**** Pardew sacked as of 2.15pm today. Some possible H List reaction to follow tomorrow. Then again, maybe not, I'm a mercurial sort of fellow****
1. You Should Count Yourself Lucky
At least you only have to watch this garbage, I have to write about it too.
2. The Vent
I feel I've been patient. Hell, I think we've all been incredibly patient, but this one might be the straw that breaks the camels back. Everyone involved in this debacle should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
This was a disgraceful display. Inept, gutless, insipid and downright woeful. Alan Pardew's team selection was somewhat puzzling in that it included both George McCartney and Christian Dailly who are both limited at best, and liabilities at worst. That said, they were far from the worst offenders in this particular crime against football.
In the vast annals of our crap away defeats this one sits proudly alongside the infamous 7-1 defeats at Blackurn and Man Utd and the 6-0 reverses at Everton and Oldham.
In fact, if I didn't have my friend Chris watching the game with me, yelling Borat quotes across the room, this would have been the biggest waste of 90 minutes of my life since an acquaintance once said to me "You should really watch Van Helsing, it's great".
3. The Best West Ham Performance Of The Night
A word for the few thousand hardy lunatics who made the trip to the "(Permanently Half Empty) Reebok Stadium".
They were magnificent, heartily outsinging the home fans. Now I will admit that isn't too tricky given that Miss Shark Junior and I managed that on our own from our front room. (Although we were singing "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands!" which was a blatant lie, but you have to put on a brave face for the kids at times like this). They did it at 4-0 down as well.
So then - a Victoria Cross for each of the travelling fans and a Victoria Beckham album for each of the travelling players and coaching staff.
4. The Statistics
We mustered 47% possession which must have come mostly from kicks offs and goal kicks because I can't recall more than 4 consecutive passes at any stage. More tellingly the shot count was 17 to 3 in Bolton's favour without us mustering even one attempt on target.
So if you think about it, Bolton could conceivably have played this game without a goalkeeper and we would still have lost 4-0.
Remember though - 'tis the season to be jolly.
5. The Opposition
Bolton are like trips to the dentist.
I hate them, they come round a couple of times a year, are unavoidable, and almost always end up with me writhing around in agony on the floor.
Be that as it may, they were still a million times better than us.
6. The Referee
On another day I might have taken umbrage at Howard Webb's rather laissez faire approach to Bolton's overly physical style but when our players were being so lily livered all over the pitch you just have to shrug your shoulders and drink another beer.
7. Crimes Committed
Just to confirm then that Kevin Davies has now scored 50% of his seasons goals against us. Nothing to be ashamed of there, so let's move on.
I can't actually work out what offended me more. The crime against humanity of letting El Hadji Diouf run unopposed from the halfway line and score, or the crime against fashion that was the pink and beige scarf Sam Allardyce was wearing.
8. The Hangman's Noose
Rather ominously for Alan Pardew, Sky showed a montage of the new chairman's reaction to the goals going in, and I must say, he did not look happy. In fact he looked P45 unhappy.
I would go so far as to say he looked liked I did, except for the fact that my world weary visage remains unchanged on days like this. I've seen us lose 3-0 at Notts County for heaven's sake.
I also don't have a forehead the size of Mount Rushmore.
Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering
This morning as I stood crushed into a 3 inch space on the delayed (naturally) 08.48 all stations from Romford to Liverpool Street, it occurred to me that human beings are not overly intelligent.
Why else would I pay £8 for the dubious privilege of watching my team capitulate in the rain at Bolton despite predicting exactly that result on Friday night? Why also would you delay said train by 30 minutes simply by trying to force yourself in to a millimetre of space when there is a train RIGHT BEHIND this one? (Either that or somebody decided to hold a Professional Morons Competition this morning at Maryland).
Anyhow - to the bloke who gave Michael Dawson 9 out of 10 in The Observer - do you know what an own goal is?...........