1. Love Is Blind, Contempt Lucid
Should I ever consider staying up ‘til 4am to watch such a wretched display as tendered by West Ham at the weekend, I’ll do well to remember that I’m likely to derive as much pleasure from hammering cuff-links into my foot.
With my other foot, having just severed it with a plastic fork.
Has there ever been a better time to beat Man United? A team which began the match in the absence of Ferdinand, Vidic, Van Der Saar, Jonny Evans, John O’Shea and the Da Silva twins, ended with a back-four of Evra, Carrick, Fletcher and Giggs.
Both Jack Collison and Junior Stanislas were poor, the latter consistently making flawed choices despite the efforts of Guillermo Franco to provide decent opportunities. Franco should have been more selfish, and along with Scott Parker, was the only player to emerge with any credit.
Displays like that lead me to conclude that our best chance of survival this year lies solely in the hope there may just be three teams more inept than ourselves.
2. Opposition
On current form, Birmingham City are not one of them.
The Blues have enjoyed a sustained purple patch, putting eight points between themselves and the relegation zone and securing a top half spot under the commendable tutelage of manager, Alex McLeish.
Unbeaten in six, with four wins and draws against Liverpool and Man City, McLeish has got Birmingham working for one-another
Ex-Hammer, Lee Bowyer, grasped the opportunity of regular football and flourished as a result, doing more for Birmingham this year than he ever did during his two spells at West Ham.
Unhampered by intellect, Bowyer has put in a few man-of-the-match performances, scored five goals in the process and was duly rewarded with a cemented berth in the midfield of my fantasy team – no mean feat, as I tinker more than Claudio Ranieri on soiled barbiturates.
Sebastian Larsson and James McFadden combine with Bowyer to form a competent midfield, accomplished in the fundamentals. They also comprise the club’s three top-scorers this season, picking up the slack from the under-firing front two of Cameron Jerome and Christian Benitez.
As the above suggests, in some ways Birmingham City are currently our antithesis – an average playing staff who constitute a team greater than the sum of their parts.
At present, we look every inch our rusted, malfunctioning, poor man’s Kwik-Fit, bargain bin selves.
3. History
In recent years, St. Andrews has proven a happy hunting ground. Last year saw us claim a 1-0 victory courtesy of a penalty after Craig Bellamy was very obviously brought down.
Fair-minded then manager, Steve Bruce, claimed that because the ball was headed for a goal kick, no penalty was warranted. One can only assume that Bruce was suffering from a particularly turbulent vortex at the end of his Angular Hooter™ that day.
4. Midfield Mire
Last week’s omni-shambles saw us regress into the midfield impotence that plagued us earlier this season.
While Kovac played probably as well as I’ve seen him, I will never condone a midfield which incorporates the regularly excellent Scott Parker alongside Kovac and/or Noble. I just don’t see how either of the other two provide anything that Parker can’t himself surpass.
It’s exactly like having just two filling options in a sandwich, choosing a delectably pungent mature cheddar and following up with a frugal, rubbery flap of ‘American cheese’. Absolute madness.
You could argue that with Behrami and Noble both injured, Kovac was a foregone conclusion, but where did that get us?
If Diamanti is fit, stick him in there for an hour. Yes, he’s erratic, occasionally reckless and half of his ‘incisive’ passes are more likely to incise your face, but he’s the only midfielder with the nerve to try something different.
Failing that, give The Spectral Embodiment of Luis Jiminez© a starting berth. A run of games can do him little harm and he has to be more offensively astute than Kovac/Noble. SURELY.
5. Case For The Defence
I was asked what I wanted for Christmas the other day. My response of ‘a few clean sheets’ raised unwarranted questions about my private life (which is nobody’s business), but the sentiment was sound.
Where to begin?
Danny Gabbidon’s hesitancy was obviously at fault for United’s second, and the inclusion of the emergent yet undeveloped James Tomkins in such a game at the expense of the up ‘til now decent Manuel da Costa, at a time when a succession of games was proving fruitful for the Portuguese, did neither party justice.
Hopefully Matthew Upson will brave the scolding abuse of his erstwhile employers and exert his influence to shore up a leaking back line.
My god, Robert Green was so disgusted with what lay before him on Saturday he had to go off the pitch and puke.
6. Injuries
Yowzer.
Add Zavon Hines to the list and what are we left with? The prospect of Kieron Dyer getting a nitrous oxide package on his mobility scooter to spring the offside trap.
With our defence in its current state and our midfield content to run in every direction but forward, poor Guillermo Franco must look back on the dearth of resources available to him in the Mexican slums as a time of wondrous plenty.
What are the most realistic options? Franco upfront alone? Nouble alongside him? Diamanti in the hole in support of Dyer and Franco? Mike Small wandering sufficiently offside to give Trevor Morley space to take the scissors out of his back?
I’m full of theories, but can’t honestly say I have any confidence in a single one of them.
7. Back In Black And Blue
Another week, another tale of a takeover.
Those fine footballing brains at Straumur have reportedly set a deadline of today for any and all takeover offers to be submitted, enlisting Rothschild to oversee any deals.
Our Icelandic overlords are themselves applying for a nine-month extension to the moratorium of their creditors, and while this is expected to be granted, its absence would demand a quick sale.
The only serious (at least, public) contenders are funnily enough, ex-Birmingham City owners David Sullivan and David Gold.
The Davids have promised January investment and the retention of our star-performers (whoever they are), so long as they can acquire the club for a nominal fee in light of our debts.
Straumur have thus far resisted and things will likely chug along with all concerned looking to exact their pound of flesh at the expense of the fans, while I’m left to rake up this muck again in a month or so.
8. You Can’t Beattie A Bit Of A Bully
Should there be any money available in January, in our current plight I think we could do worse than signing want-away Stoke City striker, James Beattie.
Beattie made the news this week after fisticuffs with his manager, Tony Pulis, post-Stoke’s defeat to Arsenal. Pulis had apparently apologised to the whole squad bar Beattie, latterly having a one-on-one with his frontman, and now claims the matter is over.
At 31, Beattie would be cheap and is no more a gamble than DiMichele, Tristan or Franco. Another alleged target, Adriano, is more likely to pile on 10-stone and be the latest in the line of ex-legends happy to collect a tidy West Ham pension.
While he is no goal machine, Beattie would provide some gumption upfront, put himself about and generally be a right pain in the arse for the opposition, thereby freeing up space for anyone who isn’t mincing sideways around the edge of the area like an effeminate crab.
My god, if there were dressing room altercations after every time we lost to Arsenal, we’d all be watching the game atop a stinking pile of corpses.
9. An Open Letter To Gianfranco Zola
Dear cheeky little Franco Zola,
Despite what have admittedly been some testing times, I remain a supporter of yours and still feel your overall service thus far justifies time in the job.
However, the next time your band of rascals put in a performance of galling inadequacy, please, please do not emerge from the dressing room gushing empty platitudes along the lines of:
‘I can’t fault the players, they were fantastic. They gave everything. They did everything I asked of them.’
