In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (40 - 31)

 40. Derby (a) 5-0 : 2007/08 Premier League

(Bowyer (42, 59), Etherington (51), Lewis (OG 55), Solano (69))

Any assessment of this game needs to acknowledge that this Derby County side was - quite literally - the worst to have ever played in the Premier League. They won one game all season, mustered just eleven points and generally played with all the natural athleticism and skill of the prison guards in Mean Machine. 

That said, when we played them we had most of the first team out injured because it was November and that's the law, so the context was that Derby were pretty optimistic about beating us that day. As things turned out, they were suitably crap and Alan Curbishley's reserves were well organised enough to take the lead before halftime with a smart Lee Bowyer goal. Thereafter we went mental, scoring four times in twenty four minutes after the interval before everyone agreed that things were getting embarrassing now and we took pity on Derby and declared. 

The rare, contented Bowyer

Upon reflection this game might be most remarkable as the day we finally saw what we had in Bowyer, whose signing caused such controversy at the time and who never really captured the form that had made him such an electrifying player for Leeds in earlier years. On his day - and this was his day - he was an excellent midfielder. 

As far as away days go, I'm not sure they come much more fun than this. 

39. Manchester United (h) 4-0 : 2010/11 League Cup

(Spector (22, 37), C Cole (56, 66))

Now this was a weird game of football. By early evening most of East London was under snow so my dad and I agreed that given West Ham's state of the art pitch defrosting system consisted mainly of pouring hot water on the lines, we could safely assume the game was off. I went to the pub and was fairly surprised when I found out the game was going ahead, and then absolutely fucking startled when Jonathan Spector scored twice inside 37 minutes to put us two goals up. Carlton Cole added a pair of his own in the second half and in general we absolutely battered the visitors. 

There is no doubt that the Manchester United side was missing most of their stars but it's also true that we fielded such legends as Pablo Barrera, Tal Ben Haim and Radoslav Kovac. Looking back it's not all that hard to understand how we were eventually relegated in last place. 

Still, under the astute tactical guidance of legendary manager Avram Grant, we actually advanced all the way to the semi finals of this competition and were somehow 3-1 up on aggregate with just 31 minutes to go in the second leg, before collapsing and getting knocked out by Birmingham City. 

In the darkness of an exceptionally bad season, this result was a tremendous bright spot. 

38. Charlton (a) 4-4 : 2000/01 Premier League

(Kitson (3, 30, 64), Defoe (84) - Euell (21, 28), Johansson (51, 90))

It's possible that there has been a worse defensive performance than this in the Premier League but click on the link above and check this one out so you have a baseline, at least. Quite how our back four didn't involve a juggler on a unicycle, a seal balancing a ball on his nose and a real life actual clown remains a bit of a mystery. 

For all that, terrible defending can often lead to fun games and this was no exception. We scored early through Paul Kitson and then stood spraying water out of plastic flowers as Jason Euell scored twice in quick succession. Kitson equalised with the best goal of the night and had to do so again just after the hour once we'd allowed Jonathon Johansson to run unmolested through what we were at that point laughingly calling our back line. 

Glenn Roeder then brought on Jermain Defoe to a chorus of boos as a result of him having left Charlton for us as a kid and he looked to have snatched victory with a fine late volley. Sadly, we couldn't hold on as Johansson scored a last minute overhead kick, despite the best efforts of our defenders on unicycles, to cap one of the most entertaining games in Premier League history. 

37. Southampton (h) 3-3 : 1993/94 Premier League

(Williamson (11), Allen (62), Monkou (OG 90) - Le Tissier (45, 65 p), Maddison (52))

One of the great unspoken joys of being a football fan is that from time to time you are able to experience opposition players at the height of their powers. The real pleasure is in being able to beat them, of course, but from time to time it's enough to simply luxuriate in their presence on your patch of grass. 

Not the sturdiest looking wall I've ever seen

Matthew Le Tissier was one such player. It helped that he played for Southampton and not one of the bigger teams, where he would have inevitably become hated. Instead he stayed on the south coast and spent his career performing miracles to keep a generally limited team in the league. On this afternoon, yet another final day extravaganza, Saints needed points to stay in the division as one of four teams facing the drop, while Upton Park was packed as fans took the chance to say farewell to the old North Bank. In many ways this was the end of a very specific era - this was a farewell to terracing and the English game and welcome to Sky, globalisation and the gradual removal of football from the place it previously existed in our society. 

So we scored early through home debutant Danny Williamson, before Le Tissier began bending the game to his will. He equalised with a sumptuous free kick, and then set up Neil Maddison to head the visitors into a vital lead. As the heavens opened Martin Allen levelled things up before Le Tissier scored his second from the spot. With just seconds remaining and chaos in the ground as fans were again spilling on to the pitch, Ken Monkou headed an own goal to briefly threaten Saints attempt at staying up. 

As it was, their point was enough, and we all got to witness a bravura performance from a giant of the era. It's a rare day when opposition fans truly enjoy an enemy player but I loved watching Le Tissier and I greatly respected the loyalty that tied him to his first club when he could really have gone anywhere. Perhaps that is why he was so widely admired - because at heart he did what all fans would love to have done. He played for his hometown team, become their best ever player, turned down millions elsewhere and retired a legend. For Matt Le Tissier, read every kid in the country. What a player. 

36. Spurs (h) 2-1 : 2005/06 Premier League

(Fletcher (10), Benayoun (80) - Defoe (35))

More final day drama and this time it is one of the few Premier League games that can be summed up with a single word. And with this being West Ham, that word naturally is...lasagne. 

With Spurs a point ahead of Arsenal heading into the final game of the season, and with us a week away from our first cup final for twenty five years, there was a lot of trepidation heading into this game. As much as it would have been delicious to deny Spurs their first Champions League campaign, most fans were adamant that the first team needed to be rested to avoid inevitable injury. 

In the end, Alan Pardew mixed and matched playing his first choice defence but resting most of his attacking options. The real drama, however, was taking place off the pitch as the Spurs squad was struck down with a dose of food poisoning and spent most of the morning of the match throwing up. Despite their best efforts to get the fixture postponed, the Premier League were having none of it and the game went ahead at the same time as Arsenal were facing Wigan in the last ever match at Highbury. 

Chefs Kiss

We started the brighter, unsurprisingly as most of the Spurs players were on their knees, and Carl Fletcher smashed home the opener after just ten minutes. In truth, Spurs put on a pretty brave display in the circumstances and former Hammer Defoe burgled an equaliser before half time. The second half started with Teddy Sheringham missing a penalty against his former side (notice the difference there?) and continued manically amid the news that Arsenal were somehow contriving to lose to Wigan. 

The universe righted itself, however, and the Gunners were soon in front and then Yossi Benayoun crafted an outstanding winner with just ten minutes to play. He latched on to a back heel from Marlon Harewood - which was hard - drifted past Michael Dawson - which was not - and then lifted the ball into the roof of the net. Cue pandemonium and the possibly apocryphal tale of Arsenal fans singing "Bubbles" at Highbury. 

35. Blackpool (N) 2-1 : 2011/12 Play Off Final

(C Cole (35), Vaz Te (87) - Ince (48))

I debated for a long time about including this game. In some ways it is more a monument to the club's failures than a moment of glory, but I suppose that at times it is worth acknowledging that winning big games at Wembley isn't something that happens every day. 

We found ourselves in the Play Offs courtesy of too many draws over a long campaign, but it's worth acknowledging that Sam Allardyce did a terrific job in taking the wreckage of the Avram Grant era and moulding it into something half decent. Facing us were Blackpool, who had played pretty well all season under Ian Holloway but actually finished eleven points behind us in the league, while we won the two league fixtures against them by an aggregate score of 8-1. It felt like a game we couldn't really lose, whilst also feeling exactly like a game we would lose. 

In truth the match was pretty scrappy, but Carlton Cole scored an excellently crafted goal before half time to give us the lead. 

