Aston Villa vs West Ham : Match Preview - 14 August 2010

1. The New West Ham. Just Like The Old West Ham, But With A Bigger Logo

As I wandered through the heaving urban metropolis that is south Romford on my way to the station this morning, I happened to glance up at the large revolving advertising board that helps to give South Street it's Parisian air of late 60's joie de vivre.

To my surprise I saw a large picture of Scott Parker glancing down, encouraging me to buy up some tickets for the new season. Sadly, in rather typical West Ham fashion, as the board revolved several of the panels remained stuck, meaning that Scott's chiselled features were rather weirdly mixed in with that new Milky Bar kid, giving the whole thing a slightly Mary Shelley feel. Naturally, the details of how you actually buy the tickets are also hidden. The more things change etc...

None the less, I applaud the Club's apparent desire to reach back out to it's traditional heartlands and wrest back some of the territory that was shamefully ceded to the likes of tottenham and Chelsea under Duxbury. Somewhat predictably, the execution is a little lacking, but it seems an apposite reminder of the difference between the Icelandic asset strippers and the new Gold/Sullivan/Brady triumvirate.

At this point, of course, I have very little idea as to whether our new owners are going to be any better than, say, Terry Brown. It doesn't strike me as all that sensible to suggest renaming the team within days of taking over as CEO (Brady), or firing out statements suggesting the whole squad is up for sale (Sullivan) or apparently accepting that any move to the Olympic Stadium will include a running track (Gold), but then again, what do I know about running a football club. The debt is down, we haven't sold anyone yet this summer, and nobody appears to be listening to Scott Duxbury. Things are looking up.

2. New Boys

The signing of Mexican winger Pablo Barrera is arguably the most exciting signing made by the Club for some time. On the one hand, the acquisition of young, pacy players who have performed well at the World Cup is a sure sign that our transfer policy might well be moving in the right direction...

3. On The Other Hand...

4. New Boys Cont...

Barrera aside, I am positively drooling over the prospect of Thomas Hitzlsperger slotting into our Scott Parker shaped midfield. Not only because he had been a regular member of the brilliant German squad that graced South Africa 2010, but because he will presumably take some of the load off the aforementioned Parker. I am less excited about the prospect of how often his name is going to be misspelled on the various West Ham internet forums who were previously unable to cope with "Don Hutchison", but I will put up with all your grammatical incompetence.

Naturally, Hitzlsperger was injured playing for Germany on Wednesday and is thus unlikely to feature at Villa, but leaving aside our ongoing susceptibility to opposition voodoo dolls, I rather suspect he will be an excellent addition to the squad.

Whether he will be joined in the starting XI by Frederic Piquionne seems unlikely as the ex Pompey striker seems like a dead cert late game replacement for Cole, and little else. In addition, the 3 year contract given out to the 31 year old seems like a somewhat regressive move when you consider that we have already saddled ourselves with Benni McCarthy's Atkins Diet for the next 2 years aswell.

Elsewhere, defensive new boys Tal Ben Haim and Winston Reid are welcome, if slightly unexpected additions. Haim, is a real Boltonian defender with a "Fuck No" approach to allowing strikers to walk unaided, whilst Reid, is a New Zealander, thus meaning that all my wife's friends and acquaintances now feel qualified to comment on West Ham. Marvellous.

5. The Boss

Avram Grant has had a unique few years in England. His initial foray as a Manager began with Chelsea whom he led to within a tear stained John Terry penalty of the Champions League title. Sadly for Avram, and mercifully for all the millions of people who openly despise John Terry, it was not to be and he won neither the League or the CL.

Despite the late season resurgence he engineered, Grant was largely damned with faint praise as various experts queued up to opine that any carbon based life form with a pulse and a functioning cortex (so not Sam Allardyce, presumably) should be able to get Chelsea into a Champions League final.

The fact that he remains the only Chelsea manager to achieve this feat does rather refute this argument, but no British football pundit ever let facts get in the way of a good myth.

Strangely, he was then largely held to be exempt from blame as Portsmouth slipped to an ignominious relegation last year. The common thread seems to be that Grant has inherited a couple of situations that required salvaging and has never had an English team to completely call his own. Presumably, we will be that team and one would like to think a manager of Grant's experience will be able to move us away from the dead men at the foot of the table.

Whether anything higher is a realistic expectation remains to be seen, and will presumably depend greatly on who is sold between now and the end of the transfer window (*).

(*) Except for Freddie Sears of course, who will never again have any kind of conceivable impact in any of our lives unless he runs over your cat.

6. Token Haka

"Nutmeg this, muthafucka" says Winston Reid

7. The History

Our recent past with Villa has been somewhat chequered as we mixed up a last minute win in November last year, with several draws and one game in which we apparently allowed Craig Gardener to score the winner, as impossible as that sounds.

Zavon Hines was the unlikely hero last year as he popped up with a last minute winner that was naturally followed shortly thereafter with a season ending injury.

The most recent genuinely one sided game between us involved a 4-0 win and a Marlon Harewood hat trick on September 12 2005. This was also the day that England regained the Ashes at the Oval, and if you put those two events together you realise that obviously London had slipped through some kind of hole in the fabric of time and space that particular day.

Incidentally, we followed that up by selling Villa Nigel Reo-Coker and Harewood for a combined £13m deal that presumably contravened several clauses of the Trades Description Act, the Geneva Convention and the Magna Carta.

"Hey Randy, I think I have a Benni McCarthy out the back that might suit you..."

8. The Opposition

"Wait, what? You're saying I CAN'T bankrupt the Club?"

Incredibly we aren't the Premier League club in most disarray going into the new season, as Villa have coolly swiped our long held title by spectacularly imploding on the verge of this game. Martin O'Neill, their much admired boss, surprisingly stepped down this week after owner Randy Lerner revealed that he wasn't going to allow him to piss the utterly incredible £20m they are going to get for James Milner up the nearest wall. Here's the transcript of their discussion:

Martin: "Hey Randy, can I have that £20m?"
Randy: "Sure. Well, not all of it obviously, but you can have some of it"
Martin: "Why can't I have all of it?"
Randy: "Because we owe about £100m to our various creditors. That's quite a lot of money."
Martin: "How come we owe that much?"
Randy: "Remember that time you spent £13m on Nigel Reo-Coker and Marlon Harewood?"
Martin: "Not really Randy - that was a loooong fucking lunch if you get my drift"
Randy: "Yeah, well, I have to keep paying those guys Martin. Seriously. It costs a lot of money"
Martin: "Right, sure, I understand but that doesn't explain why I can't have the £20m to replace Milner"
Randy: "Again, I say, Marlon. Harewood"
Martin: "Well that's not fair. Say something else"
Randy: "Curtis Davies. Nicky Shorey. Steve Sidwell? How about Heskey? Emile Fucking Ivanhoe Heskey. You just leave these guys in the reserves - I have to pay them"
Martin: "You know what Randy, I've had enough of you Yank owners and all your talk of debt. I'm off. And I'm going to wait for the Man Utd job. Things will be different there...!"

In case you can't tell, I'm siding with Lerner. £20m for Milner is such a ridiculous sum that no one in their right mind could feasibly turn it down. Milner isn't that difficult to replace and the pesky thing about debts is that you do eventually need to repay them.

Of course, O'Neill is intelligent and erudite and understands that just as well as me. He is simply the latest manager to bump his head up against the glass ceiling imposed by UEFA and the G14 whereby "ordinary" Clubs are instructed to lower their debts even as UEFA funnel more money to the Champions League clubs, conveniently widening the divide between the two.

He cannot compete financially with tottenham or Man City so even finishing in a UEFA Cup spot becomes a distant dream for the likes of Villa (or indeed us, should we ever progress past fucking Stoke in the table). Thus, I guess it has to be hard getting of bed in the morning when all you can see is debt repayment for the foreseeable future.

Still, £8m for Curtis Davies. Wow.

9. Opening Day Whatever The Opposite Is Of Blues

Yeah, but what you're really asking is "What do we normally do on opening day?It's statistically relevant, man!"