This approach can only result in three possible outcomes:
(i) You look like you have no idea what you’re doing
(ii) You ruffle the fine winter plumage of your hitherto accommodating support and
(iii) I feel like squeezing your diminutive frame into a blender, which would be horrible for me as you have such an endearing, cheeky smile.
May I suggest that you either keep these fallacies to yourself and maybe watch a tape of the game when you get home, or give your staff the kick up the backside they merit.
Yours,
Boleyn Beluga and his illusory readers.
10. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
So, more doom and gloom with not so much as a glimmer of hope on the horizon, but if we didn’t laugh, we’d cry.
In that spirit and in the season of Christmas cheer, Craig Bellamy has swine flu.
And Roy Hodgson made the most unenthusiastic and tempered endorsement for England selection in history from a manager in regard to one of his own players:
"You could make a case for one or two more unusual selections, players who have something a bit extra. If you perpetuated that argument, you might come up with an argument for someone like a Bobby Zamora."
Go on, put a smile on your face.
Showing posts with label Birmingham. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Birmingham. Show all posts
Friday, December 11, 2009
Sunday, February 10, 2008
West Ham 1 - 1 Birmingham City (And Other Ramblings)
1. Proof That Shameless Begging Doesn't Work
The voting for the http://www.soccerlens.com/ awards have now finished, and we have performed about as well as the Ronnie the Rhino Party did at the last general election. As West Ham fans we are more than capable of coping with the emotion of humiliation tinged with abject failure, so you needn't worry about our ability to get on with things.
We'd like to thank the 12 of you who voted for us, though. (3%! My God - Ross Perot got more than that. My head is currently hanging in shame).
2. An Admission Of Guilt
This game took place a very very long time ago. I can barely remember it to be truthful. This is not a bad thing. In fact, if anything, I remember way too much about it. It may well be the case that an awful lot of this review is made up. I feel this will improve things.
3. Where Do We Go From Here?
Let's be honest about this. Last year was an appalling, fantastic, dire but ultimately thrilling ride. None of us ever wanted to go through it all again, and we dreamed of days like this, when we could draw 1-1 with Birmingham in a game so dull it would cause God himself to cry, and it wouldn't matter one iota.
Well, here it is. Be careful what you wish for.
On a weekend when the Premiership clubs proved exactly how much they care about you and the sanctity of the English game by proposing to play games in Beijing, here was an example of everything that is wrong about top flight football in this country. Two teams almost totally devoid of flair, battling valiantly but serving up a game of football that could almost entice a man to turn to golf.
You know things are bad when you find yourself wondering when Bobby Zamora is going to be fit.
4. I've Got The Blues
If they send dross like this over to Miami then we might end up alienating the entire Continent quicker than you can say "Communism Rocks!".
Both myself and Beluga have been relentlessly highlighting the near catatonic state of our attacking play, and there was no visible improvement today. Faced with a determined, but very limited, Birmingham team we huffed and puffed, and ultimately blew ourselves out long before this torture was mercifully ended.
Trying to watch us at home this season has been a long and painful task. Our season has been littered with results like this, and even though we don't lose very often at home, we also don't win that much either, and we do it providing the sort of entertainment a man can usually only get at the orthodontist.
5. The Opposition
It is not exactly my place to be pointing fingers at teams like Birmingham and tutting. Sure, playing for a draw and doing it with all the excitement of the latest Amy Winehouse story is hardly a recipe for getting the rest of the world to love you, but desperate times and all that. Alex McLeish has done a splendid job since taking over and has his team playing to the best of their extremely limited abilities, evidenced by some excellent results at tottenham and Arsenal before this.
However, if Abraham Lincoln was to have commented on this game he would have described it thus: "People who like this kind of thing, will find this the kind of thing they like".
Now not a lot of people know that Big Abe was quite in to his footy as a kid until he took his GCSE's and his mum told him to concentrate on either the whole slavery thing or writing about the Beautiful Game. But basically, what he was saying was "If you like dull, turgid, lifeless games of football then you'll love this". (As the rest of the footballing world looks squarely at Middlesbrough fans).
6. The Referee
Referee Mark Clattenburg only really had two significant decisions in this game and didn't over impress anyone in making them. He firstly gave James McFadden a fairly soft penalty after a criminally poor piece of defending by Lucas Neill. Our demi God full back allowed McFadden to roll him before he stuck out his hands, probably in shame, and gave the Scot a tug on his shirt which apparently caused him to lose all use of his legs.
With the match dwindling to a merciful end, Clattenburg then somehow chose to extend the agony by sending off Lee Bowyer. I can understand the decision - it was a strange tackle and maybe looked worse than it was, although I was more surprised that Hayden Mullins went unpunished for his equally late challenge just moments before.
Of course, Clattenburg later rescinded the card, which at least shows that he has functioning eyeballs.
7. Swede Dreams
Curiously, this game started somewhat brightly. After just 7 minutes, Freddie Ljungberg showed the world that if the ball is bouncing around 4 yards from goal with the opposition defence off on a hiking trip in the Andes, then he has no peer in global football.
Quite aside from that, Ljungberg was excellent. His return to form has coincided with his muscles beginning to function like those of ordinary human being, and it is probably not too garish a suggestion that this is his best run of form for a couple of years. I have upgraded my valuation of him from "a large bag of spanners" to "actual legal tender".
Of course, he will never be the force he was at Arsenal. For a start his pace has declined to the point that could be best described as "Ashtonian", whilst the fall off in his goalscoring is the really telling aspect. All of the above being true, one cannot overlook the fact that he is now having his darting runs picked out by Hayden Mullins rather than Tomas Rosicky.
8. My Kingdom For A Horse
The most disappointed man in the ground on Saturday must have been Dean Ashton. With Fabio Capello in attendance, presumably to check out the great swathes of Englishmen on display, Ashton spent 90 minutes doing a very passable impression of a less talented man than Darren Bent.
It is all very well moaning about the lack of salary (that'll be just the £25,000 a week), or the lack of first team opportunities but if you are going to spend 90 minutes being outplayed by Liam Ridgewell then there are mirrors somewhere out there which can provide you with the opportunity for the required good, long look.
I would urge time and a bit of nurturing for Ashton. He seems to be the next in line for the Upton Park boo boys which strikes me as extraordinary when Luis Boa Morte is still on the payroll, but logic has never sat comfortably in the Bobby Moore Lower. Here is a guy returning from a career threatening injury into team devoid of attacking flair, playing a 4-5-1 system that may as well have been designed to stop him being effective, such is his inability to fit in.
It has been a long and painful road to get to this juncture. I cannot see things easing until next year....
The voting for the http://www.soccerlens.com/ awards have now finished, and we have performed about as well as the Ronnie the Rhino Party did at the last general election. As West Ham fans we are more than capable of coping with the emotion of humiliation tinged with abject failure, so you needn't worry about our ability to get on with things.
We'd like to thank the 12 of you who voted for us, though. (3%! My God - Ross Perot got more than that. My head is currently hanging in shame).
2. An Admission Of Guilt
This game took place a very very long time ago. I can barely remember it to be truthful. This is not a bad thing. In fact, if anything, I remember way too much about it. It may well be the case that an awful lot of this review is made up. I feel this will improve things.
