Portsmouth vs West Ham UNITED: Match Preview - 26/10/2010

1. Mourning Has Broken?

With the business side of ownership concluded, the proper business of survival gets underway as we enter the pivotal stage of our season.

Over the next eighteen days we will face most all of our likely relegation contenders, with Bolton following a couple of weeks later.

The fixture congestion created by the adverse weather will largely be resolved in the coming weeks, as crucial games arrive thick and fast – six in all between now and 20th February.

2. Opposition

First up is bottom of the table Portsmouth, on the face of it the one club in the league who make our financial predicament positively glow with rosy-cheeked wellbeing.

Pompey are in trouble whichever way you look at it. Not the first club to experience near-meltdown soon after the departure of Harry ‘My Cayman Islands Account Is Down To The Bare Bones’

The transfer window will prove more vital to Portsmouth’s fortunes than to those of any other club, their future dependent upon the shape of the squad come 1st February and whether they can clone ten Hayden Mullins’s to form a functional if unspectacular 'utility' of 'Mullae'.

While it may feel as though they were cast adrift some time ago, Portsmouth are just five points from safety and with at least one game in hand over their immediate rivals. Depending how much transfer damage they can sustain, they will feel they still have a chance of getting out of it.

Pompey have enjoyed some decent results of late and will be desperate to build momentum with a good Tuesday night performance at home. Our plight is equally perilous, on the pitch at least, and I will be sorely disappointed were we to emerge from the game with anything less than a draw.

However, this is a great chance to claim just our second away win of the season and kick-start our own climb up the table.

3. There’s Always Someone Worse Off Than Yourself

Under the stewardship of our one-time Managing Director, Peter Storrie, Portsmouth have lurched from one crisis to the next.

They currently sit under the swinging axe of administration, face a wind-up petition from the Inland Revenue, are in the midst of a transfer embargo, have been reported to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, have had their latest £7million share of TV money redistributed to debtors, have been unable to pay player wages punctually more than once this season, have their CEO on a tax evasion charge, and were recently issued with a writ from Sol Campbell for unpaid bonuses and image-rights payments.

Such is their parlous state, they will listen to offers for any player in January, and fears that they may tumble down the divisions on the back of the erratic mustang of mismanagement bare more credibility with every passing farce.

4. Like Looking In A Mirror

I’ve been racking my brains trying to decide whom Karren Brady reminds me of, and then it hit me: Gary Mason, former British Heavyweight Champion.

5. History

Last season’s 4-1 demolition of Portsmouth at Fratton Park was the defining point of our season and the catalyst for a haul of twenty points claimed from an available twenty-four. We could do with the same again.

Craig Bellamy had his best game in a West Ham shirt, scoring two and setting up another. The team performance was all the more impressive as we came from a goal down to win, and topped off nicely by a missed penalty from Defoe.

This victory also represented the first time we had beaten Pompey in the Premier League and it was no coincidence that Redknapp had since left, taking his abiding hoodoo over us to White Hart Lane.

6. Heart For The Fight

There is one particular thing (among many) which needs urgent address: our stark inability to win a game having gone a goal down.

We have managed this feat just three times in the past thirteen months: last year’s corresponding fixture, Stoke City at home the following week and Millwall in the League Cup back in August of last year.

Hopefully the positivity around the new ownership will go some way to adding a mite of resolve to a team who are criminally adept at throwing in the towel when facing a deficit.

There’s no valid reason or excuse for this and it will prove a fatal flaw if perpetuated long(er)-term. Our Vice Chairman once went toe-to-toe with Lennox Lewis, so she should be able to instill the same fight into her charges.

7. Picture Book

You’ll never see these two in the same room

8. Capital Gains Pacts

If the new incumbent of our official pulpit was attempting to endear herself to the fans with a clarion call to arms, she is off to a poor start:

“The Boleyn does no more than serve a purpose... To disqualify the (Olympic) stadium's only viable future is to make a bonfire of the dreams of thousands and thousands of people in our under-privileged area... I love the idea of calling the club West Ham Olympic.”

Another media-friendly soundbite associated with our club this week came from Tony Fernandes, who said, “I see West Ham as the unpolished diamond of the Premier League”. Perhaps, but only if you consider our utter dependence on Cole.

Firstly, we know better than any that The Boleyn Ground is not The Emirates Stadium, but to say that it does no more than ‘serve a purpose’ is to dilute the history of the place.

Only an outsider would so coldly deride the venue that has fostered our shattered dreams for so long, played host to a galling litany of frustration punctuated by occasional genius, and proved such an efficient conduit for our gallons of bitter tears.

Does Ms. Brady not remember seeing John Moncur continually rotating on a six-pence? Stuart Slater’s twining splendour against Everton in the Cup? Or Iain Dowie's magnificent 13-month goal drought?

It may not be a monument to success, or indeed happiness, and the halftime toilet stop is a fast-track to lung cancer, but to disparage it in such callous terms two days into the job is a misjudgement.

‘West Ham Olympic’? Fuck right off.

Thankfully, the IOC’s fierce defence of its intellectual property should put pay to such cynically commercial proposals. It was touted as nonchalantly as a housewife saying, “I love the idea of combining all my Nectar points onto one easy-to-use card.”

Please, don’t write in saying that’s sexist. It’s not.

As Brady is so early in the job, this is hopefully just a miscalculation, and even if the ultimate move is a sound long-term proposal, Brady will have to tailor her polished mercantile instincts into more palatable, candid reasoning for spit and sawdust scum like ourselves.

I just hope she’s not the Fergie to our Black Eyed Peas, for while the Black Eyed Peas have undoubtedly gone onto great success after the inclusion of their strangely masculine songstress, they are now a meagre imitation of their prior selves.

Hopefully we will not follow the same route, since they cynically traded what it was that made them entertaining for the glitz and glamour of hollow celebrity, leaving once diehard fans as satisfied as Mark Lawrenson’s wife. Redknapp, the south coast club could prove to be the new Leeds and slide inexorably to resume their rivalry with struggling neighbours Southampton in League One.

Portsmouth 1 - 4 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Merry Christmas

Well, alright then.

2. Luck Be A Hammer Tonight

Is it possible to win 4-1 away from home and be lucky? Well, even allowing for the natural pessimism of the West Ham fan, I guess you would have to say yes. Now, I'm not saying that we didn't deserve to win, or that Zola is the resurrection and the light, or that we haven't suffered a few of these ourselves, but I am saying that this game didn't really seem like a 4-1 type of affair.

Now let me be clear, I don't care if we won this game by using voodoo - we won and that is all that matters, but before anyone gets too carried away it's probably right to acknowledge that we had a few moments of fortune.

I mean, come on, Carlton Cole scored and Jermain Defoe missed a penalty. I spent most of the second half looking for swarms of locusts.

