West Ham 0 - 2 Manchester United (And Other Ramblings)

1. Ordinary Thunderstorms

A game of football broke out tonight amidst all the terrible decision making, but I'm sure you'll forgive me if I jump straight to the nights big talking point - the red card for Sofiane Feghouli.

You need to be careful about calling someone a cheat. It's a strong word, that carries lots of connotations and therefore should be used judiciously.

With that said, I don't think that Mike Dean cheated tonight. Firstly, for someone to cheat they have to benefit from the action, which a referee clearly doesn't. We might like to think that referees want bigger teams to win, largely because so much other stuff is skewed in their favour, but they don't. It seems logical to me that referees just want to get through the game and get home without causing too much damage, having got the big decisions right.

When that doesn't happen, then we get nights like these.

I can't defend Mike Dean, as such, for his decisions tonight were almost unforgivably bad, but I suppose we have to accept that human beings have human failings and that they make mistakes. Because of that, wanting referees punished for their mistakes doesn't make too much sense to me. I'd rather focus on those who stand in the way of giving them assistance. We should by now have a system that allows managers to challenge one decision per game in the same way that NFL coaches can, and that would have seen this red card rescinded before Feghouli was even off the pitch, and thus preserved the challenge for the second goal when three Man Utd players were offside.

But somehow this can't happen, because there are still those who put forth the idea that bad decisions are somehow good because they generate pub discussion. This is such utter horseshit that it barely warrants a response. And this would still be horseshit even if Mike Dean had sent off Phil Jones and and not Feghouli. Football referees don't exist to generate conversation or column inches. They are there to apply the rules of the game, fairly and equally to both teams, and not send off players when they shouldn't.

It has also been said that FIFA don't want to introduce replays or challenges as they want to maintain the professional game as closely to the amateur version as possible. This is also horseshit, as anyone who has ever played on a Sunday morning will know. I have played games without linesmen, substitutes, nets, and one one memorable occasion - a crossbar. No amateur footballer in the world would care about replay, any more than they have cared about goal line technology.

Instead of vilifying referees for their errors, we should be crucifying those in authority who refuse to help eradicate them.

A red card challenge, clearly

2. On The Yankee Station

So having said that about Mike Dean, I can say without fear of contradiction that I consider Phil Jones a cheat. 

The sequence of events that surrounded Feghouli's red card was remarkable from start to finish. The Algerian took a heavy touch and then foolishly dived in to try and recover the ball, as Jones flew into him from the side. Having watched it several times over it's not clear to me where Feghouli actually touches Jones to cause him such agony, but you can watch for yourself here:

Bilic: "It should be the other way round. Phil Jones was more dangerous, he made a meal of it." pic.twitter.com/9aCKOZOJBa

— West Ham News (@WHUFC_News) January 2, 2017

What is clear is the way Jones brings his trailing leg through and catches Feghouli. I'm not going to lie and say that I had a clear view at the time, but I can honestly say that I didn't know who had fouled who, or even if a foul had been committed. My seat was in the upper tier and therefore at least four nautical miles from the action, but whilst I winced at the tackle my main fear was that Man Utd would play it as perfectly as they did. And boy did they play it perfectly.

As Jones began his sequence of rolls away from the impact, United players in turn started streaming toward the referee from all directions. The likes of Rojo, Lingard, Darmian and Herrera might be average footballers, but they are top quality Mourinhoans, and they quickly and cynically demanded a red card for Feghouli even as Jones began his 17th roll of his routine, quietly rolled all the way out of the stadium and bumped up against the Velodrome.

Without the context of this game, I might actually have admired the ruthless cynicism of their actions. It was a perfectly constructed performance - by the time Dean drew breath he had six players around him, Jones had a make up artist applying blood splatter to his knee, Hugh Laurie was standing with a sardonic look saying "It can't be saved!", Wayne Rooney was demanding vengeance even though he wasn't playing, and a Second Unit were setting up a lighting rig behind Jones so they could better capture his agony. Only Zlatan stayed out of it, hands on hips, like the Norse God of ennui, perhaps recognising the same tactics that Mourinho employed to get him sent off for PSG against Chelsea in 2015.

It was masterful and planned to perfection and helped convince Mike Dean that the fifty-fifty challenge he had just witnessed was somehow a red card offence. No referee has ever gone hungry by choosing to side with a big team over a small team, and thus Dean took the easy way out, and after a brief period of blowback tomorrow, nobody will ever remember it. Had he given it the other way, he would have had to contend with a week of Mourinho tantrums and a media storm lasting for weeks. It's easy to criticise, but what would you choose?

Of course, I wish referees were stronger and didn't just favour big teams for an easy life, but at the same time I wish the Premier League acknowledged this was a problem and tried to do something to stop it. After all, I'm not sure that games being ruined after 15 minutes by shitty refereeing decisions is all that useful in selling those all important global TV rights.

I'd like to say it's also not fair to those paying fans in the stadium, but I'm an idealist, not a fantasist and I know no one gives a shit about us.

3. An Ice Cream War

It's hard to know what to make of a game like this, ruined as it was by the red card. Having played just 48 hours earlier and with a useless squad, Bilic made just three changes whilst Mourinho was able to make five. In truth, the opening fifteen minutes were uneventful, although we just shaded it and there was some promise in the lively looking Lanzini and Feghouli, two of the new boys.

But once we were reduced to ten men it became an exercise in attack versus defence, as Antonio was withdrawn to the wing from his central striking role and asked to do the work of two men. Elsewhere Kouyate put in a lungbusting performance all over the place, whilst Obiang reminded us all what a steadying influence he is in the middle of the park.

What we really needed was for the game to spark into life and for a few tackles to start flying in because this would have given Dean the opportunity to even things up. Sadly, Man Utd were far too cute for that and barely made a tackle for the rest of the game. Instead they harried and pressed us until we coughed up possession, and built from there. It felt like the consequence of this approach was they didn't seem to recover the ball in dangerous positions that often, which forced them into slow, laborious, often boring passages of play with little direction. I have no evidence of that though (the theory about them recovering the ball - I have lots of evidence they were boring. I nearly feel asleep at the end of the first half).

For a while the ship steadied, and Man Utd seemed content to pass it aimlessly from side to side with no penetration. Their best chance came when a clearly offside Valencia was somehow denied by Randolph from 5 yards out and Jesse Lingard hit the post from the rebound, possibly as he was in the process of uploading a video to Snapchat at the time.

At half time we could dare to dream, such was the insipid nature of the visitors play, and sure enough Antonio had two excellent second half chances to give us the lead. The second in particular, saw him run clean through at De Gea and shoot straight at him when a yard either side would have been enough. He'd have probably done better if he dropped to all fours and tried to head it in.

Shortly thereafter, Marcus Rashford ran past Havard Nordtveit like he was a slow moving defensive midfielder and not a Premier League right back, and his cross was expertly finished by Juan Mata. After that, it was twenty minutes of pointlessness until Zlatan Ibrahimovic slammed in a second to close the door on any lingering dreams of a fightback. The Swede was yards offside at the time, as were two of his teammates, but you can't be stopping the game for little things like that or we'd never get any action at all. Or something. I don't really know any more.

