In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (50 - 41)

50. Cambridge United (h) 2-0 : 1992/93 Division 1
(Speedie (47), C Allen (90))

In a tremendously on brand turn of events, West Ham voted for the creation of the Premier League and then promptly got relegated before it could begin. So we begin our list of the best games of the Premier League era in the newly created Division 1. Excellent. 

This was a slightly curious match for me, as I queued for the only time in my life to try and get into the South Bank on the day of its farewell. Perhaps unsurprisingly I was left locked out and ended up following this game through the medium of radio, garbled messages on the Barking Road, crowd noises and quite possibly the TV, but I can't recall exactly. Either way it's one of the few games on here that I didn't see in the flesh. 

With this being the final day of the season we needed a win to secure our promotion to the Premier League  while Cambridge needed a victory to stay up. A nervy first half was helped along by news that promotion rivals Portsmouth were losing to Grimsby and things improved further when David Speedie smashed in a smart opener two minutes after the break. This was a particularly weird plot twist as Speedie may well be the most hated West Ham player of my lifetime. 

A nervy half would follow as Portsmouth took the lead in their game, and Cambridge had a goal narrowly ruled out for offside, but Ian Bishop and Julian Dicks combined to set up Clive Allen for a last minute tap in. By this point the stands were overflowing to the point that fans were simply standing on the touchline and a pitch invasion soon followed. Never has so much Bukta been seen in one place. 

49. Sheffield Wednesday (h) 4-3 : 1999/00 Premier League
(Wanchope (28), Di Canio (62 p), Foe (70), Lampard (76) - Rudi (38), Jonk (48), Booth (66))

When talking about Upton Park on a recent commentary, Gary Neville described it as having a "touch of madness" about it. By the end of the twentieth century, Harry Redknapp had built a team which epitomised this as he seemed to view defending as a sort of optional extra and in 1998/99 fashioned a team which somehow finished fifth in the league with a negative goal difference. That laissez faire approach to defensive organisation tended to lead to thumping away defeats but a succession of utterly crazy home games where no deficit seemed too great to overcome. 

In November 1999, we saw one such barnburner as bottom of the league Sheffield Wednesday rolled into town to face their hated old boy Paolo di Canio, and after 66 minutes were 3-2 up following a fantastic thumping header from Andy Booth. Shortly after, Danny Sonner was sent off for fouling di Canio and within six minutes two goals from Marc Viven-Foe and Frank Lampard had sealed a bonkers win. Wednesday would end up being relegated, which sort of seems fitting if you are so bad that you let Foe score against you. 

These two people do not look like they should be playing a professional sport against each other

48. Wolverhampton Wanderers (h) 3-1 : 1992/93 Division 1
(Morley (58), Dicks (63 p), Holmes (87) - Bull (57))

Sometimes games of football are not about football. In March 1993 Bobby Moore passed away and for the first time in my life I saw collective grief. I still vividly recall the sight of the Upton Park gates being draped with flowers and scarves of all teams, and the pindrop minutes silence before the game as the players gathered around a floral number 6 in the middle of the pitch. This felt like less of a football match and more a kind of communal memorial wake. 

We fell behind to a fabulous goal from Steve Bull, before Trevor Morley equalised almost immediately with a goal that featured Julian Dicks decapitating a man in the buildup. Dicks briefly stopped the Highlander imitations to howitzer home a penalty to give us the lead, before Matt Holmes finished things off with a neatly taken third. I rarely believe in destiny but there are certain games that football teams simply are preordained to win, and this was one.

I think the general tone around Moore has become increasingly mawkish and sentimental but in 1993 there was a genuine and tangible sense of sadness that engulfed the ground that day. It was a fitting way to say goodbye. 

47. Spurs (h) 2-1 : 1998/99 Premier League
(Sinclair (39, 46) - Armstrong (72))

The first of a number of games against Spurs, although there is an argument that this shouldn't make the cut given the utter mediocrity of late 90's Tottenham sides. However, the importance of this result was that it saw us go second in the table as we moved into December. We would promptly drop to sixth by losing 4-0 at Leeds a week later but that's both beside and exactly the point. This was an unusually upwardly mobile side, filled with all the inconsistency of a West Ham Nineties team. 

This match was highlighted by brilliant performances from Eyal Berkovic, who ran rings around a pedestrian Spurs midfield, and Trevor Sinclair who bagged both goals to win the game. The second, in particular, was a fantastic outside of the foot finish as he ran on to an inch perfect through ball from Paul Kitson. 

We may roll our eyes at the continuous playground taunts from our North London friends about these games being our cup finals, but we can't ignore that they just carry a bit more weight than the average London derby. This period marked possibly the only extended time in my fandom where we were clearly better than Spurs. 

46. Manchester United (h)  1-1  : 1994/95 Premier League
(Hughes (31) - McClair (52))

This might well be in the top ten most famous games in Premier League history, but I can't quite bring myself to place it higher given the relative lack of meaning for us. I'd rather celebrate achievements of our own than the failure of others. Still, this was one of those games to tell the grandkids that well, yes, you were there. 

With this being the final game of the season, we went into the match safe from relegation whereas Manchester United needed to win in order to try and snatch the title from Blackburn Rovers. We took a deserved first half lead through a smart Michael Hughes finish, after which things descended into an hourlong attack versus defence exercise which primarily involved Andy Cole wasting gilt edged chances as Ludek Miklosko had the game of his life. 

Paul Ince in a Manchester United shirt!

Brian McClair equalised in the second half but we held on, which was just as well for Blackburn as they had fluffed their lines totally at Anfield and lost 2-1. In the end, a win would have been enough for Alex Ferguson but for the second time in quick succession he was denied at Upton Park, and our reputation as a bellwether away fixture for potential champions was cemented. 