Tom Ince, son of noted Hammers enthusiast Paul, then scored an oddly similar looking equaliser, and when Kevin Nolan thumped a fabulous volley against the bar in the closing stages it felt like extra time was inevitable. As it was, Nolan and Cole combined to set up Ricardo Vaz Te to slam home an 87th minute winner and spark wild scenes in the West Ham end. The play offs are tremendous - now let us never play in another again. 

34. Bolton (a) 3-0 : 1994/95 Premier League

(Bishop (46), Cottee (68), Williamson (89))

An esoteric choice perhaps, but a personal favourite. Back in the Nineties it felt to me as though we won away games with the same frequency that bands I liked appeared on Top of the Pops. In the three year period from 1993 - 1996, for example, we played 59 away games and won 11. So those victories became important due to their scarcity and this is one that lives in the memory of the frozen teenage me who watched this from the open terraces next to the supermarket that occupied the corner of Burnden Park. 

Bolton, in truth, were not very good and ended up being relegated after finishing bottom. However, at the point we played them in November we were in our usual bottom half strife and coming off a thumping 4-1 home defeat to Villa. 

However, we exploded into life here as three excellent goals from Ian Bishop, Tony Cottee and Danny Williamson sealed a comprehensive win. The latter, in particular, was an outstanding solo effort whereby Williamson picked up the ball in his own box and ran the length of the pitch before smashing it home with his left foot. Nary a tackle to be seen, of course, but like I said - Bolton were pretty crap. A rare Northern foray where we returned with the points, and to punish us we have not won at Bolton since. 

33. Manchester City (a) 1-0 : 2002/03 Premier League

(Kanoute (81))

Hmm. Should any game from this dismal season really be making this list? And if it's going to be any then shouldn't it be the nails-to-the-quick home victory over Chelsea a week later? Perhaps, indeed probably yes, but I've gone for this simply due to the madness around the game. A week earlier we had snatched a 1-0 victory over Middlesbrough, only for manager Glenn Roeder to then be admitted to hospital with a serious blockage to the brain. In addition, I can't quite divorce my recollection of that Chelsea game from the news later that night that Bolton had got a point at Southampton and we were probably going down. 

Into that breach stepped Trevor Brooking as caretaker manager, while alleged club legend Paolo di Canio pondered whether to return from a self imposed strike in Italy to play for the club. First up was a trip to mid table Manchester City, who were a long way from being the Manchester City we know and hate today, but were still much better then us. 

In a tense, end to end affair we eventually snatched a late winner when Don Hutchison hit the post from about four inches out only for the ball to fortuitously rebound to Freddie Kanoute who tapped in the winner from two inches. In the end, it wasn't enough as we famously went down with 42 points and half the England team. But still, for a few minutes in Manchester it seemed we might escape. 

32. Blackburn Rovers (h) 2-1 : 2007/08 Premier League

(Ashton (39), Sears (81) - Santa Cruz (19))

Much of the Alan Curbishley era was characterised by a kind of stolid nothingness that seemed designed to tempt fans into wishing for something more. And so it was, and I'm not sure we ever really appreciated quite how hard it is to stay in the Premier League without an Eastenders style drama every single season. 

By the time this game rolled around in March 2008, we were firmly stuck in 10th place and never destined to move from it. With Craig Bellamy having moved on, much of the buzz among the fanbase was around the prospective arrival of some young players from the Academy at last. Jack Collison, James Tomkins and Freddie Sears would all debut that season, with the latter causing the greatest excitement with his remarkable goalscoring feats in the youth set up. 

A moment - an undeniable moment

At the point we played Rovers we were coming off three consecutive 4-0 defeats to Chelsea, Liverpool and Spurs, and Curbishley was given what I believe I am contractually obliged to refer to as "the dreaded vote of confidence" by the Board. It seems odd to say now but the clamour for the inclusion of Sears was rapidly becoming a crescendo. Fans were demanding that the 18 year old be given his chance. 

However, when Roque Santa Cruz smartly gave the visitors an early lead it looked like Curbishley was on the ropes again before Dean Ashton equalised with a typically excellent goal just before half time. 

The second half was pretty even before Sears entered the fray with a quarter of an hour to go. Within just 6 minutes he ran on to an Ashton backheel and although his shot was saved, the rebound popped up perfectly for him to head in a debut winner. Generally this would be considered an unremarkable, unnoticed game in a typically grey season but on that day, in that moment when the crowd seemed to suck the ball into the net it seemed like substantially more. 

Sears would end up forging a solid career with Ipswich Town, while it was actually Collison and Tomkins who would go on to be excellent Premier League performers, but his debut was an electric lightning bolt across the sky. Anyone who was there will never forget it. 

31. Middlesbrough (N) 1-0 : 2005/06 FA Cup 

(Harewood (78))

I'm not sure exactly what this game is best remembered for. 

Perhaps it was the emotional pre match tribute to the recently deceased John Lyall, when a minutes silence became a stadium wide chant of "Johnny Lyall's claret and blue army". Or maybe it was the moment when goalscorer Marlon Harewood was asked in his post match interview whether he felt West Ham had really only turned up at half time, and he replied by saying "No, we've been here all day". 

Instead, it's probably true that a largely forgettable game is best remembered for the moment that Dean Ashton headed on a long ball and Harewood controlled it, held off Gareth Southgate and smashed home a glorious winner. Fittingly this game took place at Villa Park, which was famously the site of our last FA Cup semi final twenty five years previously. On that day a Tony Gale red card had ended a glorious cup run, but instead here we prevailed and advanced to a memorable, yet traumatic final with Liverpool. 

The hangover from this cup run continues to this day. It doesn't help that everybody rotates their team for cup games these days and with bigger teams now having such large, strong squads that the gap between us and them is now a canyon. But fans still fixate on this season, and argue that the couple of league places that we sacrificed to have this cup run were completely worth it. And maybe they are right, because there haven't been many better feelings in the last thirty years than watching Marlon Harewood smash that fucker in and send us to a cup final. 

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (50 - 41)

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (30 - 21)

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (20 - 11)

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (10 - 1)

West Ham 1 - 3 Bolton Wanderers (And Other Ramblings)

1. Sympathy For The Author

Apropos of absolutely nothing. Here is a discussion I had with Mrs Shark last night as I spent 3 hours moving bricks from one part of our garden to another during a Biblical rainstorm. I was doing this because we have workmen coming today to lay some decking:

Me: "God, I'm tired"
Mrs Shark: "Why"
Me: "Well, I just moved about 200 hundred heavy bricks. In the rain"
Mrs Shark: "You shouldn't have left it until the night before then should you?"

Because, obviously, bricks get heavier the longer you leave them in the garden.

Why, I hear you wondering, for the love of God, are you telling us this?

Well, dear reader, because it is either this or write about another home defeat to Bolton. I'm only thinking of your sanity.

2. Is It A Bird

"AKA - Kevin Davies. Alright, go on then YOU explain it"

3. The Opposition

I hate Bolton. "Hate" is a strong word but seriously, I hate them. The footballing equivalent of the Flat Earth Society arrived at Upton Park with confidence flowing, largely at the sight of our trembling back 4, and proceeded to beat us in exactly the same way as they have for the previous 5 years.

I would argue that Owen Coyle's greatest achievement is nothing he has done on the pitch but rather the way he appears to have convinced the nations media that he has substantially altered Bolton's style. The three goals in this game were so obviously Boltonian that they may aswell just copyright them and prevent Blackburn attempting to imitate them when they visit us.

Coyle's drug addled claim that Bolton played some good stuff in this game makes no sense to me at all. The first goal was a traditional hoof, which culminated in Kevin Davies planting a "Bolton kiss" on Matthew Upson and spreading his nose all over his face as he haplessly headed past Green. The second and third goals were scored by Johan Elmander, which in itself suggests a Faustian interference. His first was a thumping unmarked header from a cross and the second was from another long ball and some typically hallucinogenic defending and that lead to a straightforward tap in.