4. A Good Man In Africa

We're really going to miss Cheikhou Kouyate when he goes. His athleticism and general willingness to run himself into the ground has been sorely missed from our midfield this season, and has been perhaps the great unheralded reason why Noble and Payet have fallen away as they have. His ability to gather the ball and carry it long distances is gold dust, and it's been even more noticeable that we don't have the players to do this on our newer, bigger pitch.

Today he had a general roaming role, and was eventually withdrawn, exhausted, towards the end. Kouyate is best deployed in this fashion as his natural ability to cover the ground makes him a threat all over the pitch. It's been a problem for us to get high quality possession high up the field this year, and his deployment as a defender is part of the reason. Without him foraging and harrying high up the pitch, the likes of Lanzini and Payet have been receiving the ball either too deep or with their backs to goal leading to the general low quality of our attacking opportunities. Also the fact that we've played half a season without a centre forward hasn't helped, but perhaps that's a story for another time.

No offence to any of my doubtless thousands of Senegalese readers but I hope he comes back quickly from the AFCON. We need him.

I can nearly see the front row!

5. Restless

Writ large across this defeat were the failings of our summer transfer dealings once more. I know I won't win any new readers by pointing this out, but without a proper centre forward or right back we were brutally exposed once again here tonight.

To pick up on a point that I started in my Leicester article from this fucking morning (I'm with Jurgen Klopp on this - won't someone think of the bloggers!), it is wholly unsatisfying that the errors of this summer haven't led to any changes in process for this window.

Ask yourself this - if David Sullivan were to apply to any other Premier League club to be their Director of Football, would he get the job?

No is the answer, in case you're still scratching your head. Because other Premier League clubs can see his past record just as easily as we can.

Yet, because he owns the Club he will continue in that role with no apparent accountability for past failures. In what universe is this a good idea? In what other business would failure of this nature not even warrant the slightest hint of self examination?

And so as Rashford ghosted past Nordtveit, and Carroll lumbered on for twenty minutes because he can't play twice in three days, I couldn't help but wonder if somewhere in the Director's Box there was a Russian hat being bowed ever so slightly in shame. I doubt it, because self awareness doesn't seem a particularly strong Sullivan family trait, but fuck me it would be nice to imagine.

Rich Sprent gets into this in more detail at KUMB, but the reality is that every window that passes with this shambolic recruitment structure is another lost opportunity, and more ground lost to our competitors. It really is that serious. Be very afraid of that Payet £30m bid from Marseille - it might sound great, but consider who will be spending it and try and recall if you think Rigobert Song was a great replacement for Rio Ferdinand.

6. Any Human Heart

What is especially galling about this game is that buried underneath the miles of pointless running and the simmering resentment was a half decent performance. Manuel Lanzini was excellent in his midfield role, and it was no surprise that it was his perfectly weighted pass that released Antonio for the chance that should have given us the lead.

I especially enjoyed his late rasping first half effort that drew a scrambling save from De Gea as it occurred whilst Ander Herrera was injured in the centre circle having lost the ball. And I mean, actually, properly injured which in itself is a rarity. 

See, if you play computer games you can often do tricks to “unlock” a certain signature skill for particular players. Payet takes improbable free kicks, Giroud does a scorpion kick, John Stones gives it away in a dangerous area and Ander Herrera commits a niggly foul and then feigns injury. It’s his superpower, as though there is some football factory in Spain that crammed every crappy character trait of modern footballers into one snivelling midfielder, and then sold him on to Manchester United and Mourinho – his natural home. Anyway, it’s a shame Lanzini’s effort was saved as I’d have enjoyed watching Herrera sprint up to Dean demanding he acknowledge that this time he actually was injured.

Behind the diminutive Argentine, Pedro Obiang continued his excellent form. Playing up against an ultra-languid Pogba, with Carrick alongside him and a man down is no easy task but he stuck to it gamely, and the time would surely have now come for these two to be paired in midfield were it not for the AFCON robbing us of Ayew and Kouyate at the very minute we seem to have stumbled arse backwards into a formation that might have suited them. Expect Noble to return on Friday against Man City, therefore, and expect some of those old possession problems to return too.

I love Noble, for his loyalty, his dedication, his skills, his never changing haircut and his penalties, and I still see him as a valuable player, but right now a Lanzini-Obiang-Kouyate triangle in midfield would look very appealing. 

7. The Blue Afternoon

What on earth are we going to do about Dimitri Payet? Maybe this run of games was just a bit too much too quickly for a player whose pre-season basically consisted of two laps of the training pitch and some Lucozade Sport.

It's an understated point, but Payet basically plays every minute of every game for us (except for those last five minutes at Spurs, but let us never speak of that again), and that must take a physical toll on a player like him who doesn't appear, at least, to take his conditioning that seriously.

Maybe I'm doing him a disservice, but Payet hasn't looked as sharp this year as he did last, and by the end of this game he was walking around with his hands on his hips like Robert Duvall on that beach in Apocalypse Now. I'd personally give him a rest on Friday night, as the last thing he needs now is another energy sapping defeat at our soul sapping stadium. If nothing else, none of this is helping his transfer value for the now inevitable summer departure.

Are you going to do any defending, Dimitri?

I'm sure there are plenty who will be exasperated at me giving up on our season already, but I can't see any way we will beat Man City with or without Payet, and if he carries on his current form he won't help much anyway. Stick him on the bench, give him a rest and let Feghouli have the game he was robbed of here. 

8. Solo

In spite of the result here, there has been a pleasing tightening up of our back four in the last month. Most of this has been led by Winston Reid, but one can't deny that Darren Randolph has played his part. I felt he was fortunate to gain his place to begin with but since then he's been pretty decent and he pulled of a couple of excellent saves here, as well as somehow letting a Rashford drive through his hands on to the post and back out into his midriff. Such are the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I suppose. 

It is a surprise then, to hear us being constantly linked with a big money move for a keeper in the summer, such as Hart or Begovic. I say that because although I agree that teams should always look to upgrade wherever possible, when you are restrained by your budget in the way we are it makes sense to me to look for the biggest marginal gains from any such upgrade. I have no evidence to support this, but it always seems to me that goalkeeper is a place where you would need a very subpar incumbent in order to gain much obvious advantage from a new keeper. That is simply because a brilliant goalkeeper doesn't seem to save that much more than even a league average performer. 

Put another way, had De Gea and Adrian swapped teams last year, would it have made much difference? I doubt it very much, and I think De Gea is the best in the world at his position. 

That might seem daft, but remember that Petr Cech was apparently going to be worth 10 points a season to Arsenal, and then he joined and they conceded exactly the same number of goals, gained four fewer points and only finished up in second because Spurs went full Spurs at the end of last year. 

