Overly long writings about West Ham United FC. This is the kind of thing you might like, if you like this kind of thing.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

tottenham 1 -0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Whoddathunkit?

If you get frustrated enough you can poke a candle through your own chest.

To summarise then: We played a mediocre team, conceded an above average goal to a below average player, didn't have many shots on target, didn't score but we tried hard.

I just cut and paste that in now.

2. Amused Or Bemused?

Is there any point at which our continued total ineptitude becomes amusing? No? I agree - I'm just checking.

I only ask because 144 games without scoring, or whatever our current run is, does tend to wear ones patience ever so thin.

3. The Stats

49% possession. Whatever. You're playing against Jermaine Jenas - he gives you 25% on his own. 2 shots on target all game would suggest that we are simply not good enough at this level. I swear to God I keep expecting to look over and see Glenn Roeder "orchestrating" events from the sidelines.

4. The Opposition

tottenham ain't that good. They are good enough to beat us which sets them apart from absolutely nobody in this league, and quite probably several other leagues too.

Aaron Lennon is really quite a good player though - he is going to have a fantastic career for one of the Big 4 when he eventually moves on, a la Michael Carrick.

5. The Ref

Good old Steve Bennett, a man I lovingly referred to as a "plankton" after the first game of the season. He managed to stand watching Jermain Defoe biting Javier Mascherano and only booked him. Not that it would have made any difference but I think I would have enjoyed seeing him send off Defoe. What am I saying? I would have definitely enjoyed that.

6. West Ham United Nations

The nationalities of those who have scored against us this year.

English, English, Danish, English, English, Italian, Irish, Nigerian, Greek, Greek, Brazilian, Brazilian, Italian, Korean, Nigerian, English, Egyptian.

Say what you like about us but we are non-discriminatory in our uselessness. It is probably some sort of karmic justice that a defence as appalling as ours should let a player as appalling as Mido score the winner.

7. On The Plus Side

Charlton exist. Otherwise this season could have been a bit embarrassing.

8. Tactical Wariness

West Ham Substitution: 82 Mins - Marlon Harewood replaced by Christian Dailly.

And moving right along.

9. The Future's Bright

I still have faith in Alan Pardew. He has taken us this far against somewhat spectacular odds, and the Premiership is so consistently average that there is no reason we cannot, you know, score again this season.

Our next 4 games are Blackburn (h), Arsenal (h), Boro (a), Chelsea (h). So things aren't getting any easier but we have summarily proved that we cannot score against the worst the league has to offer so we may aswell try against the best. It cannot get any worse.......


There won't be an update for Chesterfield, not that they are not good enough, but because I am working on an article for The Monkey Tree magazine (www.themonkeytreemagazine.co.uk). This is a free magazine distributed to parents in the Loughton, Chigwell and Buckhurst Hill area (I guess I didn't feel that my current readership was niche enough).

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

Some of you might think that today is not a good day to mock young Michael, however you'd be wrong. It's never a bad day.

I have come to the conclusion that Michael Dawson is not, as previously stated, a large flat piece of wood. I now believe he is a large, hollow piece of wood. Filled with hundreds of miniature soldiers who will burst out of him one night and invade Troy. A sort of Trojan donkey, if you will.......


  1. dot cottons bairy hiff1:51 PM

    Could I just ask why you hate Micael Dawson so much? I for one think he is performing very well for Spurs and is well worth a place in the England squad. Also, how many more games would you allow A Pardew to try and turn results around? At what point would you relieve him of his duties. Your views please.

  2. I'll add some answers to the next preview.

    "Michael Dawson......well worth a place in the England squad."

    Although based on the content of your post I suspect you're on drugs and probably won't recall asking the questions in the first place.