3. Where Do We Go From Here?
Let's be honest about this. Last year was an appalling, fantastic, dire but ultimately thrilling ride. None of us ever wanted to go through it all again, and we dreamed of days like this, when we could draw 1-1 with Birmingham in a game so dull it would cause God himself to cry, and it wouldn't matter one iota.
Well, here it is. Be careful what you wish for.
On a weekend when the Premiership clubs proved exactly how much they care about you and the sanctity of the English game by proposing to play games in Beijing, here was an example of everything that is wrong about top flight football in this country. Two teams almost totally devoid of flair, battling valiantly but serving up a game of football that could almost entice a man to turn to golf.
You know things are bad when you find yourself wondering when Bobby Zamora is going to be fit.
4. I've Got The Blues
If they send dross like this over to Miami then we might end up alienating the entire Continent quicker than you can say "Communism Rocks!".
Both myself and Beluga have been relentlessly highlighting the near catatonic state of our attacking play, and there was no visible improvement today. Faced with a determined, but very limited, Birmingham team we huffed and puffed, and ultimately blew ourselves out long before this torture was mercifully ended.
Trying to watch us at home this season has been a long and painful task. Our season has been littered with results like this, and even though we don't lose very often at home, we also don't win that much either, and we do it providing the sort of entertainment a man can usually only get at the orthodontist.
5. The Opposition
It is not exactly my place to be pointing fingers at teams like Birmingham and tutting. Sure, playing for a draw and doing it with all the excitement of the latest Amy Winehouse story is hardly a recipe for getting the rest of the world to love you, but desperate times and all that. Alex McLeish has done a splendid job since taking over and has his team playing to the best of their extremely limited abilities, evidenced by some excellent results at tottenham and Arsenal before this.
However, if Abraham Lincoln was to have commented on this game he would have described it thus: "People who like this kind of thing, will find this the kind of thing they like".
Now not a lot of people know that Big Abe was quite in to his footy as a kid until he took his GCSE's and his mum told him to concentrate on either the whole slavery thing or writing about the Beautiful Game. But basically, what he was saying was "If you like dull, turgid, lifeless games of football then you'll love this". (As the rest of the footballing world looks squarely at Middlesbrough fans).
6. The Referee
Referee Mark Clattenburg only really had two significant decisions in this game and didn't over impress anyone in making them. He firstly gave James McFadden a fairly soft penalty after a criminally poor piece of defending by Lucas Neill. Our demi God full back allowed McFadden to roll him before he stuck out his hands, probably in shame, and gave the Scot a tug on his shirt which apparently caused him to lose all use of his legs.
With the match dwindling to a merciful end, Clattenburg then somehow chose to extend the agony by sending off Lee Bowyer. I can understand the decision - it was a strange tackle and maybe looked worse than it was, although I was more surprised that Hayden Mullins went unpunished for his equally late challenge just moments before.
Of course, Clattenburg later rescinded the card, which at least shows that he has functioning eyeballs.
7. Swede Dreams
Curiously, this game started somewhat brightly. After just 7 minutes, Freddie Ljungberg showed the world that if the ball is bouncing around 4 yards from goal with the opposition defence off on a hiking trip in the Andes, then he has no peer in global football.
Quite aside from that, Ljungberg was excellent. His return to form has coincided with his muscles beginning to function like those of ordinary human being, and it is probably not too garish a suggestion that this is his best run of form for a couple of years. I have upgraded my valuation of him from "a large bag of spanners" to "actual legal tender".
Of course, he will never be the force he was at Arsenal. For a start his pace has declined to the point that could be best described as "Ashtonian", whilst the fall off in his goalscoring is the really telling aspect. All of the above being true, one cannot overlook the fact that he is now having his darting runs picked out by Hayden Mullins rather than Tomas Rosicky.
8. My Kingdom For A Horse
The most disappointed man in the ground on Saturday must have been Dean Ashton. With Fabio Capello in attendance, presumably to check out the great swathes of Englishmen on display, Ashton spent 90 minutes doing a very passable impression of a less talented man than Darren Bent.
It is all very well moaning about the lack of salary (that'll be just the £25,000 a week), or the lack of first team opportunities but if you are going to spend 90 minutes being outplayed by Liam Ridgewell then there are mirrors somewhere out there which can provide you with the opportunity for the required good, long look.
I would urge time and a bit of nurturing for Ashton. He seems to be the next in line for the Upton Park boo boys which strikes me as extraordinary when Luis Boa Morte is still on the payroll, but logic has never sat comfortably in the Bobby Moore Lower. Here is a guy returning from a career threatening injury into team devoid of attacking flair, playing a 4-5-1 system that may as well have been designed to stop him being effective, such is his inability to fit in.
It has been a long and painful road to get to this juncture. I cannot see things easing until next year....
Thursday, February 07, 2008
West Ham United vs Birmingham City: Match Preview - 09/02/2008
1. Always The Bridesmaid
Birmingham City have continually been forced to play second fiddle to their local rivals Aston Villa, the more celebrated of the Midlands teams - but this life in the shadows is not just confined to the football field.
Since the World Wars, Birmingham itself has come to be known as the UK's 'second city' ahead of more deserving claims from the likes of Manchester, Edinburgh, Liverpool, East Grinstead and Romford.
During the course of this week's meticulous research, I uncovered some staggering facts. Did you know that our guests this Saturday are twinned with such metropolitan luminaries as Milan, Chicago and Johannesburg?
More fittingly, the city also shares its name with a crater on the Moon - although deciding which of the two is a barren wasteland completely devoid of any atmosphere whatsoever, is a tough one.
2. History
With Birmingham newly promoted, there was no corresponding fixture last season. The last time the two teams met at Upton Park was in February 2006 and resulted in a 3-0 home victory for Alan Pardew's newly promoted side.
Birmingham went down that year but managed to bounce straight back up thanks largely to the absence of media glare, efficiently reflected by Steve Bruce's angular hooter.
Our Premiership record against The Blues is good having won three, drawn one and lost one of our five meetings. We only played them three times throughout the whole of the 1990's and have enjoyed the upper hand since.
Without a win since Boxing Day, Birmingham have struggled of late and took only one point from their last two 'six-pointers' against fellow relegation candidates Sunderland and Derby County. They need to start picking up points fast as they play nine top half teams in their remaining thirteen fixtures.
The fact that they are in the midst of a relegation tussle worries me. We are the type of team that could all too easily provide them with the winning catalyst they need (see Wigan last week). Their incentive to win is greater than ours and it doesn't take much for West Ham to rest on their laurels.
3. The Ravages Of Time
Allegations have been made recently about my naivety regarding West Ham's prospects this season. Regular readers will know that wild and unfounded accusations have no place on this blog (Jeremy Clarkson pays badgers for sex), but I shall tackle them anyway.
The last twenty years tell us that when we play teams we should convincingly beat, we invariably lose. Saturday's result did nothing to dispel this truth - but I imagine a little youthful exuberance can sometimes be refreshing for you, readers.
You see, I am significantly younger than HeadHammer Shark, so you'll forgive me if I try to inject a little cheer into our regularly hopeless plight as Hammers fans and dispel all this doom and gloom from an old-timer who regards the absence of elbow patches as "decadent folly".