I can't say I would ever turn down the opportunity to have Joe Hart play for us, but even if he did it seems obvious to me that he would still concede plenty of goals, simply because we allow teams so many efforts on target. So, yes, upgrades are fine, but the benefit we would get from a proper right back, a fit striker and a Director of Football would far far outweigh anything we'd get from a new keeper. 

9. Waiting For Sunrise

Why is the PA system at our stadium so loud? I thought I had tinnitus for most of the first half and my ears only stopped bleeding on the hour mark when Phil Jones rolled past me on his way back to the pitch.

This game was played out in half an atmosphere, and ended up as yet another damp squib with a big team in town. Most of that can be laid at the feet of the Feghouli decision, but it should be said that it wasn't exactly rocking at kick off. I genuinely think some of that is due to the music being so deafeningly loud that people would rather stay in the concourses and finish their drinks than risk their ear drums splitting as "London Calling" is hammered out again and again, and some kids bellow out pre-match predictions on the big screens.

And the half time stuff is even louder. It was like a fucking sonic boom as the teams trudged off and the concourse at the interval resembled something out of Ypres as survivors wandered around shell shocked and desperately in need of a pie that would never come. It's a small, tiny thing but maybe if we could all hear each other there might be a bit more of a hint of an atmosphere.

Another delighted Junior Hammer

10. Sweet Caress

I read with great sadness that a 64 year old Manchester United fan died at the game tonight, having collapsed and suffered a heart attack. There isn't anything I can say at the end of this blog that will be in any way meaningful, but I shall just say that there are certain things that transcend football and life and death is one of them, irrespective of stupid Bill Shankly quotes.

I don't know the man in question, but if he was following his team away from home then it doesn't seem unreasonable to presume he was doing something he loved, and took great joy from and maybe there is some small comfort in that for his family. I doubt it, but I don't really know what else to say. May he rest in peace.

Leicester 1 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing

Adieu, 2016! You began so promisingly and tailed off like Roberto Firmino driving home for Christmas.  (And you'll remember how puritan the British media are about footballers drinking so I'm sure we haven't heard the end of that story...)

Anyway, enough about drunk Scousers - this isn't a report on our first game of 2016, when we convincingly dispatched Liverpool 2-0 - instead it's about our year ending finale when we somehow contrived to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at the home of the Champions, Man City. Arsenal. Man Utd. Wait, what the fuck...Leicester, it says here?

So heartwarming

2. That's Not How The Force Works!

Ah yes, those loveable scamps Leicester City, who won the Premier League last year with a frankly delightful mix of scintillating counterattacking football, a solid defence, homespun Italian wisdom, racism and odds defying luck. 

If you consider our own season last time round, I find it tinged with frustration. Had we got even half of the contentious decisions involving our games down the stretch, we would have ended up in the Champions League positions. Consider those awful late penalty decisions at Chelsea and Leicester, the rescinded red card for Kouyate at home to Palace, the incorrectly disallowed goal against Arsenal and so on. 

But this a game played by fans up and down the land every week. We gather around with other fans and bemoan our luck, think only of the times we played well and dream of the "what if" scenario where nothing goes wrong. It's a pointless endeavour as it fails to consider the other side of the coin, where we need to consider all those times we did get lucky. 

What is remarkable about Leicester, however, is that their "what if" story lasted for a season. Those pub conversations that we all have where we discount the possibility of bad luck and bad form and player injuries and suspensions all magically joined up. Their competitors dissolved and they won the league going away. It wasn't even close, and was as deserved a victory as we've seen for many years. 

And almost as suddenly as they arrived on the scene, they disappeared. Kind of like Sylvester Stallone when he made Copland and we all thought he was going to be a serious actor and then he just carried on as before. As an example, going into this game they were five points behind us, despite the fact that we have played most of this season on drugs. 

I can't begrudge Leicester their title win, as it was deserved and a truly remarkable story. However, their team contains some players who are very easy to dislike, and every time I see them I think how unfair life is that a thing like this could have happened to someone as seemingly unpleasant as Jamie Vardy. But mostly I just wonder if we'll get our own "what if" story one day. 

3. In My Experience, There's No Such Thing As Luck

This game proved to be an almost perfect microcosm of our season, and indeed a good example of how "what if" scenarios generally play out. Going into it, we were largely positive after three successive wins, including our 4-1 demolition of Swansea. Leicester, by contrast, were spiralling somewhat with just one win in nine league games, and Vardy suspended for a red card picked up at Stoke. Somehow though, we started appallingly and despite recovering somewhat, there was only a frustrating disappointment at the end of it all. 

The Leicester owners had actually ordered 30,000 Vardy masks for fans to wear to the previous home game against Everton, which must have been a terrifying ordeal for Shinji Okazaki. This at least gave me comfort that our owners aren't the only ones who make insufferably stupid decisions to appease their fanbase.

Chat shit, get 30,000 masks with your face on

Even without Vardy, the Foxes were all over us in the opening twenty minutes here and had plenty of chances to take the lead before they actually did so. Islam Slimani rose unchallenged to thump home an Albrighton cross after 20 minutes, which might not have been quite so frustrating if he hadn't done almost the exact same thing after 5 minutes, hitting the post on that occasion. 

There is no denying that the player most at fault for the goal was Dimitri Payet, who failed to track Albrighton and allowed him to cross unchallenged for what was ultimately the winning goal. 

At this stage, we were being outfought and out thought in the middle of the park as Danny Drinkwater was running things, and Riyaz Mahrez was finally producing some semblance of the form he showed last season. 

Randolph needed to produce a couple of excellent saves to keep it to one, and we were seemingly hanging on. Curiously though, after Michail Antonio had thumped the bar from close range, that essentially signalled the end of Leicester as an attacking threat and we remained in the ascendancy for the rest of the game. Payet and Cresswell both tested Schmeichel with free kicks, and there was a ludicrous goal mouth scramble that somehow didn't result in a goal, but largely we just piled on lots of pressure without creating clear cut enough chances to fashion the goals to win this game.  

4. Look At The Size Of That Thing

As far as the statistics go, we had 60% of the possession and 25 shots on goal and yet it's hard to say we deserved to win this game. We didn't deserve to lose either, it should be said, but then who cares what anybody deserves? What if? What if nothing. And this is why we can't win the League, just in case you're wondering. 

xG map for Leicester City - West Ham. That's some shot volume for West Ham. pic.twitter.com/4muZkzOCf7

— Caley Graphics (@Caley_graphics) December 31, 2016

This shot map from Michael Caley shows up the disparity in chances for both sides, but it's worth noting that we mustered just five attempts on target, as opposed to four for Leicester. Given that we currently appear to be operating with the level of precision usually reserved for Royal Mail it can't be too big of a surprise that we couldn't get over the line here.

5. Great Shot Kid, That Was One In A Million

If you're wondering why shots on target would be relevant, firstly - why? Secondly, here are our numbers from last year (as shown at Footcharts):

And for this year:

As you can see, we've gone from being one of the best around to being worse than Swansea, somehow. At the same time as regressing hugely in terms of how frequently we hit the target, we have also started allowing the opposition to shoot on our goal whenever they want. Generally this is not a great recipe for success unless you are West Brom, in which case I have no fucking idea what is going on.