3. The Statistics

As far as the ESPN Gamecast shows, we didn't really have much of a foothold in this game. Our possession amounted to just 42%, and we allowed no fewer than 23 efforts by Portsmouth, although we replied with 16 ourselves. Interestingly, each team managed just 7 on target efforts, which effectively means that the front pairing of Crouch and Defoe were less clinical than Cole and Bellamy. Which bodes tremendously for the prospects of our international team.

In truth, our skill was in restricting the home side to long range efforts, or shots straight at the inspired Robert Green.

By the time the second half ended, we were breaking at will and using the twin superpowers of Luis Boa Morte and Diego Tristan to run riot down the left wing.

Elsewhere, we made the splendidly wise decision not to allow Calum Davenport to have the vast majority of our goal atempts, and instead shifted that responsibility further forward to Craig Bellamy who responded by doubling his seasons goal tally. Which is always an encouraging statistic from your leading goalscorer. On Boxing Day.

Other facts to capture the interest:

- This was the first time we had come from a goal down to win a game all year
- At the point that Jack Collison equalised with his second goal of the season, he had scored 50% of all our goals since November 8th
- The most accurate shooter in the squad is Lucas Neill (72% on target). For reference our twin strikers Bellamy and Cole are at 30%
- Mido, who is a fungus, would be our joint top scorer if he played for us.
- Dean Ashton, who is dead, was our second top scorer before this game. He has had 3 shots on goal this season.

I think I might be unravelling the great mystery of why we don't win many games.

4. The Opposition

Far be it for me to show weakness or empathy, but a part of me felt slightly sorry for Portsmouth. As far as I could tell, this seemed to be a clash of two appalling defences, with Robert Green excelling once more. As with Ronaldo's missed penalty last year one couldn't help but suspect that it was Greens presence as much as anything that forced Defoe to skew his shot wide, although using a striking technique borrowed from Diana Ross didn't seem to help either.

The obvious difference between this side and the team who played so recently at Upton Park was the absence of ex Hammer Glen Johnson, without whom Craig Bellamy simply ran riot down the Portsmouth left. 3 of the 4 goals came via this route, with the other coming courtesy of some Wacky Races style adventures in the home back 4 as we broke from a corner.

Much like ourselves, Portsmouth seem likely to lose players in January, with Redknapp apparently determined to return and tap up a few. Survival should not be impossible with the squad they have, and the existence of West Brom and Sunderland, but it would be fair to say that they are in the dogfight now.

5. The Referee

Steve Bennett seems to referee games using a magic 8 ball to arrive at most of his decisions, but he had some unusually random thoughts even for him today. The penalty awarded for Peter Crouch's theatrical first half tumble was as soft as they come, although perhaps Bennett shares our sadistic enjoyment at watching Jermain Defoe miss penalties.

Elsewhere Scott Parker cleverly got himself booked so he could miss our inevitable home Cup defeat to Barnsley. An approach that I fancy might be taken by about 15,000 other Hammers.

6. The January Sales

With the transfer window just around the corner and Harry Redknapp rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of spending the ENIC millions, it remains to be seen exactly how many of this team will ever play for us again. The obvious candidate to leave is Bellamy who already has been the subject of one failed tottenham bid.

Others on the likely departure list are Upson, Parker and Green which would leave the spine of the team looking decidely "Championship".

Already there are those who are trying to justify the sale of Bellamy, by pointing out that he doesn't score enough goals and whomever we buy to replace him will doubtless score more, which rather misses the spectacular point that we won't be buying anyone to replace him.

If I had my choice I would sell none of them, because the team as it is barely looks capable of staying up, but then again I am not an Icelandic international financier who is suddenly scrabbling around the back of the sofa for the money to pay off his debts.

Therefore, if we assume that one has to go then my logic would be to sell the player whose replacement is closest to him in terms of skill. For example, selling Green would be nonsense as we only have the untried Lastuvka to come in, whilst selling Bellamy would expose either Sears or Tristan to regular playing time which seems unwise for a team who cannot score.

Therefore, to my mind the obvious choice would be either Upson, who could be replaced by Davenport, or Parker who would presumably see Mullins step in.

To reiterate, this is not my grand plan for Premiership domination - selling any of the curent first XI is ludicrous, but we live in the real world and I would merely advocate a more scientific approach to any sale rather than simply saying "Get rid of Bellamy as he has only scored 2 goals...".

7. Cole Patrol

More good stuff from Carlton today. Not "good" by any typical definition, but he did score from 3 yards after the ball rebounded straight to him in front of an open goal. So that was "good".

I actually thought that of our two strikers, he was the least wasteful as Bellamy spurned at least 3 other very decent chances to score, before popping up with the late double that sunk Pompey.

I especially enjoyed his first goal as it reminded me in every way possible of our relegation season when we too employed a "rush goalie" type defensive system.

8. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Update

God bless him if our Luis didn't come out for his late substitute appearance sporting a pair of brand new Christmas winklepickers.

It worked too, as he set up Bellamy's second with a nice run and cross from the left, whilst also simultaneously proving beyond doubt that miracles do happen at Christmas.

9. Picture This

"To be honest I don't know what happened. This is how many goals we usually score away from home"

West Ham 0 - 0 Portsmouth (And Other Ramblings)

1. And Now For Something Completely Different

This weeks H List will be presented in Limerick form. This is largely because the events of this match were so incredibly tedious, and I do not wish my descendants to look back upon my writings on Ye Olde Worlde Wide Webbe and think that I wasted my time chronicling such inanities.

2. Things I Learned This Week

Jermain Defoe is dangerous still
But Carlton Cole is rot
Rob Green will save most anything
But Scott Carson will ... not

3. Right Back Atcha

Glen Johnson might steal toilet seats
But he attacks with verve unfettered
Lucas Neill clearly likes to eat
But on the left he played much better

4. The Floundering Left

Herita Ilunga has a blog
And for this I much commend him
I think I'd like him even more
If I knew he did defending

5. Upson Downs

Our centre halves are extremely large
They didn't let big Crouchy go
If only I could say the same
Of their job on wee Defoe

6. Swiss Role

The Swiss Behrami is the new crowd fave
I've not seen one run so much
The combination of psychotic commitment
And a fucking crap first touch

7. Centre Stage

The other midfielders passed it lovely
Sometimes forward, sometimes back
This led to some lovely triangles
And very few attacks

8. Elsewhere

Freddie Sears is 8 years old
And badly needs a goal
If Matthew Etherington was right footed
He'd clearly be on the dole

9. Cole Patrol

Carlton Cole is a willing trier
But the lad was clearly rusty
On the whole I find him a curious choice
For us to place our trust in

10. Hells Bells

Craig Bellamy is the new angry ant
On the field he thinks he's the boss
I might tend to agree with this
If he'd only learn to cross

11. I'm Board

So our manager is still a nice guy
But our owners are broke, disturbingly
And suddenly the vocal few are asking
"Was it that bad under ... Curbishley?"