I am not saying that Bolton didn't deserve to win this game. Of course they did, in fact, they always do. But Owen - don't piss on our legs and tell us it's raining. Your team is as uniformly awful as ever and the fact that you once had Jack Wilshere on loan doesn't make you the second coming of Honved.

I mean, seriously, Paul Robinson. No further evidence M'lud.

4. The Opposition Donkey

Johan Elmander has scored 12 (twelve!) goals for Bolton in the 3 years he has been there. Of that enormous total, 3 have come against us, making us one quarter of his victims. As Russell Brand might say : "My eyes! My eyes! Take my eyes but don't let Elmander score against us!".

How difficult is it to concede a goal to Johan Elmander? Incredibly. The only feasible explanation is as follows:

25 mins - your full backs are savaged by a pride of lions
45 mins - your centre halves finally give in to temptation and elope to Gretna Green
60 minutes - your defensive midfielder turns out to be little more than a theory devised by a crazy Russian physicist.

Even then I would be wondering how it would be possible given that the goalkeeper is still there.

Worse still is the fact that Elmander actually should have scored a hat trick but squandered a very early chance, hindered by the dual problem that it was early in the game and that he is Johan Fucking Elmander.

5. The Statistics

Per ESPN the possession was split evenly at 50% although we mustered a heftier 22 goal attempts to the visitors 13. Sadly, of Bolton's 5 goal bound attempts they scored from 3, rendering all other statistical analysis moot.

Perhaps more pertinently, Mark Noble opened our scoring for the season for the third year in a row, which does rather suggest that our strikers haven't been tremendously prolific.

6. Cole Patrol

Poor old Carlton was meekly booed from the pitch after a truly Elmanderian performance that included a horribly scuffed penalty that Jaaskelainen saved by moving all of about 3 muscles.

Quite why he took the penalty is really beyond me given that Noble was on the pitch. More than any other Hammer, Cole is a confidence player, and more than any other keeper Jaaskelainen plays brilliantly against us. Cole hasn't looked overly impressive so far this season and his penalty subsequently resembled nothing so much as Fredi Kanoute's hopeless effort against Arsenal in our relegation season.

I have only ever seen Cole take one penalty, against Burnley last year, which he side footed straight down the middle in a thoroughly unimpressive matter. Mark Noble, by contrast, is confident enough to have taken plenty of spot kicks for both West Ham and England and been largely successful. Most importantly, he is strong enough to survive missing them which Cole clearly isn't, having seen his woeful performance after the miss.

I simply do not believe we should be endorsing a penalty taking policy of "He who earns it, spurns it".

7. Not So Dyer After All

Not too much on this point, as I have had my fingers burned by Kieron Dyer before, but it was somewhat exciting to see Dyer buzzing about on the left hand side. His direct predecessor was Luis Boa Morte, who had looked as effective as ever, so Dyer's direct running and clever passing was a welcome relief. He very nearly opened the scoring but was denied by a marvellous Jaaskelainen save, and faded soon after.

On the opposite side, Pablo Barrera was equally lively, even as his legs were being scythed away by Paul Robinson. In home games against lesser opposition these two are a decent option but I would be fairly concerned if we were relying on them away from Upton Park, what with our defence currently attempting to redefine the word "porous".

8. The Myth Of Our Difficult Early Start

All I hear about these days is how unkind the fixture list has been to us this year. Bear in mind that at this juncture we have played only Aston Villa (a) and Bolton (h). In last years Premier League season only three teams (Birmingham, Stoke, Portsmouth) didn't gain at least a point from those same fixtures.

Now our next two games are Man Utd (a) and Chelsea (h) which are, of course, incredibly tough and rather obvious looking defeats, but I think it is rather putting the horse before the cart to suggest that our first two games were all that tricky.

Of course, having lost those games with some largely insipid play to blame, we now look forward to run of games that takes in the aforementioned defeats and then Stoke (a) followed by spurs (h). Perhaps the worst part about this is that by the time we play Fulham it is entirely possible we will already be well adrift at the bottom of the league without a point (as opposed to being pointless, like Fulham).

And on that cheery note...

9. Department Of It Could Be Worse

"Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your new West Ham manager...Phil Brown!"

10. Ciao Alessandro

Unusually we had to wait for quite a while before our first sale of the summer as mercurial sort Alessandro Diamanti was sold to Brescia for £1.8m. A lot of people, my illustrious writing partner included, have been most put out by this, claiming it represents a loss of £4.8m on the original £6m outlay.

It strikes me that anyone who thinks we actually paid that much for Diamanti is largely insane. Seriously, you think we sold Collins for £5m and then paid £6m for Diamanti. As in, a net loss on a player? How long have you people been following West Ham! When have we ever done this? Don't you remember the whole "Oh look we sold Craig Bellamy for £15m but we're spending £9m on Savio. Well, when I say £9m I really mean £3m plus a further £6m if he turns out to be half dolphin."

West Ham were owned by asset stripping creditors when Diamanti was brought in. I have no doubt that the actual figure was significantly lower than £6m, but that the Club was perfectly happy for you to think it was that high because it made you think they were still investing in the team rather than paying off debt.

As for his value to the team, pfft. I don't particularly feel that fussed at losing a one paced, one footed player with no real position and questionable fitness. There was a certain renegade aspect to Diamanti's play that I quite enjoyed, but his departure will have next to no bearing on the outcome of our season.

Worrying about Diamanti's departure would be like the captain of the Titanic turning to his First Mate and saying "Tell you what Bill, I'm just not sure whether the paint on this boat is water resistant enough..."

And besides..... Kieron Dyer abides.

West Ham United vs Bolton Wanderers: Match Preview - 20/08/2010

1. Here’s One I Made Earlier

Hello everyone. Hope you all avoided the World Cup and enjoyed a few brief months of respite before last week's ruthless wake-up call.

I was all set to begin this new season with the breathless, wide-eyed gusto of a Blue Peter presenter.

Outwardly full of enthusiasm at the prospect of making a kitchen utensil holder from an old shoe-box, or perhaps riding at some speed through big puddles in a tank driven by the Territorial Army, I would inwardly conceal my drug habit and self-harming.

But then West Ham contrived to shame themselves on day one, folding as they did so many times last season, as incisive as Fox News with a defence as frail as an ageing Rocky Balboa.

2. The Opposition

In seasons past, I have lamented how Bolton Wanderers are consistently able to beat us despite our theoretical superiority. Well no more.

There are only so many times one can cling to the illusion of competence in the face of consistent evidence to the contrary. Just ask Dean Gaffney.

There are rumours that Bolton boss, Owen Coyle, will employ a more pleasing brand of football this season in an effort to appease the long-suffering home support and to boost attendances to more than 7.

There was little evidence to suggest this in their stalemate with Fulham last week, but should they mix it up on Saturday and we manage to nick a win, there will be those who would justifiably argue against Wanderers adopting a different style when they so obviously have the measure of their opponents.

Kevin Davies will once again press his claim for the Ballon d’Or by scoring at will against us, while still making time to augment the rate of demolition over in Stratford with his pendulous elbows.

3. Cheap Visual Gag #1

4. History

... something written by the victors, hence the Lancastrian-leaning dominance of recent entries. Although, unlike the old adage suggests, this account is also entirely accurate.

5. Olympic Effort

The Club are putting the finishing touches to a proposal to frequent the Olympic Stadium post-2012, along with some 150 other applicants.

Despite an initial openness to this suggestion, I have become increasingly sceptical the more I hear the nuts and bolts of it.

Under West Ham’s plan, the athletic stadium capacity will be reduced from 80,000 to some 58,000. This invites the prospect of empty seats come matchday seeing as we rarely sell out Upton Park’s 36,000 consistently.