There is a theory that if you get lots of bodies into your own box, then you can disrupt opposition shot success, and Pulis is pretty much Exhibit A for this way of thinking. Alternatively, one could also theorise that West Brom have just been very lucky and will start regressing soon, but then we'd also have to consider that both Swansea and Palace have been unlucky and will start to recover as well. That's a lot to get your head around after a big New Year celebration.

The reality is that that this one metric on it's own isn't the key indicator of anything beyond whether a team is getting enough shots on target. Which we are not.

6. What I Told You Was True, From A Certain Point Of View

One notable element of this game was the way in which the home crowd got themselves very very agitated about....everything.

Indeed, it was almost as though they had been stoked up a bit by their ownership into believing they were somehow being victimised, by giving them 30,000 masks in support of a banned player, but I'm sure the Premier League would never let that happen.

Anyway, after Robert Huth and Daniel Amartey were both fortunate to stay on the pitch after poor challenges, one might have thought they'd have considered themselves fortunate, but alas, they had gone full Goodison by this point.

Every decision was met with howls of derision, and even the most straightforward judgement by referee Anthony Taylor was greeted as though he were Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun.

Referees every Leicester game. 

I actually thought Huth's tackle was fair enough, but in this day and age anything with studs showing is asking for trouble. Also Robert Huth is a prick, so I was all up for seeing him get sent off. As it was, Payet was roundly booed for the rest of the game for having the temerity not to jump straight up having been poleaxed by the German. 

The Amartey foul, however, should have been a straight red and would surely have been picked up on review if Taylor hadn't mystifyingly given him a yellow at the time. Noble hobbled off soon after (to boos, shockingly), as he couldn't run off the knee high impact of the Ghanaian's studs, and is now a doubt for the Man Utd game. 

Havard Nordtveit then decided to get in on the act with a bonkers thigh high lunge at Ben Chilwell, which also should have been a straight red, although given his leniency up to that point Taylor could hardly have sent him off without looking foolish. 

Just to remind us what a true fairytale story Leicester are, Kaspar Schmeichel then ran 40 yards to instruct Taylor to send Nordtveit off, and got himself booked in the process. 

They're just so refreshingly different!

7. Kill Him

With Noble's departure we saw the introduction of Manuel Lanzini into the deeper role he filled so well at Spurs, and he did pretty well again. The one obvious difference between the two is that Lanzini can beat a man, and therefore he can physically carry the ball forward from midfield. He lacks Noble's defensive diligence, but that's why you have two holding midfielders and I would stick with him for the Man Utd game, although that may be a moot point if Noble is injured. 

The reality is that Noble appears to have lost a yard this season, and without the players around him playing as well as they did last year (Payet and Kouyate here, as examples) his own weaknesses become magnified. 

I don't think he's finished, by any stretch, but our midfield isn't functioning as well as it did last season and at some point Bilic might have to consider the only thing he hasn't changed is his captain. With Obiang playing so well and Kouyate and Ayew both away for a month at the AFCON, he can probably mix and match for a while, but if we ever get them all fit and in the country at the same time then the reality is that a decision will have to be made. 

If nothing else, it seems odd that the engine room of one of our best performances of the year - Spurs away - has never been revisited. 

8. You Were The Chosen One

At the same time, Dimitri Payet seems to be in a rut. His performance at Swansea was a little under par, but covered up by better displays around him, and the fact that Swansea aren't a professional football team. 

Come back. Please.

Here though, he dipped back to the level of some of his early season form. As I've said previously, even when he's playing brilliantly, Payet flits in and out of games and never seems to completely imprint himself upon matches. His peripheral nature is probably the main reason why he is playing for us and not for Real Madrid. The reality is that if he could do all he does going forward, and still track back to prevent Albrighton making his cross, then he wouldn't be at a bottom half Premier League team.

But at this point, we need the Payet of the Middlesbrough game. That guy seemed infuriated by our failings and single handedly dragged us back into the game by sheer force of personality. A sort of relaxed Hulk, if you like. 

Somehow, however, that seems to have disappeared as the season has progressed. I don't believe that he doesn't care - I've said many times that is the first refuge for fans who don't want to look any deeper at why players aren't performing - but his interventions aren't having the same impact they once did. Indeed, his 90 minutes of futility here felt like some sort of performance art homage to our season overall. Nothing really worked, it wasn't bad but it wasn't good. It just happened and nobody knows why. A bit like season 2 of Broadchurch.

Instead of immediately questioning the player though, perhaps we should be asking ourselves why his form has dipped. Is our formation designed to get the best out of him? I can't answer that, as I'm not sure that our formation is designed to get the best out of anybody, but this is what we should be asking before we simply say a player doesn't care.

We don't need Payet to show more passion, or get booked more frequently, or turn into the second coming of John Moncur, who sacrificed being a useful player for being a crowd favourite at the end of his career. Instead, we just need him to be better. 

9. The Circle Is Now Complete

With this game out of the way, the transfer window opens and all the problems of this season of futility can now be fixed!

Terrifyingly, the two players seemingly at the top of our list are Jermain Defoe and Glen Johnson. You'll remember them as being part of our 2002 relegation team, which just happens to have been 14 fucking years ago. Sadly, they are both probably pretty reasonable targets given that we don't want to spend huge sums and we have very obvious positions of need at centre forward and right back.

In an ideal world we would be using this window to buy promising young players and loan them back to their clubs before taking them in the summer. This model has worked very well elsewhere, but in order for it to work you need proper scouting and a solid league position. We have neither. It would be lovely, for instance, to think that we might pick up Moussa Dembele from Celtic, but instead he'll doubtless join Spurs for a strangely small transfer fee in the summer, and then terrorise us forever. If only he was Colombian.

Instead, we are once again scratching around for older players or loans to rescue this lost season and prop us up until the summer. And all being led by David Sullivan, a man who could only be given that job if he owned the Club, because if he had to interview for it on the strength of his track record would be laughed out of the room.

Still, Happy New Year everyone.

10. You Have Much To Learn

Anyway, I'm sure the Club are approaching the transfer window with the necessary degree of professionalism. 

It's my time to shine the next month 😉🤗 happy transfer window.

— Jack Sullivan (@jsullivanwhu) January 1, 2017

Oh for fucks sake

Swansea 1 - 4 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. I'm A Man You Don't Meet Every Day

Shane MacGowan is 59 today. The list of pop stars whom he has outlived is quite frankly baffling now.

— Jason (@NickMotown) December 25, 2016

I know it's not entirely relevant but as this is a Pogues based H List, this seemed topical. Also, you should follow @nickmotown as he's a Hammer.