Well, in reverse order since we returned to the Premier League:

Wolves (a) - W: 2-0
Wigan (h) - W: 2-1
Man City (h) - L: 0-2
Charlton (h) - W: 3-1
Blackburn (h) - W: 3-1

So, actually, we're pretty good starters since you ask. This is largely helped by the fact that we have played some pretty moderate opposition at home and, well, Wolves.

Tomorrows game constitutes our most difficult opener for some time, even with Villa being in disarray and fielding Stewart Downing in a, presumably, post modern ironic kind of way. Ho hum. I'm glad the football season is starting again.

10. The H List

We're back! And perhaps determined to be a bit more punctual than before. Who knows - we're not like David Sullivan and are perfectly willing to make promises to you and break them, but we will definitely try to be a more frequent visitor to your inbox or Twitter feed...

West Ham United vs Manchester City: Match Preview - 09/05/2010

1. Opposition

Manchester City’s season, like ours, is now over and so Sunday will be a procession.

It will at least give us a chance to watch a game of football while keeping our blood pressure below 410bpm, and wonder at what might be if Luis Boa Morte can just stay out of The Priory for more than two weeks.

City will doubtless splash the cash again this summer on a host of big names, determined to mount a creditable and sustained assault on next year’s championship.

While a good side with an array of talent (Tevez, Given, Toure), City aren’t there yet and from some angles resemble a bunch of mercenaries (Adebayour, Bellamy, Lescott).

2. Sweet Dreams

Amid our underachievement, we must be grateful for small mercies. The nightmare scenario has after all been averted.

I would rather chaperone the Taliban on a Hen’s Party through Chelmsford than have been sent down on the final day of the season courtesy of a typically bustling, technically astute performance by Pope Carlos Tevez.

The very thought of it is enough to start me welling up.

3. Onto The Next Crisis!

After a few weeks absence (further illustrating the validity of H List dearth equating to points accrual), we have achieved the distinction of guaranteeing 17th place.

As Portsmouth, Hull and Burnley consider life in The Championship, we can be thankful that but for their crass incompetence go we.

We turned the tide with a creditable draw at Everton and a victory at home to Stoke. We then contrived to put in a performance at Anfield with all the urgency of an H List Review, before sealing the deal against Wigan.

If you consider the nuts and bolts of it, it’s a wonder we survived at all. One away win all season. On opening day. Against newly-promoted Wolves.

In such circumstances, it’s usually solid home form which ensures survival, but we have been as secure in our own home as a Pharaoh’s firstborn at Passover. At times we’ve made beating bad sides look as difficult as pissing through a Polo while keeping your hands dry.

Hugely infrequent spells of competence this season on and off the pitch have been thoroughly eclipsed by everything else.

Were it not for the increasing gulf between poor Premiership sides and top Championship ones, we could have plummeted into the kind of freefall witnessed at Elland Road, St. Mary’s Stadium and The Valley.

4. Through The Looking Glass

I’ve mentioned this before, but continue to marvel at the capricious, haphazard nature of fortune.

Those in doubt of the existence of a parallel universe need look no further than Sunday’s opponent, for not so long ago, they were a northern reflection or ourselves - a seldom achieving, yet ambitious team, well-supported by the local community and committed to living or dying by the pursuit of good football.

Both clubs came into new investment around the same time, and then our paths radically diverged.

Thai despots invested heavily at The Eastlands before selling on to even wealthier counterparts from the most oil-rich Emirate in the Middle East, laying the foundation for quality acquisition and the genuine promise of success.

Inept Icelandic clowns invested money they never had in West Ham, spunked it, went into receivership and relinquished control to a cabal of banks, who then went on to sell a 50% stake to a velour-clad vampire with a dodgy ticker and his retired-pornstar associate, laying the foundation for sober reality, sullied expectation and free Sunday Sport for all.

Somewhere in the cosmos is an economy founded on soft porn, where West Ham are Kings of Europe and tabloids provide insightful, balanced commentary.

5. The One That Got Away

Manchester City are well on their way to a title or two, and are sure to again invest heavily this summer.

Their immediate ambitions, however, have been stymied by a failure to secure the final Champions League spot on Wednesday night.

That honour went to tottenham, who have performed consistently this season with the best squad seen at White Hart Lane for many years.

Now, my hatred for tottenham remains undiminished, and perhaps even enhanced courtesy of their fan’s perceived validation of claims to being ‘a massive club’.

But in the interests of accuracy, strip away the lacquer of hatred, chisel at the plasterboard of abhorrence, score the epoxy of loathing and scrape at the mortar of disgust, and you could make an argument for Spurs having the greater claim of the four clubs vying for Europe’s Promised Land.

6. Scott Parker

Far and away our most effective and influential player deservedly picked up the Hammer of the Year award during the week, the first time it has been won two years in a row since Julian Dicks did the same between 1995 and ’97.

Parker’s performances have been more authoritative than Chairman Mao and as composed as Confucius. It’s fitting that it was his goal which cemented our Premier League status and he is fast becoming the only viable hero in our ranks.

Even casting bias aside, and particularly considering Fabio Capello’s favour of form, I think Parker is a must for the England squad. He’s been on fire this season and easily stands up to comparison with the likes of Gareth Barry.

7. Tony Carr

A massive shout out to Tony Carr who was rightfully lauded at a midweek testimonial on Wednesday night.

The evening saw many ex-players return to honour Carr, a smorgasbord of legends and nobodies alike. Invoking the spirit of December 1915, a cessation of hostilities was observed as John Terry and Frank Lampard enjoyed courteous receptions from the crowd.

Such civilities were of course abandoned when Jermaine Defoe’s absence was announced to a chorus of hearty boos.

As is so often the case with testimonials, the match was a pedestrian affair illumined by the odd sparkle. Paolo DiCanio confirmed his status as King of the Boleyn, and Gianfranco Zola demonstrated how his abilities are so obviously in rude health.

The sight of Stuart Slater sashaying down the wing was a sight to warm the hearts of every West Ham fan, conjuring memories of his swivel-hipped strike against Everton in the Cup back in 1991.

As head of youth policy, Carr is the main reason why we have continually produced top class talent from The Academy.

It is just one of the dichotomies of life as a Hammers fan that the assembly line of quality churning through Chadwell Heath is as much a source of shame as pride.

Had we managed to hold on to just 50% of recent produce, we would have the nucleus of not only a formidable domestic team, but the national one.

Still, Tony Carr can not be held responsible for the mercenary fiscal policy of the Kearns family, Terry Brown or our numerically-illiterate Nordic overlords. He is, and has been for some time, the greatest asset of the club.

8. Déjà vu

As ever, the promise of a new season poses many questions:

After 110-years of managerial stability, will we be onto our third manager in three and a half years?

Who will be offloaded in the summer?

How much will we bid for Graham Dorrans before he signs elsewhere?

How will the embers of hope be rekindled by mid-August?

And how long before they’re thoroughly doused?

The H List will aim to enlighten colleagues and enrage neutrals. At least once every three months.

West Ham United vs Stoke City: Match Preview - 27/03/2010

1. Dictionary Corner

Despondent: (adj) feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement or gloom.

This edition is going to be pretty glum, and we all know the reasons for that.

2. I’ll Huff And I’ll Puff And I’ll Blow Your House Down

Not only were we beaten at home by Wolves, not only were we beaten 3-1 at home by Wolves, we were comprehensively outplayed at home by Wolves.

There was nothing there on Tuesday night, many players looking as if they were already looking to next season, concerned only with where else they’ll be playing their football.

Wolves were industrious and composed in midfield, organised in defence and capitalised on poor errors with fine finishing. We couldn’t take advantage of an Essex girl on her third bottle of Lambrini.

Our movement upfront is confused and ineffective and we have achieved the considerable feat of becoming a side lesser than the sum of its parts. We are simply too easy to play against.

Stick two players on Parker, get physical with our ‘attacking midfielders’, and let Kovac, Upson, Tomkins and the full-backs have the ball as much as they want, cos they’ll do nothing with it. Job done.

