Aston Villa 3 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Back! And Better Than Ever! If By "Better" You Mean "Much The Same As Before!"

This performance was so utterly, objectionably, abysmally abject that I rather suspect Naomi Campbell will be required to testify about it at The Hague by the end of the week.

2. What Naomi Saw

"Yes. It's rather an inconvenience to me that West Ham still can't fucking defend"

3. The Opposition

Although I may be somewhat unkind about Stewart Downing from time to time, I would like to think I can still recognise a good opposition team when I see one. Villa looked so much better than us in this game it was really a miracle that we only lost by three. They hit the bar twice, the post once and Ashley Young switched boots with Downing at half time and missed from a yard in the second half. All in all we were battered.

Perhaps the most galling aspect of this defeat is that Villa are currently being managed by Kevin MacDonald, who as far as I know was in charge of their ticket office before unexpectedly being given the reins when Martin O'Neill had his latest wobble. There is something so depressingly familiar about watching us subside at the first sign of pressure when apparently it's the opposition who are supposed to be in turmoil. I mean, seriously - allowing Stewart Downing to score (even if it was offside) - that's just amateurish.

I'm not sure this game gives us any great insight into Villa, on the grounds that most teams they meet this year will have a little more backbone to them than we displayed. Of course their biggest problem is the imminent departure of James Milner who seems set to join Man City for no less than £20m plus Stephen Ireland. The notion of paying Twenty Million for Milner only seems sensible to me if you are talking about Turkish Lira but I guess good sense has long since departed the English transfer market. Ireland is a good player and I rather think Villa will be fine this year, although I can't see anything much above 7th.

4. The Statistics

Despite not really wanting to, I forced myself to look at the ESPN Gamecast and thoroughly depressed myself in the process. You can suffer too if you want.

Apparently my attempted eye gouging may have worked somewhat as I must have missed pretty much all of our surprisingly high 14 attempts at goal. Slightly less surprisingly, just one was on target, and that was a right footed scuffler from Luis Boa Morte. Villa, by contrast had 27 (!) efforts which led to a, still eye bleedingly low, total of 5 on target. Still, they scored from 3 of them so I shall not mock too much.

I dunno, not much to see here as they really did hammer us. If you are unsure about this, consider that by the time we had our first goal attempt after 26 minutes, Villa had had 8 of their own, and scored. Yeah, I think they edged it.

5. Adventures In Formation

Our best two chances feel either side of the break and involved some egregious finishing from our wide players. The aforementioned Boa Morte chance was squandered not just due to poor technique but also because at the time Luis was underhitting his shot, Carlton Cole was standing alone on the 6 yard line waiting for the ball to be squared to him.

Later in the second half, Cole was involved in creating a great chance for Julien Faubert that would have brought us back into the game at 2-1. Sadly, Faubert slotted it calmly past the post and the moment was gone. Most irritating of all was that had Faubert used his left foot, his chest, his nose, harsh language or indeed any other method for propelling the ball forward he would almost certainly have scored, such was the nature of the chance.

This highlights something of a problem with the 4-5-1 method in so much as it does rely heavily on the two wide men getting forward to support the isolated Cole. Now that's a fine idea when your two wingers are Joe Cole and Arjen Robben. When they are Faubert and Boa Morte it doesn't seem quite so potent. Between them these two have played 131 league games for us and scored 3 times. And one of those was against Hull so I'm not even sure the Premier League actually count that.

I am sure the longer term plan is to mix them up with Pablo Barerra and Kieron Dyer but for an opening game it was somewhat disheartening to see us put out a team with almost no attacking threat.

6. Out With The Old, And Back In With It Again

On that last point, I have to say I found it deflating in the extreme that having spent the best part of £10m on new players we still lined up with more or less the same team who performed so abjectly last year. Our midfield 5 of Faubert, Parker, Noble, Kovac and Boa Morte is a thoroughly uninspiring group that is long on perspiration and short on pretty much any other kind of "-ation".

The starting XI on Saturday had a combined 51 league goals for West Ham, with Cole (26) and Noble (10) being responsible for most of them. By contrast Carew and Young had 60 between them for Villa, and even after just 5 minutes of this game it was impossible to ignore the difference in attacking potency between the two teams. This was best characterised by the fact that Carew and Milner between them mustered 13 efforts on our goal whilst Cole, for example, managed just one.

7. First Day At Work

"West Ham defenders - God's little practical joke on football managers"

8. Right Said Fred

I see Freddie Sears was on the bench for this game. I suspect this was Grant's way of trying to subtly suggest to our supporters that maybe they should temper their expectations for the year. In fact, as far as statements of intent go it was rather suggesting that you get your expectations, wrap them neatly in a brown bag, sellotape them in for safety and then put them under the bed with all your other footballing hopes and dreams.

Perhaps you can get them out again in 2013 when we will be firmly ensconced in the Olympic stadium and filling it with 58,000 fans every week. Apparently.

9. The Future

As appalling as we were in this match it's hard to get too worked up with just one game gone. Even though Blackpool won 4-1 at Wigan it's hard to think that they and the other promoted sides won't struggle and with other dross around like Blackburn and Bolton it doesn't seem to outrageous to think we could finish 5th bottom this year.

Because, obviously, with the 6th highest priced season ticket in the League this is exactly how I like to think of my team.

Anyway, sample size is everything when performing analysis so let's withhold judgement on Grant, Winston Reid, Pablo Barerra et al until they have at least been knocked out of the Cup by Oxford. For instance, it might be tempting to suggest that Reid looked every inch a man who had learned his trade at the hands of footballing powerhouses New Zealand Soccer and Brondby FC, but let's give the guy more than 1 game to rush to judgement, especially as he is apparently more a centre back than right back.

10. Just Because

Aston Villa vs West Ham : Match Preview - 14 August 2010

1. The New West Ham. Just Like The Old West Ham, But With A Bigger Logo

As I wandered through the heaving urban metropolis that is south Romford on my way to the station this morning, I happened to glance up at the large revolving advertising board that helps to give South Street it's Parisian air of late 60's joie de vivre.

To my surprise I saw a large picture of Scott Parker glancing down, encouraging me to buy up some tickets for the new season. Sadly, in rather typical West Ham fashion, as the board revolved several of the panels remained stuck, meaning that Scott's chiselled features were rather weirdly mixed in with that new Milky Bar kid, giving the whole thing a slightly Mary Shelley feel. Naturally, the details of how you actually buy the tickets are also hidden. The more things change etc...

None the less, I applaud the Club's apparent desire to reach back out to it's traditional heartlands and wrest back some of the territory that was shamefully ceded to the likes of tottenham and Chelsea under Duxbury. Somewhat predictably, the execution is a little lacking, but it seems an apposite reminder of the difference between the Icelandic asset strippers and the new Gold/Sullivan/Brady triumvirate.

At this point, of course, I have very little idea as to whether our new owners are going to be any better than, say, Terry Brown. It doesn't strike me as all that sensible to suggest renaming the team within days of taking over as CEO (Brady), or firing out statements suggesting the whole squad is up for sale (Sullivan) or apparently accepting that any move to the Olympic Stadium will include a running track (Gold), but then again, what do I know about running a football club. The debt is down, we haven't sold anyone yet this summer, and nobody appears to be listening to Scott Duxbury. Things are looking up.

2. New Boys

The signing of Mexican winger Pablo Barrera is arguably the most exciting signing made by the Club for some time. On the one hand, the acquisition of young, pacy players who have performed well at the World Cup is a sure sign that our transfer policy might well be moving in the right direction...

3. On The Other Hand...

4. New Boys Cont...

Barrera aside, I am positively drooling over the prospect of Thomas Hitzlsperger slotting into our Scott Parker shaped midfield. Not only because he had been a regular member of the brilliant German squad that graced South Africa 2010, but because he will presumably take some of the load off the aforementioned Parker. I am less excited about the prospect of how often his name is going to be misspelled on the various West Ham internet forums who were previously unable to cope with "Don Hutchison", but I will put up with all your grammatical incompetence.

Naturally, Hitzlsperger was injured playing for Germany on Wednesday and is thus unlikely to feature at Villa, but leaving aside our ongoing susceptibility to opposition voodoo dolls, I rather suspect he will be an excellent addition to the squad.