2. Sit Down By The Fire

INT. - Typical Nazareth homestead, 10 AD. Ten year old JESUS CHRIST is sitting watching the football results arriving on the BBC vidiprinter. His father JOSEPH and mother MARY are sitting behind him. Jesus is wearing a West Ham shirt with "5 - Hilton" on the back. We see on their TV screen the result WEST HAM 1 - 2 EAST BETHLEHEM scroll by.

JESUS

Dad, why are West Ham so shit?

JOSEPH

I'm not your dad.

MARY

Oh Christ, not this again. 

JESUS

I wish you wouldn't say that. 

JOSEPH

So why does Steve from Aldi's keep popping by Mary?

MARY

He's bringing water!

JOSEPH

Nobody needs that much water, Mary.

MARY

We do with the amount of wine you go through.

(pointing to Jesus)

He's knackered changing it all you know.

JESUS

That's true.

JOSEPH

Would it kill you to do a Beaujolais from time to time?

JESUS

I think you're abusing my powers, I'm only ten for fucks sake. 

MARY

His language is terrible. 

JOSEPH

It's a bit late for morality now, Mary. 

Suddenly, there is a flash of lightning and the room is filled with smoke. 

MARY

I told you to change that bloody fuse. You're a waste of space. 

From the smoke the ANGEL GABRIEL emerges and stands hands on hips in front of them. 

ANGEL GABRIEL

God is most disturbed by the goings on here. He is concerned for the welfare of his son here on earth. 

JOSEPH

(muttering)

Well he's not concerned enough to pay child support is he?

ANGEL GABRIEL

I heard that - he's got cashflow issues. Anyway, what would make this Christmas brilliant?

The three family members speak simultaneously. 

JOSEPH

Beaujolais!

MARY

An Aldi delivery!

JESUS

Could West Ham ever just fucking batter someone away from home on Boxing Day?

ANGEL GABRIEL

(points to Jesus)

He's the boss. 

JOSEPH

This is bullshit. 

ANGEL GABRIEL

OK kid, just as soon as we can figure out how to do it, West Ham will play away from home on Boxing Day and they will win very comfortably. Please note that games played in Portsmouth don't count. It says so in Genesis. 

JESUS

Does it? OK, whatever. Do you think it will take long?

ANGEL GABRIEL

(mumbling under his breath)

About two thousand years and six years, to be precise.

JESUS

What was that? I want it now. It's Christmas!

JOSEPH

I knew they shouldn't have named the fucking holiday after him. 

Brilliant. And now I have to go to Swansea.

3. The Sunny Side Of The Street

And so it was that after the fixture list declared we had to play four of the best teams in the division through November, it brought balance to the Force by getting us to play three of the worst in the run up to Christmas. Burnley, Hull and Swansea were thus gift wrapped and offered up like the socks that my family seem to think me incapable of buying for myself. 

After two dismal games at home, however, it was time for us to step up and actually win a game deservedly. With Manuel Lanzini ruled out through injury, Bilic used the opportunity to push Cheikhou Kouyate back into midfield, and for the first time we saw Andre Ayew playing in the "Number 10" role that seems the best way to guarantee his presence on our plane of existence. 

With Antonio and Payet either side we looked to carry a threat all over the place, although Havard Nordtveit was brought in on the right side of a back four, as it's just not a West Ham Christmas unless someone is playing out of position at right back. 

Swansea started relatively brightly, and could have taken the lead when Borja Baston skewed an effort wide, with quite possibly the first shot he'd ever taken with his left foot. It was, however, rather symptomatic of the general overall shittiness of the home team on the day. 

Shortly thereafter, Andy Carroll rose to head a Noble cross goalward, a Swansea defender was unable to intercept it as he was wearing large clown shoes, keeper Lukasz Fabianksi failed to gather the ball as his oven gloves were still smeared in cooking oil after Christmas dinner and none other than Ayew was on hand to tap home from 2 yards. 

After becoming the first team to concede a goal to Ayew this season, the Swans understandably fell apart with shame and we never looked back. A long period of pressure before half time didn't yield the goal it should have done, but Winston Reid popped up just after half time to nod in a Payet corner and that was all she wrote. 

Antonio subsequently stuck a leg out and redirected an errant Nordtveit shot in for the third, and Carroll volleyed home a Feghouli cross for the fourth, just moments after we conceded our contractually obliged crappy late consolation goal. Thus, with that, we had taken nine points from nine and off we go to a Vardyless Leicester on New Years Eve, dreaming of four wins in a row. 

As an aside, Ayew became the 41st player to score both for and against West Ham in the Premiership, which is a record, and seems to confirm our longstanding belief that any ex Hammer will always score against us. How nice for Ayew to repay the favour here. 

3. The Body Of An American

It is entirely possible that this result might be the nail in the coffin for Bob Bradley. The American arrived in Wales to much derision, largely because of his nationality, which bemused me slightly as Tim Sherwood has managed two Premier League teams and nobody batted an eyelid. Bradley has taken a team into the knock out stages of a World Cup (finishing above England in the group stages), as well as teams in Egypt, Norway and France, and yet is dismissed because he has a weird syntax. 

I'm not advocating that Bradley is doing a good job at Swansea, but decrying his ability on the grounds that he is American is bizarre, especially as he hasn't had the opportunity to recruit a single player.

And it's not like unknown foreign managers can't do a good job over here. Arsene Wenger and Mauricio Pochettino have been remarkably successful in England, even if they are more the exception than the rule. It's just sorting Pepe Mel from Claude Puel that remains the problem for most teams. 

Returning to Bradley's woes for a moment though - since arriving at Swansea, his team have conceded 3-0-3-3-1-4-5-0-3-3-4. Yeah, wow. See ya Bob.

Working at Swindon is like being at the World Cup. If you like. 

EDIT: Swansea did it. While I was writing this. I'd have looked prescient if I wasn't so lazy.

4. Fiesta

In the absence of the injured Lanzini, Andre Ayew started just behind Andy Carroll and finally seemed to have an actual purpose to his play. Scoring a tap in after just 13 minutes surely helped, but his general link play was excellent and his ability to retain possession under pressure was invaluable at allowing us to retain the ball. 

With Carroll totally dominant in the air, Ayew and Antonio were able to run beyond him and receive the ball in the final third. This in turn allowed us to generally play higher up the pitch, and it showed in our shot locations. Once again I'm using Paul Riley's great public plateau to generate this shot map:

Hallelujah! It's a Christmas miracle!

This game is actually an object lesson in the benefit of shot locations. We had the same number of shots at goal (14) as Swansea, and the same on target (7). The difference was that ours were so much more dangerous given where we were taking them from. 

It's easy to dismiss a game like this given the incredibly low quality of the opposition, but this was a big step forward in our attacking play. The reality is that we benefitted hugely from Swansea having the defensive solidity of a sandcastle, but it's also true that we created substantially more in the second half here than we did in the previous three games combined. We can begin every sentence describing this game with "We played well but...", solely due to the quality of the opposition but I'm not going to do that today. We were supposed to batter this team and we did it. Nice one lads.

