Sheffield United 3 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. The Weather Outside Is Frightful, And The Firesale's So Delightful

Roll up, roll up! Get your big time Charlies here. Big salaries, big ideas, big heads. May need to insert heart.

2. That Was A Little Unkind

OK, OK, I concede it's a little unfair to wax lyrical over them one week when we win at Arsenal and to then call them gutless after a defeat at Sheffield United, but I can't help it - Jumping Jack Flash, I am fuming after this. I'm one hunkaburning vitriol and I'm not ready to accept any of Curbishley's platitudes about "keeping" on trying hard for the rest of the season.

This was the season.

3. Anton And On

We might as well start with the first goal then. I have just one question really - why bother, Anton? It's Christian Nade, how much damage is he really going to do? What's the worst that could have happened? Sure, he might have taken up piracy, committed mail fraud or invaded Scotland but I sincerely doubt he would have actually scored.

Of course, God himself couldn't possibly have foreseen that Michael Tonge would do something "quite good" with the subsequent free kick and prove that even a broken clock is right twice a day.

4. It Will Stand Him In Good Stead?

So, Jon Stead is running towards you in an attacking fashion. This is not an insurmountable problem. Indeed it barely qualifies as a problem at all. You see, Jon Stead is essentially two lemon sorbets held together by a football shirt.

When Jon Stead has the ball in an advanced position, you should not be thinking about how to prevent him scoring a goal (the answer to this is 'breathe') but instead you should be considering how you are going to counter attack when he gives you the ball back.

I'm sure he's a nice man, he's doubtless very pleasant to his grandmother, renews his road tax on time and for all I know he could be the Sheffield Under-23 canasta champion, but as a professional footballer Jon Stead makes an outstanding pizza delivery boy.

And by the way, did I mention it was Jon Fucking Stead?

5. The Statistics

For a 3-0 thumping this was a fairly even game. We had 49% possession that we duly converted into one shot on target. And when your right back has your only effort on goal then someone, somewhere hasn't done their job properly.

Essentially, we were outbattled and didn't have the requisite composure or, more worryingly, the ambition to win this game. For all the euphoria of the last 3 games it's hard to ignore that the win at Blackburn was nonsense, Middlesborough were woeful, and the 1-0 win at Arsenal was a 5-1 defeat minus the Arsenal goals.

6. The Opposition

Well, credit where it's due, they were better than us. This has long since ceased to be a compliment to any Premier League team but it's still true. Conceding a goal to any Sheffield United player is painful but Tonge, Jagielka and Stead can now be added to the Great Wall of China sized list of average players who've scored against us.

It's a damning indictment of Curbishley and his staff that he could be so comprehensively outmanaged by Neil Warnock, a man who considers off the ball headbutts as a valid defensive tactic.

7. The Referee

Steve Bennett. He didn't ratify any nuclear treaties whilst he was out there but he did do his job I suppose. I can't really comprehend how Sheffield United could ever get less bookings than the opposition but it happened this time. Given that there are so many other areas of frustration I shall not labour the point.

8. Statistics (Extra)

Just how hard is it to let Sheffield United score 3 times against you? Well, no one else in the Premier League has managed it this year. Another proud first for us.

Just how hard is it not to score at Brammall Lane? Well, only three other teams have managed that all year. And one of them was Fulham.

9. Just Like The Injun Said

How?

How could we be so poor? How could Curbishley send out a team with so little motivation? How did Carlos Tevez miss that chance? How could Lee Bowyer attempt to kick the ball with his right foot and accidentally kick it with his left instead? How did Paddy Kenny save that shot from Neill?

Did I mention it was Jon Fucking Stead?

Colour me perplexed .

10. Auf Weidersen, Goodbye

So farewell then Ms Premiership. You have been a cruel mistress. We were once so close but suddenly you've grown cold and distant and apparently determined to rid yourself of us. And who could blame you.

What a shambles this team has been for most of the year. I was happily accepting of the inevitability of our demise as long ago as Christmas but the last three weeks had sown some seeds of doubt.

And that's what makes it so hard to emotionally invest anything in a football team.

11. The Case For The Defence

Or not. Anton Ferdinand got a severe attack of Michael Dawson syndrome and didn't so much "defend" as "wander around gormlessly". The irony of relegation is that a player like Ferdinand will not be sold in the summer - no club is going to risk £8m on a potential jailbird who can't mark Jon Fucking Stead.

And by the way, who the hell decided that it would be a good idea for Bobby Zamora (a man who believes Jumping is a Chinese dish) to mark Phil Jagielka (a poor footballer but he does have the ability to lift himself more than an inch off the floor) at corners? It's one thing to lose to Sheffield United, it's quite another to do it whilst letting them score twice from set pieces, which is essentially the only way they can score.

