England, Innit?

1. Our New White Elephant

At exactly 12.32pm on Saturday I was giggling away as Gianluca Pazzini walloped in the first ever goal at the new Wembley. Naturally he was being marked by a West Ham centre half at the time but it amused me none the less.

What surprised me most about the new Wembley was not the padded seats, the Somme like pitch or the Seafood and Champagne bar (although that was something of a shock) but rather the people inhabiting the stadium.

I was surrounded by thousands of what I could only describe as "young people". Now Mama Shark insists that I too was once an infant but I can't remember it. Anyway, had aliens landed at Wembley on Saturday, were it not for the game of football going on, they would have assumed that this was some sort of Fake Jamaican Accent Convention.

Or, as I believe they like to be known, 'The National Association of Innit'.

2. The Game

Starting with the Under-21 game first then. This was rather like watching a training game, to nobody's great surprise.

The Italians were significantly better than England, employing the highly unusual tactic of passing and moving. England were somewhat lacklustre, with only David Bentley really displaying an international class technique. But he looks like the sort of chap who doesn't return his library books so I hold that against him.

Alarmingly there were several English players on the pitch who looked simply clueless against the swift, highly skilled Italian attackers. Certainly not least amongst equals were our very own Anton Ferdinand and Nigel Reo-Coker. Ferdinand, especially was woeful. Perhaps his nan was ill again.

3. The Evening Blues: Israel 0 - 0 England

Tel Aviv was a laugh wasn't it? The only thing that surprises me about England anymore is that anyone is surprised at all.

Look at the players: Andy Johnson, Phil Neville, Paul Robinson, Jamie Carragher (at left back), Aaron Lennon (at left midfield) - these are not international class footballers.

Look at the manager: Here is a man whose Middlesbrough team were so dull that local children used to deliberately get sent to detention on Saturday's so they didn't have to go and watch the crap on display at The Riverside.

Be still my beating heart.

4. The Middle 8

Interesting to see the rest of the country catching up on the Francis Lampard bandwagon and throwing themselves headlong on to it.

By my reckoning Lampard in an England shirt has now reverted to being the player he was at West Ham. A near useless central playmaker whose only contribution is to take up good attacking positions and score the occasional goal. Unlike at Chelsea, where the team are dominant and he has Essien to do all his running and Makalele to do all of his defensive work, this England team are middling at best.

With so little creativity, England require a player in the central role who makes things happen rather than reacting to them. For all his undeniable talents, this is not Lampard. There is a fellow at Liverpool who might fit the bill, but we're busy marooning him on the right.

5. Department Of Delusion : Part 342

Andy Johnson is a better option for England than Jermain Defoe.

Possibly the maddest decision taken by an Englishman since someone decided to try and set the River Thames on fire to celebrate the Millennium.

6. Trying To Open The Andorra: Andorra 0 - 3 England

Like a school bully smashing up the little kid at the back of the bike shed, this was a thoroughly unrewarding victory.

The absence of Lampard allowed Gerrard the dominant central role that I've been demanding since 2 paragraphs ago, and look how it paid off. If only Maclaren read The H List.

I will reiterate my earlier point however. It seems churlish to me to question the players desire to represent their country. One does not reach international level without having a near maniacal thirst for personal success.

Therefore, for instance, I do not hold Stewart Downing responsible for his continued ineptness. I'm sure he cares, I'm just equally sure that it's irrelevant because he appears to have no control over his feet. Even more sadly, he may actually be the best option we currently have on the left which is indicative of the gradual lowering of quality required to be an England international in recent years.

7. Why Gerrard Should Be Captain

Exhibit A your honour. Not that two goals against Andorra should be anybody's job application but I have been stating for some time now that John Terry shouldn't be in England's team, let alone the captain.

Shouting loudly at your team mates whilst being continually turned inside out by international class strikers does not a skipper make. I'd rather hitch my wagon to the man who inspired the comeback at Istanbul and then made me cry for a fortnight last May.

Why we haven't made Gerrard the centrepiece of our national team for the past 5 years is a mystery. Instead Maclaren seems determined to shoehorn in as many 'big name' players (and Downing) as he can, in a vain attempt to replace tactical nous with Premiership derring do. And look how well it's working.

8. Your Summer Plans For 2008

You might want to get into cricket and Wimbledon innit.

England, Your Questions Answered (And Other Ramblings)

1. It's All About The Timing

1-0 down in Croatia. Against a team who have never lost a competitive game at home. With 21 minutes to go.

You can't say that there was anything wrong with the timing of Gary Neville's first international goal.

2. Formation Blues

I didn't really have any problem with Steve McClaren trying a 3-5-2 formation tonight. Not that I can think of a team, domestic or international, who have ever had any success using that line up, but then I can't recall an England team of recent vintage who have had success using any line up at all.

Might I suggest that England's problems lie not with the formation but the players.

England are guileless.

If Wayne Rooney is injured, suspended or distracted by Colleen's latest shopping spree, then it is impossible to see where a goal will come from. Francis Lampard is hamstrung by not having Claude Makelele to do all his defending and Steven Gerrard is hamstrung by having Francis Lampard meandering around next to him.