5. If I Should Fall From Grace With God

I recall going to a game once years ago when the half time entertainment consisted of a penalty shootout in front of the Bobby Moore stand. As a few kids lined up to take shots, I suddenly paid attention to who was in goal and saw that it was none other than (then) youth team star player, Jermain Defoe. Can you imagine any other professional sports team that would risk injury to a hugely valuable asset in the name of half time entertainment?

Anyway, it's therefore not like we don't have a history of using our players wildly inappropriately, and thus Havard Nordtveit played this game at right back, and did just fine. After a start shakier than the camerawork on Saving Private Ryan, he has flourished in his last few appearances and finally seems to be coming to terms with the demands of the Premier League. It's ludicrous that he is playing at right back, of course, but we've covered that before.

Up against the tricky Wayne Routledge he had a couple of hairy moments but generally did pretty well, and did enough to suggest that his versatility could be useful. With Obiang, Noble and Kouyate all ahead of him, it's hard to see him starting regularly but given we're West Ham you can always bank on some injuries, and when that happens there have been enough positives recently to suggest that Nordtveit can step up and step in.

6. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Can we please take a moment to appreciate the undervalued magnificence of Michail Antonio? I have been more than a little critical of our recent transfer dealings, but the £7m purchase of Antonio must rank as one of the best signings by anyone anywhere in the last couple of seasons.

He is currently the joint highest English scorer in the league this season, and has scored 15 goals thus far in the 2016 calendar year. For comparison Harry Kane has scored 17, and hasn't had to spend any of that time playing at right back. It's interesting that Spurs have been so hugely lauded for signing Dele Alli from MK Dons - and quite rightly so, given his excellence at such a young age - but Antonio is a signing of comparable impact.

It's been a typical pastime for us this season to bemoan the lack of a striker, but Antonio has been quietly filling his boots as we tread water until January. His 8 goals are good for joint 5th in the league, and he's produced that while playing in more positions than you'd find in the Karma Sutra. I'd imagine.

Dele Alli is better than me is he?

7. Billy's Bones

I never got to see Billy Bonds in his prime, and indeed my only childhood memories of him are as a manager. Watching grainy video of him as a 41 year old doesn't seem to be the best way to savour his brilliance, any more than it would be to learn about Keith Richards by watching him in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Also a better manager than Avram Grant

I couldn't help but see something of the spirit of Bonzo in the swashbuckling performance of Winston Reid here though. Reid always looks a bit pissed off, as though it's only just occurred to him that if he'd simply been good at rugby like every other New Zealander he could have bought himself a beach house in Auckland instead of having to live in East London, but he seemed to have a particular bee in his bonnet here.

There was a distinct "thou-shall-not-pass" feel to his performance as he repelled Swansea almost single handedly, and it was actually something of a surprise that the Swans scored at all. His form took a distinct upturn around the time of the Spurs game, and has remained steady ever since. He may be the only defender to have ever had his reputation enhanced by a 5-1 defeat, as he did after the Arsenal game, and just generally he's looked like he's regained the form that made him such a key player for us a couple of years ago.

He had no right to win the header for his goal, surrounded as he was by two defenders, and if he carries on with this kind of form we can expect to see a general improvement in our defensive performances. Of course, if Angelo Ogbonna could remember he's Italian that would also be just capital.

8. The Auld Triangle

There was something lovely about watching our attacking play here. Dimitri Payet had a Red Hot Chili Pepper of an afternoon ("give it away, give it away, give it away now") but he can generally be relied upon for artistry when we need it, and his pass to Fernandes in the build up for the third goal was a beauty.

The interchanging front three of Payet, Antonio and Ayew were miles too good for Swansea and with Carroll ahead of them to provide muscular refuge whenever they needed it, we ended up carving the home team open at will.

The problem is that few teams will be as accommodating as Swansea. There was still a noticeable lack of running into the channels, although that was offset today by the excellence of Carroll's ball retention when the ball was hit to him. Against better teams that won't work, and without Sakho we still lack the ability to stretch opposition defences between the centre halves and full backs.

All of which is to say that there might be a temptation to stand pat in the January window. As much as I am terrified about what we might do in the transfer window, I'd also argue that with Calleri and Zaza not going to play for us again, we have to get someone. Carroll is never more than ten minutes from an injury and Sakho is already ruled out for another ten weeks, so it would be gross negligence of the highest order to fail to pick up another striker next month.

9. Modern World

My last piece caused slight stir in the sense that it was eventually retweeted by none other than David Gold on Christmas Eve.

My friends found this most amusing, and in particular took great delight at the use of the phrase "a touch of humour", but I must say that I appreciated his words and the fact that he was prepared to read something that was not solely a piece in praise of the Club.

I must confess that I found it startling that anyone at West Ham would read anything I'd ever written, much less retweet it to a wider audience. My pieces generally number a readership in the hundreds, and I'm from an Irish family so you have to write off half of those as being from blood relations, but after David's intervention that number doubled.

What was even more interesting was that at the same time we were being linked to a takeover by Red Bull.  This was carried in The Sun, so naturally none of the numbers make any sense - I've never valued a company but Sullivan and Gold paid around £80m for the Club and receive around £90m per year in TV money alone so they'd quite rightly never consider selling for "just" £200m.

Naturally, having highlighted Jack Sullivan's Twitter presence as a source of embarrassment to the Club in my article, young Jack gave me a huge metaphorical "fuck you" by then revealing on Twitter that they had previously turned down a £650m bid for the Club in the summer. And good for him I suppose. He gets far more abuse online than any teenager should have to put up with, and although I am incredulous that his family allow him the profile he has, I suppose we can't deny that he clearly loves the Club.

That said, I think we're only learning about the takeover now because Jack was at Adventure Scouts that week and they don't let them have any social media apparatus while they're away.

Quite apart from the complete lack of professionalism that it shows, to reveal significant financial developments on Twitter, it baffles me that the Club continue to operate like this. I don't have an issue with Sullivan and Gold declining an offer for the Club - it's their investment after all - but how can they not see that it is totally inappropriate to have the public face of the Club be a teenager?

As for the Red Bull offer, I'm all for better management, better decision making, better on and off field performances and the other improvements that would come with their ownership. I'm also fine with playing at the Red Bull arena and being sponsored by them.

I draw the line, however, at being called RB West Ham, or a nickname of the Red Bulls. And therein lies the problem I suppose. For each of us that line will be moveable, and for those who couldn't stomach a new badge I strongly suspect that Red Bull would be a step too far.

I'll say this though - they will buy someone in England and make a success of it, just as they have done in Germany. I suspect at this point that the biggest impediment to it being us is the cost.

10. Sitting On Top Of The World

Before I sign off, I'm guessing that this will be the last H List of the year, so please allow me this moment of self indulgence. To all of you who have read, retweeted, liked, shared, commented, recommended or simply tolerated my writing this year please know that I am eternally grateful.

