Newcastle United 3 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

"Omnes relinquite spes, o vos intrapten"

- Dante Aligheri

Sure, Dante might have had a decent crack at describing hell, but he never watched West Ham lose at Newcastle. 

***

Where does one even start? What can I write about this game that hasn't already been spewed forth and vomited up on every West Ham forum already? How I can honestly detail my feelings about this performance without simply repeating things I have been saying for months? 

Worse still, I am at a loss as to how I can actually try and entertain people - which I do realise I am purporting to do in offering up my work here for public examination - when I haven't felt this disconsolate about the present and future of my club since Avram Grant was in charge. How do I give you anything approaching the unvarnished version of my opinion without encouraging those who already claim I hate this club that I follow everywhere and devote hours of my life to writing about?

I'm not asking for sympathy, by the way, but more openly questioning quite how many more times I can chastise the manager for his ineffectiveness and the board above him for their complacency in assuming that the problems at the club are happening in spite of them and not because of them, and still hope to retain a readership.

But what else is there to think when watching games like this? Here was a West Ham team apparently chosen by a fucking Magic 8 ball and playing with all the cohesiveness of The Beach Boys at a family dinner. 

I'll take Perez, you take Ritchie and you take Mitrov- fuck

This absurd start to the season is just another waypoint in the series of crises that the club lurch between on a constant basis. First the team has to play all their opening league games away from home, then the overpriced £10m January vanity signing is gone after 15 games as he bemoans never being played in his correct position, then the vaunted new £40m big name transfer breaks down, then the managers position is put under review and then it was Bank Holiday Monday so everyone took a day off because constant unceasing stupidity is tiring. 

This nonsense barely even registers any more. Remember the halcyon days of six weeks ago when we made a teenager the Managing Director of the West Ham Ladies team or when the chairman told everyone that no kids would ever break into our first team? Pfft, that shit is old, yo. In the Def Con 4, constant Code Red world of West Ham the sad fact is that this week is barely a ripple on the surface of the permanent shitstorm that engulfs the club. 

***

So, what of this match? A confession. I was driving through France as it was being played. At one point I was under the English Channel where, I regret to tell you, West Ham still cannot defend. 

The television highlights doubtless don't give up all the secrets of this game, although I rather fancy that nothing positive has been hidden from me. The same problems persist as have done for months. The team cannot defend, the personnel are changed like bandoliers in rapid fire M60 machine guns to no obvious effect, and if there is a plan to score it is apparently so secret that it has yet to be shared with any of the players. 

This was the day the music stopped, the lights came on and the full gory truth was dragged blinking into the harsh glare of reality. Newcastle are quite possibly the worst team in the division not named West Ham, and they beat us so easily that the man of the match was Ciaran Clark, a footballer that bad he was once let go by Aston Villa. Mocking the Toon is ludicrous of course, seeing as how they polished us off like Neil Ruddock with a Gregg's pasty, but I'm sure you'll allow me some gallows humour.

Every manager has a landmark game where it ends. Irrespective of how much longer he stays, this is the end for Bilic. The fans have turned and once that happens nothing will ever be the same. Where once he offered hope and forward progression from the interminable boredom of watching Allardyce's teams, these constant defensive capitulations have dulled the ardour of even his most fervent supporters. 

Whether it manifests itself immediately inside the ground is a different matter, but it's all simply a matter of time now. I would have fired him last season after the Arsenal away game, but he earned a stay of execution with the Spurs victory. That typically short sighted thinking from the Board has given us (yet) another lost pre season, transfer window and now seemingly another year of struggle. 

Simply put, there is nothing left to believe in. Belief has turned to equivocating and now to the sad, reluctant realisation that nothing is changing. And when you don't offer hope to fans of mid table teams, you offer them nothing at all. 

To pick an arbitrary point, in 2017 we have played 22 league games with the following record:

Played	22
Won	6
Drawn	5
Lost	11
Goals For	26
Goals Against	41
Points	23

Allardyce was fired for that sort of turgid, dire output and few were sad to see him go. The circumstances were different, of course, but the fact that our support have chosen to romanticise Bilic's association with us doesn't change the bare facts that his teams are awful and have been for a while. That Spurs victory isn't so much papering over the cracks as filling a hole the size of the Grand Canyon. 

Enough. So long Slav, and thanks for all the fish. 

***

But wait, I hear you cry. Are you seriously suggesting that we're going to struggle all season on the strength of three away games? Well, yes and no. I'm actually suggesting that on the back of our results going back a lot longer than that, but also simply on the strength of history. There have been 28 teams in the Premier League era to have started the season with three defeats. Here they are, with a big shout out to 2017/18 for providing three terrible teams:

Club	Season	For	Against	Goal Difference	Finished
Leicester	2001/02	0	10	-10	20
Wolves	2003/04	1	10	-9	20
Swindon	1993/94	1	9	-8	22
West Ham	2010/11	1	9	-8	20
West Ham	2017/18	2	10	-8	?
Middlesbrough	2001/02	0	7	-7	12
Southampton	1998/99	2	9	-7	17
Wimbledon	1996/97	0	6	-6	8
Aston Villa	1997/98	0	6	-6	7
Wigan	2005/06	0	6	-6	10
Crystal Palace	2017/18	0	6	-6	?
Leicester	1994/95	1	7	-6	21
Blackburn	2009/10	1	7	-6	10
West Brom	2002/03	3	9	-6	19
Bolton	2002/03	2	7	-5	17
Newcastle	1999/00	3	8	-5	11
Bolton	2007/08	3	8	-5	16
Portsmouth	2009/10	1	6	-5	20
Southampton	1993/94	1	5	-4	20
Southampton	1997/98	1	5	-4	12
Bournemouth	2017/18	1	5	-4	?
Sunderland	2005/06	2	6	-4	20
Bolton	2009/10	2	6	-4	14
Stoke	2010/11	2	6	-4	13
Blackburn	2011/12	2	6	-4	19
Southampton	2012/13	4	8	-4	14
Wimbledon	1992/93	2	5	-3	12
West Brom	2011/12	2	5	-3	10

Now the good news here is that we are a highest new entry in this particular table and have now provided two of the worst starting teams in the Premier League ever, gang. And they said we'd never amount to anything.

Another cracking Sullivan and Gold decision

We have actually begun this season worse than the Sunderland team of 2005/06 who were so bad that if they'd have sacrificed a member of 5ive for every game they won we'd still have two of the fuckers left alive today.

What this chart tells us is that if we stay up we'll be the first team to do so with a goal difference this bad this early in the season. On the other hand, none of those teams played all their games away from home so that needs to be factored in as well and realistically this is still a sample size too small from which to draw any meaningful conclusions.

As such, what the more optimistic of you may wish to note is that only 10 of the 25 teams shown here went down. It strikes me that we could very easily win our next two games and pull away to finish twelfth and you can look back at this column and laugh at my over reaction. 

What probably is true, however, is that those pre season dreams of our new super-duper-glacially-slow-but-it-don't-matter-cos-they-are-well-experienced team pushing up to challenge for a European place are already dead in the water. Only four of these teams finished in the top half, and none of them defended like they were drunk.

***

It's a difficult task to make sense of this team. Blown away and seemingly clueless at Old Trafford, they rallied superbly at Southampton when all seemed lost. Claims that Bilic had lost the dressing room seemed spurious as the team showed all the fortitude that had been missing the week before to come within a Zabaleta brain fade of stealing a point. I don't think there is much doubt that he's lost his UEFA Tactics Manual but I'm not sure Bilic has lost the support of his players. They seem to genuinely care, even if they don't seem to understand what it is he wants them to do. But then a week later, awful again.

What can't be denied is how our basic default position seems to be one of general cluelessness. Our problems begin in the back four where our centre backs are so slow that the only way we can really guarantee a defensive base is the 3-4-3 formation that allows us to flood the central area with bodies.

Against elite teams, however, that doesn't tend to work because they press high and without a top level ballplayer in either central defence or midfield we have no way out. Think back to those maulings at the hands of Manchester City for evidence.