In answer to that question visit http://thehlist.blogspot.com/2008/04/bolton-wanderers-1-0-west-ham-and-other.html

West Ham United vs Portsmouth: Match Preview - 15/11/2008

1. Boo!

Adopting more aggressive guerrilla tactics, I have included people on the distribution list this week who have never expressed the slightest interest in this blog or were totally unaware of its existence.

Welcome one and all, and if you wish this weekly harassment to cease, I’ll see you in court.

2. Officer!!

Like most people born and raised in and around east London, I have been mugged on more than one occasion. None of these traumatic, formative experiences however can compete with the sense of loss and injustice felt upon leaving Upton Park last Saturday.

Not even the time when an unscrupulous urchin on the Romford Road snared my beloved Optimus Prime. I’m still reeling from that and it was six months ago now.

3. History

The next in the recent long line of opportunities to bounce back is presented by Portsmouth who travel to Upton Park this Saturday on the back of a donkey, having been mugged by a similar bandit to the one that relieved me of the king of the Autobots.

Traditionally, we haven’t done well against Portsmouth. We have in fact failed to take a single point off them at Upton Park in the Premier League and haven’t beaten them since a Championship meeting in 1993. Startlingly, it’s 50 years since we beat them in a top-flight game, although the vast majority of that half-century consists of a time where we never met.

Last season’s corresponding fixture was a truly lamentable 1-0 defeat courtesy of a Nico Kranjcar strike on the hour. Thankfully, The Firm and I had decided to take the afternoon off that day and spent it in the pub, sans lunch.

Accordingly, come kick-off, I was in no state to remember anything, not even where I was sitting, my main concern being how best to plot my route to the front of the queue for halftime pasties.

4. Team News

Thankfully, Matthew Upson is back in contention having been stretchered off at the weekend with what looked like a serious injury, but was merely a dead-leg.

James Tomkins is also fit, providing more centre back options and Carlton Cole returns from the three-match suspension incurred against Arsenal.

Utility man Valon Behrami also returns after a calf injury sustained against Man United and will be pushing for a place in midfield, although if anyone ousts the impressive Jack Collison from the starting line-up, I’m sure a lot of us will dejectedly shake our heads.

Sightings have also been made of Kieron Dyer taking part in full-training this week. It is still too early for his inclusion in the squad as the backroom staff are yet to overcome the problem of sufficiently insulating the mass of gummi bears being used to hold his hips in place.

5. Managerial Musical Chairs


The obvious parallel to be drawn between the two clubs in recent weeks is the arrival of an inexperienced manager to replace former West Ham players.

Following Harry Redknapp’s sudden departure, Portsmouth were quick to announce that the club’s previous Number 2 would take over as manager and with that, Tony Adams (right) made his first foray into Premiership management.

Portsmouth have made the public admission that they are short of funds and it is believed that Adams’ offer to work for sugar cubes is what sealed his appointment.

Adams’ managerial career began at Wycombe Wanderers where he was unable to prevent their slide from League 1 to League 2. He resigned after 12-months in the job, citing personal reasons (something to do with a paucity of sugar cubes).

Unlike most budding English managers, Adams then spent the best part of a year on the Continent in a coaching role, firstly with Dutch side Feyenoord and then Utrecht. It is from the Low Countries that Adams adopted his managerial ethos in the main, to implement traditional Dutch practices and technique.

6. Shuccsheshful Number Two, For Shure

Big Tony’s first move as manager was to bring in John Metgod as his Number 2, a decision applauded by the footballing cognoscenti.

Metgod is known to be an advocate of ‘Total Football’ and keen to implement his own brand of that philosophy, made famous by the Dutch national sides of the 1970s.

Metgod enjoyed a fruitful playing career, appearing for the likes of Real Madrid, Nottingham Forest (when they were still contenders) and to a lesser extent, tottenham. He is perhaps best known in this country for this free-kick, a 40-yard thunderbolt against, well, obviously…

You can’t really blame Phil Parkes for that one, he was obviously forced to avert his eyes at the alarming nature of our silken, sky blue hot-pants.

7. Brittle Backbone Disease

Welcome to a new kind of frustration. It is no longer our lot in life to sit through a dreary 90-minutes of tedium and escape with a point where three were attainable, it is now customary to marvel at our new sense of adventure and appetite before escaping with no points where three were attainable.

I left the match last week with the feeling that, despite our dominance, despite our attractive football and with things apparently so tight in the League this year, it wouldn’t surprise me if we found ourselves in the midst of a relegation scrap six months from now.

‘Everything in moderation’ is a phrase often used to promote healthy balance, but surely this does not apply to defending? As things stand, this policy could well be an improvement as we all too easily slump from defending in moderation, to resignation to outright capitulation.

Robert Green has reverted from his continually solid performances of last season to a more hit and miss affair. We all know he has the distribution of an agoraphobic postman, but a more dominant marshalling of his area would not go amiss. I’d like to see him shout his head off at some of the inept displays in front of him from time to time.

The lack of an authoritarian leader at the back is a contributory factor and there is no-one doing for us what Tony Adams did for Arsenal or Rio Ferdinand now does for United. Lucas Neill shoots his mouth off now and again but without leading by example, it will inevitably go unheeded. Plus it’s hard to understand what he’s on about when he has a mouth full of cheesecake.

8. The Opposition

Portsmouth look like most other teams constructed by Harry Redknapp – a mishmash of average foreigners spiked with a gem or two, former England stars on the wain and a smattering of youth who you feel will never quite achieve their potential.


David James has enjoyed a true Indian summer to his career and is in the form of his life at 38. Question marks over his England credentials have disappeared in recent years and you would have to go to HeadHammer Shark (left) to find a man of a similar age in such fine physical condition.

Lassana Diarra is a key player, bringing steel to their midfield and a shield to their ageing defence. Diarra made it known upon signing for Pompey that he viewed the move as a stepping stone to better things, which I’m not sure shows admirable honesty from a footballer in the modern game or a callous disregard for his current employers and their fans.

Glen Johnson is another of Redknapp’s protégés who seem to answer his call like The Artful Dodger to Harry’s Fagan. Johnson has made a good start to this season, looking increasingly like the blueprint for a modern wing-back – up and down the wing all day, defending when needed and posing an attacking threat of his own, having already scored this season and given opposition defenders something to think about.

Peter Crouch and Jermaine Defoe constitute Redknapp’s final roll of the Pompey dice, the evil dwarf arriving on the last day of last January’s transfer window and Crouch bestriding the length of the country in the summer like some sort of rampaging super-spider.