This also had the added effect of denying a league title to hated former player Paul Ince, and cementing one for the popular alumni Tony Gale, which was a nice moment if you are into such things. Which we all undeniably are. 

45. Reading (a) 3-0  : 2007/08 Premier League
(Bellamy (6), Etherington (49, 90))

One of our more curious rivalries that has sprung up in recent years is the one we have with Reading. It stems back to the time we poached Alan Pardew from them, continued as we edged them out of the 2004-05 playoffs, went on through their 6-0 drubbing of us in the dreadful 2006-07 season and then back into the Championship when Jack Collison made himself something of a hero by clobbering Jimmy Kebe after the latter started showboating on yet another a typically dire away day at the Madjeski. 

In the midst of all that came a simultaneous moment of redemption and a glimpse into a future we would never have. Alan Curbishley presided over that 6-0 defeat on New Years Day 2007 and thus will have taken great pleasure in this thumping win just eight months later. 

For the first time, Craig Bellamy started a game alongside Dean Ashton, and the two were soon causing Reading all sorts of problems. Bellamy opened the scoring after just six minutes, and then combined to set up Matthew Etherington for the first of two excellent goals just a minute into the second half. That dream strike pairing looked tremendous and for the first time in years, fans began to ponder what a really good team might look like. Naturally they would start just one more game together before Ashton was lost to injury and Bellamy had agitated his way to Manchester City. But for one glorious afternoon at the Madjeski, we had something to dream on. 

44. Blackburn (h) 2-0 : 1994/95 Premier League
(Rieper (50), Hutchison (83))

Just weeks before denying Manchester United the title, we had chucked a similar spanner in the works of Blackburn Rovers who visited us with an 8 point lead over Manchester United and the title seemingly sewn up. By contrast we were in the bottom four, which was material as this was the season that four teams were to be relegated in order to reduce the Premier League to twenty. 

Although we were unbeaten in six, the congested table and a lack of wins was causing great consternation, particularly with Blackburn, Liverpool and Manchester United still to play. As it was we turned in a fabulous performance and deservedly beat the champions elect. The first goal came from Marc Rieper, recipient of one of my favourite Harry Redknapp quotes ("He's 6"4, speaks perfect English and looks like Superman. We all hate him"), and the game was wrapped up with a late Don Hutchison winner. In between we kept the famous SAS partnership of Shearer and Sutton in check, and made the title race interesting again. Not a bad days work. 

43. Southampton (h) 2-1 : 1996/97 Premier League
(Hughes (73), Dicks (81p) - Heaney (19))

Our 1996/97 season was, by anyone's standards, bonkers. We began with a forward line of Steve Jones and Iain Dowie, cycled through Tony Cottee and Mike Newell, briefly flirted with Florin Raducioiu and Paulo Futre before desperately bringing in John Hartson and Paul Kitson to save the season in February.

And while the campaign is probably best remembered for a typical late season surge to avoid relegation, there was also this insane early season game which might be one of the most purely entertaining matches seen at Upton Park in the twentieth century.  

By August we were something of an oddity in the Premier League as we dabbled with bringing in large numbers of overseas players and briefly earned the nickname of the West Ham United Nations before bigger clubs began to do the same. Against an all British XI from Southampton - albeit one featuring the brilliant Matthew Le Tissier - we turned in a barmy performance that involved us going a goal behind and then simply throwing on attackers until we eventually snatched a late win through Michael Hughes and a Julian Dicks penalty. Francis Benali then added a nicely stereotypical red card to proceedings by attempting to murder Futre in the dying minutes. 

Famous West Ham No 10 Paulo Futre

The highlight of the day was unquestionably seeing Futre briefly conjuring memories of his former self, a brilliant player who joined us far too late in his career to ever be much more than a ghost of the artisan who had graced Europe priorly. By the end of this game we essentially had a two man midfield of Hughes and Danny Williamson, with a forward line of Futre, Ilie Dumitrescu, Florin Raducioiu and Iain Dowie. Can't imagine how we ended up in a relegation battle. 

I've linked to the full, albeit grainy, Match of the Day recap for this one. It's well worth eight minutes of your time.

42. Manchester City (N) 0-3 : 2018/19 Women's FA Cup Final
( - Walsh (52), Stanway (81), Hemp (88))

Sometimes you can win while losing. Not often, but sometimes. This was one such occurrence as the newly professional West Ham Women made a remarkable run to the FA Cup final, before bravely falling to the better funded, better paid and, well, just better Manchester City. 

This should have been the best attended Women's FA Cup Final in history, with two Premier League clubs and one based in London but the FA ended those hopes by scheduling the game on the same Saturday as a full slate of Premier League games. With the the men at home to Southampton, and the Premier League refusing to rearrange the kick off time, the game attracted "only" 43,264 which was a pretty good effort in the circumstances, but a terribly missed opportunity as 50,000 potential fans went to the London Stadium instead of this game. It bemuses me that the authorities still seem to believe that the key to the success of the professional women's game is attracting new fans rather than trying to build on the back of established fanbases. 

West Ham actually had the better of the first half as their psychopathic work rate restricted City admirably, and indeed they should have taken the lead but Jane Ross was denied by a smart save from Karen Bardsley with a point blank header. They faded badly in the second half, however, although conceding two in the last nine minutes put an unfairly one sided slant to the result. 

But, in the wider scheme of things, this wasn't so much about the outcome but the simple fact that women were able to represent West Ham at Wembley. After decades of male oppression, to hear "Bubbles" ring around the national stadium while eleven women wore our colours with distinction felt like a seismic moment. To have been able to witness it with my daughter made it even more special. Watching players like Claire Rafferty, Adriana Leon, Kate Longhurst and Gilly Rafferty run themselves into the ground for our club - her club - was something worth waiting a long time to see. 