(I'm aware that Stead's goal wasn't a set piece but it was a miracle so I'll let it pass).

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

I swear that all the Premier League's worst players got together this weekend and made a pact that they would all score a goal.

Step forward Benjani, Emile Heskey, Fabio Rochemback, Luke Moore and of course, Jon Fucking Stead. Interesting that even in a line up that crap, Big Ol Useless Mike still couldn't crack it.

Sheffield United vs West Ham : 14 April 2007 (Match Preview And Other Ramblings)

1. Heaven Help Us

Ah, Sheffield United - God's little joke on football purists everywhere.

This is not going to be a beautiful game. It's not even going to be mildly attractive or have a bubbly personality. We are facing a team whose brand of 'football' could only be less aesthetically pleasing if they played naked and clubbed some baby seals to death at half time.

Paddy Kenny naked? God, I hope you weren't eating.

2. Deja Vu

A bit of H List history for you in case you weren't paying attention the first time around. This is a point written in the preview for our home game against Sheffield United in November:

Although I have done a piece on footballing nicknames previously I did leave out the all time greatest. Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock is known widely around the game as "Colin". This is because it's the first part of an anagram of his name. Why don't you see if you can work out the rest?

3. The History

We actually have a 'Not All That Execrable' recent record at Brammall Lane. Our last defeat there was in March 1994 when we went 2-0 up and lost 3-2. Gosh darn it if our loveable heroes haven't always defended with all the backbone of a boa constrictor.

Of course we've only played there 3 times subsequently. A 3-3 draw in 03/04 including a squandered 2 goal lead, a 2-1 victory in 04/05 courtesy of Sheringham and Harewood and a remarkable FA Cup tie later the same season.

This saw us draw 1-1 despite playing against ten men for an hour. We then proceeded to lose the ensuing penalty shoot out 3-1. That's right - in a shoot out against Paddy Kenny we scored just once.

If I recall correctly, that was the day I successfully proved that it's possible to disembowel oneself with the bristles of a toothbrush.

4. Interesting Numbers

Sheffield United's leading scorer is Rob Hulse who has suffered a severe case of Dean Ashtonism and is now in a coma or something similar for the rest of the season. Their second top scorer is centre half Phil Jagielka. These kind of statistics just make me nervous.

It generally screams that someone absurd is going to score against us like Jon Stead or Colin Kazim-Richards or Condoleeza Rice. Kazim-Richards clearly being the most ridiculous of the three.

5. The esreveR Fixture

Way back in November, a period I look back upon fondly as I still had an intact and functioning nervous system at the time, we beat Sheffield United 1-0.

This was notable as they managed the previously impossible task of allowing us to score from a corner.

A recent joint study by Princeton University and Prestatyn Sands Sixth Form college listed the 9 most difficult things for humans to do, as:

1. Rocket science
2. Brain surgery
3. Adjusting the temperature in someone else's shower
4. Learning Mandarin (except for the Chinese)
5. Listening to the music of James Blunt without wishing to kill yourself. Or him
6. Allowing West Ham to score from a corner
7. Understanding the plot of the first Mission:Impossible film
8. Driving anywhere in Italy
9. Assembling IKEA furniture

They were going to do 10 but it proved too hard.

6. Here's A Trend - Buck It Please

You can tell that I'm nervous about this game. When I look in the mirror I don't see the same suave, good looking, modest young fellow that I usually do. Instead I'm faced with a shell of a man sporting the same kind of look that my wife does when I announce I'm about to attempt a spot of parallel parking.

You see, when faced with "must win" games we haven't been all that fantastic recently. Discounting Cup games on the grounds that they are all, by definition, "must win" and focusing only on League and Play Off matches, there is a very mixed history.

In our 6 Play Off games we managed 3 wins, a draw and 2 defeats. Prior to this there was the infamous 2-1 home loss against a truly crap Sunderland side that should have eliminated us from play off contention altogether if it wasn't for the Reading team later deciding en masse that May was no time to behave like professional footballers.

And the grandaddy of them all was the 1-0 away defeat at Bolton that essentially condemned us to the Championship, and Roeder to the sack, by way of a neurosurgeon. Even on the last day of the season when we required a win at Birmingham we were only able to muster a 2-2 draw.

So, not to urinate all over your potato fries but just don't get too excited about tomorrow.

Some of you might point to the 2-0 home victory over Southampton in 2003 that saved Roeder's job as an example of a "must win" that we "did win". I might point out that this is stretching the envelope of "must win" a little too far, given that subsequent events made it a game "I wish we didn't win".

