and the Champion Hurdler has long since bolted the livery. In short, people, we are doomed.
Many thanks to those who wrote previews and reports whilst I was away. We didn't manage to get one done for Charlton but in fairness I think we'd all like to pretend that game never happened.
Fantastically, we're not bottom. I have decided that unceasing positivity is the key to not going mad between now and our Easter relegation.
(Which just goes to prove the folly of starting these previews before Saturday's games)
2. A Sign Of The Times
Rural New Zealand takes much the same view of the Internet as it does of road signs. So neither are very prevalent. Truthfully though, it has been merciful to be in the dark for the last month or so.
I did manage to read one very telling quote from Carlos Tevez whilst I was away. He stated that Curbishley hardly ever spoke to him. Instead he simply pinned the set piece formations up on the notice board and the players all had to go and read them when they were free.
When you think about it fully, this is a fairly stunning revelation. I have been a season ticket holder for many years and I've never seen any evidence that we have set piece formations.
3. Bet You Didn't See That Coming
On my return to cyber space I discovered that Matthew Etherington's long hinted at gambling addiction has finally come to light, although without any mention of the alleged behind the scenes brokering the club had to do in order to prevent him losing his kneecaps because of it.
It seems impossible to deny that Curbishley has been disastrous in pure man management terms, but those still pining for Pardew should not forget that he allowed two players to spiral into gambling addictions under his watch. It's overly simplistic to blame the manager for what is, after all, a deeply personal illness, but allowing players to gamble up to £30,000 on the team bus to games is ridiculous.
For God's sake, put a DVD on and make them watch that instead. I'd suggest a copy of our 6-0 defeat at Reading might be a start. Failing that, maybe The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They both have similar plots.
4. Medical Madness
When we get our first injury tomorrow, most likely during the warm up if recent trends are followed, keep an eye on our physios.
I have come to the conclusion that they run on to the pitch singing "The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone....." in lieu of any actual medical training.
5. The Crying Game
Being the irrepressible, Churchillian orator that he is, I have no doubt that Curbs will have the lads whipped into a frenzy tomorrow for the biggest game of our season. However, just on the off chance that he is not on form, take a quick look at him when we inevitably let in the first goal.
I'm guessing that by this point in the season he will have moved on from the simple head in hands routine to a full blown Willem Defoe in Platoon pose.
I didn't actually get to hear his post match interview after the massacre at Charlton but I've heard that it was something along the lines of "Well, we definitely won't be fighting them on the beaches, if that's what you're asking...".
6. The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times
I'm not going to deny that this season has been one long visit to the dentist, but I'd have to say it's probably not been as bad as the ill fated Bond Scheme season in the early 90's.
In his, frankly brilliant, weekly column for The Guardian, Russell Brand does a great job of explaining the perverse joy that can come from such desperation. I have great respect for all true supporters of their clubs. Even Man Utd and Chelsea have die hard fans worthy of admiration, irrespective of that fact that they are surrounded by tourists, and equally the hardy few who travel from Torquay to Hartlepool on a Tuesday night deserve medals.
But I can't believe that there are many clubs around the country who would have been able to muster up the kind of support that we did at Charlton. It is incredibly dispiriting to go to games knowing that we essentially have no chance of winning, but there is something to be said for having a chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all and singing a song about Christian Dailly.
Even more interestingly, friends and acquaintances who previously mocked me incessantly, now instead just look at me with that sad sort of look that's usually reserved for captive chimpanzees in the zoo.
7. Can I Javier Vote?
I signed an online petition in the week to abandon the Hammer of the Year award on the grounds that none of them deserve it. As anyone from my office will testify, I will sign pretty much anything but I do happen to agree with this one.
With that said, there is no way that the club is likely to actually do this as it would be an excruciating admission of the uselessness of the playing staff. With that in mind, I suggest we vote for the following:
1 - Javier Mascherano
2 - Mark Noble
3 - Dean Ashton
Young Hammer of the Year - Teddy Sheringham
It would make the last home game of the season at least somewhat palatable.
8. An Admission
I've spent a fairly decent portion of the season mocking the likes of Glenn Roeder, Fulham and Aston Villa. In spite of an injury list the size of the Angel of the North, Roeder has manoeuvred a decidedly average Newcastle team into the upper echelons of the league.
At the same time two terminally dull sides like Villa and Fulham will again be plying their wares in the Premiership next year.
All 3 would be absolutely no loss to English football if they were to disappear from view but it really does serve to highlight how unfathomably awful we have been this year that we are looking up to teams like this.
A point which studiously ignores the fact that we are currently staring up at everyone in the league.
9. The Game
I've been putting it off but I guess I should mention the game. Reo Coker is suspended, as is Robbie Keane, which is a minor victory for us. tottenham are pretty mediocre on the road but we're hardly playing at an impenetrable fortress here.
The corresponding fixture last year was, for many, the best game of the season. Carl Fletcher had possibly his finest moment in a West Ham shirt (other than when he called Francis Lampard a "fat bastard") by blasting in a 25 yarder to opening the scoring before Yossi Benayoun popped up ten minutes from time with a late winner. Deliciously this denied tottenham a Champions League spot at the expense of Arsenal and led to "Bubbles" being sung at Highbury during the last ever game played there.
Even more deliciously tottenham were struck by a mystery illness before the game. They claimed this was food poisoning, a charge that was later comprehensively disproved. And how we laughed.
Those who believe in karma might suspect that we're in for a bit of a battering tomorrow....
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
West Ham 0 - 1 Watford (And Other Ramblings)
Some people are so predictable. There are those who might go to New Zealand for a month and come back with a deep golden tan and many tales of derring do. Not me folks. I have plumped instead for two weeks in bed with the flu, eating one slice of toast a day. Interestingly, during that time I have managed the not inconsiderable feat of putting on weight. When I die there's going to be one hell of a scrap for my metabolism.
Anyway, even from my sickbed a million miles away, I can hear the clanging chimes of doom for the Hammers. The home defeat to Watford surely signals the end of what I laughingly refer to as our relegation "fight". Many thanks to Ralph for the match report. The dog ate his preview, unfortunately.
1. An Apology For Abject Incompetence
I don’t get it. I paid a bunch of dosh for the necessary equipment to write the preview for the Watford match (admittedly a while ago although my recently acquired new Livebox doobie doesn’t seem to work as well as it should). I type stuff all day along and have done for years without incident and then when the time comes to step up to the plate and perform to a larger audience, it all goes wrong, the screen goes blank and all my work disappears in a brilliant glare of white that passes so slowly as to make Christian Dailly look like Marlon Harewood’s car travelling down the Barking Road on Saturday evening.
Ultimately it turned out I’d chosen entirely the wrong method to type out my preview. I had executed it poorly and had no back-up plan for when it all got formatted in .pear. Of course, the problem was an underlying one with my machine and webmail and, had I known, I would not have chosen that method of execution; you could almost say, it was broken when I found it. As it turns out I could not have executed a more accurate preview.
2. Science Fact
We had more possession and more shots and all that stuff but the ultimate statistic is 0-1 x 2. That against a side employing a man who hasn’t scored in twenty-nine games as their marksman. That said, we seem to employ at least five of those so who am I to criticise?
Obviously their chap Mahon should have walked for his Championship challenge on Reo-Coker who finally seems to have decided to start playing again but he did not and frankly, so what? Are we really so terrible that we can’t beat Watford unless they have a man sent-off? Yes, we are and that is about all you can say.
3. Neill? He Can Barely Stand
Another thirty minutes on the clock and now another month off. Why will my firm not pay me thousands a week to do that? They would even save money in the process through the spurt in productivity caused by my absence. Is there another reason beyond wage structure that Liverpool did not pursue their interest in Neill with the same verve that we did? Quite possibly. I am starting to wonder how much scouting Curbishley and his mate Lurch Day actually do. Apparently he still seems to be "having a look" at our squad and he barely seemed to know anything about them when he joined. For a club that he and his nearest and dearest seem to be so desperately passionate about that seems a bit peculiar.
That is the behaviour I normally associate with Chelsea fans who own season tickets in the expensive seats. Next time you meet one, see if you can get him to name his favourite Chelsea side and see how many names apart from Zola and "that chap Brabhook – the one that pegged it" they can name from before Ranieri was in charge. Anyway, I digress but you have to wonder how much time he spent in Lancashire and the Midlands (including Tottenham) watching his new charges.
I am starting to suspect that he has picked these guys with same amount of skill that most people pick their fantasy league teams. Upson: used to be at Arsenal, cleaner sheets than the Persil Nun Display Team. Lucas Neill: something about penalties in the World Cup – probably excellent. Boa Morte and Quashie: saw them once against Charlton and I think one of them may have scored and look, Quashie’s down here as a defender so that’s extra goals potential and now I just need a cheapo defender to use up my budget with… ah, Calum. Mascherano? How many points did he get last season? No thanks.
I guess Neill needs a run of injury free football before it is fair to judge him but at least we have our home grown Anton back now. Oh, hang on…
4. From Cornrow To Zero
Known for their ball skills but not their intelligence or attention span, Ferdinand the Younger once again highlighted the family trait with his new interpretation on the drag back idea. Unfortunately such pioneering new forms, as in any artistic medium, are rarely appreciated first time out and thus Henderson fell to the floor his face screwed up in disgust at Ferdinand’s vulgarity and Alan Wiley did what any self-respecting critic had to do and found against the accused.
It looked like the sort of offence that would have been similarly regarded at Twickenham and you have to wonder just what, if anything, our man was thinking.
5. Meanwhile Up The Other End
Marlon Harewood. Why on Earth was a man clearly on the verge of disappearing into a black hole of ineptitude allowed to take that penalty? Against Liverpool the other week as the game wore on he looked more and more timid and the minute the penalty was awarded it was clear we were going to miss had one of the regulars taken it. There were more miss vibes around the place than at an Ann Summers convention.
Surely that was the perfect moment to let the lively Tevez notch his first goal? The guy seem to have done everything but score and surely this was the moment but once again, as you would expect with a team full of players who seem more interested in fighting for their place under the protective tortoise shell than retaining their league status with the club they are at, innovation and clear thinking proved even rarer than three points away from home. It was like putting an alcoholic in front of an off-licence with a blank chequebook in its cruelty.
Gillian McKeith would not have visited this on one of her subjects and Harewood’s cupped hand to the ear "celebration" was put back on ice until the next time (inevitably the winner in a 1-0 win at Old Trafford after we’re already down on the last day of the season).
More and more this resembles the last relegation season. The "lift-off" never arrives and we go on losing games meekly, beating the odd giant at home whilst failing to use our best players properly (admittedly Ashton is not really going to achieve much with one leg even if he would still have made a better job of the penalty than Harewood… and that sitter from six yards out by Zamora... and... sod it, it is too depressing). At least Tevez is getting a game whereas Di Canio was barely getting a sniff under Roeder I suppose.
That said, that time round I distinctly remember some consistently rousing performances from Joe Cole that earned him Hammer Of The Year but could this be the year when nobody wins it? At the moment I think I’ll be voting for Mark Noble just for his consistency, goals to games ratio and victory ratio. I cannot think of anyone else who has done anything consistently above and beyond to warrant it. Every week we reach a new seemingly cathartic nadir but then the next week always brings that extra depth of weak surrender and depression.
An away trip to Charlton now just looks like another opportunity to disgrace ourselves. I think if West Ham were our parents, when we lost at Reading we heard them doing it whilst we had a friend to stay, this week we caught our Dad sniffing our Mum’s underwear on the sly and next week we could well be about to see the footballing equivalent of our Mother performing what the redtops would term "sordid acts" with next door’s spaniel on grainy video to pay for her crack habit. After this, relegation almost seems like sweet relief.
6. Managing Expectations
There was an excellent article in the Observer Sport Monthly about the "new breed" of scientific managers and how they have taken their lead from American sport. Pardew was among them as was Saturday’s victorious Aidy Boothroyd. The point made was that these guys came unstuck in the Premier League because principles that work in America and in the Championship where competition is much closer and there is a lot more scoring do not work in the Premier League where the quality is much more diverse and you cannot legislate for Gerrard notching one from forty yards in injury time or Kuyt sticking it in the back of your onion bag from somewhere deep in E6 right after you’ve finished your half-time tea and, oh, I dunno, say Daniel bleeding Agger also finding your top corner with a right-foot originated leather exocet launched from somewhere next to your striker. You know, those things just don’t happen with any familiarity, right?