41. Leicester (h) 4-3 : 1997/98 Premier League
(Lampard (15), Abou (31, 74), Sinclair (65) - Cottee (59, 83), Heskey (66))

I don't think it's all that much of a surprise that a large number of these games take place on the final day of the season, when our tremendously "ahfuckit" approach to defending really comes into its own. 

This was an absurd game, that could as easily have taken place on a school playground as a Premier League pitch. Both teams entered the day with an outside shot at qualifying for Europe which was a pretty good achievement as we couldn't even get a sponsor in those days. 

We raced out into a two goal lead with excellent strikes from Frank Lampard and Samassi Abou, before Tony Cottee dragged Leicester back into it with a smart finish. Trevor Sinclair and Emile Heskey then exchanged goals before Abou seemingly sealed it with another fine finish. However, Cottee popped up with another late strike to leave us all squirming for the final ten minutes as Leicester employed a Rush Goalie and we tried out the hitherto alien concept of trying to stop them scoring. 

We finished the season in eighth position, albeit we should really have finished higher but for a disastrous end to the campaign, which saw us win just two of our final eight fixtures. Looking back I don't think we ever really got over the disappointment of losing two cup quarter finals to Arsenal in the same season, including an FA Cup penalty shoot out that was apparently scripted by Morrisey. 

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (40 - 31)

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (30 - 21)

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (20 - 11)

In Retro - The 50 Best West Ham Games of the Premier League Era (10 - 1)

West Ham 0 - 1 Wolves (And Other Ramblings)

WARNING: This is not going to cheer you up. 

"I resist what I cannot change, and I wanna find what can't be found" 

- The War on Drugs, "Pain"

Friends, Romans, countrymen! I have left you alone for a few weeks and, er, what exactly did you do in my absence?

All was well when I left. We were being encouraged to thank the Board for providing us with the "best transfer window ever", and everybody was wondering whether it was too soon to start exchanging our money into Euros ahead of our inevitable European run next season. I return and this is what I find - the ghost of Jack Wilshere wandering aimlessly round our midfield. 

The pain of carrying this team since January

I kind of wondered if it might make sense to watch the new signings play before we declared the summer a success, but July is the time of endless possibilities and the realm of the dreamer. I suppose if you can't get excited then, you never will. And I'm prepared to accept I never will. 

But here is a thing that I have been thinking a lot about this summer. David Sullivan promised us the following back in February, when he was rocking on his heels and the waves of fan protests were lapping at his feet:

"I'm going to delegate the whole thing to a huge analysis and scouting system with a new Head of Recruitment. We'll have a massive video analysis department, increase the scouting department, every player will be looked at five or six times, we won't be signing a player when the manager's never even seen him play. The manager's going to go and watch him play and we hope we'll spend our money better"

Remember that? Because I do, and I'm never going to let anyone forget it. 

Where am I going with this? Well, as far as I can tell, none of that has been implemented. And so while fans were placated with the amount of money being spent, nobody apparently stopped to question how it was being spent. And this is my main problem with the activities of this summer, namely that the idea of spending £100m is great, but if you spend it in the same way that you wasted the previous £50m then all you're doing is pissing our money up the wall.

And let us be clear - this is our money. David Sullivan isn't spending his own money, he is spending the television money received by West Ham, which he chose not to spend in previous windows. And he charges substantial interest on the money he lends to the club so I think we can strike altruism off the CV. 

So how many times do we reckon that Manuel Pellegrini went to watch Ryan Fredericks then? Because Pellegrini was in China and Fredericks was in the Championship, and I'm struggling to think that it was as many as five or six. With Pellegrini being unveiled on 22nd May and Fredericks being signed on 5th June it doesn't seem to leave a lot of time to get a complex deal like this done. Indeed, Fredericks himself has admitted the discussions around his move were ongoing for a long time before he moved, which leaves us with one of two scenarios:

a) David Sullivan, who was let down by Rafa Benitez hours before his unveiling, was negotiating with players on the say so of a manager he had yet to employ, or;

b) David Sullivan was negotiating with players that he intended to buy irrespective of who the manager was going to be. 

I WONDER WHICH ONE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE?

It is the leadership style du jour, of course. If you present thunder and lightning as par for the course, then people will invariably be happy on the days when it simply rains. But we should put our hands behind our backs and not so readily break out into applause for these guys. Ignore their useful idiots who plague social media with this bizarrely passive approach to requesting anything concrete from the board, and demand a bit more. They don't get to tell us they've been a success before they've actually achieved anything. The best transfer window ever, and there is a very reasonable chance we will now lose our opening seven games? And we're supposed to be thankful to the Board for their work? Do me a favour. 

Look, I know that the story goes that we tied the Pellegrini deal up in January, and he watched all of our games last season but I'm just going to tell you here and now that I don't think Sullivan is, in any way at all, stepping back from transfers. He just isn't. The video analysis team doesn't exist, the new scouting system is a fiction, we still use agents as a primary part of our recruitment function, and the Director of Football was hired by the fucking manager which is the wrong way round, and has a job description on the official website that literally led me to wonder what he does. 

And so we get South Americans, a keeper we don't really need, an injury prone former star who was good in 2012 and is in decline, a soon-to-be 29 year old bought at the height of his value with zero chance he can be sold at a profit, and a load of deals brokered by Unique Sports Management. This Director of Football sure seems to think a lot like the last one. 

But sitting in the Thunderdome on Saturday and watching the crushingly inevitable conclusion to this game, I couldn't help but notice something. 

The scapegoats are gone. 

There is no more Bilic, no Moyes, no Noble, no Adrian, no Zabaleta, no Tony Henry, and it has made absolutely no difference. There is only one constant that I can think of who has remained immovable for the duration of the last few years of torture. 