The significant problem with the 3-4-3 however, is that Pablo Zabaleta can't play as a wing back anymore and Aaron Cresswell is a pale shadow of himself. I am beginning to wonder if he didn't actually die in that pre season game in Germany and what we're watching is just a reanimated version of him, brought back by the Night King to wander idly around on our left flank and possibly kill a wildling or two.

Any chance we can have Aaron back please?

Elsewhere, James Collins played well in midweek against a Cheltenham side who are literally the second worst team in English football and thus was immediately restored to the starting eleven at the behest of West Ham Twitter. I respect Collins, love his willingness to throw himself in front of anything for the cause, but also accept that at 34 years old he shouldn't be playing regularly in the Premier League. Check out his defending for goals two and three. He looks like a remote controlled car being operated by a two year old, going in weird directions for no obvious purpose.

The only reason you might have missed this was because you might have been asking yourself where Pablo Zabaleta was for these goals. The answer is fucking miles away. Maybe he was over next to Sam Byram giving him all this advice that I keep hearing so much about.

While the defence is largely shambolic, there is also a problem in front of them. Our defensive midfielders don't seem to have any clear idea of their roles and both Obiang and Noble have looked way off the pace so far. Best of them has been Declan Rice, making it even more of a shame when he was caught in possession here for the first goal. Weirdly, Lanzini did exactly the same thing for the second and didn't get anywhere near the same level of public opprobrium. In both examples, it should be pointed out that there were several subsequent phases of play before the ball ended up in the net. Our ability to transition back when we lose possession like that seems to be almost nil, not least because our only players with any pace are attacking players with no interest in defending.

Whilst Rice was unlucky, I don't buy into the notion that Bilic was wrong to remove him at half time. You don't keep professional footballers on the pitch to massage their egos or soften the blow of their errors. Rice is a young kid and will learn, but Bilic had a game to win. It may not have looked like it but he was attempting to get us back into the game and the idea that the manager who gives a young player his debut is hanging him out to dry by substituting him seems deeply flawed to me. I absolutely guarantee that Slaven Bilic rates Declan Rice more highly than you.

Ahead of them we rotate our endless cast of players with obvious physical skills and talent and no clear position. Ayew plays wide and then through the middle, Fernandes plays everywhere but in goal and manages to look good whilst not contributing anything and Michail Antonio rotates between playing wide and up front, with no obvious suggestion that these movements are related to anything being done by anyone else in claret and blue. Chicharito signed as a fearsome goal poacher and after three games I am reduced to wondering if our sole plan for getting him the ball is to concede endless amounts of goals so he can take kick offs.

It's a mess. A terrible, long gestating mess that cannot possibly be a surprise to anyone who has watched our slow decline over the last calendar year. Watching all of this only serves to reinforce the notion that the thrilling 2015/16 season owed more than a little to the defensive base left behind for Bilic by Allardyce, and the rest to the mercurial talents of Dimitri Payet. The Frenchman dropped in Bilic's lap, motivated, in glorious form and capable of dragging his team to hitherto unheralded levels amid the weakest Premier League ever.

As soon as those circumstances changed, the Croat proved incapable of moving with the times, incapable of recreating that brio and verve once the music stopped.

***

All of which leads to the inevitable question of "what next"?

If I had to guess, I would say there is an existential crisis in the West Ham boardroom right now. Gold and Sullivan have a hard earned reputation for sticking with their managers through thick and thin and even away defeats to teams who literally cannot score against anyone else.

But the ghost of Avram Grant haunts them like a clueless, inept Israeli ghoul. By retaining Grant for the entirety of the 2010/11 season they condemned us to relegation. They are terrified of making that mistake again, although apparently not terrified enough to delegate a bit more of the decision making process to people who actually know what they are doing.

It would suit them down to the ground if Rafa Benitez could have his inevitable falling out with Mike Ashley over this international break, enabling them to have him installed by the Huddersfield game. Sky reporter Peter Graves even offers up some interesting commentary on the possibility. If that doesn't happen, however, it starts to look a little hairier. We know that the Board don't have the knowledge or imagination to make a progressive appointment, and it strikes me as unlikely that progressive managers would be queuing up to manage a club still being run in the same way as it was in 1980.

How do you fancy advertising my film about the Krays, Rafa?

All of which leaves us at the mercy of a Pardew or Hodgson style stopgap, each fulfilling the seemingly obligatory requirement to be famous enough that fans have heard of them, but not successful enough to be in employment currently.

But let's lay it all on the line here. Bilic isn't a cause, he's a symptom. One has to look deeper to ask ourselves why we are constantly having these same dark nights of the soul every few years.

Two weeks ago, David Gold gave an interesting interview to Moore Than Just A Podcast where he talked openly about a wide range of subjects. It's an interesting listen, and you'll like him a bit more at the end of it, as always seems to be the case with Gold.

But there is one section where he talks about the club transfer policy that only lasts a few minutes and yet caused me to lose my shit about five times in the process. The transcription, from Claret and Hugh, is as follows:

“We all have our opinions, We all have our viewpoints and we make them clear but in the main I’ve worked with David Sullivan for 30 years, we are like an old married couple, he starts a sentence and I finish it or the other way round. We trust each other, he’s got his role and I’ve got my role. The club is very fortunate in having David Sullivan on board in the way he does, he is a workaholic, he takes responsibility and I am a great admirer of him.”

Asked whether the board sit down formally to discuss transfer business Gold replied:   “We have chats, it’s very informal, it mainly it comes from Slav. Slav will give us a list of the players he is looking for and he will give a list of first, second and sometimes a third choice then it is up David (Sullivan) to get agents onboard because it is agents in the main that drive this. If you look over this summer, you can see how well it works. It is a tried and trusted system, it has worked nearly ten years we have been at West Ham and of course it worked for twenty years at Birmingham so if it’s not broken don't fix it.”

Asked whether the board brings in players themselves he added: “It is usually a young player that we bring in and we say to Slav 'Look we are bringing this player in, it’s not affecting your budget, this is the boards decision, we fancy this player, he could be a complete flop or he could be a superstar, we don’t want this to impact on you, your requirements have been fulfilled, this is something we are doing'. Call it an indulgence of the owners but our first requirement is to fill Slaven’s requirements, his targets, that is our first priority.

“If you go back to last season I can’t think a signing that wasn’t Slaven’s approval or requirement, if its a first team, if he’s put in a list of what he wants, they’re the ones David Sullivan and the team go out an pursue, please don’t feel this is any other structure.”

Now I don't know about you, but whenever I'm in a pub discussion about the greatest transfer policy of all time, the conversation always comes to a dead stop whenever anyone brings up Birmingham City circa 2001. It's just a huge relief to know that the transfer policy which managed to get Jesper Gronkjaer and Richard Kingson to St Andrews is alive and well at West Ham.

What's even more absurd about this is that Sullivan and Gold know all too well that business practices need to change or become rapidly obsolete. Sullivan made his fortune in pornographic publishing. I can't think of two industries forced to change their models in recent times more than porn and publishing. And what of Gold's Ann Summers stores? Twenty years ago they made their money through parties and in store purchases. Now, they sell in vast quantities online. The world has changed. Uber is the largest taxi company in the world and doesn't own a single vehicle. Airbnb is the biggest provider of accommodation in the world and doesn't own a property anywhere.

Put simply, it's not good enough to do something because that's how it's always been done. Wake up David - they didn't treat you with leeches that last time you were in hospital.

***

Leaving aside the fact that the phrase "tried and tested" apparently has a new definition, there is so much else in here to get your teeth into. The first is the confirmation that Slaven Bilic provides the transfer targets.

That'll be the Slaven Bilic who trains and prepares the first team, analyses the opposition, does all the media duties of a Premier League manager and then sits down to inexplicably pick Michail Antonio at right back. That Slaven Bilic. It rather seems like he already has a full time job, but there he is heading up our scouting department too.

The same Slaven Bilic who had his hip replaced in the summer.

The same Slaven Bilic with a newborn baby and young family.

That Slaven Bilic.

So, to be clear, the guy with the single most time consuming and important job at the club is doing the job of player recruitment in his spare time. I wonder how many Eredivisie games he sees, or how many MLS players he's scouted in person, or how long he spent in Uruguay before deciding we desperately needed Jonathan Calleri?