Whether he will be joined in the starting XI by Frederic Piquionne seems unlikely as the ex Pompey striker seems like a dead cert late game replacement for Cole, and little else. In addition, the 3 year contract given out to the 31 year old seems like a somewhat regressive move when you consider that we have already saddled ourselves with Benni McCarthy's Atkins Diet for the next 2 years aswell.

Elsewhere, defensive new boys Tal Ben Haim and Winston Reid are welcome, if slightly unexpected additions. Haim, is a real Boltonian defender with a "Fuck No" approach to allowing strikers to walk unaided, whilst Reid, is a New Zealander, thus meaning that all my wife's friends and acquaintances now feel qualified to comment on West Ham. Marvellous.

5. The Boss

Avram Grant has had a unique few years in England. His initial foray as a Manager began with Chelsea whom he led to within a tear stained John Terry penalty of the Champions League title. Sadly for Avram, and mercifully for all the millions of people who openly despise John Terry, it was not to be and he won neither the League or the CL.

Despite the late season resurgence he engineered, Grant was largely damned with faint praise as various experts queued up to opine that any carbon based life form with a pulse and a functioning cortex (so not Sam Allardyce, presumably) should be able to get Chelsea into a Champions League final.

The fact that he remains the only Chelsea manager to achieve this feat does rather refute this argument, but no British football pundit ever let facts get in the way of a good myth.

Strangely, he was then largely held to be exempt from blame as Portsmouth slipped to an ignominious relegation last year. The common thread seems to be that Grant has inherited a couple of situations that required salvaging and has never had an English team to completely call his own. Presumably, we will be that team and one would like to think a manager of Grant's experience will be able to move us away from the dead men at the foot of the table.

Whether anything higher is a realistic expectation remains to be seen, and will presumably depend greatly on who is sold between now and the end of the transfer window (*).

(*) Except for Freddie Sears of course, who will never again have any kind of conceivable impact in any of our lives unless he runs over your cat.

6. Token Haka

"Nutmeg this, muthafucka" says Winston Reid

7. The History

Our recent past with Villa has been somewhat chequered as we mixed up a last minute win in November last year, with several draws and one game in which we apparently allowed Craig Gardener to score the winner, as impossible as that sounds.

Zavon Hines was the unlikely hero last year as he popped up with a last minute winner that was naturally followed shortly thereafter with a season ending injury.

The most recent genuinely one sided game between us involved a 4-0 win and a Marlon Harewood hat trick on September 12 2005. This was also the day that England regained the Ashes at the Oval, and if you put those two events together you realise that obviously London had slipped through some kind of hole in the fabric of time and space that particular day.

Incidentally, we followed that up by selling Villa Nigel Reo-Coker and Harewood for a combined £13m deal that presumably contravened several clauses of the Trades Description Act, the Geneva Convention and the Magna Carta.

"Hey Randy, I think I have a Benni McCarthy out the back that might suit you..."

8. The Opposition

"Wait, what? You're saying I CAN'T bankrupt the Club?"

Incredibly we aren't the Premier League club in most disarray going into the new season, as Villa have coolly swiped our long held title by spectacularly imploding on the verge of this game. Martin O'Neill, their much admired boss, surprisingly stepped down this week after owner Randy Lerner revealed that he wasn't going to allow him to piss the utterly incredible £20m they are going to get for James Milner up the nearest wall. Here's the transcript of their discussion:

Martin: "Hey Randy, can I have that £20m?"
Randy: "Sure. Well, not all of it obviously, but you can have some of it"
Martin: "Why can't I have all of it?"
Randy: "Because we owe about £100m to our various creditors. That's quite a lot of money."
Martin: "How come we owe that much?"
Randy: "Remember that time you spent £13m on Nigel Reo-Coker and Marlon Harewood?"
Martin: "Not really Randy - that was a loooong fucking lunch if you get my drift"
Randy: "Yeah, well, I have to keep paying those guys Martin. Seriously. It costs a lot of money"
Martin: "Right, sure, I understand but that doesn't explain why I can't have the £20m to replace Milner"
Randy: "Again, I say, Marlon. Harewood"
Martin: "Well that's not fair. Say something else"
Randy: "Curtis Davies. Nicky Shorey. Steve Sidwell? How about Heskey? Emile Fucking Ivanhoe Heskey. You just leave these guys in the reserves - I have to pay them"
Martin: "You know what Randy, I've had enough of you Yank owners and all your talk of debt. I'm off. And I'm going to wait for the Man Utd job. Things will be different there...!"

In case you can't tell, I'm siding with Lerner. £20m for Milner is such a ridiculous sum that no one in their right mind could feasibly turn it down. Milner isn't that difficult to replace and the pesky thing about debts is that you do eventually need to repay them.

Of course, O'Neill is intelligent and erudite and understands that just as well as me. He is simply the latest manager to bump his head up against the glass ceiling imposed by UEFA and the G14 whereby "ordinary" Clubs are instructed to lower their debts even as UEFA funnel more money to the Champions League clubs, conveniently widening the divide between the two.

He cannot compete financially with tottenham or Man City so even finishing in a UEFA Cup spot becomes a distant dream for the likes of Villa (or indeed us, should we ever progress past fucking Stoke in the table). Thus, I guess it has to be hard getting of bed in the morning when all you can see is debt repayment for the foreseeable future.

Still, £8m for Curtis Davies. Wow.

9. Opening Day Whatever The Opposite Is Of Blues

Yeah, but what you're really asking is "What do we normally do on opening day?It's statistically relevant, man!"

Well, in reverse order since we returned to the Premier League:

Wolves (a) - W: 2-0
Wigan (h) - W: 2-1
Man City (h) - L: 0-2
Charlton (h) - W: 3-1
Blackburn (h) - W: 3-1

So, actually, we're pretty good starters since you ask. This is largely helped by the fact that we have played some pretty moderate opposition at home and, well, Wolves.

Tomorrows game constitutes our most difficult opener for some time, even with Villa being in disarray and fielding Stewart Downing in a, presumably, post modern ironic kind of way. Ho hum. I'm glad the football season is starting again.

10. The H List

We're back! And perhaps determined to be a bit more punctual than before. Who knows - we're not like David Sullivan and are perfectly willing to make promises to you and break them, but we will definitely try to be a more frequent visitor to your inbox or Twitter feed...

Aston Villa vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 17/01/2010

1. Opposition

Our travels this weekend take us to Villa Park, home of Aston Villa and hopeful locale of Champions League football next season.

Aston Villa are one of those few sides with the realistic ambition and ability to break into the Top Four. They currently lie 5th, two points ahead of Liverpool, two behind tottenham and three adrift of Man City.

Recent losses to Liverpool and Arsenal will not help their cause, but they have been largely solid this season, notching some notable wins against Chelsea and Man United.

Villa play some attractive football and Martin O’Neill’s side are commendably trying to attain success in the right way. They have pace upfront (Ashley Young, James Milner and Gabriel Agbonlahor), are solid at the back (Brad Friedel, Richard Dunne and Carlos Cuellar), and have the option of a release ball via big target man, John Carew.

Forgotten man Stewart Downing is also on the comeback trail and adds another option to a dynamic midfield, even though he’s rubbish. He does, however, have a worrying habit of scoring against us.

Villa haven’t played in the League this year, as their last two matches have both been postponed. They will be as fresh as Headhammer Shark’s morning donuts, which are about as fresh as it gets – he just drinks the batter.

2. History

Last season’s trip to Villa Park ended in a 1-1 draw, as a hallowed gust briefly reconstituted the charred remains of Diego Tristan just long enough for what appeared to be a boot to prod home a wayward effort by the revived Kieron Dyer, himself unwittingly jarred into action by the physio’s defibrillator.

Emile Heskey had put Villa one up after ten minutes, but they were left to rue their profligacy after both Heskey and Young hit the post in the first half.

Overall, Villa deserved the points, although we had our chances - Junior Stanislas notably twice going close early on. Indeed, we had a chance to win it at the end as Mark Noble’s deflected goal-bound effort produced a fine save by a lantern-jawed silverback gorilla masquerading as Brad Friedel.

Trips to Villa Park are generally tame affairs, with the game either drawn or settled by the odd goal.

3. You Take The High Road...

It wasn’t so long ago that ourselves and Aston Villa were comparable clubs. From one season to the next we could continually be relied upon to finish anywhere between 7th and 17th, a brief run of results invariably being all that would separate the two sides.

Both teams enjoyed significant investment around the same time, Villa thanks to American billionaire, Randy Lerner, and ourselves courtesy of a bunch of Nordic incompetents with a dishevelled abacus.