Our only outside chance at scoring is either from a penalty or on the counter, so if we break, the opposition merely has to foul someone, reassemble their troops and watch us ineffectively try to forge an opening.

None of the players can have any complaints about a backlash. What everyone knew to be a vital game produced a performance as toothless as a jellyfish with gum disease. Few turned up, and those who did played like strangers.

They should’ve been read the riot act after that performance, but are more likely to have got a consoling pat on the back from Zola and a plea for a reaction against Stoke City.

Pardew paid the price of being too matey with what were effectively his employees, and Zola is creeping closer to the same fate.

Every team in the league looks at us as a good chance for three points, home or away. Even a draw on Tuesday would’ve further dejected Burnley and Hull, but now they’ll have renewed belief.

The fans relationship with the team is currently a loveless marriage: passing each other on our way downstairs to the Championship, staying together for the sake of the kids as we cast furtive glances at fans whose teams can string more than two results together.

Stoke, Sunderland, Wigan and Man City at home. It’s all too easy to see defeats coming there, and then we’re doomed.

3. Opposition

This week’s victors are Stoke City – Orcs of the Premier League who bludgeon and batter their way to survival, but they’re six places and nine points ahead of us.

What better tonic for our midweek dirge than seeing us steamrollered by anti-football?

Stoke will shape our season significantly in these last few weeks. After this weekend, they face Hull at home and Wolves away in their following two games. They also play Bolton before the end of the season.

They are not in great form, having picked up two points in their last five matches, but that’s two more than we've managed.

Their main attacking threat is from a throw-in, something they actually celebrate and commercially exploit up in the wastelands of Stoke, and they are largely comprised of big burly men, whippets and assault charges.

They should be beaten. They should be despatched from whence they came with a hiding and a moral crisis, but there’s every chance they’ll get the measure of our ‘better’ players.

The would have taken nothing but confidence from Tuesday night’s abomination and feel that all they have to do is turn up and put themselves about, and we’ll fold.

4. History

Earlier this season we lost 2-1 at The Brittania Stadium, never really getting to grips with the game, the concept of ‘football’, or the falsehood that the home crowd wield the mightiest roar in the land.

Matthew Upson scored from a corner to level things at 1-1, before having his face punched across The Potteries by Robert Huth.

Stoke went on to win, and I can’t even be bothered to finish this sentenfrgjy[pyi[jyet…..

5. Picture Book

A clearly punch-drunk Sugar Ray Leonard wonders ‘how the hell did this happen?’

6. Tale From The Top

Vampiric smut baron, David Sullivan, took the characteristic yet uncommon step this week of issuing a fierce public broadside to his staff.

In an open letter he rightly described Tuesday night as "shambolic" and "pathetic", derided the imbalance of the squad and declared "nobody at the club should delude themselves we are a good team."

Sullivan is obviously hoping to provoke a reaction for the Stoke game similar to that which followed his pay-cut threat prior to the win over Birmingham City.

If the desired response is not forthcoming, he can cite candour and his wish to forge a relationship with the fans.

Combined with a plea for both clemency and renewed support for Saturday, this is a canny move all-round from one half of our chairmanship.

He obviously hopes to stir a reaction as virulent as my aversion to Vegemite, which let me tell you is pretty violent.

7. Upson Downs

Further down the pecking order, club captain, Matthew Upson, has labelled Sullivan’s outburst “irrelevant” and spoken of the obvious need to regain some, any, semblance of teamwork.

Upson’s leadership on Tuesday night was nonexistent. Simple acts like reassuring young James Tomkins after his error for the first goal, were not forthcoming, and he looked as uninterested as any when it is his role to address player apathy.

Upson has confessed of his need to work on leadership, rightly observing that these things take time, but he is a senior player and time is short.

He needs to prove that we did not sell the wrong central defender in January. He needs to prove he has what it takes to be a leader of men. And Junior Stanislas.

Whatever his leadership style may be (vocal, by example, Marxist), he has to show it in spades and quickly.

8. Picture Book

‘I tol’ you, Carlton – you get any jip from-a di fans, you just give them di back-hander. Like-a dis – Eh-MEEHHH!!’

Arsenal vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 20/03/2010

1. Opposition

Arsenal away this week, as we attempt to keep our cumulative concessions against a member of the top three to less than five goals.

The Gunners appear to be coming into form at just the right time. They have weathered a few storms this season, most notably the lengthy absence of Robin van Persie; as well as a merry-go-round of goalkeepers, the audible groans from Sol Campbell’s knees and the traditional broken leg inflicted by the proletariat.

The fact that they remain in the title race at all is more indicative of Man United and Chelsea’s inability to consolidate in the manner they have in previous seasons.

Arsenal’s proximity to the league leaders belies a lack of depth in certain areas and their squad doesn’t match those of the top two. The quality is certainly there, but it is thin on the ground, as brittle as a porcelain doll with post-traumatic stress disorder taking the witness stand.

The fops at The Emirates will hardly care if they win their first title in six seasons, but it can no longer be said that they are a team in transition.

With the rumoured departure of William Gallas and persistent injuries to Theo Walcott, Tomas Rosicky, Eduardo and van Persie, it is the familiar story of a full-strength Arsenal being formidable, but the predominant theme remaining ‘same old Arsenal, legs are creaking’.

2. Damage Limitation

Last week I proffered the opinion that a hard-fought drubbing will do us more good than a pliant narrow defeat.

This week I am inclined to think that back-to-back heavy losses could irreparably damage our confidence as we clamber up the lifeline cast by an imminent run of home fixtures.

It was noticeable how the team deflated after Chelsea’s second goal last weekend, having competed for the first hour. A similar result on Saturday, regardless of the performance, would leave morale tenuously shaky in the run-up to a crucial spell.

3. History

Earlier this season, a 2-2 draw at The Boleyn threatened to herald a turning point after a poor run of home form. A subsequent spluttering run of results is now a matter of public record – although not on this blog. Ahem.

The score draw was all the more notable as we came from two goals down to nick a point. Arsenal were 2-0 up and cruising courtesy of van Persie and Gallas, before Carlton Cole capitalised on a howler from their fifth stand-in substitute first choice ‘keeper, Vito Mannone. Alessandro Diamante then opened his account with a well-taken penalty to claim a point.

Arsenal will look back on that game as one of a few missed opportunities this season, which could ultimately scupper their title ambitions.

Last year’s trip to The Emirates garnered a point during a good run of form for us. We all would have taken a draw pre-game, but a lack of cohesion in the home side combined with mild panic from us whenever we ventured into their half, resulted in leaving the ground with a point in the bag allied to a strange sense of missed opportunity.

However, any mild irritation was banished by the memory of the halftime canapés, which were excellent, matched by a full-bodied Pinot Noir of fine vintage.

4. Danish Patsy

Nicklas Bendtner is one of those professional footballers whom I reckon I could give a run for his money.

Some of his failings would see any schoolboy rightly booed from the playground, yet Arsene Wenger has kept faith with the big Dane and he has scored some important goals against Porto and Burnley recently.

Bendtner’s goal tally is only respectable thanks to the sheer amount of chances his teammates lay on for him. His 'goals scored' vs 'sitters skied' ratio would make for interesting reading, but I’m happy for him to score just enough to remain employed if it keeps Wenger’s predatory gaze from Big Carlton.

5. Picture Book


‘Barcelona? Down here, straight over the roundabout and left at the lights.’

6. Zo Selecta!

Zola’s team selection last week was surprising, with both Mido and Ilan preferred to the exclusion of Diamante and Cole.

If the strike partnership was unexpected, Kieron Dyer’s inclusion in midfield was astounding. I haven’t been so taken aback since I found out Simon Cowell was straight.

Dyer surely wouldn’t be first choice if Collison was fit, and I’m surprised he ousted Diamante, although I expect that decision to be reversed this week.

Young Swiss, Fabio Daprela, looked decent at right back. He can’t be any worse than Faubert defensively and so probably warrants a run in the side. Actual defenders playing in defensive positions often help in games like this.