7. There's Hot And Then There's Bobby Zamora

If you look back on his tenure with us, Zamora has had a very happy knack of scoring important goals. Examples include the Play Off run, all manner of 1-0 wins, and indeed 19 of his 28 League goals for us have come in winning causes.

He is a streaky player, scoring in bunches and then going a Gobi Desert style dry run for months. But, right now, when we need him most, he is scoring and for that we should be thankful.

All of which naturally means that he'll be marked out of the game tomorrow by whatever club wielding cavemen Warnock plays at the back, and Lucas Neill will pop up with the winner.

8. Curse You Magic Beans!

Number of goals conceded to Man Utd, Arsenal and Chelsea in 4 games: 1
Number of goals conceded to Fulham, Charlton and Watford in 6 games : 10

Lesson: It's no good climbing up and slapping the giant around if you promptly chuck yourself off the top of the beanstalk.

9. Jingle Jangle

With the situation at the foot of the table as fluid as the Iran/Iraq marine border it seems a tad unfair that Charlton get to play after everybody else this weekend. However, let's not kid ourselves, a win on Saturday and we will be level with them and putting some added pressure on their ever so nice heads.

Lose, and I can't see how we can realistically expect to survive with the run in we have.

To quote Homer Simpson - "I've never been much of a praying man, but if you're up there - please save me, Superman".

West Ham 1 - 0 Sheffield United (And Other Ramblings)

1. How Do You Say Refund In Icelandic?

Does anyone know if there is any truth in the rumour that Eggert Magnusson was seen after this game outside shouting at Terence Brown in the car park "I thought you said they were professional?"

2. Our New Youth Policy

I'm all for indoctrinating young kids into the West Ham way, but the petrified look on Magnusson's 2 year old grandson's face was enough to make even the most hard hearted Hammer feel for the lad.

In fairness to him though I felt he displayed better movement in his brief stint on the pitch than Matthew Etherington did all day.

3. The Battle Of Nicknames

This game did exhibit two of the more manly nicknames in British football - "The Hammers" versus "The Blades". Both of which possess slightly more testosterone than "The Shrimpers", which is what our near neighbours Southend United go by.

Of course all three simply do not compare to the South African team who are actually named "Dangerous Darkies". And you can Google that if you think I'm making it up.

4. I'll Never Get That Two Hours Back

This game was atrocious. Sheffield United came and played solely for a 0-0 draw whilst we are so lacking in creativity that our goalkeeper actually advanced further up the left flank in the first half on Saturday than our left winger.

There are ways innumerable that I could have better spent my Saturday afternoon:

Painting the inside of my airing cupboard, having a root canal, alphabetising my school reports, learning French etc....

By the way, I hope you all appreciate the deliciousness of beating Sheffield United by virtue of a well worked corner routine.

5. The Statistics

We had 56% possession, that we converted to 7 shots on target. All well and good, but few who were there could deny that this was a poor performance overall. Especially given that the opposition were not exactly "ept".

6. The Opposition

I suppose I've touched on it above but I don't really class Sheffield United as actual Premiership opposition. Teams like this are the footballing equivalent of a romantic comedy. One comes along every year and you go to see it because you are forced to, you despise it because it's the same old turgid crap as always and it will simply disappear into the abyss to be replaced by another one exactly the same next year.

7. The Referee

Mike Riley simply looks hapless. He gets a lot of decisions wrong and appears to have absolutely no muscles in the lower half of his body.

That said, I thought that it was a clear foul by Derek Geary on Robert Green and thus his last minute blowing up to disallow a goal for Sheffield United was correct.

8. Carlos On The Way?

Much has been made of Carlos Tevez storming out of Upton Park following his substitution. In truth, I thought he looked devoid of match fitness and although he showed flashes of inspiration we seemed to be crying out for a more physical presence up front.

I probably would have replaced him with Harewood rather then Sheringham but the principle seems to have been the same. Indeed, Pardew himself suggested that he wanted more height on the pitch to defend set pieces.

Much will depend now on how Tevez reacts to his inevitable fine. Presumably, if he is suitably contrite Pardew will forgive him and play him at Everton next week. If not then we've probably seen the end of him.

I say give him a break - he's 22 and he doesn't speak much English. Sort of like Lee Bowyer but with potential. Class strikers are hard to come by and he is obviously frustrated by his inability to score. Once the first goal arrives I think we'll see the best of Tevez - I just hope that it's not at Valencia or Barcelona that it happens.

9. So Long, Colin

Neil Warnock will be a loss to the Premiership in terms of his quoteability, but for the odious nature of his team it won't be tough to wave him goodbye.

It was instructive to see Paddy Kenny timewasting from the very first dead ball of the day. You reap what you sow Colin.

And while we're talking of young Paddy....