Yes David - I mean you

Maybe you feel sorry for him because every decision he makes turns out to be wrong. Maybe you think the players and the manager ought to be bearing the brunt of this rant given that they are the ones who are currently setting fire to their own feet. Maybe you think this particular record needs to be changed. 

Well, maybe. But here's the thing:

When all your decisions turn out wrong - stop making them and get someone more qualified to do it. When you hire the manager and buy the players and they consistently aren't very good - stop hiring the managers and stop buying the players, and get someone more qualified to do it.

And changing the record would be to let the Board off scot free. A friend said something to me this weekend and I agree with him. His thought is that Sullivan will ruin this club and we will have to rise again. And he is right. It doesn't matter how much money is spent while we are trapped in this cycle of spiralling incompetence. This is only heading one way, and while I have resigned myself to the fact we can't achieve anything while Sullivan is here, it is terrifying to think of West Ham in that stadium, in the lower leagues, with these owners. 

And so we buy South Americans because they were the best players when David Sullivan formed all his opinions about football. We continue to present this image of the manager being omnipotent at the club because that was the model when David Sullivan formed all his opinions about football. And we continue to be caught and passed by smaller clubs with less money and fewer resources because they have more qualified, more intelligent people making the decisions that matter. And eventually the larger, better financed clubs will catch on as well, and that will be a dark day for us because then our extra commercial revenue won't save us. 

I promise you that I thought all of this before I went on holiday. I had a entire season preview drafted which I was going to post on the day of the Liverpool game but then I had no WiFi when I got to the Dordogne, and I was fairly glad of that fact as I followed along on the radio. By the time I got back we had lost three in a row and it just felt very much like posting it would have been me being wise after the event. I can say now that my feeling was that a top ten finish would have been a remarkable achievement for Pellegrini, and I have already adjusted that to simply staying up. 

Another year of treading water then. Another year of fixing our gaze on the stars and dreaming on a spaceship. Another year of fucking mediocrity while our owner plays Fantasy Football with our very real football club. 

It is September. 

***

"Get out your white suit, your tap shoes and tails

Let's go backward when forward fails"

- Peter Allen, "Everything Old is New Again"

This was my first chance to see the new version of West Ham and to be honest, the main question it raised in my mind was whether anyone had bothered to check whether the reason Pellegrini looks so craggy is because he is really Slaven Bilic wearing an ill fitting Mission Impossible mask?

In fact, this was an absolutely Bilician event from start to finish. The three defeats preceding it adding a frisson of tension to the air before a ball was kicked, the near total lack of an attacking plan, players strolling around as if convalescing, and the strangely inevitable feeling that it was bound to end 1-0. All Pellegrini needed to do was bend over and grab his knees and I swear we could have gone back in time. Sadly, the idea of playing like a Bilic team without either Dimitri Payet or Manuel Lanzini isn't very sustainable and we duly coughed up the late goal we had deserved to concede all day. All of which was made worse by the fact that Wolves comfortably outplayed us without actually playing especially well. 

The 11tegen11 Expected Goals map highlights nicely the dominance of the visitors, and if their centre forward Raul Jimenez wasn't playing in some kind of dream like state we'd have been well beaten long before Carlos Sanchez lost all cortical function and let Joao Moutinho rob him in our half as Adama Traore sprinted past a superbly half arsed Aaron Cresswell to slot in the winner. Traore is a kind of mythical figure among football analysts as he is almost without equal in European dribbling stats but is totally unable to produce any kind of end product. West Ham - still good for what ails you. 

The entire day was a disappointment as almost every aspect of the team looked confused. Pellegrini still claims to be unsure of his best team - despite watching all our games from last season and buying all his own players apparently - and that is cripplingly obvious on the field. 

I actually thought the back four didn't look too terrible, as Issa Diop was very good, and crucially demonstrated the kind of recovery speed that might allow a team to play such a high defensive line as we are apparently going to do. Diop and Fredericks are actually the two signings I like most from the summer, despite being the two who were first in the door, meaning they were most likely Sullivan signings. Both are mobile, and young enough to develop and improve. That said, Fredericks was pretty poor here and didn't utilise his outstanding pace particularly well when going forward. 

He wasn't helped by the dire performance of Michail Antonio in front of him, who was so bad that I am beginning to wonder if someone has inserted two bowling balls into his knees. We had a strangely fluid attacking line up of Anderson, Snodgrass and Antonio who switched positions a lot and as a result spread their uselessness all over the field nicely. Snodgrass was sacrificed at half time - not literally, although the way things are going we shouldn't immediately rule it out - for Yarmolenko who came on and immediately looked exhausted. I'm beginning to long for the days of that 96 year old fitness coach that Bilic used to have. 

After Anderson was pretty effective last week at Arsenal in a central role, he was shunted out to the left where he summarily failed to do anything. Ahead of him Marko Arnautovic had our only real chance very late on, when he got free in the inside right channel and only an excellent, but fortuitous, save from Rui Patricio denied us a thoroughly undeserved win. 

***

"Oh but I can hear you, loud in the centre

Aren't we made to be crowded together, like leaves?"

- Fleet Foxes, "Third of May/Odaigahara"

Perhaps the biggest problem, however, is the same one we have had for three years. We have nothing in central midfield. 

Wilshere's ghost was nominally in there for the first hour but he has neither the mobility nor the defensive attitude to play in such a role. I would never have signed Wilshere simply because of his injury record, but there looks to me to be a real risk that the cumulative injuries have caused quite a dramatic physical decline. It's early and maybe he's still searching for fitness - no rush, lads, it's only September - but I've been shocked at how limited he has looked. He looks like a number ten or nothing, at this point. And we already have about twenty seven ineffective ones. 