Our paths seemed to diverge around the time that both clubs were attempting to lure Ashley Young away from Vicarage Road.

Alan Pardew had cited Young and did his best to prize another gifted young player from the Championship to a club with more prospect of a prolonged stay in the top flight, much as he had done with Hayden Mullins and Nigel Reo-Coker.

Martin O’Neill offered a probable larger salary, a record of greater stability and his own unique enthusiasm. Pardew probably had his eyes on Young’s girlfriend.

Pardew never got the chance to follow through on his interest, although we still bid £10million for Young a month after our erstwhile manager got the chop. Young rejected the move, opting to sign for Villa for just over £9million and in the intervening years they have both gone from strength to strength.

With Curbishley at the helm, we proceeded to pilfer £20million on a host of has-been invalids, and the rest is history.

4. Postponements

Much to the chagrin of fantasy football managers everywhere, the majority of last weekend’s programme was postponed due to the inclement weather, both our match against Wolves and Villa’s trip to Wigan among the victims.

In hindsight, this was probably a good thing, providing a chance for a few players in or loitering outside the treatment rooms the opportunity for another week’s recovery. Alternately, it afforded other players the chance to injure themselves in training, a’ la Guillermo Franco.

Whether the possibility to initiate some momentum with an easy home tie against Villa’s poor relations prior to an altogether more testing match this weekend was an opportunity missed, we’ll never know.

I’m inclined to think that the extra rest will serve us better, and who’s to say that a morale-crushing defeat to Wolves wouldn’t have precipitated an irrevocable decline?

5. Picture Book

'How's that bench-warming working out for you, Nige?'

6. You Couldn't Make It Up

Whether I am being insular in my appraisal, I’m not sure, but West Ham fans must face more obstacles between themselves and even modest trinkets of success than most any others.

Not only have we dominated any and all press coverage about football’s financial mismanagement, but now we must even stare down meddlesome Death itself.

Just as the tireless tale of our prospective ownership seemed to be winding its way to some sort of conclusion, the CEO of one of the prospective buyers goes and dies at the weekend, casting more doubt on proceedings.

Churlish of me, perhaps – a man has died after all - but I know of no other club forced to contend with such morbid, finite concepts.

7. Transfer Targets

As has been the case for about 35-years, a striker is atop our fanciful wish list, should Scott Duxbury manage to get a few hundred quid for Kenny Brown’s clapped out Ford Capri, having buffed out the scratches sustained during Kenny’s ill-advised drag race with Gary Charles.

A few names have been touted, among them Stoke City’s James Beattie (not least by this blog a few weeks ago), Monaco’s Eidur Gudjohnsen (not least by this blog a few years ago), Portuguese veteran, Nuno Gomes, and Fiorentina’s ex-Chelsea coke-head, Adrian Mutu.

Gomes will be looking to boost his chances of an appearance at the World Cup, and while he may look fifteen, he will actually turn thirty-four during this summer’s international showpiece.

He has a decent scoring record at both international and Portuguese domestic level, but failed to shine during his spell at Fiorentina, having been signed after an impressive Euro 2000 tournament.

Gudjohnsen has been linked with us before, but opted to dissipate into the wilderness of Ligue 1, making just seven starts for Monaco this season. Old comrade Franco Zola may be able to tempt him over, but with his waning class and without the World Cup motivation of a Franco or Gomes, do we need a reluctant striker with a grating goal celebration?

Adrian Mutu is obviously just coming over to cosy up to good ol’ Luis Boa Morte and his big bag of barbiturates.

8. Turkish Delight

You may know that I don’t subscribe to HeadHammer Shark’s blind adoration of our departed captain, Lucas Neill.

It therefore comes as little wonder to me that the avaricious tugboat has declared three months on Merseyside to be quite enough and that he is to immediately join Galatasaray on an 18-month deal.

Neill has expressed “surprise” at signing for “a massive European Club”, although his shock can only stem from the personal astonishment that he managed to stick it out at Everton for so long without his Fabergé egg and chips being presented to him hourly by King Midas.

Aston Villa 1 - 1 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Hello, I Think I Remember You

Eagle eyed readers will note that the H List has been updated much less frequently of late. The non observant types will hardly have seen any discernible difference to the normal output, as we have been producing articles with Halleys Comet like regularity since the turn of the year.

There are two reasons for our lethargy. Firstly, The Boleyn Beluga has been celebrating his 30th birthday. I use the past tense as the big day was actually in March. He has therefore been "celebrating" like a Roman Emperor with a month long parade of orgies, games and grapes.

Secondly, Mrs Shark delivered Miss Shark Junior Mk III a week ago. In the lead up to this momentous event she did what all expectant mothers do - she had me dig up and relay our back lawn. She was even kind enough to lay on 10 cubic metres of soil for me to shovel and wheelbarrow from the front of my house to the back. All of which took a piffling four days.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Mostly because I need to explain to you why there was no report for the 90 minute shitefest that was our performance at tottenham. And there you have it - I was shovelling dirt. And it was better than watching the game.

Short version - this will be a truncated H List.

2. When Finishing 7th Was Suddenly Like Winning

Due to the strange machinations of the English league and Cup system, we could finish 7th this year and qualify for the newly created Europa League. This will replace the much maligned UEFA Cup, although not in any way that could be considered "good". It has more games, no prize money and exists solely to add comfort to those clubs who bow out of the Champions League early in the piece. (I swear to God that I write stuff like this and wonder why on earth we accept the ridiculous structure of European football, simply so that we can maintain the status quo for the odious G14. There is a revolution coming my friends...).

Anyway, we have been clinging on grimly to 7th spot for a while, although our mounting injury list is making this a task of great difficulty. There has been quite some debate around whether our pursuit of a European adventure is even a worthwhile activity given that we are now operating with a squad of 8 plus the children of the coaching staff, and are therefore unlikely to be able to muster any kind of European run without seriously compromising our league position. A sound example of this would be Villa themselves who sacrificed the UEFA Cup in pursuit of the Champions League this year, only to find themselves shunted aside by the bigger boys at the end of the season. Still, if you will concede goals to Diego Tristan you can't complain too much.

3. Diego Tristan Sighting!

With only a few minutes remaining of this match Kieron Dyer attempted a volley from the edge of the box. Perhaps stunned by the sight of a non incubated Dyer, the Villa defence didn't mark the remains of Diego Tristan who was able to cleverly redirect the shot into the net using just his head and a Faustian pact.

I have no doubt that prolonged exposure to Diego Tristan is likely to be curtains for my respiratory system, and the death knell for our European ambitions, but I suppose that in the context of our current injury crisis he's doing a fairly passable job in the circumstances. That said, I'm still pretty sure that he only exists to make me think that David di Michele isn't that bad.

4. Formation Blues

I see we're still persisting with the notion of playing all of our players totally out of position. Intriguingly, I would say that Lucas Neill turned in his best performance of the year here, combining a barnstorming captains display with a prolonged bout of kicking the odious Ashley Young as well. He did all of this from central midfield, although he was switched to right back when Collins hobbled off. As far as central midfielders go Lucas Neill makes a decent full back but anyway - Bravo!

5. Them Kids

Good to see Junior Stanislas burst straight through the middle of Villa's defence early on. Less good to see him channel the spirit of Franz Carr and blaze it wide when all Newtonian Laws seemed to suggest that was fairly impossible. I like the look of Stanislas - with some seasoning and a bit more bulk I can see him as an impactful sort.

Elsewhere James Tomkins denied John Carew late in the game by scooping the ball away with his hands. My immediate thought is that the beginning of that action had to have been accidental because, frankly, what professional footballer sees a striker run through and thinks to himself "I'll just grab the ball with my hands". ? No matter how partisan you are, that would have to be a strange thought process.

Still - he definitely handled and it certainly should have been a penalty. Hurray for brazenness and poor refereeing sightlines, and don't do it again.

6. The Case For The Defence

I'd love to be able to dissect for you the Aston Villa goal, but frankly I cannot comment on a defensive alignment that I have never seen before. Namely - a set up that allowed Heskey to meander unmolested through our penalty area to score from all of 5 yards out. We resembled less a professional football team and more a random collection of electrons at that point.

Kudos to Robert Green for a marvellous save from Heskey in the second half. Of course, he might very well be of the same opinion as me, which is that if you allow Emile Heskey to score twice past you in the same game then you should kill yourself. So he would have had strong motivation.