So, what does work in the Premier League? Well, clearly Curbishley managed pretty well with his brand of nonplussed shoulder shrugging (notice he does not even bury his face in his hands any more when we concede) at the Valley but clearly he should be upping his game with us. If you take a look at the top three or four managers in the league, Mourinho, Ferguson, Wenger and I guess Benitez then they all possess that megalomaniacal streak, the control freakery to run their club from the players’ lunches to the colour of the carpets in the changing rooms, tactical innovation and, as everyone always points out about disgustingly successful people, attention to detale.
What encouragement then to see our man in the bench jacket playing, in recent games, a drink sodden gambler alongside a coke fiend whilst trying to figure out who plays where and seemingly having tiffs with the few members of the squad he appears to have managed to learn the names of in his first few weeks. Not to mention the complete tactical wonderment of Nigel Quashie starting every week come hell or high water (usually it is the former) whilst Mark Noble is put on the fast track to clinical depression in the stiffs or in Suffolk so that he can fit in with the rest of the squad and, to top it off, a complete inability to change any of that around when the wheels come off. Obviously I’ll be the first to two-facedly herald Curbs if he keeps us up but at this rate, that seems a distant dream.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Even we didn’t try and sign him in January.
Anyway, even from my sickbed a million miles away, I can hear the clanging chimes of doom for the Hammers. The home defeat to Watford surely signals the end of what I laughingly refer to as our relegation "fight". Many thanks to Ralph for the match report. The dog ate his preview, unfortunately.
1. An Apology For Abject Incompetence
I don’t get it. I paid a bunch of dosh for the necessary equipment to write the preview for the Watford match (admittedly a while ago although my recently acquired new Livebox doobie doesn’t seem to work as well as it should). I type stuff all day along and have done for years without incident and then when the time comes to step up to the plate and perform to a larger audience, it all goes wrong, the screen goes blank and all my work disappears in a brilliant glare of white that passes so slowly as to make Christian Dailly look like Marlon Harewood’s car travelling down the Barking Road on Saturday evening.
Ultimately it turned out I’d chosen entirely the wrong method to type out my preview. I had executed it poorly and had no back-up plan for when it all got formatted in .pear. Of course, the problem was an underlying one with my machine and webmail and, had I known, I would not have chosen that method of execution; you could almost say, it was broken when I found it. As it turns out I could not have executed a more accurate preview.
2. Science Fact
We had more possession and more shots and all that stuff but the ultimate statistic is 0-1 x 2. That against a side employing a man who hasn’t scored in twenty-nine games as their marksman. That said, we seem to employ at least five of those so who am I to criticise?
Obviously their chap Mahon should have walked for his Championship challenge on Reo-Coker who finally seems to have decided to start playing again but he did not and frankly, so what? Are we really so terrible that we can’t beat Watford unless they have a man sent-off? Yes, we are and that is about all you can say.
3. Neill? He Can Barely Stand
Another thirty minutes on the clock and now another month off. Why will my firm not pay me thousands a week to do that? They would even save money in the process through the spurt in productivity caused by my absence. Is there another reason beyond wage structure that Liverpool did not pursue their interest in Neill with the same verve that we did? Quite possibly. I am starting to wonder how much scouting Curbishley and his mate Lurch Day actually do. Apparently he still seems to be "having a look" at our squad and he barely seemed to know anything about them when he joined. For a club that he and his nearest and dearest seem to be so desperately passionate about that seems a bit peculiar.
That is the behaviour I normally associate with Chelsea fans who own season tickets in the expensive seats. Next time you meet one, see if you can get him to name his favourite Chelsea side and see how many names apart from Zola and "that chap Brabhook – the one that pegged it" they can name from before Ranieri was in charge. Anyway, I digress but you have to wonder how much time he spent in Lancashire and the Midlands (including Tottenham) watching his new charges.
I am starting to suspect that he has picked these guys with same amount of skill that most people pick their fantasy league teams. Upson: used to be at Arsenal, cleaner sheets than the Persil Nun Display Team. Lucas Neill: something about penalties in the World Cup – probably excellent. Boa Morte and Quashie: saw them once against Charlton and I think one of them may have scored and look, Quashie’s down here as a defender so that’s extra goals potential and now I just need a cheapo defender to use up my budget with… ah, Calum. Mascherano? How many points did he get last season? No thanks.
I guess Neill needs a run of injury free football before it is fair to judge him but at least we have our home grown Anton back now. Oh, hang on…
4. From Cornrow To Zero
Known for their ball skills but not their intelligence or attention span, Ferdinand the Younger once again highlighted the family trait with his new interpretation on the drag back idea. Unfortunately such pioneering new forms, as in any artistic medium, are rarely appreciated first time out and thus Henderson fell to the floor his face screwed up in disgust at Ferdinand’s vulgarity and Alan Wiley did what any self-respecting critic had to do and found against the accused.
It looked like the sort of offence that would have been similarly regarded at Twickenham and you have to wonder just what, if anything, our man was thinking.
5. Meanwhile Up The Other End
Marlon Harewood. Why on Earth was a man clearly on the verge of disappearing into a black hole of ineptitude allowed to take that penalty? Against Liverpool the other week as the game wore on he looked more and more timid and the minute the penalty was awarded it was clear we were going to miss had one of the regulars taken it. There were more miss vibes around the place than at an Ann Summers convention.
Surely that was the perfect moment to let the lively Tevez notch his first goal? The guy seem to have done everything but score and surely this was the moment but once again, as you would expect with a team full of players who seem more interested in fighting for their place under the protective tortoise shell than retaining their league status with the club they are at, innovation and clear thinking proved even rarer than three points away from home. It was like putting an alcoholic in front of an off-licence with a blank chequebook in its cruelty.
Gillian McKeith would not have visited this on one of her subjects and Harewood’s cupped hand to the ear "celebration" was put back on ice until the next time (inevitably the winner in a 1-0 win at Old Trafford after we’re already down on the last day of the season).
More and more this resembles the last relegation season. The "lift-off" never arrives and we go on losing games meekly, beating the odd giant at home whilst failing to use our best players properly (admittedly Ashton is not really going to achieve much with one leg even if he would still have made a better job of the penalty than Harewood… and that sitter from six yards out by Zamora... and... sod it, it is too depressing). At least Tevez is getting a game whereas Di Canio was barely getting a sniff under Roeder I suppose.
That said, that time round I distinctly remember some consistently rousing performances from Joe Cole that earned him Hammer Of The Year but could this be the year when nobody wins it? At the moment I think I’ll be voting for Mark Noble just for his consistency, goals to games ratio and victory ratio. I cannot think of anyone else who has done anything consistently above and beyond to warrant it. Every week we reach a new seemingly cathartic nadir but then the next week always brings that extra depth of weak surrender and depression.
An away trip to Charlton now just looks like another opportunity to disgrace ourselves. I think if West Ham were our parents, when we lost at Reading we heard them doing it whilst we had a friend to stay, this week we caught our Dad sniffing our Mum’s underwear on the sly and next week we could well be about to see the footballing equivalent of our Mother performing what the redtops would term "sordid acts" with next door’s spaniel on grainy video to pay for her crack habit. After this, relegation almost seems like sweet relief.
6. Managing Expectations
There was an excellent article in the Observer Sport Monthly about the "new breed" of scientific managers and how they have taken their lead from American sport. Pardew was among them as was Saturday’s victorious Aidy Boothroyd. The point made was that these guys came unstuck in the Premier League because principles that work in America and in the Championship where competition is much closer and there is a lot more scoring do not work in the Premier League where the quality is much more diverse and you cannot legislate for Gerrard notching one from forty yards in injury time or Kuyt sticking it in the back of your onion bag from somewhere deep in E6 right after you’ve finished your half-time tea and, oh, I dunno, say Daniel bleeding Agger also finding your top corner with a right-foot originated leather exocet launched from somewhere next to your striker. You know, those things just don’t happen with any familiarity, right?
So, what does work in the Premier League? Well, clearly Curbishley managed pretty well with his brand of nonplussed shoulder shrugging (notice he does not even bury his face in his hands any more when we concede) at the Valley but clearly he should be upping his game with us. If you take a look at the top three or four managers in the league, Mourinho, Ferguson, Wenger and I guess Benitez then they all possess that megalomaniacal streak, the control freakery to run their club from the players’ lunches to the colour of the carpets in the changing rooms, tactical innovation and, as everyone always points out about disgustingly successful people, attention to detale.
What encouragement then to see our man in the bench jacket playing, in recent games, a drink sodden gambler alongside a coke fiend whilst trying to figure out who plays where and seemingly having tiffs with the few members of the squad he appears to have managed to learn the names of in his first few weeks. Not to mention the complete tactical wonderment of Nigel Quashie starting every week come hell or high water (usually it is the former) whilst Mark Noble is put on the fast track to clinical depression in the stiffs or in Suffolk so that he can fit in with the rest of the squad and, to top it off, a complete inability to change any of that around when the wheels come off. Obviously I’ll be the first to two-facedly herald Curbs if he keeps us up but at this rate, that seems a distant dream.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Even we didn’t try and sign him in January.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Aston Villa 1 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)
Many thanks to Overseas Iron who has kindly provided the preview and report for our fun filled trip to Villa Park.
1 – Hitmen Hammers
Find yourself aching to hurt someone? Have an arch nemesis you'd desperately like to see writhing in pain very soon? Simple. Get them to sign for West Ham United and watch them stretchered off within minutes of their debut.
Matthew Upson managed to last longer than Lucas Neill by two minutes, successfully staying on the field a full half an hour before being forced to retire with a torn calf muscle. The news is that he is out for 3 weeks, although the recently acquired medical staff recruited direct from The Somme circa 1915, hope to have him back in the field sooner.
He will no doubt miss the next two vital games however and our chances could be all but gone by the time Upson returns. Do you reckon Colin Foster could still do a job for us? Anyone got Geoff Pike's number?
2 – Taming Of The Carew
Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut?
Having questioned the big Villa forwards abilities in the match preview, he goes and puts in a performance which stretched our defence to and fro and also scored the only goal of the game.
Carew proved adept at holding up the ball, allowing midfielders to run on and wasn't shy of running into the corners to pick up a pass, thereby creating space for team mates in the centre.
Looks like the doubts I cast proved sufficient to spur on Big John. He must be an H-List reader.
Did I ever tell you how I've never rated Marlon Harewood?
PS – I can't rightly lay claim to the first class title for this section, it was The Shark's suggestion. His creative tentacles are trans-global.
3 – Tale Of The Tape
Having trawled through a variety of stats, I couldn't manage to drag my attention away from just one - namely that we managed just 2 shots on goal in 90 minutes of "professional" football. Both efforts coming in the 89th minute.
Is our team so devoid of footballing savvy that it only occurs to them seconds before the end of a match in which they are 1-0 down that they should perhaps, you know, hit the ball goalwards? Or were we so outclassed by an average mid-table outfit that it was never on the cards anyway?
Sometimes I think that we ourselves could do a better job. Sure, we'd end up on the losing side and our 'shots on goal' would closely resemble Peter Kay's kick-ups on that John Smiths ad, but I daresay we'd manage more than two.
'Ave it.
4 – And The Beat Goes Wrong
Would this entry be set to music, it would have to be 'The Death March'. Or perhaps 'The Last Post'. The similarities in mood between this season and our last relegation year are becoming increasingly evident.
Yes, we shouldn't need a wholesale clear out of 'talent' like last time thanks to Eggy's deep pockets but I can't imagine too many top flight players hanging around for a year in The Championship – particularly the recent signings.
And with Liverpool now joining the likes of Man United, Chelsea and Villa and suddenly finding themselves flush with cash, perhaps our dreams of those biscuit billions propelling us to the big-time seem more distant than ever.
5 – The Final Countdown
No, I'm not proposing we could still make it into Europe next year (see what I did there?), but a drastic upturn in fortunes is sorely needed.
Most pundits seem to agree that we have had more than our fair share of bad luck and at the worst possible time of the season, but I'd rather cling to our Premiership status whilst being as despised as Robbie Savage (terrible about that broken leg, wasn't it?) than go down with a conciliatory pat on the back.
We must beat Watford (H) and Charlton (A) in our next two games. If we don't, I think it could be over for us. The break in-between these two key fixtures will hopefully give some first choice players a better chance of returning.
At least 6 wins from the rest of the season I feel are required. Sheffield United (A), Wigan (A), Bolton (H), Middlesbrough (H), Everton (H) and The Scum (H) are all still to come and we're capable of beating all of them if we can just get some of that confidence and rhythm back from last year.
Obviously our final day of the season outing to Old Trafford is a banker.