Alongside him Sanchez was passable, but is similarly limited, meaning that in the most crucial area of the pitch we are likely to be inferior to every team we meet. And it should be pointed out that this was a new central midfield, so this was actually the attempt to fix this situation. Jack Wilshere and Carlos Sanchez. Where the fuck was Pellegrini watching our games - in an opium den?

Should I not have given it away there?

Things improved marginally when Pedro Obiang came on, as he came actually defend and attack and run and respirate, but we are woefully short in that area. We sold Cheikhou Kouyate for £9.5m to Crystal Palace - which is a mere £3m less than Liverpool got from Leicester for their third choice goalkeeper - meaning we simply have no mobility in the middle of the park. For a manager who wants to pay a variation on 4-4-2, it boggles the mind that he can be happy with the options he has available. 

At the heart of the problem is the mismarriage of tactics and personnel. Fans are obsessed with high pressing these days, but that isn't feasible for us because we don't buy any attacking players with the ability to do it. So Javier Hernandez comes on to great cheers, and then floats around the pitch as if determined to prove the Hare and the Tortoise is a relatable story. He was hardly alone though as we put no pressure on the ball anywhere, and our failure to do so was so uniform that it actually seemed possible that this was by design. But if that was the case then one would have expected to us to have dropped much deeper and invited Wolves on to smother them with a low block. We didn't do that either. 

So, I don't really think Pellegrini is implementing a high press. I see no evidence of that in our play, but instead I see fairly rigid lines which should, in theory invite opponents on and into the teeth of a well organised and compact side. I am guessing that the high line should compress space and allow us to deny space to the opposition, meaning we recover the ball further up the pitch with greater opportunities to attack. But if that is your plan, you need some central midfielders who can harry the opposition, and then launch quick counterattacks. And we don't have any of those. 

I also think you need at least one natural wide midfielder, rather than a winger, but we don't have any of those either. The nearest is Snodgrass, who is always the first sacrificed when the tide turns and seems a bit lost in this systemless system. It is almost as though having two ex Aston Villa players in the heart of the side isn't actually a good thing. 

I just don't really understand any of it really. Is this really the system which Pellegrini wants to play, and if so why didn't we buy players who better suit it? Rome wasn't built in a day, and all that, but it is also fair to say that they had achieved something at the end of that day. We've gone backwards. David Moyes built a small little Etruscan villa and we've knocked it down. This team is less organised, less fit and less coherent than anything put together by Moyes, and while I wouldn't sack Pellegrini even if he loses all the next three games (who are we going to hire - Allardyce?) I still want to see some evidence of progress. 

***

"I'll brace myself for the loneliness

Say hello to feelings that I detest"

- Camera Obscura, "My Maudlin Career"

I hate this. 

I spent my holiday with my head buried in old history books about West Ham, and rediscovering my love for my club. Such affection seeped away last year, like angry fans streaming out of a half empty stadium, and it was enervating to reconnect again. So I fell in love with Graham Paddon and George Foreman and Johny Byrne and spent hours writing about those who I considered West Ham's Fifty Greatest Players. 

And now this. One fucking game and I'm back in mid season form, raging at Sullivan and the dying of the light, and trying desperately to convince myself that there is hope in the chaos. But I think this is a compound effect of near relentless gloom for the last twenty four months. We haven't had a good transfer window for years, and the jury should still be out on this one. It's entirely possible that things will come good, of course, and Pellegrini will bring his undeniable pedigree to bear and straighten it all out but that still wouldn't lift my mood all that much. I have now reached the point where all I see is incompetence at West Ham. If Pellegrini does turn this round, you can't help shake the feeling that he will do so in spite of our Board rather than because of anything they will have done. 

The decision making processes - David Sullivan ringing up an agent, usually - are a nonsense and apparently not up for review. And so we bob along, floating from one typhoon to another, crashing on every possible rock on the way and shredding the nerves of all aboard. I don't actually know if can write about another season of this fucking madness. 

I took my youngest daughter on Saturday for her first ever game. And like her two older sisters she saw a dismal performance that ended with us losing in the last minute. Worse still was the ennui. I couldn't get her to care one way or another. Nothing about that place grabs children because it isn't designed to. And so she sat up in the high altitude seats, wondering why grown men behind her continued to swear loudly and angrily even with children in front of them, and when I asked up if she would like to come back she said answered with an emphatic "God, no".

You might roll your eyes when I talk of Sullivan ruining the club, but these are the little ripple effects. No Upton Park to carry her home on a wave of atmosphere and uniqueness, no decent team to electrify the pulse and capture her heart. Just a relentless succession of dreary, lifeless home performances every other Saturday, miles from the pitch and made worse by the knowledge that nothing better is round the corner. The only thing that impressed my daughter on Saturday was the neon blue Slushie she got from the kiosk. My cousin's son has been going for two years and still hasn't seen us win at home. I know I'm not alone - I've spoken to other parents who have the same problems. 

And as we left, on the long grey trek back to the station I had a pang for Upton Park that I haven't felt before. I felt we needed to leave to move forward, but now it's becoming clear that only one side of that bargain is being adhered to, I couldn't help but kick the ground in frustration. These fuckers had no right to move us when they didn't have the ability to keep their side of the deal. The best transfer window in our history will be the one that sees these owners leave. 

Anyway, welcome back - I hope you all had a nice summer holiday. 

On a more positive note, check out the Making Memories initiative from the lads at Hammers Chat, which is aimed at giving Hammers fans in need of help some assistance. It's a good idea, particularly if we're going to spend the year playing like this. 

West Ham United vs Wolverhampton Wanderers: Match Preview - 10/01/2010

1. Happy New Year

A New Year is traditionally a time to both take stock of the past and foster hopes for the future.