No wonder he looks so tired

***

Consider this for a moment. Who do you think is in the room when West Ham decide to buy a player? I'm guessing David and Jack Sullivan (we all know it happens), David Gold, Slaven Bilic, Edin Terzic, Tony Henry, Rory Campbell and maybe a low level analyst or two.

When the team lose 3-0 to Newcastle, who of that group is most likely to lose his job? I would say that is indisputably Bilic. So why, therefore, would the employee with the least available time, the most responsibility and the least job security be entrusted with spending a £70m budget? And what happens in the incredibly likely scenario that we lose at home to Huddersfield and a new manager arrives and promptly says that the squad has huge holes and big money needs to be spent in January?

Managers shouldn't be identifying players, they should be identifying specific needs and Directors of Football should be meeting those needs with players. The problem is that our Director of Football offers no direction and doesn't understand football. This is how you end up spending £20m on Andre Ayew when you need a right back. This is how you end up with Joe Hart when you need a winger.

It is now clear that the price of Sullivan and Gold investing in us was that the former wanted to play at being a football guru. It's also pretty clear that he has none of the contacts nor the experience nor the simple understanding of sport to do this. Answer me this - have you ever seen any football team make transfers look so difficult as West Ham?

And so we drift along aimlessly, forever condemned to a cycle of ineptitude because the people making the decisions about that direction never change.

Sullivan is the wealthy ship owner who decides to help out the captain of the Titanic and promptly crashes straight into an iceberg. He then commandeers the life raft and smashes it straight back into the same iceberg. As he comes to the surface he sees some driftwood, hops on top and sails that straight back into the same bloody iceberg. After resurfacing yet again he turns to the captain and says "I don't think much of the steering on these things".

It is, I think, the hardest thing a person will ever have to do professionally to admit that they are not up to the task. It's why I think Kevin Keegan and Nasser Hussain are English sporting heroes for pushing their respective sides forward by accepting that they could no longer do it themselves.

Sullivan must be a West Ham hero now. Bilic must go, certainly, but we will be here again soon enough if the whole structure at West Ham doesn't change. The roiling incompetence and institutional lunacy begins at the top and after nearly a decade we deserve better. Progress is impossible in this structure. We need highly skilled professionals with cutting edge thinking and adaptive practices to stand even the smallest chance in this competitive environment. Instead we have a businessman determined to live out his dream of being a Football Manager vicariously, and every single one of us is paying the price for that hubris, and for the weakness of his fellow chairman in playing along.

I know you've heard this all before. I know this is the same old diatribe with a fresh lick of paint. I know this is a broken record. But in the end, that seems apt. Today, after all, was the day the music stopped. 

Newcastle United 2 - 2 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Never A Truer Word Was Spoken

"It ain't the disappointment that kills you, it's the hope" - John Cleese (Sort of)

I have often thought it was probably being a West Ham supporter that drove him to say that.

2. Adventures In Cyber Space

Last time I posted a review of a West Ham vs Newcastle match we received the greatest H List comment of all time. (Scroll down when you click the link, it's well worth it).

To the anonymous author, please get in touch and let us know your thoughts on this game. I'd be especially interested in your views on Steven Taylor's ongoing quest to prove himself the worst defender in Christendom. He seems to be doing awfully well.

3. The Statistics

The ESPN Gamecast tells a story all of it's own for this game. Newcastle mustered an impressive 24 attempts at goal, of which a significantly less impressive 3 were on target. And bear in mind, this was the side without Carlton Cole.

As for us, we had 15 efforts and 9 on target, most of which were of a pretty decent nature although we ran into the overly familiar sight of Shay Given doing an impersonation of a one man defence.

Possession was split 53%/47% in favour of the home side, although the game itself seemed to be more even than that. This latter point is probably skewed slightly by the fact that we tended to create the better chances, giving a false sense of superiority perhaps.

It is also probably worth mentioning that Craig Bellamy was caught offside 6 times in this game, which is 5 times more than the other 21 players combined. I'm not sure if this says more about Bellamy or the ineptness of the linesman who wrongly flagged him offside 3 times in the first ten minutes. It's frustrating though, because if only one had gone our way we could have been talking about a whole different outcome.

4. The Opposition

Is it still humane to mock Newcastle? How do you spend this much money and look this bad without being Jordan? Jeez, if it wasn't for the insufferable fans, the sycophantic media approach and Dennis Wise one could almost feel sorry for them.

In truth, this wasn't a bad performance by the Barcodes, and they did have a number of first team players absent. Of course, whether you consider the absence of Obafemi Martins and Shola Ameobi to be a negative is another matter altogether.

They were boosted by their lively young striker Andy Carroll, who decided that the occasion of his first team debut was the perfect time to unveil a corn row style haircut usually favoured by American rappers and, well, women. Now, I am not here to pass judgement, but Michael Owen stated "It was a shocker. I almost refused to play with him". And Michael would know, as he wouldn't be seen dead playing for Newcastle with a ridiculous haircut, or indeed a decent centre forward partner.

In the end, Owen notched his 12th goal in 14 appearances against us which now means that he has scored 20% of all his Newcastle goals against West Ham. I think I just threw up my femur.

Ultimately, Newcastle resemble nothing so closely as ourselves. A disastrous takeover, a misguided belief in the power of reckless spending, a weird infatuation with Kieron Dyer and a season of trepidation peering at the lower half of the table and the trapdoor below.

The spectre of the soon to be departing Owen and Given loom large over the club, and I still think they would be wise to employ some living, breathing defenders, but truthfully they are likely to stay up on the same grounds as us. There are three worse teams out there.

5. The Referee

It's always a bit of a crapshoot with refereeing performances, and Alan Wiley did not disappoint with a puzzling display. Crucially for us he denied Craig Bellamy a penalty for this challenge by Sebastien Bassong:


It certainly looks like a foul.

6. The Case For The Defence

Our back four continue to raise the pulse. Fittingly it was here, at the High Temple of Shit Defending, that Lucas Neill proceeded to score the best own goal of the season by slicing a left volley past a perplexed Robert Green. The goal was disallowed as a result of Steven Taylor having needlessly shoved Collins in the back immediately prior to Neill's brain aneurysm.

Elsewhere, Herita Ilunga created Cole's goal, and we were indebted to Matthew Upson for a brilliant last ditch tackle in added time to prevent Jonas Gutierrez from doing whatever Jonas Gutierrez does when he is 5 yards from goal.

I have to admit - my immediate thought as I watched this performance was not "We should really sell Calum Davenport".

7. Because Snoop Dogg Looks So Good...

"James Collins attempts to boot Andy Carroll in the head. Probably because of the haircut."

8. Striker Light?

Our recent resurgence can be linked to the improved form of Bellamy and Cole. The latter has hit the hitherto uncharted territory of 4 goals in 4 games, which doesn't exactly make him Gerd Muller, but it doesn't exactly make him David di Michele either.

Cole's goal was beautifully taken, which it needed to be with Given in such good form. Shortly before this, Given had pulled off a near miraculous save from Jack Collison, but he was groping thin air as Cole unusually swung his left foot without causing 30,000 West Ham fans to groan in despair.

Bellamy undertook a match long exercise in pissing off the opposition, which worked tremendously well. His goal was also nicely created and taken, leaving me with the horrible vision of him departing for Manchester City on January 29th and us replacing him with an unknown Italian from Brescia, and wondering at exactly what this would do to my fathers pulmonary artery.

There seems to be an inevitability about his departure that pervades all, but in truth if the club can get £15m and replace him with a viable Premier League striker then I could probably shrug my shoulders and get on with it. Someone like Kevin Doyle would presumably be affordable and capable, but there seems little point in postulating theories when the club haven't exactly got a glowing track record in this area anyway.

I'll confess to this though, although I think the club are doing a nice job of getting rid of fringe players, it should be noted that those same players had roles to play in the squad. I struggle with this notion that we are somehow better off in a footballing sense by having less options to choose from.

9. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Update

This is a solemn day. We may never get to see this section again, as Luis ties up a switch to Hull City which will apparently involve actual legal tender coming our way.