With Calum Davenport now free to appear on the Jeremy Kyle special ‘Warring Siblings Stab Out Reconciliation’, Danny Gabbidon will have more opportunity to try and reclaim the form of a few years ago

His brief appearances this season have been average (skinned by Giggs at Upton Park, underwhelming against Chelsea), but that is to be expected after such a long time out.

He may have to adapt his game to a more all-purpose defender, as James Tomkins has superceded him in the centre of defence.

I imagine we’ll line up in a similar incarnation to last week, with Cole starting, Diamante reinstated on the wing, and one of several striking options partnering Big Carlton upfront.

We have to get in at halftime no more than a goal adrift. Our comeback from two-down at The Boleyn was unlikely, at The Emirates it would be impossible.

7. Altitude Sickness

The arrival of huge investment and/or debt at the league’s biggest clubs has come at the expense of grassroots atmosphere.

Manchester United can generate volume, but only thanks to their huge capacity. The Glazers ownership has spawned a yellow and green coloured resistance among pockets of die-hard fans, but they are vastly outnumbered by largely inconspicuous glory-hunters and tourists.

Chelsea have become a joke. I am reliably informed that their latest attempt to breathe life into the fetid corpse of Stamford Bridge revolves around synchronised flag-waving, part of a policy to one day oust singing with semaphore.

You’d almost feel sorry for them if you didn’t hate them so much.

United and Chelsea have been blighted in the crowd credibility stakes by an influx of pretenders, but Arsenal are a curious case in that their support has remained consistent in make-up but seldom vocal.

The board, staff and fans at The Emirates are predominantly all powdered wigs and pantaloons. Content to register their disappointment with an aristocratic sneer or a strongly-worded email, years of boarding school has tempered any instinct for jovial camaraderie.

Perhaps success, generations of inbreeding and birthright entitlement has led to an unshakable, emotionally staid repression (a theory which would explain why we are such a rabble-rousing bunch of bi-polar bin men), or perhaps I just enjoy goading my gooner mates too much.

David Seaman? A poor man’s Alan McKnight.

Chelsea vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 13/03/2010

1. Science Fiction

You may have noticed that previews have been absent these last few weeks. Initially due to unforseen circumstances, this prolonged absence evolved into a social experiment.

Our Caligula-esque self-regard combined with an innate lethargy has led us here at The H List to believe our convoluted musings somehow influence reality.

I am personally convinced that the frequency of blog postings are inversely proportionate to West Ham results.

As evidence, I offer the following:

(i) the last preview was for Burnley away, which we duly lost 2-1

(ii) the ensuing divorce from cyberspace 'coincided' with home wins against Birmingham and Hull City

(iii) we scored five unanswered goals and recorded back-to-back wins for the first and only time this season.

An away trip to Man United ended with us on the wrong end of a 3-0 scoreline, but I maintain that we played pretty well, with a good attitude and there was much to be taken from the game. Most notably Mark Noble, who should be taken as far away from the first team as possible.

Saturday's loss to Bolton was an irreconcilable anomaly and one that can have no bearing on sound scientific experimentation such as this.

Our continual defeats to Bolton are demonstrable absolutes akin to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, and the reasoning behind why Kerry Katona must be spayed.

So there you have it: four missed previews, back-to-back wins, a decent performance at Old Trafford and the aberration of Bolton Wanderers. Utterly conclusive.

So, why am I posting another preview if it will directly lead to a further loss and/or underwhelming performance? Well, it's Chelsea this week so I figure we're on a hiding to nothing.

That said, we can fare reasonably well at Stamford Bridge and Chelsea are not in the red hot form of a few months ago.

2. Picture Book

FF: 'Don't worry about the penalty, JT - I'll always be there for you.'

3. History

Last season saw us claim a deserved 1-1 draw, Celtic goblin Craig Bellamy putting us one up before Nicolas Anelka redressed the balance.

We even had chances to win it with Carlton Cole clean through at the death, only to scuff his shot, allowing Petr Cech to cradle the ball as gently as you would a newborn child forged from Kinder Eggs.

I’m not saying we will claim as much as a point on Saturday, and a defeat will warrant no more dejection than a resigned shrug of the shoulders, but I am perversely more confident of taking something from this game than from Bolton’s visit last weekend.

And there’s something very wrong with that scenario.

4. You’ve Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two

It’s clear that our season will be largely determined by our home form. With fixtures against Stoke City, Wolves, Sunderland and Wigan remaining, it is at Upton Park that the embers of hope will burn brightest.

As we all know, however, home games against the likes of Wigan and Wolves are by no means a sure thing, and I think that nabbing a point at places like Stamford Bridge this week or The Emirates the next, will play as vital a role in the tale of our survival.

Four of our five remaining away games involve visits to Chelsea, Arsenal, Anfield, Goodison Park and Manchester City. All of these teams still have something to play for and if we could nick four points or more from these games, it would lessen the pressure on home ties and thereby produce more composed performances at The Boleyn.

Alternately, if these away matches are largely written off in terms of genuine opportunity, they should then be employed as exercises in abandon, pitting our attacking instincts against the better teams so that we are equipped to despatch the lesser teams.

5. Picture Book

FF: 'I can't believe you'd cheat on me with that bint.'

JT: 'Babes, I swear, I'll make it up to you...'

FF: 'Don't..... It's still too raw...'

6. Captain Marvel

Saturday provides our travelling support the first opportunity to reacquaint themselves with John ‘I Have The Morality Of A Crackhead Weasel’ Terry.

Terry is bound to come in for some proper stick, and deservedly so. The vitriol spewed his way may even eclipse that directed at Lampard, the one time Corpulent Francis will ever be eclipsed by anything smaller than St. Pancras Station.

John ‘I Make Judas Iscariot Look Like June Whitfield‘ Terry has scored a couple of goals of late and has undoubtedly found solace among his home support - a support so principled they saw fit to boo former player Wayne Bridge for having the temerity not to shake the hand of the man who slept with the mother of his child.

A crass lack of intellect affords Terry a resilient and confident nature, which only reinforces the view that he deserves to be continually reminded of this devious indiscretion for the rest of his career.

John ‘Keep Your Thirty Pieces Of Silver, I’ll Do It For Free’ Terry has never been popular with Hammers fans, and he has foolishly given the already well-equipped vocal support yet more ammunition with which to deride him. Stand back and enjoy the show.

7. Truth Or Dare

We can’t afford any more lacklustre displays this season. We’ve been made to sit through our fair share of dross and the well of excuses has run dry.

Everyone knows now what is at stake and going 2-0 down to Bolton after just fifteen minutes is unacceptable.

A tricky Champions League tie at home to Inter Milan on Tuesday night will do nothing to divert Chelsea from Saturday afternoon, neither in terms of concentration nor team selection – particularly after their most recent loss at home to Man City and with City’s neighbours reclaiming top spot.

Chelsea are as physical as Bolton in their own way, but have the added bonus of boasting actual professional footballers. If, deep down, we’re expecting to lose, then I say go for the throat from the outset.

A 2-0 or 3-1 defeat suffered in the manner of our recent trip to Old Trafford will serve us better than a 1-0 loss sustained under 90+minutes of utter bombardment, a stunted lack of ambition swinging from our necks like a fudge-coated albatross.

Carlton Cole will be up for it and while he is not yet back to 100%, he can certainly ruffle the preened feathers of Portuguese Peacock, Ricardo Carvalho, or John ‘I’d Bang Your Wife In The Blink Of An Eye’ Terry.

The defence certainly need to step up. They hinted at form a couple of weeks ago and need to regain that thrifty cohesion quickly.

In midfield, this is probably an instance where Kovac and Parker will be required in tandem, despite my previous protestations at the validity of this axis. Get Noble out of the line-up as he provides neither attacking purpose nor defensive steel.

Behrami needs to be full of running and Diamanti full of swagger, tempered with a touch of reason – killer through balls should not be attempted every single time one is in possession, Alessandro.

Finally, wire up Luis Boa Morte to an IV solution of barbiturates, grizzly bear protoplasm and Irn-Bru, and send him on for the last 20-minutes. I guarantee he’ll score. Guarantee it.