David Gold recently took time out from pawing at the Hammerettes in his criminally short silk kimono to confirm that we have the option of expanding The Boleyn to around 42,000. While I feel the ideal capacity would be more towards the 50-mark, I’d rather a packed 42,000 than 10,000 empty seats.

Vampiric smut baron, David Sullivan, is adamant we will fill the proposed new stadium and has boasted of its ability to enable the cheapest matchday tickets in the Premiership.

Unlike Arsenal or Man United, we do not have the appeal to attract the ‘tourist trade’ element necessary to regularly fill 60,000, and so ticket prices would certainly have to come down if the Club are to entice sufficient supporters in from rural Essex and the coast. But with the chief aim of increased capacity being increased revenue, would slashed ticket prices negate the perceived benefit of moving altogether?

These considerations aside, my main concern is David Gold’s recent U-turn on accommodating a running track around the pitch. This is anathema to me and I suspect to the majority of West Ham fans.

The Two Davids initially cited the inclusion of said track as a deal-breaker, an assertion I was relieved to hear. But now it seems that, having visited the site, Gold has been converted thanks to the “sightlines” afforded by the stadium design.

"Sightlines." Hmmm.

If you stand on Waterloo Bridge and look east, on a clear day you can see Canary Wharf far in the distance. A truly remarkable sightline, but I wouldn’t fancy my chances of being able to make out Julien Faubert in Canada Square missing the entire Citigroup tower from 4-yards. I might get hit by his effort, but pay £45 for the privilege? I don’t think so.

When the Doc Martens Stand was first opened, moving the pitch to accommodate the replacement of the West Stand resulted in a chasm opening up between the Chicken Run and the touchline. Small potatos compared to what a running track would impose, but it had the effect of irrevocably diluting what had once been the most pleasingly claustrophobic and intimidating section of the stadium.

I am far from convinced this will be a beneficial move for us. The ‘once in a lifetime opportunity' for East End rejuvenation will go ahead with or without our tenancy, and our obvious need for the 12^th-man effect of the crowd may well be sacrificed for the rose-tinted legacies of a couple of old pervs.

6. Cheap Visual Gag #2

Avram Grant is asked whether he thinks we could nick a point on Saturday

7. Form And Function

It’s anyone’s guess what eleven will line-up on Saturday afternoon, although you would hope some fairly radical changes will have been made.

It seems as if Grant fancies Cole upfront as a lone striker, so long as he is adequately supported from midfield – something which so obviously didn’t happen at Villa Park.

With an abundance of midfielders more adept in our own half than the opposition’s, the introduction of a Kieron Dyer, Pablo Barrera or Alessandro Diamanti is sorely needed.

In squad terms, I would be loathe to see Frank Nouble go out on loan again this season as we are not overly blessed in attack, with an over-reliance on Cole again in prospect. Nouble is worth regular stints on the bench and a chance to prove himself after a few impressively combative cameos last season.

Since taking up Dean Ashton’s challenge to dedicate himself to the ‘nothing but butter-coated margarine’ diet, Benni McCarthy has condemned himself to 10-minute spells of wheezing on the sidelines as he tries to get out of his tracksuit. And Type 2 Diabetes.

8. "..."

I’m so dispassionate about the outcome of what is only our second game of the season that I’m seriously considering not staying up ‘til 2am to watch us lose 2-1.

Perhaps expectations were too high last week, and an assumption that we wouldn’t immediately revert to last season’s wretched type, misguided.

Let’s all hope we’re not so jaded that we can’t retain even a flicker of anticipation come the final whistle on at least a few occasions this season.

To paraphrase a debonair, inter-galactic maverick who played by his own rules: Come on Avram, old buddy – don’t let me down.

Bolton Wanderers vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 15/12/2009

1. As I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death...

This is going to be horrific. A Tuesday night visit to Bolton in the cold and rain, to see two purveyors of dross thrashing it out in what is clearly already a relegation encounter.

It’s likely to be as pretty as Andrew Lloyd Webber and you’re liable to need a shot of adrenaline directly into the heart to keep you awake, but for all its foul stench, the importance of this game is beyond dispute.

2. Opposition

Bolton Wanderers are the Antichrist. They are rivalled only by Rasputin, Machiavelli and ex-player El-Hadj Diouf as to how low they will stoop to gain an advantage.

Be that as it may, they will be on something of a high having held moneybags Man City to a 3-3 draw at the weekend. Thrice leading, it was only Pope Tevez who restored the aesthetic equilibrium by twice drawing Man City level.

This was an important result, coming as it did on the back of defeats to relegation rivals Wolves and Blackburn, as well as losses to Villa and Chelsea, punctuated only by a draw against Fulham.

Bolton’s sometimes effective, yet never attractive style is embodied by the giant elbow that is Kevin ‘The Giant Elbow’ Davies. For all his elbows, or more accurately because of them, Davies often causes problems for the more delicate defenders, and equally often scores against us.

His lumbering approach belies his scoring record and he must always look forward to playing West Ham as he invariably cites this fixture whenever his contract is up for renewal.

Goalkeeper Jussi Jaaskelainen and midfielder Matthew Taylor are the only other players of note. The fact that nonentity Gavin McCann misses this game through injury is neither of significance nor of interest to anyone outside Gavin McCann, Mrs McCann and their drab, inoffensive, negligible brood of nothingness.

3. Hubble Bubble Toil And Trouble

Bolton’s deficiencies are often negated by their willingness to chase, harry and elbow, and that is bound to be their strategy tonight.

Classy opposition are often able to bide their time, patiently retain possession and probe away until an opportunity presents itself. We are not classy opposition and will therefore need to match Bolton for both physicality and work-rate.

Rob Green has called for ‘grit’ in a bid to turn things around, and part of me would rather see a 2-1 win and a couple of Bolton players in hospital than a graceful 3-0 waltz to victory.

This is one of few chances to accrue any points before the New Year, with Chelsea and tottenham in prospect (Portsmouth the meat in that unsavoury sandwich), so by any means must we claim an unmemorable triumph.

4. History

Not since that bloke left Indiana Jones hanging by a vine in the opening sequence of ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’, has the pallor of shame hung so visibly across a noble endeavour.

Our record against Bolton is so revolting, so filthy, so immoral that I am forced to type this section on the other side of a Perspex screen, to protect the laptop from the torrent of puke bursting from my mouth.

Make sure you’re near a sink:

We have beaten Bolton just three times in our last fifteen attempts.

Worse still, away from home we have taken a solitary point from a possible thirty.

That’s one draw and nine losses in ten visits.

Disgusting.

Our last encounter at the Reebok Stadium was in the Carling Cup earlier this season, where Herita Ilunga’s opener was but a precursor to an extra-time 3-1 defeat. I’m not sure what’s more shameful, the final score or the fact that the home support mustered an attendance of just 8,050.

Yes, the prospect of playing West Ham may not be the biggest crowd-puller, but I’ve seen more people queuing for the checkouts in Lidl.

And yes, there may be little nobility in stealing a precious memento from the home of an indigenous, unsophisticated people in order to satisfy the whims of a more enlightened race, but that is just one of the many parallels between Indiana Jones and tonight’s game.

5. I Want A Good, Clean Fight

Over the last eighteen months transfer windows have been something to avoid as a West Ham fan. Rather than an opportunity to strengthen, they have more closely resembled the grisly final moments of a one-sided boxing match.

We get clubbed with a ferocious right-cross in the closing stages of every bout, the legs go, the eyes glaze over and all those in the corner of the vanquished pray, ‘keep your guard up, grab him, hold on, stay out of trouble ‘til the bell...’

As ever, the best we can hope for is the most corrupt of split decisions, just the one detached retina and no lasting cerebral damage.

6. Transfer Rumours

Our potential losses are of far greater concern than any token recruits.

Remember the time not too long ago when we were being linked with players, instead of resembling a one-stop-shop for any team in trouble?