3. The Stats

Has anybody else been mystified by the ridiculously euphoric media reaction to the reign of Steve McClaren prior to this weekend? Here's an interesting little experiment. I have listed England's last 10 opponents below, with the result in parentheses and their current FIFA world ranking on the right.


Croatia (L) 24
Macedonia (D) 51
Andorra (W) 160
Greece (W) 22
Portugal (D) 9
Ecuador (W) 30
Sweden (D) 18
Trinidad & Tobago (W) 56
Paraguay (W) 21
Jamaica (W) 77

If we then take those rankings and apply them to the current English League you get the following run:

Preston (L)
Crewe (D)
St Benedicts U12 (W)
Birmingham (W)
Blackburn (D)
Derby (W)
Sheffield United (D)
Swansea (W)
Cardiff (W)
Hartlepool (W)

Now if West Ham went on that particular run I'd be pleased enough I guess, but I don't think I'd be touting them to win the Premiership. Yet prior to the defeat in Zagreb, England were favourites to win Euro 2008. The phrase you're looking for is "mind-boggling".

In case you're interested, the only victory England have managed in recent memory over a team currently ranked in the top 20 is a streaky 2-1 win over Uruguay in March.

3. He Does Dance Like A Robot I Suppose

Applying the method above to Peter Crouch's goal record makes for interesting reading. The highest ranking team he has scored against is also Uruguay. Of his 11 goals, 8 have come against teams ranked lower than 50 in the world. You can't see me, but I am wearing a t-shirt saying "Unimpressed".

On the back it says "John Terry is NOT international class" but that is another column all together.

4. When Irish Eyes Are Weeping

As a Shark with Gaelic heritage I was fairly apopletic at the Republic of Ireland's performance in Cyprus this weekend. Would it be remiss of me to point out the following to Steve Staunton?

Goals conceded against a team of waiters with Paddy Kenny in goal : 5.
Goals conceded against a team of world class footballers with some bloke I've never heard of in goal : 1.

There is, perhaps, a lesson in there somewhere.

5. It's Hard To Find A Genuine Left Winger In England - Ask A Labour Voter

Does anyone else wonder if he had been born right footed, or indeed anywhere on mainland Europe, that Stewart Downing would not be a professional footballer?

I don't actually blame Downing for his continued appalling displays for England. It is the managers job to put players in the position best suited to their range of skills. For Steven Gerrard this is a free role, for Wayne Rooney it is in the hole between the midfield and striker. For Stewart Downing it is behind the confectionery counter at his local Odeon cinema.

6. And On To Your Questions

Many thanks to those of you have posted comments on the site. I welcome all feedback, except negative stuff or anything posted by the family of Michael Dawson.

You can leave messages by clicking on the link that says "o comments" and leave your questions or abuse there. I'll endeavour to answer anything I can.

First thanks then to "Overseas Iron" who posted the following:

a) Is the Argentinian/takeover situation more trouble than it's worth?

In short, no. I do not see how the addition of two world class players can be considered a negative. The real test here is for Pardew and his staff to alter our style of play sufficiently to incorporate Tevez and Mascherano successfully. Remember they have come from an Argentinian set up geared to keeping the ball for extended periods of time. Conversely, Premiership teams cough up possession incessantly, and at great pace, and that will presumably be something of a culture shock.

In respect of the takeover I concede it is unsettling for the fans, and probably the administrative staff, but given that our players are all employed on a contract basis and will be paid their wages irrespective of who owns the club I simply do not accept that it should have any detrimental affect on the teams performance. Sending out a back 4 who can best be described as "imaginary" will do, however.

b) With our new arrivals, what's the best midfield option/personnel?

Few Hammers fans would disagree that the best midfield foursome we could put out right now would be Face, Murdoch, Hannibal and BA Baracus.

On the off chance they're all injured I would settle for Etherington, Mascherano, Reo-Coker and Benayoun, although NRC has been well below par this year. In truth, Bowyer and Mullins have been far from our worst performers so far but I would always have Benayoun in my team, and I have faith that Mascherano will begin to impose himself on games shortly.

c) Is there a danger that loyal and effective servants to date will become disheartened at recent goings on at the Boleyn? (Mullins in particular)

This is a prescient question. The issue of morale has always seemed crucial to our continued success, something that is constantly proved by our ability to rescue seemingly lost causes. Of course I would argue that if we had better players we would not find ourselves behind so often and therefore might not need to rely on team spirit to such an extent.

However, were we to marginalise the previously central figures of Harewood, Mullins and Zamora before selling off Tevez and Mascherano it would be tough to imagine that wouldn't negatively impact the squad.

In short, as much as I love Hayden Mullins, I place my own happiness above his.......

England = Aston Villa (And Other World Cup Ramblings)

1. "England Is Mine - She Owes Me A Living"

Watching England always puts me in mind of The Smiths. Read into that what you will.