As I grapple with the borderline racist employment policies of the Australian government, I have been afforded ample opportunity to assess not only my own shortcomings, but also those of West Ham United.

But one suicide among The H List family is enough for the time being, as I ruminate on the wisdom of HeadHammer Shark’s decision to gorge on that cyanide-laced, all-butter croissant.

What else am I supposed to think after eleven (ELEVEN) unanswered previews?

2. Looming Doom?

Dragging our tired, overfed, flabby bodies into the second decade of this millennium, Sunday’s early afternoon encounter heralds a tipping point, as we pant and wheeze our way into the Last Chance Saloon of this season.

Seven of our next nine fixtures comprise Wolves (h), Portsmouth (a), Blackburn (h), Burnley (a), a likely strengthened Birmingham (h), Hull (h) and Bolton (h). Setting aside our trips to Villa Park and Old Trafford, it is clear to all that between now and early March, our season will be largely determined.

Anything less than fifteen points from this spell and our following games against the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal, Man City and Liverpool are likely to herald the death knell of our Premier League status, and all hope will unravel like a badly packed kebab.

3. Opposition

Wolverhampton Wanderers visit this weekend in the rerun of August’s opening fixture.

After the comfortable nature of our 2-0 win at Molineux back in mid-August, I would have happily predicted that come January we would be a fair way above Wolves in the League.

As with so many things West Ham, that prospect proved rash, a mirage cast by the summer heat, belying our vulnerability to absolutely everything you could imagine.

After a poor start, Wolves have recently picked up important wins against Wigan, tottenham and Burnley, clawing their way out of the relegation zone by a single point. A tenuous position, but a position they would have taken at this stage if offered it pre-season.

They do struggle to score, the vast majority of their limited goals coming from either Kevin Doyle, midfield playmaker, Nenad Milijas, or biological abomination, Jody Craddock – a man with a face like a careless beekeeper.

Doyle aside, and bar the occasional moment from Milijas, Wolves are a poor side. If we can’t beat them at home, and convincingly so as to build momentum in the run up to this crucial period, we can have no complaints in the event of relegation.

Such is the esteem in which we are currently held, Wolverhampton will see this as a game they can win and particularly important in terms of their own survival. They will therefore attack intermittently and can’t be satisfied with a draw, which should aid our own offensive efforts.

I will reserve judgement on whether ‘offensive efforts’ refers to attacking play or just downright insulting football.

4. History

Earlier this season we triumphed 2-0 courtesy of a fine first-half strike from Mark Noble and a second-half header from Matthew Upson, but we’ve only played Wolves at Upton Park three times in the last twenty years.

All three of those games were in English football’s second tier and we took points from all of them, via two wins and a draw.

All of the above is wholly immaterial.

5. Picture Book

'I know my nose should be facing over there, but there's little I can do about that!!'

6. Silly Season

January declares the latest round of rumour and counter-claim as the transfer window opens, admitting an icy chill of misplaced hope, blown in on a gale of ill-gotten gains.

As has been the case ever since we were supposed to have acquired some financial clout, West Ham are being touted as the one-stop-shop for football’s affluent gentry.

Come to Upton Park and underpay! Ply the drug-addled financiers who ‘run’ our club! Thrust paltry sums into the malfeasant storm drain of their puke spattered crack house!

The usual suspects are rumoured to be attracting the attention of bigger teams, with Green, Upson, Parker and Cole all having been mentioned.

Were we to lose one or two vertebrae of our sturdy spine, then the onset of paralysis seems likely unless the money can be effectively re-invested. Of our own ‘Big Four’, I believe we can least afford to lose Parker and Cole.

Green has his moments, but he also has his moments. Upson is certainly an accomplished defender, but I don’t think his absence would cause as much calamity in defence as that of Parker’s in midfield, or a prolonged scarcity of Big Carlton upfront.

We’re an out of control plane hurtling towards the runway, running on empty. If we can just put her down safely and coast to the end of the month, we’ll all be free to disembark the crumbling fuselage and saunter through duty-free for a week or two. Until the intrusive, full cavity search awaiting us at Old Trafford’s over-zealous security checkpoint.

7. Ghosts Of Christmas Past

The Christmas and New Year period was a mixed bag. A hard-fought, admirable draw against Chelsea was followed by a deserved, if nervy, win at home to Portsmouth, before the predictability of a lacklustre defeat at White Hart Lane.

The tottenham game was another tale of misadventure and the slight nature of our squad being laid bare. Both Ilunga and Scott Parker (who was absolutely immense against Pompey) were lost to injury within the opening 20-minutes, and Spurs were well on top.

Frustratingly, we caused them most problems once we finally decided to attack with purpose, a decision which wasn’t taken until we were 2-0 down.

tottenham undoubtedly have a better-equipped squad than ourselves, but I still think that we should be able to compete with them on the pitch, not run scared attempting to implement a misguided damage limitation plan. I had hoped that those days left with Curbishley.

8. An Open Letter To Gianfranco Zola

Dear cheeky-little-chimpanzee Franco Zola,

Please start with two upfront for the remainder of the season. Not one. Not one in the centre with one floating in behind. Not one in the centre with two midfielders abreast, yet slightly deeper.

TWO FIRMLY UPFRONT.

One up-front is largely ineffective with a city-smiting colossus like Carlton Cole. With diminutive Franco, it’s wholly pointless.

The result is a hopelessly isolated octogenarian without the pace to worry any defender this side of a séance. We also forfeit said elder’s tidy control, as there is never anyone within Newham for him to link up with.

Love,
All at The H List.

9. 'How Much Do You Want For It?'
'£100million.'
'I’ll Give You A Tenner.'