Physically, Pompey’s two strikers could not be any more different and both are effective frontmen in their own way – Defoe swift, nimble and a sharp-shooter, Crouch gangly, languid, eight legs, laser vision and 55 feet tall.

David Nugent is Portsmouth’s Florin Raducioiu.

Judging by last Saturday’s defensive catastrophe, it’s hard to see us resisting our apparent obligation to concede, particularly if Crouch and Defoe get permission from the League to wear their spangly new away strip, revealed below.



(Incidentally, it’s now 24 games since we last kept a clean sheet. The next worst Premiership performer on this criterion? West Brom with a paltry five matches. Amateurs.)

9. Zzzzzz…

It is good to see that Adams has lost none of his propensity to bore, thanks to his near-fundamentalist conviction to be rigidly inoffensive since his days as a Pizza Hut-terrorising boozehound.

After a mercifully brief stint as a comatose pundit on Football Focus, Adams’ relentless efforts to appear unassuming remain undiluted and he remains the PR version of extra-strength sedatives since his Damascun rebirth.

When asked to comment on the Premier League’s recent Respect campaign, Adams (right) came up with his usual platitudes peppered with football clichés:

“I think you should respect everybody in life whether it’s the referee, the supporter or anybody. I try to respect myself and respect others, to be honest. I’m not sure about the campaign. Whatever it’s doing, it’s doing, but they are the kind of values I have in life.”

Thanks for clearing that up, Tony. I did wonder.

10. Little Big Man

A few interesting quotes emerged this week from the manager, hinting that he may finally have laid down the law in light of recent results:

“We had a chat and confrontation and I think that was a positive thing, and now on the pitch we will see whether it gives us positive results or not.”

Zola’s idea of a confrontation could well be his refusal to hold the door open for all his players, but a more aggressive approach from him may be what’s needed. Another interesting one from Zola this week was in regard to his previous playing mentor, Diego Maradona:

"Sometimes you are very good at something, but getting others to do it is not the same thing.”

This quote was given in response to a query on how well Zola thinks the great Maradona will do in his new role as Argentina manager, but to listening West Ham fans there were hints of an admission that perhaps his vision of attractive, attacking and winning football may not be as easy to implement as he first thought.

West Ham 0 - 1 Portsmouth (And Other Ramblings)

1. Pens At The Ready

Anyone out there fancy a game of "Alan Curbishley Late Season Bingo"?

"Boredom?" - Check, "Mid Table Mediocrity Followed By Inevitable Slide Down The Table?" - You Betcha, "Already Wishing It Was Next Year?" - Yep, "Keep Expecting To Look Over And See Roeder On The Touchline?" - Right On, "Curbishley Promising Not To Let The Season Fizzle Out?" - Yessir, "Worst Home Performance Since The Battle Of Hastings?" - HOUSE!

2. Let's Cuddle In A Huddle

The start of both halves of this game were delayed for 15 minutes by the longest ever known recorded session of high fives and manly hugs from Portsmouth.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a new man. I moisturise sporadically, I make charitable contributions and allow Mrs Shark to vote occasionally, but this was unbelievable. Boy, were these fellows determined to truly emphasise that they were in this together or what?

NB: Watching Papa Dioup hug David James is like seeing two redwood trees falling into one another.

3. The Statistics

Trying to analyse this game in any great depth is challenging given the fact that this requires me to remember elements of it. This is especially vexing given the cruel and unusual punishment that was watching the game in the first place.

Despite having the bulk of possession with 52%, we converted this into nary a decent chance at all. Bobby Zamora did briefly threaten competence at one point but quickly reverted to Boa Mortian levels of performance and blew all his chances.

Both sides managed 17 shots on target between them, which just highlights the relative lack of merit of statistics because neither keeper had a difficult shot to save right up until Portsmouth scored.

Bear in mind also, that the visitors won this game comfortably despite doing absolutely nothing of merit in the first 35 minutes of the match.

4. The Opposition

I note from looking at my notes of some previous games that I once said the following about Everton - "Everton are enormous. It is quite possible that their corner routines can be seen from outer space".

Well let me now add that Everton look up to Portsmouth. They wonder what the air is like up where Portsmouth are. Portsmouth hang Everton on their coat hook and steal their lunch money. Sweet Jesus, they are huge. I would describe Papa Diop as Herculean, but for the fact that it simply isn't a butch enough verb.

All of that being true shouldn't detract from the fact that Portsmouth were significantly better than us, in much the same way that eating a fish is significantly better than being eaten by a fish. Even without Defoe, Utaka, Baros and Diarra they were much more effective in going forward, so much so that Niko Krancjar's splendid winning goal was utterly predictable. We -


5. This Interruption Is Sponsored By Englishmen Everywhere

Hang on a minute. I thought that sometime last November we had decided, as a nation, that giving Niko Krancjar the ball on the edge of our box and allowing him to shoot was a stunningly ill conceived idea? Certainly no dumber than allowing Steve MacLaren or Scott Carson anywhere near our national side, but a ridiculous ploy none the less.

Interestingly, Krancjar appears perfectly capable of playing on the left hand side of midfield despite being predominantly right footed. I note this because this skill seems to have eluded the entire male population of England, with the honourable exception of Joe Cole - who can also do it, and Stewart Downing - who is neither left or right footed.

6. Meanwhile, Back At The Article



The notion of a Harry Redknapp side that is well organised and defensively sound is basically insane if you spent any time watching his West Ham sides. Credit for this presumably resides with Tony Adams, who despite being the most boring TV analyst in the Universe, is clearly a man who knows his way around an offside trap.

It should also be noted that whilst attack may very well be the best form of defence, it could be argued that the next best option is to let Bobby Zamora have the ball (More on that later).

7. The Referee

Considering that this was one of the dullest games of association football ever played, it would have taken a fairly incompetent referee to make anything of it. Lee Probert did a reasonable job, letting play continue on the numerous occasions that Papa Boupa Diop fell to the floor writhing in pseudo agony.

Tellingly there was not even a single yellow card, despite the presence of Hermann Hreidarsson on the pitch, a man who views the headlock as a valid defensive tactic.

8. Formation Blues

We finished this game with a midfield of John Paintsil, Scott Parker, Luis Boa Morte and Carlton Cole. This is a combination so utterly incomprehensible to me that it can only have been arrived at using the unholy combination of a bottle of Peach Schnapps: a blindfold: a pin and our squad photograph.

9. Bobby Prize

Let me be clear that it is good to see Bobby Zamora back in action. For all his faults, he brings a mix of liveliness and mobility to our forward line that has been largely absent this year. Clearly he is short of match practice and will need some more time before he is back in the swing of things, but Great Holy Moly exactly how did he miss that chance on the first half?