So farewell, Luis. I don't think anyone ever put in more effort to get less reward since that Greek fellow who spent his time pushing the rock up a hill.

On paper, Boa Morte should have been a decent signing, but £5m for him now looks like one of Curbishley's most expensive mistakes, which is really something from the man who paid £3m for Freddie Ljungberg.

So although I am sort of sad to see him go, I am also sort of willing to rev up my motor and drive him up there.

Oh, and he wore these in his last appearance for us...

Newcastle United vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 10/01/2009

1. January Sale

Firstly, a Happy New Year to you all.

Its that time when the excesses of Christmas are carried over into the New Year as people scour the markets for bargains and late additions to recently engorged troves, and football is no different.

This must also rank as one of the easiest periods for sports journalists who are able to link most any player with any club so long as their fantasies are prefixed by either ‘according to sources…’ or ‘Sky Sports understands…’

West Ham have featured prominently in such articles for a while now and for the wrong reasons. Rumours persist and will do right up ‘til 1st February (before tales of a summer exodus emerge), but they may have been allayed a little by the recent sale of Matty Etherington to Stoke and the proposed move of Calum Davenport to Bolton.

Lee Bowyer has been seen at Birmingham City who are attempting to buy him for the second time after their first approach was shouted down by principled Blues fans - they initially voiced their disapproval of Bowyer’s character, just before they embraced Jermaine Pennant’s arrival fresh from prison, complete with electronic ankle tag.

There’s even talk of Luis Boa Morte upping sticks and heading for Hull, a town with more than one Barratts and a couple of Freeman Hardy Willis, so LBM will certainly need to up his dosage of mind-bending drugs in order to satisfy his accurately chronicled alarming taste in footwear.

These are obviously moves to cut the wage bill whilst getting some funds in without having to sell any of what the press have chosen to term our ‘aces’ – Bellamy, Upson, Parker, Green or Ashton.

After the capture of left-back Wayne Bridge, Mark Hughes has admitted recently employing his substantial kitty with an offer for Bellamy and Parker:

"We made initial enquiries about Parker and Bellamy, made a double bid, but that was rejected. We haven't gone back to the table on that one but we may well do”.

More peripheral players may follow Etherington out the door and like many of us, post-Yuletide binge, the squad would benefit from a leaner look.

Captain Lucas Neill decided to take in an AC Milan training session in Dubai whilst recovering from injury, which lead to a few indolent hacks linking him with a move to the Rossoneri. That Lucas Neill could be considered a full-back replacement for the imperious Paolo Maldini or the tireless Cafu is as laughable as a Jermaine Defoe loyalty bonus.

2. Opposition

Saturday afternoon provides us with a trip to Newcastle and a not inconceivable opportunity to record our third successive Premiership win.

The previously laughed at but partially validated installation of Joe Kinnear as caretaker manager has soothed the post-Keegan maelstrom. The eminently likeable Kinnear has added 18 points to the meagre tally of 4 that Newcastle had accrued by the time he took charge in early October and has also given us the greatest press conference of all time.

After a brief period of revival, Newcastle have reverted to type in recent weeks and found themselves on the wrong end of a few defeats. Having established some momentum following victories away to Portsmouth and at home to tottenham, they then conspired to lose to Wigan and be on the wrong end of a thumping from the League leaders.

They have themselves been the subject of unwanted transfer rumour with a few of their top names being linked with moves away from St James’s.

Michael Owen has quelled speculation of a move before the summer until inevitably leaving on a free for a massive signing on fee while peroxide waste of potential Alan Smith has also been linked with a few teams wishing to add some steel to their side and yellow cards to their disciplinary record.

The most damaging aspect of the transfer window from Newcastle’s perspective has been Shay Given’s declaration (or rather that of his lawyer) that he wants to move on after 11 years service.

Given has arguably won more points for Newcastle than the any other player bar Alan Shearer during his time with club and their questionable defence would be all the more porous without Given between the sticks. If they lose him before February, they could be in trouble.

Currently, the opposition treatment room is doing a great impression of ours last year. Obafemi Martins has a hernia, Shola Ameobi ankle trouble, Mark Viduka a groin injury, Alan Smith an ankle problem and Joey Barton an attitude problem. Nicky Butt also serves a suspension this weekend.

3. Roll Up, Roll Up

After a dearth of serious interest, Newcastle supremo Mike Ashley has recently taken the club off the market amid a notable lack of protest from the Geordie faithful.

Ashley’s move is emblematic of the difficulty many clubs face in finding potential buyers. Portsmouth have publicly stated they are for sale, Everton Chairman Bill Kenwright has made no secret of his openness to offers and our own situation is as confidential as every single facet of Jordan’s OK Magazine!-funded life.

A few short years ago the uber-rich were queuing up to get their gold-plated hands on a Premiership outfit, but no more. Our own position is marked by a significant time-constraint as Chairman Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson’s holding company Hansa is due in court on 6th March to satisfy creditors or risk insolvency.

Should Hansa be declared insolvent, West Ham risk a 9-point deduction from the Premier League and potential consignment to the Championship, followed by freefall a’la Leeds United.

4. History

Last season’s corresponding fixture saw us go down 3-1, a flattering if unsurprising scoreline for Newcastle given our Curbsite sense of adventure at the time.

We had the tactical discipline to concede after two minutes and to relinquish Dean Ashton’s volleyed equaliser 10 minutes after it hit the back of the net. Viduka ended the day with a brace and to add insult to injury, we allowed a man with such a name as Charles N’Zogbia to claim a third.

At the time this was Allardyce vs Curbishley, the tactical equivalent of narcolepsy. Tomorrow’s strategic architects stand a much better chance of providing us a shot in the arm.

In our Premiership history, we are on the losing side overall having won 8 drawn 8 and lost 12. You will have to cast your mind back to 1998 for our last win at St James’s Park (3-0, Wright (2) and Sinclair) and Newcastle have won four of the subsequent seven meetings.

5. Groundhog Day

Another year, another inquiry into Tevezgate.

Now I’m no Perry Mason (bar my post-Christmas girth), but I can see no sense when adherence with an initial ruling, a successful rebuttal of two appeals to the Premier League followed by a further successful defence in the highest court in the land all stand for nothing when faced with a shadily assembled kangaroo court, trial by media and the stubborn refusal of a plaintiff to acknowledge their own obvious shortcomings.

The crux of this latest attempt to decry our club is that all initial rulings went through the Premier League whereas Sheffield United found a sympathetic ear with the FA. Both bodies will now get together to decide whether we having committed the greatest atrocity of the 21st century or whether Sheffield United’s indisputable incompetence can not possibly be negated by a single man.

Even Barrymore wasn’t hounded like this and he battered a man to death with a dildo. (Of course he didn’t, the man simply drowned in suspicious circumstances in Barrymore’s pool whilst chock-full of alcohol, cocaine and ecstasy, having suffered “serious anal injuries”. There was no question of impropriety on the part of the popular entertainer.)

6. Indian Summer

Something strange has happened to us recently in that we have all managed to witness a string of three consecutive victories without delving into Luis Boa Morte’s big bag of hallucinogens.

Our recent spurt of momentum has the opportunity to become a full-blown winning run in light of our next three fixtures: Newcastle (a), Fulham (h), and Hull City (h).

These are of course exactly the kinds of matches we will lose, but on the off chance we manage to take five points or more, this period could prove the critical part of our season.

Following that, its Arsenal at The Emirates and Man United at Upton Park – four points minimum there, particularly if I learn from my mistakes and manage to do a better job on Ronaldo’s brake fluid.

West Ham 3 - 1 Newcastle United (And Other Ramblings)

1. A Good Walk Spoiled

Not that I would ever consider golf to be a sport, but I quite enjoyed replacing my weekly boo with Boo Weekley for a while this weekend.

That said, I'd like the chance to boo Boo Weekley weekly. What a tool.