6 – "AWOOGA!"
Where is John Fashanu's famous primetime battle cry when you need it? He never once shirked from his Gladiatorial duties when times were tough - not when viewing figures dipped, not when 'Shadow' got expelled for steroid abuse (in hindsight, his eyes were a dead giveaway), not even when 'Hunter' foraged through Ulrika's leafy canopy.
OK, so things are looking rough at the moment, but West Ham have always been able to count on near masochistic levels of support. Sure we can be outspoken and occasionally vociferous, but attendances won't be flagging between now and May and all it could take is to go ahead in a game (a radical proposition, I grant you) for the boys to hopefully kick on from there.
Come on you Irons!!
7 – Au Revoir
So my tenure as the H-List blogspotter comes to an end. Let's hope a change in personnel brings a change in fortune.
But of course…
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
I've just reeled in disbelief having noticed Michael Dawson warming the bench during England vs Spain (what a goal by Iniesta). I don't have the statistics to critically analyse Dawson's performances but my hatred for all things tottenham should see me through.
Suffice to say that a dishevelled, drunken, semi-comatose, drooling, incapacitated, half-dead Thora Hird sellotaped to a Stannah Stairlift could put in a more solid performance at the centre of England's, tottenham's or any other defence you care to mention.
1 – Hitmen Hammers
Find yourself aching to hurt someone? Have an arch nemesis you'd desperately like to see writhing in pain very soon? Simple. Get them to sign for West Ham United and watch them stretchered off within minutes of their debut.
Matthew Upson managed to last longer than Lucas Neill by two minutes, successfully staying on the field a full half an hour before being forced to retire with a torn calf muscle. The news is that he is out for 3 weeks, although the recently acquired medical staff recruited direct from The Somme circa 1915, hope to have him back in the field sooner.
He will no doubt miss the next two vital games however and our chances could be all but gone by the time Upson returns. Do you reckon Colin Foster could still do a job for us? Anyone got Geoff Pike's number?
2 – Taming Of The Carew
Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut?
Having questioned the big Villa forwards abilities in the match preview, he goes and puts in a performance which stretched our defence to and fro and also scored the only goal of the game.
Carew proved adept at holding up the ball, allowing midfielders to run on and wasn't shy of running into the corners to pick up a pass, thereby creating space for team mates in the centre.
Looks like the doubts I cast proved sufficient to spur on Big John. He must be an H-List reader.
Did I ever tell you how I've never rated Marlon Harewood?
PS – I can't rightly lay claim to the first class title for this section, it was The Shark's suggestion. His creative tentacles are trans-global.
3 – Tale Of The Tape
Having trawled through a variety of stats, I couldn't manage to drag my attention away from just one - namely that we managed just 2 shots on goal in 90 minutes of "professional" football. Both efforts coming in the 89th minute.
Is our team so devoid of footballing savvy that it only occurs to them seconds before the end of a match in which they are 1-0 down that they should perhaps, you know, hit the ball goalwards? Or were we so outclassed by an average mid-table outfit that it was never on the cards anyway?
Sometimes I think that we ourselves could do a better job. Sure, we'd end up on the losing side and our 'shots on goal' would closely resemble Peter Kay's kick-ups on that John Smiths ad, but I daresay we'd manage more than two.
'Ave it.
4 – And The Beat Goes Wrong
Would this entry be set to music, it would have to be 'The Death March'. Or perhaps 'The Last Post'. The similarities in mood between this season and our last relegation year are becoming increasingly evident.
Yes, we shouldn't need a wholesale clear out of 'talent' like last time thanks to Eggy's deep pockets but I can't imagine too many top flight players hanging around for a year in The Championship – particularly the recent signings.
And with Liverpool now joining the likes of Man United, Chelsea and Villa and suddenly finding themselves flush with cash, perhaps our dreams of those biscuit billions propelling us to the big-time seem more distant than ever.
5 – The Final Countdown
No, I'm not proposing we could still make it into Europe next year (see what I did there?), but a drastic upturn in fortunes is sorely needed.
Most pundits seem to agree that we have had more than our fair share of bad luck and at the worst possible time of the season, but I'd rather cling to our Premiership status whilst being as despised as Robbie Savage (terrible about that broken leg, wasn't it?) than go down with a conciliatory pat on the back.
We must beat Watford (H) and Charlton (A) in our next two games. If we don't, I think it could be over for us. The break in-between these two key fixtures will hopefully give some first choice players a better chance of returning.
At least 6 wins from the rest of the season I feel are required. Sheffield United (A), Wigan (A), Bolton (H), Middlesbrough (H), Everton (H) and The Scum (H) are all still to come and we're capable of beating all of them if we can just get some of that confidence and rhythm back from last year.
Obviously our final day of the season outing to Old Trafford is a banker.
6 – "AWOOGA!"
Where is John Fashanu's famous primetime battle cry when you need it? He never once shirked from his Gladiatorial duties when times were tough - not when viewing figures dipped, not when 'Shadow' got expelled for steroid abuse (in hindsight, his eyes were a dead giveaway), not even when 'Hunter' foraged through Ulrika's leafy canopy.
OK, so things are looking rough at the moment, but West Ham have always been able to count on near masochistic levels of support. Sure we can be outspoken and occasionally vociferous, but attendances won't be flagging between now and May and all it could take is to go ahead in a game (a radical proposition, I grant you) for the boys to hopefully kick on from there.
Come on you Irons!!
7 – Au Revoir
So my tenure as the H-List blogspotter comes to an end. Let's hope a change in personnel brings a change in fortune.
But of course…
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
I've just reeled in disbelief having noticed Michael Dawson warming the bench during England vs Spain (what a goal by Iniesta). I don't have the statistics to critically analyse Dawson's performances but my hatred for all things tottenham should see me through.
Suffice to say that a dishevelled, drunken, semi-comatose, drooling, incapacitated, half-dead Thora Hird sellotaped to a Stannah Stairlift could put in a more solid performance at the centre of England's, tottenham's or any other defence you care to mention.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Aston Villa vs West Ham : 3rd February 2007(Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
Thanks very much to Overseas Iron for this match preview in my absence.
1 - Disclaimer
Before we begin, I'd like to get in early the fact that this edition of the H-List may not be as insightful, competent or well-structured as previous editions. Mr Shark has abandoned Blighty for sunnier climbs leaving me in charge for the Villa game. It's true to say that the Shark manages to research and analyse every game extensively despite being constantly busy with either his job, wife or young child...
But I've got a Sony PSP and we all know which takes up the most time in the life of a young man.
2 - Fortunes On The Upson?
As you will all be aware, West Ham claimed the biggest scalp of transfer deadline day by finally bringing Matthew Upson to Upton Park for an intial fee of £6 million, much to Steve Bruce's annoyance. I loved the fact that Bruce whined through his horrifically disfigured staircase of a nose about a disregard for contractual obligations. Maybe you should voice your complaints to Palace fans, Steve?
Upson, potentially, could be the rock upon which a successful survival campaign can be built and hopefully will light a fire up the backsides of the hitherto under-achieving Gabbidon and Ferdinand. With the arrival of Davenport, Neill and now Upson, Tyrone Mears loaned out to Derby and the writing seemingly on the wall for Konchesky, it appears Curbs is determined to use Eggy's millions to let everyone know who's boss.
Upson and Davenport sound to me like a promising centre-back partnership and we can hope that the new arrivals will at least provide some healthy competition for the feeble excuse for a defence we've had up 'til now. Perhaps it would be prudent to separate the wheat from the chaff, lest we want a Ranieri-esque squad of around 4 billion.
3 - Quick On The Draw
After an impressive start, Villa have trailed off and are only 9 points ahead of us having flirted briefly with those coveted Champions League spots. This could well be due to the fact that they (along with Fulham) top the league in taking a single point from games, with 11 draws so far this season.
By all accounts they looked not half bad against Newcastle in midweek, despite conceeding twice in the first 7 minutes, and can look menacing in attack on their day. However, despite beating Watford last week they have won only one of their last 6 home games. OK, so we haven't won away from home all season but there's got to be something in all these meaningless stats, hasn't there? Perhaps not... if there is then our fate is sealed.
One thing's for sure, two mediocre defences fighting it out for the right to concede the first goal should make for a fascinating contest.
4 - Brand New Brummies
Ashley Young will be making his home debut in a slightly different shade of claret and blue than some may have hoped for and could conceivably prove a handful - nothing a first minute, knee-high challenge from Christian 'The Enforcer' wouldn't sort out though.
John Carew will no doubt start too. Carew is one of those footballers who has confounded me in his time as a professional. Once touted as potential Real Madrid material, I've never rated him having seen more than a few lacklustre displays in the Champions League. He just seems to be a third rate Thierry Henry... which admittedly still makes him a first class Carlton Cole but not the unstoppable goal-machine he has often been described. Obviously, having cast doubts over his ability, watch him score 12 of the best goals you've ever seen on Saturday.
In addition, Villa also have Patrick Berger - an ageing but still dangerous attacking option to come off the bench in the last 20 minutes.
The Villans will no doubt be up for it with 'Man-Manager Supremo' Martin O'Neill at the helm. If we don't match them for commitment and work-rate, then I think it will be a morose journey back down the M1 for the Hammers faithful. We took 4 points off Villa in 2005/06 and won the corresponding fixture last year 2-1 having gone 1-0 down, with both Zamora and Harewood on the scoresheet.
I know. Inconceivable.
5 - Untouchable Ulsterman
Just what has Roy Carroll got to do to be dropped? How much money must Curbs be into him for? Is the imminent arrival of a cross into the box during the 4th round of the FA Cup really the time to practice an impression of a migrating Canadian goose? Not even Roy would've put money on maintaining his place in the side so consistently over recent weeks.
Robert Green must be wondering how he alone can seemingly be the only one to pay for the 6-0 drubbing at the hands of Reading. He has the potential to be England's Number 1 and the capacity to pull off saves he has no right to. It's hard to see how a once regular member of the England squad can not warrant a regular starting place in a team languishing at the foot of the table, particularly when he is being kept out by a craggy-faced caveman with a gambling problem who reeks of booze. If good sense prevails (which it rarely does at the Boleyn), Green will be between the sticks at Villa Park.
6 - Firing Blancos
Only just managing to find the back of the net from 6cms out with the outside of your shin does not qualify you as a striking threat, therefore Carlton Cole's place in the starting line-up should not be assured. In fact, none of our strikers have played well enough this season to insure they're an automatic selection. With Dean Ashton apparently having died from a broken ankle, Carlos Tevez still trying to figure out what ever possessed him to come to Upton Park and Marlon and Bobby Z both about as incisive as a gummy bear, the dire situation is screaming for fresh blood. Scoring one goal every 2 hours over the course of this season doesn't bode well... One goal after 60 seconds is a far better return.
Enter Kepo.
Curbs would do well to start with the young Spaniard - he seems both eager and positive and has the added benefit of not having every ounce of optimism sucked from his soul in recent months, like the rest of us. Let's hope some brave selection decisions are made this weekend and not the usual load of bamboozling nonsense.
The next three games are make or break. Anything less than 6 points minimum I don't think will be good enough.
7 - Why Have You Forsaken Us, Oh Lord?
Just in case you're not all miserable enough, it has emerged today that West Ham could be docked points in the advent of the Javier Mascherano debacle. Those scumbags up at Wigan have apprently called into question whether the arrival of Tevez and Mascherano broke the Premier League's Rule U18.
Rule U18 states that a club can not sign a player owned by a 'third party' who would have the "ability materially to influence it's policies or the performance of it's teams". The new regime is declaring that they were not in charge at the time of the signings but the prospect of being docked points is real and could be the final nail in our Premiership coffin.
Let's hope those bigwigs at the Premier League who could be called upon to investigate any alleged wrongdoing are big biscuit fans. Eggy could slip them a packet of Jammy Dodgers and a few Hob-Nobs each and sweep any incriminating crumbs under the carpet.
1 - Disclaimer
Before we begin, I'd like to get in early the fact that this edition of the H-List may not be as insightful, competent or well-structured as previous editions. Mr Shark has abandoned Blighty for sunnier climbs leaving me in charge for the Villa game. It's true to say that the Shark manages to research and analyse every game extensively despite being constantly busy with either his job, wife or young child...
But I've got a Sony PSP and we all know which takes up the most time in the life of a young man.
2 - Fortunes On The Upson?