Burnley vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 06/02/2010

1. Opposition

Our trip to Turf Moor will find Burnley resolute in claiming a draw at the very least, in a match that has become a survival six-pointer.

Last weekend they lost narrowly at home to Chelsea, and Burnley will see us as their best chance to acquire some points in the near future as our visit is followed by trips to Craven Cottage and Villa Park for The Clarets.

Transfer deadline day signings consisted of extending David Nugent’s loan deal until the end of the season, and taking on Chelsea’s England U-21 defensive midfielder, Jack Cork.

Nugent is essentially Redknapp’s latest variation on the Florin Răducioiu model, saddling Portsmouth with an exorbitant wage for an underperforming player, hence Nugent’s prolonged loan to Burnley thereby relieving Pompey of the financial burden.

A master wheeler-dealer, Redknapp paid around £6million for a Preston North End player whose Championship scoring ratio was roughly one in three, stuck him on Titi Camara-esque wages and tried to flog him in the same transfer window.

Fellow striker Steve Fletcher has some ability, as evidenced by his well-taken goal against Chelsea, and Chris Eagles also has his moments, notably against us earlier this season when he set up two identikit goals for Fletcher and scored a third himself.

2. History

We’ve only played Burnley five times in the last thirty years, four of those matches taking place during our most recent dalliance with The Championship.

Those four games resulted in two wins and two draws, whereas The Clarets visit to Upton Park in November saw us try our best to throw away a 5-0 lead, conceding three times in the last 25-minutes.

3. Comings And Goings

After months of speculation, claim and counter-claim, the business of the January transfer window has been concluded.

Firstly, Luis Jiminez left for Parma after an invisible six months at West Ham. Combining his eleven starts and one goal (a penalty) with the misplaced fanfare that accompanied Savio, surely the writing is on the wall for ‘talent scout’ Gianluca Nani. The writing being, ‘Piss Off. You’re Useless.’

Our chronic striker deficiency was addressed with three new signings: Benni McCarthy (on a two-and-a-half year deal for around £2.5million), Ilan Araujo Dall’Igna (on loan from AS St. Etienne until the end of the season), and Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid (a.k.a Mido, on the same deal as Ilan, but arriving from Middlesbrough).

After what appeared the genuine prospect of getting Gudjohnsen from Monaco, at first glance it’s all a little underwhelming. Then again, just over two short weeks ago we faced the prospect of having to sell players of a calibre we would have no hope of acquiring now, and being unable to draft in any replacements.

In the frosty glare of reality, the business done on Monday is none too bad and if it results in keeping us in the Premier League, we’ll all be happy.

McCarthy is likely to be Zola’s first choice alongside Cole, with this Little n’Large double act potentially debuting on Saturday. Benni is the only arrival from our originally touted targets, a fact reflected in the one permanent contract offered. However, he does have a habit of starting well at a new club before coasting to pastures new.

Mido is a misfit, having played for seven clubs in the last seven years, which is invariably a bad sign. His appetite has been continually questioned, most recently by Burnley’s manager, Brian Laws.

He is an interesting character in that he has agreed to sign for £1,000-a-week, announcing “I am here to prove a point” - the point being that he can genuinely cut it in top flight English football.

It is encouraging that he has put his money where his mouth is, something oh so rare with the modern footballer, and Mido could also swiftly strike up a relationship with McCarthy if required as the two played together at Celta Vigo back in 2003.

Brazilian, Ilan, is the least known of our new triumvirate, having never played in the Premiership. He has played the bulk of his football in France, impressing for FC Sochaux before being signed by AS St. Etienne.

Ilan’s history at St. Etienne is chequered, initially flourishing but more recently falling down the pecking order. Hopefully he will prove more of a Juninho than a Robinho.

All this attacking intent almost distorts the reality that Julien Faubert will still be at right back at some stage this season. Ilunga’s return at left-back will hopefully see one-man-band Jonathan Spector pushed out to the right.

4. Eye Of The Storm

We are now two games into this vital period and have essentially dropped four points.

An in-form Birmingham are up next, followed by Hull and then Bolton - a team cast from kryptonite, inexplicably impossible for us to beat. Then it’s Chelsea and Arsenal, both away.

While Saturday’s fixture holds all the appeal of Adam Sandler, it is a massive game.

5. Captain Marvel

It turns out that multi-millionaire whore, John Terry, is an adulterous scumbag - as well as being England captain, the charmless seed of a drug-dealer and a thief, and ‘Dad of the Year 2008’.

This week’s revelations that Terry had an affair with the partner of then team-mate, Wayne Bridge, must surely put pay to his stint as captain of England. It’s a real achievement to climb from a childhood fostered on the principles of dope and larceny to the prime post in English football, and should equally provide a significant fall from grace.

I think it’s a disgrace. Do we live in such a Nanny State that a man with a history of affray and the drunken harassment of American tourists days after 9/11 can’t supplement his £160,000-weekly wage by prostituting his lofty position as captain of both club and country?

Can he not get his mate’s girlfriend knocked-up? Not gallantly employ ‘associates’ to arrange an abortion? Can he not make her sign a confidentiality agreement and then seek a court-injunction against a national newspaper to selflessly keep his valiant behaviour private?

The point is, there are plenty of role models for decent, well-adjusted, law-abiding children to revere –Philip Schofield, Kris Akabusi, Batman – but should Terry be ejected, then who will be the model for our nation's chavs? Our dullards? Our knife-wielding benefit cheats?

6. A Sitting Duxbury

Carcinogenic CEO, Scott Duxbury, was jettisoned from the Boardroom last Friday, as was to be expected when confronted with the sight of Gary Mason wedging herself into a leather-lined recliner.

Duxbury’s residence at the helm represents the most turbulent time in our history, the club coming closer than ever before to financial ruin.

To some extent it will be almost impossible for us to ever truly know whether he was instrumental in keeping the circling vultures from picking every last asset from our scrawny carcass, or whether his stewardship of the club was as sure-footed as a drunk on a treadmill.

I confess to being seduced by his malevolent charm on the odd occasion (refusing to sell Bellamy to Spurs, his dedicated temptation of Christ in the desert), but it’s obvious to all that he did a lot better out of us than we out of him.


(I swear to god I haven’t doctored this photo..... Look at those eyes! Makes a bloodthirsty Great White Shark look like the distilled essence of human compassion found in the gaze of Mother Theresa as she offers you a free Caramac)

West Ham United vs Blackburn Rovers: Match Preview - 30/01/2010

1. Opposition

Once Premier League Champions, reduced to unsightly loiterers.

Under Kenny Dalglish, Blackburn Rovers acquired a fine team to win the championship in 1995 courtesy of the millions invested by Jack Walker in the likes of Alan Shearer and Chris Sutton

This endeavour proved short-lived as the winning side was quickly dismantled and Blackburn were relegated a few years later.

They are a team much like ourselves in that they hover passively around the lower reaches of the table, occasionally flirting with the top ten, but equally capable of relegation.

The Blackburn squad is an unremarkable eccles cake, garnished with a few granules of sugary competence. Ryan Nelson is a solid, no-nonsense defender and David Dunn capable of hitting influential form.

But for every Dunn, they have a Michel Salgado past his best, a Pascal Chimbonda touching himself over his bank statements and an El Hadji Diouf tossing flaming kittens at disabled people with a lovingly restored Roman ballista.

What must be a greater source of despair for Blackburn fans is that their motley crew are currently presided over by cultural recidivist, Sam Allardyce – a man who still regularly campaigns against universal suffrage.

Mock them as I may, they’re still seven points above us.

2. History

Blackburn Rovers have the shameful distinction of being our whipping boys.

They have beaten us just once since our shambolic 7-1 defeat at Ewood Park back in 2001 – a game which remains a damning indictment of the Roederian era, as both Gary Flitcroft and Craig Hignett were permitted to score against us.

Since then it has been largely plain sailing, a 3-2 away defeat all that obscures a run of nine wins and three draws from thirteen games.