I'm not going to bang on about this (anymore), suffice to say that HeadHammer Shark is an old man, out of touch with his people whilst simultaneously coercing votes out of them.
He is the Robert Mugabe of cyberspace.
4. Internazionale
Wednesday night saw Matthew Upson play a full 90 minutes at the heart of England's defence. It's been a long time since we saw a current West Ham player as an England centre-back and Upson can have done himself no harm for future selection after putting in a solid display.
A naturally left and right footed pairing in Upson and Ferdinand looked promising and, Ferdinand aside, I refuse to believe that there's another centre back in the country with a better claim than Upson. John Terry is regularly shown up when he faces world class players and he shouldn't be an automatic choice, let alone captain. Willingly putting your head in front of an opposition boot does not a great centre-back make.
England's performance was initially nervy but ultimately successful, with a few debutants underlining their claims for regular international selection - notably Blackburn's David Bentley.
Personally, I found it quite refreshing to see England knocking the ball around on the deck and taking their time, despite a brief spell of derision from some home fans exhibiting the memories of goldfish. The absence of a few big names, more recently picked on past glories as opposed to actual form, was also a welcome addition.
In the second half, England looked a competent international side for the first time in ages and the lack of panicky long balls was pleasing. Tweaks are still needed (Micah Richards and Wayne Bridge at full-back, Jermaine Jenas exiled), but we can feel confident that Capello is his own boss and will not pick players on reputation alone.
Fabio's methods will no doubt come in for some flack eventually, but where has Premiership-style football played at 100mph got us in the last 10 years?
5. Love Is In The Air
I got an email from those industrious folk at West Ham's commercial sector the other day, lauding the merchandise available in a special Valentines Day promotion.
Any male readers out there wrestling with ideas for their better halves may currently be in a pickle. But fear not, struggling to come up with the perfect gift to let your lady know just how much she means to you is no longer an issue.
Just imagine the beaming look on her face as the gift is unwrapped, eyes welling up when she discovers not a bootleg...
... but an official West Ham United Cereal Bowl.
6. Travelling Circus
It has been announced this week that all 20 Premier League teams have voted to explore the possibilityof playing some Premiership fixtures overseas as early as the 2010-'11 season.
The current proposition is that the season be extended by 10 games (one full weekend programme) with these matches being staged at five different venues around the world and with potential hosts bidding for them.
As it stands, the extra fixtures could be determined by a draw with the top five teams being seeded in order to avoid each other.
It all sounds like a bit of a ruthless money-spinning exercise to me. Can you imagine the frustration of narrowly claiming a UEFA Cup spot after 38 games, only to be drawn against Man United in the 39th and having to fork out for a trip to bloody Nairobi to inevitably see us lose out on European football?
Whether all this is sanctioned won't be known for another year, but I can't see how it will benefit the teams involved and only seems like a shallow attempt to strengthen the 'brand' of the Premiership as opposed to the actual competition. Whilst of course lining someone's pockets.
7. The Opposition
Joint top-scorer Olivier Kapo is suspended for this game, but his striking counterpart Cameron Jerome looks set to start after his run out for England U-21s in midweek. James McFadden should play having made the trip from Everton during the transfer window and City also welcome back Jaidi and Nafti from the African Cup of Nations.
Alex McLeish finds his team in trouble having made a stirring start to his career as Birmingham manager (we all cheered that last minute thunderbolt from Sebastian Larsson to win 3-2 at Spurs).
The Blues are now at their lowest League position since the last week of August and McLeish will be hoping that his numerous dips into the transfer market during the window will steady the ship.
8. Missing In Action
We'll be looking for our fourth home win on the spin come Saturday and remain unbeaten at Upton Park since mid-December. Just who will be called upon to get that win remains as open to speculation as at any other time this season.
A hastily-arranged friendly against QPR on Monday gave the chance for some of our injured masses to get a few minutes under their belt. Julien Faubert played the full 90 minutes, so one would hope he will feature prominently at the weekend.
Nobby Solano played for 45 minutes whereas Craig Bellamy and Bobby Z both got an hour, Bellamy managing to climb off his hoverboard and evade his arch-nemesis Spiderman long enough to grab a goal. Zamora also scored in a 2-1 win.
9. John Paintsil Update
Our main man has been busy this week. He played all the way to the African Cup Of Nations semi-final, caught a falling baby outside of a German apartment block and re-doubled his efforts against the resurgent Taliban.
Despite all this, he still found time to make considerable gains in the US Presidential Primaries.
Birmingham City have continually been forced to play second fiddle to their local rivals Aston Villa, the more celebrated of the Midlands teams - but this life in the shadows is not just confined to the football field.
Since the World Wars, Birmingham itself has come to be known as the UK's 'second city' ahead of more deserving claims from the likes of Manchester, Edinburgh, Liverpool, East Grinstead and Romford.
During the course of this week's meticulous research, I uncovered some staggering facts. Did you know that our guests this Saturday are twinned with such metropolitan luminaries as Milan, Chicago and Johannesburg?
More fittingly, the city also shares its name with a crater on the Moon - although deciding which of the two is a barren wasteland completely devoid of any atmosphere whatsoever, is a tough one.
2. History
With Birmingham newly promoted, there was no corresponding fixture last season. The last time the two teams met at Upton Park was in February 2006 and resulted in a 3-0 home victory for Alan Pardew's newly promoted side.
Birmingham went down that year but managed to bounce straight back up thanks largely to the absence of media glare, efficiently reflected by Steve Bruce's angular hooter.
Our Premiership record against The Blues is good having won three, drawn one and lost one of our five meetings. We only played them three times throughout the whole of the 1990's and have enjoyed the upper hand since.
Without a win since Boxing Day, Birmingham have struggled of late and took only one point from their last two 'six-pointers' against fellow relegation candidates Sunderland and Derby County. They need to start picking up points fast as they play nine top half teams in their remaining thirteen fixtures.
The fact that they are in the midst of a relegation tussle worries me. We are the type of team that could all too easily provide them with the winning catalyst they need (see Wigan last week). Their incentive to win is greater than ours and it doesn't take much for West Ham to rest on their laurels.
3. The Ravages Of Time
Allegations have been made recently about my naivety regarding West Ham's prospects this season. Regular readers will know that wild and unfounded accusations have no place on this blog (Jeremy Clarkson pays badgers for sex), but I shall tackle them anyway.
The last twenty years tell us that when we play teams we should convincingly beat, we invariably lose. Saturday's result did nothing to dispel this truth - but I imagine a little youthful exuberance can sometimes be refreshing for you, readers.
You see, I am significantly younger than HeadHammer Shark, so you'll forgive me if I try to inject a little cheer into our regularly hopeless plight as Hammers fans and dispel all this doom and gloom from an old-timer who regards the absence of elbow patches as "decadent folly".
I'm not going to bang on about this (anymore), suffice to say that HeadHammer Shark is an old man, out of touch with his people whilst simultaneously coercing votes out of them.
He is the Robert Mugabe of cyberspace.