I'll admit that it was nice to see him wander round David James, even if it relied more on luck than judgement, but Bobby then somehow contrived to strike the ball at the only possible angle which would have resulted in anything other than a goal.

Professional strikers will miss open goals from time to time due to statistical probability, but in a tense (or more accurately, interminably dull) 0-0 draw, it is unwise to spurn chances that present themselves wrapped in a bright shiny bow.

10. Luis Boa Morte Footwear Update

Luis braved the elements and appeared for this game wearing some brand spanking new roller blades. These came in very handy when he nimbly turned Glen Johnson early in the first half before shooting lamely at David James.

This so impressed Alan Curbishley that he decided to play him in central midfield. As The Stone Roses would say far better than I can - "There are no words, to describe the way I feel........."

Portsmouth 0 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Why Psychotropic Drugs And The England Job Don't Go Together

Oh yes. If I was in charge of the nation's football team and was in desperate need of an away win in Russia to keep my job, I'd definitely play The Human Pudding : Paul Robinson in goal, ahead of David James and Robert Green.

2. File It Under - "Learning Experiences"

Trips to the coast can often reveal things you didn't know. Like the fact that the sea isn't all that refreshing, and piers are really not exciting.

But this little Southern jaunt was even more revelatory. They now have roofs in Portsmouth, which is a nice development, Craig Bellamy is an angry little man, Mike Dean is still a homer, and if the fate of the world ever rested on whether Nolberto Solano could head a football, then we'd all be going the way of dinosaurs, dodo's and Leeds United.

3. The Statistics

As befits a fairly even 0-0 draw, all the statistics suggest that this game should have been a stalemate. We had 49% of the ball which we converted into 12 shots at goal. Sadly as Solano had no less than 6 of them you won't be surprised to hear that our total on target was just 3.

The home side were not much better, mustering 3 efforts on target from a total of 11 attempts, although they did force 11 corner kicks to our 5.

Considering that Portsmouth's last home game saw them concede 4 times and still win by 3 goals, the chances of this game being scoreless were as remote as a Posh Spice brain cell, and yet here it is. Life sure can be strange sometimes. (See "Neville, Phil - England Career")

4. The Opposition

Whether you fall in to the Love or Hate category for Harry Redknapp, there can be no denying that he has done an admirable job at Portsmouth. His budget isn't exactly shoestring as owner Alexandre Gaydamak is hardly struggling for roubles but there is no denying that some of his less heralded signings such as James, Sol Campbell and Nico Kranjcar have proved very successful, allowing for a few higher profile failures such as David Nugent.

Where his Portsmouth sides differ from his West Ham teams are in the defensive areas where one can see Tony Adams has doubtlessly made a huge difference. His Fratton Park teams are well organised and attack with pace, two things that could rarely be said about us in the Redknapp era, although I could argue that there is less verve and attacking flair on show these days.

I have no explanation for the success of Benjani though. The man befuddles me. It is entirely possible that I have never seen a worse footballer. And remember people, I have seen Michael Dawson play several times.

5. The Referee

I would like to give you my opinions on Mike Dean's refereeing skills but sadly most of the decisions made in this match were made by the Portsmouth crowd. It will not surprise anyone to know that they were a touch one sided.

Blaming a referee for a poor result (not that this was a poor result but I'm talking generically) is not a sensible idea. It is nothing to do with Mike Dean that Nolberto Solano apparently has no neck muscles, or that Danny Gabbidon has wandering hands. All of the above being true doesn't mean that he wasn't woefully inconsistent throughout. In the interests of fairness, I should also point out that he spread his incompetence equally between the two sides, awarding us twice as many free kicks as the home team - but sadly it might have the ones that he didn't give that hurt us the most.

The penalty decision was a sickener but I cannot see that there can be much argument - Gabbidon should probably have learned by now that waving his hands around inside the box rarely meets with approval from officials. The only question was whether it was in or out of the box and we'd have all been screaming for a penalty if it was Campbell having the brain seizure and not Gabbidon.

My real issue with Dean was his unorthodox method for making his decisions. Let's have a look at his train of thought early in the first half:

(Hermann Hreidarsson takes out a 10 blade scalpel and expertly severs Craig Bellamys left ankle. West Ham appeal for a foul)

Mike Dean: "Ooh, that looked nasty"
Mike Dean's Inner Psyche: "It sure did Mike, he's lost his bloody foot there"
Mike Dean: "I should probably award a foul at least"
Mike Dean's Inner Psyche: "Hmm, I know where you're coming from but the home fans won't like it"
Mike Dean: "What should I do then?"
Mike Dean's Inner Psyche: "You know what to do"
Mike Dean"OK" (takes out Magic 8 Ball, shakes it vigorously, thinking "Should I give Bellamy a foul?" Magic 8 Ball says "YOU MUST BE KIDDING!")
Mike Dean (aloud): "No foul Bellamy, you Taff whinger!" (throws bloody stump back to Bellamy to rapturous applause from the Portsmouth fans, which he receives with a theatrical low bow).

Do you see my problem?

6. The Problem With Being A Right Winger

Well, the problem is that we didn't have one. Craig Bellamy spent far too much of the first half entangled in spat with Hreidarsson and was withdrawn at half time. Even though he was injured, the feeling persisted that Curbishley would have had to remove him anyway to to prevent him being sent off.

I know he's now our irritating twerp and all that, but it's not going to be any use to us if it results in referees turning against him 2 minutes into games.

Meanwhile our actual right winger was wandering around the middle of the park demonstrating exactly how not to head a football.

7. Cole Patrol

Carlton Cole played this entire game up front on his own, against two very good centre backs in Sol Campbell and Sylvain Distain, and did especially well. He was directly responsible for the two golden opportunities spurned by Solano on his Adventures At The Back Post, and looked like an all round decent Premiership centre forward.

He's not The Messiah, he's not even Paulo Wanchope, but he's better than most people let on, and whilst he remains the only striker at the club not suffering from The Plague he deserves a bit more support than he's getting.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it in this report so far, but we would have won this game 2-0 if Nolberto Solano could keep his eyes open and nod his head, simultaneously. And both goals would have been set up by Cole.

I'm just saying.

8. Twist And Shout

If you get the chance, go on to YouTube and watch Benjani's penalty miss. Not to detract from the excellence of Green's save but take a close look at the technique used.

Benjani ends up face down on the floor, facing away from goal.

I'm not even sure this is humanly possible. Of course, I'm not even sure that Benjani is human so maybe it makes sense.

Marvellous Redknapp quote though:

"I gave him a bollocking. He won't be taking another one that's for sure. He took the ball off Niko Kranjcar, who I would've been happy to see take it. Benji's been on a good run. But I gave him a bollocking. And I would've still given him a bollocking if he'd scored. Still, he worked his socks off. And, well, I do love him. And now I feel bad. I said to him in the dressing room, "Benji, you've been a silly boy," and he just sat there. No I feel really bad. He probably won't eat his fish and chips now, will he?"