As you will all be aware, West Ham claimed the biggest scalp of transfer deadline day by finally bringing Matthew Upson to Upton Park for an intial fee of £6 million, much to Steve Bruce's annoyance. I loved the fact that Bruce whined through his horrifically disfigured staircase of a nose about a disregard for contractual obligations. Maybe you should voice your complaints to Palace fans, Steve?
Upson, potentially, could be the rock upon which a successful survival campaign can be built and hopefully will light a fire up the backsides of the hitherto under-achieving Gabbidon and Ferdinand. With the arrival of Davenport, Neill and now Upson, Tyrone Mears loaned out to Derby and the writing seemingly on the wall for Konchesky, it appears Curbs is determined to use Eggy's millions to let everyone know who's boss.
Upson and Davenport sound to me like a promising centre-back partnership and we can hope that the new arrivals will at least provide some healthy competition for the feeble excuse for a defence we've had up 'til now. Perhaps it would be prudent to separate the wheat from the chaff, lest we want a Ranieri-esque squad of around 4 billion.
3 - Quick On The Draw
After an impressive start, Villa have trailed off and are only 9 points ahead of us having flirted briefly with those coveted Champions League spots. This could well be due to the fact that they (along with Fulham) top the league in taking a single point from games, with 11 draws so far this season.
By all accounts they looked not half bad against Newcastle in midweek, despite conceeding twice in the first 7 minutes, and can look menacing in attack on their day. However, despite beating Watford last week they have won only one of their last 6 home games. OK, so we haven't won away from home all season but there's got to be something in all these meaningless stats, hasn't there? Perhaps not... if there is then our fate is sealed.
One thing's for sure, two mediocre defences fighting it out for the right to concede the first goal should make for a fascinating contest.
4 - Brand New Brummies
Ashley Young will be making his home debut in a slightly different shade of claret and blue than some may have hoped for and could conceivably prove a handful - nothing a first minute, knee-high challenge from Christian 'The Enforcer' wouldn't sort out though.
John Carew will no doubt start too. Carew is one of those footballers who has confounded me in his time as a professional. Once touted as potential Real Madrid material, I've never rated him having seen more than a few lacklustre displays in the Champions League. He just seems to be a third rate Thierry Henry... which admittedly still makes him a first class Carlton Cole but not the unstoppable goal-machine he has often been described. Obviously, having cast doubts over his ability, watch him score 12 of the best goals you've ever seen on Saturday.
In addition, Villa also have Patrick Berger - an ageing but still dangerous attacking option to come off the bench in the last 20 minutes.
The Villans will no doubt be up for it with 'Man-Manager Supremo' Martin O'Neill at the helm. If we don't match them for commitment and work-rate, then I think it will be a morose journey back down the M1 for the Hammers faithful. We took 4 points off Villa in 2005/06 and won the corresponding fixture last year 2-1 having gone 1-0 down, with both Zamora and Harewood on the scoresheet.
I know. Inconceivable.
5 - Untouchable Ulsterman
Just what has Roy Carroll got to do to be dropped? How much money must Curbs be into him for? Is the imminent arrival of a cross into the box during the 4th round of the FA Cup really the time to practice an impression of a migrating Canadian goose? Not even Roy would've put money on maintaining his place in the side so consistently over recent weeks.
Robert Green must be wondering how he alone can seemingly be the only one to pay for the 6-0 drubbing at the hands of Reading. He has the potential to be England's Number 1 and the capacity to pull off saves he has no right to. It's hard to see how a once regular member of the England squad can not warrant a regular starting place in a team languishing at the foot of the table, particularly when he is being kept out by a craggy-faced caveman with a gambling problem who reeks of booze. If good sense prevails (which it rarely does at the Boleyn), Green will be between the sticks at Villa Park.
6 - Firing Blancos
Only just managing to find the back of the net from 6cms out with the outside of your shin does not qualify you as a striking threat, therefore Carlton Cole's place in the starting line-up should not be assured. In fact, none of our strikers have played well enough this season to insure they're an automatic selection. With Dean Ashton apparently having died from a broken ankle, Carlos Tevez still trying to figure out what ever possessed him to come to Upton Park and Marlon and Bobby Z both about as incisive as a gummy bear, the dire situation is screaming for fresh blood. Scoring one goal every 2 hours over the course of this season doesn't bode well... One goal after 60 seconds is a far better return.
Enter Kepo.
Curbs would do well to start with the young Spaniard - he seems both eager and positive and has the added benefit of not having every ounce of optimism sucked from his soul in recent months, like the rest of us. Let's hope some brave selection decisions are made this weekend and not the usual load of bamboozling nonsense.
The next three games are make or break. Anything less than 6 points minimum I don't think will be good enough.
7 - Why Have You Forsaken Us, Oh Lord?
Just in case you're not all miserable enough, it has emerged today that West Ham could be docked points in the advent of the Javier Mascherano debacle. Those scumbags up at Wigan have apprently called into question whether the arrival of Tevez and Mascherano broke the Premier League's Rule U18.
Rule U18 states that a club can not sign a player owned by a 'third party' who would have the "ability materially to influence it's policies or the performance of it's teams". The new regime is declaring that they were not in charge at the time of the signings but the prospect of being docked points is real and could be the final nail in our Premiership coffin.
Let's hope those bigwigs at the Premier League who could be called upon to investigate any alleged wrongdoing are big biscuit fans. Eggy could slip them a packet of Jammy Dodgers and a few Hob-Nobs each and sweep any incriminating crumbs under the carpet.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
West Ham 1 - 2 Liverpool (And Other Ramblings)
1. Dictionary Corner
Well, I think we've pretty much exhausted the lexicon for descriptions of our various capitulations this year. In which case I think I'll just go back to the start : appalling, abysmal, atrocious, asinine, Roederian - sorry that was just habit.
2. Atmospheric Pressure
I don't usually comment on the crowd, primarily because I'm usually too busy thinking of ways to fake my own death in order that I never have to come back, and so don't notice.
However, during the opening stages of last night there was as good an atmosphere as I've heard for a while at Upton Park. It probably helps that Liverpool fans aren't mannequins (see "Hotspur, Tottenham"(n)) and can contribute a song or two themselves.
I wasn't overly surprised to hear the chants of "There's only one Alan Pardew" later in the evening, however. It's sad , and a bit pointless although I can strongly identify with the feeling. By the end of the game it reminded me not just of our relegation season in 2002-03, but also of the ceaseless agony of watching us under Billy Bonds. The same listless performances on the pitch, more in hope than expectation and sorely lacking the gusto required to out manouevre a team like Liverpool, who stayed firmly in second gear throughout this game.
3. The Statistics
Not surprisingly Liverpool outstripped us in possession, having the ball for 53% of the time. Given that our sole tactic appeared to have been whacking it aimlessly towards Carlton Cole's head it puzzling that we managed 14 shots at goal, hitting the target with 6 of them.
I have no recollection of us having that many forays into Liverpools half, let alone that many shots at goal. I think they might be counting Carlton's flick ons.
Tellingly, George McCartney had more shots on target than Cole and Harewood combined. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
4. The Opposition
Not bad, not great. Our strict policy of not allowing Goblins to score against us was enforced again as Craig Bellamy went goalless.
Our even stricter policy of letting Liverpool score from outside the box continued as well. That's 3 of their 4 goals against us this year coming from at least 20 yards out. Kuyt's goal, especially was remarkable as he has all the technical ability of a rocking horse.
5. The Referee
Mark Atkinson was his name. Good for him. Could have given us a penalty for a push on Marlon. Presumably didn't on the grounds that he assumed no one would bother to foul Harewood in the box. Which is reasonable.
6. Less Luis, More Matty
I'm struggling to come to terms with the general concept of Luis Boa Morte. I have no idea what he's supposed to be doing but he's currently busy proving the theory that anything bought from Mohammed Al-Fayed is over priced tat.
I think he's a true Blairite. He's supposed to be a left winger but he spends most of his time wandering aimlessly around the middle, pissing everybody off.
So in short, something is ailing my left side Doc, and the prescription should be less Luis Boa Morte.
7. He's Not Firing Blancs
You can tell Kepa Blanco is good. He only has "Kepa" on his shirt.
He also has a very high, rapidly receding hairline. Stick him up front with Dean Ashton and we'll have the best, baldest strike force in the Premiership.
I pity poor Marlon though. Off he goes and within 60 seconds there goes Kepa with his new fangled, Spanish ideas about running into the box and scoring. It's enough to drive a man-child wild.
8. Let's Go Buy A Kuyt
Just to elaborate on my earlier comment about Dirk Kuyt. I have great admiration for him, I just don't think he's very good. He is nowhere near as technically gifted as Crouch or Bellamy, say, but he has that fantastic arrogance that footballers need to be successful. The innate belief that he is a terrific player, despite all evidence to the contrary.
No matter how many chances he spurns he'll always come back for more. Check out the Holland vs Portugal game in the World Cup as Exhibit A for the prosecution.
Contrast that with Harewood who spent large parts of last nights game searching for the elusive exit route from Sammi Hyypia's back pocket.
I'm hoping Kepa shows a bit more gumption.
9. The Long Goodbye
And so I depart. Thanks to Overseas Iron, Ralph and Dot Cotton who will be writing The H List whilst I'm gone. If Michael Dawson doesn't get a good slagging while I'm away then heads will roll.
Those of you on the email list will have to bookmark the site as I won't be able to send the regular notification.
A crumb of comfort for those of you who are going to struggle for a whole month without your usual updates - the last time I left the country is the last time we won a league game. And I'm going to be gone for a month. Think positive people. Me being on the beach for a month is a good thing for us all....
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
There were a couple of great moments last night when Jamie Carragher got into nosebleed territory. One in the first half when Steven Gerrard inexplicably decided to square a free kick to Carragher. With the casual elegance that one would expect he shifted it on to his weaker left foot and calmly placed it into the Bobby Moore Stand Upper Tier.
Two minutes later Carra burst unsuspectingly into a reasonably advanced position. After a quick, but minor, heart attack he promptly unveiled an honest to God, bona fide toe punt. Awesome.
And by any kind of mathematical factor you can think of, he is still better than Michael Dawson....
Monday, January 29, 2007
West Ham vs Liverpool : 30 January 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
1. Where Do We Begin?
I've got to confess. It's been a hell of a struggle to write a preview for this game. Just what on earth is left to say about this miserable, train wreck, Robbie Williams double album of a season?
Can you stop letting in the first goal, lads? Any chance of someone showing some flair? Can you run around a bit more?
I don't think I could have picked a better time to leave the country and head as far away as is humanly possible on this planet.
2. Department Of The Insane
One of my pet hates is when people use the phrase "With my luck". You know, in the context of "It's raining outside, with my luck, all the trains will be delayed". As though somehow it's unlucky to be a middle class Englishman as opposed to, say those lucky bastards born in the Sudan or Soweto. Anyway, I digress.
In the same vein I get irked when people use the phrase, "Only at West Ham". As in "Only at West Ham could a team this good go down". Hello chaps, have you checked out where Leeds are these days?
With all of that said, only at West Ham could the brains trust get together and decide that the way to lift ailing spirits in the stands is to have Bonnie Tyler come on and sing at half time.
You know, like it isn't painful enough anyway?
3. Are You Javiering A Laugh
So long then Javier Mascherano, we hardly knew ye. That heady day in August when I wandered into work and was bombarded with text messages asking if it was true that we had signed Mascherano and Tevez, seems like something from my dim and distant childhood, right there alongside Thundercats and nappies.
I'm not going to retread old ground as it's pretty painful for all of us. We had one of 'those' players and we let him go. I'm guessing there is a book of some substance to be written about the arrival of these guys but for now I'm going to mourn his departure on solely footballing grounds.
How ironic that he should end up at Liverpool, where he'll doubtless have no trouble getting into a team featuring not one Nigel in midfield.
And I know that right now you're all thinking - "Thundercats was great".
4. Scouse About That
Last year's home game with Liverpool was one of those eminently forgettable affairs. Djibril Cisse defied his own genetics and played pretty well, whilst Nigel Reo-Coker and Bobby Zamora basically did the same for us.
Hayden Mullins and Luis Garcia got themselves sent off for being a bit childish and missed the best Cup Final ever as a result. Bet that smarted.
5. Casualty, E13
Our injury list is no laughing matter.
Lucas Neill has joined the legions of wounded men currently not doing their jobs for us. No doubt he's getting to know Dean Ashton, Carlos Tevez, Anton Ferdinand, Danny Gabbidon et al over a Chai Tea Latte and a good book, but is anybody else ever so slightly concerned that our physios seem to be sending half fit players out to do the job of men who are not lame.