7. I See Your Smoke, But Where Are The Mirrors?

Really and truly, what more is left to say about our management team that hasn't already been articulated elsewhere? Consider the paper thin nature of this team, and yet by the end of the game I was disappointed that we hadn't won. And this against a Villa side who have been excellent, if lucky, for much of the season.

I see that strike force and wonder how on earth we ever score a goal, I see the midfield and wonder how we don't get prosecuted under the Trades Description Act, and I look at the defence and frequently think "You're going to be busy today chaps". And yet there we are in 7th.

Look, it's not even one full season, and it's easy to be suckered in by a good start (see Roeder, G) but I can't help but admire Zola's persistence in his belief about the way we should play, and I love the discipline that is so evident in our game since Clarke's arrival. Sure, they might disappear off to Chelsea in a couple of years, but in order to get there they will have to achieve success here first. One cannot happen without the other, so I suggest ditching the petty refusal to accept Zola, and instead savour a West Ham side playing attractive football. It's been quite some time folks ...

West Ham 0 - 1 Aston Villa (And Other Ramblings)

1. Home Comforts

It would, I feel, be an invigorating sensation to attend a West Ham game and believe that we were going to win. It would be an even greater notion to leave one of our home games without wanting to lop off a limb.

Say whatever you want about the recent performances but this has been a murderous run of fixtures.

2. What To Say?

I have little or no idea where to begin writing this report. I'm not sure that I have ever experienced as dispiriting a run of results as these last few, even allowing for the high (ish) quality nature of the opposition.

Is Zola the reincarnation of Glenn Roeder? Is Carlton Cole the worst finisher in the cosmos? Did we really allow Jamie O'Hara to score against us? Valid questions all, but I suppose we should begin any real analysis with the facts.

We are hovering above the relegation places, with Manchester City all set to unleash the power of the Arabian dollar in January. We have mustered a solitary win in our last 12 games, scoring a Roederian 3 times in the process. At home things are even worse with no win since September, and a risible 2 goals scored in the process.

All the while Scott Duxbury and his merry band of idiots wait, poised to begin selling off even more of the family silver as soon as the tills are open in January.

Even in the disastrous relagation season of 2002/03, the board weren't idiotic enough to sell any valuable players in January, and indeed we picked up Rufus Brevett, Les Ferdinand and Lee Bowyer to varying degrees of success. This time around, all signs point towards us disposing of our better players to rescue our penurious owner, and replacing them with some Italian guys that Zola met when he was helping with the Italian Under 21's. This is a foolproof plan because Italian strikers always do well in England, but strangely the fans aren't sold. It would seem that if we have to have non scoring strikers, then we want them to be OUR non scoring strikers.

2a. Mentioning No Names

"And for my next trick I'm going to put it over that stand"

3. The Statistics

With all of the above vented, it doesn't help when you reflect solely on this game and realise how much we dominated a reasonably decent Villa side. Per the ESPN gamecast we had no less than 64% of the ball, which we turned into 20 shots at goal, with a not terrible 8 on target. Contrast that with the visitors 11 efforts, of which just 2 were on target.

It should tell you something about our current luck, that both of those on target efforts were saved, and we still lost 1-0.

Any search for the reason for tonights listlessness in front of goal can probably be explained when one considers that of those 20 goal attempts no less than half were made by Carlton Cole and Calum Davenport. I mean, Jesus, that just hurts my spleen.

4. The Opposition

My intial thought is that if this Villa team can get to third in the league then anyone can. The fabled Agbonlahor/Young partnership looked pretty average to me, and apart from a couple of dicey moments in the first half (largely brought on by Scott Parker seemingly having a stroke of some description after twenty minutes), there was little by way of attacking threat.

That said, they had enough to hold us out for 78 minutes, whereupon they scored The Shittiest Goal. Ever. Anytime the opposition looked embarrased to celebrate a goal then you've probably been a tad unfortunate.

I have a huge amount of time for Martin O'Neill, and in making Aston Villa interesting he has achieved something of a feat of nature. But I do not see this team living in the Champions League anytime soon. Not that there is any shame in that - the Premier League is designed to make sure that the likes of Aston Villa, and heaven forbid West Ham, do not break up the cosy entente cordiale at the the top - but realistic expectations for now probably revolve around UEFA Cup progress.

And let's face it, he can't be that bad a manager when his back 4 contains 1 (one!) professional footballer. I do not know why Cuellar, Davies and Young are in the team but I'm guessing it must involve incrimating lithographs.

5. The Referee

After last weeks shenanigans at Stamford Bridge, when Mike Riley officiated the match wearing a Chelsea pyjama set and carrying an autograph book, it was nice to have an anonymous referee.

Mark Halsey's only real impact was to book Craig Bellamy for dissent, meaning that his inevitable suspension will coincide exactly with the first winnable match we will have in two months (28 December at home to Stoke).

Even then, I can't be too critical. After all let's face it, the prospect of Bellamy mouthing off doesn't strike me as the most outlandish thing I have ever heard.

6. The Way We Now Block Crosses. Apparently

"Herita Ilunga gets set to face up to another right wing cross"

7. The Case For The Defence

Interesting developments over the last few weeks as our once porous defence has suddenly tightened up considerably. Note that we have now played all of the traditional big 4, conceding just 5 goals in the process, whilst at the same time we have played West Brom, Blackburn, Manchester City and tottenham (the bottom 4 minus us) and have conceded no less than 9 times in the process.

I am beginning to wonder if the problem isn't as simple as this one point. Football at it's most basic is a question of scoring as many goals as you can, and stopping the opposition scoring at all. The best teams are able to do both, and the worst teams are invariably incapable of either.

As I see our steadfastly mediocre group flounder ever downwards, I am beginning to believe that they are simply not very good, and therefore are capable of playing only one way. We can either chuck all our eggs in one basket and attack with mindless optimism (see, United, Newcastle (h)), or we can sit back and cling on grimly in the hope that Cole or Bellamy might nick us a goal (see, any game played since October).

If I had to sum it up in the simplest possible terms, we seem to be rather like a computer team who can only be programmed to "Attack" or "Defend" and not much in between.

The thought of us as a virtual team existing only in pixellated form would also go quite a distance towards explaining the "career" of Luis Boa Morte.

8. Anybody Else...

...missing Nolberto Solano? Me too.

9. Cole Patrol

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and start unloading my vitriol on to Carlton Cole. For a start, there is no room left, but secondly I'm not sure I get the point of slagging off Cole for not scoring. He's never scored goals with any regularity.

People forget that Cole was signed to be our fourth choice striker behind Ashton, Harewood, Zamora and then latterly, Tevez. And it might surprise you to know that the other four have scored a combined 4 goals between them this year to Cole's 3, but I digress.

You see, he isn't scoring because that's just not what he does. Sure, I understand that you think strikers should score goals, and I don't think it's the most absurd notion ever, but here is a man who scores 1 goal for every 6.8 games he plays in. The ghost of Vic Watson he is not.

Let's face it, when you watch a film with Josh Hartnett, you accept that he cannot act. When you listen to the music of Robbie Williams, you accept that he is swinging two cats around in a bag in lieu of singing. And when you see Kerry Katona doing anything you accept that there is a reasonable chance her head will explode with the mental strain. I don't like it, but I accept Carlton Cole's uselessness as being represented by the fact that he cost us less than £2 million pounds. (*)

(*) I wouldn't give him a 5 year contract though. I am patient, not a fucking moron.

10. Whither The Wide Boys

I find our lack of width disturbing. We have basically decided to play without any attacking intent down the flanks, despite having a non scoring striker whose supposed strength is winning aerial balls. You could argue that this is driven by the fact that we have no wingers, and that our form players are actually the two being shoved out wide, in Behrami and Collison, but that ignores the fact that we are not scoring goals, nor do we ever look like we will.

This is also, perhaps, where the revisionism around Curbishley needs to be tempered. let us not forget that it was he who signed the painfully inadequate Boa Morte and Faubert, and the inadequately painless Kieron Dyer. It was he too who moved on Benayoun when we were crying out for a bit of occasional flair. Sadly this leaves us with Matthew Etherington, who continues to stagger around like your Grandad, waving a betting slip, a lighter and a can of Strongbow and dreaming of the day his luck is going to turn.

Still, Dyer and Ashton will be fit soon.

11. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Update

I have come to the conclusion that Luis Boa Morte does not have any feet. This came to me in the nano second after he missed our best chance at Anfield.....

12. Merry Christmas Everyone!

Cheer up. it could be worse. You could be captured on film looking like this:

"Someone asks John Terry to work out in his head how much money he saved by parking in that disabled bay. Cue: aneurysm"

West Ham United vs Aston Villa: Match Preview - 20/12/2008

1. Duelling Duality

And so West Ham’s traditionally contrary approach to football continues apace.

Having failed to beat an average tottenham side at home on Monday night, we then go and take a deserved point off title-contenders Chelsea at Stamford Bridge and spurn a glorious chance to claim all three at the death.

It’s this long-established club trait that habitually confounds us all: to rekindle the damp embers of hope, just as we are prepared to resign ourselves to consistent failure and top-flight oblivion.

While results like this do no harm to our Premiership credentials, they do little for our blood pressure.

2. Opposition

Saturday evening provides us with our next opportunity to fritter away the chance of building on an impressive result, as young pretenders Aston Villa arrive in east London.

Villa have established themselves as the team most capable of breaking into the top four this season, much to the annoyance of Daniel Levy and his deluded minions.

Martin O’Neill’s undoubted management skills combined with the maturation of recent youthful purchases and consistent squad additions in recent years have lead to the advent of a competitive and competent squad.

Experience has been blended successfully with youth and players approaching their peak, leading to many plaudits this season, not least from the England manager.

Fabio Capello recently proclaimed that "the Aston Villa players are my future", citing Ashley Young, Gareth Barry, Gabriel Agbonlahor and James Milner. Young and Agbonlahor have both deservedly been included in recent squads and Gareth Barry is the only player to have featured in all ten of Capello’s games in charge.

The astute purchase of goalkeeper Brad Friedel in the summer combined with the in-form Martin Laursen have given Villa a capable backline, shielded by the experienced Stilian Petrov. Barry’s dream of Champions League football may yet be realised at Villa Park and the recent additions of Steve Sidwell and James Milner have improved the depth of Villa’s midfield.

These last two signings are all the more significant in that they have reduced Nigel Reo-Coker to the periphery where he can dance like a twat on the sidelines, doing ‘the running man’ in pursuit of his fast-fading hopes of an international career.

It’s Aston Villa’s attacking potency that has caught the eye recently, however. Martin O’Neill might be forgiven a moment of premature senility when recently comparing Ashley Young to Lionel Messi, but Young has certainly proven to be a great signing (another fine one we missed out on) and is increasingly looking an international player.

Both he and Agbonlahor have pace to burn and that will prove our greatest threat at the weekend, particularly if we press forward too zealously and leave space in behind - I can’t see Lucas Neill catching a cold, let alone Ashley Young. Again, it will be Zola’s ability to surreptitiously sellotape sausages onto the back of Young’s shirt that will prove key.


Marlon Harewood looks eerily contented with a place on the Villa bench.

3. Flawed To Big Four

Thanks to Arsenal’s stuttering season, Aston Villa now find themselves in 4th spot and have already beaten the Gunners at The Emirates. Wenger’s band of espresso-sipping aristocrats visit Villa Park on Boxing Day (or ‘St Stephens Day’ for those Irish readers) in a match prematurely being tagged as ‘winner takes all’.

O’Neill will see that as a great opportunity to put further daylight between his own team and 5th place heading into the New Year. Combine this with his decision to rest many of the first team for Wednesday night’s comprehensive UEFA Cup defeat to Hamburg (thereby sacrificing qualification as group winners) and there will be a great determination to take three points from The Boleyn on Saturday evening, sustaining his side’s recent momentum.

Wenger and O'Neill give their verdict on how far Kieron Dyer will get onto the pitch on his comeback before incurring a season-ending injury.

4. January Sale

As the window approaches, an icy wind of unwanted change continues to blow through Upton Park as rumours persist about the prospect of high profile departures.

Whilst warming our defensive cockles on Sunday, Matthew Upson’s imperious form against Chelsea also served to further highlight his value to several competitors and Herita Ilunga’s ball skills have caught the attention of many an NBA team.

The real issue here though is not the sale of assets, but that of the club as a whole. Press reports regarding the monetary health of Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson and the club have died down of late, bar the obligatory generalities – ‘financial strain’, ‘troubled club’, ‘piss-stained bin men’ etc.

It is universally acknowledged that BG’s piggy bank has suffered a not inconsiderable bout of bulimia in recent months and there is little hope on the horizon.

The sale of established first team players will almost certainly condemn us to the Championship next year and make us an even less enticing investment for would-be buyers, before having even factored in those penny-pinching under-performers up in Sheffield.

I can see the sense in selling up now while we are still a going concern with a decent squad, regularly high attendances and with our Premiership status still in our own hands.

5. Prophet Before Profit

Such is the far-reaching influence of this blog that no sooner have I finished writing the above than West Ham vice chairman, Asgeir Fridgeirsson, announces that the club have become receptive to enquiries.

“We have been reviewing the assets and as part of the process, we’ve signed a non-disclosure form with several parties.”

This jargon means that the Board has sent data on its debt levels, income, expenditures and salary ratios to the potential bidders, who are not allowed to reveal this info to anyone else.

It has been suggested that this is merely an exercise for Gudmundsson to gauge the value of the club in the current market in order in re-jig his assets accordingly, but there has to be more to it than that.

My knowledge of big business tells me that press releases are often one or two steps behind the proposed reality and from our standpoint, the sooner matters are concluded for the good of the club, the better. This same business acumen also tells me that Tesco currently have a 2 for 1 offer on Jammie Dodgers, so I’d get down there if I were you.

6. History

Villa’s visit last year was the final game of the season, an inconsequential affair and consequently an open and entertaining match.

On a glorious summer afternoon, Nobby Solano put us one up with the last goal to be scored direct from a free-kick by a West Ham player for the next thousand years. Villa drew level courtesy of Ashley Young before claiming the lead via Gareth Barry.

The prospect of the end of the season and a loosening of not only Dean Ashton’s dietary regime but also his fat pants, promptly spurred our striker into action and he levelled with a fine finish from outside the box with minutes remaining.

Despite all this, it was a game most memorable for King Pantsil - his illegal and relentless kicking of Nigel Reo-Coker for the entire match a commendable approach which went completely unnoticed by the ref. KP then went on a deserved solo lap of the pitch at the final whistle.

Generally speaking, honours have been fairly even between the two teams in recent years with an inordinate amount of draws – twelve out of the last eighteen games. Villa have had the better of the last few years, beating us on both our last two visits to Villa Park whereas we have not registered a victory against them since a 2-1 away win in early 2006.

'Your Latin courtship of the media is utterly bewitching. Kiss me, Jose...'


7. The Battle For Middle Earth

Despite Curbishley publicly bemoaning the fact that Zola has been afforded the opportunity to field consistent sides, our midfield has rarely been the same in consecutive games.

I thought that Zola’s selection against Chelsea (Behrami, Parker, Noble, Collison) provided us with a nice balance and was the most useful midfield unit seen so far this year.

Parker picked up the ‘man-of-the-match’ award for his effective disruptiveness, and his inability to get forward (which involves running in straight lines) was complimented well by Noble, who provided Bellamy with his goal-scoring chance.

Valon Behrami seems capable of running all day, his high work-rate warranting a regular start and endearing him to the fans, and this blog has often touted the merits of fielding Jack Collison.

There was nothing in the young Welshman’s performance on Sunday to dissuade us and I'm pleased to see him sign a new five year deal. He should regularly start matches before he gets too old and jaded to run headlong at defenders, spurning the simple pass.

There is no-one on the fringes who should oust any of these four. Matty Etherington has flattered to deceive after a strong start and Julien Faubert is proving the biggest waste of money since I bought a particularly expensive pair of bright orange Travel Fox trainers back in the mid-90’s, which in hindsight resembled orthopaedic shoes for visually-impaired drunks.

8. Congestion Charge

I can’t remember a season where the table has looked so tight so close to Christmas. There are only 20 points separating Liverpool in top spot from Sunderland in the relegation zone and there is not a gap of more than three points between any two consecutive teams from 3rd to 18th .

A contributory factor is the inability to string together consistent results at home, which can perhaps be attributed to many sides becoming more willing to adopt a Boltonian approach on the road.