9. Kudos

Green, obviously, Cole, Mullins and McCartney who was ace again. I think I'll give some love to Solano as well, because at least his head didn't fall completely from his shoulders during his many and varied attempts to head us a winner.

10. A Change Would Do You Good

Keen readers (Hi Dad!) will have noticed that The H List has decreased in frequency, and if I'm honest - quality - recently. There are a lot of reasons I could give you but the truth is that I am working on a plan to steal $30m from a Las Vegas casino and I'm trying to find a Chinese acrobat to help me. Sadly, this only gives me time to do the match reports.

With that in mind a mystery guest writer will be taking over the previews. It's not Russell Brand (our boy is camper if anything), but he knows his onions and will make sure that The H List gets back to more regular posts.

Fittingly his first post will be the 100th in H List history.

Hang on a minute - that's not fitting at all. I've done all the bloody work.

(This is how it started with Lennon and McCartney you know. In 30 years there will be a mad amputee comparing herself to Jesus on the TV and you'll look back to this moment with a nod of recognition.......)

West Ham vs Fulham/Portsmouth (And Other Ramblings)

Fulham 0-0 West Ham

1. Why I Subscribe To Sky

I trust you all had a Merry Christmas. I wonder if you, as I did, flicked through the channels late on Christmas night, whilst sitting on the sofa feeling a little bit 'Paddy Kenny', and discovered the truly mental - "Michael Bolton - A Tribute on Ice"?

'What the hell is this - has he died?' I said, out loud, with perhaps a bit too much hope in my voice judging by the shocked gasps from the gallery. Apparently not, but there he was, standing beside an ice rink, butchering Nessun Dorma like, well, Michael Bolton, as some poor girl tried to ignore her bleeding ears and do a few back flips.

Anyway, this was all so surreal that I began to wonder if I wasn't living out some odd kind of experiment like The Truman Show whereby I am made to suffer purely for the entertainment of others.

A little tangential I know but it would certainly go a long way towards explaining how we could lose at home to Newcastle, Reading, Wigan and Portsmouth.

(And by the way - who the hell sings at their own tribute show?)

2. Errant Knight

Let's go back a bit - before I went through the looking glass to a world where Michael Bolton is worthy of tribute, and reminisce a little. Fulham seems a long time ago now, but we were actually quite good. Indeed if it were a boxing match we would have won comfortably on points.

If it was an actual boxing match it would have been crap though. Are there two softer teams in the league than us and Fulham?

I digress - we were unlucky with injuries again though. Zat Knight was injured for this game which gave Fulham an unfortunate fillip as it meant they could play an actual professional footballer in the middle of their defence instead. Knight was absent, having broken his jaw whilst "mucking around at home with his brother". If I ever get the chance to go back in time I'd like to come back and see Chris Coleman's reaction to getting that news.

You might imagine that if I had a power such as that I might choose something a bit more momentous like the Crucifixion, the "I have a dream" speech or us winning away from home but none of those would have fit the joke. Do keep up.

3. Y2K + 7?

Just in case you believe in these sorts of things I did notice a couple of worrying phenomena during this game that could indicate the world is shortly about to end:

Matthew Etherington hit the bar. With a header.

Marlon Harewood controlled a ball with his right foot and hit a swivelling half volley on to the post with his left.

Some Fulham fans sung.

Get as many bottles of water into your basement as you can.

4. The Statistics

We had 49% of possession which is evidence of a fairly competitive game. The difference being that we carved out a number of good chances, hitting the woodwork twice and twice having balls cleared off the line.

Fulham's best chance fell to Brian McBride who tried to slot it home whilst having an epileptic fit of some kind. He didn't score anyway.

5. The Referee

Chris Foy got the three major decisions of the game wrong. He failed to award Fulham a penalty after adjudging Spector to have fouled Tomasz Radzinski in the first half. Why anyone would bother to foul Radzinski is beyond me but there you go, he did, and it should have been a spot kick.

He then missed Liam Rosenior handling on the line at the other end before sending off Paul Konchesky with 5 minutes left after a perfectly timed tackle on Wayne Routledge.

All three of these, particularly the last one, merely highlighted how totally and utterly useless linesmen are these days. Konchesky clearly took the ball before Routledge tumbled over and the lino had a clear view of it. Rather than risk confrontation and assist the referee he took the easy option and kept quiet. When this card gets rescinded I sincerely hope that Chris Foy rings up the linesman and gives him a bit of abuse. Not only is it good for the soul every now and again (see "Dawson, Michael (n) - large inanimate object") but it might convince a few linesmen and women to expand their remit past merely awarding throw ins and corners.

6. The Opposition

Not since I last saw Sheffield United play (*shivers involuntarily*) have I seen a footballer go through 90 minutes and commit a foul every single time he was involved in play. Step forward then Michael Brown - one nasty little bastard if ever I saw one.

And perhaps not surprisingly a product of the Sheffield United youth academy, where one suspects they work on long throws, heading and granny bashing.

Also interesting to see that the player involved in the sending off was Wayne Routledge. A product of the Crystal Palace youth academy and a member of Iain Dowie's promotion winning team of 2004, who were master divers. Andy Johnson being first among cheats in that particular vintage.

It's interesting what a players history can tell you sometimes.

West Ham 1 -2 Portsmouth

1. There's Being Shocked And There's Being Shocking

Alan Curbishley pronounced himself "a bit shocked" at this first half display. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that he took some mind alteringly hard drugs during his sabbatical away from the game, because performances like this have been all too common at Upton Park this season.

I don't want to be the one who starts jerking his knee around uncontrollably but I do get a tad frustrated when games like this are casually swept under the carpet by pundits who say "Ashton comes back et voila - they'll be ok".

Well, no. Dean Ashton is coming back from a serious injury into a team bereft of confidence and seriously lacking creativity. Just how is he going to score any goals when we are playing 4-5-1 at home to bloody Portsmouth?

2. 4-5-1?

I don't want to offend Charlton fans unneccesarily but I have to say that perhaps Curbishley needs to adjust his expectations somewhat if he thinks it's acceptable to play this formation against anyone at home, let alone a team like Pompey.

That might have been ok at The Valley but it's not going to help him here. Not that there is any basis for us to have loftier aspirations than Charlton given the recent histories of both teams, but for whatever reason we do and Curbishley needs to be aware of that. Lose the crowd and you'll more than likely lose your job. Sort of like Gladiator but bloodier and more internecine.

This was a performance of such soporific listlessness that even yawning seemed like an act of great derring-do by comparison.