I'll tell you what is a laughing matter. At a pub quiz during the week a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, somehow mistook Pele for Mark Walters in the picture round.
Now Rich is a Liverpool fan so lap it up - it's really the only chance we're going to get.
6. Stopping The G Force
I hope Steven Gerrard plays. I know it's bad for us but let's face it, the chances for us to see players like him are dwindling fast.
I have no idea how to stop him. Maybe tackling him would work. Maybe a tactical air strike. I dunno, no doubt Curbishley will blame it on the weather or something if it doesn't work.
7. Our Green Policy
It would seem to me that if Robert Green doesn't get back in the side for this game he never will. Roy Carroll hasn't really looked secure for several months, indeed if I were being cruel I'd say he hasn't looked secure since he was sober.
Saturday's was a bad mistake heightened by the varying degrees of ineptitude in front of him. But this isn't Sunday morning football. I don't care if Roy is the man who organises the whist drive on the way to away games, and gets the hooky DVD's in for the lads, he isn't the best goalkeeper at West Ham and my mind is quite boggled enough by the frankly maniacal team selections being made at the moment without wondering how on earth we are ever going to keep a clean sheet again.
8. We Need To Be More Athletic
We have reportedly today had bids turned down for Darren Bent and Hermann Hreidarsson. Because the current team that Curbishley has been sending out isn't quite dull and uninspiring enough, so we need to recreate his old Charlton team completely.
Be still my beating heart......
I've got to confess. It's been a hell of a struggle to write a preview for this game. Just what on earth is left to say about this miserable, train wreck, Robbie Williams double album of a season?
Can you stop letting in the first goal, lads? Any chance of someone showing some flair? Can you run around a bit more?
I don't think I could have picked a better time to leave the country and head as far away as is humanly possible on this planet.
2. Department Of The Insane
One of my pet hates is when people use the phrase "With my luck". You know, in the context of "It's raining outside, with my luck, all the trains will be delayed". As though somehow it's unlucky to be a middle class Englishman as opposed to, say those lucky bastards born in the Sudan or Soweto. Anyway, I digress.
In the same vein I get irked when people use the phrase, "Only at West Ham". As in "Only at West Ham could a team this good go down". Hello chaps, have you checked out where Leeds are these days?
With all of that said, only at West Ham could the brains trust get together and decide that the way to lift ailing spirits in the stands is to have Bonnie Tyler come on and sing at half time.
You know, like it isn't painful enough anyway?
3. Are You Javiering A Laugh
So long then Javier Mascherano, we hardly knew ye. That heady day in August when I wandered into work and was bombarded with text messages asking if it was true that we had signed Mascherano and Tevez, seems like something from my dim and distant childhood, right there alongside Thundercats and nappies.
I'm not going to retread old ground as it's pretty painful for all of us. We had one of 'those' players and we let him go. I'm guessing there is a book of some substance to be written about the arrival of these guys but for now I'm going to mourn his departure on solely footballing grounds.
How ironic that he should end up at Liverpool, where he'll doubtless have no trouble getting into a team featuring not one Nigel in midfield.
And I know that right now you're all thinking - "Thundercats was great".
4. Scouse About That
Last year's home game with Liverpool was one of those eminently forgettable affairs. Djibril Cisse defied his own genetics and played pretty well, whilst Nigel Reo-Coker and Bobby Zamora basically did the same for us.
Hayden Mullins and Luis Garcia got themselves sent off for being a bit childish and missed the best Cup Final ever as a result. Bet that smarted.
5. Casualty, E13
Our injury list is no laughing matter.
Lucas Neill has joined the legions of wounded men currently not doing their jobs for us. No doubt he's getting to know Dean Ashton, Carlos Tevez, Anton Ferdinand, Danny Gabbidon et al over a Chai Tea Latte and a good book, but is anybody else ever so slightly concerned that our physios seem to be sending half fit players out to do the job of men who are not lame.
I'll tell you what is a laughing matter. At a pub quiz during the week a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, somehow mistook Pele for Mark Walters in the picture round.
Now Rich is a Liverpool fan so lap it up - it's really the only chance we're going to get.
6. Stopping The G Force
I hope Steven Gerrard plays. I know it's bad for us but let's face it, the chances for us to see players like him are dwindling fast.
I have no idea how to stop him. Maybe tackling him would work. Maybe a tactical air strike. I dunno, no doubt Curbishley will blame it on the weather or something if it doesn't work.
7. Our Green Policy
It would seem to me that if Robert Green doesn't get back in the side for this game he never will. Roy Carroll hasn't really looked secure for several months, indeed if I were being cruel I'd say he hasn't looked secure since he was sober.
Saturday's was a bad mistake heightened by the varying degrees of ineptitude in front of him. But this isn't Sunday morning football. I don't care if Roy is the man who organises the whist drive on the way to away games, and gets the hooky DVD's in for the lads, he isn't the best goalkeeper at West Ham and my mind is quite boggled enough by the frankly maniacal team selections being made at the moment without wondering how on earth we are ever going to keep a clean sheet again.
8. We Need To Be More Athletic
We have reportedly today had bids turned down for Darren Bent and Hermann Hreidarsson. Because the current team that Curbishley has been sending out isn't quite dull and uninspiring enough, so we need to recreate his old Charlton team completely.
Be still my beating heart......
Saturday, January 27, 2007
West Ham 0 - 1 Watford (And Other Ramblings)
1. Our Nadir
I'm pretty sure that Alan Curbishley doesn't get the boys together before each game and demand they play so poorly that it convinces all the children watching in the crowd to take up chess - but, I reckon we might have a few Grandmasters on our hands soon enough.
2. The Case For The Defence
When the court case finally comes to trial and Sky are finally asked to prove that the Premiership is the best in the world, rather than just incessantly blathering on about it each week, the existence of Watford as a Premier League side will be Exhibit A for the prosecution.
Now I'm well aware of the breathtaking hypocrisy inherent in that statement, but seriously, it's fairly mind boggling that a team with this little skill and playing football this dour could hold us to a draw and then beat us here.
Regardless of the fact that this was a Cup game, it is performances like this that highlight why we are going down. Good Premiership teams just don't lose to Watford.
3. The Statistics
Despite playing with all the urgency of 11 men walking to the hangman's noose we still fashioned 9 shots on target. Watford showed all the attacking instincts of Ghandi, mustered one shot on target and scored from it. Ah, but of course.
Possession was fairly even, although given the ball spent approximately 90% of the time up in the air I suppose that's all relative.
Interestingly, despite some challenges worthy of the WWE not one Watford player was shown a yellow card. We didn't really go in for tackling as such but still contrived to get 2 players booked. Carlton Cole was one of the culprits having chucked himself down theatrically, and embarrassingly in the box.
And the day you get booked for diving against Watford is the day that desperation has set in.
4. The Opposition
Bolton-lite, or perhaps "The Team That Entertainment Forgot".
When I die and go to the next world there will be an easy test for me to determine whether I'm in Heaven or Hell. Paradise will be France vs Brazil in the Mexico '86 World Cup. Damnation will be Bolton vs Watford.
Not to say that they didn't deserve their victory. They took their solitary chance and defended grimly. I have no qualms with that, indeed I quite admire a team who are are so much more than the sum of their parts. That said, I would say that playing them is the footballing equivalent of stubbing your toe.
It happens to everyone from time to time, it's fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it is invariably very painful.
5. The Referee
At one point this season I described Howard Webb as a "plankton". I'm not exactly reneging on that opinion but he was better this time round. He was a bit laissez-faire with some of Watford's more rough house stuff, but I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wouldn't have minded kicking Luis Boa Morte myself on Saturday, so I can't complain.
6. Which Brings Me Nicely To...
........our new boys.
Lucas Neill lasted all of 48 minutes, looked a bit overweight and slow before hobbling off as our current injury treatment policy of "running until the pain goes or the player dies" paid off again.
Sherlock Holmes once said "You should rule out all possibilities and whatever is left is the truth".
With that in mind I have deduced that Luis Boa Morte must have woken up on Saturday and found that his legs had been surgically removed and replaced with large bars of Toblerone. I've thought this through at length and it's the only logical explanation, because I cannot believe a man who cost us £5m is this bad without having triangular legs made of nougat.
Needless to say, I think Sherlock would have agree, the opium addled smackhead.
Nigel Quashie. When I look at the young Nige I can't help thinking of that scene in Master and Commander where the ship gets caught in an extended period of lifeless seas (The Doldrums for you trivia fans) and decides to chuck himself off the side to save the rest of them. He was known as a Jonah amongst the crew.
You see, Quashie runs around, and shouts and points a lot. Now that's great but then so do madmen. I know I'm banging a forlorn drum here but has ANYONE seen Javier Mascherano recently? If you need a description he looks suspiciously like a world class midfielder last seen looking tasty at the World Cup. And not like a 12 times relegated Jonah....
7. My Moptop Prince
Oh Christian Dailly, you are the love of my life
Oh Christian Dailly, I'd let you shag my wife
Oh Christian Dailly, I want curly hair too-oooooooh
(As heard on Saturday to the tune of "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Andy Williams)
Our best player again. Only marred slightly by having Roy Carroll mysteriously try and mount him in the build up to the Watford goal.
I've got to admit, Christian has won me round. I've always secretly loved him ever since he picked up his teeth out of the ground at Rotherham and carried on playing, and it was cemented during the disgraceful booing he suffered against Gillingham later that year.
I feel I can out myself now though. In this era where it is so hard to identify with those men who wear the claret and blue, Dailly is the man. He's the kid who gets picked last and runs all day, even when he is clearly playing against better players. If he had Nigel Reo-Coker's skills he would be playing for England. Which would be weird and possibly illegal, because he's Scottish, but I think you get my drift.
8. Our Loss Of Nobility
Another repeat point but if I don't emphasise these things you'll never learn.
Why does Mark Noble not get in the squad ahead of Shaun Newton? I know it's easy to be highly principled when the guilty party is as useful as a lift operator but that's not my fault - Newton should not be anywhere near our first team. He used drugs and he should have paid a heavier price.
Instead he gets to keep our promising youngster out of the first team squad and miss one on one chances to score our opening goal against Watford. And just because we're loitering on the subject - where's his neck?
9. How Soon Is Now?
When are we going to show something? When are we going to do something?
Does anyone else get the impression that Curbishley has given up? I only chuck it out there because he seems so devoid of passion or even, dare I say it, intent, on the sideline.
Call me old fashioned but I like to see a manager do what I do when the opposition score. Kick a chair, scream at Roy Caroll (even if he's not playing) or simply weep. Do whatever you like Alan but at the very least would you mind trying to create the impression that you give a damn?
This team selection was a two fingered salute to anyone harbouring hopes of going to Cardiff again. This was unimaginative dross and an awful reminder of our Roederian past.
It seems crazy to be saying it but I wonder how long Curbishley has to turn this round. He was an unpopular choice as manager replacing a popular, if flawed, predecessor. It's seems churlish to criticise his stolid, dull brand of football when the players he has to choose from are so stolid and dull themselves but that is life. One has to work with the tools one is given and Martin O'Neill has shown that labourers can become artisans from time to time.
It's time to stop blaming everyone else Alan. How soon is now mate?
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
A tottenham fan told me that statistically Dawson had been the best player for tottenham this year. I have no idea what that means (Is he the most punctual?) but it put me in mind of a great West Wing quote:
President: They have 100% literacy in Sweden, Leo. 100%! How do they do that?
Leo: I don't know, Sir. Maybe they don't and they can't add up...
I'm pretty sure that Alan Curbishley doesn't get the boys together before each game and demand they play so poorly that it convinces all the children watching in the crowd to take up chess - but, I reckon we might have a few Grandmasters on our hands soon enough.
2. The Case For The Defence
When the court case finally comes to trial and Sky are finally asked to prove that the Premiership is the best in the world, rather than just incessantly blathering on about it each week, the existence of Watford as a Premier League side will be Exhibit A for the prosecution.
Now I'm well aware of the breathtaking hypocrisy inherent in that statement, but seriously, it's fairly mind boggling that a team with this little skill and playing football this dour could hold us to a draw and then beat us here.
Regardless of the fact that this was a Cup game, it is performances like this that highlight why we are going down. Good Premiership teams just don't lose to Watford.
3. The Statistics
Despite playing with all the urgency of 11 men walking to the hangman's noose we still fashioned 9 shots on target. Watford showed all the attacking instincts of Ghandi, mustered one shot on target and scored from it. Ah, but of course.