Liverpool, Chelsea, Man Utd and Arsenal have all been guilty of dropping points they would normally be expected to claim and overall this trend is reflected in the negligible difference between large swathes of the table.

This has enabled several sides to endure a poor run without losing touch of the pack (ourselves included) and will allow teams to push up the league on the back of a few wins. It has also spawned the looming proviso that this year’s relegation battle may be more cluttered than ever.

If that is to be the case then every game really will matter and we can ill-afford to throw points away against teams we should be beating, as we have done thus far. The safety net of unexpected draws away to the big boys is full of holes.

Yes, I know all nets are full of holes, but these holes are getting bigger by the minute, the net fibres receding quicker than my hairline in order to illustrate this strained analogy.

9. Christmas Cheer

In the absence of any light-hearted relief last week, Paul Ince was sacked on Tuesday!

10. Escape to Victory?

Thanks in part to HeadHammer Shark’s contagious lethargy and my plans to drink my own bodyweight in gravy this Christmas, this shall be the final preview of 2008. In light of this, allow me to bid you all good tidings and all the associated seasonal merriment.

By way of half-arsed compensation, I have painstakingly prepared the following:

Aston Villa aside, our remaining fixtures of the calendar year are a trip to Portsmouth on Boxing Day and the visit of Stoke on the 28th.

The Portsmouth game is one I reckon we can win. Their drubbing at the hands of Newcastle on Sunday gives us hope, as does the fact that their holding midfielder, Lassana Diarra, is off to Real Madrid in January and will be loathe to risking injury.

Stoke City at home is one of those games with ‘humiliating frustration’ written all over it. I was planning on going, but am pleased to say that I will now be in northern France - coincidentally allowing me to retrieve the balls from Boa Morte’s efforts ‘on goal’.

(Only joking, Luis – I’m still rooting for you to score… Go for it, you crack-fuelled maniac!!)

West Ham United vs Aston Villa: Match Preview - 11/05/2008

1. Hello, Goodbye

So, here we are. We made it. Premiership status assured, a minimum of 7 points better off than last year, although with an inescapable feeling of deflation after the big spending and promise of last summer.

We're on the home stretch, the final furlong, the long walk from death row to the gas chamber we're we'll find sweet relief.... for a few weeks before the summer will stoke the embers of our enthusiasm once more only for them to be doused by Curbishley's lack of imagination.

2. Don't Let Me Down

Newcastle apart, our last half dozen games have had more than a whiff of end-of-season-itis about them. The team has been coasting with very few performances worthy of mention.

This distinct lack of effort has been mirrored by HeadHammer Shark and I and one would hope that the threat of our continued absence alone would be enough to spark the players into life for our remaining home fixture.

Whilst the players undoubtedly have one and a half eyes on their Dubai holiday villas, we all know that results going against us this weekend could mean that tottenham claim tenth spot at the death. A home game at Shite Hart Lane against a meandering Liverpool is a tough one to call, particularly given Benitez's penchant for rotation.

One would hope that the superb Fernando Torres will do the business, Berbatov has one eye on his move to Old Trafford and Peter 'The Rampaging Super Spider' Crouch has a point to prove after being effectively put in the shop window this week.

The loss of 10th place seems more than a little unfair considering we have held onto it since 1927 and a good result from the boys could make the difference between people leaving the ground in high spirits, reminiscing whimsically about this season, or cursing Curbishley's lack of tactical nous and killer instinct.

3. The Opposition

Aston Villa will be dangerous as, unlike us, they still have something to play for. Being only three points behind Everton and a guaranteed UEFA Cup spot, to give themselves a chance they need to win and win big as the goal difference between the two sides is identical.

With Everton at home to Newcastle, Martin O'Neill knows that his side need to win well to give themselves any chance and you can bet he'll have his players motivated. Curbishley's motivational pep-talk is likely to be a little more suspect and will probably revolve around the promise of a fun day out at Thorpe Park.

Having shown some dynamite form in April with 15 goals in three games, Villa have stuttered a little thanks to a 2-2 draw at Goodison and a surprising 2-0 defeat at home to Wigan last weekend - don't discount the effect of the whirring vortex emanating from Steve Bruce's Angular Hooter (TM).

Villa play tight in midfield with Petrov, Barry and Reo-Coker (Boooooo!! - just warming up), playing very narrow across the middle and Ashley Young given a free role. One would surmise from this that the key to playing well against them is to get your full-backs forward at any opportunity, but with McCartney looking tired of late and Neill as mobile as John Candy (after he died), the chances of this tactic being implemented effectively look slim. A lot slimmer than Lucas Neill.

One can only hope that King John Paintsil is given his third full 90 minutes in a row. Yes, I can see him getting mercilessly bamboozled by Young, but he'll also run his heart out and get down the flank before sending a cross into the Bobby Moore Upper and receiving a hearty round of applause from the Hammers faithful.

4. Get Back!

Defensively of late we haven't looked at our best. The first two goals conceded against Man United were weak and to concede two in five minutes against Newcastle when you have them on the ropes is just downright irresponsible.

It is true that a couple of these goals were the fault of James Tomkins, but the kid is only 19 and I think he has looked generally very impressive in his outings this season. Tomkins and Upson in unison at the back is a tidy prospect.

Villa undoubtedly have goals in them and it would be nice to have Upson back to marshal John Carew, as I can see the big Norwegian giving any other of our centre backs a torrid time.

Gorgeous George has looked jaded in recent weeks, which is perhaps not surprising as he has been our only ever-present outfield player this term. At times this year Lucas Neill has looked utterly mystified as to his whereabouts and even Rob Green has made the occasional blunder, most notably against tottenham at home - although he has undoubtedly won us more than a few points.

One hopes that Curbishley's motivational promise of a multipack of Tangy Toms to the winners will provide the team with sufficient gusto to perform in the remaining 90 minutes of the season.

5. Back in the USSR

The first all-English (not the players, obviously) Champions League Final will take place in Moscow a week on Wednesday between Chelsea and Manchester United.

It's safe to say that we'd all love to see United stuff The Blues and I'd be particularly happy to see Paul Scholes pick up a winners medal.

It would be just reward for one of the finest players this country has produced in the last 20 years, particularly as he was so criminally overlooked on the international scene thanks to the nation's doomed obsession with accommodating both Gerrard and Fat Frank successfully in England's midfield.

Let's hope United claim their third European Cup and Vladimir Putin gets a bit trigger happy with the old polonium-210 in Chelsea's dressing room.

6. Nowhere Man

Alan Curbishley has been strangely aloof over the last few weeks. Ever since his bolshy and borderline aggressive outburst after the Derby game when his substitution proved decisive, Curbs has been noticeable only by his absence.

It was left to Mervyn Day to give the post-match press conference at Old Trafford and there hasn't even been word from the manager on the official website.

No doubt we'll hear from Curbs tomorrow about how well we've done this year "with the problems we've had" which, by the way, is officially the most annoying mantra of 2008 - even moreso than the pre-match line-up announcement of "Number 34, Luis Boa Morte!"

Although I suppose there is always a chance that Curbs has been huddled in a darkened corner somewhere suffering from extreme Vertigo when he looks at his team sitting 10th in the League.

7. The Long And Winding Road

I remember standing outside The Lord Wakefield pub back in August '07, genuinely excited about our prospects for this season and thinking that we had a real chance to excite, entertain and progress after the relegation near-miss of the year before.

This enthusiasm lasted all of 45 minutes as Man City strolled to a 2-0 win on opening day and Lee Bowyer put in his worst performance since he was in the witness box accused of GBH with intent.

Since then we have crawled our way steadily up the League with the footballing equivalent of extra strength sedatives and been mired in midtable for what seems like an eternity.

It certainly has been a curious year, particularly when you consider that a win on Sunday will leave us on 51 points and that Harry Redknapp's greatest ever tally was only 53.

The general air of discontent among the fans surely points to the journey as opposed to the destination. I think we'd all prefer 40 points but with a few thrills and spills along the way.

8. Can't Buy Me Love

There is an interesting article on the BBC website today, detailing the new financial restrictions being placed on Alan Curbishley:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/w/west_ham_utd/7389885.stm

It appears that Curbs has been charged with dramatically reducing both the playing squad and wage bill and there being no promise of big bucks to spend this summer.

Rumours of Freddie Ljungberg and Lucas Neill being jettisoned at the end of this season persist and they would be no big loss, although I think Freddie has had his moments this year.