If anything is going to happen on the whole takeover front, it will be in the next three weeks.

Depending on your viewpoint and priorities, the prospective buyers offer varying promise.

The runners and riders are:

(a) The Davids – Gold and Sullivan. A ‘local boy done good’ and a porn king, who offer a limited transfer budget, but who are likely to provide stability and stave off administration, in the absence of any real progression.

(b) Intermarket – a disconcertingly vague bunch of ‘London financiers’ (read ‘shady loan-shark villains’), who have vocally expressed an interest in acquiring the club and speak of 'a group of investors from institutional level down to high net-worth individuals.'

(c) Tony Fernandes – entrepreneur and owner of AirAsia with a proven record of turning around failing businesses. Principal of the new Lotus Grand Prix team and purveyor of antique horse-brasses and fine Persian rugs (I made that bit up).

Or...

(d) A.N.Other – a recently publicised yet anonymous ‘cash-rich’ American businessman whom current pimps, CB Holdings, are rumoured to prefer should a firm bid be forthcoming. (Recent reports suggest this prospective owner could yet be a member of the Intermarket consortium.)

From the above, I am likely to plum for option (c), although I hold out little hope of any contender leading us to the promised land. All options have been on the table for some weeks now with little concrete movement, leaving us all jaded and despondent.

When a frumpy, old harlot has been wined, dined, despoiled and discarded as much as we have, the toothless old crone will find more solace at the bottom of a bottle of Lambrini and a packet of Marlboro than she ever will in the sweet nothings of a charlatan with a Giro.

Wolves 0 - 2 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Welcome Back

I considered writing a season preview - Hell, I might even still do it - but I didn't want to overwhelm you with more than one post during a summer.

As such, we pick up where we left off, under a sweltering sun playing against a team who don't appear to be good enough for this division. Which is not to say that I really expected us to win this game, but merely to emphasise that things don't really seem all that different to last year to me.

2. Doom! And Gloom!

This was painted by the media as a decidedly tricky game to begin with. Away to a promoted side, who would be revelling in their Premiership experience and boosted by a boisterous home crowd. Now, I'm really not sure that a crowd can ever have that much impact on a game of football, and certainly not enough to make Jody Craddock into a Premiership footballer. He is after all, intrinsically still Jody Craddockian.

So while I'm not denying that the atmosphere at a football game can be inspirational, I simply can't agree that the basic skills of the participants can be altered by singing "Hi Ho Silver Lining".

There is no doubt, however, that promoted sides can be tricky to face on opening day, as evidenced by their record over the past 4 years - 5 wins, 4 draws, 3 losses - in their opening home fixtures. So, yes, this was a valuable win, but it won't look quite so flash after everyone else has won at Molineux by next May.

3. The Statistics

On another day this game could have ended up differently. Certainly we were the better team but I am not sure that we were dominant, so much as comfortable. As is often the case for newly promoted teams, our attacking play had a sharper edge to it, and the goal from Noble, especially, was evidence of the higher class of player available to us.

Overall, we shaded possession at 53% and crucially had twice as many efforts on target as the home side with 10 to their 5. We also managed to get caught offside 7 times which, frankly, hurts my spleen.

Robert Green was called into action early in the second half by Nenad Milijas, Wolves new signing, who astutely realised that most of his team mates were pretty crap and therefore that he was going channel Martin Petrov, and shoot at every opportunity no matter where he was on the pitch. Apart from this 5 minute shooting gallery, there was little to perturb our back four, even allowing for the mysterious presence of Julien Faubert at right back.

4. The Opposition

Yes, it's early, and yes they had a few injuries but Wolves weren't especially impressive here. Both Kightly and Doyle were out with injuries, thus depriving them of arguably their two best players for all I know, although admittedly if forced to write all I know about Wolves I would need only a HB pencil and the back of a postage stamp.

Doubtless for Wolves, they would have viewed this as an eminently winnable game given our historic propensity to travel with all the strength of the Zimbabwean dollar. Sadly for them, this is a different West Ham, and apart from the aforementioned little flurry after half time, there wasn't much to see here.

Of course, since then they have won at Wigan which should encourage them that the League is filled with quite a lot of dross, and if I were them I wouldn't consider it an impossible task to finish above any of Burnley, Hull, Stoke, Wigan, Blackburn, Birmingham or Bolton. I'd have to assume that less Greg Halford would be more beneficial though.

5. The Referee

Chris Foy is a referee about whom I can recall very little off the top of my head. In this game there wasn't a huge amount to get excited about, although naturally the home fans declared themselves tremendously aggrieved about most of the early decisions.

Again - less Greg Halford would help here.

6. I Love You

Gianfranco Zola appears to have mastered the "Wachoofuckinlookinat" pose.

Before we get too much further into the season I wanted to commit to print a brief discourse on the tremendous job that Zola is doing. In the face of overwhelming odds (i.e: Scott Duxbury thought it was a good idea), Zola was awarded the job last season and barring a stumble in November he has been stellar ever since.

Looked at in a vacuum, the results aren't especially wondrous, but the turnaround in the style of play, and the general resilience has been a marvellous thing to behold. As the squad has become gradually weaker, Zola has fashioned a pattern of play and a method which remains constant even as the personnel change.

Even last year he was winning at places like Stoke with only Tristan and di Michele to call upon up front, which is like successfully invading Russia with a boy scout troop.

It was exactly that kind of fortitude that showed here again. Cole up front with Jiminez and Dyer behind definitely smacked of being too lightweight for this game, but in the end we were very worthy winners.

Zola's greatest challenge may very well be off the pitch, as he struggles to preserve his squad in the face of the potential asset stripping ahead, but whatever it is that he is doing is working and he deserves huge praise for the job currently being done.