A rumour that emerged this week has been particularly troubling. The potential loss of Scott Parker (some say to Liverpool in anticipation of ex-Hammer, Javier Mascherano, heading for Barcelona), would surely be the coup de grâce.

7. Tipping Point

If we go down this year and fail to gain promotion within 12-months, we may not see the top tier of English football for some time, a’ la Southampton, Leeds or Leicester.

Even a 12-month resurrection may be fanciful, as relegation is likely to herald the much-prophesised ‘fire-sale’, which has mercifully yet to materialise.

I get the feeling that a variety of factors are combining to forge a perfect storm of conditions, which could see our club founder upon the twin rocks of financial mismanagement and over extension.

I do hope I’m wrong. The next two months will shed significant light on our future.

But, hey, what do I know? Last week I said how I can’t see Parker sharing a midfield with either Kovac or Noble, and on Saturday Zola played all three.

8. Farewell Dean Ashton

Everyone now knows that Dean Ashton has been forced to retire through injury at the age of just 26.

The most effective English centre-forward to play for West Ham since Tony Cottee will now sadly be crammed into the exhaustive Upton Park file, entitled ‘What Might Have Been’.

I’m sure we’ve all put ourselves through the anguish of hypothesising where we could be now with a front line of Cole and Ashton.

Not that he’ll ever read it, but this blog would like to put on public record its gratitude for the fine service of Dean Ashton, and how in his retirement, we wish him all the Custard Creams in Christendom.

Bolton 2 - 1 West Ham (And A Cup Exit To Shiver The Spine)

Bolton:

1. Let's Accentuate The Positive

The good things about this game: We scored!

The bad things about this game: Everything else.

2. West Ham Kryptonite

Kevin Davies and Roy Hodgson looking as uncomfortable as two humans can possibly be after Davies joins Blackburn for £7m. No really - £7m.

Rather like the police captain from Casablanca I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that Kevin Cyril Davies scored against us once more. This takes his tally to 7 in his last 7 games against us. I will continue to suggest that we buy him, simply so he can never be on the opposing side for the rest of his career. I estimate this would cost £2m (slightly up from my last suggestion of £12), or approximately 0.4 Boa Morte's.

Consider this - we all exist in a world where Kevin Davies would score 38 goals a season if he only played against West Ham.

3. The Statistics

If you're looking for crumbs of comfort from the game in which we allowed Bolton to complete the double over us, then this might be the only place you'll get some solace. Before you get there though, consider that in the post Allardycian era Wanderers had "doubled" only one team (relegated Reading) before we arrived, gift wrapped, shivering in the frozen North and displaying all the killer instinct of a bunny rabbit.

We actually had 62% of the ball per ESPN, and mustered 20 shots at goal, with 8 on target. By contrast the home side had just 11 attempts, with only 4 testing Robert Green. Tellingly, 7 of these shots were taken in the first 25 minutes, highlighting the two distinct phases of this match - the early part, where we defended like we had a nice sideline going with a Malaysian betting syndicate, and the remaining 70 minutes where we played quite well but with no cutting edge.

David di Michele and Carlton Cole had as many shots between them as the entire Bolton team, but they simply don't have the all encompassing power of Kevin Davies' elbows.

4. The Opposition

Exactly how sarcastic can I be about a team who beat us so regularly? Seriously, 5-2 over the course of the season. And 3 of the goals scored by Kevin Davies. Ay Carumba.

Credit where it's due, I respect the work ethic of a group that is so stunningly average in composition, and I certainly respect the ability of Matthew Taylor to score tremendous goals, and to do erm, well, absolutely nothing else.

But, I mean come on, here is a football team that plays ostensibly using their elbows and sharpened studs. Gary Megson referred to his sides second goal as "well worked" when, as far as I can tell the main pass was made by Johan Elmander with his back turned to the play, and more in hope than expectation. Either way, I don't rate their technical skills all that much, but they work hard and they battle for each other and it wouldn't hurt us to add a little of that to the mix.

5. The Referee

I must protest. The elbows of Kevin Davies are not a legitimate tackling aide in the game of Association Football. Steve Tanner appears to disagree with me.

6. A Noble Quest

At 2 down in the first half we had a great chance to get back into the match when Mark Noble was sent through on goal with nary a defender in sight.

As he appeared to hit a patch of quicksand, he decided to forget the notion of scoring and instead attempted a pass to Jack Collison, who was several yards offside at that point, and also marked by a defender. If it is possible to peer into the mind of another human and see exactly how much confidence they have, then I believe that Noble is running on empty. In the current system, with no wingers and no flair players, Noble is all important, and right now he seems to be labouring badly.

I swear it's the lack of high fives.

7. Welcome Back

Whilst all around him were playing like drains, Scott Parker took a firm hold on this game and nearly single handedly dragged us back into it. It was his goal, nicely created by Jonathan Spector after a granite like first touch from Carlton Cole, that signalled our revival, and he was absolutely clattered in the build up to David di Michele's late miss and probably should have had a penalty.

For a couple of years I've been wondering exactly why we paid £6.5m for Parker, and this game gave a nice glimpse as to what we may have been thinking. Perhaps he is fitter these days, perhaps he has a better understanding of what is required of him, perhaps he's had his legs sorted so that he no longer wheels around incessantly, but there is little doubt that he has been our best player for quite a while now.

8. A Brief Interlude

I won't attempt to describe David di Michele's goal attempts in too much depth, as I'm not sure that the English language has the requisite words.

Suffice to say that if you missed his first half exercise in squanderosity, then believe me when I say that it was less an attempt on goal and more a full scale challenge to the laws of physics.

Middlesbrough:

I can't write a review of this game. 4,000 West Ham fans went North in pursuit of life, love and happiness and instead came back shell shocked as Middlesbrough (Middlesbrough!) outplayed us to pick up their first win over a Premiership team in 15 games.

One observation about both this game and the Bolton match that seems to be relevant is that once our initial approach wears off we don't appear to have a back up plan. Both games were similar in that we found ourselves 2-0 down before I'd even had a chance to slag off Stewart Downing, and yet a closer assessment tells us something quite interesting.

In both games the opposition scored a tremendous free kick, and then followed up by capitalising on some truly egregious defending to score a second. The first type of goal is a fact of life at this level, and at times you have to shrug your shoulders and get on with things.

The second goals, however, were an example of how teams such as these score - get the ball forward and put pressure on the opposition back four. The crucial part of this is that it doesn't require an awful lot to go right other than a long punt and a bit of pressure. Sure, against better teams it will fail more often than not, but then it's not really unfair to suggest that Bolton and Boro fail more often than not against better teams.

Contrasting with that is our new approach, whereby we are attempting quick, short passing from anywhere on the pitch. I'm not upset at this, by the way, but my point is that a lot more people have to do something right for it to work. Therefore, on collective off days, like the one at Boro, we can look utterly impotent.

None of this is to suggest that we don't score crappy goals ourselves, or that we are the second coming of the Magical Magyars, but without a Di Canio or a Joe Cole type, it does mean that we require a collective piece of inspiration rather than individual...

West Ham 1 - 3 Bolton Wanderers (And Other Ramblings)

1. A Many Splintered Thing

So, I ended up missing this game, possibly because Kevin Davies elbowed me in the head, or possibly because I had the flu. In my twenty or so years suffering at the hands of West Ham, I have only been sick for two games. This was the second, and the first was the 2006 FA Cup Final. You can try and discuss it with me if you like, but you'll probably lose a limb so why bother.

2. Impossibilities

Just how hard is it to concede three goals at home to Bolton? Well it's not exactly "splitting the atom" hard - in fact, it's harder. It's more like "splitting the atom with a pair of tweezers and a pool cue".

In terms that we can all understand, I would say that it is roughly as hard as allowing Linvoy Primus to score against you. Twice. In the same half. Or even allowing Jon Fucking Stead to score against you. Ever.

So it's not without precedent, but it's still a feat of some difficulty.