In light of such potential non-activity in the transfer market, I can't help but feel that Curbishley has completely wasted the biggest cash injection this club has ever seen. A further example of his lack of imagination when buying players was gratingly underlined this week by the news that tottenham are likely to sign creative Croatian midfielder Luka Modric this summer.

It seems as if our hopes rest on new Director of Football, Gianluca Nani, unearthing some gems for next year.

I for one would be happy to see any and all money available this summer spent on one top draw playmaker, rather than see it split up in order to fund three or four utility men just itching to get on our overcrowded treatment table.

9. Day Tripper

Amidst the terminal apathy surrounding the last few weeks of our season, light relief has come in the most unlikely of forms.

When Luis Boa Morte isn't bang on the Class A's, he's.....

Well, that's a ridiculous start to a sentence as his football this year has categorically proven that the man has a serious problem with hallucinogens.

However, ever since his own bewildering brand of football could have no serious impact on our dead-end season, my regular Upton Park travelling buddy and I have taken to simply sitting back and enjoying the perplexingly haphazard nature of his play.

I imagine it is much like witnessing the end of the world. If you noticed a mile-wide meteor hurtling towards your neighbourhood, you'd sit back and enjoy the show rather than get trampled underfoot in the ensuing panic to leave town.

The fact that Luis himself has absolutely no idea what the outcome will be once the ball arrives at his feet simply adds to the excitement, whilst we try to predict the multitudinous possible consequences. I can recommend it.

When LBM picks up the ball on Sunday (he's obviously Curbs' first name on the teamsheet), wipe the sleep from your eyes and marvel at the chaos theory in action.

Rumour has it he'll be wearing NASA prototype boots with dangerous and untested levels of both spring and buoyancy - buoyancy as you simply can't rule our LBM managing to end up in the Thames after one of his mazy and uncontrollable runs.

A boot with a new Rubber Sole, if you will.

Aston Villa v West Ham : 6th October 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)

1. Yawn

God, the prospect of this game is so dull that I can barely bring myself to write about it. It's the only 3 o'clock kick off in the Premier League - does that count as interesting? Because the prospect of writing about John Carew and Gabriel Agbonlahor is, well, zzzzzzzzzz.

2. The History

After a period of prolonged equality and constant draws, last season saw us gain a rather fortuitous point at home, and then lose an interminable game at Villa Park.

Whenever I think of our games against Villa I struggle to come up with any truly stand out affairs. We mustered a marvellous 4-0 victory after our return to the top flight with Marlon Harewood grabbing a hat trick. This so aggrieved David O'Leary that he became even more of a smug muppet and got himself sacked.

If there is a constant to these fixtures, it is that there invariably tends to be very little between the two sides. They're boring, and sadly we have a tendency towards tedium ourselves when the mood takes us.

The answer, my friends, is drugs. And hard ones at that.

3. The Opposition

Well, they've got Nigel Reo-Coker and Marlon Harewood which should at the very least inspire some ridiculous dancing in the centre circle. I have great respect for Martin O'Neill, who has a proven track record of taking mediocre clubs and making them better, before leaving and watching them deteriorate again.


His first season at Villa Park saw him spend £9.5m on Ashley Young, and latterly £11m on Reo-Coker and Harewood. And yet they say we are flashing ridiculous cash.

Of the two, I'm more enamoured of Harewood as he seems like a big friendly teddy bear, with absolutely no idea of how to mark up at a corner. Reo-Coker doesn't engender quite the same feelings, as he was never truly embraced by the Upton Park fans, most of whom found the ear cupping a bit rich.

Elsewhere, Villa have lots of solid players doing a passable job in a mediocre kind of way. My word, they're dull.

4. Ingerland

Much of the talk this week has been more around England than of club affairs and today duly saw Steve Maclaren recall Dean Ashton to his squad after a year out and 3 passable performances. On a personal level, it's nice for Ashton but I think we can all agree that absolutely no good can come of West Ham players turning out for England.

They either come back crippled or tapped up.

Fortunately, he is one of six strikers (Alan Smith is not a striker, he is simply inept in more advanced positions than other players) and is therefore perhaps unlikely to figure. In particular, the thought of him playing on a plastic pitch in Russia fills me with dread. Like he isn't fragile enough, we now have to send him to the coldest place in the Universe on the least safe surface ever.

5. Outerland

One name not in the squad is Robert Green, who fails again despite having arguably being the best English keeper in the Premiership for some time now. I personally would choose David James as the Number 1, who has been extremely consistent for a long period but The Sun wouldn't allow it, so we'll get the ongoing antics of Paul Robinson. Either way, Green should be in there.

Quite how Robinson still gets in the tottenham team, let alone the national squad is beyond me. In particular, I dislike his tendency to come out for England games on a unicycle, squirting the mascots with water from a fake flower and juggling with skittles. It's just not what I expect from the national team keeper.

6. The Department Of Injuries

As is customary, all of our new signings are injured, with Bellamy and Zamora having had operations since our last game. Parker is exhausted after his 45 minutes against Arsenal and will need a month to recuperate. All of which leaves Richard Wright and Freddie Ljungberg as our only fit summer signings. Which is a nice return on £25m, 7 games into a season.

Villa was also the end of the beginning of Matt Upson's West Ham career last year, as he injured himself at the coin toss.

Our "medical" team are busy waving scented candles over all the affected players as we speak.

7. Erm...

Gosh, I'd love to write more, I really would, but there's really not a whole lot left to say. It will be dull, and I'm sorry about that. With just the two games tomorrow at least our Match of the Day coverage should be better than the usual bare minimum.

(On that point, I did enjoy the Sky Sports half time analysis of our game at Newcastle, which consisted of 15 minutes of footage showing the Man Utd and Chelsea teams arriving at Old Trafford).

Any way - look on the bright side, we'll only have to play them twice. Unless God has a very cruel sense of humour........

Aston Villa 1 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

Many thanks to Overseas Iron who has kindly provided the preview and report for our fun filled trip to Villa Park.

1 – Hitmen Hammers

Find yourself aching to hurt someone? Have an arch nemesis you'd desperately like to see writhing in pain very soon? Simple. Get them to sign for West Ham United and watch them stretchered off within minutes of their debut.

Matthew Upson managed to last longer than Lucas Neill by two minutes, successfully staying on the field a full half an hour before being forced to retire with a torn calf muscle. The news is that he is out for 3 weeks, although the recently acquired medical staff recruited direct from The Somme circa 1915, hope to have him back in the field sooner.

He will no doubt miss the next two vital games however and our chances could be all but gone by the time Upson returns. Do you reckon Colin Foster could still do a job for us? Anyone got Geoff Pike's number?

2 – Taming Of The Carew

Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut?

Having questioned the big Villa forwards abilities in the match preview, he goes and puts in a performance which stretched our defence to and fro and also scored the only goal of the game.

Carew proved adept at holding up the ball, allowing midfielders to run on and wasn't shy of running into the corners to pick up a pass, thereby creating space for team mates in the centre.

Looks like the doubts I cast proved sufficient to spur on Big John. He must be an H-List reader.

Did I ever tell you how I've never rated Marlon Harewood?

PS – I can't rightly lay claim to the first class title for this section, it was The Shark's suggestion. His creative tentacles are trans-global.

3 – Tale Of The Tape

Having trawled through a variety of stats, I couldn't manage to drag my attention away from just one - namely that we managed just 2 shots on goal in 90 minutes of "professional" football. Both efforts coming in the 89th minute.

Is our team so devoid of footballing savvy that it only occurs to them seconds before the end of a match in which they are 1-0 down that they should perhaps, you know, hit the ball goalwards? Or were we so outclassed by an average mid-table outfit that it was never on the cards anyway?

Sometimes I think that we ourselves could do a better job. Sure, we'd end up on the losing side and our 'shots on goal' would closely resemble Peter Kay's kick-ups on that John Smiths ad, but I daresay we'd manage more than two.

'Ave it.

4 – And The Beat Goes Wrong

Would this entry be set to music, it would have to be 'The Death March'. Or perhaps 'The Last Post'. The similarities in mood between this season and our last relegation year are becoming increasingly evident.

Yes, we shouldn't need a wholesale clear out of 'talent' like last time thanks to Eggy's deep pockets but I can't imagine too many top flight players hanging around for a year in The Championship – particularly the recent signings.