I probably won't need any of you anymore now that I am being retweeted by David Gold, but it is truly gratifying to hear nice comments from those of you who read my inane rantings, and I'm especially grateful to those who pass it on and recommend The H List to others.

Lastly, thanks also to Graeme Howlett at KUMB for carrying the columns over there, and to Dan Silver, Terry Land, Emily Pulham and Jacob Steinberg for their contributions here this year.

Happy New Year to you all. We're going to beat the champions before the year is over.

West Ham And The Mysterious World Of The Past

"I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past" - Thomas Jefferson, 1816

I know what you're thinking - Thomas Jefferson probably wouldn't have been quite so certain about this if he'd ever had to queue for 35 minutes to get a £4 pie - and you're probably right.

Yet, why am I drawing a not entirely obvious line between a former US president and West Ham? Because there is a video doing the rounds that seems to be stirring up a lot of opinions currently, and I must confess that most of them are baffling me. It is described as an open video to the Board but doesn't actually ask them to do anything, hence much of my confusion.

Firstly, have a look at the clip in question. It is publicly available from YouTube so I don't imagine the authors will be upset with me linking to it here.

Now I should say that none of what I'm about to write is intended as personal criticism of the creators, or indeed anybody else who feels similarly to them. I recognise a lot of things from that video; I have sat singing the Payet song on the sofa with my daughters too, I uttered an inveterate "Oh for fucks sake" when Zaza took his famous shot at Old Trafford and somehow managed to get the ball to end up behind him, I simultaneously treasure and despise the memory of Cardiff 2006, and in my mind the football I watched in my childhood has been been lent a veneer of quality by the passing of time that was not there when the games actually took place, so I get the nostalgia.

Furthermore, we all support the team in different ways and have different things that symbolise our love for our Club. If the newly revamped badge is complete anathema to you, then I'm not about to tell you to get over it. Each very much to their own. There is no wrong or right, merely differing shades of grey. Or green, if you look at the large quantities of Costco felt running round the edge of the pitch.

But as I watched that video I found my brow increasingly furrowed as I watched and listened. And as the plaudits came rolling in from the various quarters of my particular echo chamber I found myself asking the same thing repeatedly - "Why?"

"The past is a decaying memory and I do not have to relive it and empower it unless I choose to do so" - James Lee Burke, "The Tin Roof Blowdown"

I have watched the video several times now to ensure I understand it properly, and I have failed miserably as I'm pretty sure I don't understand it even remotely. It seems to be mythologising a past that never happened, or celebrating the worst parts of it.

For a start, it contains the following quotes:

"It's about...playing good football the right way, but it definitely isn't about winning"

Insert joke here - it'll be the first one ever associated with this show

Objectively I suppose this is true. Supporting West Ham hasn't very often been about winning. Watching us solely in the hope of supporting a winning team is like watching Mrs Brown's Boys and waiting for a joke to come along. But this also seems to suggest that winning is a bad thing. Like we are morally superior to other fans and that there is a purity to our support because we don't go along in the expectation of victory.

What a load of bollocks.

The years of ineptitude don't make us better fans - they make us stupid. We allowed the Cearns family and Terry Brown to feed us that line for years. "The West Ham Way" - a concept recently resurrected to very dubious purpose - was apparently all about entertainment above winning. And what a handy get out that was for the various boards of the time. Finish third, eulogise the team forever but sell the best players off immediately. Develop Rio Ferdinand and Frank Lampard? Sure, but we have to sell them to improve the ground, don't get upset though, and hey! Look at that goal Di Canio just scored.

Rinse, wash, repeat for my entire childhood. But West Ham fans are wedded to this. We are in love with a past that has constantly lacked competent leadership, ambition and success because we have become completely consumed with the idea that just being a fan is enough. Become a West Ham fan, it's a higher way of life - you get screwed over by the Premier League who are happy to take your money but do everything possible to prevent you from ever seeing your side win, and do so with the tacit support of successive boards who never had the ambition to look past that.

Sullivan, Gold and Brady seem to want to change this, and yet somehow that's a bad thing? I have no issue quibbling with their methods but criticising a board for wanting to win things is mental. And I hate to break it to you, but West Ham fans are no better or worse than any other. We love our team, and for us here, now, inside that bubble, it's a magical feeling but it's no different than it is for Manchester United fans inside theirs. We might want to believe that there is something intrinsically superior about our own support but there is not.

I have previously likened supporting Manchester United or Chelsea to going into a casino and cheering for the house, and I stand by that. The advantages those teams enjoy are so huge that I simply do not believe that there can be as much inherent satisfaction in them winning anything as there was for, say, Leicester. But that doesn't make their supporters somehow worse than us, and the sooner we get past that myth the sooner we can start demanding a bit more from our Club.

"Failure is part of our identity"

Is that true? Well, if it is then our identity is shit and the sooner we lose it the better. Why are we happy about failure? Until this season West Ham ticket prices were amongst the highest in the country, which tells me that in no way at all is acceptable for the Club to embrace failure.

I'm all for glory and playing with verve and brio but I also don't accept it as a basic tenet of our existence that Manchester United or Arsenal fans "deserve" success and we don't, just because their clubs are bigger. What bizarre crap is that? Can anyone truly say there is anything different at their very core between Manchester City and West Ham other than Emirati billions?

There's no need for this strange self flagellation - we pay good money to West Ham, to the Premier League, to Sky and everybody else in the game and our money is just as good as our neighbours. If we're not going to try and win, then what are we here for?

"The West Ham United Coffee Company"

Jesus Christ, who gives a shit? So the Club put a coffee shop in their store - like pretty much any other business of a comparable size in the Western world. Of all the things wrong with the new stadium and our new identity this is about 4 millionth on my list.

This is evil and must be stopped

I don't even know what people want - a Starbucks? A Costa? No coffee? Why are these better options than the Club making a few quid out of refreshments? Again I am forced to hark back to my childhood memories of the Club selling memorabilia out of a Portakabin and never having enough money to keep any players, and wondering what exactly it is about our past that people are eulogising over?

"You're turning your fans into consumers"

I get it, I really do. For us, going to games is not the same thing as a trip to John Lewis, or renting a car from Hertz. It is a social experience with an emotional core that transcends pretty much any relationship that we will ever have with something that can't talk back to us.

But this again is hinting at something else - that we weren't consumers already. I hate to break it to you guys but that huge stand they're currently pulling down at Upton Park was called the Dr Martens Stand. The Club had already thrown their lot in with the great corporate takeover of the post Euro 1996 years, and we were already little more than consumers anyway.

I have also seen a lot of commentary suggesting that 'real' fans are unhappy about the presence of so many day tripping tourists in the stadium. These fans presumably representing the new consumers as opposed to the old supporters.

The problem with this world view is that I just don't see much evidence of it. Having been to pretty much every game this season, despite not being a season ticket holder myself, I haven't seen these huge numbers of tourists. Instead I've seen lots of West Ham fans who can't or don't want to go to every game but still consider themselves loyal supporters.