2. Forza Hammers!

Who knew? There we all were, wondering how "our" West Ham under Pardew had been so turgidly deconstructed and replaced by Alan Curbishley's wonderful world of tedium. And yet, just a week into the job, Gianfranco Zola has us playing one touch football, has released the full backs, transformed Carlton Cole into Alan Shearer and still preserved our constitutional requirement to concede poxy late goals.

Before we go all US Ryder Cup fan on the back of one result, it is worth tempering our joy somewhat. Let us not forget that beating Newcastle United is a feat that could reasonably be expected of just about any collection of 11 adults in the western world.

3. The Statistics

Interestingly, for a game that felt like a comprehensive victory, the numbers are surprisingly even. Both sides mustered 17 shots with just 5 on target, and with possession split evenly at 50% each. The visitors actually forced 10 corners to our 2, although this might be taken as a positive for us given that it suggests we have finally done a better job of stopping crosses coming in from the wings - a problem that has plagued us in recent matches.

Digging a little deeper, however, the ESPN gamecast shows that at least 8 of those Newcastle attempts were from outside the box, and 9 of them came after we scored our 3rd goal. So in short - too little too late.

Elsewhere, Michael Owen scored his 54th goal against us in 12 career performances(*), despite Lucas Neill's heroic attempt to prevent this by eating him.

(*) This statistic may or may not be true. I'll say this though, he has never had any trouble scoring against us.

4. The Opposition

Let us not beat around this bush people, Newcastle were, are and remain absolutely dire. If you thought we had the market cornered on abject defending then you had all forgotten about the unique ability of Steven Taylor to look suspiciously like a large potted plant when faced with real life Premiership strikers.

From the outset of this match the visitors seemed totally flummoxed by the deployment of three forwards, and spent much of the first half looking stunned at the presence of Matthew Etherington more than 10 yards from the wing.

Their curious decision to play Michael Owen as a second striker didn't seem like a sensible use of their only major talent, but I won't complain as it removed the only goalscoring threat 40 yards from our goal.

Of course, by the time this game came around, Newcastle were in disarray with all of the shenanigans off the pitch, and the departure of their beloved Messiah, Kevin Keegan. And boy did it show.

(It should be noted that lots of other football fans would like to see Keegan stay in charge at St James's Park, but perhaps for slightly different reasons than the (Car)Toon Army.)

Help is at hand, however, in the brilliantly left field emergence of a a group of Nigerian millionaires. These chaps have approached Mike Ashley with a view to buying him out at a price of approximately £400m. They have emailed Ashley and as soon as he sends back details of his bank account the money will be transferred.

Good times are ahead.

P.S: Nicky Butt is made entirely of balsa wood.

5. The Referee

Surprisingly for a game that saw one side playing a quickly paced passing game, and the other drowning in a sea of frustration, there were only two bookings. Lucas Neill and Steven Taylor went in the book for hefty challenges on Owen and Cole respectively.

Newcastle fans might wonder exactly why the latter didn't happen a whole lot earlier in the piece.

Phil Dowd saw fit not to book Luis Boa Morte for either of his two late misses. This vexes me.

6. Right Back Atcha

Gianfranco Zola's first action as our manager was to shift Neill into the middle of defence, accomplishing the previously impossible feat of making our central pairing slower, and introducing Julien Faubert at right back.

Ordinarily the prospect of Faubert being our last line of defence would make me queasy, but against a team with no actual attacking threat then I guess it's a logical enough move. In fact, there is something to be said for having your best crosser of the ball in a position where he can take advantage of that skill. Unlike say, as our winger, where up until this point he will have simply developed a crick in his neck.

It should be noted here that he was in direct opposition to Damien Duff, a man who was a good player once upon a time. Then he moved to Newcastle.

So what I'm saying then is that I can cope with this line up against crappy teams, but if I see that back four against Arsenal I am liable to have an aneurysm.

7. Kudos

It's quite hard to simply pick one player from a team who were collectively so good. In spite of eye catching turns from Parker, Noble and Neill, however, I would have to pick out Carlton Cole as the man around whom this was all built.

I don't know if he was energised by the presence of familiar faces from his past, or simply the Christmas present that is the ongoing Laurel and Hardy homage currently masquerading as Newcastle's back 4, but the man was inspired. Indeed his turn and pass to set up our third goal as the best piece of forward play I have seen from a West Ham striker for quite some time, even allowing for the arboreal nature of Steven Taylor's defending.

Elsewhere, new boys Herita Illunga and David di Michele showed plenty of promise, although they also displayed enough foibles to suggest that they will spend quite a lot of this season in the drawer marked "maddening".

There they will find long term occupant Matthew Etherington who managed to pick himself up from last weeks minor £800k gambling debt and popped up with our third goal. He also availed himself of Zola's newly installed maze of underground tunnels to turn up in locales as exotic as our right wing, and at one point I swear I even saw him in our half.

Whilst we're on the subject, Etherington's goal was set up by either: a) the best pass seen at West Ham since Di Canio or b) the worst shot seen at West Ham since erm... Boa Morte. I personally don't care, but it's been a subject of great debate on t'web.

Scott Parker showed me enough to suggest that we shouldn't sell off his body parts for cash just yet.

8. I Am Ready

.....for Craig Bellamy to be resurrected.

9. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Report

This feature has been missing for a while now, primarily because Boa Morte hasn't featured much recently - a fact applauded by my stomach lining.

Here, however, he made an unforgettable cameo here as he contributed two of the most egregious misses seen at Upton Park since his last one.

The first of these featured a technique for striking a football not seen since Diana Ross lit up the USA '94 opening ceremony (http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=WXjCKwBtG0I).

The second was one of those curious moments where all else seemed to stand still as Boa Morte raced through on Given's goal, filled out his tax return, fired off a couple of memo's to the Labour Party conference, changed his pants before calmly placing the ball 5 feet wide of the goal.

Only then did I realise that instead of normal football boots, Boa Morte was instead wearing cricket pads and spikes. Ho-hum, at least he isn't owned by a third party.

10. Watford

Welcome, Gianfranco. You're a true West Ham manager now.

I can say no more on this topic. We've got our West Ham back.

11. Sheffield United

Another subject upon which I cannot speak - primarily as it tends to leave me foaming at the mouth, apoplectic with rage.

For a reasonably balanced view try reading Mick Dennis of, God help us, the Daily Express ("The Best Newspaper in the World" - seriously?) at http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/62970/Football-loses-in-sorry-saga.

For a less balanced but at least not avidly pro Sheffield piece, try Martin Samuels of The Times at http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/columnists/martin_samuel/article4812559.ece.

For a chance to send your blood pressure through the roof, read Henry Winter of The Telegraph at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/leagues/premierleague/3069183/A-star-performer-like-Carlos-Tevez-made-all-the-difference-to-West-Ham---Football.html

Incredibly, Winter was called as an "expert" witness at the arbitration, where he testified that Tevez was a significant part of our survival and agreed that this value could be quantified as a distinct number of Premier League points (which coincidentally happens to be 3 - enough to keep Sheffield United safe). Brilliantly, the crux of the above article is that Tevez was a one man band during our 1-0 win at Man Utd on the last day of the season, heroically forgetting that a draw would have kept us up anyway, and that Winter himself gave Rob Green his man of the match award.

Quite how any panel can claim to be able to accurately forecast games is beyond me, and shame on The Telegraph for printing this bilge, and even more shame on Winter for jumping into bed with men of avarice who would make our national game a John Grisham sub plot.

My disgust knows no bounds for these people., and I include Duxbury and Joorabchian in that statement. But the day that nonsense like this is allowed to pass is the day that British football dies. To Lausanne, good people.......

West Ham United vs Newcastle United: Match Preview - 20/09/2008

1. Northern Exposure

Over the last 18 months or so, only Newcastle United can match West Ham for the sheer volume of negative press cuttings written about them. However, there is a distinction: whereas we were unjustly rebuked for commendably giving two young, disadvantaged Argentinean street urchins the chance of a better life, Newcastle have allowed their deluded self-regard to get them into all sorts of trouble.

Current owner Mike Ashley’s recent announcement that he is willing to sell up is just the latest episode in a long litany of disruptive happenings on Tyneside. The rational and even-handed Toon Army only had a few minor differences with Ashley: that he was from London, that he was unwilling to sacrifice his entire self-made fortune in pursuit of a mirage and that he was neither Kevin Keegan nor Alan Shearer.