Last season’s 4-1 victory paints a rosier picture than the beige reality, with two of our goals coming in injury time, Jason Roberts missing a penalty and Matt Derbyshire being dubiously ruled offside having scored with Rovers 2-1 down.

All this serendipity was pure gravy, however, ladled thickly upon the fetid top-flight managerial career of Paul Ince.

Ince would last another three and a half months, whereas Curbishley resigned four days later.

3. Picture Book


Sam Allardyce spots Emmeline Pankhurst in the Chicken Run

4. Transfer News.... Whenever You're Ready

In light of the time of year, the majority of this article will address our worryingly late activity (or lack thereof) in this transfer window.

Firstly, the scurrilous behaviour of Harry ‘My Moral Compass Is Down To The Bare Bones’ Redknapp.

It is now common knowledge that tottenham have beaten us to the coveted signature of Eidur Gudjohnsen, conducting negotiations with the former Chelsea and Barcelona man after he had completed a medical at Upton Park.

It wasn’t so much the fact we had been gazumped, as unsigned transfer deals are never steadfast, more the slimy way in which Redknapp went about it. On Wednesday he said:

"I spoke to his agent, he said he was going to West Ham, so I left it with the agent. He's a good footballer and an interesting player on a loan, but I think he's gone to West Ham."

I found this little disclosure to the national media infuriating. Redknapp was wholly aware of the ripples this would cause and it was nothing less than a direct attempt to scupper what up ‘til then had been a bona-fide deal, all portrayed as ‘Arry innocuously keeping his chums in the gutter press updated.

‘Shrewd’, you might think. ‘Scum’, I’d retort.

As convinced as I have been for some time that Gudjohnsen would be a great signing for us, I’m trying to recoup as much solace as I can in our recent record with Icelanders.

Gudjohnsen was supposed to be signed in tandem with Blackburn’s Benni McCarthy, an ageing yet efficient striker with Premier League experience and a Champions League winners medal to his name.

This also appears to have hit the skids, however, with the imminent expiry of McCarthy’s work permit causing problems.

As a result of a focus on Gudjohnsen, another target, Man City’s Benjani, has since entered into negotiations with Blackburn as a replacement for McCarthy. Able egotist, David Bentley, has been mentioned on loan, but we’re up to our ears in midfielders.

It all sounds like a familiar case of the wheels coming off and what worries me is that the transfer window closes at midnight on Sunday. One of our main targets has absconded, the other stalled and Ruud Van Nistlerooy was only ever a pipe dream.

Reinforcements are sorely needed, but desperate deals hurried through more for show than anything else will get us nowhere.

The furious activity of inaction has lead to reports of Celtic’s Australian striker, Scott McDonald, being linked with our front line – a man who failed to make an impact at Southampton, Huddersfield Town, Bournemouth or Wimbledon.

McDonald is currently being kept out of the Celtic team by Giorgios Samaras and Marc Antoine Fortune, pedestrian ex-Premier League strikers both, so how can he be expected to fire us clear of relegation?

It looks as though we’ve missed our booking for a pleasant Harvester Earlybird luncheon, stopping at Happy Shopper on the way home to scoff a dozen Cadbury’s Chomps. Just having something in our bellies may provide a short-lived satisfaction, but it will be swiftly negated once we’re sick in our own laps.

Portsmouth vs West Ham UNITED: Match Preview - 26/10/2010

1. Mourning Has Broken?

With the business side of ownership concluded, the proper business of survival gets underway as we enter the pivotal stage of our season.

Over the next eighteen days we will face most all of our likely relegation contenders, with Bolton following a couple of weeks later.

The fixture congestion created by the adverse weather will largely be resolved in the coming weeks, as crucial games arrive thick and fast – six in all between now and 20th February.

2. Opposition

First up is bottom of the table Portsmouth, on the face of it the one club in the league who make our financial predicament positively glow with rosy-cheeked wellbeing.

Pompey are in trouble whichever way you look at it. Not the first club to experience near-meltdown soon after the departure of Harry ‘My Cayman Islands Account Is Down To The Bare Bones’

The transfer window will prove more vital to Portsmouth’s fortunes than to those of any other club, their future dependent upon the shape of the squad come 1st February and whether they can clone ten Hayden Mullins’s to form a functional if unspectacular 'utility' of 'Mullae'.

While it may feel as though they were cast adrift some time ago, Portsmouth are just five points from safety and with at least one game in hand over their immediate rivals. Depending how much transfer damage they can sustain, they will feel they still have a chance of getting out of it.

Pompey have enjoyed some decent results of late and will be desperate to build momentum with a good Tuesday night performance at home. Our plight is equally perilous, on the pitch at least, and I will be sorely disappointed were we to emerge from the game with anything less than a draw.

However, this is a great chance to claim just our second away win of the season and kick-start our own climb up the table.

3. There’s Always Someone Worse Off Than Yourself

Under the stewardship of our one-time Managing Director, Peter Storrie, Portsmouth have lurched from one crisis to the next.

They currently sit under the swinging axe of administration, face a wind-up petition from the Inland Revenue, are in the midst of a transfer embargo, have been reported to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, have had their latest £7million share of TV money redistributed to debtors, have been unable to pay player wages punctually more than once this season, have their CEO on a tax evasion charge, and were recently issued with a writ from Sol Campbell for unpaid bonuses and image-rights payments.

Such is their parlous state, they will listen to offers for any player in January, and fears that they may tumble down the divisions on the back of the erratic mustang of mismanagement bare more credibility with every passing farce.

4. Like Looking In A Mirror

I’ve been racking my brains trying to decide whom Karren Brady reminds me of, and then it hit me: Gary Mason, former British Heavyweight Champion.

5. History

Last season’s 4-1 demolition of Portsmouth at Fratton Park was the defining point of our season and the catalyst for a haul of twenty points claimed from an available twenty-four. We could do with the same again.

Craig Bellamy had his best game in a West Ham shirt, scoring two and setting up another. The team performance was all the more impressive as we came from a goal down to win, and topped off nicely by a missed penalty from Defoe.

This victory also represented the first time we had beaten Pompey in the Premier League and it was no coincidence that Redknapp had since left, taking his abiding hoodoo over us to White Hart Lane.

6. Heart For The Fight

There is one particular thing (among many) which needs urgent address: our stark inability to win a game having gone a goal down.

We have managed this feat just three times in the past thirteen months: last year’s corresponding fixture, Stoke City at home the following week and Millwall in the League Cup back in August of last year.

Hopefully the positivity around the new ownership will go some way to adding a mite of resolve to a team who are criminally adept at throwing in the towel when facing a deficit.

There’s no valid reason or excuse for this and it will prove a fatal flaw if perpetuated long(er)-term. Our Vice Chairman once went toe-to-toe with Lennox Lewis, so she should be able to instill the same fight into her charges.

7. Picture Book

You’ll never see these two in the same room

8. Capital Gains Pacts

If the new incumbent of our official pulpit was attempting to endear herself to the fans with a clarion call to arms, she is off to a poor start:

“The Boleyn does no more than serve a purpose... To disqualify the (Olympic) stadium's only viable future is to make a bonfire of the dreams of thousands and thousands of people in our under-privileged area... I love the idea of calling the club West Ham Olympic.”

Another media-friendly soundbite associated with our club this week came from Tony Fernandes, who said, “I see West Ham as the unpolished diamond of the Premier League”. Perhaps, but only if you consider our utter dependence on Cole.

Firstly, we know better than any that The Boleyn Ground is not The Emirates Stadium, but to say that it does no more than ‘serve a purpose’ is to dilute the history of the place.

Only an outsider would so coldly deride the venue that has fostered our shattered dreams for so long, played host to a galling litany of frustration punctuated by occasional genius, and proved such an efficient conduit for our gallons of bitter tears.

Does Ms. Brady not remember seeing John Moncur continually rotating on a six-pence? Stuart Slater’s twining splendour against Everton in the Cup? Or Iain Dowie's magnificent 13-month goal drought?

It may not be a monument to success, or indeed happiness, and the halftime toilet stop is a fast-track to lung cancer, but to disparage it in such callous terms two days into the job is a misjudgement.