4. Internazionale
Wednesday night saw Matthew Upson play a full 90 minutes at the heart of England's defence. It's been a long time since we saw a current West Ham player as an England centre-back and Upson can have done himself no harm for future selection after putting in a solid display.
A naturally left and right footed pairing in Upson and Ferdinand looked promising and, Ferdinand aside, I refuse to believe that there's another centre back in the country with a better claim than Upson. John Terry is regularly shown up when he faces world class players and he shouldn't be an automatic choice, let alone captain. Willingly putting your head in front of an opposition boot does not a great centre-back make.
England's performance was initially nervy but ultimately successful, with a few debutants underlining their claims for regular international selection - notably Blackburn's David Bentley.
Personally, I found it quite refreshing to see England knocking the ball around on the deck and taking their time, despite a brief spell of derision from some home fans exhibiting the memories of goldfish. The absence of a few big names, more recently picked on past glories as opposed to actual form, was also a welcome addition.
In the second half, England looked a competent international side for the first time in ages and the lack of panicky long balls was pleasing. Tweaks are still needed (Micah Richards and Wayne Bridge at full-back, Jermaine Jenas exiled), but we can feel confident that Capello is his own boss and will not pick players on reputation alone.
Fabio's methods will no doubt come in for some flack eventually, but where has Premiership-style football played at 100mph got us in the last 10 years?
5. Love Is In The Air
I got an email from those industrious folk at West Ham's commercial sector the other day, lauding the merchandise available in a special Valentines Day promotion.
Any male readers out there wrestling with ideas for their better halves may currently be in a pickle. But fear not, struggling to come up with the perfect gift to let your lady know just how much she means to you is no longer an issue.
Just imagine the beaming look on her face as the gift is unwrapped, eyes welling up when she discovers not a bootleg...
... but an official West Ham United Cereal Bowl.
6. Travelling Circus
It has been announced this week that all 20 Premier League teams have voted to explore the possibilityof playing some Premiership fixtures overseas as early as the 2010-'11 season.
The current proposition is that the season be extended by 10 games (one full weekend programme) with these matches being staged at five different venues around the world and with potential hosts bidding for them.
As it stands, the extra fixtures could be determined by a draw with the top five teams being seeded in order to avoid each other.
It all sounds like a bit of a ruthless money-spinning exercise to me. Can you imagine the frustration of narrowly claiming a UEFA Cup spot after 38 games, only to be drawn against Man United in the 39th and having to fork out for a trip to bloody Nairobi to inevitably see us lose out on European football?
Whether all this is sanctioned won't be known for another year, but I can't see how it will benefit the teams involved and only seems like a shallow attempt to strengthen the 'brand' of the Premiership as opposed to the actual competition. Whilst of course lining someone's pockets.
7. The Opposition
Joint top-scorer Olivier Kapo is suspended for this game, but his striking counterpart Cameron Jerome looks set to start after his run out for England U-21s in midweek. James McFadden should play having made the trip from Everton during the transfer window and City also welcome back Jaidi and Nafti from the African Cup of Nations.
Alex McLeish finds his team in trouble having made a stirring start to his career as Birmingham manager (we all cheered that last minute thunderbolt from Sebastian Larsson to win 3-2 at Spurs).
The Blues are now at their lowest League position since the last week of August and McLeish will be hoping that his numerous dips into the transfer market during the window will steady the ship.
8. Missing In Action
We'll be looking for our fourth home win on the spin come Saturday and remain unbeaten at Upton Park since mid-December. Just who will be called upon to get that win remains as open to speculation as at any other time this season.
A hastily-arranged friendly against QPR on Monday gave the chance for some of our injured masses to get a few minutes under their belt. Julien Faubert played the full 90 minutes, so one would hope he will feature prominently at the weekend.
Nobby Solano played for 45 minutes whereas Craig Bellamy and Bobby Z both got an hour, Bellamy managing to climb off his hoverboard and evade his arch-nemesis Spiderman long enough to grab a goal. Zamora also scored in a 2-1 win.
9. John Paintsil Update
Our main man has been busy this week. He played all the way to the African Cup Of Nations semi-final, caught a falling baby outside of a German apartment block and re-doubled his efforts against the resurgent Taliban.
Despite all this, he still found time to make considerable gains in the US Presidential Primaries.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Birmingham City 0 - 1 West Ham (And Other Reasons To Love Mark Noble)
Birmingham City 0 - 1 West Ham (Noble - 70 (Pen))
Attendance - 24,961
1. How To Make A Comfortable Victory Thoroughly Uncomfortable
Hey! Where are my fingernails?
2. Easy Redefinded
I don't quite know where to begin in analysing this victory. Now let's not forget - it was a victory and for that we should all be deliriously happy. I don't think I shall begin with that first half which was a truly marvellous advertisement for golf.
The second period saw us sweeping forward in waves and battering the home side. Mark Noble and Matthew Etherington in particular were outstanding as we continually penned the home side back until they finally buckled.
It should be noted that we required an almost heroic level of hopelessness in order to still be deadlocked by the time that Noble finally opened the scoring on 70 minutes. If I didn't know better I'd suggest that our front players were involved in some sort of competition to see who could manage the most ridiculous miss. Zamora and Bellamy both made sterling attempts but Kieron Dyer comfortably won with his last minute butchering of a gilt edged opportunity. More on that later as it really deserves further analysis.
On the plus side, we outplayed a Premiership team without Ljungberg, Neill, Ashton and Parker.
3. The Statistics
For this game at least the statistics do a pretty good job of reflecting the balance of power. ESPN's Gamecast (http://soccernet-akamai.espn.go.com/match?id=219074&cc=5739) shows us having a 53% slice of the possession and a 15 to 7 advantage in terms of shots at goal. Under no circumstances should this be considered as anything other than a battering. With the exception of a late first half effort that was smartly saved by Green, I can't recall the home side threatening us in any way other than via Gary O'Connor's elbows.
Of our 15 shots we mustered just 5 on target, which is the type of conversion ratio that gets missionaries fired. Bobby Zamora managed 3 attempts himself, of which none were on target at all, reinforcing my belief that the genius of Carlos Tevez wasn't just restricted to getting the best out of himself.
4. The Opposition
I'm wary of getting too medieval on Birmingham's ass, given that one swallow does not make a summer. That said, they were appalling. Devoid (devoid, I say) of creativity and reliant solely upon our worrying propensity for conceding needless fouls. Indeed we managed to make no less than 15 fouls during this game which would have been impressive but for the fact that City managed to give up 16.
That sure is some brainless tackling.
It is a pet peeve of mine that when we play teams such as Birmingham, whose sole ploy for attacking our goal is to win free kicks in areas where they can hit our box, that we continue to commit horrendously stupid fouls.
For God's sake - when Gary O'Connor has the ball miles from our goal - LEAVE HIM ALONE. Let him try and shoot - no, encourage him to try and shoot. He's Gary O'Connor! He aspires to uselesness! There is a word for defending like this and that word is Pfft.