Since the turn of the century, Newcastle have conducted themselves with all the composure of an epileptic break-dancer stuck at a set of traffic lights, their all-too-public dealings sufficiently farcical to make even ourselves look as if we’re run by a bunch of fiscally prudent Mormons.

As things currently stand, Newcastle are once again trying to find themselves both a manager and a buyer and can have no real qualms if they experience trouble acquiring either. Without any help, this well supported and largest football outpost of the North East has become the poisoned chalice of the domestic game.

2. Who Lives In A House Like This?

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? Manhattan’s Lower East Side? By the beach in the Maldives? Among the untamed jungles of South America, perhaps?

For me, there’s only one place – inside Kevin Keegan’s head.

From what I gather, the interior of Keegan’s cranium constitutes a fantastical world of flight and whimsy, the breeding ground and nursery of the most unrealistic scenarios imaginable, a place where the most outlandish requests soar across marmalade skies.

Before the most recent of his many departures, King Kev thought it wholly reasonable to demand that his paymasters fork out whatever cash necessary to buy Frank Lampard, Thierry Henry and David Beckham.

Amazing. You’ve got to admire his resolute belief in the utterly illusionary, if not his tactical shortcomings or questionable coiffeur history.

Now just because you want something really badly, it doesn’t mean that (a) you’ll get it and more importantly (b) you’re entitled to it. The sooner that Newcastle United and all their followers realise this, the sooner they’ll come to terms with the fact that they’re nothing more than an average Premiership outfit and not in fact destined to frequent the upper regions of the league with which they flirted so briefly in the mid-90’s.

A case in point - “I would love it, love it” if I were an integral member of CHiPs, but I’m more contented having slowly begun to realise that the chances of this are now only hovering at around 40%.

3. Little Big Man

I struggled to aptly incorporate the word ‘Zola’ in the title for this section, having spurned Ms. Beluga’s valiant suggestion of ‘Let’s Not All Get Extinct Like The Zola Bears’, (firstly ‘Zola (read ‘Polar’) Bears’ are alive and well and secondly, there’s no suggestion that Upton Park will this weekend be the scene of a genocide, unless Lucas Neill has missed lunch).

Anyway, Saturday sees new manager Gianfranco Zola’s first proper game in charge having taken the reins on Monday after seeing his new charges throw away a goal advantage at West Brom.

In past previews it has been possible to have a fair inkling as to the approaching game’s formation, personnel and tactics (4-5-1 at home, Scott Parker x11 and guarded restraint). This Saturday is a more complex affair for obvious reasons.

Zola has highlighted general fitness levels as his main area of concern, having witnessed his side fade in the final 20-minutes at The Hawthorns. It is strange that something so immediately apparent to Zola went largely unnoticed by Curbishley. Curbs no doubt felt the spotlight of Neill’s voracious eyes burning into his back many times, unwilling to deny the big Aussie that fifth pie.

One would assume that the starting XI would remain largely the same, albeit minus Dean Ashton who is predictably out for a few weeks having turned on his ankle whilst bending down to pick up some shortbread.

His absence and that of eternal truant Craig Bellamy underlines the fragility of our main attacking options. For all his endeavour, Carlton Cole isn’t going to get us 20-goals a season.

Formation will surely be the standard 4-4-2 affair and one would expect that, in his first game at home, Zola will be intent on attack from the outset. Steve Clarke’s recent arrival as first team coach also gives hope that our defenders have not spent this week getting carried away with the new manager’s ethos by practicing volleys.

We are currently the proud/baffled guardians of the only 100% home record in the league, although this dubious accolade masks the reality that we are yet to keep a clean sheet at home since last season’s last minute 1-0 win over Liverpool - a stretch of seventeen games.

In the absence of George McCartney and Anton Ferdinand, it will be interesting to see what the back four line-up is and whether the promising James Tomkins can force away in to form a potentially sturdy centreback pairing of himself and Matthew Upson.

Another question mark is whether Herita Ilunga or Wally Lopez will get a regular spot thanks to the advantage of being genuine attacking full-backs in comparison to Valon Behrami (more of a midfielder cast adrift) and Lucas Neill (not really movable).

One hopes that Gianfranco has a few surprises up his sleeve, be it tactically or in terms of team selection, if only to keep the players on their toes, but I think it will also send the right message to the fans that this truly is the start of something new.

Lastly, what with the recent managerial goings on at both clubs, I would like to think that this fixture will feature prominently on Match Of The Day in a change to our traditional post-midnight slot.

4. Sponsor-litis

The tea ladies at Chadwell Heath have been rushed off their feet this week, frantically sewing on patches of ever so slightly off-colour ‘claret’ material onto first team shirts in order to cover the recently defunct XL logo.

The sale of replica kits on the club website has been suspended and it remains to be seen whether they will return only with the announcement of a new sponsorship deal or logo-free.

Some think it would be a bit cheeky to sell the kit anew now that many of us have forked out £40 or more on the sponsored version, but I think more than a few would be interested in buying the increasingly rare sight of an untainted football shirt.

I’d probably get another one myself were they to be reissued unsoiled by ‘Poundstretcher’, ‘Tangy Toms’ or my bet, ‘Lehman Brothers’.

Addendum: since this segment was written, an online petition has sprung up asking for people to sign an appeal in support of The Bobby Moore Fund cancer charity becoming this season’s official sponsor in light of XL’s demise - in much the same way as Barcelona are sponsored by UNICEF. I would urge all those who have not already done so to click on the link blow and add their name to this worthy cause:

http://www.petitiononline.com/RFCMOORE/petition.html

5. The Opposition

It doesn’t really matter what team Newcastle field this weekend as none of them must know what they’re doing at the moment.

Newcastle traditionally have a shambolic defence coupled with an adventurous attack and our similar qualities produced an entertaining 2-2 draw in the same fixture last season. Unsurprisingly, we squandered a two-goal lead.

We haven’t managed to beat Newcastle since a 3-0 win in September of 2001, having drawn four and lost five of our last nine encounters. Everyone knows that Shay Given is a consistently fine ‘keeper, but come on, this is Newcastle.

Michael Owen is always a threat, although less so nowadays and particularly when played in the hole behind the strikers as he has been of late, which negates his favoured goal-poaching tactic.

Formerly one of world football’s most effective attacking threats, Owen has been so injury-ravaged that he deserves a place in our treatment room. It appears that over the last five or so years, his bottom half has metamorphosed from lightening quick, pin-sharp striker to flaccid sea kelp.

For the last couple of seasons, Obafemi Martins has been Newcastle’s most potent attacking threat, but thankfully he is out injured and a doubt for tomorrow.

Joey Barton should be in prison.

6. Speaking of Convicted Criminals

Well look who it is.

Never one to miss an opportunity to stick the knife in, the odious Dave Whelan has piped up again this week to give us his opinion on the current Newcastle fiasco. According to the repellent little man, Mike Ashley is getting all he "deserves" for not being "100% Geordie”.

Despite my belief that Ashley has done little wrong bar try and prudently stabilise a club that was on the financial precipice prior to his investment, even if you were the most ardent Geordie who believes his conduct has been shocking, the last thing anyone wants is to hear it from Whelan.

I don’t mind Newcastle as they are largely irrelevant, but what I can’t abide is the regular assertion that they are somehow better supported than nearly any other club or, as Whelan puts it, "a different kettle of fish to most in the land".

Different in terms of wildly unrealistic expectations most definitely, different in terms of being an actual football club as opposed to say, Wigan, sure - but to insinuate that they would rally to the banner more than a Liverpool, Rangers, West Ham, Everton, Celtic or Manchester City is one of the greatest myths of the modern age.

(Yes, I’ve gone off message a little, but regular readers will be aware of my fondness for a Wigan-directed rant. Bare with me, the next part is staggering.)

It appears even I have underestimated both the cataclysmic effect and range of Steve Bruce’s Angular Hooter TM, although Dave Whelan’s regular proximity to his craggy-faced manager can not be discounted.