To illustrate, it has been 25 away games since Bolton last managed it at Wigan in April of 2007, to which I say "Pffft - even we managed that". Furthermore, Wanderers have managed 3 away goals just twice at all in 53 road trips stretching back to 2005. West Hamically, they even contrived to lose one of those matches, despite scoring three goals and Kevin Davies elbowing everybody in the head.

But, I hear you ask, just how hard it is to lose at home to Bolton at all? Well, they managed just two away league wins all last year, at Reading and Middlesbrough, who shared the common distinction of being utterly crap.

Not a great day at the office, then.

3. The Statistics

There is something startlingly telling about the statistics for this game. We had the ball for 65% of the time, which is a hugely dominant share, but converted that into a paltry 4 shots on goal. By contrast, the visitors had 6 efforts on target, which Robert Green converted into 3 goals courtesy of a near flawless Paul Robinson impersonation.

What struck me about this was the rather obvious comparison between our policy of passing the ball around in prolonged, attractive spells that yielded absolutely nothing, whilst Bolton simply got the ball and smacked it as high and hard as possible in the general direction of whichever Easter Island statue was loitering with intent in our box.

This was evidenced by the farcical first goal that arose largely as a result of Kevin Davies's magic elbow, Green's grease covered oven gloves and a long aimless punt from the full back.

You can take Sam Allardyce out of Bolton.........

4. The Opposition

I have to be careful here. I really do make a conscious effort to be as even handed as possible in my reports, but I simply cannot contain myself about Bolton. I hate them. I really do. I hate playing them and I hate watching other people play them. Clearly some of this is down to the fact that we never beat them but, let's be honest, if that was my main criteria then I would only have time for Blackburn Rovers.

Now let's be clear and not kid ourselves that Bolton were anything other than better than us on Sunday. Being defensive and dull doesn't mean that you aren't worthy winners, as unpalatable as it might be to lose to such a barefaced show of aggressive functionality. There can be no denying the effectiveness of the style, such as it is, and even more so when one considers that Johan Elmander is actually quite good, but performing fairly ineptly at present.

I can admire the way that they make the best of what they've got and in particular the cunning use of Kevin Davies's right elbow as a major attacking weapon.

So, in summary. I don't like them and they don't care. The only qualitatively good Bolton team I have ever seen was the John McGinley/Andy Walker side who were really quite excellent in the 90's, but then again so were Oasis.

The real question here is perhaps why Sky are so insistent on showing this particular fixture to the rest of the world, considering that I support one of the teams involved and it usually makes me want to cave my skull in.

In the interests of fairness and balance, you could visit this excellent Bolton blog, http://mannyroad.wordpress.com/ because I appreciate good writing, blogging and the ability to post links without revealing the entire text. This latter attribute is because I am a Luddite.

5. The Referee

I actually felt that referee Mike Dean was a little off the pace today, possibly as a result of being elbowed in the face by Kevin Davies. There were some curious decisions throughout the match, although Dean tends to be a curious referee so maybe it's not that big of a deal.

Herita Ilunga's left hand appeared to explode part way through the first half, which is a slightly unusual injury for a footballer. I have no conclusive proof that this was a result of foul play by Bolton, but in the interests of wild hyperbole I am going to say that it was.

6. We've Got Our West Ham Back

Is this it then? I had been sceptical about the truth of the revolution based upon the abject flimsiness of the opposition so far and this didn't do a whole lot to strengthen my belief.

Sure, there was a lovely passage of play that led to Carlton Cole hitting the post, and our retention of the ball was much improved from recent seasons but if we can't translate that into anything approximating attacking football then I have to question if it actually constitutes improvement over the Curbishley era?

Look, I know we're only four games in, and that I was the loudest advocate for removing Curbishley, but my point remains that for all the likely aesthetic improvement of watching Zola's West Ham I sincerely doubt that we'll actually be any more successful now.

Despite being the lugubrious sort I'm perfectly alright with that, but I don't think performances like these will be conducive to long term job security for Zola. Hey, it's one game in a season and against a horrible, big, elbowing Northern team at that. We rarely win these games and I am quite relaxed about that fact.

But tougher challenges lie ahead, and I quail slightly at the sound of my manager announcing to the world that "tactics don't matter much" in his pre match interview.

Gianfranco Zola meet Steve Maclaren. Steve, this is Gianfranco. Sit down and I'll get you both a coffee. You have much to discuss.

7. At This Point, A Suggestion

I estimate our chances of beating Bolton are roughly 114% greater if Kevin Davies is not playing. Therefore, why do we not just spend the £12 it would cost to buy him? In his last 6 games against us he has now has 6 goals. This from a "striker" who has only scored 39 times in his league career for Bolton. There are nuclear warheads out there that are less dangerous to us than this guy.

So yes, I certainly could have lived without Green going on handling safari during the first half but I don't think it really would have mattered as Davies still would have scored somehow. It's just inevitable.

I give up, I bow down to the majesty of Kevin Davies and his magic elbows. We should get us one of them.

8. Green Fingers

For some time I have been wondering quite what Robert Green had to do to get some love from the England management. Well whatever it is would have to be the polar opposite of this display.

I'm not going to expend a lot of energy thinking about this performance - it was terrible. C'est la vie, these things happen.

One point of concern would be the last goal, which was walloped in from about 40 yards by Matthew Taylor. A tremendous strike for certain, but at this juncture I think we have all established that Taylor's sole attribute is the ability to shoot from several nautical miles out. I can't imagine exactly what was surprising about that goal.

9. The Flourishing Left

Last week I commented that our left side was looking as healthy as it had done for a while. A facetious type could simply attribute this to the lack of Boa Morte, but clearly it's a little more than that.

Matthew Etherington has perked up in recent weeks, but the aforementioned Ilunga has been great since his arrival from Toulouse. To describe him as our sole attacking threat in the first half would be inaccurate as it would overstate the number of attacking threats that we had in the first half, but he was as close as we got.

His strong running repeatedly got him into good positions and any semblance of decent movement from our front men would have helped immeasurably. As it was, he was left to wonder exactly how Carlton Cole was failing to roast Andy O'Brien.

Let me tell you Herita, you were far from alone.

10. The Invisible Men

Allegedly David di Michele played in this game. He was allegedly replaced by Craig Bellamy.

It is entirely possible that neither of these two things happened.

West Ham United vs Bolton Wanderers: Match Preview - 05/10/2008

1. You Bet Your Ass I Wish To Proceed

The differences between the H List styles of HeadHammer Shark and myself were recently brought to my attention. An obese friend of mine said that while this blog’s creator has a thoughtful approach, mine is more blood and thunder. As my friend succinctly stated between fistfuls of porkpie, “he’s the thoughtful drama to your action movie”.

In light of this, all headlines in today’s edition shall be quotes from great action films, including the above. See if you can guess them all. There will be a prize for the winner.

2. Shhh! Quiet! Mustn’t Wake Them!

It must be the absence of headlines, sackings or arrests, but these last seven days have seemed very quiet in comparison to the tumultuous happenings of recent weeks. Nary a word has left the Upton Park PR Department

Hang on, it seems I have tempted fate like a rogue can of Top Deck at an AA meeting – whilst writing this section I’ve just come across one of the more bizarre entries on WHUFC.com

http://www.whufc.com/page/News/0,,12562~1410741,00.html

It’s all a little embarrassing and reads as if every use of the word ‘are’ should be in insistent italics. Whilst we are obviously more concerned with on-field goings on, it gets tiresome watching your club run by suits whose primary concern is bad PR. Who really needs an update on shirt sponsor negotiations? The fact that The Bobby Moore Fund is apparently not in the running is as much as we need to know.

This release reads like something Scott Duxbury’s scribbled together whilst sitting outside the Headmaster’s office, coming across as an impassioned plea that ‘OK, so it looks like we don’t know what we’re doing, but everything’s all right really!’