4a. The Opposition Manager
I never normally do this but I seriously despise Steve Bruce. He pulled a typically beautiful piece of Brucist philosophy by conducting his entire post match interview with a lemon in his mouth. He began by claiming that he didn't blame Bellamy for the penalty and then spent the rest of the time making snide comments about the incident.
All of which ignores the rather pertinent fact that a foul comitted anywhere within the 22 yard box is a penalty irrespective of the location of the ball, the intent of the defender, slumping global markets or unpredictable weather patterns. In addition, Bruce also managed to forget the first half foul on Dyer that was denied, presumably because at some point Kieron had made inappropriate advances to the referees daughter.
Steve, may all your Christmases be shite.
5. The Referee
Mark Halsey was a busy fellow, allowing a shocking tackle from Mehdi Nafti to pass unpunished after barely a minute, booking Hayden Mullins for some shirt pulling two minutes later and then awarding a foul every other challenge for the rest of the game.
Missed the foul on Dyer in the first half and made up for it by giving us one later after Bellamy ran fully thirty yards to induce the most pointless challenge ever from City keeper Colin Doyle. Or at least it was until Jonathan Spector then tried to tackle Gary McSheffrey using only his backside.
6. He Wasn't That Dyer
Kieron Dyer had a mixed sort of debut. For the first 5 minutes he stood on our right wing looking cold before he came inside a bit and, well, looked a bit colder. He was unceremoniously hauled to the floor by Stephen Kelly after 16 minutes which should have led to a penalty but didn't. He then spent the rest of the half fitting right in by constantly giving the ball away.
His second half perfomance was much better and his pace and movement added a splendid new dimension to our attacking. According to the rather tremendous stats filter at the end of this report in The Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/main.jhtml?xml=/sport/2007/08/19/sfgbir119.xml), he didn't receive a pass from anyone other than Spector in the game. I must say, he was fairly isolated as we tended to go through our left hand side, but even this seems ridiculous to me.
He had a glorious late chance to seal the game but had obviously read the West Ham handbook (Rule 13a: Thou shalt never make a game safe by accruing anything more than a one goal lead) and made a complete hash of it. To papraphrase a previous H Listism, this doesn't make him a bad player, it just makes him a West Ham player.
If he stays fit he'll be fine. If he doesn't nobody is going to be very shocked.
7. Department Of The Obvious
Mark Noble was our man of the match. In the same way that Luke Skywalker was "quite key" in bringing down the Galactic Empire. Quite apart from his coolly taken penalty he was easliy our best player, hitting the post with a free kick and generally making his more senior colleagues look a bit work shy.
I want....hmm what's the word I'm looking for? Yes, that's it - more.
8. They Did What?
Two curious moments in the first half. We took not one, but two, consecutive good free kicks. Firstly Noble hit the post from nary 30 yards, and then he and Zamora pulled off a very well worked routine that nearly snuck Bellamy in at the near post.
Noble's effort wasn't actually "good" in the sense that it was struck straight at the wall but they rather nambily jumped out of the way and allowed it through to hit the woodwork. Still, it's a West Ham free kick so the standards are fairly low.
After this brief foray into competence we quickly returned to uselesness but hey, it was nice while it lasted.
9. Kudos
Some particular praise should be reserved for Matt Upson who endured a moderate booing and played pretty well in the meantime. No praise should be reserved for Jonathan Spector who did a passable impression of a kebab.
Craig Bellamy showed exactly why we were interested in him. He runs constantly, doesn't finish as well as he should and argues for every decision. What's not to like? (Apart from the finishing and the whinging).
10. Of Note
Succesful West Ham penalties (06/07) - 1
Succesful West Ham penalties (07/08) - 1
I'm just saying.
11. A Clarification
I had a question last week about the lack of slaughtering for Michael Dawson. In short, I've given that up. I'm sure that even Trojan Donkeys have feelings and in fairness, he's not even playing at the moment. Broken hoof, probably.....
Attendance - 24,961
1. How To Make A Comfortable Victory Thoroughly Uncomfortable
Hey! Where are my fingernails?
2. Easy Redefinded
I don't quite know where to begin in analysing this victory. Now let's not forget - it was a victory and for that we should all be deliriously happy. I don't think I shall begin with that first half which was a truly marvellous advertisement for golf.
The second period saw us sweeping forward in waves and battering the home side. Mark Noble and Matthew Etherington in particular were outstanding as we continually penned the home side back until they finally buckled.
It should be noted that we required an almost heroic level of hopelessness in order to still be deadlocked by the time that Noble finally opened the scoring on 70 minutes. If I didn't know better I'd suggest that our front players were involved in some sort of competition to see who could manage the most ridiculous miss. Zamora and Bellamy both made sterling attempts but Kieron Dyer comfortably won with his last minute butchering of a gilt edged opportunity. More on that later as it really deserves further analysis.
On the plus side, we outplayed a Premiership team without Ljungberg, Neill, Ashton and Parker.
3. The Statistics
For this game at least the statistics do a pretty good job of reflecting the balance of power. ESPN's Gamecast (http://soccernet-akamai.espn.go.com/match?id=219074&cc=5739) shows us having a 53% slice of the possession and a 15 to 7 advantage in terms of shots at goal. Under no circumstances should this be considered as anything other than a battering. With the exception of a late first half effort that was smartly saved by Green, I can't recall the home side threatening us in any way other than via Gary O'Connor's elbows.
Of our 15 shots we mustered just 5 on target, which is the type of conversion ratio that gets missionaries fired. Bobby Zamora managed 3 attempts himself, of which none were on target at all, reinforcing my belief that the genius of Carlos Tevez wasn't just restricted to getting the best out of himself.
4. The Opposition
I'm wary of getting too medieval on Birmingham's ass, given that one swallow does not make a summer. That said, they were appalling. Devoid (devoid, I say) of creativity and reliant solely upon our worrying propensity for conceding needless fouls. Indeed we managed to make no less than 15 fouls during this game which would have been impressive but for the fact that City managed to give up 16.
That sure is some brainless tackling.
It is a pet peeve of mine that when we play teams such as Birmingham, whose sole ploy for attacking our goal is to win free kicks in areas where they can hit our box, that we continue to commit horrendously stupid fouls.
For God's sake - when Gary O'Connor has the ball miles from our goal - LEAVE HIM ALONE. Let him try and shoot - no, encourage him to try and shoot. He's Gary O'Connor! He aspires to uselesness! There is a word for defending like this and that word is Pfft.
4a. The Opposition Manager
I never normally do this but I seriously despise Steve Bruce. He pulled a typically beautiful piece of Brucist philosophy by conducting his entire post match interview with a lemon in his mouth. He began by claiming that he didn't blame Bellamy for the penalty and then spent the rest of the time making snide comments about the incident.
All of which ignores the rather pertinent fact that a foul comitted anywhere within the 22 yard box is a penalty irrespective of the location of the ball, the intent of the defender, slumping global markets or unpredictable weather patterns. In addition, Bruce also managed to forget the first half foul on Dyer that was denied, presumably because at some point Kieron had made inappropriate advances to the referees daughter.
Steve, may all your Christmases be shite.