Just to clarify, I don't actually care if I offend any Charlton fans but I'm not intentionally trying to. I think they have enough to worry about what with having accidentally replaced Iain Dowie as manager with their coach driver for 11 games.

3. The Statistics

We had 60% possession in this game according to MoTD. This was somehow constructed into just 3 shots on target. It should give you some idea of the quality of this game that the team who had the ball for 3/5ths of the time managed one shot on goal every half an hour.

Just to throw the above into even sharper relief. If you imagine possession of the ball as the Superman films we had it right from the first one, all the way through General Zod and that weird one with Richard Pryor.

Sometimes it's easier to face surreality than reality.

4. The Opposition

Portsmouth remain impressive if only because they are so much more than the sum of their parts. They are well organised, solid defensively and in Pedro Mendes they have one of the Premiership's most underrated players. How tottenham considered him to be inferior to Jermain Jenas is a mystery. Mind you, how they consider anyone to be inferior to JJ is a profound conundrum.

All of that said - allowing Linvoy Primus to score against you is rather like shoving an apple up your nose. It's stupid, it's painful and absolutely impossible to do more than once in the same day.

5. While We're At It Department

How come when we've allowed a man with all the goalscoring frequency of a corpse to head the opening goal do we then promptly allow him to do it again? And why was he being marked by 5"11 Hayden Mullins?

The footballing equivalent of walking around a jail cell with your wallet open and moaning about being mugged.

6. Deja Vu

Just to go over a couple of points raised earlier this season:

This defending lark seems like a capital idea. Perhaps we'll give it a go one day.

Just what exactly is our midfield doing so well that Javier Mascherano cannot even get into the squad for games such as this? On that - in what situation are we ever likely to need both George McCartney and Christian Dailly on the bench? Because if it ever arises, it's probably time to abandon all hope.

Does Carlton Cole even exist anymore?

I bet when Carlos Tevez wrote home for Christmas he couldn't wait to tell his family how much he is enjoying watching Harewood and Zamora rampage around like two drunk elephants. His performance on Saturday showed more inspiration than the rest of them put together.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep watching the same old faces trotting out there and under performing against the sides that we need to beat. One off barnstormers against the top 3 can't be relied upon to keep us up when we are playing so appallingly against everyone else.

Give the Boys form the Barrio a proper go Curbs. I'd rather be hung as a wolf than a sheep.

7. Just To Quell Any Optimism

Our run in:

Arsenal (a)
Chelsea (h)
Sheffield Utd (a)
Everton (h)
Wigan (a)
Bolton (h)
Man Utd (a)

I especially love those last 2 games. This is not a 38 game season folks, especially now that Charlton have sacked the groundsman and installed an actual professional football manager.......

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering

I've been wondering whether or not to call a truce with Big 'Ol Useless Mike but then I watched the highlights of tottenham's two games over Christmas and saw him give away a goal in each.

At this time of year it's not wise to ignore signs from above.

West Ham vs Fulham/Portsmouth : Christmas 2006 (Match Previews and Other Ramblings)

1. I Know, I Know, I Know

I'm sorry. I know I really should be doing a preview for each of these games but consider this. Imagine you are a jobbing session musician and the only two offers of work you have are for either James Blunt or Robbie Williams. Do you take one of them, or retain your dignity and take up employment as the back end of a pantomime horse?

That's kind of how I feel about the prospect of writing about playing both Fulham and Portsmouth in the space of four days.

So I've decided discretion is the better part of valour and gone for a combination.

2. Jolly Nice Chaps

Let's go chronologically then. We are off to Fulham first of all, a team who despite the huge weight of evidence to the contrary appear to be on course to survive another season in the Premiership.

This is despite the fact that Fulham's central defence consists of Zat Knight and Ian Pearce. Going through their first eleven makes for a who's who of Premiership mediocrity.

All of the above notwithstanding, they have lost just three times at home this season and have the best fanzine name around - "There's Only One F In Fulham".

Given that Fulham is quite possibly the least offensive football club in the land I can't find it within myself to mock them all that much. It follows therefore, that if you look hard enough you will find that Fulham FC is actually made entirely of marshmallow.

Aren't they cute?

3. Errant Knight

Great story about Zat Knight. He was originally playing in non-league football when Kevin Keegan signed him. Keegan resigned not long after, possibly through shame, but it was later revealed that the price for signing Knight was a set of tracksuits.

I don't know about you but I think they overpaid.

It is also a little known fact about Knight that he is exactly the same height as the Eiffel Tower. Although he is not as mobile.

4. Another Tidbit

I once heard a possibly mythical story about Chris Coleman and Alan Pardew.

As you may know they were both team mates at Crystal Palace and when we played Fulham in the Cup a couple of years ago, Pardew made a comment to the effect that he could never keep up drinking with Coleman as he had, and I quote, "..hollow legs..".

It probably seemed an innocuous enough quote at the time but apparently it caused much consternation to the Fulham boss as he was still embroiled in legal action at the time over the car crash that ended his career.

Probably an urban myth but it does show how far Pardew progressed with his media skills. By the end he was making strangely out of context comments all over the place without libelling anyone. That's nice work Al.

5. The History

We have had some success at Fulham in recent years. 3 wins in a row, including a 2-1 victory last year.

However, it's a measure of our frankly offensive away form, that I would imagine Fulham fans view tomorrow as a home banker.

6. That Other Lot

Portsmouth arrive on Boxing Day, having a season that they would not have imagined possible just six months ago. Harry Redknapp is using a familiar modus operandi - filling his squad with ageing veterans on high priced contracts (sound familiar?) and relying on some fantastic home form.

Whilst I have a suspicion that Redknapp is probably being just as casual with Pompey's finances as he was with our own, it isn't likely to have quite the same effect as they are now backed by some substantial Russian finances. Which is enough to mildly anger me.

You see, I am one of those guys who sticks his hands in his pockets when the time comes to give Redknapp his ovation. My main problem was that by the end he was not replacing those players he was selling with any of a similar standard. The writing on that particular wall probably came when Rigobert Song popped up in our defence in place of Rio Ferdinand.

7. The History

We haven't played Portsmouth all that often and we have yet to beat them in 3 tries since we both returned to the Premiership. Last year saw them thump us 4-2 at Upton Park as everyone associated with West Ham had their eyes firmly fixed on our FA Cup quarter final two days later at Man City.

And let me tell you, if we play that badly again I say we cancel New Year.

Portsmouth 2 - 0 West Ham (And Other Ramblings)

1. Well I Don't Think Any Of Us Could Have Seen That Coming

I'm fairly confident that the word you're looking for is "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh".

2. I Saw Us Score A Goal Once, Son

6 games without a goal and the last man to score at the Boleyn was Henry VIII. I count myself as mildly frustrated at this point. I could just about cope with our ongoing impotence if we looked like we might be on the verge of scoring, but we simply don't. In fact we look like a team who will never score again. We're turning into (gulp) .... Sunderland.