(Beating tottenham would be, like totally alright though Franco).

7. I Hate You

Phil Brown appears to have mastered the "I'mafuckintwat" pose.

Apropos of nothing much at all but Phil Brown appeared on national television dressed like this at the weekend. Even if you disagree with the points made at No. 6, then you'd have to agree that things could certainly be worse.

(Many thanks to loyalish reader Liam for the heads up on this crime against Jean Paul Gaultier)

8. Kudos

Mark Noble's opener was beautifully taken and certainly the first of it's type that I can recall us scoring for quite a while. My suspicion is that had it not gone in he would have been denied a place at Kieron and Carlton's Family Poker game on the bus ride home as both were better placed. great strike though, big season for Noble, World Cup blah blah blah *blows head off*.

9. Slightly Less Kudos

Jonathan Spector came on for a somewhat dazed Herita Ilunga, and proceeded to have three touches of the ball that were not so much "good" as "totally egregious". No harm came of it, and I still like Spector's attitude, versatility and haircut, but Christ he could only have started this season worse if he'd somehow impaled Robert Green.

10. Welcome Back!

Glad to have you all back reading again. Beluga and I have sat down and really analysed our output last season and decided that, yes, we really are quite lazy. So now you know...

Wolverhampton Wanderers vs West Ham United: Match Preview - 15/08/2009

1. Is It That Time Already?

It could be a case of "art" imitating life, or more likely a chronic lack of preparation, but I have followed West Ham's lead by leaving it 'til the last possible moment before preparing in earnest for the start of a new season.

Like the Hammers, the odd pass may go astray, I may not be at 100% match fitness, but thankfully we both have access to those splendid halftime hot-dogs - 'the greatest in the world'.

2. Opposition

We open our account this season with the glamour tie of the round - a visit to Wolverhampton. As uninspiring as this may be, it is the proverbial banana skin and a game from which I would be happy to escape with a draw.

Wolves have been guided to the Premier League by manager Mick McCarthy, who has been in the hot-seat there for three years.

I admire McCarthy for the way he stood up to Roy Keane's shameful mutiny in World Cup 2002 while he was Republic of Ireland manager, but am less enamoured with his association with Millwall (see you on the 25th).

Regardless of his team's competitiveness (McCarthy's Premiership win percentage is a staggering 5.4%), he will doubtless provide some competition for Steve Bruce in the Angular Hooter stakes.

Their biggest and somewhat surprising signing of the summer was that of Kevin Doyle from Reading for £6.5million. The Irish international was briefly linked with us last season (primarily by HeadHammer Shark) and his form this year will be key to Wanderer's survival.

Wolves have also very recently confirmed the season-long loan of Michael Mancienne from Chelsea. The mini-Predator will likely feature this weekend.

3. Summer Signings

In the not too distant past, we have made some close-season signings as ropey as Madonna's arms. This year we decided to buck that trend by making hardly any.

Our transfer activity has been altogether more subdued than... well, anyone. The standout moment came early on with the loan acquisition of playmaker Luis Jiminez from Inter Milan.

Jiminez is supposed to be the kind of player we've sorely lacked since the days of Benayoun and Tevez, and he displayed some nice, composed touches against Napoli in our last pre-season friendly.

Swiss left-back Fabio Daprela was another signing and a permanent one, signing a 5-year deal from the best named club in Europe, Grasshoppers Club Zurich.

Other than that, Luis Boa Morte od'd on Chinese opium again and will spend around 5-months zig-zagging his way back from the Far East.

For all Carlton Cole's excellent work, we are in dire need of a striker who is not hooked up to all manner of life-support machines.

Luca Toni of Bayern Munich and Eidur Gudjohnsen of Barcelona have both been touted recently and for me, it's Gudjohnsen all the way. I've seen Toni miss some absolute sitters for club and country, and LBM's got that market cornered thank you very much.

Also, if Julian Faubert starts at right-back ahead of Jonathan 'The Scourge Of Brazil' Spector, then we may as well all pack up and go home now.

4. How Much Is That Aussie In The Window?

One of the more protracted stories of the summer has been the next thunderous step in the career of tubby old Lucas Neill.

Neill rejected our intial contract offer, undoubtedly due to money as we were no longer willing to pay a King's ransom for his services.

Rumours persisted of a move to Galatasaray, then Man City, then Sunderland and it emerged this week that there remains an offer on the table from West Ham, which Neill has graciously put "on the shortlist", nestling as it does between 'bags more cash' and 'don't forget to buy four-dozen apple turnovers'.

Neill is obviously not alone in his mindset as a money-grabbing professional footballer, and his previous isn't good seeing as he chose us over Liverpool. But, attempting to adopt a neutral perspective, given his age, the fact he is captain, his already sizeable bank balance and his near-guaranteed place in our starting XI, money-aside I fail to see where he will get a better deal.

But cash is king and only time will tell what Lucas values more - a few extra grand a week or professional pride and access to 'the greatest hot-dogs in the world'.

5. History

We haven't played Wolves since our last stint in The Championship in 2004/'05, when our visit to Molineux resulted in a 4-2 defeat.

Hater-of-the-handicapped, Glenn Hoddle was in charge at the time and with things all square at 2-2 after 60 minutes, up stepped 'JUDAS!' Paul Ince to score a third before Carl Cort put things beyond us.

We have only managed two wins from our last seven visits to Wolves, but these matches span the last 25-years and can not fairly reflect the present day, so this sentence is largely useless.

The danger is of course that Wolves are newly-promoted and brimming with pre-season optimism. It will be a packed house and one promoted team always gets off to a flyer.

Failing a dominant display of total football from ourselves, we're pretty much on a hiding to nothing.

6. Picture Book

Joe public is asked for his verdict on the new home kit: