1. Excuse Me
This match preview is brought to you from cloud cuckoo land. It's great here. The sea is on fire, it's snowing in the desert, Stilian Petrov is worth Â£9m and hang on, what was I going to say...oh that's right, Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez play for West Ham.
Actually, calling this a match preview could get me prosecuted under the Trades Description Act. This is little more than the scribblings of a very excited loon and for that I apologise to the zero Villa fans reading.
2. Portsmouth Tried To Get Them Too?
I think I'll simply ignore that.
So, how does this work exactly? We jump into bed with the shadiest bunch of men in football (think about how dodgy you have to be to get that particular sobriquet) and end up with two, quite ugly, but World Class players nonetheless.
Every public utterance from West Ham so far has mentioned that under no circumstances will these lads be going anywhere, anytime soon. Now that's a bit like a George W Bush telling you to chill out, maan, 'cos Peace is the way forward. I am..............wary.
I don't know. I'm so confused, I won't know whether to boo or hiss Gavin McCann this Sunday.
4. Chairman Mouse
Terence Brown has not been a good chairman for West Ham. In fairness hisperformancee since relegation in 2003 has been excellent (or in other words - how he should have been doing it before), but overall he did rather sit playing his violin whilst the Titanic slowly sank.
And now we might end up with Kia Joorabchian. There has been so much written about this potential deal that I have taken to simply ignoring most of it. It is surely significant that no Fleet Street journalist had any inkling of the transfers until they happened, so I see no reason why they would be any the wiser now.
In other words, I am going to find the largest piece of sand I can and stick my head firmly in it. I have waited pretty much all my footballing life for this day and I have decided not to question why this little slice of Dionysian luck has landed in my lap. They say ignorance is bliss and knowledge is power. I guess one of them is lying.
5. Our Scrabble Team
It is entirely possible that we could field the following team at some point this year:
Carroll, Paintsil, Konchesky, Gabbidon, Ferdinand, Mascherano, Reo-Coker, Etherington, Benayoun, Sheringham, Zamora.
Count the syllables folks. Poor old Carlton Cole doesn't stand a chance.
Actually, if Teddy Sheringham starts a game for us this year it will presumably mean the Bubonic Plague has swept through our dressing room.
6. Some Stuff About Villa Then
We usually draw against Villa, and I must confess they are one of my most hated opponents. Not for any particular reason other than that they are so deadly dull. Prior to last years memorable 4-0 barbecuing of The Villians we had not beaten them since a John Hartson double secured a 2-1 win in 1997. There was a League Cup penalty shoot out in between times, but let us never speak of that again.
This year Villa have drawn at Arsenal, and beaten Reading and Newcastle. They have Juan Pablo Angel in their squad. Martin O'Neill is a genius.
7. Hare Today
Both Bobby Zamora and Marlon Harewood scored against Villa last year. Harewood netted 4 times over the 2 games , and Bobby got the winner up at Villa. The latter goal was a header which just proves that our entire season was the result of some Faustian pact.
Presumably one of them will have to be on the bench now Tevez is here. That's quite a difficult decision for Pardew as neither really deserve to be dropped. This is actually my biggest concern over these new signings. If, say, Mullins and Harewood were to become disenchanted and leave this season it would severely weaken our squad for the future. Not as much as signing Damien Johnson would have done though. What was that about?
8. While We're At It Department
I know it's not West Ham related but a quick mention of this weeks England games.
Peter Crouch is not going to break Bobby Charlton's goalscoring record. It was nice of Gerrard to say that about his colleague but I sincerely hope that UEFA didn't drug test him after that statement.
Andorra managed not one single attempt on goal, or even a corner against England. Wes Brown somehow still got himself booked. That's some nice work there Wesley.
Stewart Downing is made of bacon. And is pointless.