Brace yourselves:

"Sooner or later one of the Big Four clubs will come for Steve, I realise that and I think the whole country realises he is one of the best four managers in the world."

WHAT?!

In the world?! The world??

Had he said ‘one of the best four managers in the country', we all would’ve fallen about laughing.

Even 'one of the top ten managers in Lancashire' would’ve raised an eyebrow.

Only‘one of the best four managers in the Wigan area with the ability to refract light with his chaotic snout' would’ve caused us all to say 'he's got a point'.

Newcastle United 3 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Department Of The Obvious

I don't know about you, but I think our title challenge is over.

2. A Rant

On one hand it is incredibly churlish to get upset at losing to Newcastle. We never win there, in fact not that many people ever win there, and we've all still got our health.

But, Sweet Jesus, but, how did we not do better than this? Let's just take a look at the opposition: their best goalkeeper (Given) is inexplicably on the bench, their best defender is non-existent, their best midfielder (Barton) is injured and their best striker (Owen) has hamstrings made of chinese noodles. These aren't exactly the most fearsome foes around.

Now I'm not suggesting for a minute that we deserved to win this game, but I am saying that performances like this are exactly why West Ham will not be breaking into the upper echelons of English football any time soon. Here was a team ripe for the taking and we simply didn't have the ability to put them away.

Maybe it's the players, maybe it's the manager, maybe it's the juxtaposition of Mars and Venus but I'd have to guess that it is something more intangible than that.

Whatever it is, at some point, if we are to progress as a club then not losing games like this would be a fine place to start.

3. The Statistics

On the face of it, losing this game 3-1 would seem to be an impossibility. Newcastle managed 4 shots on target and scored with three of them. This is either good finishing or appalling defending, and considering that each goal was scored from within our 6 yard box I'd have to argue that it was the latter.

On the attacking front we mustered 15 shots to the home sides 12, of which 8 were on goal. For an away side that's actually a pretty decent showing, but yet another frustrating example of how our own shortcomings contributed to the defeat.

Despite all of that we only had the ball for 43% of the time, and truthfully didn't look all that flash while we did. Hey, it happens, we go away from home and don't play all that well. I can deal with that, but seriously - allowing Charles N'Zogbia to score? That's just silly. Stop it.

4. The Opposition

Say what you like about the Geordies but they know how to punish abysmal defending. Incredibly we actually fashioned a chance of sorts for Lee Bowyer in the 90 seconds before we conceded, but sadly, Lucas Neill decided that 1 minute into the game was the perfect time for him to embark on a pitch long mazy dribble past the entire Newcastle team. Tragically, if unsurprisingly, he got about 5 feet, was dispossessed, and from the resulting cross Mark Viduka nipped in front of Ferdinand for the opener.

Quite what that sa -

Interruption (*)

Hang on, back up a minute "Mark Viduka nipped in front of Ferdinand"? I'm afraid that Mark Viduka does not "nip" anywhere. Yes, he may well waddle or trundle or maybe even coagulate, but he sure as hell doesn't nip anywhere.

Being outmanoeuvred by him is proof that you pretty much have less mobility than an inanimate object. Nice going Anton.

(*) This interruption was brought to you by The Grammar Police

4. The Opposition (cont)

So anyway. They don't look any different than before. Michael Owen puts a nice full stop on things but he's not much help if he's dead.

Alan Smith is a curious mix of carbon dioxide, water, anger and Ryvita's.

5. The Referee

I have yet to see a game refereed by Mike Riley that didn't leave me puzzled. I have no idea what Riley sees when he's out there but it sure as hell isn't the same as me. In general there weren't very many controversial moments in this one but he did annoy me by allowing Nicky Butt to maul Mark Noble and then awarding the free kick to Newcastle.

Note to Mike Riley: Shoving people in the face is not allowed. Even for ex-Manchester United players.

And while we're on that topic, I would have liked to have seen Alan Smith booked for his late attempted 35 yard strike on goal. I mean, I'm all for guys trying to better themselves but come on - you're Alan Smith! Some self awareness, please.

6. Important Note

Does anyone know if Newcastle always come out for the second half to "Just When You're Thinkin' Things Over" by The Charlatans?

They have excellent taste if they do is all I'm saying.

7. Cole Patrol

Carlton Cole took it in the neck again. I can't deny that I'm finding all of this a little surprising. Sure, Cole is rather more lumbering donkey than thoroughbred and his Chelsea history doesn't help him a great deal (the Aston Villa bit offends me more, but I'm mercurial), but he is our player none the less.

More than that even, he has now directly assisted for 4 goals this year. Given that we have only scored 9 league goals, I'm thinking that this would make him a relatively vital part of the team at present.

I'm on record (Do you like that? Yes, there's a record, and by Jove I'm on it) as saying that booing isn't really my cup of tea but I accept that others feel differently. I'm just not sold on this particular hate figure.

OK, yes, there are gaping holes in his skill set, but he's our 5th choice striker - how much do you really expect from the guy?

It's either him or Luis Boa Morte. Ahem.

8. Great Strike

Kudos to Dean Ashton for a marvellously well taken goal. Can I whisper that it was a nice flick on by Carlton Cole? No.

Okey doke.

9. Not So Great Strike

Just how well did Viduka strike his second goal? After three television replays it was still unclear as to which foot Viduka had used to score. Indeed this might very well be the first recorded instance of a man scoring whilst kneeling down to pray.

10. What's Upson?

Here's a little conversation I had with myself on Sunday:

HeadHammerShark: "Alright Shark, you're looking well, been working out?"
HeadHammerShark: "Nope"
HeadHammerShark: "Excellent, what do you think of Matthew Upson then?"
HeadHammerShark: "Well, I like the general concept of Matthew Upson, but I struggle somewhat with the actual product"
HeadHammerShark: "Really? How so?"
HeadHammerShark: "He's big and strong, has nice hair and an impressive beard. What's not to like on the surface of things? But then you dig deeper and you realise that there is no pace, poor distribution and I just begin to wonder what he has that James Collins doesn't"
HeadHammerShark: "God, you're a clever bloke, I'd never thought of it like that"
HeadHammerShark: "And modest"
HeadHammerShark: "Yeah, OK, and modest"
HeadHammerShark: "And handsome"
Mrs Shark: (suspiciously) "Who are you talking to?"

I do have to ask the question - why was Ferdinand (small, pace of a cougar) marking Viduka (burly, pace of Ry Cooder)? And conversely why was Owen (small, pace of a cougar) being marked by Upson (burly, pace of a dead Ry Cooder)?

This combination could not be classified as a success after all.

10,000!

Some of you may have noticed that just before the preview for this game went out, the site received it's 10,000th hit. Leaving out visits from my family and friends, this means that there are at least 12 other loyal readers out there somewhere.

Using the scarily intrusive power of the Internet I have been able to determine that the said visitor logged on using Comcast Cable and lives somewhere in middle America. They didn't arrive via a Google search so they might actually have the site bookmarked. Whoever you are, I salute and thank you. If you'd like to introduce yourself please leave a comment telling us your name, how long you've been with the firm and perhaps one amusing thing that the rest of us wouldn't know about you.

Most websites would offer a monetary reward, but I have none. If you would like me to mock a Premier League player for you, that could be arranged, however.

(Clue: Michael Dawson always goes down well on that front.............)

Newcastle United vs West Ham: 23rd September 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)

1. They're Dead Passionate, Like

A trip to the land of the barcode then. In what has been a fairly gentle start to the season, this is perhaps the first true test of the new, improved West Ham particularly as it is away from home where we have looked our most impressive.

Of course, the prospect of facing any team managed by Sam Allardyce is usually as enticing as getting Polio, but for some reason it doesn't seem quite so bad this time round, what with us being Not Rubbish on our travels, for a change.

Still, the cauldron that is St James's Park, home of "The most passionate fans in the world" (Copyright: Any Lazy Journalist), is a different kettle of fish to Birmingham and Reading (Except in 1990/91 when their average gate was 16,835 - but that was before Euro 96 so it doesn't count because football hadn't been invented then).

