1. I've Misplaced My Pants
The points made in tonights update will be headed by random quotes from The Simpsons. They will not have any relation to the content but I think we all just need a bit of cheering up, don't you?
2. First I Have To Take Your Pregnant Mother To The Hospital And Now This!
You see I have these two funny looking bones halfway down my leg, I believe the medical men call them "patella", and I'm dying to start jerking them. I've been putting it off for a while but failing to score in consecutive weeks against Newcastle and Man City has pushed me over the edge. Carroll Out! Konchesky Out! Roeder Out! Sorry, old habits die hard.
It's difficult for me to articulate quite how atrocious it is to go to Man City and fail to even muster a shot on target. They have Richard Dunne in their defence for the love of God.
We had 55% possession and couldn't turn it into a goalbound effort. This suggests to me that our back 4 are spending a fair bit of time stroking it around aimlessly to each other. I guess they must be doing something because they sure as hell aren't stopping anybody scoring.
I do know that straws can pierce the skin if you push hard enough, though.
3. We're Here, We're Queer, We Don't Want Anymore Bears!
Your honour, I would like to object in the strongest possible terms to allowing a man by the name of Georgios to score twice against us.
4. If The Flintstones Has Taught Us Anything, It's That Pelicans Can Be Used To Mix Cement
Now some people may choose to blame Hayden Mullins and Christian Dailly for the two goals but I'm not one of them. Sure, they made errors but they did so because they were playing in positions they are not adequately equipped to play in. As soon as I saw our substitutes (Green, Mullins, Bowyer, Tevez, Cole) I feared what would happen if any of our defenders were to get injured. I also wondered just how incriminating are the photos of Pardew that Marlon Harewood must have to still be getting in this team ahead of Tevez and Cole.
5. Kids, You Tried Your Best And You Failed Miserably. The Lesson Is, Never Try
I am extremely disappointed that Kiki Musampa no longer plays for Man City. He has one of my 3 favourite footballing nicknames in "Chris" (I'll explain at the bottom if you don't get it).
Our very own Anton Ferdinand - "Three-o", because apparently he gets the same haircut as Rio, only three weeks later.
And my favourite, Wigan's "One Size" Fitz Hall.
6. Marge: This Is The Worst Thing You've Ever Done. Homer: You Say That So Often That It's Lost Its Meaning
This weekend Thierry Henry said that two players he admired in the Premiership were Kevin Davies and Paul Dickov. I. Have. Not. The. Words.
7. I'm Normally Not A Praying Man, But If You're Up There, Please Save Me Superman
In the search for positivity let me present you with the following tidbit. From our 6 games played this year we have earned 5 points. From the corresponding fixtures last year we gained......... 5 points. This replaces Watford with Sunderland which is a grievous insult to the former, but what can I do. If I was going to replace them with an actual football team of comparable skill levels it would be Hutton Medway "C". Under 12's.
8. Please Don't Eat Me! I Have A Wife And Kids. Eat Them!
One of my loyal army of readers (I'm not sure if it was Mum or Dad) asked if I could comment on the relative merits of Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez. And who am I to deny them.
I firmly believe that both players will be excellent Premiership players, just not for West Ham. I don't think there are many West Ham fans who think that they will stay with us for very long but are merely using this season to get acclimatised.
Tevez looks like a bundle of tricks and makes me long for Dean Ashton to be fit - I think that will be a potent combination. Mascherano looks excellent when in possession and retains the ball superbly. However, he has none of Mullins' mobility and we have already seen a number of fairly average Premership players simply run straight past him - I'm looking at you Obafemi Martins.
In short, they'll improve hugely once they adjust to the pace of the game.
9. Vampires Are Make-Believe, Like Elves, Gremlins, And Eskimos
Jonathan Spector still does not exist.
10. It's True, I'm A Rageaholic.....I Just Can't Live Without Rageahol!
Has anybody seen Matthew Etherington? Last spotted in Micah Richards back pocket.
11. Facts Are Meaningless. You Could Use Facts To Prove Anything That's Even Remotely True!
Gaining points in the Premiership is extremely difficult to do if you are continually behind in games. In fact only ourselves and Boro have been losing at Half Time and won a game. To that end I would be absolutely delighted if we could perhaps see our way to scoring first in a game. It must be having a hugely demoralising effect on the team to know they have to score twice to have even a chance of winning a game. Perhaps we could file that in the "Radical Ideas" drawer under "Pass To Each Other" and "Stop Using The Word 'Exuberance' in Post Match Interviews".
12. Son, When You Participate In Sporting Events, It's Not Whether You Win Or Lose: It's How Drunk You Get.
Amen. Oh, and Kiki "Chris" Musampa. Christmas Hamper for the tottenham fans out there.
........Chelsea beat Fulham and Francis Lampard scored twice. Neither was deflected and he didn't kiss his badge - can you see flying swine?..........Reading drew with Man Utd despite having 38% possession. Ronaldo had 38% himself............Liverpool beat tottenham after Jermaine Jenas missed an open goal from 9mm. And there are people out there who deny the existence of God...........Aston Villa beat Charlton. Olof Mellberg really does look like a man who has just jumped off a longboat in search of a small English hamlet to pillage.......Arsenal beat Sheffield United and Alan Wright played! You know the fellow, 9 inches tall. Shit..............Watford drew at Wigan even with Malky Mckay in the team. A man who makes global temperature change look pacey.......
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
Big Mike was typically useless as tottenham collapsed 3-0 at Liverpool. I'm not sure why Martin Jol doesn't just dig a hole outside the box. It would have broken up more atacks than Dawson and you might get the added bonus of seeing Craig Bellamy fall down there. And most Premiership fans could live with that.