3. Use The Force!

I'm running out of ways to say this. Perhaps Master Yoda can help me:

"Stop the first goal letting in you twats".

I think that just about covers it.

4. The Stats

Per www.espn.com and their excellent Gamecast, Portsmouth managed 19 shots, of which 6 were on target. We mustered a mighty 6 in total of which just 3 were on target, and none were mighty. We did not manage a single effort from inside the box which suggests once again that we are just not incisive enough to score goals in this division at present. How would you feel if I told you that Portsmouth's back 4 had four times as many shots as our 4 strikers in total? Pretty chipper - no doubt.

Frustratingly we had 56% possession, all of which combines to prove that we are pretty decent at keeping the ball in areas where we cannot hurt the opposition, so they tend to let us have it. And why not? Great White Sharks ain't so tough when you get them in a boxing ring.

5. The Opposition

Pompey came as advertised really. Very strong defensively and adequate going forward. It's tough to imagine them in Europe but then it's even tougher to imagine us in Europe and we managed it. Of course we were about as successful as the Spanish Armada but that's not the point.

They are essentially an identikit Premiership team. A few ex internationals on the way out but who are still holding their own, mixed in with a few decent English journeyman who've been around a bit and a manager who knows not to get caught out by Panorama documentaries.

6. The Referee

Graham Poll defies description. Of the estimated one million words in the English language none of them are sufficient to articulate quite how many decisions he gets consistently wrong. Pompey's first goal for instance.

That said, blaming Poll for our continued uselesness is pretty dumb. We may as well blame James Blunt. Not that I am against heaping opprubrium on James Blunt you understand, but there are plenty of legitimate reasons to do that without dragging West Ham into it....

7. My Dictionary And Your Dictionary Must Be Different

Does anybody else find it offensive to concede yet another goal to Andy Cole? This is the man who released his own rap record, modestly titled "I'm Outstanding". Sure.

And Ashton Kutcher is going to release a film called "I'm Quite The Thespian".

8. Karma Police

Elsewhere, Francis Lampard scored with a shot that took not one, but two deflections on it's way in. Some people would use this as further evidence that Lampard is the luckiest man alive. I just treat it as an example that the Universe is in good working order. You know what I mean - Has the Sun come up? Check. Is gravity still working? Check. Has Francis Lampard scored a deflected goal? Check. Excellent - I can go out today.

Token Michael Dawson Slaughtering.

Wow. That's two weeks in a row that Mike has had to go off with concussion. I'm wondering if his brain hasn't just overloaded with the sudden realisation that somebody is actually paying him to be this incompetent.

Portsmouth vs West Ham: 14 October 2006 (Match Preview and Other Ramblings)

1. Gathering Gooners

Back to the grind then. Another rudimentary away trip against the Premiership's 4th place team, who exude those most un-Redknapp like qualities of being both sound defensively and hard to beat.

One thing that has always characterised Harry Redknapp's teams is his determination to fill them with ex-Arsenal players. Winterburn, Campbell, Wright, Kanu, Merson and Suker have all popped up with him at the end of their careers and I'd be willing to stick a few quid on Thierry Henry finishing with one last, horrific season for Pompey at the age of 37.

He'll still score against us though.

2. History

Not much to go on here. Last year we drew 1-1 at Fratton Park, utilising the always deadly James Collins for our equaliser (we went 1 down, naturally). The reverse fixture ended in a 4-2 defeat, featuring a perfomance so dismal that I was forced to pour battery acid down my neck. I can confirm it does smart a little.

3. Ancient History

While we're on the subject of trips to the South Coast I can also confirm that the coldest I have ever been in my life was on 8 December 1990 at Fratton Park. We managed a 1-0 victory courtesy of a late Trevor Morley header, and I lost all feeling in the lower half of my body, an afliction that appears to affect Jermaine Jenas to this day.

Another reason I recall this game vividly, aside from my heroically inadequate wax jacket, was that Ian Bishop broke his ribs after about 70 minutes and had to play on through the blizzard as we had used all our subs. Never let anybody tell you that he was a soft touch. By comparison, Rio Ferdinand once missed a game because he strained a knee whilst watching TV.

Anyway - I can never return to Fratton Park. Just thinking about it makes my teeth chatter and I involuntarily yell "Why wouldn't you put a roof on, you buffoons!" at passing strangers.

4. The Case For The Defence

Pompey have played 7 games and kept 5 clean sheets. We have played 7 games and kept none and are currently on a run of 1 clean sheet in 21 Premiership away games. I can honestly say that a boring 0-0 draw would be a step in the right direction tomorrow, although there is more chance of George W Bush using the word "verisimilitude" in it's correct context than that happening.

Whilst I am opposed to changing players simply for the sake of it I would replace Danny Gabbidon with James Collins if the latter is fit. Gabbidon has been coasting for a while now and still doesn't look fully recovered from his summer hernia operation. He was also a part of the Welsh team that lost 5-1 to Slovakia in the week and I'm assuming post traumatic stress disorder is not good for footballers.

Anton Ferdinand was arrested yesterday on suspicion of assault. Good to see he is trying to acquire the mother of all footballing accessories - a criminal record. Of course, what's truly criminal about his whole affair is that he was at Faces nightclub in the first place.

Anton - you earn good money, get yourself down to Chinawhite with the rest of the Premiership, son.

5. Customs and Exercise

Apparently, John Paintsil will not be available for this game because he went back to Ghana in the week and upon his return to Heathrow was stopped from entering the country by Immigration officials, as he only had a copy of his work permit. Aside from the startling revelation that we actually have Immigration officials in the UK what is really interesting about this is that it makes him only the second stupidest right back in the fixture.

You see, everyone's favourite ex Hammer and new Pompey defender Glen Johnson turned up to Heathrow last year without his passport. For a Champions League fixture. At Barcelona. And you can imagine Jose Mourinho being his usual laid back self about that.

6. You're Not Very Good

Pompey are a tad inexplicable in that they feature players with the dubious qualities of Andy O'Brien and Benjani Mwaruwari, yet they are still doing very well. Now I think regular readers will know that this column does not lower itself to sweeping generalisations or smart arsed comments with no factual basis. I would hope that you all know me well enough to realise that anything on this list is backed up by hard statistical evidence. I am merely a window for you all into Premiership life, if you will.

Therefore, when I say that Andy O'Brien is comprised entirely of chewing gum you should know that I have hard data to back it up.

7. The Drugs Don't Work

Francis Lampard is apparently on the shortlist for FIFA World Player of the Year. Hang on a minute. Who's on drugs here? Me - because I can't tell if I'm hallucinating, or them because I might not be? 'Cos someone sure as hell is.