‘West Ham Olympic’? Fuck right off.

Thankfully, the IOC’s fierce defence of its intellectual property should put pay to such cynically commercial proposals. It was touted as nonchalantly as a housewife saying, “I love the idea of combining all my Nectar points onto one easy-to-use card.”

Please, don’t write in saying that’s sexist. It’s not.

As Brady is so early in the job, this is hopefully just a miscalculation, and even if the ultimate move is a sound long-term proposal, Brady will have to tailor her polished mercantile instincts into more palatable, candid reasoning for spit and sawdust scum like ourselves.

I just hope she’s not the Fergie to our Black Eyed Peas, for while the Black Eyed Peas have undoubtedly gone onto great success after the inclusion of their strangely masculine songstress, they are now a meagre imitation of their prior selves.

Hopefully we will not follow the same route, since they cynically traded what it was that made them entertaining for the glitz and glamour of hollow celebrity, leaving once diehard fans as satisfied as Mark Lawrenson’s wife. Redknapp, the south coast club could prove to be the new Leeds and slide inexorably to resume their rivalry with struggling neighbours Southampton in League One.

Gold, Frank Talking And No Mirth

It was EM Forster who once described God as "the Friend who never comes but yet is not entirely disproved", and for some time now I think I have been subconsciously agreeing with this whilst pondering the mythical new owner of West Ham. He who will swoop in with a golden chequebook and rescue us from the roiling sea of incompetence and mismanagement upon which we currently sail.

The sad thing, of course, is that every football fan in England has at some point uttered the immortal phrase "...{insert club} just needs some investment and we will really go places..", oblivious to the fact that the best way to make a small fortune in this country is to start with a large one and then buy a football club.

So it was with some trepidation that I awaited the announcement of the new ownership group to follow on from the nightmarish Straumar stewardship, that has seen the life sucked out of the Club. Contenders were David Sullivan and David Gold, Tony Fernandes, Massimo Cellino and the mysterious Intermarket Group. Whilst Straumar maintained there was no need to sell, it was clear that the future of the Club was going to be largely dependent upon a sale in this window. I say that, because no change of ownership would certainly have seen player departures and with the squad already smaller than Victoria Beckham's IQ, this would undeniably have led to relegation.

As you know by now, Sullivan and Gold were the victors, taking on a 50% share, and most crucially the day to day running of the Club. Their immediate strategy was to lay bare the full horror of the Club's parlous financial position, which is no doubt a chance to immediately temper expectations in the face of a fanbase desperate to believe that someone will mimic Abramovich in the East End. Which isn't going to happen here.

Some of their maths seems a little wonky to me, and I don't doubt that they are overegging the pudding somewhat, but in fairness they probably deserve some leeway in light of their commitment to the Club.

The certain thing about Gold and Sullivan is that they are clearly astute businessmen. They ran Birmingham adroitly enough to pocket a substantial profit when they sold to Carson Yeung, and their immediate aim will no doubt be to wrest control from Scott Duxbury and start to run the club along more thrifty lines. They appear a less sexy, but ultimately more stable option than Fernandes who never really seemed to be a serious enough bidder, and who didn't have the funds anyway. I also didn't appreciate finding out about his thoughts via the medium of Twitter ("Just seen the accounts - LMFAO").

In truth, I don't really care what they do in the short term. The threat of insolvency as a result of relegation appears to have been staved off, and if we go down now it will be due to incompetence on the pitch which at least puts us level with all the other shit teams in the League.

Investment in the team is less important at this point than the fact that we no longer have to sell, as David Gold pointed out yesterday. If today's rumours are true that we have offered £1.5m for Benni McCarthy, then I think we are pitching our transfer policy at the right level, by looking to pick up solid Premier League players who won't break the bank and have the required experience of this level. Very few significant players change clubs in January and it would be foolish to think otherwise. We need this years equivalent of Les Ferdinand from 2002/03, and McCarthy is a good start in that direction.

In the longer term Gold and Sullivan are likely to be dull, safe owners. They don't have the huge funds available to invest heavily into the squad but they will run the Club prudently, pay down the debts and presumably leave it in a better state than they found it. Since the experience with the Icelandic owners I am hugely wary of anyone who comes into a football club and promises investment,as most appear to saddle the Club with their debt (see United, Manchester). It seems to me that there are very few philanthropic types who are prepared to write of their millions in the pursuit of happiness, as evidenced by the fact that we are still paying off the debts incurred by Eggert Magnusson in his crazy tenure at the helm.

A Club like us can probably afford to spend £6m on a player every once in a while, as shown by the fact that we had only ever done this once before Magnusson arrived at the Club (Dean Ashton). We then did it four times in the space of 6 months (Upson, Bellamy, Parker, Dyer) although it turned out these were financed by loans, which later contributed greatly to the current shitfest with the accounts.

As for Karren Brady - well firstly, that's not how you spell Karen, but she proved herself a thoroughly competent executive at Birmingham, and given the utter fuck up that Duxbury has made of the last few years, I don't think anyone should have any qualms about her ability to run the business. She has had some cutting words for the Club over recent years regarding Tevez, the Millwall affair and various other incidents, but in truth I doubt she was saying anything that didn't contain at least a grain of truth.

So what next for the Club? I pray it is stability, and of course, survival. I don't hold out a great deal of hope that the Club will really spend significantly in the future, but anything that lifts us away from the awful incompetence and fuckwittery of the last few years is alright by me. Remember that our youth system has been good for one new player a year at least in recent seasons.

So embrace tedium and stability folks. It ain't so bad. Off the pitch, at least...

An H List Special: A New Dawn..... Again

1. The Shambles

As responsive as a coked-up Lewis Hamilton, The H List is here to ramble on a bit about yesterday's announcement that the battle to own what has been revealed to be a near insolvent football club, has been won by Messrs Gold and Sullivan.

I was initially underwhelmed upon hearing the news, somewhat deflated that my preferred option of AirAsia boss, Tony Fernandes (preferred for no real reason on reflection), had not won the day.

As this blog has a sound reputation for fair-mindedness and considered opinion, I sought to hear what our new owners had to say before rushing to condemn their appointment.

Sifting through the coverage, what obviously stood out was the crass incompetence of the previous administration and how close to the precipice we teetered. Some startling figures include:

£50million owed to banks
£40million owed to other clubs
A total debt of £110million
We have borrowed against 70% of next year’s season ticket income, and of 60% the following year's
SBOBet have paid 70% of their sponsorship money three years upfront
We would’ve had to find £8million this month and £12million in the summer to stay afloat
The club borrowed against the income due from player sales (Bellamy etc) before it arrived, and so nothing is due.

I don't think any of us thought it was quite that bad.

It appears as if nearly all club assets bar a few players have been sold or pre-sold in order to keep the wolf from the door.

David Sullivan praised the efforts of Chief Executive, Scott Duxbury, and Chief Financial Officer, Nick Igoe, for their efforts in treading water until a suitable buyer could be found.

You could take this stance and commend their forethought in successfully keeping the club solvent.

Or you could question whether they should be paraded around Plaistow in stocks for having presided over this calamity in the first place, particularly Duxbury.

2. The Conflict

One wonders whether there will be room for Duxbury at the table (despite Sullivan publicly assuring him of his position), with the arrival of Karen Brady as Vice Chairman, although rumours of the £2million cost of sacking Duxbury may tell us all we need to know.

Brady was The David’s CEO at Birmingham for 16-years and is obviously a no nonsense kinda gal. She was CEO of Birmingham City at 23-years of age and has a reputation as a ruthless workaholic, underlined by the fact that she returned to work just three days after the birth of her first child.

The way through a frosty impasse could be if Brady offers Duxbury one of her children as a sacrifice, swathed in pentagram swaddling for his Satanic altar - an option that could well suit all concerned.

3. Duxbury Welcomes Brady To The Boardroom


4. The Deal

The Davids have acquired 50% of the club, commanding “operational and strategic control”. The remaining 50% is owned by Straumur, although Sullivan has an option to buy them out anytime within the next four years.