Possession was fairly even, although given the ball spent approximately 90% of the time up in the air I suppose that's all relative.
Interestingly, despite some challenges worthy of the WWE not one Watford player was shown a yellow card. We didn't really go in for tackling as such but still contrived to get 2 players booked. Carlton Cole was one of the culprits having chucked himself down theatrically, and embarrassingly in the box.
And the day you get booked for diving against Watford is the day that desperation has set in.
4. The Opposition
Bolton-lite, or perhaps "The Team That Entertainment Forgot".
When I die and go to the next world there will be an easy test for me to determine whether I'm in Heaven or Hell. Paradise will be France vs Brazil in the Mexico '86 World Cup. Damnation will be Bolton vs Watford.
Not to say that they didn't deserve their victory. They took their solitary chance and defended grimly. I have no qualms with that, indeed I quite admire a team who are are so much more than the sum of their parts. That said, I would say that playing them is the footballing equivalent of stubbing your toe.
It happens to everyone from time to time, it's fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it is invariably very painful.
5. The Referee
At one point this season I described Howard Webb as a "plankton". I'm not exactly reneging on that opinion but he was better this time round. He was a bit laissez-faire with some of Watford's more rough house stuff, but I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wouldn't have minded kicking Luis Boa Morte myself on Saturday, so I can't complain.
6. Which Brings Me Nicely To...
........our new boys.
Lucas Neill lasted all of 48 minutes, looked a bit overweight and slow before hobbling off as our current injury treatment policy of "running until the pain goes or the player dies" paid off again.
Sherlock Holmes once said "You should rule out all possibilities and whatever is left is the truth".
With that in mind I have deduced that Luis Boa Morte must have woken up on Saturday and found that his legs had been surgically removed and replaced with large bars of Toblerone. I've thought this through at length and it's the only logical explanation, because I cannot believe a man who cost us £5m is this bad without having triangular legs made of nougat.
Needless to say, I think Sherlock would have agree, the opium addled smackhead.
Nigel Quashie. When I look at the young Nige I can't help thinking of that scene in Master and Commander where the ship gets caught in an extended period of lifeless seas (The Doldrums for you trivia fans) and decides to chuck himself off the side to save the rest of them. He was known as a Jonah amongst the crew.
You see, Quashie runs around, and shouts and points a lot. Now that's great but then so do madmen. I know I'm banging a forlorn drum here but has ANYONE seen Javier Mascherano recently? If you need a description he looks suspiciously like a world class midfielder last seen looking tasty at the World Cup. And not like a 12 times relegated Jonah....
7. My Moptop Prince
Oh Christian Dailly, you are the love of my life
Oh Christian Dailly, I'd let you shag my wife
Oh Christian Dailly, I want curly hair too-oooooooh
(As heard on Saturday to the tune of "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Andy Williams)
Our best player again. Only marred slightly by having Roy Carroll mysteriously try and mount him in the build up to the Watford goal.
I've got to admit, Christian has won me round. I've always secretly loved him ever since he picked up his teeth out of the ground at Rotherham and carried on playing, and it was cemented during the disgraceful booing he suffered against Gillingham later that year.
I feel I can out myself now though. In this era where it is so hard to identify with those men who wear the claret and blue, Dailly is the man. He's the kid who gets picked last and runs all day, even when he is clearly playing against better players. If he had Nigel Reo-Coker's skills he would be playing for England. Which would be weird and possibly illegal, because he's Scottish, but I think you get my drift.
8. Our Loss Of Nobility
Another repeat point but if I don't emphasise these things you'll never learn.
Why does Mark Noble not get in the squad ahead of Shaun Newton? I know it's easy to be highly principled when the guilty party is as useful as a lift operator but that's not my fault - Newton should not be anywhere near our first team. He used drugs and he should have paid a heavier price.
Instead he gets to keep our promising youngster out of the first team squad and miss one on one chances to score our opening goal against Watford. And just because we're loitering on the subject - where's his neck?
9. How Soon Is Now?
When are we going to show something? When are we going to do something?
Does anyone else get the impression that Curbishley has given up? I only chuck it out there because he seems so devoid of passion or even, dare I say it, intent, on the sideline.
Call me old fashioned but I like to see a manager do what I do when the opposition score. Kick a chair, scream at Roy Caroll (even if he's not playing) or simply weep. Do whatever you like Alan but at the very least would you mind trying to create the impression that you give a damn?
This team selection was a two fingered salute to anyone harbouring hopes of going to Cardiff again. This was unimaginative dross and an awful reminder of our Roederian past.
It seems crazy to be saying it but I wonder how long Curbishley has to turn this round. He was an unpopular choice as manager replacing a popular, if flawed, predecessor. It's seems churlish to criticise his stolid, dull brand of football when the players he has to choose from are so stolid and dull themselves but that is life. One has to work with the tools one is given and Martin O'Neill has shown that labourers can become artisans from time to time.
It's time to stop blaming everyone else Alan. How soon is now mate?
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
A tottenham fan told me that statistically Dawson had been the best player for tottenham this year. I have no idea what that means (Is he the most punctual?) but it put me in mind of a great West Wing quote:
President: They have 100% literacy in Sweden, Leo. 100%! How do they do that?
Leo: I don't know, Sir. Maybe they don't and they can't add up...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
West Ham vs Watford: 27 January 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
1. Things I Don't Get Excited About
Celebrity Big Brother, golf, cheese, those free papers they give you after work, FA Cup 4th round ties against Watford, shoes, films starring Julia Roberts.....
2. Our Cup Runneth Over
We have something of a reputation for being brittle in the FA Cup. Interestingly, this isn't really based on any, you know, actual facts.
The last 6 teams to knock us out of the FA Cup: Liverpool, Sheffield United, Fulham, Man Utd, Chelsea, tottenham.
Our last real shock defeat was against Tranmere in 1999, a run during which Tranmere also beat Sunderland and Fulham so it wasn't all that big of a surprise. Indeed, given that our backline contained Neil Ruddock and Scott Minto I'd say that keeping it to 1-0 was a triumph of sorts.
We even managed a couple of shocks of our own on the way, namely the 1-0 win over Man Utd and the victory over Bolton last year. We did beat Wolves when we were in the Championship and they were in the Premiership but the only time I would consider a victory for us over Wolves to be a shock would be if it was a fist fight and they were actual wolves.
In the League Cup, however, we're simply crap.
3. Cole Means Goals
Just a thought. Since Carlton Cole came back against Brighton we have scored 8 goals in 3 games. The fact that we were actually attempting to go past the halfway line may be a related issue but that's just nitpicking.
It will be interesting to see how he fares against a team who are limited technically but will prefer playing against a big lumbering type of centre forward (Carlton) than a more mobile, creative type (Anyone else in our squad).
4. Celebrate?
What the hell is going on with our moody players and their celebrations, or more appropriately, the lack of them?
Case in point - Marlon Harewood on Saturday. Now let's face it, Marlon has not exactly been a free scoring goal machine this season and yet somehow we're being subject to these chest beating displays of insouciance from the likes of himself, Reo-Coker and Zamora.
One would think that somehow their performances up to this point in the season have been acceptable and it's us, the fans, who have been unreasonable in demanding little things like effort and competence from our players.
Well screw you, and screw your little clique. You've been doing your jobs so well this season that in a professional league that ranks national performance you are currently the 3rd worst. And if I was a shareholder in a major financial institution watching that kind of output I think I might be doing more than booing you.
5. This Time Last Year
Our 4th Round match last season was a splendidly entertaining, defensively lacking 4-2 win over Blackburn. This featured a lesser spotted Matthew Etherington goal and also included a strike for our new boy Lucas Neill.
I have no idea whether we actually even want to go on a cup run this time around. On the face of it, that's a ridiculous thing to say - or at least slightly more ridiculous than that which usually appears on this site. However, one side effect of our Cup run last year was the near abandonment of our league form. Any such approach this time and we'll all be marvelling over Delia's pies again next year.
6. The Price Of Something No One Cares About
Everyone in the Premier League will tell you that they don't care about the FA Cup. And yet if you want to buy somebody in the January transfer window invariably it will cost you more if they are not cup tied.
We don't have to look far for examples. Last year Norwich held Dean Ashton out of their 3rd Round game against us in order that he wasn't cup tied when we bought him. Thus he was available to score a few crucial goals on the way to Cardiff.
This year Reo-Coker, Quashie and Lucas Neill were absent from their respective 3rd Round games. Maybe there were genuine reasons for this but I'd have to guess that this was done in order to up the price should any of them be sold.
Given that our current approach to transfers appears to be "Hey, we're loaded - never mind fiscal responsibility, how much do you want for him?" I'm not sure it would have made much difference anyway.
7. New Arrivals
Lucas Neill is here, and he's aghast that anyone is speculating that it's because of the money. And he's right. The notion of a professional footballer being solely motivated by pecuniary reward is pushing the envelope slightly. Shame on you all for thinking it.
No doubt, as a young lad growing up in Wagga Wagga, all Lucas ever wanted to do was emulate Geoff Pike and pull on the claret and blue. And you should remember that when you cast aspersions on him and his 40k a week wages.
(Don't believe the hype that he's on 70k. It's errant nonsense apparently - not that this somehow makes 40k an acceptable wage, but you know what I mean).
8. Department Of Delusion
A scenario for you, indulge me please.
Let's just say I'm a well paid professional who is performing so ineptly that my boss has to go out and hire some other people to help pick up the slack. Because the workplace has become an unattractive option for other professionals due to the poor output of my colleagues and I, my bosses are forced to pay above market rate salary to the new employees.
When I hear about this, I ask my friend what he thinks about it and he suggests that I go to my employer and demand a pay rise. Good idea right? Well, only if my name is Nigel Reo-Coker and I have an agent with marbles for grey matter.
In a move of breathtaking hypocrisy, young Nigel reportedly marched into Upton Park yesterday with his half wit agent, Tony Finnegan, demanding parity of income with the new arrivals. Leaving aside the fact that he has been playing so well this year that his own fans have been booing him, it stuns me that a man with 4 years left on his contract allegedly has the temerity to ask for a salary increase.
There is a full transcript of Tony Finnegan's "speech" at the excellent West Ham blog site "West Ham Till I Die" - http://westham.wordpress.com/
I use the phrase "speech" in it's loosest sense as I'm not sure Finnegan has enough cognitive function to actually form words on his own.
I particularly love the quote "For the next 14 games Nigel will give his 110%, that is what I can guarantee every single West Ham supporter", as though this is somehow a situation so unusual it needs to be announced on national TV. Never one to use both his brain cells at once Tony might also want to think about the fact that it also carries an implicit suggestion that up until now, young Nigel hasn't been giving 110%.
When you're done ruining Nigel's career, Tony, perhaps you can focus on something that will really challenge your vast intellect, like tying your own shoelaces or scratching yourself in two places at once.
Just in case it doesn't quite seep through, I don't greatly respect either Nigel Reo-Coker or his agent. I think I've hidden it well though.
9. The Game
I guess I should say something about Watford and this particular fixture.
I dunno - to be honest, I suspect that they will be so cock a hoop at getting £8 million for a player as average as Ashley Young that they might not even turn up.
If they do, I suggest you tilt your neck back and stare at the stars. Every couple of seconds a Watford player will be whacking it into your sphere of vision. Oh joy.......
Just To Clarify
In my last column I made an offhand remark about going to New Zealand. Thanks, therefore to all those of you who wrote to me saying "I didn't know you were moving to New Zealand. All the best, can I have your season ticket/West Wing DVD's/car/house etc...."
Let me clear it up. I'm going for February only, on holiday.
3 avid readers (or about 50% of my audience) have agreed to write some columns whilst I'm away. Overseas Iron, Dot Cotton and one other who doesn't have an online alter ego yet. Many thanks to you all - I look forward to reading your thoughts.
Celebrity Big Brother, golf, cheese, those free papers they give you after work, FA Cup 4th round ties against Watford, shoes, films starring Julia Roberts.....
2. Our Cup Runneth Over
We have something of a reputation for being brittle in the FA Cup. Interestingly, this isn't really based on any, you know, actual facts.
The last 6 teams to knock us out of the FA Cup: Liverpool, Sheffield United, Fulham, Man Utd, Chelsea, tottenham.
Our last real shock defeat was against Tranmere in 1999, a run during which Tranmere also beat Sunderland and Fulham so it wasn't all that big of a surprise. Indeed, given that our backline contained Neil Ruddock and Scott Minto I'd say that keeping it to 1-0 was a triumph of sorts.