And with Liverpool now joining the likes of Man United, Chelsea and Villa and suddenly finding themselves flush with cash, perhaps our dreams of those biscuit billions propelling us to the big-time seem more distant than ever.

5 – The Final Countdown

No, I'm not proposing we could still make it into Europe next year (see what I did there?), but a drastic upturn in fortunes is sorely needed.

Most pundits seem to agree that we have had more than our fair share of bad luck and at the worst possible time of the season, but I'd rather cling to our Premiership status whilst being as despised as Robbie Savage (terrible about that broken leg, wasn't it?) than go down with a conciliatory pat on the back.

We must beat Watford (H) and Charlton (A) in our next two games. If we don't, I think it could be over for us. The break in-between these two key fixtures will hopefully give some first choice players a better chance of returning.

At least 6 wins from the rest of the season I feel are required. Sheffield United (A), Wigan (A), Bolton (H), Middlesbrough (H), Everton (H) and The Scum (H) are all still to come and we're capable of beating all of them if we can just get some of that confidence and rhythm back from last year.

Obviously our final day of the season outing to Old Trafford is a banker.

6 – "AWOOGA!"

Where is John Fashanu's famous primetime battle cry when you need it? He never once shirked from his Gladiatorial duties when times were tough - not when viewing figures dipped, not when 'Shadow' got expelled for steroid abuse (in hindsight, his eyes were a dead giveaway), not even when 'Hunter' foraged through Ulrika's leafy canopy.

OK, so things are looking rough at the moment, but West Ham have always been able to count on near masochistic levels of support. Sure we can be outspoken and occasionally vociferous, but attendances won't be flagging between now and May and all it could take is to go ahead in a game (a radical proposition, I grant you) for the boys to hopefully kick on from there.

Come on you Irons!!


7 – Au Revoir

So my tenure as the H-List blogspotter comes to an end. Let's hope a change in personnel brings a change in fortune.

But of course…

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

I've just reeled in disbelief having noticed Michael Dawson warming the bench during England vs Spain (what a goal by Iniesta). I don't have the statistics to critically analyse Dawson's performances but my hatred for all things tottenham should see me through.

Suffice to say that a dishevelled, drunken, semi-comatose, drooling, incapacitated, half-dead Thora Hird sellotaped to a Stannah Stairlift could put in a more solid performance at the centre of England's, tottenham's or any other defence you care to mention.

Aston Villa vs West Ham : 3rd February 2007(Match Preview And Other Ramblings)

Thanks very much to Overseas Iron for this match preview in my absence.

1 - Disclaimer

Before we begin, I'd like to get in early the fact that this edition of the H-List may not be as insightful, competent or well-structured as previous editions. Mr Shark has abandoned Blighty for sunnier climbs leaving me in charge for the Villa game. It's true to say that the Shark manages to research and analyse every game extensively despite being constantly busy with either his job, wife or young child...

But I've got a Sony PSP and we all know which takes up the most time in the life of a young man.

2 - Fortunes On The Upson?

As you will all be aware, West Ham claimed the biggest scalp of transfer deadline day by finally bringing Matthew Upson to Upton Park for an intial fee of £6 million, much to Steve Bruce's annoyance. I loved the fact that Bruce whined through his horrifically disfigured staircase of a nose about a disregard for contractual obligations. Maybe you should voice your complaints to Palace fans, Steve?

Upson, potentially, could be the rock upon which a successful survival campaign can be built and hopefully will light a fire up the backsides of the hitherto under-achieving Gabbidon and Ferdinand. With the arrival of Davenport, Neill and now Upson, Tyrone Mears loaned out to Derby and the writing seemingly on the wall for Konchesky, it appears Curbs is determined to use Eggy's millions to let everyone know who's boss.

Upson and Davenport sound to me like a promising centre-back partnership and we can hope that the new arrivals will at least provide some healthy competition for the feeble excuse for a defence we've had up 'til now. Perhaps it would be prudent to separate the wheat from the chaff, lest we want a Ranieri-esque squad of around 4 billion.

3 - Quick On The Draw

After an impressive start, Villa have trailed off and are only 9 points ahead of us having flirted briefly with those coveted Champions League spots. This could well be due to the fact that they (along with Fulham) top the league in taking a single point from games, with 11 draws so far this season.

By all accounts they looked not half bad against Newcastle in midweek, despite conceeding twice in the first 7 minutes, and can look menacing in attack on their day. However, despite beating Watford last week they have won only one of their last 6 home games. OK, so we haven't won away from home all season but there's got to be something in all these meaningless stats, hasn't there? Perhaps not... if there is then our fate is sealed.

One thing's for sure, two mediocre defences fighting it out for the right to concede the first goal should make for a fascinating contest.

4 - Brand New Brummies

Ashley Young will be making his home debut in a slightly different shade of claret and blue than some may have hoped for and could conceivably prove a handful - nothing a first minute, knee-high challenge from Christian 'The Enforcer' wouldn't sort out though.

John Carew will no doubt start too. Carew is one of those footballers who has confounded me in his time as a professional. Once touted as potential Real Madrid material, I've never rated him having seen more than a few lacklustre displays in the Champions League. He just seems to be a third rate Thierry Henry... which admittedly still makes him a first class Carlton Cole but not the unstoppable goal-machine he has often been described. Obviously, having cast doubts over his ability, watch him score 12 of the best goals you've ever seen on Saturday.

In addition, Villa also have Patrick Berger - an ageing but still dangerous attacking option to come off the bench in the last 20 minutes.

The Villans will no doubt be up for it with 'Man-Manager Supremo' Martin O'Neill at the helm. If we don't match them for commitment and work-rate, then I think it will be a morose journey back down the M1 for the Hammers faithful. We took 4 points off Villa in 2005/06 and won the corresponding fixture last year 2-1 having gone 1-0 down, with both Zamora and Harewood on the scoresheet.

I know. Inconceivable.

5 - Untouchable Ulsterman

Just what has Roy Carroll got to do to be dropped? How much money must Curbs be into him for? Is the imminent arrival of a cross into the box during the 4th round of the FA Cup really the time to practice an impression of a migrating Canadian goose? Not even Roy would've put money on maintaining his place in the side so consistently over recent weeks.

Robert Green must be wondering how he alone can seemingly be the only one to pay for the 6-0 drubbing at the hands of Reading. He has the potential to be England's Number 1 and the capacity to pull off saves he has no right to. It's hard to see how a once regular member of the England squad can not warrant a regular starting place in a team languishing at the foot of the table, particularly when he is being kept out by a craggy-faced caveman with a gambling problem who reeks of booze. If good sense prevails (which it rarely does at the Boleyn), Green will be between the sticks at Villa Park.

6 - Firing Blancos

Only just managing to find the back of the net from 6cms out with the outside of your shin does not qualify you as a striking threat, therefore Carlton Cole's place in the starting line-up should not be assured. In fact, none of our strikers have played well enough this season to insure they're an automatic selection. With Dean Ashton apparently having died from a broken ankle, Carlos Tevez still trying to figure out what ever possessed him to come to Upton Park and Marlon and Bobby Z both about as incisive as a gummy bear, the dire situation is screaming for fresh blood. Scoring one goal every 2 hours over the course of this season doesn't bode well... One goal after 60 seconds is a far better return.

Enter Kepo.

Curbs would do well to start with the young Spaniard - he seems both eager and positive and has the added benefit of not having every ounce of optimism sucked from his soul in recent months, like the rest of us. Let's hope some brave selection decisions are made this weekend and not the usual load of bamboozling nonsense.

The next three games are make or break. Anything less than 6 points minimum I don't think will be good enough.

7 - Why Have You Forsaken Us, Oh Lord?

Just in case you're not all miserable enough, it has emerged today that West Ham could be docked points in the advent of the Javier Mascherano debacle. Those scumbags up at Wigan have apprently called into question whether the arrival of Tevez and Mascherano broke the Premier League's Rule U18.

Rule U18 states that a club can not sign a player owned by a 'third party' who would have the "ability materially to influence it's policies or the performance of it's teams". The new regime is declaring that they were not in charge at the time of the signings but the prospect of being docked points is real and could be the final nail in our Premiership coffin.

Let's hope those bigwigs at the Premier League who could be called upon to investigate any alleged wrongdoing are big biscuit fans. Eggy could slip them a packet of Jammy Dodgers and a few Hob-Nobs each and sweep any incriminating crumbs under the carpet.