10. Special Guest Appearance : Token Paddy Kenny Slaughtering

Following his little contre-temps last week, Neil Warnock has banned Paddy from going to curry shops in Halifax.

And judging from the state of him that might leave Paddy with a fair bit of spare time....

West Ham vs Sheffield United: 25 November 2006 (Match Preview and Other Ramblings)

1. What Just Happened?

Now that was a fairly run of the mill week.

The takeover we have long dreamt of finally materialised, our goalkeeper made the front page of The Sun due to his gambling and booze addiction, before our centre back decided that wasn't rock'n'roll enough and made the front page of The Evening Standard for ABH.

We still lost of course.

2. Here Comes The Sson

I'm not sure I think that being an Icelandic millionaire is all that significant. Having been to Rekjavik I can confirm that it is by some distance the most expensive place in the Universe. A good reference point would be to say that it is like permanently living in an airport:

"Excuse me, how much for that pint of milk? - Nine pounds, Sir" - that kind of thing. So, in short, any Icelander who isn't a millionaire probably isn't trying hard enough.

However, since the arrival of our Icelandic pals we have been strongly linked with a £10m bid for Shaun Wright-Phillips and there is much talk of European adventures. And that usually only happens on computer games.

3. Roy's A Boy

Roy Carroll never makes any saves that you wouldn't expect him to make, but he does stop most things that he should. (Re-read that sentence, it makes sense after a while).

This probably makes him an average Premiership keeper, but not much more. Particularly given that he is being kept out of his national side by a man named "Maik".

His form this year, however, was unquestionably erratic until his recent axing and it seems that this is now being attributed to a drink and gambling problem.

I won't be flippant about it, for it's a serious problem but it isn't all that flash for the club when one of their players is alleged to owe £30,000 to a team mate.

4. Anton And On

Anton Ferdinand's charge for ABH will cast a long shadow over the rest of this season, and isn't going to help his career a great deal. Of course, Faces nightclub is arguably the last place any breathing human being should want to be spending their evenings in the first place so perhaps he is reaping what he has sown.

It just goes to prove that no good can come of going out in Ilford. And so says a man who lived there for 20 years. Mind you, I did then move to Romford so I should keep quiet.

5. Pergatory

I have mixed emotions about tomorrows game. On the one hand I am excited about the takeover and Carlos Tevez running amok whilst Sheffield United disintegrate around him. On the other I do have to watch Sheffield United play "football" which cannot ever possibly be considered as entertainment.

During our 2 year exile in the Championship we had the pleasure of facing them no less than 6 times and emerged victorious just the once.

Much like lorry drivers are no longer allowed to drive after a certain number of hours on the road, so too should football fans be exempt from watching more than 2 games against Sheffield United in any two year period.

6. Alright Colin?

Although I have done a piece on footballing nicknames previously I did leave out the all time greatest. Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock is known widely around the game as "Colin".

This is because it's the first part of an anagram of his name. Why don't you see if you can work out the rest?

Not since Virginia Bottomley was christened "Evil Tory Bigot" has an anagram been so apt.

7. Numbers

Marlon Harewood has scored 7 times against Sheffield United in 14 appearances against them.

There are no other statistics of any note relating to this team except ones I have made up, such as:

Neil Warnock is 24% vinegar.

Derek Geary is just 8 inches tall but you won't notice because you'll just think he's up the other end of the pitch all the time.

There are only two people in the world called Phil Jagielka. One captains Sheffield United whilst the other lives in Poland and is a 67 year old retired policeman. He is, however, the better footballer of the two.

Staring directly at their away kit for more than 12 seconds can burn your retinas away.

And so on.

8. Eye Say

My favourite Celebrity Fat Club member, Paddy Kenny, should be in goal for Sheffield United tomorrow. Paddy is an example to all talentless obese people everywhere. With just a little bit of luck and lots of incriminating photographs, you too can make it right to the top of your profession. If by "top" you mean "really out of your depth".

Also, Paddy did hit the news recently for getting his eyebrow bitten off in a Halifax curry house. As you do.

Some things don't really need commenting on.

9. Lastly

We have now entered the most crucial part of our season. Upcoming games against the likes of Sheffield United, Wigan, Everton and Fulham will define whether we spend the rest of 06/07 fighting it out with the dead men or pushing on for that elusive 12th spot that we all covet so dearly.

Much like the first Ashes Test our chances of success have already been obliterated by a poor start, but consolidation is key in itself with a new TV deal on the horizon and the ever widening gap between the elite pigs at the head of the trough and the mediocre swine like ourselves at the bottom.

And with that lovely image I bid you all adieu, and request that whatever you do tomorrow it involves abusing Neil Warnock...........