We even managed a couple of shocks of our own on the way, namely the 1-0 win over Man Utd and the victory over Bolton last year. We did beat Wolves when we were in the Championship and they were in the Premiership but the only time I would consider a victory for us over Wolves to be a shock would be if it was a fist fight and they were actual wolves.
In the League Cup, however, we're simply crap.
3. Cole Means Goals
Just a thought. Since Carlton Cole came back against Brighton we have scored 8 goals in 3 games. The fact that we were actually attempting to go past the halfway line may be a related issue but that's just nitpicking.
It will be interesting to see how he fares against a team who are limited technically but will prefer playing against a big lumbering type of centre forward (Carlton) than a more mobile, creative type (Anyone else in our squad).
4. Celebrate?
What the hell is going on with our moody players and their celebrations, or more appropriately, the lack of them?
Case in point - Marlon Harewood on Saturday. Now let's face it, Marlon has not exactly been a free scoring goal machine this season and yet somehow we're being subject to these chest beating displays of insouciance from the likes of himself, Reo-Coker and Zamora.
One would think that somehow their performances up to this point in the season have been acceptable and it's us, the fans, who have been unreasonable in demanding little things like effort and competence from our players.
Well screw you, and screw your little clique. You've been doing your jobs so well this season that in a professional league that ranks national performance you are currently the 3rd worst. And if I was a shareholder in a major financial institution watching that kind of output I think I might be doing more than booing you.
5. This Time Last Year
Our 4th Round match last season was a splendidly entertaining, defensively lacking 4-2 win over Blackburn. This featured a lesser spotted Matthew Etherington goal and also included a strike for our new boy Lucas Neill.
I have no idea whether we actually even want to go on a cup run this time around. On the face of it, that's a ridiculous thing to say - or at least slightly more ridiculous than that which usually appears on this site. However, one side effect of our Cup run last year was the near abandonment of our league form. Any such approach this time and we'll all be marvelling over Delia's pies again next year.
6. The Price Of Something No One Cares About
Everyone in the Premier League will tell you that they don't care about the FA Cup. And yet if you want to buy somebody in the January transfer window invariably it will cost you more if they are not cup tied.
We don't have to look far for examples. Last year Norwich held Dean Ashton out of their 3rd Round game against us in order that he wasn't cup tied when we bought him. Thus he was available to score a few crucial goals on the way to Cardiff.
This year Reo-Coker, Quashie and Lucas Neill were absent from their respective 3rd Round games. Maybe there were genuine reasons for this but I'd have to guess that this was done in order to up the price should any of them be sold.
Given that our current approach to transfers appears to be "Hey, we're loaded - never mind fiscal responsibility, how much do you want for him?" I'm not sure it would have made much difference anyway.
7. New Arrivals
Lucas Neill is here, and he's aghast that anyone is speculating that it's because of the money. And he's right. The notion of a professional footballer being solely motivated by pecuniary reward is pushing the envelope slightly. Shame on you all for thinking it.
No doubt, as a young lad growing up in Wagga Wagga, all Lucas ever wanted to do was emulate Geoff Pike and pull on the claret and blue. And you should remember that when you cast aspersions on him and his 40k a week wages.
(Don't believe the hype that he's on 70k. It's errant nonsense apparently - not that this somehow makes 40k an acceptable wage, but you know what I mean).
8. Department Of Delusion
A scenario for you, indulge me please.
Let's just say I'm a well paid professional who is performing so ineptly that my boss has to go out and hire some other people to help pick up the slack. Because the workplace has become an unattractive option for other professionals due to the poor output of my colleagues and I, my bosses are forced to pay above market rate salary to the new employees.
When I hear about this, I ask my friend what he thinks about it and he suggests that I go to my employer and demand a pay rise. Good idea right? Well, only if my name is Nigel Reo-Coker and I have an agent with marbles for grey matter.
In a move of breathtaking hypocrisy, young Nigel reportedly marched into Upton Park yesterday with his half wit agent, Tony Finnegan, demanding parity of income with the new arrivals. Leaving aside the fact that he has been playing so well this year that his own fans have been booing him, it stuns me that a man with 4 years left on his contract allegedly has the temerity to ask for a salary increase.
There is a full transcript of Tony Finnegan's "speech" at the excellent West Ham blog site "West Ham Till I Die" - http://westham.wordpress.com/
I use the phrase "speech" in it's loosest sense as I'm not sure Finnegan has enough cognitive function to actually form words on his own.
I particularly love the quote "For the next 14 games Nigel will give his 110%, that is what I can guarantee every single West Ham supporter", as though this is somehow a situation so unusual it needs to be announced on national TV. Never one to use both his brain cells at once Tony might also want to think about the fact that it also carries an implicit suggestion that up until now, young Nigel hasn't been giving 110%.
When you're done ruining Nigel's career, Tony, perhaps you can focus on something that will really challenge your vast intellect, like tying your own shoelaces or scratching yourself in two places at once.
Just in case it doesn't quite seep through, I don't greatly respect either Nigel Reo-Coker or his agent. I think I've hidden it well though.
9. The Game
I guess I should say something about Watford and this particular fixture.
I dunno - to be honest, I suspect that they will be so cock a hoop at getting £8 million for a player as average as Ashley Young that they might not even turn up.
If they do, I suggest you tilt your neck back and stare at the stars. Every couple of seconds a Watford player will be whacking it into your sphere of vision. Oh joy.......
Just To Clarify
In my last column I made an offhand remark about going to New Zealand. Thanks, therefore to all those of you who wrote to me saying "I didn't know you were moving to New Zealand. All the best, can I have your season ticket/West Wing DVD's/car/house etc...."
Let me clear it up. I'm going for February only, on holiday.
3 avid readers (or about 50% of my audience) have agreed to write some columns whilst I'm away. Overseas Iron, Dot Cotton and one other who doesn't have an online alter ego yet. Many thanks to you all - I look forward to reading your thoughts.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Newcastle 2 - 2 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)
1. When In Greece
Have you ever wondered what people from Greece people say in lieu of the phrase "That is something of a Greek tragedy"?
Well, let me tell you - they say "Cor blimey, that was a bit of a West Ham away game wasn't it?".
2. Uriah Heap's On The Pain
I know it's ridiculous to blame a referee for the outcome of a game. And with you being a West Ham fan and therefore well educated, suave and probably quite good looking, you know it too. But I walked away from this game a with a flaming sense of injustice.
Alright, so it wasn't Uriah Rennie who gave away Newcastle's penalty or missed a last minute sitter but given that he was Newcastle's most influential player on the day I do blame him just a little bit.
Rational thinking and being a football fan don't wander along hand in hand very easily, so I hope you'll extend me a little leeway here.
3. Luis, Luis
Rarely have I seen a footballer spend so much of the game lying down as Luis Boa Morte did on Saturday. I'm all in favour of conserving energy wherever possible but this was ridiculous. I'd have to imagine that after the game he had to use that old Grandpa Simpson quote "On one of my frequent trips to the ground....".
Somewhat unfortunately, on one of these slips, Luis inexplicably gave away the penalty that needlessly gave Newcastle much needed momentum early in the second half. The real shame of it being that up until that point the home side had barely mustered an attack worth the name.
So Luis, let's not set the bar too high. From here on in, not so much "must do better" as "must stand up more".
4. The Statistics
It's churlish to say this but I felt to a degree that our own negativity encumbered us on Saturday. The fact that Newcastle enjoyed more possession (55%) is somewhat irrelevant in so much as they looked absolutely clueless when they had it.
Our dominant first half performance was the West Ham I have been waiting quite a while to see. Full of pace and purpose and outworking an ordinary opposition. If we could have grabbed the third goal that our play deserved then the fact that Rennie had placed his life savings on a 2-2 draw would have been irrelevant.
Our 7 shots on target is roughly equivalent to our entire attacking output since August, as well.
5. The Opposition
Newcastle have been beset by injuries. I have finished wiping my eyes for them though seeing as how they continue to urinate their money up the wall on average players (£9m on Albert Luque - how many homeless people could have been housed for that?).
They played well in the second half, unquestionably, but it is equally true that without their nonsensical first goal they would have had no momentum going in to the second half. And with Roeder's motivational skills that was a banker win for us.
6. The Referee
In case any of you didn't see it, the first goal scored by the home side involved a cross shot from James Milner that Scott Parker jumped over as it went in. Parker was several miles offside but Uriah Rennie saw fit to overrule the flagging linesman.
He later disallowed Calum Davenport's headed winner which was probably a reasonable decision, but by then his continued incompetence had long since exhausted any possible sympathy.
It has been our grave misfortune to encounter two referees, in consecutive weeks, such as Graham Poll and Rennie who are given to overblown displays of pomposity.
7. The Turning Point
30 minutes: Peter Ramage (injured) replaced by David Edgar.
Up until this point Marlon Harewood and Carlton Cole were running riot through the 4 mannequins comprising the Newcastle defence. Having replaced Ramage with a better option (i.e: a human being with motor skills) we didn't get quite so much joy.
8. How Not To Finish
Matthew Etherington ran clean through on goal with just 5 minutes left. At no stage did I think that he was going to score. He's just not that sort of player, and he's not having that kind of season.
In fact, I would honestly have preferred to have seen Roy Carroll in that situation - at the very least Roy might have had a bet on a 3-2 win to inspire him.
9. Our Calumni
Calum Davenport was outstanding on his debut. He set up our first and had a late goal disallowed. He also demonstrated a marvellous new technique for levitating himself off the ground using just the power of his own feet.
I believe that this is known within the trade as "jumping".
10. Bloody Nigel's
Nigel Quashie sustained a very nasty looking cut on his head during the first half. Kudos to him for playing on with the wound but I'd have liked to have seen him get it bandaged up. Teams who have those players never lose.
Elsewhere, the other half of our Nigelic midfield was immense. In fact I'd go so far as to say that this was Reo-Coker's best performance of the season. It was interesting to see how pedestrian he made Parker look, particularly in the first half.
11. Onwards
The upturn in performances since the introduction of the new signings has been encouraging, especially with the possible addition of Lucas Neill before our next league game. This has been counter balanced by the failure to pick up the 6 points that would have turned our season around.
Thankfully Wigan appear determined to try and make Sheffield United look like a real life Premiership side and have joined the relegation fight.
I still feel we are a bit doomed given that Lady Luck has not so much deserted us as taken up with the next door neighbour and is spending the entire day chucking stuff at us from across the garden fence. That said, we are still very much in with a shout as we play Sheffield United, Charlton and Wigan before the end of the season.
Regrettably, we don't have a great track record in games we have to win.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Just the one penalty conceded this weekend. Veritable success for Big 'Ol Useless Mike.
Have you ever wondered what people from Greece people say in lieu of the phrase "That is something of a Greek tragedy"?
Well, let me tell you - they say "Cor blimey, that was a bit of a West Ham away game wasn't it?".
2. Uriah Heap's On The Pain
I know it's ridiculous to blame a referee for the outcome of a game. And with you being a West Ham fan and therefore well educated, suave and probably quite good looking, you know it too. But I walked away from this game a with a flaming sense of injustice.
Alright, so it wasn't Uriah Rennie who gave away Newcastle's penalty or missed a last minute sitter but given that he was Newcastle's most influential player on the day I do blame him just a little bit.
Rational thinking and being a football fan don't wander along hand in hand very easily, so I hope you'll extend me a little leeway here.
3. Luis, Luis
Rarely have I seen a footballer spend so much of the game lying down as Luis Boa Morte did on Saturday. I'm all in favour of conserving energy wherever possible but this was ridiculous. I'd have to imagine that after the game he had to use that old Grandpa Simpson quote "On one of my frequent trips to the ground....".
Somewhat unfortunately, on one of these slips, Luis inexplicably gave away the penalty that needlessly gave Newcastle much needed momentum early in the second half. The real shame of it being that up until that point the home side had barely mustered an attack worth the name.
So Luis, let's not set the bar too high. From here on in, not so much "must do better" as "must stand up more".
4. The Statistics
It's churlish to say this but I felt to a degree that our own negativity encumbered us on Saturday. The fact that Newcastle enjoyed more possession (55%) is somewhat irrelevant in so much as they looked absolutely clueless when they had it.
Our dominant first half performance was the West Ham I have been waiting quite a while to see. Full of pace and purpose and outworking an ordinary opposition. If we could have grabbed the third goal that our play deserved then the fact that Rennie had placed his life savings on a 2-2 draw would have been irrelevant.
Our 7 shots on target is roughly equivalent to our entire attacking output since August, as well.