He has stated that he would rather a few wealthy Hammers fans chip in a few million each for the remaining equity and a seat on the Board. Tony Fernandes has already been approached but has announced that he “will take a breather from football”, in the very same sentence as announcing that ‘AirAsia is a goldmine’.

Sullivan and Gold have assured Zola and his management team of their future, as well as declaring that no-one will have to be sold this month. They have also made limited funds available to strengthen a thin squad and threadbare frontline in the fight against relegation.

The Davids will not receive any payment in their new roles and will themselves pay the wages of Brady.

They have also earmarked an eventual move to Stratford’s Olympic Stadium as a definite priority, despite the need to maintain a running track, which in itself would be awful. They have cited the potential to slash ticket prices in light of the hugely increased capacity.

With the apparent inability to augment The Boleyn Ground and the added income from developing the site, this may make financial sense, but it will be a move made under close scrutiny from West Ham diehards and with a lump in many throats.

Other proposals to potentially sell the naming rights to Upton Park are similarly disconcerting, but unfortunately seem to be the distasteful way of the future. ‘SundaySport@TheBoleynGround’ anyone?

At least now we can now all look forward to Bubbles The Bear getting his baps out at the Blackburn game.

5. The Future?

The above may sound a little negative, but now that our critical state has been laid bare, I think we're all just thankful that we can draw a line under this sorry episode.

While not the golden geese that some of us perhaps wished for, The Davids seem bolstered to invest the money and passion it will doubtless take to get us out of this mess. Hopefully they will prove the considered, inclusive owners we need.

Sullivan and Gold are obviously committed to the cause, either that or totally mental to take on such a financial liability.

While they are not equipped to launch us up the table anytime soon, we’ve all had our fingers burnt in that regard and I for one would rather a bit of stability and the earnest transparency that has thus far been forthcoming, and which looks set to continue.

Aston Villa vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 17/01/2010

1. Opposition

Our travels this weekend take us to Villa Park, home of Aston Villa and hopeful locale of Champions League football next season.

Aston Villa are one of those few sides with the realistic ambition and ability to break into the Top Four. They currently lie 5th, two points ahead of Liverpool, two behind tottenham and three adrift of Man City.

Recent losses to Liverpool and Arsenal will not help their cause, but they have been largely solid this season, notching some notable wins against Chelsea and Man United.

Villa play some attractive football and Martin O’Neill’s side are commendably trying to attain success in the right way. They have pace upfront (Ashley Young, James Milner and Gabriel Agbonlahor), are solid at the back (Brad Friedel, Richard Dunne and Carlos Cuellar), and have the option of a release ball via big target man, John Carew.

Forgotten man Stewart Downing is also on the comeback trail and adds another option to a dynamic midfield, even though he’s rubbish. He does, however, have a worrying habit of scoring against us.

Villa haven’t played in the League this year, as their last two matches have both been postponed. They will be as fresh as Headhammer Shark’s morning donuts, which are about as fresh as it gets – he just drinks the batter.

2. History

Last season’s trip to Villa Park ended in a 1-1 draw, as a hallowed gust briefly reconstituted the charred remains of Diego Tristan just long enough for what appeared to be a boot to prod home a wayward effort by the revived Kieron Dyer, himself unwittingly jarred into action by the physio’s defibrillator.

Emile Heskey had put Villa one up after ten minutes, but they were left to rue their profligacy after both Heskey and Young hit the post in the first half.

Overall, Villa deserved the points, although we had our chances - Junior Stanislas notably twice going close early on. Indeed, we had a chance to win it at the end as Mark Noble’s deflected goal-bound effort produced a fine save by a lantern-jawed silverback gorilla masquerading as Brad Friedel.

Trips to Villa Park are generally tame affairs, with the game either drawn or settled by the odd goal.

3. You Take The High Road...

It wasn’t so long ago that ourselves and Aston Villa were comparable clubs. From one season to the next we could continually be relied upon to finish anywhere between 7th and 17th, a brief run of results invariably being all that would separate the two sides.

Both teams enjoyed significant investment around the same time, Villa thanks to American billionaire, Randy Lerner, and ourselves courtesy of a bunch of Nordic incompetents with a dishevelled abacus.

Our paths seemed to diverge around the time that both clubs were attempting to lure Ashley Young away from Vicarage Road.

Alan Pardew had cited Young and did his best to prize another gifted young player from the Championship to a club with more prospect of a prolonged stay in the top flight, much as he had done with Hayden Mullins and Nigel Reo-Coker.

Martin O’Neill offered a probable larger salary, a record of greater stability and his own unique enthusiasm. Pardew probably had his eyes on Young’s girlfriend.

Pardew never got the chance to follow through on his interest, although we still bid £10million for Young a month after our erstwhile manager got the chop. Young rejected the move, opting to sign for Villa for just over £9million and in the intervening years they have both gone from strength to strength.

With Curbishley at the helm, we proceeded to pilfer £20million on a host of has-been invalids, and the rest is history.

4. Postponements

Much to the chagrin of fantasy football managers everywhere, the majority of last weekend’s programme was postponed due to the inclement weather, both our match against Wolves and Villa’s trip to Wigan among the victims.

In hindsight, this was probably a good thing, providing a chance for a few players in or loitering outside the treatment rooms the opportunity for another week’s recovery. Alternately, it afforded other players the chance to injure themselves in training, a’ la Guillermo Franco.

Whether the possibility to initiate some momentum with an easy home tie against Villa’s poor relations prior to an altogether more testing match this weekend was an opportunity missed, we’ll never know.

I’m inclined to think that the extra rest will serve us better, and who’s to say that a morale-crushing defeat to Wolves wouldn’t have precipitated an irrevocable decline?

5. Picture Book

'How's that bench-warming working out for you, Nige?'

6. You Couldn't Make It Up

Whether I am being insular in my appraisal, I’m not sure, but West Ham fans must face more obstacles between themselves and even modest trinkets of success than most any others.

Not only have we dominated any and all press coverage about football’s financial mismanagement, but now we must even stare down meddlesome Death itself.

Just as the tireless tale of our prospective ownership seemed to be winding its way to some sort of conclusion, the CEO of one of the prospective buyers goes and dies at the weekend, casting more doubt on proceedings.

Churlish of me, perhaps – a man has died after all - but I know of no other club forced to contend with such morbid, finite concepts.

7. Transfer Targets

As has been the case for about 35-years, a striker is atop our fanciful wish list, should Scott Duxbury manage to get a few hundred quid for Kenny Brown’s clapped out Ford Capri, having buffed out the scratches sustained during Kenny’s ill-advised drag race with Gary Charles.

A few names have been touted, among them Stoke City’s James Beattie (not least by this blog a few weeks ago), Monaco’s Eidur Gudjohnsen (not least by this blog a few years ago), Portuguese veteran, Nuno Gomes, and Fiorentina’s ex-Chelsea coke-head, Adrian Mutu.

Gomes will be looking to boost his chances of an appearance at the World Cup, and while he may look fifteen, he will actually turn thirty-four during this summer’s international showpiece.

He has a decent scoring record at both international and Portuguese domestic level, but failed to shine during his spell at Fiorentina, having been signed after an impressive Euro 2000 tournament.

Gudjohnsen has been linked with us before, but opted to dissipate into the wilderness of Ligue 1, making just seven starts for Monaco this season. Old comrade Franco Zola may be able to tempt him over, but with his waning class and without the World Cup motivation of a Franco or Gomes, do we need a reluctant striker with a grating goal celebration?

Adrian Mutu is obviously just coming over to cosy up to good ol’ Luis Boa Morte and his big bag of barbiturates.

8. Turkish Delight

You may know that I don’t subscribe to HeadHammer Shark’s blind adoration of our departed captain, Lucas Neill.

It therefore comes as little wonder to me that the avaricious tugboat has declared three months on Merseyside to be quite enough and that he is to immediately join Galatasaray on an 18-month deal.

Neill has expressed “surprise” at signing for “a massive European Club”, although his shock can only stem from the personal astonishment that he managed to stick it out at Everton for so long without his Fabergé egg and chips being presented to him hourly by King Midas.