But what do I know – it’s that post-modern approach that won George W Bush two terms in The White House. Thankfully, we’re not all ultra-patriotic neo-con Republicans.

(Apologies to any Republican-voting readers. Actually, forget it. Obama’s an established Hammers fan – I’ve seen him quaffing sausage rolls in the Bobby Moore Lower.)

3. Bunch Of Slack Jawed Faggots Around Here

During the course of my “research”, I braved the barren wasteland and listless plains of Bolton’s official website. Hoping to acquire some understanding into the expectations of their visit to the Boleyn, I was met with a telling insight into this bare void of a football club.

The banner headline on the home page, the forbidden fruit with which they entice you in, reads thusly:

‘Head Groundsman Richard Norton Takes Us On A 20-Minute Tour Of The Reebok Playing Surface.’

Enthralling. Just the 20-minutes? I’m surprised the website hasn’t crumbled under the sheer volume of hits.

Now I’m sure Richard is a lovely fella, faithful to the Mrs, strictly adherent to the Highway Code, but I’d struggle to stay awake with Keira Knightly taking me on a tour of the weekend’s Premiership Passchendaele (abundant craters, grown men staggering around in a complete daze watched over by traumatised weeping young boys).

This sums up Bolton better than I ever could have hoped to highlight with statistics or insightful commentary and it gets better, their website is a goldmine. A quote from disagreeable Chairman Phil Gartside from an article entitled ‘Making Progress’:

“On the subject of match atmosphere, we’ve tried the new idea of a singing stand and it didn’t really get going.”

A dedicated singing stand.

Here is one of the main reasons why Bolton should be banished from the Premier League. One could conceivably sympathise with the fans given the comatose brand of ‘football’ they are made to watch each week, but we haven’t been blessed in that department recently and had to sit through Plymouth Argyle in the Carling Cup last year, naturally finding song as the only entertainment available.

Plus, these are Bolton fans and I don’t know about you, but I thought they were all conspicuous by their absence in both the Nuremberg trials and the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

4. He’s Like A Piece Of Iron

With Ashton being newly crippled, it has emerged that Diego Tristan has been at the club on trial this week after news that Digestive Dunkin’ Dean may well be out ‘til the New Year.

Having left Italian side Livorno in the summer, Tristan is on the lookout for a move to the Premiership and the 32-year old Spaniard has been training with West Ham this week hoping to clinch a deal come the weekend. Whilst on the wrong side of 30, di Michele has shown how that need not be a prohibitive factor for a player on loan.

A former Deportivo La Coruna forward, Tristan was once one of the more formidable strikers in Europe, courted by football’s royalty and regularly breaching Champions League defences in the early part of the decade.

His form of late can be accurately described as less prolific, managing only a single goal in his last 34 starts for Mallorca (13) and Livorno (21). Tristan also has a reputation for not being the most ardent model of professional fitness, so he should fit right in.

He was released by both Deportivo and Mallorca over concerns regarding physical condition and form, but with Zola’s main gripe with the current squad being fitness levels, we shouldn’t worry that Lucas Neill will have any competition in the scramble for his post-training cupcakes.

Meanwhile, Stephen Appiah looks to have priced himself out of the market with wage demands of £60,000-per week. Whilst this was the sort of money we were giving away free with every official Advent Calendar a couple of years ago, the Board will be more reluctant to splash out such figures now. Although at 27, Appiah is arguably worth that sort of money for what should be his best years.

5. Well Ya Know, For Me, The Action Is The Juice

Last season’s corresponding fixture was the most frustratingly predictable affair since Britney’s second marriage lasted all of six months and she went mental.

Having gone 1-0 up thanks to George McCartney’s acrobatic volley, our failure to consolidate always left the door open for Bolton to score and sure enough, come the 94th minute, along came Kevin Nolan’s equaliser.

Our propensity to not only concede agonising late goals, but to see them coming a good half hour before they happen may just be a part of our genetic make-up as opposed to something in the control of any one man, or group of eleven men.

What’s needed against teams like Bolton is not only to score early, but to score more than once, make them venture outside their own 18-yard box enabling us to exploit their abundant shortcomings.

They are bound to come to Upton Park, sit back and try to nick goal. If they score first, they’ll never leave their half so I think it’s imperative for us to take the lead and preferably within the first 20-minutes.

Bolton’s sole strength remains their threat from set-pieces, something at which we are not particularly adept at defending. Whilst playing Faubert at right-back has not back-fired as yet and given us more threat going forward, with Bolton’s physical presence, this would be a good game to blood genuine defender Wally Lopez in the back four.

Lopez would then have a chance to find his first team feet against lesser opposition over the next two games before the challenge of Arsenal at home in three weeks, when one would hope Faubert is nowhere near our defence.

Either that or a more established centre-half would be available by then (James Collins featured for 70mins in a reserve game alongside Lopez in midweek, Tomkins is back in training) to join Upson in rolling Lucas Neill back out to his customary right-back position.

A win against Bolton and a victorious trip to Hull City(?) next week would see us off to a flyer and lay a great foundation for a successful season, but we all know that these are exactly the kind of games where we tend to come unstuck.

6. I Always Tell The Truth, Even When I Lie.

Yep, Dave Whelan.

I was hoping to leave the whole Tevezgate thing this week as HeadHammer Shark seems to have it all covered, then my arch nemesis pipes up again (I’m sure he must purposely time these outbursts for The H List Previews):

“I spoke to Kevin McCabe only this week to congratulate him on his success and I want him to get any amount of money he feels they've lost… We're not having clubs telling us lies, I'm sorry it can't be done and they can't brush it under the carpet, which I think has been the policy… If it's points deducted, if it's a fine or whatever they've got to do, they must let democracy rule here."

Ahem…

The Daily Telegraph, August 2003:

“JJB Sports, the country's biggest retailer of replica shirts, were among 10 businesses fined a total of £18.6 million yesterday for price fixing. Founder Dave Whelan attacked what he called a "politically motivated" decision and said he would be appealing against the fine.”

Office of Fair Trading (OFT), October 2004:

“Of the 10 parties that were found to have engaged in price-fixing agreements on replica football kit, only JJB and Allsports appealed against the finding. The Competition Appeal Tribunal (CAT) has upheld the OFT's decision that they broke competition law.”

The Independent, October 2004:

“In making their judgement, CAT revealed that the JJB chairman David Whelan was at a meeting at the house of the Allsports chief executive David Hughes in June 2000 to agree a price for Manchester United kits. The meeting was also attended by Mike Ashley of Sports Soccer, who later acted as the whistleblower triggering the OFT investigation.”

Telling lies? Democracy? Shut it, Whelan.

It’s also interesting to note the history between Whelan and Mike Ashley in light of The Convicted Price Fixer’s recent criticism of the Newcastle owner. That he purports to be a champion of justice and defender of the wronged reads as hollow as Dean Ashton’s biscuit tin.

7. I Want Him DEAD, I Want His Family DEAD, I Want His House Burnt To The GROUND

They must be breeding these repellent, blabber-mouthed Chairmen up North. Bolton supremo Phil Gartside has now decided to jump on the bandwagon seeing as his team are up against us this weekend:

"There is an argument to say we can claim three points from West Ham. We went down there and lost 3-1, Tevez scored two and it cost us £700,000 because that was one place in the league. If Sheffield United are successful and get a claim, then why shouldn't we?”

Fair point, Phil. Why don’t we pay, say half a million to every team we beat that season?

And herein lies the genesis of a parasitic pollutant spawned by the séance held at the ‘Independent’ FA Tribunal. When will the madness end?

8. Gonna Have Me Some Fun!

So another preview comes and goes with hardly 30% of the content devoted to our actual team. Whose fault is that, you ask? Not mine. Still, I hope to have kept you partially interested with the headline competition, the answers to which are:

1 - Die Hard
2 - Lord Of The Rings (ok, not out and out action, but I was struggling)
3 – Predator
4 – Rocky IV
5 – Heat
6 – Scarface
7 – The Untouchables
8 – Predator.