5. The Opposition
Newcastle have been beset by injuries. I have finished wiping my eyes for them though seeing as how they continue to urinate their money up the wall on average players (£9m on Albert Luque - how many homeless people could have been housed for that?).
They played well in the second half, unquestionably, but it is equally true that without their nonsensical first goal they would have had no momentum going in to the second half. And with Roeder's motivational skills that was a banker win for us.
6. The Referee
In case any of you didn't see it, the first goal scored by the home side involved a cross shot from James Milner that Scott Parker jumped over as it went in. Parker was several miles offside but Uriah Rennie saw fit to overrule the flagging linesman.
He later disallowed Calum Davenport's headed winner which was probably a reasonable decision, but by then his continued incompetence had long since exhausted any possible sympathy.
It has been our grave misfortune to encounter two referees, in consecutive weeks, such as Graham Poll and Rennie who are given to overblown displays of pomposity.
7. The Turning Point
30 minutes: Peter Ramage (injured) replaced by David Edgar.
Up until this point Marlon Harewood and Carlton Cole were running riot through the 4 mannequins comprising the Newcastle defence. Having replaced Ramage with a better option (i.e: a human being with motor skills) we didn't get quite so much joy.
8. How Not To Finish
Matthew Etherington ran clean through on goal with just 5 minutes left. At no stage did I think that he was going to score. He's just not that sort of player, and he's not having that kind of season.
In fact, I would honestly have preferred to have seen Roy Carroll in that situation - at the very least Roy might have had a bet on a 3-2 win to inspire him.
9. Our Calumni
Calum Davenport was outstanding on his debut. He set up our first and had a late goal disallowed. He also demonstrated a marvellous new technique for levitating himself off the ground using just the power of his own feet.
I believe that this is known within the trade as "jumping".
10. Bloody Nigel's
Nigel Quashie sustained a very nasty looking cut on his head during the first half. Kudos to him for playing on with the wound but I'd have liked to have seen him get it bandaged up. Teams who have those players never lose.
Elsewhere, the other half of our Nigelic midfield was immense. In fact I'd go so far as to say that this was Reo-Coker's best performance of the season. It was interesting to see how pedestrian he made Parker look, particularly in the first half.
11. Onwards
The upturn in performances since the introduction of the new signings has been encouraging, especially with the possible addition of Lucas Neill before our next league game. This has been counter balanced by the failure to pick up the 6 points that would have turned our season around.
Thankfully Wigan appear determined to try and make Sheffield United look like a real life Premiership side and have joined the relegation fight.
I still feel we are a bit doomed given that Lady Luck has not so much deserted us as taken up with the next door neighbour and is spending the entire day chucking stuff at us from across the garden fence. That said, we are still very much in with a shout as we play Sheffield United, Charlton and Wigan before the end of the season.
Regrettably, we don't have a great track record in games we have to win.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Just the one penalty conceded this weekend. Veritable success for Big 'Ol Useless Mike.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Newcastle vs West Ham : 20 January 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
1. 39p
If this was an article in The Sun it would have a comparison of the price of a pint of milk the last time West Ham scored a goal away from home and the price today. And probably have things written in CAPITAL letters just to emphasise how truly appalling our away record is.
We have scored away from Upton Park a paltry three times this year - one of which was against Chesterfield and the other two were accidental. As Richard Madeley would say - "Wow!".
I would therefore say that a defence containing Peter Ramage would be the ideal opponent for us if it wasn't for the fact that we have already been kept out once by them this year.
Oh the shame.
2. Bringing Back Some Memories
Watching Newcastle's truly Roederian 5-1 capitulation at home to Birmingham on Wednesday night was a pleasurable experience.
That said - you never want to play a team just after they have been spanked.
Except for Glenn Roeder's West Ham. You might remember that in 2001/02 that we lost 5-0 at Everton and returned the following week fired up and determined to show the footballing world that we were made of sterner stuff. The result: Blackburn 7 -1 West Ham.
So, hope springs eternal. Keep working your magic Glenn.
3. A Bit Of Previous
Our last win at Newcastle was in 1998 when we had Ian Wright and Trevor Sinclair on the scoresheet. We also had Neil Ruddock at the back, a man so immobile he made weather change seem rapid.
I am hoping that his spiritual cousin Titus Bramble is going to be playing on Saturday.
Last year we earned a creditable 0-0 draw, particularly after Paul Konchesky received his annual incorrect red card.
Let us not forget that Newcastle are a mind numbingly average football team at present, but if I go any further down that road we're going to have a major pot/kettle incident on our hands.
4. New Arrivals
As I type this we have signed Calum Davenport from tottenham and appear to be closing in on Blackburn's Lucas Neill, after weeks of being rejected like Victoria Beckham at a karaoke contest.
Dealing with them in order then, I can't let Davenport's signing pass without commenting that he was Michael Dawson's understudy at tottenham. Of course, because I am a football fan I have immediately rationalized this by comforting myself with the fact that tottenham do tend to ruin as many players as they develop. He was pretty decent when he was with us before and he apparently has strong enough neck muscles to head the ball so I'm ok with it.
Let us not forget that this season a West Ham goalkeeper calling for a cross has been less a statement of intent as it has been a tentative subject for discussion.
Quite why Lucas Neill would turn down Champions League football at Liverpool and plump for us is a bit of a mystery. I could be frivolous and suggest that as he's Australian maybe it's because there is a far greater availibility of bar work in London, but you and I both know that it's solely down to the massive wonga we're offering.
Truthfully I don't care. I long ago ceased to care about footballers wages. Of course it's completely obscene to pay a slightly above average Australian full back £50,000 a week but if it helps to keep us up then I think I'll be able to get over it.
5. Those Loveable Geordies
Here's an interesting stat for you.
The number of players in England's 2006 World Cup squad born in the North East of England : 2
The number of players in England 2006 World Cup squad born in Essex/East London : 5
Even more interestingly, an additional 3 players learned their football at West Ham, including one of those Geordies, Michael Carrick.
But the North East of England is the hotbed of English football. I know this because I read it in every newspaper story about Newcastle, ever. They're very passionate. Apparently.
If that means that they all wear their shirts when they're on holiday then I guess I can't disagree.
6. The Roeder Nowhere
I know that I've used that title before but I love it. And I believe in recycling.
Anyway - I, for one, haven't forgotten the fact that Glenn Roeder conducted himself with so much dignity upon his return to Upton Park that he was escorted from the pitch by the police.
I'd love to think that our players haven't forgotten it either, but as they appear to have forgotten how to defend I'm not banking on it.
7. Our Drawing Power
I've just seen that Ashley Young is looking likely to go to Aston Villa. Just to re-iterate, that's Aston Villa - a football team so dull that their own fans go home and watch paint dry to liven up their days.
I doubt that Villa are offering any more money than us considering that someone at West Ham has found Magnusson's pot of gold, so I have to ask whether any one out there is coming to West Ham as a result of being enticed by our manager.
Say what you like about Pardew but new players always strongly expressed a desire to play for him.
8. Just What The Doctor Ordered
No matter what we all might think about Newcastle and their lack of merit relative to, well, a good football team you can't dispute that they must be licking their lips at the prospect of our little circus rolling in to town.
If you ever wanted to get your home form back on track surely you'd want to play West Ham.
9. Striker Light
With Zamora suspended, Tevez and Cole possibly injured and Ashton suffering from Dutch Elm Disease or something, we are quite probably going to be playing Sheringham and Harewood up front.
Neither of whom made it into last weeks squad. Erm...
10. My Pet Hate
I'll bet Shaun Newton's fit though.
PS
I haven't exactly been deluged with offers to write The H List whilst I'm away for February. So you should look forward to updates sent through from rural New Zealand based solely on the BBC website reports.
Which still makes me more qualified to comment on professional football than Ian Wright so don't despair........
If this was an article in The Sun it would have a comparison of the price of a pint of milk the last time West Ham scored a goal away from home and the price today. And probably have things written in CAPITAL letters just to emphasise how truly appalling our away record is.
We have scored away from Upton Park a paltry three times this year - one of which was against Chesterfield and the other two were accidental. As Richard Madeley would say - "Wow!".
I would therefore say that a defence containing Peter Ramage would be the ideal opponent for us if it wasn't for the fact that we have already been kept out once by them this year.
Oh the shame.
2. Bringing Back Some Memories
Watching Newcastle's truly Roederian 5-1 capitulation at home to Birmingham on Wednesday night was a pleasurable experience.
That said - you never want to play a team just after they have been spanked.
Except for Glenn Roeder's West Ham. You might remember that in 2001/02 that we lost 5-0 at Everton and returned the following week fired up and determined to show the footballing world that we were made of sterner stuff. The result: Blackburn 7 -1 West Ham.
So, hope springs eternal. Keep working your magic Glenn.
3. A Bit Of Previous
Our last win at Newcastle was in 1998 when we had Ian Wright and Trevor Sinclair on the scoresheet. We also had Neil Ruddock at the back, a man so immobile he made weather change seem rapid.
I am hoping that his spiritual cousin Titus Bramble is going to be playing on Saturday.
Last year we earned a creditable 0-0 draw, particularly after Paul Konchesky received his annual incorrect red card.
Let us not forget that Newcastle are a mind numbingly average football team at present, but if I go any further down that road we're going to have a major pot/kettle incident on our hands.
4. New Arrivals
As I type this we have signed Calum Davenport from tottenham and appear to be closing in on Blackburn's Lucas Neill, after weeks of being rejected like Victoria Beckham at a karaoke contest.
Dealing with them in order then, I can't let Davenport's signing pass without commenting that he was Michael Dawson's understudy at tottenham. Of course, because I am a football fan I have immediately rationalized this by comforting myself with the fact that tottenham do tend to ruin as many players as they develop. He was pretty decent when he was with us before and he apparently has strong enough neck muscles to head the ball so I'm ok with it.
Let us not forget that this season a West Ham goalkeeper calling for a cross has been less a statement of intent as it has been a tentative subject for discussion.
Quite why Lucas Neill would turn down Champions League football at Liverpool and plump for us is a bit of a mystery. I could be frivolous and suggest that as he's Australian maybe it's because there is a far greater availibility of bar work in London, but you and I both know that it's solely down to the massive wonga we're offering.
Truthfully I don't care. I long ago ceased to care about footballers wages. Of course it's completely obscene to pay a slightly above average Australian full back £50,000 a week but if it helps to keep us up then I think I'll be able to get over it.
5. Those Loveable Geordies
Here's an interesting stat for you.
The number of players in England's 2006 World Cup squad born in the North East of England : 2
The number of players in England 2006 World Cup squad born in Essex/East London : 5
Even more interestingly, an additional 3 players learned their football at West Ham, including one of those Geordies, Michael Carrick.
But the North East of England is the hotbed of English football. I know this because I read it in every newspaper story about Newcastle, ever. They're very passionate. Apparently.
If that means that they all wear their shirts when they're on holiday then I guess I can't disagree.
6. The Roeder Nowhere
I know that I've used that title before but I love it. And I believe in recycling.
Anyway - I, for one, haven't forgotten the fact that Glenn Roeder conducted himself with so much dignity upon his return to Upton Park that he was escorted from the pitch by the police.
I'd love to think that our players haven't forgotten it either, but as they appear to have forgotten how to defend I'm not banking on it.
7. Our Drawing Power
I've just seen that Ashley Young is looking likely to go to Aston Villa. Just to re-iterate, that's Aston Villa - a football team so dull that their own fans go home and watch paint dry to liven up their days.
I doubt that Villa are offering any more money than us considering that someone at West Ham has found Magnusson's pot of gold, so I have to ask whether any one out there is coming to West Ham as a result of being enticed by our manager.
Say what you like about Pardew but new players always strongly expressed a desire to play for him.
8. Just What The Doctor Ordered
No matter what we all might think about Newcastle and their lack of merit relative to, well, a good football team you can't dispute that they must be licking their lips at the prospect of our little circus rolling in to town.
If you ever wanted to get your home form back on track surely you'd want to play West Ham.
9. Striker Light
With Zamora suspended, Tevez and Cole possibly injured and Ashton suffering from Dutch Elm Disease or something, we are quite probably going to be playing Sheringham and Harewood up front.
Neither of whom made it into last weeks squad. Erm...
10. My Pet Hate
I'll bet Shaun Newton's fit though.
PS
I haven't exactly been deluged with offers to write The H List whilst I'm away for February. So you should look forward to updates sent through from rural New Zealand based solely on the BBC website reports.
Which still makes me more qualified to comment on professional football than Ian Wright so don't despair........
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