2. The History

Our short term history on the Tyne isn't so appalling as one might expect. Last year saw us take a deserved early 2-0 lead before a combination of egregiously inept finishing and a Uriah Rennie lobotomy saw us blow it and gain only a point.

That said, we haven't won there since 1998 when Ian Wright inspired a 3-0 victory and Stuart Pearce was sent off for garroting Trevor Sinclair. It really doesn't feel like it, but we don't beat Newcastle very often.

3. The Opposition

Up until we bought all of their players I would have said that Newcastle were the very definition of a club that was less than the sum of their parts. Quite how you can spend the GDP of Zambia on a football team and still be this consistently bad is beyond me.

Now that we have all of the players who made them so useless, I imagine that we too can look forward to the stultification of all our hopes and dreams. Marvellous.

Between them Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Albert Luque cost around £35m and have so far made a combined 56 League starts between them. The former two are still at the club and very well might go on to score bucketloads I suppose, but it does highlight the Geordie propensity to take good players and turn them into crustaceans.

New arrivals this year include Alan Smith, about whom nothing good has ever been said.

4. I Wonder About The Boy Wonder

I usually pay about as much attention to other teams transfer dealings as I do to Hansard, but I must confessed to being hugely disappointed when Michael Owen joined Newcastle.

Firstly, I hate to see English players conceding defeat when trying to make it overseas, but perhaps even worse was the apparent decision he made to turn his back on a fight to win a place at Madrid in exchange for the constant mediocrity, but far heftier pay packet at Newcastle.

I don't know why we have a tendency to imbue footballers with a sense of altruism that we ourselves don't possess, but it certainly doesn't seem like there can be a lot of difference between £80,000 and £100,000 a week, where as there would seem to be a hell of a difference between English mid table tedium and Spanish aristocracy.

I guess I'm just saying that the guy used to win European Player of the Year awards, and now he's exchanging passes with Shola Ameobi.

It's a hard knock life.

5. An Addendum

Another reason to dislike the return of Owen is that he has scored 10 goals in 10 games against us. That's like, an average of one a game (You're probably wondering, yes I am an accountant).

My suggested method of dealing with this is poisoning.

6. The Need For Speed

Last week saw the truly glacial pairing of James Collins and Matthew Upson at the heart of our defence. Now that kind of thing might work against Middlesbrough when they are playing two yukka trees up front, but Owen and Martins will surely burst right through that particular wall of resistance.

As unfortunate as Collins was to lose his place after a stellar end of season run of form, he would seem the more likely to make way. I can't say that I have seen anything about Upson to suggest that he is the better of the two but Curbishley clearly does, so one would expect the Welshman to step aside for the returning Ferdinand.

Lucas Neill has no speed at all. It won't matter.

7. Medical Matters

Don't worry about the large trail of bandages around our training ground, as our crack medical team are on the case. Even as we speak they are placing leeches on Craig Bellamy's troublesome groin, and sacrificing a goat in order to clear up Scott Parker's aching knees.

8. The Return

Tomorrow will see large swathes of underachievers return to St James's Park. Bellamy will doubtless be afforded the red carpet treatment that tends to follow him everywhere, whilst Parker and Bowyer didn't really cover themselves in glory during their varying tenures on Tyneside.

The one who will be most warmly received is likely to be Nolberto Solano, who at this point remains a theoretical concept as far as I'm concerned .

Newcastle 2 - 2 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. When In Greece

Have you ever wondered what people from Greece people say in lieu of the phrase "That is something of a Greek tragedy"?

Well, let me tell you - they say "Cor blimey, that was a bit of a West Ham away game wasn't it?".

2. Uriah Heap's On The Pain

I know it's ridiculous to blame a referee for the outcome of a game. And with you being a West Ham fan and therefore well educated, suave and probably quite good looking, you know it too. But I walked away from this game a with a flaming sense of injustice.

Alright, so it wasn't Uriah Rennie who gave away Newcastle's penalty or missed a last minute sitter but given that he was Newcastle's most influential player on the day I do blame him just a little bit.

Rational thinking and being a football fan don't wander along hand in hand very easily, so I hope you'll extend me a little leeway here.

3. Luis, Luis

Rarely have I seen a footballer spend so much of the game lying down as Luis Boa Morte did on Saturday. I'm all in favour of conserving energy wherever possible but this was ridiculous. I'd have to imagine that after the game he had to use that old Grandpa Simpson quote "On one of my frequent trips to the ground....".

Somewhat unfortunately, on one of these slips, Luis inexplicably gave away the penalty that needlessly gave Newcastle much needed momentum early in the second half. The real shame of it being that up until that point the home side had barely mustered an attack worth the name.

So Luis, let's not set the bar too high. From here on in, not so much "must do better" as "must stand up more".

4. The Statistics

It's churlish to say this but I felt to a degree that our own negativity encumbered us on Saturday. The fact that Newcastle enjoyed more possession (55%) is somewhat irrelevant in so much as they looked absolutely clueless when they had it.

Our dominant first half performance was the West Ham I have been waiting quite a while to see. Full of pace and purpose and outworking an ordinary opposition. If we could have grabbed the third goal that our play deserved then the fact that Rennie had placed his life savings on a 2-2 draw would have been irrelevant.

Our 7 shots on target is roughly equivalent to our entire attacking output since August, as well.

5. The Opposition

Newcastle have been beset by injuries. I have finished wiping my eyes for them though seeing as how they continue to urinate their money up the wall on average players (£9m on Albert Luque - how many homeless people could have been housed for that?).

They played well in the second half, unquestionably, but it is equally true that without their nonsensical first goal they would have had no momentum going in to the second half. And with Roeder's motivational skills that was a banker win for us.

6. The Referee

In case any of you didn't see it, the first goal scored by the home side involved a cross shot from James Milner that Scott Parker jumped over as it went in. Parker was several miles offside but Uriah Rennie saw fit to overrule the flagging linesman.

He later disallowed Calum Davenport's headed winner which was probably a reasonable decision, but by then his continued incompetence had long since exhausted any possible sympathy.

It has been our grave misfortune to encounter two referees, in consecutive weeks, such as Graham Poll and Rennie who are given to overblown displays of pomposity.

7. The Turning Point

30 minutes: Peter Ramage (injured) replaced by David Edgar.

Up until this point Marlon Harewood and Carlton Cole were running riot through the 4 mannequins comprising the Newcastle defence. Having replaced Ramage with a better option (i.e: a human being with motor skills) we didn't get quite so much joy.

8. How Not To Finish

Matthew Etherington ran clean through on goal with just 5 minutes left. At no stage did I think that he was going to score. He's just not that sort of player, and he's not having that kind of season.

In fact, I would honestly have preferred to have seen Roy Carroll in that situation - at the very least Roy might have had a bet on a 3-2 win to inspire him.

9. Our Calumni

Calum Davenport was outstanding on his debut. He set up our first and had a late goal disallowed. He also demonstrated a marvellous new technique for levitating himself off the ground using just the power of his own feet.

I believe that this is known within the trade as "jumping".

10. Bloody Nigel's

Nigel Quashie sustained a very nasty looking cut on his head during the first half. Kudos to him for playing on with the wound but I'd have liked to have seen him get it bandaged up. Teams who have those players never lose.

Elsewhere, the other half of our Nigelic midfield was immense. In fact I'd go so far as to say that this was Reo-Coker's best performance of the season. It was interesting to see how pedestrian he made Parker look, particularly in the first half.

11. Onwards

The upturn in performances since the introduction of the new signings has been encouraging, especially with the possible addition of Lucas Neill before our next league game. This has been counter balanced by the failure to pick up the 6 points that would have turned our season around.

Thankfully Wigan appear determined to try and make Sheffield United look like a real life Premiership side and have joined the relegation fight.

I still feel we are a bit doomed given that Lady Luck has not so much deserted us as taken up with the next door neighbour and is spending the entire day chucking stuff at us from across the garden fence. That said, we are still very much in with a shout as we play Sheffield United, Charlton and Wigan before the end of the season.

Regrettably, we don't have a great track record in games we have to win.

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

Just the one penalty conceded this weekend. Veritable success for Big 'Ol Useless Mike.