The winner gets to leave a complimentary post in the comments section.

Bolton Wanderers 1 - 0 West Ham (And Other Wakes I Have Attended Recently)

1. It's Like A Funeral (*)

I should have realised that this was going to be an ill fated trip, when I somehow managed to confuse our 12 year old mascot with Freddie Sears during the warm up. This lead to a brief outburst of optimism amongst my row which would not be repeated for the rest of the day.

This was easily the worst game of football I have seen since, oh I don't know, Tuesday.

(*) Today's H List headers are brought to you by the Upton Park Community Choir - Travelling Section

2. Are We Charlton In Disguise?

To describe this performance as listless and insipid would simply not do it justice. This was the footballing equivalent of being slapped around the head with a large bag of apples.

Of course, being Curbishley-era West Ham it was caked in that extra layer of shit to really make the whole thing utterly unpalatable. I'm not sure how many more times I can object to performances like this before you all switch your allegiance to another West Ham blog in protest at my constant negativity.

My biggest complaint about this day is that the players weren't outside the ground handing out money back to the 3,000 fans who wasted a day going to watch this crap when we could have been doing something more rewarding like shoving cement up our noses.

3. You Don't Know What You're Doing

There was a wonderful testament to the current regime after a mere 60 seconds of the match. Anton Ferdinand warmed up for this game so thoroughly that he managed to pull a hamstring the first time that he was actually required to move.

The fact that Curbishley then had the gall to list this injury as one of the reasons for our lethargy simply shows how out of touch he appears to be with the feelings of the supporters.

I for one, couldn't care less about our injury list when it gets bolstered in this sort of fashion - because either the player or the coaching staff are simply not professional enough.

Perhaps even more telling was Curbishley's response to the injury. With John Paintsil and James Tomkins on the bench and a central defender injured, he chose to send on Paintsil and shift Spector in to the middle. Objectively, I can understand this ploy given that the replacement would have been up against Kevin Davies who is never more than 30 seconds away from kicking his opponent, and Tomkins is a willowy 19 year old.

But, and it's a large one, we already know what we have in Spector (tries hard, also tries my patience) and Paintsil (cult hero, mostly due to his ineptitude). This is an unprecedented chance to trial youngsters in the heat of the Premiership without regard for the results. Certainly, I don't want to see us lose to Bolton, but I can suffer it if there is any sort of investment in the future of the team.

Sadly, Tomkins was left on the bench, Spector made the mistake that allowed Davies to score, and Paintsil helped to improve Lucas Neill's reputation. And we are no closer to knowing what the future might hold.

4. We're Shit But We're Staying Up

It's hard to know which is a more damning indictment of modern football. That this appalling Bolton side had a decent UEFA Cup run earlier this season, or that this appalling West Ham team has comfortably stayed in the top half of the Premier League all year.

I have little sympathy for Bolton's plight. The type of football that they play is about as aesthetically pleasing as a Heather Mills press interview, and I will certainly not mourn the absence of the Reebok stadium from our away trips. That said, they were significantly better than us today. Sure, it was all long balls and elbows but they're Bolton fer Chrissakes, not the re-incarnation of Brazil '84.

Our distaste for any kind of physical battle was obvious as early as the first Bolton attack which required Spector to make a nifty clearance from under his own bar as the rest of his colleagues stood around comparing their mudless knees.

I'd tell you more, but truthfully, what would be the point? The players have been on holiday since we reached 40 points, as evidenced by the fact that we have scored just 5 goals in our last 9 games, of which one was deflected and another required Nolberto Solano to boot Antti Niemi in the head. At this point I think I'd have more respect for Curbishley if he simply came out and admitted that he can't be bothered, and he's booked a trip to the Seychelles that he is really quite looking forward to.

5. We Want A Second Striker

Trying to determine what on earth was happening with our tactics in this game would take a far more intelligent being than I, like say Stephen Hawking or Deep Blue.

Encouragingly we began this game with two strikers, but rather less encouragingly still began the game with 5 men playing in midfield. For some brain-warping reason, the very left footed Bobby Zamora was deployed on the very right hand side of our team, which rather awesomely nullified both at once. If you ever attempted to send this particular formation out to play on a PC Football Manager type game the system simply wouldn't let you as it is too ludicrous to even consider.

Things then took a turn for the mental as we made our first substitution - replacing debutant midfielder Jack Collison with striker Carlton Cole. So far, so splendid you might imagine. Except that right footed centre forward Cole was stranded out on the left, Zamora was still bemused on the right, and Luis Boa Morte was inexplicably moved into the middle in ersatz support of the very lonely Dean Ashton.

So, just to recap, that's 5 in midfield, comprised of 2 midfielders (Parker & Mullins), 2 centre forwards playing wide (Zamora & Cole) and Boa Morte who barely qualifies as a homosapien at this point.

Our last change was to replace the tiring Zamora with Freddie Sears. Cole was switched over to the right to ensure that we were still wasting at least one of our strikers, and Sears was employed alongside Ashton. There was an immediate upturn in our fortunes as the youngster appeared to cotton on to the fact that Bolton are a fucking terrible defensive team.

Naturally, we didn't score.

6. Too Fucking Negative

Just in case you missed that last point, please let me re-iterate. We failed to score against a defence containing Andy O'Brien, a man who wasn't a good enough defender.........for Newcastle.

7. Sign Him Up

Kevin Davies has now scored a whopping four goals this year to really enforce the notion that any description of him as a "striker" must always come with inverted comma's. One little addendum to that fact, however, is a real pearler. In his last 37 games against all teams in the Universe other than West Ham, Davies has scored 3 goals. In his last 5 games against us he has scored 5 times.

At this point may I suggest that we buy him, simply so that he will never play against us again.

8. We Are West Hams Claret And Blue Army

It's tough to know exactly where we go from here. Next week we face a Derby team who appear to have been sent from God in order to prevent Premiership teams from having bad runs, and consequently it would seem logical to assume that we will get back to winning ways soon. But that would simply be papering over the cracks. I will re-iterate my call for Curbishley to go in the summer once again, because I love a futile gesture, but there is a deeper malaise here.

I cannot really understand how our owners could look favourably at Curbishley's consistent record of achieving mid table safety, before sliding into the dead mans land of 12th-14th. I'm sure there are psychoanalysts out there who might better be able to explain this pattern, but my uneducated view would be that such a huge emphasis has been placed on achieving safety, that the emotional high of doing so has now led to this hopeless slide into abject crappiness.

Either way, after 15 years of repeating this trend, Curbishley seems no closer to resolving the problem. I'd like to think he is aware of this, but if he is then it's not translating into anything different on the pitch. Except, maybe, for Hayden Mullins taking our set pieces. Which should stop. Now.

9. Boo!

Another deluxe performance from Luis Boa Morte this week. Somewhat controversially he eschewed traditional football gear once more, and this time proceeded with a pair of moon boots. Not the popular fashion accessory, mind, but the actual lead based NASA designed line as worn by Armstrong, Aldrin et al.

Many Hammers fans like to mock Boa Morte and claim that his second touch is always a tackle. To me this isn't true. I dream of the day that his first touch keeps the ball close enough to him that he could make a tackle. Usually it bounces off him into another postal district. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a human being with abilities less suited to being a professional footballer than this man.

Consider this. Just before Dean Ashton rattled the Bolton crossbar in our only decent move of the week, Boa Morte had the ball drop to him, on his favoured left foot, seven yards from goal with only a man on the line to beat.

Unsurprisingly he shot straight at the defender and the chance was lost. This, however, wasn't the worst of it - the shot wasn't blocked off the line, it was kicked off the line. Just consider how bad your technique has to be to strike a ball so lamely from 7 yards out that the opposition player has time to weigh it up, adjust his body and swing at the ball.

There are arachnids out there who are more talented than this man. Enough is enough is enough....