5. The Referee
Mark Halsey was a busy fellow, allowing a shocking tackle from Mehdi Nafti to pass unpunished after barely a minute, booking Hayden Mullins for some shirt pulling two minutes later and then awarding a foul every other challenge for the rest of the game.
Missed the foul on Dyer in the first half and made up for it by giving us one later after Bellamy ran fully thirty yards to induce the most pointless challenge ever from City keeper Colin Doyle. Or at least it was until Jonathan Spector then tried to tackle Gary McSheffrey using only his backside.
6. He Wasn't That Dyer
Kieron Dyer had a mixed sort of debut. For the first 5 minutes he stood on our right wing looking cold before he came inside a bit and, well, looked a bit colder. He was unceremoniously hauled to the floor by Stephen Kelly after 16 minutes which should have led to a penalty but didn't. He then spent the rest of the half fitting right in by constantly giving the ball away.
His second half perfomance was much better and his pace and movement added a splendid new dimension to our attacking. According to the rather tremendous stats filter at the end of this report in The Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/main.jhtml?xml=/sport/2007/08/19/sfgbir119.xml), he didn't receive a pass from anyone other than Spector in the game. I must say, he was fairly isolated as we tended to go through our left hand side, but even this seems ridiculous to me.
He had a glorious late chance to seal the game but had obviously read the West Ham handbook (Rule 13a: Thou shalt never make a game safe by accruing anything more than a one goal lead) and made a complete hash of it. To papraphrase a previous H Listism, this doesn't make him a bad player, it just makes him a West Ham player.
If he stays fit he'll be fine. If he doesn't nobody is going to be very shocked.
7. Department Of The Obvious
Mark Noble was our man of the match. In the same way that Luke Skywalker was "quite key" in bringing down the Galactic Empire. Quite apart from his coolly taken penalty he was easliy our best player, hitting the post with a free kick and generally making his more senior colleagues look a bit work shy.
I want....hmm what's the word I'm looking for? Yes, that's it - more.
8. They Did What?
Two curious moments in the first half. We took not one, but two, consecutive good free kicks. Firstly Noble hit the post from nary 30 yards, and then he and Zamora pulled off a very well worked routine that nearly snuck Bellamy in at the near post.
Noble's effort wasn't actually "good" in the sense that it was struck straight at the wall but they rather nambily jumped out of the way and allowed it through to hit the woodwork. Still, it's a West Ham free kick so the standards are fairly low.
After this brief foray into competence we quickly returned to uselesness but hey, it was nice while it lasted.
9. Kudos
Some particular praise should be reserved for Matt Upson who endured a moderate booing and played pretty well in the meantime. No praise should be reserved for Jonathan Spector who did a passable impression of a kebab.
Craig Bellamy showed exactly why we were interested in him. He runs constantly, doesn't finish as well as he should and argues for every decision. What's not to like? (Apart from the finishing and the whinging).
10. Of Note
Succesful West Ham penalties (06/07) - 1
Succesful West Ham penalties (07/08) - 1
I'm just saying.
11. A Clarification
I had a question last week about the lack of slaughtering for Michael Dawson. In short, I've given that up. I'm sure that even Trojan Donkeys have feelings and in fairness, he's not even playing at the moment. Broken hoof, probably.....
Friday, August 17, 2007
Birmingham City vs West Ham : 18th August 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)
1. Things Are Looking Dyer
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the sports section, Alan Curbishley spends £6m on Kieron Dyer. The price is still the same as the originally proposed deal that fell through when Newcastle chairman Mike Ashley upped the price at the last minute. Quite what universe Ashley is operating in escapes me. How is £6m not enough to buy an oft injured trouble maker like Dyer?
Anyway, the new arrival goes into the squad for the trip to Birmingham where he will compete for a place with Lee Bowyer. Hopefully not literally.
2. London Calling
Not content with uniting Bellamy, Bowyer, Dyer and Ferdinand as the Premiership version of The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, Curbishley has decided that this simply isn't enough disruption in one team and apparently now plans to add renowned good egg, Nicolas Anelka to the mix.
Whilst the talent of all of these players is undeniable, it is no secret why they have either moved from one club to another or, in Dyer's case, seen their careers stultify at an unsuccessful club.
The law of averages suggested that Anelka would end up here eventually given his propensity for one year stays, but it's a surprise that Curbishley would try and shoehorn so much potential dissension into the ranks.
Given that we were supposed to have had a summer clearout of the club's troublemakers is anyone else wondering exactly what Nigel Reo Coker and Marlon Harewood were doing last year? Short of selling drugs to Junior Hammers I can't quite imagine what it is that they were up to that could see them be viewed as worse than the players listed above.
Just to jog the memory, Bowyer and Dyer ended up in court for having a fist fight in the middle of St James's Park - during a Premiership game.
Perhaps all of this is indicative of the challenge facing Magnusson and Curbishley. Their statement of intent about being regulars in the Champions League is not quite so easily achieved as simply spending a boatload of cash (see United, Newcastle) and attracting the right players to do this.
At this juncture we appear to be trying to buy those players who are either not quite good enough for the top 4 teams (Parker, Upson) or those who have had issues in staying at one of those bigger clubs (Bellamy, Ljungberg). It's a passable scheme but one that does lay us open to having a team full of lunatics.
3. The Opposition
For the second consecutive year our first away game sees us at a newly promoted team. After an impressive opening day draw at Chelsea, City then managed only a 2-2 draw at home to Sunderland. With no wins thus far, they will be looking to open their account against us and St Andrews should prove a difficult trip.
Our recent history is decent enough as we managed a 2-1 win during Birmingham's relegation season. Zamora and Harewood helped us come from behind after we managed the not inconsiderable feat of allowing Emile Heskey to open the scoring. Later in the year we bashed them up real nice to the tune of a 3-0 victory at Upton Park.
Our previous visit was a sombre one, as a 2-2 draw sealed our own relegation. Paolo di Canio did score with a header though to highlight what a curious day it was.
Nowadays, Birmingham are relegation favourites themselves, although early indications are that they aren't as poor as previous newly promoted sides. In Mikael Forsell they have a proven Premiership player and new boy Olivier Kapo looks like a potentially good investment. I can't say that I care greatly about their prospects but I certainly buy into the idea that they contribute more to the league than say, Bolton or Wigan.
4. The History
We haven't lost our first away trip since Newcastle marmalised us 4-0 on the opening day of the 02/03 relegation season. Our horrendous away form of last year however, cannot continue if we expect to achieve any kind of stability this time around. Our travels last season yielded just 4 wins, of which 3 came in the last 9 games of the year, which I don't count as someone at the club had clearly sold their soul to the devil during that time.
It wouldn't be entirely unreasonable for us to stop conceding the first goal though, which has become a worrying trend under Curbishley. In only 7 of 22 games under him have we gone in front, and as such we tend to give ourselves large mountain shaped molehills to climb.
Come back Lucas, all is forgiven (not that you did anything wrong).
5. Striker Light
With Bobby Zamora performing against Man City like a chimpanzee on mind bending drugs, it's not inconceivable that Curbishley may choose to start with Dean Ashton tomorrow. I'm not sure that I would be in agreement with that plan, irrespective of Zamora's hallucinogenic attempts to stay onside.
