Portsmouth 2 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Well I Don't Think Any Of Us Could Have Seen That Coming

I'm fairly confident that the word you're looking for is "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh".

2. I Saw Us Score A Goal Once, Son

6 games without a goal and the last man to score at the Boleyn was Henry VIII. I count myself as mildly frustrated at this point. I could just about cope with our ongoing impotence if we looked like we might be on the verge of scoring, but we simply don't. In fact we look like a team who will never score again. We're turning into (gulp) .... Sunderland.

3. Use The Force!

I'm running out of ways to say this. Perhaps Master Yoda can help me:

"Stop the first goal letting in you twats".

I think that just about covers it.

4. The Stats

Per www.espn.com and their excellent Gamecast, Portsmouth managed 19 shots, of which 6 were on target. We mustered a mighty 6 in total of which just 3 were on target, and none were mighty. We did not manage a single effort from inside the box which suggests once again that we are just not incisive enough to score goals in this division at present. How would you feel if I told you that Portsmouth's back 4 had four times as many shots as our 4 strikers in total? Pretty chipper - no doubt.

Frustratingly we had 56% possession, all of which combines to prove that we are pretty decent at keeping the ball in areas where we cannot hurt the opposition, so they tend to let us have it. And why not? Great White Sharks ain't so tough when you get them in a boxing ring.

5. The Opposition

Pompey came as advertised really. Very strong defensively and adequate going forward. It's tough to imagine them in Europe but then it's even tougher to imagine us in Europe and we managed it. Of course we were about as successful as the Spanish Armada but that's not the point.

They are essentially an identikit Premiership team. A few ex internationals on the way out but who are still holding their own, mixed in with a few decent English journeyman who've been around a bit and a manager who knows not to get caught out by Panorama documentaries.

6. The Referee

Graham Poll defies description. Of the estimated one million words in the English language none of them are sufficient to articulate quite how many decisions he gets consistently wrong. Pompey's first goal for instance.

That said, blaming Poll for our continued uselesness is pretty dumb. We may as well blame James Blunt. Not that I am against heaping opprubrium on James Blunt you understand, but there are plenty of legitimate reasons to do that without dragging West Ham into it....

7. My Dictionary And Your Dictionary Must Be Different

Does anybody else find it offensive to concede yet another goal to Andy Cole? This is the man who released his own rap record, modestly titled "I'm Outstanding". Sure.

And Ashton Kutcher is going to release a film called "I'm Quite The Thespian".

8. Karma Police

Elsewhere, Francis Lampard scored with a shot that took not one, but two deflections on it's way in. Some people would use this as further evidence that Lampard is the luckiest man alive. I just treat it as an example that the Universe is in good working order. You know what I mean - Has the Sun come up? Check. Is gravity still working? Check. Has Francis Lampard scored a deflected goal? Check. Excellent - I can go out today.

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering.

Wow. That's two weeks in a row that Mike has had to go off with concussion. I'm wondering if his brain hasn't just overloaded with the sudden realisation that somebody is actually paying him to be this incompetent.