There are plenty of reasons why fans might not be able to go to games - maybe they can't afford it, maybe they have to work, maybe they're too sick, maybe they're serving in the Armed Forces somewhere or maybe they're in jail. We could only envy them during the second half of that Hull game.

The list is long and exhaustive and the reality is that I suspect the ground is full of our core 30k support and then a rotating 20k cast of other fans from that 50k waiting list who can't go all the time.

All of which is to say that I agree that we're being treated like consumers, but I don't really see how that's a new thing.

"West Ham is about things you can't buy....identity, togetherness, love"

OK, well this is an entirely subjective area so if that's what it means to the creators of this video then I'm not about to tell them they're wrong.

It means different things to all of us, and that's perfectly fine but the bit I'm confused about is the notion that the owners of the Club don't understand these things. It's always bemused me that there are those who constantly state that Gold and Sullivan are in this for the money only. Where is the evidence of this?

OK then

They haven't cashed in on our better players and refused to invest the money, they haven't as yet encouraged any external bidders for the Club and they have done little else but put their own money into the coffers so far. It's curious that fans who pay a £1,000 a year to the Club feel that this entitles them to all sorts of leeway in what they want back, but refuse to extend the same logic to the owners and their £80m. To my mind, their failure hasn't been a lack of investment in the team, it's been in not investing properly.

Think about it - if they truly want to dispose of their holdings then it would be in their interests to drive that price as high as possible. That means higher league finishes, a better squad and, yes, a better stadium. I'm not sure why anyone would think these were bad things to be aiming at.

"Put the football first, listen to the fans"

Yeah, I don't know what this means. Here are a load of slightly impenetrable complaints about off field issues but please just concentrate on the football? What? Or alternatively, start asking fans about footballing issues? Er, no thanks.

Is Karren Brady supposed to stop trying to generate income for the Club because David Sullivan and Slaven Bilic didn't sign a right back in the summer, and couldn't recognise that Jonathan Calleri had feet comprised solely of cement?

Brady is driving the Club forward because that's her job. It's not her fault that Sullivan doesn't have the self awareness to realise he is not actually very good at identifying players, and as a result is pissing off the supporters that she is charged with keeping happy. I don't think Karren Brady looked at Michail Antonio and thought that the best use of one of our premium attacking players was to play him at right back.

So, let's ask ourselves a question - would this video have been made if we were sitting fifth in the table? I can't really answer that, but I strongly suspect not. The points raised are so nebulous that I don't actually know what it is that the makers want from the board. In fairness they have expanded more here in conversation with KUMB, but I'm still not really much the wiser.

I'm sorry chaps, but this video doesn't speak for me. I appreciate the care and attention, I respect the devotion and I understand the frustrations that led to it's creation but it isn't asking anything tangible or meaningful of the Board. All it's done is stir up a lot of anti-Board feeling around nothing. I can't see how that is helpful.

And for those commenting all over the place online about this, I'm going to keep returning to these points as well - most of the current criticism of the Club could be solved by a five game winning streak, and 95% of the criticism of Karren Brady is rendered invalid by the misogynist bullshit that accompanies it. If you can't make your point with referring to her gender then you have no point worth making.

"Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space" - Johnny Cash

He seems sensible - let's take his advice

Now before anyone labels me as a stooge for the board or an apologist for the stadium fuck ups, let me say this; there is a metric tonne of stuff the Board could do to help themselves and try to reduce some of the current enmity that surrounds the place. In no particular order:

1. Appoint an experienced Director of Football to oversee all elements of the footballing side of the Club. 

Ralf Rangnick - the man behind RB Leipzig's meteoric rise in Germany - would do nicely but here on planet Earth we might have to set our sights a little lower.

We desperately need to move away from the agent led recruitment of Sullivan, and put in place someone with an understanding of analytics and how to mix old and new school scouting. Let's stop signing players due to them having good YouTube highlight packages, basically. At the same time we could invest properly into the youth system and establish an Academy that delivers first team ready players to the manager, already accustomed to playing in the style of the first team.

Giving up this role to someone who actually knows what they're doing would also allow David Sullivan to return to the normal duties of a Premier League chairman such as producing films about the Krays.

2. Swallow the bitter taste of hubris and accept that parts of the stadium move have been a disaster. 

Whilst chatting about this with fellow Hammers @LeBigHouse and @AMoCS we agreed that there is an incredible problem with the tone that the Club take over the Stadium move. They are increasingly resembling The Day Today's pool supervisor and his lament that people choose only to focus on the deaths that have occurred under his watch and nothing else.

The move has had lots of issues and if we were treated like grown ups and the Club just admitted this I think they might find that this single gesture of ordinary human behaviour might generate some actual bona fide goodwill. And boy do they need it, especially with Spurs building a stadium that their fans will actually want to go to, just up the road.

It's hard to know how much of the stadium fit out is the responsibility of the Club and how much is the stadium owners, but either way it's a little bit like a film set. It looks great but don't stare too long or you'll see that it's really just a good looking approximation of the real thing.

So, yes if you want us to be customers then you can't just ignore the concept of customer service. You can't really have one without the other. Like Palace and terrible managers.

Just try it Karren - "Hey guys, I'm really sorry about this but yeah, the concessions are a bit of a nightmare aren't they? It probably shouldn't take 30 minutes to get a pie. We'll sort that out. Give us some time". 

You might be surprised what that gets you.

3. Take away young Jack's Twitter password. 

It's embarrassing to the Club that he is a quasi official mouthpiece who is confirming major signings in one Tweet and then supporting Donald Trump as President in the next.

We've now reached a point where we have to wait for young Jack to finish double chemistry in the afternoon before we get confirmation that our new signing has passed his medical. Gosh, it's just like Real Madrid.

If that's not possible then how about reassigning him to do something useful. He could tweet about the West Ham Ladies team, who could really do with the publicity, or alternatively about the Club's various charitable endeavours to try and highlight the community work being done.

There is something glorious about the fact that the Clubs public response to this video has been for Jack to send them an email. After all, when we make a complaint who among us isn't delighted to have our concerns addressed by a teenager on work experience?

4. Get some proper dialogue with fans to address the day to day experience of being a supporter. 

Bear in mind that this is a borderline impossible task as no one fan can accurately reflect the views of thousands. I'm pretty sure that the Supporters Advisory Board was supposed to do this, but I have no idea what they do so I suppose there is room for improvement in their communication if nothing else.

There is a thread here on KUMB that asks fans to contribute to a new ten point plan. There are some things there that I agree with and plenty that I don't, but it's a start and there are some tangible things that the Board can actually address. As an example, if it is truly this difficult for our disabled fans to get to games that is a really easy win.

5. Lose the running track

Best of luck with that. It would solve an enormous number of the problems though.

6. Sort out the Clubs public image. It's horrendous. 

You know what we need? A slick PR professional, who is a West Ham fan, understands the sensibilities of the ordinary fan and has the time on his hands to commit fully to the job.

You guys, I think I know the answer:

Out of Europe in June? I know the fucking feeling lads