So England beat the European Champions 4-0. Ho hum. I wouldn't categorise myself as overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, just paint me plain old whelmed. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to have seen England play like that in the summer but the point remains that none of the teams we came up against in Germany would have ever allowed us to play in that way.

The fact that Greece are European Champions remains one of the most mind boggling feats in footballing history, and proof if it were needed that there is such a thing as karma. What happened that balmy (barmy?) night in Portugal shows beyond all doubt that for every human being there will come a moment when the stars and planets juxtapose themselves in such a fashion that the fates will conspire to allow an event which absolutely defies all logic and reason. For one such event to happen to an entire country at once is a little unusual but c'est la vie. This phenomena also explains why Scarlett Johanssen is going out with Josh Hartnett if you're interested. Indeed some cruel folk might suggest that the Greek back 4 appear to be to man marking what young Josh is to method acting. But not me.

Anyway - don't mention the war, onwards and upwards, didn't JT look inspirational, great finish by Lampard etc...

2. England = Aston Villa

Now in my last column I did level a fairly serious accusation at my own country by labelling them as the Aston Villa of the international scene. Lest I end up in the Tower, I think I should try and back that claim up.

I propose to test this theory by using a fairly straightforward ranking method for all World Cups dating back to, in this example, 1994.

By attributing a score to each country based upon where they have exited the competition it is possible to roughly get a picture of how each country has performed. To that end I have awarded 2 points for a Group Stage (GS) exit, 4 for 2nd Round (R2), 6 for Quarter Finals (QF), 8 for Semi Finals (SF), 10 for losing finalists (F) and 12 for Winners (W).

Using that system produces some interesting results. Try matching up the following countries with the scores below, as determined using the rather excellent http://www.planetworldcup.com/ - England, Mexico, USA, Germany & Brazil:

Country A - 40
Country B - 30
Country C - 16
Country D - 16
Country E - 14

It probably doesn't take the brains of Paul Danan to work out that countries A & B are Brazil and Germany respectively. Countries C &D are Mexico and England and the USA are country E. (Yes, that's the USA hanging grimly to our coat tails there).

Interestingly England's performance puts them on par with not only Mexico but Sweden and every English pundits "under achieving" whipping boys, Spain. Averaging these 4 World Cup performances out gives England an average of 4 points, putting us a 2nd round team and no more.

Now, I KNOW what you're going to say. England's perfomance is heavily impeded by the fact that we did not qualify for USA 1994. Leaving aside the fact that non-qualification for a World Cup should probably tell you all you need to know about the international pecking order, this is a valid point.

If you therefore only take England's average for tournaments in which we've qualified that number rises to a slightly less Mexican 5.33, but still firmly in that bracket between R2 and QF losers.

Truth be told the point I'm eventually arriving at is that England performed exactly as history suggested we would in Germany. Ergo, my young padawans, why all the weeping and gnashing of teeth? Next time you feel the urge to stick £50 on an over hyped, consistently mediocre, sleeping "giant" of the game may I suggest that in doing so you are effectively backing Aston Villa to win the Premiership. Which is idiotic. And something you don't want to do.

3. The Link Between Lampard and Paltrow

Ever seen the film "Sliding Doors"? Nope, me either, But as I understand it the basic premise of the film is that there are alternate realities in which certain events haven't happened and thus the course of history is altered in those timelines. At some point these realities meet and the confluence of events reveals the truth, and Rebus gets together with Gwyneth Paltrow. Naturally.

Does this mean therefore, that there was a parallel universe where Francis Lampard would shoot and NOT have the ball deflect into the net? As I work it out (in my head) young Francis scores roughly 63% of his goals in our dimension, via a deflection. Interesting to note then that during the World Cup the canny opposition coaches noticed this and instructed their men to go nowhere near Francis and let him keep shooting. And boy, didn't that pay off. I can only assume, therefore, that Germany marked the moment when Francis's two alternate realities converged. Shame.

4. The Curious Incident of the Fox in the Box

(With apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

Has anybody seen Jermain Iscariot? The last time we saw him he was leaving the Boleyn Ground with a healthy 0.31 Goals Per Game ratio and portable transfer request hanging out of his back pocket.

At tottenham this ratio has increased slightly to 0.32 which is amazing considering the usual decimation of young talent over there (Jermain, meet Andy, Wayne, Calum, Sergiy) but Iscariot has still continued to fail dismally at international level.

His current record for England is a paltry 1 goal in 17 caps. Admittedly this includes a large number of substitute appearances, but games against Northern Ireland and Wales are still goalscoring manna, Shirley.

In fact his England career to this point very closely resembles those of Teddy Sheringham (2 in his first 17) and Ian Wright (1 in his first 15). Sheringham recovered quite well to end up with a respectable record but Wright never really coped with international football. All in all I've decided I don't really care what happens to Iscariot but while he's taking space up there it would be nice if he, you know, nicked one off Crouchy's toe every now and again. It's either that or Vassell, so all things considered.....Go Judas!

5. What Jamaica That?

In the last two England friendlies Peter Crouch has scored 5 goals. The only logical conclusion to be drawn from this is that we are not playing strong enough opposition.