Ashton hardly set the world alight last week (as opposed to Zamora who would have set his own face alight if someone gave him a candle), and looked rather short of fitness, even against Richard Dunne. Unless he accidentally disembowels Mark Noble whilst warming up I can't see that Zamora could be any worse than last week, and he will have fond memories of his last trip to St Andrews when he scored a wonder goal.
Ashton should temporarily remain as a late replacement battering ram substitute until he is able to outmanoeuvre cement bags, and one would hope that the addition of goalscoring midfielders Ljungberg and Dyer will allow us to cope in the meantime.
6. A Personal Insult
I almost forgot! I hate Steve Bruce! Not only is he a champion whinger but he also took far too much pleasure in our relegation.
Despite all of this I must confess that I have a sneaking admiration for a man whose nose points in two different directions at once.
7. The Return Of - "Oh My God Get Over It You Losers"
Sheffield United are suing us again. Their "No Win/No Fee" lawyers have determined that they have a splendid case despite the fact that, well, they really don't.
Quite what they thi - "OK, these are Head Hammer Shark's fingers here. His brain is asking us to keep typing some stuff about this monotonous load of claptrap but we're putting a stop to it. We know you'll all thank us. And 'Hey Doofus', stop clicking your cracking your knuckles, you'll give us arthritis'".
8. The Return Of The Oft Injured
Our ex Bluenose Matthew Upson returns to St Andrews. I have no idea of the kind of reception he'll receive, but if he was as good for them as he has been for us then it might involve Molotov Cocktails.
Mind you, instead of booing him they should probably be worshipping him as some sort of god given that they got £6m for him.....
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the sports section, Alan Curbishley spends £6m on Kieron Dyer. The price is still the same as the originally proposed deal that fell through when Newcastle chairman Mike Ashley upped the price at the last minute. Quite what universe Ashley is operating in escapes me. How is £6m not enough to buy an oft injured trouble maker like Dyer?
Anyway, the new arrival goes into the squad for the trip to Birmingham where he will compete for a place with Lee Bowyer. Hopefully not literally.
2. London Calling
Not content with uniting Bellamy, Bowyer, Dyer and Ferdinand as the Premiership version of The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, Curbishley has decided that this simply isn't enough disruption in one team and apparently now plans to add renowned good egg, Nicolas Anelka to the mix.
Whilst the talent of all of these players is undeniable, it is no secret why they have either moved from one club to another or, in Dyer's case, seen their careers stultify at an unsuccessful club.
The law of averages suggested that Anelka would end up here eventually given his propensity for one year stays, but it's a surprise that Curbishley would try and shoehorn so much potential dissension into the ranks.
Given that we were supposed to have had a summer clearout of the club's troublemakers is anyone else wondering exactly what Nigel Reo Coker and Marlon Harewood were doing last year? Short of selling drugs to Junior Hammers I can't quite imagine what it is that they were up to that could see them be viewed as worse than the players listed above.
Just to jog the memory, Bowyer and Dyer ended up in court for having a fist fight in the middle of St James's Park - during a Premiership game.
Perhaps all of this is indicative of the challenge facing Magnusson and Curbishley. Their statement of intent about being regulars in the Champions League is not quite so easily achieved as simply spending a boatload of cash (see United, Newcastle) and attracting the right players to do this.
At this juncture we appear to be trying to buy those players who are either not quite good enough for the top 4 teams (Parker, Upson) or those who have had issues in staying at one of those bigger clubs (Bellamy, Ljungberg). It's a passable scheme but one that does lay us open to having a team full of lunatics.
3. The Opposition
For the second consecutive year our first away game sees us at a newly promoted team. After an impressive opening day draw at Chelsea, City then managed only a 2-2 draw at home to Sunderland. With no wins thus far, they will be looking to open their account against us and St Andrews should prove a difficult trip.
Our recent history is decent enough as we managed a 2-1 win during Birmingham's relegation season. Zamora and Harewood helped us come from behind after we managed the not inconsiderable feat of allowing Emile Heskey to open the scoring. Later in the year we bashed them up real nice to the tune of a 3-0 victory at Upton Park.
Our previous visit was a sombre one, as a 2-2 draw sealed our own relegation. Paolo di Canio did score with a header though to highlight what a curious day it was.
Nowadays, Birmingham are relegation favourites themselves, although early indications are that they aren't as poor as previous newly promoted sides. In Mikael Forsell they have a proven Premiership player and new boy Olivier Kapo looks like a potentially good investment. I can't say that I care greatly about their prospects but I certainly buy into the idea that they contribute more to the league than say, Bolton or Wigan.
4. The History
We haven't lost our first away trip since Newcastle marmalised us 4-0 on the opening day of the 02/03 relegation season. Our horrendous away form of last year however, cannot continue if we expect to achieve any kind of stability this time around. Our travels last season yielded just 4 wins, of which 3 came in the last 9 games of the year, which I don't count as someone at the club had clearly sold their soul to the devil during that time.
It wouldn't be entirely unreasonable for us to stop conceding the first goal though, which has become a worrying trend under Curbishley. In only 7 of 22 games under him have we gone in front, and as such we tend to give ourselves large mountain shaped molehills to climb.
Come back Lucas, all is forgiven (not that you did anything wrong).
5. Striker Light
With Bobby Zamora performing against Man City like a chimpanzee on mind bending drugs, it's not inconceivable that Curbishley may choose to start with Dean Ashton tomorrow. I'm not sure that I would be in agreement with that plan, irrespective of Zamora's hallucinogenic attempts to stay onside.
Ashton hardly set the world alight last week (as opposed to Zamora who would have set his own face alight if someone gave him a candle), and looked rather short of fitness, even against Richard Dunne. Unless he accidentally disembowels Mark Noble whilst warming up I can't see that Zamora could be any worse than last week, and he will have fond memories of his last trip to St Andrews when he scored a wonder goal.
Ashton should temporarily remain as a late replacement battering ram substitute until he is able to outmanoeuvre cement bags, and one would hope that the addition of goalscoring midfielders Ljungberg and Dyer will allow us to cope in the meantime.
6. A Personal Insult
I almost forgot! I hate Steve Bruce! Not only is he a champion whinger but he also took far too much pleasure in our relegation.
Despite all of this I must confess that I have a sneaking admiration for a man whose nose points in two different directions at once.
7. The Return Of - "Oh My God Get Over It You Losers"
Sheffield United are suing us again. Their "No Win/No Fee" lawyers have determined that they have a splendid case despite the fact that, well, they really don't.
Quite what they thi - "OK, these are Head Hammer Shark's fingers here. His brain is asking us to keep typing some stuff about this monotonous load of claptrap but we're putting a stop to it. We know you'll all thank us. And 'Hey Doofus', stop clicking your cracking your knuckles, you'll give us arthritis'".
8. The Return Of The Oft Injured
Our ex Bluenose Matthew Upson returns to St Andrews. I have no idea of the kind of reception he'll receive, but if he was as good for them as he has been for us then it might involve Molotov Cocktails.
Mind you, instead of booing him they should probably be worshipping him as some sort of god given that they got £6m for him.....
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